Archive for the ‘Jasmine (Shuang Shuang)’ Category
It’s been a while since we’ve done a Food For Thought Friday. Today seems a good day to start again.
Jasmine came to us with great hope for a new life. The first two years were pretty darn amazing. She was happy to have a family. She was happy to start a new life with people who cared for her. She was filled with joy over being able to learn and do new things. Then she had her spinal fusion surgery and for some reason, even though we told her over and over again that it would only fix her back, she believed she would be healed and be able to walk. We have dealt this past year with her loss of hope and feelings of worthlessness about being a burden to those around her.
It’s a strange thing, considering she has never walked, but the loss of hope that she would one day walk, has taken it’s toll on her joyful heart. We go for periods of time where she can be content and turn it around, but her sadness over the fact that her life seems to have no worth because she is unable to do anything for herself except brush her teeth and eat, wins on too many days. Everyone has blue days and we allow her those, but this is much more than that and it breaks our hearts.
She is angry and she doesn’t know what to do with that anger. She rages and screams out. She can be angry for days. She refuses to talk to anyone, especially a therapist. Add the fact that no one has been there to teach her how to deal with her feelings, as we do with our young children, and we are left with a very angry toddler in a 16 year old’s body.
We have spent our days repeating over and over again that we want to care for her. We have told her, unlike her bio parents and her grandparents, we knew going in what her disability meant. Dan’s a physician. We knew as soon as we met her that she had a degenerative muscle disease. We knew and we loved her and she was then and always would be our daughter. But being abandoned when you are eight because you are too heavy to carry, has colored our girl’s world. She believes at some point, it will be too much and we too will abandon her. She’s striking out because she wants to be in control this time. She wants to be the person who leaves, but because of her physical limitations she is unable to, so she is left doing the only thing she can which is scream out in anger over a world that is unfair.
It’s been a very difficult year with her trying to get her to see that her life has worth. This is not sadness over adoption related issues but rather over the loss of hope of one day walking again. For Jasmine this year has been much like a person who finds themselves injured and paralyzed, learning how to find your purpose in life, when everything has changed.
Jasmine recently saw a movie trailer for “Me Before You”. She was so excited to go see this movie about a young man who is a quadriplegic who falls in love with his caregiver. Jasmine is a romantic. She loves romance and happy endings. She is often upset that she believes no one could love her since she is unable to do much for herself. I was excited about taking her to this movie, especially when I heard these quotes.
“You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible.”
“Push yourself. Don’t Settle. Just live well. Just LIVE.”
But then I read The Mighty‘s article about this movie. The movie ends with him ending his life with euthanasia. Really? We are trying our hardest to show our girl that you are more than your body. That life is worth living. We are trying to encourage her and get her to believe that what she was told in China is NOT the truth – that she does have worth. We are trying to show her that her life truly does have a purpose and that she has touched so many other lives.
Now I have to say that I can not go to see this movie with her because no matter how wonderful the love story portion of the movie is, I can not deal with that subject right now. She is at just too vulnerable a point. I know at some point we will have to have this very heavy discussion.
So for right now, we will continue to discuss what does “a life of worth” look like?
If you can’t or don’t go to college, does your life still have worth?
If you don’t marry, does your life have worth?
If you don’t have children, does your life have worth?
If you aren’t able to do any of your daily life cares, does your life have worth?
- When you are left to live with your grandmother, because you are told your mother can not stand to look at you, you doubt your worth.
- When you are abandoned because you are too heavy to carry any more, you doubt your worth.
- When you are cared for in an orphanage where you aren’t even worth the time to teach because the school is one floor above you, you doubt your worth.
- When you are left in a corner all day long because no one can bother moving you, you doubt your worth.
- When you are left to sleep on the floor with no blankets because someone can’t be bothered to lift you or cover you up, you doubt your worth.
- When you are told over and over again that the only way your life will have worth is if you walk, then what are you, as a child, to believe?
These are Jasmine’s “truths” that we have to overcome. She has talked about these facts often on her blog. (Flower that Blooms) She heard those truths for almost 14 years of her life. She has heard our “truths” for only 3 years. I know we will get there. I just wish I could get her to see herself through my eyes. I see a girl of great worth, who is compassionate and caring even though the world has let her down. I see a girl that can change the world with just her words. I see a girl of great strength and character. I see a girl when told she can dream about anything, chooses to dream about a day when there are no more orphans. I see a girl that others should try hard to be like.
I believe that a life that has worth is a life that touches other’s lives. I believe that you can have great purpose and never, ever fit the description of what the world believes is a life of worth. My goal now is to get Jasmine to believe it.
I posted this on my Facebook group, Seriously Blessed by Adoption, the other day and I felt I should share it here too. Jasmine’s words contain great wisdom. I am constantly amazed at how much she has been able to grasp in such a short time.
Profound lessons learned this afternoon:
Jasmine coming to grips with never being able to walk is much like a person who is paralyzed coming to grips with what their life will now be like. We were told about a motivational Christian woman named Joni Eareckson Tada. Jasmine and I bought the movie and spent the afternoon watching it. Joni says that she would rather be in her wheelchair and know Jesus then walk and not know Him.
Jasmine looked at me and said, “Mama, it’s like my life. If my grandmother hadn’t placed me in the orphanage, I would have spent my life in a corner in her room. I would have never gone to school. I would have never had a power wheelchair. I would never get to do the things I do now.
If I had never gone to the orphanage, I would have never known how children hurt. I would have never known what it feels like to be an aging out child. I would have never cared about orphans.
If I hadn’t gone to the orphanage, I would have never been adopted. I would have never been loved by you and daddy. I would have missed out on the love of all my sisters and brothers and the fun of watching kids join our family. And most of all I would have never heard about Jesus or known that my life was not worthless.
The next day Jasmine woke up and said to me, “The very last thing that has happened is that I am still alive. Mama, do you know what it is like to think that you would probably be dead if you hadn’t been adopted?” She went on to tell me again how the nannies offered to help her end her life. She told me that the nannies told her over and over again what would happen to her when she turned 14. It isn’t always the case that you will be turned out on the street or go to an institution at 14. If you can work, they will sometimes hire you. If there is someone who has taken you under their wing, then they will allow you to stay until you are 18 or older.
But they had let Jasmine know they were tired of taking care of her. They told of her of the place she would go to live the minute she turned 14. She was told it would be survival of the fittest at the adult institution. I don’t know anything about these places so I asked around. It is pretty much like it is here in the states. It depends on what place you go to and how much they care, some are good, some are bearable, and some are very bad. Where she would have gone was bad, so yes, it would have been very hard for her to survive there.
Plus, without surgery, breathing would have gotten more and more difficult. What kills these children with SMA normally is respiratory illnesses. Here in the U.S. Jasmine has a cough assist machine to help her breath. We use it every morning to help open up her lungs. She had surgery that helped elongate her back and helps her take deeper breaths. She gets regular checkups and help from the very best doctors.
It’s a lot to handle as a 16 year old and yet she does it with grace most days. She has her sad days and her mad days but for 90% of the time Jasmine is joyful and outgoing and compassionate. Believe me with the stories she has told me, the fact that she isn’t a bitter, angry, awful teenager is in itself a miracle. I ask myself that all the time. How did she keep her joy? How did she stay so hopeful?
How? She held on tight to the hope of walking. She dreamed of having a family of her very own. She knew that there was someone bigger than her out there that she prayed constantly to.
I am so moved by her story. I am so blessed to get to be her mama. She teaches me something new every single day. It is an amazing journey and I get to be the one to help her navigate it. It’s a pretty amazing thing but that’s to be expected because she is a pretty amazing, wise young lady.
