Benjamin

Archive for the ‘Benjamin’ Category

Every day is a choice.

Date: 2012.06.22 | Category: Adoption, Benjamin, Maisey

I’ve had an interesting few weeks. It’s hard to put into words, but I’ll try. Dan and I have both had in depth discussions about our children with others. It’s hard sometimes because even if you just start out saying we have 7 (never 8 unless you are standing in a line at a store and you can safely assume no one will ask you to list your children and their current ages) it usually leads to something more. A question gets asked and you explain, but that explanation leads into another child and more explanations are needed and it goes on and on and then people just stare at you. I try hard to keep it short, but that isn’t always easy.

Dan and I don’t see our family as unusual but others do. I don’t walk around all day considering their medical issues. I play with them and teach them and love up on them just as much as I can. But the reality is….

Kyle is gone and my arms will remain empty.

Codey has had so many shunt surgeries that they couldn’t place the drainage tube in his abdomen anymore.

Hope’s ventricle is still gone and she has a major scar down the middle of her chest.

Gracie’s lupus is not behaving as well as it should be and she’s not very happy about not being able to do the usual summer activities – like play outdoors for hours on end.

Benjamin has very few, if any options.

Maisey will always have a hard time hearing and will have to deal with issues from her small chin and misshapen ears.

Every day I have the choice to wake up and see the condition or the child. I choose to see the child. I choose to hear the laughter. I choose to be happy. Some days are definitely easier than others, but I always have a choice. Every day I have the choice to turn it over to God and let Him handle it. I was once told that it was interesting to see the interactions in our house because they knew of all our children’s medical conditions but that we didn’t act like our house was full of sick kids. That was a nice comment.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

The issue I am having now is telling others our story. Last month I bought Benjamin a train at a garage sale. The lady was talking about how everyone looked at the $30 price tag and wouldn’t pay it. She was unwilling to come down on the price because there was over $200 worth of train there. She said she was glad that someone was buying it who understood how much it was worth. She was so upset about having to sell this train set. I almost told her that it was going to a little boy who has been in an orphanage for over 3 years and who was very sick. I stopped though because I hate saying things because I worry that others will think I’m looking for praise. After I got home and was thinking about it, I realized she probably would have felt better hearing who it was going to. Plus, by not telling their story, others who might be encouraged to adopt or to pray for or to support an orphan, don’t get to hear the best part – how absolutely wonderful it has been to adopt. I try hard to make the conversations about how God has worked in our lives. God placed these children on our hearts. God brought them to us. I choose to praise this God for all that He has done.

Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name … 1 Chronicles 29:13

Every day with these guys is a wonderful gift. Imagine Christmas every single morning. I just put a brand new sheet on Ben’s crib mattress and he rolled around on it like it was the best thing he had ever seen – laughing and rubbing his hands all over it. He loves everything – bubbles, trains, chicken nuggets – you name it he loves it. He is so thankful every time he gets something. He dances around and sings. It really is the sweetest thing. He runs up to you and says thank you over and over again and hugs you so tight. I am so blessed by being able to love these two (and my other 6). It is such a sweet gift.

Every day you have the choice. What will you choose today?

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
3 months and I couldn’t be happier

Date: 2012.06.12 | Category: Benjamin

On the 3 month anniversary of our adoption, I wanted to share a heartwarming story. I took the garbage out tonight and when I came back in Benjamin ran up to me and hugged my leg tight and said, “My Mama! My Mama!” and then proceeded to fold his hands in prayer. He said, “Mamen Mama.” I said, “You want to pray Benjamin?” and he said, “Mamen my Mama.” So I said, “You want to say Amen for your mama?” to which he replied, “Yes, Mamen Mama.” I then said a prayer that went like this, “Thank you Lord for my mama. Amen.” and Benjamin yelled as loud as he could. “Yes. Mamen!” I am so blessed to be loved by this little guy.

I often thought what would be enough time to have with Benjamin. I know a weird question but one I had to ask myself. During the adoption process I would think about it. I wasn’t worried. I was just contemplating. Would I be bitter if it was God’s plan for Benjamin to die before we got him here to America. Would I trust that it was right no matter what? I know after only having 5 days with Kyle that I didn’t feel like it was enough. Maybe because I was so sick and really didn’t get to spend the time I wanted to in the NICU. Maybe it was because babies aren’t supposed to die and no amount of time would make it okay. I’m not really sure. But I wondered what I would feel with Benjamin. I can honestly say that I will be okay no matter what God has planned. I only had to love this little boy for a couple of days to know that going through with the adoption was the right thing. He feels as if he has been my son forever. God’s plan is perfect. God’s timing is perfect. I love Benjamin so much. I can’t imagine not having him here with me, but I can’t imagine a life where I would have never met him. He is such a special little boy. My heart will break. My heart will hurt until we are together again, but I am so happy that we took the chance. I am so blessed!
Sharing cuteness today…

