Hit by a bike and other fun things that happened in China.

Date: 2012.05.02 | Category: Adoption, Family Life | Response: 0

We headed out from Des Moines on March 7th, 2012.  Dan and I were excited to finally be heading to China.  We had waited a year to get to hold our little ones and it seemed so much harder to wait the closer we got.  We would be arriving in Beijing on the 8th.  I couldn’t believe we were actually going to do it.  We were traveling internationally for the first time.  I was so happy to be on this journey with my best friend.  I love that our hearts were in exactly the same place with all of this. Our lives were about to change in a really big way.

When we got to China we had a couple of days to acclimate and do some sightseeing.  Acclimating really wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.  Being out in the daylight and having plans made it a little easier or maybe it was I was just too excited to sleep.

Beijing was just SO big. They have 20 million people and 10 million more people come in to town to work. I think Iowa has 3 million people all together and our 5 big skyscrapers in our downtown are really quite tame compared to the miles and miles of skyscrapers in Beijing and every other town we visited.  I’m a small town girl that’s for sure.  It was just overwhelming – the noise, the pollution, the traffic, the massive amounts of people.

One of my favorite things that we did on our tour was a ride in the rickshaw. There was a street lined with rickshaws and people waiting to peddle you around.  Hundreds of rickshaws.  We went down streets that were barely wide enough to have a car go down them. We got to see how people used to live in the villages. The government is building many more modern buildings and the young are moving to those buildings, but there are still blocks of small one story buildings where people live with no indoor plumbing. They use public bathrooms and cook in a community kitchen.  The elderly like it because it is all they have ever known and it’s like one big family.

We got to visit one of those homes where a 77 year old woman lived. We sat in her room, which was 20×20 maybe, and she told us her life story – as translated by our guide. She had raised 3 children in this home with no indoor plumbing. She had chosen to marry for love and married beneath her status. She turned down 7 suitors and gave up a much more well-off life for a life of happiness and love. While looking around her room, I noticed many crosses and other Christian items. It turns out she was Catholic. In a country where 30 years ago it was illegal to own a Bible, I was in a room with a woman of faith.  It was amazing.  We later learned that China is behind only the United States for the number of Christians the country has.  They estimate as high as 100 million people in China are Christian.  That is amazing!

Our next great adventure was the Great Wall and the Forbidden City.  The Great Wall was amazing and so hard to climb.  It is one thing to climb a gazillion stairs.  It is another thing completely to climb uneven stairs at different heights while others are running around you.  There were tons of people going up to the first tower, then less and less people the higher you climbed. I climbed to tower number 4.  I was fine until I turned around to go back down.  My fear of heights kicked in.  I looked at the stairs a lot.  It was probably a good thing because it was so uneven.  I was so fearful of tripping and taking out about 50 people on the way back down.  Not good!  Dan bought a lock so we could put our lock on the railing of the Great Wall and throw away the key.  It is supposed to symbolize a marriage that can’t be broken.  I do love that man!

The Forbidden City was unbelievably BIG!  Our guide told us how one family lived here.  I can’t imagine being a peasant during that time and seeing the opulence or having your daughter chosen as a concubine and spending her life there for only the emperor.  Have I mentioned that I thoroughly enjoy being born in this country and at this time in history?  Though seeing the Forbidden City was an amazing site and one that was truly hard to comprehend.  It is just mind-blowing to think of the manpower needed to lay those bricks and build the walls – 600 years ago. Putting your hands on history is amazing.

We visited a silk factory. We watched them stretch out a cocoon (the size of a salt pellet) over a metal frame.  Then they take it and stretch it out across a bed to be put into a bedspread.  I actually got to help pull the corner out on one.  We also visited a Jade factory where Dan and I bought a “Jade Family Ball”.  I loved what it stood for (it means family that can not be torn apart) and we decided to buy one of the smaller ones to remember our wonderful trip.    There is a you-tube video if you are interested in seeing them make one.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnpEfGVdJs0  We went to an acrobatic show.  We also saw the “bird’s nest” at the Olympic Park.

Have I mentioned that many, many people bike?  There are regular bikes and motorized bikes and bikes that carry everything on big carts behind them and bikes with big baskets.  I stepped out from around a bus only to be hit by one of those basket carrying bikes.  Dan jokes that I almost ended up in that basket.  The Chinese gentlemen was not amused by the clumsy American woman who appeared out of no where.