Dan and I often talked about what it meant for a 14 year old child to leave her country and everything she has ever known without so much as a tear. We worried about her when she didn’t cry tears over lost friends. Jasmine met us with a smile on her face and she smiled through the weeks in China and the trip home. We asked the guides numerous times to find out what she was thinking. We asked if she had any questions. We were prepared for the tantrums and the fights, but none came. In fact, the only question she ever asked was “Would we give her away in America?” How could this be? How could that be the only question?
It was almost a year later when we first started to find out why she never cried when she left her homeland. Jasmine had been told that by coming to America she could be healed. She would walk. This hope had kept her alive for years. Add to that the fact that she had been told that the only life for her, would be one in an institution, where she would be beaten and not fed and surely die. Yes, they did tell her these things, and well, she was more than ready to take a chance on this family that showed up and showed her love. She was ready for a change and ready for a chance.
I haven’t shared a lot about the struggles Jasmine has had these past few months, but they have been heartbreaking. At first I believed that the extended hospitalization triggered some bad memories locked away from previous hospital stays where she was left alone, which is partially the reason, but the full reason was that Jasmine had lost hope. She had lost the hope, that had been so fully embedded in her mind, the hope that had kept her going for years, that she would one day be healed and would walk.
Even though we told her time and time again that her spinal fusion would only straighten her back and help her breathe easier, she still held out hope that she would walk after the surgery. When she ended up being even weaker than she was before, it was too much to take. She lashed out with words that cut deep. She screamed. She cried. She raged. Some days it was for a couple hours and some days it would last eight, nine or ten hours.
Compounding the issue was that Jasmine has no coping skills. No one had ever taught her what to do with her anger. Yes, she is sixteen both physically and mentally, but emotionally she was a toddler. No one has ever taught her how to work through her problems. Many days she would be ok, but the light had left her eyes. We wondered if we would ever see that beautiful, joyful, straight-from-the-soul smile again.
We worked hard at reminding her of her worth, but when you have heard you are worthless your whole life it’s hard to believe. We told her that she could accomplish much. We reminded her that her strength would come back, anyone would have felt weaker after lying flat on their back for a month. We reminded her of her dream that she talked about in the hospital and before. We told her God has big plans for her. We told her that she could make a difference but even though her head understood what we were saying her heart just couldn’t accept it.
We shared Rick Warren’s quote (Which Dan and I fully believe from our life experiences.) – “Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. Don’t waste your pain; use it to help others.”
She wasn’t lashing out every day but it took very little to make her angry. Everyone in the house walked around on pins and needles afraid that they might say something to her. Even the littles were affected. They no longer ran to Jasmine for a book to read or to show her something they did. Most of the lashing out was saved for me. I had a really hard time with this because Jasmine and I had had a really close loving relationship. It was me she shared her fears with. It was me that she told her nightmares and her stories of abuse. Dan reminded me time and time again that the reason she said those things to me was that she felt safe with me. It was because she knew that I would still love her and would never leave her that she felt safe sharing. Even though I knew this truth, it was hard not to react sometimes. Sometimes I was proud of my responses, often times I was not. Sometimes I made things better and sometimes I made things worse.
We tried to remind her of her wish to help orphans. We came up with the name Jasmine’s Dream based on her comments from one of her surgeries. As she was getting set up for one of her many surgeries after her wound infection, the anesthesiologist started talking to Jasmine. The doctor told Jasmine that often times the medicine helps you to dream. She asked Jasmine what she was going to dream about. Jasmine merely stated, “I am going to dream that one day there will be no more orphans.” The room went silent. The doctor later told me that she was so touched by this comment. There was no dreaming of vacations on the beach or shopping trips. The anesthesiologist told me she would remember this forever.
Jasmine’s Dream was created to continue the work we have already done during the past two years sponsoring children and helping others adopt. Jasmine and Grace have both raised funds for nutrition programs at Jasmine’s orphanage. We wanted Jasmine to fully grasp that she could make a difference. We wanted her to know that she had worth no matter what but that her time on this earth was no a mistake. She was not a mistake. Dan found her a copy of the Purpose Driven Life in Chinese and English. The second chapter is called “You are NOT an Accident”. This chapter has taken on new meaning in our house.
As it often is with our children, hearing it from another source made what we were saying even more believable. She started to quote the book. She started to believe that her life had meaning. She started to dream about Jasmine’s Dream again. She asked me one day if she could start by helping 1,000 children? I told her it was possible and I made her a board to write down the names of the children we have helped. We were all amazed when we realized that we had helped 86 children so far. It’s hard to know how many children their $8,000+ helped with the nutrition program (Heroes for Healing) so we say 86+.
She started telling her siblings about how to apply the lessons taught in the book. She talks about forgiveness. She talks about her life having meaning. I knew Jasmine was finally getting it when she came to me and said that if she hadn’t been an aging out child in China, she wouldn’t care about aging out teens. If she hadn’t been abandoned by a grandma that cared, then she wouldn’t understand and want to help children stay together by getting the surgeries that they need in China. If she hadn’t been allowed to be adopted, she would never have learned about God’s love.
Is she completely healed? Of course not. The past pains and hurts are many. It will take a while for her to fully accept that the limitations of her body are forever. BUT she has made huge progress and that smile is back on her face. Jasmine has a very special soul. She is a very, very special girl. I love to watch others interact with her. It’s one of those things that you can’t even explain. I fully believe that God has plans for her and she has already affected many lives. The fact that she now believes it too makes this mama’s heart very, very happy.
If you would like to follow along, we have started a group page for her on Facebook called Jasmine’s Dream. We are working with Love Without Boundaries (LWB) to set up a fund on their page for her. LWB advocated for Jasmine and they are the reason we found her. Dan and I believe so fully in this foundation that we serve on the board of directors.
We are ready to help our girl achieve her dream. What a blessing it would be if there truly were no more orphans in the world. What if we could help families stay intact? What if we could provide support for those who were struggling? What if instead of adoption numbers plummeting people saw the need and stepped up – one child at a time? What if there were more foster homes? What if no child aged out? What if Jasmine’s dream became reality? What if….???? Please consider being a part of helping my girl’s dream come true.
You can ADOPT – FOSTER – SPONSOR A CHILD – VOLUNTEER – DONATE – EDUCATE!
As you know, Jasmine and I have been talking a lot these past few weeks. It has been hard for her to give up hope that she would one day walk. Slowly losing the use of your body is a lot for a 16 year old to accept. Dan and I have decided that she needs something bigger than herself to dream about. She needs hope to be able to help. She needs to know that she can still achieve much and help many children. Her hope is that one day there will be no more orphans. She wants to keep families intact and help those children, that are hard to place, get adopted. We are working on “Jasmine’s Dream” and soon we will tell you all about her goal.
Jasmine has been praying for four children specifically. She has actually been praying that there is still room in our home for more, but right now that doesn’t seem to be where God is leading. Although, I have learned long ago to not say no to God so you will never hear me say, “We are done for sure!” One never knows where God will lead.
Our family has been praying for Superman, Baby Hope, Summer and the little girl that Jasmine was in the orphanage with. There are children that you see on the advocacy sites, that steal your heart for whatever reason. For example, when we were adding a second child to our adoption, there was one little girl that I just couldn’t get off my mind. I kept praying for a clear answer and the answer was never yes.
I kept thinking how can it ever be wrong to adopt a child? I kept asking God to make things clear. The “let’s fix this now” part of me wanted to go get her now, but I knew in my heart she wasn’t meant to be my daughter. She has now been chosen. I have seen pictures of her new family. I have read the words leading up to their decision to submit their Letter of Intent. (Ridiculous Faith) I love how God works and yet I have shed tears over a little girl that was not meant to be ours.