Date: 2012.06.06 | Category: Adoption, Benjamin, Maisey

We usually say prayers as a group with the little ones and Grace, but last night I had Ben just say his prayer by himself. He folded his little hands and at the end he said “Amen”. He then looked at me and said, “Mama, Mei Mei Amen.” He had to make sure Maisey was included. Maisey yells and throws her hands in the air at the end. She’s pretty emphatic about her amens. 🙂

Today I was sitting copying Facebook posts about Ben to his journal. I was listening to Casting Crowns So Far To Find You and Maisey climbed up into my lap. A second or two later Ben climbs up in my lap and grabs Maisey’s hand and my hand and lays his head on my shoulder and says, “love you mama”. I’m a sap. I cried. I feel like those are the moments that God gives us as a gift for trusting Him. I don’t know any other way to describe just how much they touch this mama’s heart.
Benjamin – Part 2

Date: 2012.06.05 | Category: Benjamin

I have been told by a couple people that my post yesterday about Benjamin was sad or depressing. That was not my intent at all. I want you to understand that I feel blessed to be this little boys mother. I am blessed everyday when I wake up to his giggles. I knew the instant I saw this little boys face that he was my son. I have never been so sure of anything in my whole life. He is all sweetness and love. Every moment with him is wonderful. His laugh is contagious. It is the funniest laugh. I wish I could describe it accurately. It has sort of a Woody Woodpecker start to it and then it is this deep, from the depths of his soul laugh. It is seriously the best sound EVER! He constantly makes goofy faces. He scrunches up his face, squints his eyes tight, laughs out loud, and your heart melts. On top of all that he is a protector and comforter. He protects Maisey. He worries about her and he takes care of her. It would be understandable if they knew each other in the orphanage, but they were in different orphanages. He makes sure she has a drink, or food, or a toy. He picks her up and hugs her when she falls. He is the best big brother. He takes care of his Mei Mei (little sister in Chinese) and it is a beautiful thing to watch. All of this from a 3 year old.

Yes, it is sad that his is so sick. Yes, it is unbelievably sad to think that this is an easily fixable heart defect if done within the first couple weeks of life. I think about his biological mother all the time. I have heard that father’s will drop sick children off at the orphanage because they think it is a curse to have a child die or be ill. I’m really not sure how having the child die in an orphanage breaks the curse, but that is their belief. I wonder if she woke up one day and he was just gone or was she was part of his abandonment? Did she try and knew she couldn’t care for him? It probably took a while for him to start looking blue. Did she love him and abandon him in the hopes that he would get care? In China you have to have cash up front for health care. Most people can not afford to do that. Why at 9 months of age did she leave him in a park of all places? I was told it was because it was a visibly open place and he would be found quickly. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her to wonder what has happened to her boy. I pray for her peace every day. I pray that God will comfort her. I can not even imagine what it would take to abandon your child at 9 months of age. I’ve only had him 2 months and I know I couldn’t do it.

I am sad sometimes that it took us a year with paperwork to get him over here. I don’t know God’s plan, but I know God’s timing is perfect so I am not bitter or angry at the time lost. I can not see the tapestry of Ben’s life. I often wonder did Benjamin help some other child there? Did he impact another adults life? Was it meant to show me patience, trust, faith in God’s plan? Benjamin’s life has purpose. He may not make it to adulthood, but his life definitely has purpose. I will continue to say “may” until the day he is taken from me. There is always hope. There are always miracles. God is in control. I am not and have never been in control. For that reason, I will wake up each day and enjoy every single moment I’m graciously allowed to spend with him.

I will admit to being disappointed that the fix they hoped they could do isn’t possible. Benjamin’s defect is complicated and hard to explain, but it includes large ventricular septal defect, atrial septal defect, transposition of the great arteries all of which were untreated. After his echo, they believe he has a coarctation – narrowing of his aorta. He is in congestive heart failure and has pulmonary hypertension. It may be possible to do a heart/lung transplant, but we won’t know until he has a heart catherization. He won’t be able to have his heart cath until his platelets are over 100,000. We’ve been as low as 28,000 and as high as 92,000. We did not know that he had ITP at the time of his adoption so we don’t know if he has a chronic form or a transient form. So if you are praying for our boy, that is the specific prayer needed – platelets over 100,000 so we can do the heart cath and see what our options are.

I want to reiterate that I am blessed. As I have said before…..seriously blessed! I do not sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I am blessed that I choose to put fear aside and love this little boy. I have faith that God’s plan is perfect and that He IS in control even though this world is a sad place and doesn’t always make sense. Benjamin is a blessing. What I wanted everyone to take from my post was that if God places something on your heart – DON”T be afraid, take that leap, the most wonderful things can be on the other side. Don’t be afraid of losing someone. Be afraid of not having the chance to love them. Don’t be angry and bitter. Don’t lose one precious moment that you could spend loving them. Remember to love those around you and tell them every day. Don’t assume you have forever. Don’t assume that they just know. Show them and tell them all throughout the day.