Everywhere you go there are signs for public toilets.  It’s an interesting site.  Almost as interesting as the “split” pants the babies wear.  Everywhere you go you see little ones in big bulky snow suits with the crotch open and little bare butts.  The children walk over and just pee in the gutter or on a tree or on someone’s tire.  The snowsuits are crazy.  When we got Maisey I couldn’t tell how big she was because she had on two pairs of snowpants, a snowsuit and 2 coats.  It was 50 degrees outside.  We went to get some papers signed one day and I put her in a coat, long pants and her boots.  It was 70 degrees outside and I got lectured by the elderly ladies about not bundling her up enough.  They believe it’s good for babies to sweat and apparently it is good to have a cold, little tushy too.

Shopping was crazy.  When we got to Zhengzhou, we were informed that there was a Wal-Mart. Everyone was so excited.  Ha! It wasn’t like any other Wal-Mart I have ever seen.  We went up an escalator and were greeted by hanging gutted pigs, chickens hanging by their necks, and eels.  It was crazy.  It was much like a fresh food market.  While we were shopping we ended up in the formula aisle, where every other parent in our group was trying to figure out what kind of formula to buy.  Nothing was in English and we were all clueless.  I bet whoever was manning the video surveillance that night was getting a good laugh.  We looked ridiculous.  Dan and I tried to buy bananas and they took them from us all while shaking their heads sadly.  We finally figured out it was because we were the not-so-very-smart Americans and we didn’t put our bananas in a bag.  It happened to another family and the clerk brought them a plastic bag.  We, however, just got our bananas taken away. The Chinese buy very little at a time.  You couldn’t tell which line was express because no one bought more than they could carry home or take with them on their bikes. Dan and I commented many times about how many people live there but no one is really over weight.  Many people walk or bike.  The old buildings don’t have elevators.  They eat salad even at breakfast.  There is juice, fruit, and vegetables every where.  One of the families, that were very adventurous, walked around and ate from street vendors.  There was scorpions on a stick, tarantulas on a stick, eel on a stick.  I asked his daughter what she tried and she said strawberries on a stick.  I think I might have been able to handle that one.

The best part about making it to Zhengzhou?  We got to finally get our little ones.  Gotcha Day was a big day for everyone!  We all waited at the Registration Office for them to show up.  They were coming from many different orphanages, some as far as 4 hours away, so we all just stood there in the room and cried as we watched families be united for the first time. Maisey came first and I just picked her up and held her.  Then we waited and waited for Ben.  Dan went to the door and grabbed his little boy.  Our family was whole.

The worst part about China for me?  There were cars everywhere.  People pull in and out.  They drive 5 across on a 3 lane road.  They play chicken with each other.  You can be driving down the interstate with 3 lanes and all of a sudden 2 are just closed or better yet you come up over a hill and there is one of those motorized bikes carrying a hug bale of hay going right down the middle of the highway at about 15 mph.  People swerve in and out – no one wears seatbelts – no one has a infant/child safety seats.  You just hold on for dear life and PRAY…a lot!  People don’t pay attention to stop signs.  Our bus driver did a U-turn in the middle of downtown.  It was impressive.  When we headed to Hong Kong I texted Zach because our driver was doing over 145 kmh & I couldn’t get Google to do the conversion for me.  I like being safe.  I’m happy not going over 75 here.  China was a little hard on my nerves.  Amazingly though we saw very few accidents.  I don’t believe anyone is doing distracted driving in China.

The best part about China other than getting our little ones?  We met 12 other wonderful families.  People that are now dear to my heart for many reasons.  I didn’t get to hang out with them as often as I hoped.  Dan got food poisoning and was leary of eating anywhere.  I enjoyed Papa John’s on numerous occasions.  How funny is that?  I’m in China and eating Papa Johns.  Many people brought their children and it was sweet to see them interact with their new siblings.  I was surprised at how attached the babies were to their new parents and how quickly it happened.  The day we got Maisey and Benjamin they just held on for dear life.  I have to believe that Dan’s prayers about letting them dream about us worked. They wouldn’t let us put them down.  Benjamin was so happy in the hotel room.  He would play and run and laugh like crazy.  They ate and ate and ate.  They fell asleep holding food.  Ben’s security blanket for the first couple of weeks was a spoon and a bowl.  They were deathly afraid of water.   All in all I was just amazed at how smoothly everything went.  I was prepared for the worst.  I truly expected fighting and screaming and fear.  The only fear Ben ever showed was whenever we left the hotel.  He looked so afraid that we were going to take him back.  When we got on the plane and headed home.  We kept telling him family and pointed to the picture that he wore every day while we were there.  I think he finally got it then or at least he had a glimpse of what his life was going to be like.