I mean really who wouldn’t want to call this child daughter? Who wouldn’t want to stand there and have this little face look up to yours expectantly? Who wouldn’t want to shower her with unconditional love and help her to be the very best she could be?
Many have looked at her file and walked away. Her physical beauty and big personality could not put them at ease. There were just too many unknowns in her file. That’s the problem with adoption. There are so many unknowns. We can’t imagine being able to handle the physical or mental disabilities. We look for the easiest problems, the fixable things. We look for things we are comfortable with or already know. I have talked many times about the fact that I’m not sure what I would have said if I had known Lainey or Jasmine’s true diagnosis before we got to China. I’m not sure I would have taken the chance. I mean who would sign up for their child slowly fading away with a degenerative muscle disease or pick a child who cried all day and beat her head on the wall especially when their lives were already so complicated?
I can guarantee you that Kyle dying or Codey being in the hospital for 14 months was not what I wanted. If I had been asked beforehand, I would have adamantly denied that I could handle it and walked away. BUT Codey and Kyle changed my entire life…they changed my walk with God. My relationship grew. My life was fuller. My viewpoint clearer. My priorities changed forever. Those two things made me who I am today. Who would I be if I hadn’t walked that journey?
The point when God asks us to follow His lead, isn’t that we can handle it. It’s just the opposite. It’s to show how much we need Him. God’s glory is shown in our weaknesses. It’s only when we say over and over again “Only with God” that people take notice.
Each time God asked us to step out in faith and we saw how being obedient to His call blessed us and grew our relationship, it made following through the next time we heard the call just a little bit easier, until we got to the point that we didn’t question it when He called. We were that sure that God’s way (the unknown – the difficult – the faith growing) was so much better than our way (the comfortable), that we said, “Okay God. I have no idea how this is going to work, but let your glory shine! We trust you!”.
Jasmine knows what it means to be overlooked. Jasmine knows what it means to almost have time run out. Jasmine knows what it means to sit in an orphanage day after day after day. Jasmine knows the scars that slowly build up on your heart over time and the overwhelming fear that can cloud your mind and because of these things Jasmine dreams of doing more.
She has asked over and over again what we can do. She prays for these children and the others left behind. Recently Gracie and Jasmine asked me about sending their allowance to two of these children who have funds set up. Their families have stepped up, even though their child’s future is uncertain. Two of them have traveled and one will travel soon. Jasmine and Grace chose to give their allowances to these children. They talked about how there was nothing that they needed and what better use would there be for their money? Won’t you consider helping them? Superman’s family will travel soon and the families are already in country with Baby Hope and Summer right now.
This is what we are called to do as Christians.
We are called to care for the widow and the orphan.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27
We are called to give away our possessions:
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. Luke 12:33
If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? 1 John 3:17
We are called to bear each other’s burdens.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
We are called to help each other and not just encourage with words.
What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. James 2:14-17
What are you living for? Life on earth is but a small portion of eternity.
How are you going to finish?
Make your life matter. Leave a legacy. Don’t wait for tomorrow because tomorrow may never come. Dream big and let God provide!
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” Acts 20:35
If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I believe there is always good that comes out of tests and trials. Life is all about perspective and how you choose to see things. I firmly believe that God can take the worst situation and turn it around for good.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Jasmine has been by all accounts the poster child for teen adoption. From the moment we met her she has been nothing but sweet and joyful. We worried while we were in China that she didn’t cry or have any questions for us. We wondered why she didn’t seem sad to leave her life behind. She seemed more than ready to join a family and start a new life and although everyone kept telling us this was just the honeymoon period, it never ended. She was a great addition to the family and instantly bonded with everyone.
Except for a few bad dreams and the sharing of some absolutely horrible stories of her past life, we have had a pretty uneventful 20 months.
We entered the hospital on January 13th for what was to be a week long hospital stay after spinal fusion surgery. Everything went according to plan and we went home six days after surgery. Six days after coming home Jasmine started running a fever and we took her to the local hospital. Jasmine ended up being septic with a wound infection and was transferred by ambulance back to the children’s hospital two hours away. This infection would lead to a 30 day hospital stay, which included pancreatitis, a lumbar drain being placed, and four more surgeries.
The stay was very hard on Jasmine. She had to lie flat on her back for weeks and that is the most painful position for her to be in. During procedures we had a couple bouts of post traumatic stress that lead to hours of crying hysterically and there was no way to calm her. It was extremely painful on our hearts. It was hard to watch our happy, joyful Jasmine be so sad.
Dan and I decided that I should not leave her side in the hospital. Jasmine had been left in the hospital alone numerous times while in China. She was convinced that we would abandon her in the hospital too. For that reason, I only left her room for short bouts of time. I missed the kids at home but everyone understood that this was what Jasmine needed and we all agreed that although it was hard, it was what needed to happen.
Before I delve into the rest of the story, I want you to know that Jasmine and I have talked about whether or not to share this and she believes it should be shared. I also believe there is much to be learned from this story but I wanted to wait until my feelings were on a more even keel before typing anything. The past three months and especially the month of March was extremely hard on this mama’s heart. I was hurt and angry over things that were said. I don’t want my hurt feelings to color this story and for that reason I waited until now to share.
When we got home we noticed that Jasmine wasn’t any happier. She sat in her chair in the corner of the living room or at the table. She didn’t want to call her friends or play on her I-pad or do any of the number of other things that she loved to do. I started to worry about depression but Dan said this was to all be expected. She was dealing with a lot and needed some time to decompress.
It’s true that she was dealing with a lot. She was much weaker after lying in bed for so long. She wasn’t even able to hold her head up by herself. She knew for a fact that she had SMA and knew that some day she would get worse. Because she was so weak after surgery, Jasmine started to believe that this was already happening. When she was in the orphanage she had the belief that she would come to America and be healed. The nannies had told her on many occasions that she would see doctors here that could treat her and allow her to walk. I believe this is what got Jasmine through all those years in the orphanage.
Surgery and a diagnosis had taken away that dream. She started to wonder what there was to live for. She felt sick. She knew she had to have a feeding tube for an extended period of time, i.v. antibiotics with a pic line, and then oral antibiotics for a year. All of this still might not fix it and she could end up still needing her hardware removed at the end of that year. It was a lot for a little girl to take in.
We talked to her about her regaining her strength. We told her that this wouldn’t last. We made lists of what she could still do. We showed her in every way possible that there was very little that she was able to do before that she couldn’t do now and that those things would be fixed once she was stronger. She didn’t believe us. She was just so sad and coming from a girl that oozes joy, it was very hard to watch.
Jasmine started being mean. It was small digs at first and then it was outright nasty. I’m sharing this not because I want to paint her in a bad light but because it may help someone else. Jasmine would say mean things to me and then when it made me cry, she would smile. It was so hard on my heart and so hard to not take personally. I knew she was hurting. I read all the articles on the whys and the whats of a hurting child. I read about how to stay calm. I read about how to redirect them and teach them, BUT I can tell you in the midst of a child raging at you it is extremely hard to not take it personally and stay calm.
I gave myself timeouts. I walked around our acreage. I sat in the bathroom and cried. I prayed and begged God for some insight and patience. I tried my best to not react and I failed many, many times.
One day after a particular mean outburst, Hope, Grace and Elyse had had enough. This was my fourth time crying that morning and they turned on Jasmine. The wonderful part was they had taken everything Dan and I had said and they implemented it. They weren’t mean. They didn’t raise their voices. They merely questioned her as to why she said what she did and why she was acting that way. They let her know that they didn’t appreciate her making me cry and they told her that there was nothing she could do to make them not love her. I have never been more proud of my girls.
Dan talked with Jasmine after that and she finally opened up. She was sad about the loss of dreams. She had started to believe that what she was told in the orphanage was true – that she was just so bad that she deserved this. She questioned God and what her life meant. She questioned whether anyone could really love her. She was questioning her future and what a burden she would be to us.
