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Sharing cuteness today…
We usually say prayers as a group with the little ones and Grace, but last night I had Ben just say his prayer by himself. He folded his little hands and at the end he said “Amen”. He then looked at me and said, “Mama, Mei Mei Amen.” He had to make sure Maisey was included. Maisey yells and throws her hands in the air at the end. She’s pretty emphatic about her amens. 🙂
Today I was sitting copying Facebook posts about Ben to his journal. I was listening to Casting Crowns So Far To Find You and Maisey climbed up into my lap. A second or two later Ben climbs up in my lap and grabs Maisey’s hand and my hand and lays his head on my shoulder and says, “love you mama”. I’m a sap. I cried. I feel like those are the moments that God gives us as a gift for trusting Him. I don’t know any other way to describe just how much they touch this mama’s heart.
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Benjamin – Part 2
I have been told by a couple people that my post yesterday about Benjamin was sad or depressing. That was not my intent at all. I want you to understand that I feel blessed to be this little boys mother. I am blessed everyday when I wake up to his giggles. I knew the instant I saw this little boys face that he was my son. I have never been so sure of anything in my whole life. He is all sweetness and love. Every moment with him is wonderful. His laugh is contagious. It is the funniest laugh. I wish I could describe it accurately. It has sort of a Woody Woodpecker start to it and then it is this deep, from the depths of his soul laugh. It is seriously the best sound EVER! He constantly makes goofy faces. He scrunches up his face, squints his eyes tight, laughs out loud, and your heart melts. On top of all that he is a protector and comforter. He protects Maisey. He worries about her and he takes care of her. It would be understandable if they knew each other in the orphanage, but they were in different orphanages. He makes sure she has a drink, or food, or a toy. He picks her up and hugs her when she falls. He is the best big brother. He takes care of his Mei Mei (little sister in Chinese) and it is a beautiful thing to watch. All of this from a 3 year old.
Yes, it is sad that his is so sick. Yes, it is unbelievably sad to think that this is an easily fixable heart defect if done within the first couple weeks of life. I think about his biological mother all the time. I have heard that father’s will drop sick children off at the orphanage because they think it is a curse to have a child die or be ill. I’m really not sure how having the child die in an orphanage breaks the curse, but that is their belief. I wonder if she woke up one day and he was just gone or was she was part of his abandonment? Did she try and knew she couldn’t care for him? It probably took a while for him to start looking blue. Did she love him and abandon him in the hopes that he would get care? In China you have to have cash up front for health care. Most people can not afford to do that. Why at 9 months of age did she leave him in a park of all places? I was told it was because it was a visibly open place and he would be found quickly. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her to wonder what has happened to her boy. I pray for her peace every day. I pray that God will comfort her. I can not even imagine what it would take to abandon your child at 9 months of age. I’ve only had him 2 months and I know I couldn’t do it.
I am sad sometimes that it took us a year with paperwork to get him over here. I don’t know God’s plan, but I know God’s timing is perfect so I am not bitter or angry at the time lost. I can not see the tapestry of Ben’s life. I often wonder did Benjamin help some other child there? Did he impact another adults life? Was it meant to show me patience, trust, faith in God’s plan? Benjamin’s life has purpose. He may not make it to adulthood, but his life definitely has purpose. I will continue to say “may” until the day he is taken from me. There is always hope. There are always miracles. God is in control. I am not and have never been in control. For that reason, I will wake up each day and enjoy every single moment I’m graciously allowed to spend with him.
I will admit to being disappointed that the fix they hoped they could do isn’t possible. Benjamin’s defect is complicated and hard to explain, but it includes large ventricular septal defect, atrial septal defect, transposition of the great arteries all of which were untreated. After his echo, they believe he has a coarctation – narrowing of his aorta. He is in congestive heart failure and has pulmonary hypertension. It may be possible to do a heart/lung transplant, but we won’t know until he has a heart catherization. He won’t be able to have his heart cath until his platelets are over 100,000. We’ve been as low as 28,000 and as high as 92,000. We did not know that he had ITP at the time of his adoption so we don’t know if he has a chronic form or a transient form. So if you are praying for our boy, that is the specific prayer needed – platelets over 100,000 so we can do the heart cath and see what our options are.