There were many firsts while we were in China.  First time I’ve ever had a gas mask in the closet of my hotel room.  First time to see split pants.  First time I was told to “Be Prudent”.   I was surprised about the things I truly missed.  I missed just getting a drink out of the faucett.  Being able to text whenever I wanted to.  Facebook.  Knowing what the food was in the buffet.  Mainly, I missed holding my kids and being able to tuck them in at night. It was worth it to go get our two newest ones and I really enjoyed having a few days alone with them to bond, BUT I missed my babies at home horribly.

Before we left China, we visited Ben’s orphanage.  The didn’t recommend we go to Maisey’s. It’s probably a good thing.  I’m not sure why exactly, but we weren’t even sure we wanted to go see Ben’s.  I was so upset at how skinny they both were. Many of the children came and they had the usual baby rolls.  Our kids just looked so little.  Ben(3 1/2)  was 22 pounds and Maisey (2) was 16.5 pounds.  I couldn’t see how they could have been properly taken care of.  For that reason, I was glad I went to Ben’s orphanage.  It was a clean, state-of-the-art building.  There were many handicapped children and they were understaffed, but the place was clean and they were trying as hard as they could.  I’ve read that in some orphanages the ratio is 25 or 30 to 1 nanny.   There are just too many children and not enough help.  Ben wanted nothing to do with any of the people in the orphanage.  He just held on to Dan and buried his little face in Dan’s neck. I’m glad we went.  I know they cared.  It just isn’t the place for a child to grow up.

Now we’ve been home for over a month.  So much has changed.  Ben isn’t fearful. He loves his bath.  He shares his food.  He will actually turn down food now.  Ben says well over 100 English words.  He is so soft spoken and so sweet.  He holds his hand to his ear (like a phone)and asks to talk to Mema or Nana.  He loves to read and build things, especially with Zachary.  He runs and plays and is all boy.  Maisey has her BAHA and is hearing and talking and signing like crazy.  She turned two and had a great birthday.  Maisey is sweetness and love and giggles.  They have become part of our family so seamlessly.   I am so lucky to get to mother these two.  All the fears I had have not come to be.   People warn you of all sorts of things.  I haven’t seen any of them.   Life is good.  I would do it again in a heart beat.  What an amazing journey this has been.

Happy birthday Codey & Kyle!

Date: 2012.04.30 | Category: Codey | Response: 0

25 years ago at 12:04 a.m. my life changed forever.  My dreams for those 2 blonde-haired, blue-eyed boys would never come to be.  I arrived in Holland.

http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

25 years ago, this week was one of the hardest I would ever go through. I gave birth to twins at 29 weeks, Codey & Kyle (2lbs 7oz & 3lbs 8oz). Codey has had one of the hardest lives I have ever seen. He’s spent close to 5 years in the hospital. He has had close to 100 surgeries. He is a fighter. He is the sweetest, funniest, most loving child around. His life made me grow up quickly but his life changed everything about mine.

Kyle may have lived only 5 days, but his life changed me too. He made me appreciate every moment I have, to never take things for granted, to not fear death.

Yes, I know Codey won’t see this, but I am proud of my boy who was told on numerous occasions that he wouldn’t make it. We lost count of the times doctors told us to call family down because he wouldn’t make it through the night. We were told that he would be blind, deaf, and in a vegetative state. Many would see his life as sad, but I see it as a miracle. I am happy every day that he is here with me.

Plus, I never get to celebrate Kyle. Many times I don’t even get to say I have 8 children because it just takes to long to explain it. I love it when someone at a store asks me because I can proudly say I have 8 children and know that they won’t ask me more. Thank you for letting me celebrate this day! I can’t believe it has been 25 years already. I remember when I could barely stand the thought of how long it would be before I got to see Kyle again and now I’m 25 years closer.

Happy birthday boys!  Mama loves you!