Dan was finally able to reach her by saying if she believed she needed to be punished, and we in no way thought that was true, she had already had that happen. She had been through more in her short life than anyone should ever have to go through. He told her again about the miracle that had to happen for her to join our family. How we had to get approval for three and how we had to work so hard to get there before she aged out. He asked her if God wanted her to be punished why would He allow her to join our family? Why would those miracles have taken place?
Dan explained again what God’s forgiveness meant. He explained that her past was in the past. She was forgiven. He explained that God already knew her future and she didn’t need to worry about it because we would always be there. Her family was not going to leave her. Dan also explained that she need to figure out her purpose so that she knew why she was living today. What did she want to accomplish with her life? What did she want her life to say?
That was the turning point for Jasmine. We started to see more of our girl emerge. Her smile started to return and we once again heard her laughter. She told me she has a dream and that she believes she knows what her purpose is. She has started writing a blog about this, which I am not allowed to see until it is finished. I have been thinking a long time about setting up a fund called Jasmine’s Dream, but was unsure of what path to take with it. I do believe I may have more insight after she writes this blog.
Now for the good that came after a very painful couple of months. Elyse had informed us when she arrived in America that she would not be learning a lot of English. She would learn enough to respond but she was NOT going to learn any hard words. This lasted for about two days when Jasmine was in the hospital for her second admission. Elyse is very outgoing and the fact that she could not communicate with anyone at home about drove her crazy. I am happy to say that she is conversing very well after only four months home. She is able to understand most simple instructions and she can let us know what she is feeling and what she wants with ease.
The other blessing that happened with Elyse is that she was unsure of how she felt towards me at first, but after being home for only a few months, was the first to defend me when Jasmine lashed out. Elyse said she knew how much I loved them and how much I was willing to do for them. She talked about how I cared for them and made sure they were okay. She talked about how silly I was and how much fun that made her life. Those were precious, precious words to hear.
I don’t believe the first hospital stay would have brought healing to Jasmine. I believe only the second, longer stay brought her to the place where she had to confront her past and decide what she was going to do with her future. I hate what she went through in the hospital, but I will be forever grateful for the healing it brought to our girl emotionally.
The biggest place of healing came from her understanding that we would never leave her. When Jasmine finally admitted that she was being mean, especially to me, because she didn’t want us to love her because it would just hurt too much when we left her, we finally had an answer as to the “why” she was acting out. She told us that her grandma had told her she was placing Jasmine in the orphanage because she loved her too much. I can’t imagine what this did to an 8 year old’s mind. She has been hurt by so many people that she loved. She has been let down and lied to. She has endured more than any child should and now that she finally had the love of family she was afraid it would all be taken away from her. She decided that she would end it on her own terms. If she made us all angry, then we would not love her and she wouldn’t be hurt again.
I told her time and time again that this would not work. I told her she could be as angry as she wanted with me, that my feelings would be hurt, but she could not make me not love her. I would always love her because she was my daughter. She would lash out and I would still tuck her in and tell her that I loved her. I would still care for her and do her cares. She was so confused. Day after day, I said “I love you” even when she was not being nice. All the pain I had gone through as a child let me know what she needed.
Then one day, I knew we had turned a corner. When I told Jasmine that we could never, ever just return her to China, she got so upset. She had never said she wanted to return before. Not once in almost two years had she said she wanted to go back to China. Yet, here she was angry that she couldn’t just get on a plane and go back. She finally admitted that she now wanted to go back to China and find her parents to let them know they were wrong. She wanted them to see that someone could love her and that she truly had worth. She wanted them to see what she was able to accomplish even though she couldn’t walk.
We will continue to show her what family truly means. We will continue to support her and let her know that we will never leave her side. We still have a long ways to go, but she is happy again and that is a beautiful thing. I knew we were finally on the path to healing when I heard her say those beautiful words “I have worth!”.
I have worth, God loves me, and I am alive to fulfill my purpose! A mother couldn’t ask for more for her little girl. Well, that and seeing this beautiful smile again. God is good! Life is good, even through the trials, life is so very good!!!!!
We knew after Jasmine’s initial post-adoption evaluations that she would one day need a spinal fusion surgery to help correct the curvature of her spine and allow her to breathe easier. The ortho team said that we would need to proceed after her spine reached the 60 degree curvature mark.
After 18 months at home, the time had finally come to prepare for surgery. We picked a time that would allow her to heal before her sister’s wedding. January 13th was the day that was picked. We would only be home for two weeks with Max and Elyse but the surgery and subsequent hospital stay was only to last 7-10 days so we thought we would all be fine.
The children’s hospital is 2 hours away and we had to be there early in the morning for Jasmine’s surgery so we stayed overnight in a hotel in town. We let her pick how she wanted to spend her evening. She chose HuHot and a movie. This girl loves her spicy food. If you’d like to try Jasmine’s HuHot recipe add six ladles of the spiciest sauce along with 3 ladles of hot chili oil and then watch as your cook’s eyes water. You don’t even have to eat it to get the full effect. Your eyes will water just sitting next to her.
Jasmine wanted to go to a movie and she chose the movie, Annie. We weren’t sure how she would react to it, but she was adamant that she wanted to see it. Jasmine’s loved the movie and when I asked her why she said that Annie was happy no matter what, that Annie made the best of her circumstances, and Annie didn’t forget her friends. Jasmine also said she like how Annie understood family was more important than money.
Jasmine slept relatively well and said she wasn’t very nervous about the surgery. She was, however, very concerned that we may leave her alone in the hospital. This was a valid concern because it had happened to her in China on more than one occasion. I can not imagine what that must feel like as a child to go through a hospital stay alone and yet it happens to many children each and every day. The endure open heart surgeries, spinal fusions, shunt surgeries, etc. all alone. It is truly heartbreaking.
We told her over and over again that nothing would make us leave. We loved her and we would be by her side every step of the way. We would be there when she went to sleep and we would be the first thing she saw when she woke up. She would never be alone again.
Jasmine’s initial surgery went well and the correction on her spine was amazing.
She was released from the hospital six days later.
Five days later she started running a fever and had chills by the late evening we knew she had to be seen. We were hoping it was something simple like a urinary tract infection but it was a wound infection. They admitted her to the hospital and then to the PICU at our local hospital. In the morning they transferred her by ambulance to the children’s hospital.
They took her to surgery to irrigate her wound and redo the bone graft. During this surgery they noticed that she had a tear in her dura. They patched it and hoped for the best.
A few days later she started having a horrible headache, her back drain went from very little output to 350 mls and we knew that her cerebral spinal fluid was still leaking. The took her back to surgery to put in a lumbar drain and she would have to lie flat on her back for a week as she healed. For Jasmine this was torture because lying flat on her back is the hardest position, the most painful position to be in. She was not allowed to roll side to side or sit up at all.
After a week, she was allowed to slowly sit up. A few hours later we noticed leakage from her back wound. The dura had not healed over as hoped. She would need another surgery to patch the wound.
They took her back for her fourth surgery. The plan was to just open her wound a little and repair the leak but when they opened the wound they noticed that the fluid looked cloudy. They decided to reopen the whole wound and irrigate the area again along with doing the repair to the leak and redoing the bone graft.
Jasmine was again required to lie flat for a week. She was noticeably weaker and had horrible stomach pain. We thought initially it was because she really hadn’t eaten much for weeks and had been on considerable pain medication for the back and hip pain and also for the excruciating headaches caused by the spinal fluid leak. We later learned that she had pancreatitis. The poor girl just couldn’t catch a break.