I want to reiterate that I am blessed. As I have said before…..seriously blessed! I do not sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I am blessed that I choose to put fear aside and love this little boy. I have faith that God’s plan is perfect and that He IS in control even though this world is a sad place and doesn’t always make sense. Benjamin is a blessing. What I wanted everyone to take from my post was that if God places something on your heart – DON”T be afraid, take that leap, the most wonderful things can be on the other side. Don’t be afraid of losing someone. Be afraid of not having the chance to love them. Don’t be angry and bitter. Don’t lose one precious moment that you could spend loving them. Remember to love those around you and tell them every day. Don’t assume you have forever. Don’t assume that they just know. Show them and tell them all throughout the day.
I mean seriously….how could you not love this face?
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Benjamin
I thought I would share some about the adoption, not to brag, but to let others know just how great it can be. I have had so many people comment on how amazed they are that the little ones have bonded with the whole family already, even Codey. It has been a little over 2 months since we’ve been home. Ben coughs for Codey (those who know Codey will understand this). He runs to the kids when they get home. I can’t explain what it feels like to have them look at you with such love. Ben woke up from a nightmare last night and I said, “Ben I’m here.” He laughed out loud, grabbed my face and stroked it, said “I love you mama” and went right back to sleep. A little over 2 months ago he had night terrors that you couldn’t reach him through and now this. I cried tears of joy. It has been so unbelievably wonderful. It has also shown me just how much we take for granted with our kids. The fact that they trust us and love us so unconditionally is amazing. I didn’t fully get it with Hope maybe because she was a baby when we adopted her. Don’t take things for granted – those little arms around your neck and those sweet, sloppy kisses are an amazing thing.
I also have to share just what kind of boy Benjamin is. Dan and I had to have serious discussions about the ramifications of bringing a child into our family that has such a severe, untreatable heart defect. His oxygen saturations in the 60 percent range. We know his time is limited and that is a lot to ask of your other children, but they were all on board with eager, open hearts. Benjamin is such a sweet soul. Everyone comments on how sweet he is. I am blessed with each and every day that I get to spend with him. It is so hard to explain. Today we went to the doctor to get his cbc to check his platelets. He saw a train sticker and wanted to get it for Garner and then he saw a Dora sticker. He asked the nurse “Please for Mei Mei?” and then he gave the sticker to Maisey. The nurse asked if he is always like this and I emphatically said yes. The thought of him being in an orphanage for as long as he was breaks my heart and yet he is seemingly untouched by the cold harsh realities of that time. The fact that his biological parents abandoned him at 9 months and are now missing out on such a sweet, sweet boy makes me sad. The fact that his days will be shortened breaks my heart if I dwell on it. It just makes each and every day we do have a little bit sweeter. Don’t let fear stop you from taking a big leap of faith – what lies on the other side just might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
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Gracie Update
Today was her last dose of i.v. chemo. The doctors say she is in partial remission. Her kidneys are doing much better, but her lupus is still not completely controlled. Her complements are still not normal, although they are close, and she is anemic again. They wanted her in remission before changing her to the oral chemo but decided that because her lupus was such a severe case that she will likely relapse and need cytoxan again. You can only have so many doses in a lifetime so they want to save some for the next time. She will most likely be on cellcept for 5 years after the date they declare her in remission. That seems daunting. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. I’m so very happy that there are treatments available for this. If you read about this back in the 1950’s, the survival rate was 0. I am so happy that there are treatments. I am happy to have my little girl. She is an unbelievably special girl in so many ways – her faith being one of the biggest ways. I am blessed.