Prayer request

Date: 2012.04.29 | Category: Adoption | Response: 0

I’ve been thinking about and praying for all the people out there who are trying to decide about adoption.  There are many kids just waiting for a forever family.  I’ve been thinking about sharing this prayer, asking you to pray too, and thought it was just too vague.  But one of my devotionals this morning included this verse: You cannot keep yourself from talking about what you care about most. Jesus said, “A man’s heart determines his speech” (Matthew 12:34 LB).  Please pray for all those families trying to decide on a specific child and all those families trying to decide if it is the right thing for them. Pray for all those children out there (estimates range from 100 to 150 million children) just hoping & waiting for a forever family. Adoption is a wonderful thing. If God has placed this on your heart, please don’t dismiss it.  Trust in His plan and proceed.

One of the most awesome days ever…

Date: 2012.04.19 | Category: Maisey | Response: 0

This has truly been the most amazing day.  The ENT office called and after fighting with our insurance company, making a billion calls, and talking with the BAHA people, they decided to let us have a loaner.  We went in and they placed it on her head. The processor (hearing aid) clips onto this little pink headband ($160 headband).  We will leave my medical complaints until another day because today is too wonderful.  They turned it to the lowest setting and we said her name.  She proceeded to cry and laid her head on my shoulder and just sobbed.  BUT THEN Dan said, “I love you Maisey” and she figured out what was going on.  They slowly turned it up while we played with many noise making toys to see if anything upset her.  She did great.  Nothing really stressed her out.

When we walked out of the office, she heard a bunch of cars on the interstate.  The office is right by Interstate 235.  She just stopped and her little mouth dropped and she pointed at the cars.  She kept pointing and looking and me and pointing some more and smiling really big.  It was the best moment.  Truly the best.  Then she heard a bird and her head turned straight towards the sound and she laughed.

We celebrated with a stop at a local convenience store to grab her favorite powdered sugar donuts.  She placed one in each hand and celebrated with great gusto.  We went home and she played the guitar and was so happy.  We played music on the I-phone and she danced and sang.

Tonight when she took her bath we had to take off the headband.  She was so upset and she usually loves her bath.  She kept pointing at her headband and signing please.  She hasn’t touched her headband all day long.  It fell down to her neck once and she signed please to have it put back on.  I think it is official my girl likes to hear. This mommy is one unbelievably happy and blessed mommy.  What a wonderful thing to get to be a part of.  Praise God!

Adoption

Date: 2012.04.15 | Category: Adoption | Response: 0

Dan and I just read “House of Hope” about the foster home that Maisey was in while in China. The book actually mentions her because she was their 1000th baby treated. Maisey was taken out of her orphanage by this group because the orphanage couldn’t get her to eat and she was in the group of children who weren’t thriving.  Mrs. Hill who runs the Hope House Foundation took Maisey in.  Many of the children they take in die or are too sick to ever get on an adoption list but Maisey, with their help, put on weight and got well enough to put on the adoption list.

Plus, on top of that children with lethal/terminal conditions are not supposed to ever get placed on adoption lists, yet Benjamin did. It brings me to tears to think of him alone in an orphanage. I thank God daily that somehow He got Benjamin on that list. I can’t imagine Benji dying alone.  Both of these children are beyond sweet. They are kind and loving and so adorable. They laugh all the time and just enjoy life. I am so blessed to get to be their mama and feeling even more blessed after all that I have learned in the last few days. God is good and He watched out for my little ones. I know everyone keeps saying Benjamin & Maisey won the lottery, but truly it was me who won.

Everyone says “By the grace of God. I understand that and I get that, but what about all the kids that are left in the orphanages.  Does God not care about those children?  What if your child is sick?  What if you are the parent whose child isn’t saved? Did you just not pray hard enough. Does God just not care enough? How can you put together the thought of a loving God, an all knowing God and an imperfect world? I have 2 beautiful orphans who were saved. There are 10,000 orphans leaving China every year. But what about the other 800 orphanages in China alone?  Does God not see those orphans?  Does God not care? What about the child who is imperfect and no one sees their worth?  People talk about the chosen, the called, where does that leave the rest of us?  My head is just spinning with these questions and what I can do about it. Just so anyone reading this understands.  I am not questioning God’s sovereignty.  I understand His ways are not my ways.  I accept that His plan is perfect and I trust it with all my heart.  I know that man is evil and self-centered and that we have free will.  I just wish it wasn’t so.

