• Benjamin – Part 2

    Date: 2012.06.05 | Category: Benjamin | Tags:

    I have been told by a couple people that my post yesterday about Benjamin was sad or depressing.  That was not my intent at all.  I want you to understand that I feel blessed to be this little boys mother.  I am blessed everyday when I wake up to his giggles.  I knew the instant I saw this little boys face that he was my son.  I have never been so sure of anything in my whole life. He is all sweetness and love.  Every moment with him is wonderful.  His laugh is contagious.  It is the funniest laugh.  I wish I could describe it accurately. It has sort of a Woody Woodpecker start to it and then it is this deep, from the depths of his soul laugh. It is seriously the best sound EVER!  He constantly makes goofy faces.  He scrunches up his face, squints his eyes tight, laughs out loud, and your heart melts.  On top of all that he is a protector and comforter.  He protects Maisey.  He worries about her and he takes care of her.  It would be understandable if they knew each other in the orphanage, but they were in different orphanages.  He makes sure she has a drink, or food, or a toy.  He picks her up and hugs her when she falls.  He is the best big brother.  He takes care of his Mei Mei (little sister in Chinese) and it is a beautiful thing to watch.  All of this from a 3 year old.

    Yes, it is sad that his is so sick.  Yes, it is unbelievably sad to think that this is an easily fixable heart defect if done within the first couple weeks of life.  I think about his biological mother all the time.  I have heard that father’s will drop sick children off at the orphanage because they think it is a curse to have a child die or be ill.  I’m really not sure how having the child die in an orphanage breaks the curse, but that is their belief.  I wonder if she woke up one day and he was just gone or was she was part of his abandonment?   Did she try and knew she couldn’t care for him?  It probably took a while for him to start looking blue.  Did she love him and abandon him in the hopes that he would get care?  In China you have to have cash up front for health care.  Most people can not afford to do that.  Why at 9 months of age did she leave him in a park of all places?  I was told it was because it was a visibly open place and he would be found quickly. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her to wonder what has happened to her boy. I pray for her peace every day.  I pray that God will comfort her.  I can not even imagine what it would take to abandon your child at 9 months of age.  I’ve only had him 2 months and I know I couldn’t do it.

    I am sad sometimes that it took us a year with paperwork to get him over here.  I don’t know God’s plan, but I know God’s timing is perfect so I am not bitter or angry at the time lost.  I can not see the tapestry of Ben’s life.  I often wonder did Benjamin help some other child there?  Did he impact another adults life?  Was it meant to show me patience, trust, faith in God’s plan?   Benjamin’s life has purpose.   He may not make it to adulthood, but his life definitely has purpose. I will continue to say “may” until the day he is taken from me.  There is always hope.  There are always miracles.  God is in control.  I am not and have never been in control.  For that reason, I will wake up each day and enjoy every single moment I’m graciously allowed to spend with him.

    I will admit to being disappointed that the fix they hoped they could do isn’t possible.  Benjamin’s defect is complicated and hard to explain, but it includes large ventricular septal defect, atrial septal defect, transposition of the great arteries all of which were untreated.  After his echo, they believe he has a coarctation – narrowing of his aorta. He is in congestive heart failure and has pulmonary hypertension.  It may be possible to do a heart/lung transplant, but we won’t know until he has a heart catherization.  He won’t be able to have his heart cath until his platelets are over 100,000.  We’ve been as low as 28,000 and as high as 92,000.  We did not know that he had ITP at the time of his adoption so we don’t know if he has a chronic form or a transient form.  So if you are praying for our boy, that is the specific prayer needed – platelets over 100,000 so we can do the heart cath and see what our options are.

    I want to reiterate that I am blessed. As I have said before…..seriously blessed!   I do not sit at home and feel sorry for myself.  I am blessed that I choose to put fear aside and  love this little boy.  I have faith that God’s plan is perfect and that He IS in control even though this world is a sad place and doesn’t always make sense.  Benjamin is a blessing.  What I wanted everyone to take from my post was that if God places something on your heart – DON”T be afraid, take that leap, the most wonderful things can be on the other side.  Don’t be afraid of losing someone.  Be afraid of not having the chance to love them.  Don’t be angry and bitter.  Don’t lose one precious moment that you could spend loving them.  Remember to love those around you and tell them every day.  Don’t assume you have forever.  Don’t assume that they just know. Show them and tell them all throughout the day.

    I mean seriously….how could you not love this face?