I thought I’d share my Hats For Gracie post….. (For those of you who aren’t friends with me on Facebook.)
This is a little embarrassing but I thought I’d share that life is all about perspective. Everything is how you look at it. You’d think I’d have it down pat by now, but I still need reminders every once and a while. Yesterday we received another bill for Gracie’s care, another $1,982 bill to be exact and I complained. Mainly, I complained because you can’t tell what you’ve already paid or what it’s for. They just ask for the money and make it due in 3 weeks. I then realized Grace was in the room. Later I decided I should say something to her because I didn’t want her to feel bad about the bill. I told her that I wasn’t mad about the bill so she shouldn’t worry about anything. She told me “I think $2,000 is a small price to pay for my health and my life.” Truer words have never been spoken. Perspective. I think I’ll get me some. 🙂
Previous Day’s Hats For Gracie post….
Last night as I was tucking Gracie in she told me that she didn’t like having to wait until the sun went down to swim, that she was really kind of tired of medicine and she wasn’t happy that she would need another pulse of steroids on Wednesday with her chemo. She told me that she didn’t think lupus was very nice. She also said she understood that God is perfect and His plan is perfect so He must have some reason for all this so she would try her best to be happy. She said, “Sometimes happy takes work but it’s worth it.” Good advice from a 7 year old so I thought I’d share.
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Cassandra Lynne
A post for the most beautiful baby ever….
Who just happened to turn into one of the prettiest girls I know. If that was all I could say about you, I’d be disappointed. But you are a wonderful, kind, funny, compassionate, tenderhearted and sweet young lady. You have chosen to be the guardian of your siblings should anything happen to your dad and I. Anyone who knows our family knows that is no small undertaking. You aren’t concerned with many of the things other 20 year olds are. You have a firm foundation in God and His doctrines. You know what is really important and I love that about you. You are able to laugh at the simplest of things and you don’t take things for granted. You are truly a remarkable young lady and I am so blessed to be your mama.
Happy Birthday Boo!
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Trust
A few weeks ago we were presented with a little girl that had many, many health issues. The physical disabilities I could handle. The many hospital admissions, I couldn’t. We always stay with our kids while they are in the hospital. I just couldn’t do that with our two new little ones. Dan and I prayed and prayed about her and knew that she needed a home where she could have a lot of one on one care. A home that was quiet and our house was way too busy to meet her needs. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, to turn down a child. Dan told me that we just had to trust that God had her family out there. With Benjamin and Maisey, I knew right from the start that I was supposed to be their mama. I didn’t feel that with this little girl. It is still hard because any family has to be better than no family. I decided to trust in the Lord’s plan and turn it over to Him. Tonight we learned that the little girl has found her forever family. I cried tears of joy. I’m just so happy and God is so good!
I must admit that I decided to go along with it and if she didn’t find a family and cycled through the agency again, then I would see what I could do. Why I do this I don’t know. Why I drag my feet after He has showed me time and time again His plan is always right, is anyone’s guess. I am turning it over faster and faster so I am making progress, but boy is it hard to say, “I don’t think I can do this!” I don’t like to admit that I couldn’t give this baby the time she deserved. I want to be able to do it all. It is very humbling to have to say “No” when you know what has been presented to you is not from God. It’s hard to just sit back, do nothing, and trust. As always God is good and He knew who her family should be. I am so, so happy. I love that there are so many families who will take these very sick kids and give them a chance to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved. I will continue to pray for this family. They have a long road ahead of them, but her life is about to get a whole lot better. Praise God for that.
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Maisey Meilyn
The mission statement from the House of Hope that took care of Maisey.
“To comfort always, to relieve often, and to save sometimes.”
Have I mentioned how blessed I feel to be able to love this little girl?
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People…
So if you read my previous post, please disregard. It was a hoax. People have been posting on this Warrior Eli Facebook page for years and it was all a hoax. What could you possibly get out of that? This world and the people in it are so confusing sometimes. On that note, we will go to something much dearer to my heart.