I love what the Hills have done.  If you haven’t read any of it yet, look up www.hopefosterhome.com.  It is absolutely amazing.  The book “The House of Hope” was wonderful.   Mr. and Mrs. Hill talk about trusting God.  They say you just have to get in the river and trust that God will lead you were you need to go.  AMAZING!  They also talk about the starfish story.  Many have probably heard this one.  A gentleman is standing on the beach throwing starfish back in, one at a time.  Another gentlemen stands there looking at the beach covered in starfish and asks the other gentlemen why he is even trying because there is no way he can save them all.  The first gentlemen says, “I know, but it matters to this one” as he throws another starfish back into the water.  One orphan at a time.  I keep saying it over and over again in my head.

‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’   Matthew 25:40

I’ve heard it said that there is an orphan for every 10th Christian in the world. Why are we not opening our homes and our hearts? That last statistic I read says there are 125,000 children waiting to be adopted in the U.S. and there are 300,000 churches.  That’s not even 1 child per church.  I don’t know what to do with all these thoughts that I am having.  I know adoption isn’t for everyone, but there are so many other things we can do.  Now there are organizations that allow you to sponsor an orphan for only $30 a month.  Donate to someone who is trying to adopt.  There are so many ways to help.

My heart just breaks for these orphans here in the U.S. and around the world.  I have 3 children, who were abandoned, and they are the sweetest kids you could ever find.  I know not everyone can adopt, but if the thought has crossed your mind – don’t be fearful.  God provides.  God will find a way.  If the thought is placed on your heart, give it careful consideration.  Don’t automatically think “it’s too expensive” or “I just couldn’t do that”.  You’d be amazed at what you can do with God on your side.

Maisey’s a star….

Date: 2012.04.12 | Category: Maisey | Response: 0

Maisey update – Saw ENT today they are assuming she hears at 60 decibels. Normal talking is about 40 decibels. They are ordering her BAHA. PRAISE THE LORD!

On a sidenote: Maisey is in a book “The House of Hope” on page 216, they talk about their 1,000th baby helped and it was Maisey. They called her Chaya while she was there.

Dan and I have been praying about what group to help. I didn’t feel I could start my own foundation. I just don’t have enough time or truly feel that is the right thing to do. We both feel very pulled to help orphans.  Every since we decided to adopt Maisey, God has placed something on our hearts.  We just couldn’t pinpoint what it was.  It is interesting to me that the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through has placed me in the position I am in today. Living through Kyle’s death and fully trusting in the Lord’s plan for Kyle’s life allowed me to open my heart to a child/children with a shortened life span.  I realized this with Hope, when we decided to take a chance.  I felt it even more with Benjamin.  I knew he was my son and I would go through anything for him – just from seeing his picture.  Kyle’s death taught me many life changing lessons. Every day is a blessing.  Every moment is to be treasured.  Don’t take things for granted.  Don’t assume people know you love them.  Trust in the Lord!  Pretty big lessons from a little boy that lived only 5 days.

When we got back from China I felt something was still missing.  I am supposed to do more.  Over and over again I dreamt that my life is about to change.  I remember thinking I thought my life had already changed.  But I know there is supposed to be more.  Am I supposed to adopt again?  Am I supposed to support some group.  Should I sponsor some orphans through Show Hope.  Should we pay for surgeries?  What is God asking me to do?  I dreamt that I couldn’t find 4 of the 6 children that I adopted from China.  I woke up frantic and in tears.  I think that one freaked Dan out a bit.  Cassie joked that we were like Noah’s ark.  🙂  I keep praying that God will make my path clear.  That He will show me what I am supposed to do.  Our house is chaotic, it’s a mess, there have been blood draws and doctor appointments – why do I feel like there should be more.  It doesn’t make sense yet I feel it to my core.  God is calling.

I wanted something I felt a personal connection to and here it is.  The Chapman’s and Show Hope obviously have a special place in my heart.  It was Mary Beth’s fault I had adopted in the first place.  lol   Actually, her daughter’s quote about is it better for an orphan to have an older mother or no mother at all was the final deciding factor for me.  I had been dragging my feet thinking I was to old to adopt and then I read her book and God slapped me up along side the head.  I’m sure He gets tired of doing that.    But I wanted something I felt a true personal connection to.  And then it happened.