The plan was to slowly introduce food, but she just couldn’t eat. She constantly said her stomach felt full and hurt so much. We had been in the hospital, during this second admission, for an additional 30 days so the decision was made to put in an NJ tube to allow her to go home and heal. We packed up again and headed for home with hopes that all would go well this time.
Jasmine came home on tube feedings and she had a PIC line for iv medication for the wound infection. She has done amazingly well and just a few short weeks later she was allowed to take out the NJ tube and remove the PIC line.
I don’t know why Jasmine went through what she went through. It would seem to me that our girl had been through enough in her lifetime. I do know that she touched many lives while she was in the hospital, many people heard her story and what it means to grow up in an orphanage.
There are many more things I want to write about her stay, but it will have to wait for another day. I am having a hard time putting into words what it meant for her mentally and spiritually to be in the hospital. There were issues with people understanding her special circumstances. The hospital stay brought up old memories and pain. I got to see first hand what it truly means to have post traumatic stress disorder. I’m not sure I will ever adequately be able to explain it but someday I will try. It’s just too painful right now.
For now, she is healing well. She will be on oral antibiotics for at least six months and possibly up to a year. Hopefully, her hardware will not have to be removed but they will decide that at a later time. For now, she is regaining her strength and eating better. She is sitting up straighter and breathing much easier. Physically she is healing well. Emotionally the healing will take a lot more time.
It’s been a hard, bumpy, long road but the journey is a lot smoother right now so we are enjoying the relative peace and quiet and looking forward to Cassie’s wedding in May.
Jasmine and I have long talks about what to share, what information will make a difference, what information will teach, and in the end we decide some things are just too personal to share about her previous life. I know that fact is shocking considering how much she has allowed me to share, but let’s just say life for these kids is hard in so many ways and although there is tons of information she has chosen to share, there is just as much that she has chosen not to share. She had a life before the orphanage and it is that life that she is most hesitant to share about.
I believe I know at least part of the reason for this, it’s one thing to have someone question what a caregiver, who is a stranger, has told you to be truth. It’s another thing to question what people, who are supposed to love you, care for you, and protect you, have told you is the truth. It will take a long time to get through all the hurt from Jasmine’s first eight years. Her words in regard to this matter are, “If I tell you about my life and how bad I really am, you could never, ever love me and I want you to love me mommy.”
I have been so happy to have Jasmine as a translator for Elyse. With the toddlers the language barrier wasn’t much of an issue. We used signs and simple language, both Mandarin and English, and we did just fine. They picked up English very quickly. With Jasmine it was much harder at first, she knew very little English and we knew very little Mandarin. We played a lot of charades for the first couple of months. We used Google Translate, although it does a poor job translating in very much detail. Jasmine was pretty easy going and learned English amazingly quick.
Elyse joined our family and knew no English. She informed us that she would not be learning English and she refused to even try during the first two weeks home. Jasmine’s extended stay in the hospital nipped that in the bud though and during the last 30 days she has learned many new phrases and is picking up English rather quickly and has decided that she likes knowing two languages (three if you count the ASL we use too).
Elyse came to us with some very interesting thoughts. I am sharing these thoughts to let others, who are adopting older children, understand that even if you think you know what is going on in their heads, you couldn’t possibly comprehend everything that they are thinking. Unless you speak perfect Mandarin, know for a fact what their nannies have told them, and they trust you enough to have a indepth conversation with you, you are not going to know for a very long time what they believe to be the truth and what their fears are.
I consider it okay to share these thoughts because these thoughts are not Elyse’s. Elyse can not be held accountable for these thoughts nor should anyone think differently about her because of these thoughts. These thoughts are the lies that she has been fed over and over again throughout her life until she finally made them her belief system. If you will, it’s a form of brainwashing. If you tell a child they are stupid and worthless over and over again, they will believe it. If you tell a child that they are ugly, they will believe it. If you tell them they can not do anything, and no one will every want them, they will believe it. If it is the only thing they hear day in and day out, it becomes their reality.
Elyse has been told that her only hope to be happy in life is to come to America and get her legs fixed. Not only that, but she has been told she is lucky because she is beautiful. Being beautiful, getting her legs fixed, and IF she can have a baby, may make her appealing enough to a man that he may want to marry her and then she could finally be happy.
When we told Elyse that she had a doctor’s appointment her first words were, “Will they tell me if I can have babies?” She was so disappointed that she was just going in for a routine visit. And if all those other lies weren’t enough, she was also told that the doctors would be able to fix her legs and she will be able to walk. Elyse has spina bifida and no feeling in her legs. You can not fix this kind of nerve damage. Her legs are atrophied. One leg will not bend and one leg stays bent. No only did they feed her lies but they gave her false hope. It’s heartbreaking as a parent to have to crush those dreams.
Elyse is fixated on her looks. It’s very important to her. While we were in China, she would practice posing and take picture after picture of herself. She took over 3,000 pictures. She would stare at herself in the mirror and fix her hair for an hour. She wants to wear make-up. She wants to be appealing. She worries about whether or not her hair is styled just right. She is very sure of what she will wear and what she won’t. All of these things are not bad in and of themselves, but the reason for being overly concerned about them is bad, and without the knowledge that Jasmine gave us I wouldn’t have known what to make of Elyse’s behavior.
Elyse doesn’t like that her skin is darker. She doesn’t like that her stomach sticks out a little bit. She doesn’t like the lump on her back. She really doesn’t like people who are overweight. In China, I had difficulty with this. I am overweight. Having your child make faces and be disgusted over anyone that she sees that is overweight hurt my feelings. I tried not to take it personally but it was difficult. I knew that culturally that heavier people were made fun of in China. I knew this but it still hurt.
Here is what I’d like you to picture. You are in China meeting the child you have waited for and prayed for for almost a year and she doesn’t necessarily like you. She likes all the other mamas in your group because they are skinny. She likes to point to them and then point to your stomach and say “no”. When you eat, she makes faces. She refuses to eat. She bosses people around about what she would eat. She constantly talks about being fat or getting fat. Considering she is 9 years old and weighs 44 pounds, the likelihood of that happening in the next year is pretty slim.
She has an over-the-top personality and she turns it on extra bright when she is with other people. She does it in hopes that they won’t notice her disability. This has become her life mantra…..beauty means everything and without it she has no worth.
Underneath it all she is a sweet girl. With Max she was adorable. When we were in the room, she was so very sweet. She wants to be loved. She wants the love of family. She is only doing what everyone during her whole life has told her is right. You can not hold that against a child. Without Jasmine my judgment of what Elyse was doing would have been the wrong judgment. I would have been angry at her attitude because I wouldn’t have had the proper framework of why she thinks what she thinks. You have to take all of these things into account when you are dealing with these older adopted kids.
We used Google Translate a lot with Jasmine. It works for short phrases. It wasn’t until Jasmine started writing her blog and I used Google Translate to translate it that I realized how off it was. Someone who knows Mandarin and English wrote to me and said that what Jasmine wrote was even more beautiful when it was translated correctly and they were right. That was eye opening. Who knows what I had been saying to Jasmine during those first few months.
A friend was explaining how different words mean different things in Mandarin as opposed to English. Silly in Mandarin means you are a fool. If you want to tell them they are silly, you should say they are playful or jesting. They often say open when they mean on. Naughty means impish or mischievous not badly behaved. The character for chicken and muscle are the same. The list is long on words that have different meanings for them so even if they do understand what the words means it may not mean the same thing to you as it does to them.
These children refer to the nannies as mama. Jasmine was told she had to call them mama or she would be punished. They refer to older girls as jiejie (older sister) and younger girls as meimei (little sister). Much older girls are called aunt and men are called uncles. The elderly are referred to as nainai (grandma) and yeye (grandpa). These are the terms they use all the time. If they have grown up in an orphanage, they use these terms all the time but they don’t understand these terms as family.