It has been 2 months since we have gotten our little people. Life is definitely busier and everyone is figuring out there place in the family, with much more ease than I thought possible. Cassie has stepped up to help out where ever she can. Her oatmeal at night routine is nice (except when Maisey decides to use it as a exfoliant). Zach is definitely the wonderful big brother as can be found by the pink car he bought Maisey. Hope & Grace are the best big sisters. Right at this moment, Gracie is teaching Maisey how to properly bundle her Maisey doll and feed her a bottle. It’s pretty darn cute.
In two months, Benjamin & Maisey have found their place. They are happy-go-lucky little kids. They laugh all the time. They are exploring everything. I love how God brought us children so like our other children. Benjamin is quiet and curious and loves to build and play video games – just like Zachary. Maisey is all compassion and loving up on her babies and reading – just like her sisters. It’s very sweet watching them all play. They don’t hoard food. Benjamin does cry when we pass a KFC (so like his daddy). He loves KFC. Really any type of chicken. We have pretty much given him any kind of chicken he wants each and every day to help him grow. It’s like Hopey all over again. We had to add cream and butter to everything she ate to try and help her grow. Maisey is a different story she will try anything and everything. If she doesn’t like it, she will wait until you aren’t looking and throw it to the dogs, but she will at least try it.
Maisey wakes up laughing and giggling, ready to take on the day. I love that she will probably not remember any of the orphanage. I pray that she won’t. I’m afraid it won’t be that easy with Benjamin. He still has moments of post-traumatic stress like behavior. Sometimes something little will trigger him and his eyes just glaze over and he sobs. It doesn’t happen very often, but it breaks my heart every time it does happen. Once he wet through his diaper and it went through his little jeans, he hid from me in the corner and just hung his little head. We had to tell him over and over again that it was okay. That accidents happen. It happened when he spilled his drink too. He was so afraid. I’m not sure how much trouble he got in the orphanage, but I don’t think accidents were handled with grace that’s for sure.
It seems like they have been here forever. People ask me if I worry that they are delayed. Worldly things and goals aren’t really all that important. You help your child find their purpose in life and lead them the best you can. The best thing you can do is give them a good foundation in doctrine so that when life gets tough they turn to the Lord. In reality, what I want most is to lead them to Christ and build their faith. Then I want them to figure out their purpose, why God has them here, and help them achieve that purpose. The rest is just icing. They will learn their multiplication tables. They will figure out the states and capitals. If it takes them a little longer than others, it doesn’t matter. That is why I love homeschooling. No one judges them on other people’s standards. They are allowed to grow in their own time.
Mother’s Day was wonderful and relaxing. Cassie watched little ones all day. People treated me to all my favorites. Dan got extra bonus points for the best Mother’s Day presents ever….two little ones. Wonder what next year will bring?
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Loving life
I was thinking about how serious my blogs are most of the time. I was wishing I was wittier and more light-hearted. In reality, I love to laugh. I love to spend time making up musicals with my kids, they sing about everything even toast. I love the life that I am blessed to be able to live. So today I will post about what I’m grateful for and add a couple silly pictures just for fun.
I love my husband with my whole heart. I truly am blessed to be able to go through everything with him. He makes the bad times easier to handle. His is the witty one. He is the one who makes me laugh all the time. His one liners crack me up. We often joke about his comedy routine that he will do when he retires. It’s funny to me because most people think he is so serious. The Dan I know and love is humor and love and affection. I’m a blessed girl.
You all know how I feel about those kids of mine. I love home-schooling them because I get to spend so much time with them. I love that I can look at their face and instantly know how they are feeling. I love that we talk about everything and I do mean everything. I know they don’t tell me every thought they have. I know that sometimes it takes them time to come to me, but I also know they will come to me in their own time. I know that they know no matter what I will love them. I know that they are secure in their importance in my life. I know that they know when they walk in a room it brightens my day. I love that my opinion matters to them. I love to hear them quote the quotes I love. Gracie’s Code 1090 was proof of that.