I love how God works. I just happened to send a Facebook message to Show Hope thanking them for all their volunteers.  There were tons of posts that day.  Why did Cathy respond to my post?  Cathy  looked  into it and found out that Maisey was one of their kids.  She asked me to let them know when we get her home so they can celebrate another forever family. I send them a picture and they send me the newsletter stating Maisey was the 1,000th baby helped. Someone just happened to remember she was in the November 2010 newsletter. Dan reads about the New Hope Foundation in China on line and he orders the book about the House of Hope and turns directly to page 216 and their is our little Maisey’s name.   These people, the Hills, take in the sickest kids and try to bring them to health.  Their vision is “To comfort always, to relieve often, and to save sometimes.”  A place after my own heart.  I will continue to pray for God’s leading, but I can tell this one is gonna be big.  I wonder what He is asking me to do.

Motherhood

Date: 2012.04.06 | Category: Family Life | Response: 0

I’ve been thinking about this a lot….how stay at home mom’s are looked down upon but change it to caring for an orphan & suddenly it’s this much bigger thing.  Saving orphans is a wonderful thing and God calls us to do this, but remember a child is a child in God’s eyes.  So do everything as unto the Lord.  Your work is important. Those who are allowed the luxury of staying at home, glamorize work  while those at work, envy the time those at home have with their children.   It’s the whole grass is always greener thing.  This isn’t meant to criticize anyone.  I just wanted to share this article because it hit home for me.

 There is a good old saying, perhaps only said by my Grandfather, that distance adds intrigue. It is certainly true — just think back to anything that has ever been distant from you that is now near. Your driver’s license. Marriage. Children. Things that used to seem so fascinating, but as they draw near become less mystical and more, well, real.

Good news and bad news….

Date: 2012.04.05 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey | Response: 0

Would you like the good news or the bad news first? We’ll go with the good…
The good news — Maisey really truly seems to hear. I can’t wait until her appointment on the 12th. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, but more and more people, including the doctors we saw today, agree that it is a strong possibility that she is able to hear out of her right ear.  Today she took my phone because the music was playing and put it up to her right ear.  It paused and she stopped and handed it to me and signed please.
The bad news — Benjamin has a temp of 104+, his platelets are 28,000 and we now have an appointment with hematology in Iowa City on Monday. Poor little guy. Hopefully, we will still be able to do the cath on the 18th.  Prayers are appreciated.

Benjamin and Maisey are truly the sweetest kids.  I can’t believe how much they love and trust us all ready.  I get how much I love them.  I’ve had a year to dream about them and to fall in love.  Benjamin and Maisey have both had numerous blood draws and they are really angry while it’s happening, but as soon as it’s done they let me comfort them and they hug me so tight.  It’s only been 2 weeks since we’ve been home.  It hasn’t even been a whole month since we met and yet it seems like they have been mine forever.  I truly don’t understand why I’ve been blessed but what a gift these two are.

Maisey is so funny.  She is just this petite little ball of fire.  She makes about 100 different faces.  My favorite is when she tilts her head and puts a palm on each cheek and just grins this huge grin at you.  She knows she’s adorable.  I remember when we talked about adopting her and how it would be to have people comment on her facial defects.  I was worried about how to handle it and what I would say.  But none of that has happened, everyone keeps talking about how cute and sweet she is. Don’t worry about what might happen because many times it never comes to be.  You’d think I’d learn.  Matthew 6:34   Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Benjamin is sweet, kind, generous, and so loving.  He tried to help unload the dishwasher today.   What 3 1/2 year old tries to help like that?  He loves to sit on my lap and just rock.   He asks “What is it?” all the time and just takes it all in.  He is learning so much each and every day.  I took him outside to walk around our path because he was so hot and it was cool outside.  We pointed at the moon and the stars.  He leans in and kisses my cheek and hugs me so tight.  No matter what happens in the months or years ahead, everything will have been worth it, just to have these moments with him.  He is just so happy and his giggle melts my heart.  It is the sweetest sound!  There will be no worrying about tomorrow today.  🙂

Maisey hearing.