Children are told they have to be good or you will send them back. They are told they have no worth and the only reason someone would want them is for their organs. They are told you are bringing them here as hired help. They are told that Americans are rich and they can have anything and everything they want. Jasmine was told that she was going to another orphanage because we had 6 kids. Elyse believed she was in another foster home because in China only foster homes have more than one child. You just can’t even imagine the things that they have been told or what they may be thinking.
We, as parents, have to look at things differently. One of my friends said it best when she said that you have to parent differently. It’s not up to them to change. It’s up to you to change. It is just not the same with these children. You can not expect them to respond like your bio children do. They come from difficult backgrounds. They have deep scars and trust issues. You have to lovingly help them to see what their worth truly is. You have to give them reasons to trust and you can’t expect it to just happen over night. I have heard others say that it takes a year out of the orphanage for every year spent in the orphanage for them to trust. For Elyse that would be another 9 years. I hope this isn’t true. I hope she sees that family is permanent. I hope that she can trust.
Some day I hope Elyse will see her worth isn’t tied up in whether she has legs that work or not. I hope she realizes that she can do anything she chooses. Someday she will see that she doesn’t need anyone else to make her happy. I hope she can one day see that she is beautiful but that is not what makes her truly lovely. But mostly I hope that one day she will truly understand the love of family and how much we love her not for what she looks like or what she can do but just because she’s our Elyse WanQiu.
Today Jasmine looked at me with big tears in her eyes and asked me if her hands will one day stop working too. I asked her why she was asking me and she said because she felt like her hands couldn’t do as much. I explained to her that she’s been flat on her back for weeks. She hasn’t eaten much by mouth in as many days. She’s on many medications for pain and all of these things can cause weakness and hand shaking. There are many reasons for her hands to feel weaker.
But because I have always promised to tell her the truth, I also had to say I don’t know if she will one day lose the ability to move her hands. Yes, it’s a possibility and a pretty big possibility. I just don’t know how long it will take to get to that point. She is stage 2 SMA, but there is a wide range of how fast the disease will take her muscle. Her surgery let us know that she has already lost a great deal of muscle but we are hoping we have hit a static point. Maybe, hopefully, she will keep the amount of movement she has for years.
She told me that every year her weakness has gotten worse. She’s never been able to walk and she’s slowly lost the ability to move her legs and raise her arms over her head. Her hands moving in her lap and wiggling her toes is all that she has left. She wonders what that will mean for her future. She has heard the word worthless her whole life. She said it to me again today. What good will I be?
I remind her that nothing will change. We will always be there for her. We will never leave her alone. We will never abandon her. She will always be in our home. She can still make a difference. She still has a purpose. Her life will still have meaning.
When Jasmine is upset, I like to do a visualization exercise with her. I ask her to picture when she gets to heaven. I have her picture God showing her two giant walls. On those walls are hundreds of pictures. On one wall is the pictures of all the children who are adopted because she chose to share her story. The other wall is covered with the pictures of people who were encouraged by her smile and life story.
She asks me if this can really happen and I tell her that God is able to do anything. I don’t know for sure what God will do when we stand before Him. The verses talk about one day standing in front of our judge. You can research and decide for yourself what you believe that means. But in my heart, I believe what I tell her to be true that one day God will let Jasmine see the purpose her life had.
I believe we often treat our salvation as a free pass. We accept God’s grace and we get into heaven. Not much more thought is put into it. We show up to church and try to be kind to others, but being kind and not judging others isn’t all there is to being Christ-like. We are called to action. God doesn’t want us to be comfortable. He wants us to be His hands and feet. He wants us to give generously.
One day I will stand before God and He will show me what my life meant and who my life touched. So what will my walls contain? What will my life show? What will be my impact? Will those walls show kindness or will there be post-it note after post-it note of things I should have done but didn’t. That picture scares me the most, a wall full of post-its with missed opportunities.
I remind her that we can’t possibly know all the people who we affect both good and bad. I’ve thought about this a lot today. How we get caught up in our day to day lives and lose track of all those people around us who could use a little help. So today I present you with a call to action. Today I want you to really think about what your wall will one day contain.
Will it show pictures of people you encouraged?
Will it show girls that you saved from the sex trade?
Will it show men, women and children who were fed?
Will it show widows who were helped?
Will it show communities who have clean water?
Will it show children who were adopted?
Will it show families that are intact because you lent a helping hand?
Will it show surgeries that were completed?
Will it show souls that were saved?
What will it show? I want my wall to be covered in pictures. I want to do as much as I can.
Today a little boy lost his life and his mother asked others to support another child who touched her heart and needs a family. She realizes the same thing I realize with our children. They may not live a long life but they will live a life full of the love of family and they will not die alone. She didn’t get to have Xavier with her as long as she hoped. Her post today said, “He’s gone.” My heart was broken for a little boy that I had only met on Facebook. Today in Xavier’s honor she asked others to donate to this other little boy, Brayden, so that he too may have the love of a family.
or maybe you’d like to help a family get their son home so they can ease his pain.
or help a little girl who had a stroke because of hydrocephalus but there is a family trying to get her home.
There are so many children who wait. My news feed is filled every day with people advocating for children waiting for families. You might not be able to adopt but you can help other families afford to. Think about that on a wall. Picture after picture after picture of children, who had the love of a forever family, because you gave up a few dollars every month.
Reece’s Rainbow actually has a 5/5/5 Fund where you can help five families adopt by spending $5 a month.
Or if you would rather help a family stay together by helping a child get the surgery they need. LWB Unity Fund
The list of ways to help is unending and it can seem overwhelming, but don’t let that stop you. Help one person at a time. We can’t fix everything but we can fix something.
Open your eyes. Take a stand. Pick a cause. Open your heart. Share your money. Share your time. Use your words wisely. Encourage someone.
Don’t wait – answer that call to action today.
“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”(2 Corinthians 9:6-7 NIV)
THAT JASMINE WOULD HAVE COMPLICATIONS FROM SURGERY
Many of you may know that Jasmine ended up back in the hospital. I hadn’t really considered that she would have complications. I’m not sure why. It’s a big surgery. They always inform you of the complications, but still I was so sure she would fly through this and be just fine. I was so sure of it that I really didn’t let my head go there. Instead she ended up with a wound infection and a blood infection. She was a pretty sick little girl. They had to take her back to surgery and reopen her wound. They took out the previous bone grafts, irrigated her wound with 12 liters, reapplied the bone graft, and closed her back up.
Jasmine had a second set back and needed a lumbar drain put in. She had a tear in her dura and lost a lot of cerebral spinal fluid. They took her to surgery and put in the drain. She now has to lie flat on her back for the next five days. If it heals over, we are done and can go home. If it is not healed over, she will need another surgery to reopen her wound, find the leak, and repair it and then five more days flat in bed.
She will go home with a PICC line and IV antibiotics for a total of six weeks at least. Worst case scenario is that they will not be able to clear the infection and they will have to remove all the hardware (screws and rods). We are all praying that this is not the case.
THAT JASMINE WAS CONSTANTLY HUNGRY IN THE ORPHANAGE
When we adopted Jasmine she was 14 and weighed 85 pounds. She wasn’t a very big girl but she wasn’t skin and bones either. I hadn’t really considered her being hungry all the time. When she shares these facts with me, she says them so matter of fact. It’s like it’s nothing, just another random fact she is sharing. These facts always break my heart.
Here is my post about this talk from Facebook:
Today I was talking to Cassie about Elyse not wanting to eat what Cassie was preparing and Jasmine overheard our conversation.
Jasmine – Mama, take away her food for the day and then tomorrow she will be really hungry and eat.
Me – Jasmine, did they do that in the orphanage?