I’m blessed with a wonderful extended family. My mom and my mother-in-law are two of my best friends. I have grandparents that are still around. In fact, they celebrated their 71st wedding anniversary yesterday, that deserves a shout out for sure! Brothers and sister-in-laws and nieces and nephews. Family is wonderful! I love Facebook because you get to see into the lives of people you aren’t lucky enough to visit with very often. Life is good!
Happy Friday everyone! Remember…. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. (Grace’s Code 1090)
Hope the Gangster
Yes, he is a ninja in a cozy coupe with a cell phone.
Just 1 of the 1,000 goofy faces she makes.
Wonder baby!
Mommy trying on a "Hats for Gracie" hat.
New towels from Elizabeth!
Benji in the middle!
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Seriously….why?
Dan sent me a blog that he recently read in regard to one of my new favorite organizations, Love Without Boundaries. I’ll attach it at the end of my blog so you can read it too if you want. It made me stop and think about so many things. I’ve been reading a couple different adoption agency blogs and those blogs contain the saddest stories of these babies just existing in orphanages. One estimate has the total number of orphans at 163 million, it also states that there are 2.4 billion Christians. That is approximately one orphan for every 15 Christians. We have been commanded to care for the least of these. Why aren’t we doing that? “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ Matthew 25:45 (NIV)
One blog I read talked of a little girl with hydrocephalus that couldn’t get a shunt. I’ve seen the pain caused by not having a shunt. Codey has tapped his head repeatedly and signed please to get on a gurney to get his shunt fixed. If you know how much Codey hates hospitals and stretchers, you’d understand that he was truly in pain. I’ve held him why he screamed out in pain. I can’t stand that babies are just languishing in pain. I read another blog that talked of a little boy who is 6 who weighs 18 pounds because the orphanage malnourishes the children so they are easier to handle. This same orphanage had 11 children die this past year and 30 more were hospitalized severely malnourished. Why is this happening? I sometimes want to not read these blogs and pretend I don’t know what is going on because what can I possibly do about it? It just breaks my heart and my home isn’t big enough for all of them – but oh how I wish it was.
I know adoption isn’t for everyone. I know that it is expensive. It drives me crazy that it costs tens of thousands of dollars to take in a child that is abandoned. Why? Why? Why? How do we change it? What difference can we make? I want to be that squeaky wheel that gets something done. There are so many options though. You can sponsor a baby in an orphanage. You can help pay for a surgery or a portion of a surgery. You can help someone else who is adopting by donating to the cause.
I look at how happy our kids are. They have serious health issues but they are truly a joy. They are an amazing addition to our family. I can’t even begin to explain to you how happy they have made me. Will there be tears in the future? I’m sure there will be. Will there be trials? Well, especially with Benjamin I’m sure my heart will break, but loving him has been so worth it and it’s only been 2 months. 2 short months and my heart is his. Yesterday, he just sat and chanted Mama. He sat on my lap and touched my face so softly over and over again. He is just so happy and so loving and I am so unbelievably blessed. And Maisey….well, Maisey is joy – she’s all funny faces and laughter and just plain joy!
Dan and I both know that God is calling us to do something about this. I wish I could ask God to just send me a memo outlining what I should do and who I should talk to. My writing this blog doesn’t really help because I know all of you know how I feel. I know that if you could help you would. I just need to get it down in writing. This is my way of venting I guess and a good place to put those stories in writing so I remember.
Please keep praying for those babies around the world. Wonderful people step forward all the time to take in the least of these. I read about it on those same blogs every day. There are amazing people out there with great big hearts. Pray for their families and those sweet little kids. Thanks guys!
http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2010/07/amy-eldridge-of-lwb-speaks.html
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