Date: 2012.04.03 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey | Response: 0

I have a couple of drafts saved that I have been working on that talk about our trip and adoption, but I don’t seem to have a ton of time to just spend on the computer these days. First off, trying to keep everyone happy and fed is a major feat some days. Secondly, Benjamin has been pretty sick and we’ve had numerous doctors visits and lab draws. It turns out his blood work isn’t great and we had to postpone his heart cath until April 18th. His platelets were only 40,000. He bruises very easily and has had many bloody noses. We are trying to get all the blood work done, but they are trying to not make him anemic while doing said blood draws. They think it may be ITP – don’t ask me what it means. I’d just have to Google and copy and paste for you. So we’ll keep it simple and let you Google it. 🙂 It just makes things a smidge more complicated as we try to figure out what to do to make him feel better and to get his sats up.

Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for my husband? He has researched everything possible trying to figure out what it could be with Benjamin. He has consulted specialists, spent tons of time on the phone trying to get it figured out. He has reviewed AAP guidelines for international adoptions and what labs need to be done. It just makes me sad for other families who are just left hanging. It has made me think a lot about how this can be fixed. It’s just plain frustrating.

On a slightly disgusting note, (this will be a TMI for most) I had to do stool samples for the kids. It was a first for me and not something I care to do anytime again. Praises to all the nurses who have to mess with everyone’s bodily fluids way too often in their line of work. No one gives you enough credit I’m sure. My hat is off to you for all that you do to care for your patients.

But on to what this post is supposed to be about, Maisey hearing. Her actual appointment to get her hearing checked is April 12th. I do hope we get good news at this appointment. We truly do think she can hear some things. She responds differently than what we have been told a deaf baby will do. She says sounds that they usually don’t make and she isn’t monotone. I’m going to attach a video of her with Dan and the guitar. It was wonderful. Not sure if she was truly hearing it, but it seemed like it. It was a good, good day.

Thanks again for all your prayers for our family and our two new ones. They are truly, truly a blessing. I cannot believe how well they have fit in with our family and how much they love the other kids already. I am truly blessed and grateful every day for the blessing of them in my life.

3:15 a.m. ponderings

Date: 2012.03.29 | Category: Benjamin | Response: 0

I woke up wide awake at 3:15. I would have sworn that it was 6:15. I felt that good. I’m sure when it is really 6:15 and I need to get ready to go workout, I may not be feeling quite as chipper. Plus, I’m not looking forward to lifting for my lower body. My arms still hurt from Tuesday. I obviously should have taken a set of bands with me to China. 3 weeks off is too long! 🙂

This morning in bed, I laid there for a while and listened to my children breathe. I slept with the crew last night because Gracie needed held because she felt nauseous after her chemo and Ben needed the other arm after his big day or he wouldn’t go to sleep. Maisey who does not want to be cuddled (because then she might actually close her eyes and she’s fighting it with all that she has) has scooted herself over on top of my head on the pillow. Hopey is at my feet and her dog scratched at the door until I let him in to sleep beside us both. All of this should NOT have led to a good nights rest, but it did. So I find myself awake this morning thinking about Benjamin and what led me to him.

I’ve written about it before so I won’t go into great length about it, but I will say everything about adopting him was a HUGE leap of faith. Dan and I both trusted with all our hearts that this was a God thing. We knew going in that his defect was unfixable. It didn’t make sense how attached we were to him. How we wanted to proceed even though we knew he might not live long enough for us to get him. We knew all of this, but I had hope from our earlier talks with Dr. D. I cried, when at Hopey’s appointment months earlier, we discussed Benjamin and Dr. D said that he could maybe extend his life for 10 more years. What a blessing 10 years would be. I cried again yesterday when they said that specific surgery was no longer a possibility. It’s hard to listen to the doctors say well there’s another procedure that maybe could be done, but only a couple of places do it, you could ask around after we have more information from the cath. Dr. D said that the procedure can lead to arrhythmias in their early 20’s but you wouldn’t have to worry about that because his life expectancy will not be into his 20’s. I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear that after all he’s been through there is a cure, that there is a fix. I know Benjamin doesn’t know any better. I know that if it’s before the age of accountability he will go to heaven and if he lives long enough, I will be able to lead him to Christ. Benjamin’s life after this one will be full of many, many blessings. But darn it, I’m his mama and I want to be able to fix it.