Jasmine – Oh yes mama. If they take your food for a day or two, you are really hungry and you will eat whatever they make.
Wait, no don’t do that mama. It’s really not nice to do mama.
Me – Jazz, did they really take your food from you?
Jasmine – Yes mama and I could only have half the food everyone else got because I would get too heavy for them to carry. It’s hard to be hungry all the time. Don’t take Elyse’s food mama. Ok?
THAT MY LITTLE GIRL WOULD CARE SO MUCH ABOUT OTHER ORPHANS
Here is another excerpt that I posted on Facebook:
They took Jasmine to surgery at 5……They allowed me to go back with her until she was asleep. The anesthesiologist told her that sometimes the medicines let you have wonderful dreams. I told her she could dream about Cassie‘s wedding or summer vacation. The doctor asked her what she was going to dream about and Jasmine responded, “I’m gonna dream about no more orphans in China mama.” That, in a nutshell, is the heart of my girl.
THAT WOULD TAKE SO LONG TO GET PAST THE ORPHANAGE ISSUES
With Jasmine there haven’t been many orphanage behaviors. She doesn’t yell. She doesn’t hit. She doesn’t hoard food. She doesn’t cuss. She is respectful. She is loving. She is caring. She is sweet. But what she isn’t able to get past are the abuse issues. She can be in horrible pain and she won’t say a word. Here in the hospital, people comment time and time again about how good she is. I tell them over and over again (outside the door of course) that she isn’t being good. She is absolutely terrified to complain because she was punished for complaining. She was punished for speaking up. She was punished for asking to go the bathroom. She was punished for asking for more food. The list goes on and on and even though it’s been almost two years she doesn’t believe she can say anything to anyone else. She will tell Dan and I as soon as people leave the room, but she will not make a sound when other adults are in the room. I can not even begin to adequately explain to you how heartbreaking this is.
THAT MY HEART WOULD HURT BECAUSE I COULDN’T PROTECT HER
While we were in the ER, Jasmine had an accident, the first one she has had at home. The fear in her eyes as she was anxiously scream-whispering, “Don’t let them hit me mama. Don’t. Please don’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” Spoke volumes and I had to leave the room and bawl in the bathroom.
THAT I WOULD BE HORRIBLY SAD THAT IT TOOK SO LONG TO FIND HER
Whenever anyone asks us how long Jasmine has been with us and I say it will be two years in May, I want to just scream about the fact that we didn’t see her picture sooner.
THAT I WOULD BE EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED THAT I CAN’T DO MORE
After our last adoption (for a total of 9 adopted), I thought I would feel like we did our part. I thought that I could just move on, but there are so many children who wait. I don’t understand the evil of this world. I don’t understand not caring. I don’t understand causing others pain. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to ever understand it. There are children all over the world who are in pain right now. Children who are hungry. Children who need families. Families who need help keeping their families intact. Children who need surgery. People who need food and clean water and medical supplies and we have so much.
THAT ORPHANAGES WOULD BE QUIET PLACES
The thing that always amazes me about orphanages is how quiet they are. I’ve been in four different orphanages. Each orphanage was quiet, even in the baby rooms. In one place that we visited there was a new baby, in an isolation room that had recently arrived, screaming his head off, but there were 20+ babies in the regular room and not one of them was making any noise. It’s an eerie, eerie thing. What happens that make children not make noise, especially babies?
THAT OTHERS WOULD THINK IT WAS WRONG FOR US TO ADOPT SO MANY CHILDREN
See in my little world, I thought it was a good thing to adopt children. I honestly didn’t think anyone would have anything negative to say. I didn’t want or expect people to compliment us or commend us BUT I certainly never considered that people would think it was wrong.
I keep trying to find just the right comment that would make people see it from my viewpoint. Here’s what I have come up with….
They say…..What were you doing adopting four at one time? You can’t bond with four children at a time. You can’t care for four children at a time. It’s just too much and you shouldn’t have done it.
What they are really saying…..It would have been much better to let Jasmine die in an institution. It would have been better for Evie to die in the orphanage.
You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say it was wrong for us to adopt those four children without admitting it was okay for the rest to play out. See no one else was showing up. Jasmine had two weeks before she aged out. She wasn’t going to be lovingly cared for in a home. Evie had a couple more months. No one was there. She would have been just another child who died without a family, in an orphanage.
THAT ANYONE BESIDE A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY WOULD READ THIS BLOG
Sometimes I forget that others read it. I look at the numbers and am honestly just blown away. I don’t know why people continue to read my ramblings, but I am always, always, always, beyond thankful that our children have this wonderful group of people who care about them and pray for them.
THAT I WOULD BE FOREVER BLESSED BY FOLLOWING GOD’S LEAD AND THAT ADOPTION WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE IN WAYS I COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE!
We are so blessed! Not by material things, although we have them. No, what I am considering my blessings are those sweet faces that greet me every morning. I am blessed to watch our children thrive. I am blessed to hear them laugh and sing and watch them learn new things. I am blessed to be able to be their mother. I wish I could take away their pain. I wish I could take away the reasons that they ended up in an orphanage to begin with, but since I can not I will help them find their way in this world and consider myself blessed that I am allowed to be a part of their lives.
Adoption has changed everything. My life is no longer about me. My perspective on almost everything has changed. These children have opened and continue to open my eyes to so many things.
Jasmine and I have often talked about her sharing her story and she has decided that she wants to share her story. She has been working diligently on her blog and has now written quite a few posts. Flower That Blooms I love that she is sharing what her life was like. She is helping others see what being an orphan truly means. She hopes she will be able to help other orphans who may be afraid to come to America. She prays that more children will be adopted.
While she writes hoping she is helping others, she is healing. I see a glimpse of belief in her eyes that her life has meaning. She understands that all things may not be good but all things can work together for good. She may not understand the whys. The truth is none of us will on this side but she sees a purpose and wants to live her life for that purpose.
Last Tuesday Jasmine had a spinal fusion done on her back. This procedure will make it so she can sit up straight because the truth is as Jasmine’s muscles deteriorate, her spine can no longer be held up, which in turn affects her breathing and eating.
Here are here before and after x-rays.
During the surgery they took a couple muscle biopsies so we can get an accurate diagnosis for her. We know she has a neuromuscular disorder, presumably muscular dystrophy, but this will give us a correct diagnosis or at least that is the plan.
Jasmine’s life has not been easy. She says she can remember being clumsy at about the age of two, she was unable to walk very well by the time she was four, which made her father very angry, this was when she went to live with her grandmother. When she was almost eight years old, her grandmother, after deciding Jasmine was too heavy to move, took Jasmine to the orphanage and dropped her off, vowing to one day return. Her grandmother visited a couple times and then stopped showing up. Jasmine has been through more than any of us should ever have to go through and all of this with a body that slowly fails her.
This is what I want to talk about today, what a day in the life of Jasmine is like. I realized after messaging a few people during our stay here in the hospital, that not many really understand what Jasmine has or what a day in her life looks like.
For Jasmine every single thing is an effort. She is unable to sit up on her own. When she wakes up in the morning, she must lie there until someone comes to sit her up. Her body has been in one position for a long time and she is often in pain.
It takes two of us to move her. We have to help her to the toilet. She needs us to move her to the shower. I have to wash her hair because she can not lift her arms high enough to reach her hair. Put your elbows into your side, hold them tight there, add ten pound weights to your forearms, and then try to move your hands around. That is as much movement as she has. Something as simple as itching your ear requires her holding her arm up by the elbow with her other hand.
To move her legs, she tries hard to lift them by pulling on her pant leg. She is unable to move them very far. It can take her ten minutes to move her foot a mere inch. It frustrates her so.