I’ve had to fight so many thoughts of worry, anger, bitterness during this past year. I had to confess my mental attitude sinning quite a few times yesterday. I’m angry that I lost a year with him waiting for stupid bureaucratic paperwork. I’m angry that there is a culture that doesn’t value his life. I’m worried that I won’t be enough. (Although that one is subsiding after yesterday. He let me comfort him at every point. He believed me when I said, “No owies!”. He let them do the tests.) I’m upset that his little life has so little value by the world’s standards. I know he has great value in God’s eyes, but the world has let him down. He was starving. He is malnourished and protein deficient. He is so little that you can see his heart beat between his ribs. He has been alone and fighting for so long. I’m filled with pain because I couldn’t do anything to protect him or comfort him.

I’m trusting God’s plan. I’m trusting in Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I know that doesn’t mean there will be a miracle, but I haven’t given up hope. I know that doesn’t mean everything will be cheery and work out well. Life can be very sad and unfair. I have sick kids. I’ve signed on to take care of children with special needs and still my healthy, sweet, baby got lupus. Life can seem very unfair, but the reality of it is why shouldn’t things happen to me? Am I somehow above the bad? Who would I wish it on? Who would I say deserves it more? No one. God choose me to mother these sick little kids and I will do it to the best of my abilities. Their lives touch so many more lives than mine ever will. I watch Gracie and see how she moves people. I’ve seen how good people are as they supported her. Gracie has a faith and trust in God that is amazing! People still talk about Codey. People still comment about Hope and her story. I can’t see the big picture. I wish I could with Benjamin. I wish I could see why he went through what he went through. I know in my heart that there is a bigger purpose. I know with all of my being that God brought him to me for a reason. So at 4:15 I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, hoping that I can let go of the negative emotions that sometimes just show up, and that I will be able to stay completely and utterly focused in the moment of being his mama. What a special, special boy he is. What a sweet and loving spirit he has. Dr. D said he couldn’t believe he was playing and alert. His blood work is off and just touching him causes petechiae. Ben is sick and yet he is so happy. He giggles and giggles and play so hard. He isn’t angry. He is just love. What a gift I have been given. What a blessing that I get to be in the moment with him, that I get the gift of being his mama, that I get the privilege of comforting him.

On another similar note, I don’t know what to do when people say I am amazing. It seems weird to even bring it up but I feel I have to. It makes me feel very uncomfortable because the truth of the matter is I don’t feel amazing. I don’t think it’s amazing to love your child. It’s like commending me for breathing. I know God commands us to love our children. He also commands us to care for the widows and the orphans. I have seriously been told James 1:27 by 7 different people this week, even my Purpose Driven Life devotion had it. I’ve had this verse typed in the center of the pictures of my World Vision children for years. I understand what God expects of me, but that is not why I adopted Benjamin. I adopted Benjamin because he is my son. I don’t believe I’m amazing, but I do believe that God is amazing. In a computer full of little faces that all need love God brought me to my son. I knew he was my son with just a glance and the most wonderful thing is that Benjamin trusts that I am his mother! God is AMAZING! So my hope through all of this is that people will not look at me because the truth is that I am just an imperfect human*, but instead look to a God that is unbelievably amazing. God did not cause Benjamin’s pain – a world full of humans with free will caused his pain. Bad things happen. Could God fix them all? Yes. Could God make this a perfect world? I’m pretty sure it started out that way, and we took things for granted and messed it up. God deserves praise for working things together for good for Benjamin.

*My devotional prayer this morning says it all:
Dear God, Thank you for a new day. I know that everything I am and everything I have is a result of what you have allowed in my life. Sometimes life is very hard; other times it is full of happiness. I know you are always there and your blessing is available…if only I will listen and obey. Please help me to recognize the gifts you send and the doors you open each and every day. Give me wisdom to see and do your will. Thank you for the spiritual gifts you have given, also. I pray that you will use those gifts to work in and through me to minister to the world and draw people to you. In Jesus’ name I pray and give you praise. Amen. (by Os Hillman)

So even though I am sometimes sad at the unfairness of Benjamin’s life, you will not see me angry or frustrated at God. You will instead see me praise a God that is good. A God that has led me to my son and who has loved my son for all time with a love that I can not even fathom. He knows the number of hairs on Ben’s head and He holds Benji’s future in His perfect, all knowing hands. I trust that. I pray that Ben’s life will be happy and that I will be able to truly live in the moment with him. What a gift it is to be his mama.