She is unable to dress herself. She can not do something as simple as putting on a sock. I sometimes forget as I’m placing her arms in her sleeves and let go. Her arms falls heavily to her side.
We place her in her wheelchair where she insists on buckling her buckle herself. She can not reach down to pick up the buckles. You have to place them in her lap and then she takes minutes to try and put them together. Just lining up the two sides takes great effort and pushing them together takes great force that she just doesn’t have.
Then its time to brush her teeth. She leans forward and picks up her toothbrush. She has to lean forward, place one elbow on the armrest of her wheelchair, and hold up her other arm to get it high enough to brush her teeth.
She loves her power wheelchair and the freedom it gives her to move where she wants. She heads out of her bathroom and comes to the bedroom door. If this door is shut, she can not open it. Even if she could turn the knob, she does not have enough strength to pull the door towards her as she slowly moves her chair backwards. We have tried the pull down handles and even those take too much effort. She can easily be trapped inside her own room. If she does get stuck and tries to call for help, finding enough air in her lungs to make the sound necessary to be heard across the house is impossible.
She wants to get her school books herself. It will take her a good 15-30 minutes to pull the books out of the cubby, drop them one and a time onto the foot pedals on her wheelchair, all while she is leaning as far forward as she can, and then comes the hard part – getting the books on the table. She does it all in reverse. She slowly takes one book at a time from her foot pedals and struggles to get it on the table. It would be so easy for me to walk over and get her books. It would take mere seconds to throw them on the table. Every day I watch her struggle. I watch her refuse to give up her independence. She wants to do it for herself and I have to let her do what she can while she can.
Oh the things we take for granted. Bending over and picking up a pencil off the floor is so easy for us. For Jasmine it means taking her chair to go get her claw that she uses to pick up stuff off the floor, she leans forward and slowly lines it up. It takes both hands to squeeze the handle and pick up her pencil. She then sits the pencil on her foot pedal of her wheelchair. She leans as far forward as she can and picks it up, and then has to slowly pull herself back up. She can still get herself up if she has something to push against with her arms. If she falls backwards in her chair, she can not get back up. She just doesn’t have the strength to pull herself up.
She wants so badly to have chores and do what the other children are doing. It is hard to assign chores to someone that does not even have the strength to pull a plate out of a dishwasher. We have had to get creative with our chore list. Her main chore consists of picking the things up off the floor in the living room. She takes her claw and picks up the items she can reach on the floor. This is a never ending job with toddlers but she never complains.
The other chore Jasmine helps with is feeding Lainey. Lainey is unable to feed herself. She eats every three hours starting at 6 a.m. Jasmine gets as close as she can to the high chair, leans forward, and puts her elbows on the tray. Lainey has learned to lean forward and eat off the spoon. Jasmine loves little kids and is so good with Lainey. It’s very sweet to watch her care for Lainey. It must have been so hard for her to sit at the orphanage and not be able to care for the other children. Although, we do know she liked to read to the other children. She really is a great big sister and has such a compassionate heart.
Her fun for the day is going out into the backyard and going around the 900 foot cement path we put in. She drives around and around at the highest speed she can safely go. I asked her why she likes to just go in circles and she told me that for years she had to sit in the corner at the orphanage. She couldn’t move herself. She just sat there. She wasn’t allowed to go to school. She was told she was worthless and lazy. The freedom of going anywhere, even if it is just a circle of cement in our backyard, is a blessing. One of her favorite things to do is have us buckle in Evie with her on the chair. She loves to give Evie rides on her chair.
Jasmine spends all day in her wheelchair. She is no longer able to be moved to the couch because she falls over. There isn’t enough support in the cushions. At the end of the day, we do it in reverse. She brushes her teeth, we place her on the toilet, and we carry her to bed. She slowly lowers herself to the bed. I can not even watch this. It scares me so. She more or less lets herself drop to the side and slowly and painfully tries to squirm her way into a position where she can breath on her side. I ask her over and over again to just let me help her but she wants to continue to do what she can.
Can you imagine what that feels like as a person? You don’t have a choice without help you can’t go to the bathroom, you can’t get into bed, you can not get out of your wheelchair. If she tried to move out of her chair, she would fall on her face. She can sit unassisted if you get her positioned just perfectly. It’s like a baby who is just learning to sit. If you adjust them just right, they can hold themselves up, but one little bump knocks them over. But unlike a baby, Jasmine can not roll over and move herself.
I think about her alone in China. She was at their mercy and she has shared some horrible stories. Stories of being taken to the doctor who told them that she should be able to walk so they left her food just out of reach. They informed her that when she was hungry enough she would quit being lazy and get up and walk to her food. She went all day without food and finally tried to move forward. She fell out of her chair and they told her to get up. She says she slept on the floor. This went on for quite a while.
She has told us that when she would have an accident, because there was no one to take her to the bathroom, they would allow the little and big children to hit and kick her as punishment.
Whenever you think that it’s okay for these children to be in an orphanage, please think about what Jasmine has shared. Whenever you think that you just can’t adopt a special needs child because it would complicate your life too much, think about what your not adopting them means for their little lives. We have been told that Jasmine would have gone to an institution where it was survival of the fittest. I asked specifically about this because I didn’t want to not be telling the truth. Jasmine was two weeks away from this truth. The nannies told her what her future held. They let her know that she would be hit, there would be no one to feed her and that she would probably be left in a corner. And yet Jasmine is joyful.
I spend my days caring for others. I spend pretty much every waking moment doing something for someone else. I can do this without feeling sorry for myself. I can do this and still feel joyful every day because I have learned to take my eyes off myself. If I start thinking I could be getting a pedicure right now….I think about where Jasmine would be. If I start thinking a vacation would be nice, I picture how sad Lainey was and where she is now. If I dream about having a house that stays clean, I remember where Ben, Eli and Evie, who were considered inoperable and terminal in China, would be now. Jasmine’s life has brought me greater perspective.
Jasmine’s biggest fear heading into this surgery wasn’t the surgery itself. Jasmine’s biggest fear was that she would wake up and we wouldn’t be there. Jasmine’s biggest fear was that we would decide we no longer want her. Why does she have these fears? Because it has happened to her before. She has been through hospital stays by herself. She has been abandoned and left alone. She has been told that she is unworthy of love and a family.
I often wonder how such a sweet soul survived in an orphanage for so long. How did she go through years of hearing how worthless she was and keep her joy? How did she endure more than any child should have to and still keep her beautiful smile?
I am sharing these truths about Jasmine because I want you to understand just what she goes through every day and what it truly means for her to choose joy. Every day she chooses to be joyful. Every day she refuses to give up. Every day she does all that she can to the best of her abilities. Every single day without fail.
So if Jasmine has touched your life in any way, please remember the lessons her life has taught us:
1.) Don’t be afraid to do the hard things, sometimes they are the biggest blessings.
2.) You can choose to be joyful.
3.) Adoption isn’t about you.
4.) God has a plan for you no matter how much or how little you can do.
5.) If you are still alive, God’s plan is in place and He still has a use for you.’
Jasmine endured her hospital stay with great grace. She was polite and kind to others. Her life is a beautiful testimony! Please continue to keep her in your prayers as she has six weeks of lying back at a 60 degree angle in her wheelchair and six months of not being able to be moved with any ease.
- Chinese Children Adoption International
- Hats for Gracie
- Love Without Boundaries
- New Hope Foundation China
- Show Hope
- China 2013
- China 2014
- China 2016
- Congenital Heart Defect
- Evangeline Faith
- Family Life
- Food for Thought Friday
- Jasmine (Shuang Shuang)
- Jasmine's Dream
- Lainey Rae
- Love Without Boundaries
- Making a difference
- Muscular Dystrophy
- Orphan Care
- Thoughts to ponder