I mean seriously….how could you not love this face?
Benjamin

Date: 2012.06.04 | Category: Adoption, Benjamin

I thought I would share some about the adoption, not to brag, but to let others know just how great it can be. I have had so many people comment on how amazed they are that the little ones have bonded with the whole family already, even Codey. It has been a little over 2 months since we’ve been home. Ben coughs for Codey (those who know Codey will understand this). He runs to the kids when they get home. I can’t explain what it feels like to have them look at you with such love. Ben woke up from a nightmare last night and I said, “Ben I’m here.” He laughed out loud, grabbed my face and stroked it, said “I love you mama” and went right back to sleep. A little over 2 months ago he had night terrors that you couldn’t reach him through and now this. I cried tears of joy. It has been so unbelievably wonderful. It has also shown me just how much we take for granted with our kids. The fact that they trust us and love us so unconditionally is amazing. I didn’t fully get it with Hope maybe because she was a baby when we adopted her. Don’t take things for granted – those little arms around your neck and those sweet, sloppy kisses are an amazing thing.

I also have to share just what kind of boy Benjamin is. Dan and I had to have serious discussions about the ramifications of bringing a child into our family that has such a severe, untreatable heart defect. His oxygen saturations in the 60 percent range. We know his time is limited and that is a lot to ask of your other children, but they were all on board with eager, open hearts. Benjamin is such a sweet soul. Everyone comments on how sweet he is. I am blessed with each and every day that I get to spend with him. It is so hard to explain. Today we went to the doctor to get his cbc to check his platelets. He saw a train sticker and wanted to get it for Garner and then he saw a Dora sticker. He asked the nurse “Please for Mei Mei?” and then he gave the sticker to Maisey. The nurse asked if he is always like this and I emphatically said yes. The thought of him being in an orphanage for as long as he was breaks my heart and yet he is seemingly untouched by the cold harsh realities of that time. The fact that his biological parents abandoned him at 9 months and are now missing out on such a sweet, sweet boy makes me sad. The fact that his days will be shortened breaks my heart if I dwell on it. It just makes each and every day we do have a little bit sweeter. Don’t let fear stop you from taking a big leap of faith – what lies on the other side just might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
People…

Date: 2012.05.14 | Category: Adoption, Benjamin, Maisey

So if you read my previous post, please disregard. It was a hoax. People have been posting on this Warrior Eli Facebook page for years and it was all a hoax. What could you possibly get out of that? This world and the people in it are so confusing sometimes. On that note, we will go to something much dearer to my heart.

It has been 2 months since we have gotten our little people. Life is definitely busier and everyone is figuring out there place in the family, with much more ease than I thought possible. Cassie has stepped up to help out where ever she can. Her oatmeal at night routine is nice (except when Maisey decides to use it as a exfoliant). Zach is definitely the wonderful big brother as can be found by the pink car he bought Maisey. Hope & Grace are the best big sisters. Right at this moment, Gracie is teaching Maisey how to properly bundle her Maisey doll and feed her a bottle. It’s pretty darn cute.

In two months, Benjamin & Maisey have found their place. They are happy-go-lucky little kids. They laugh all the time. They are exploring everything. I love how God brought us children so like our other children. Benjamin is quiet and curious and loves to build and play video games – just like Zachary. Maisey is all compassion and loving up on her babies and reading – just like her sisters. It’s very sweet watching them all play. They don’t hoard food. Benjamin does cry when we pass a KFC (so like his daddy). He loves KFC. Really any type of chicken. We have pretty much given him any kind of chicken he wants each and every day to help him grow. It’s like Hopey all over again. We had to add cream and butter to everything she ate to try and help her grow. Maisey is a different story she will try anything and everything. If she doesn’t like it, she will wait until you aren’t looking and throw it to the dogs, but she will at least try it.

Maisey wakes up laughing and giggling, ready to take on the day. I love that she will probably not remember any of the orphanage. I pray that she won’t. I’m afraid it won’t be that easy with Benjamin. He still has moments of post-traumatic stress like behavior. Sometimes something little will trigger him and his eyes just glaze over and he sobs. It doesn’t happen very often, but it breaks my heart every time it does happen. Once he wet through his diaper and it went through his little jeans, he hid from me in the corner and just hung his little head. We had to tell him over and over again that it was okay. That accidents happen. It happened when he spilled his drink too. He was so afraid. I’m not sure how much trouble he got in the orphanage, but I don’t think accidents were handled with grace that’s for sure.

It seems like they have been here forever. People ask me if I worry that they are delayed. Worldly things and goals aren’t really all that important. You help your child find their purpose in life and lead them the best you can. The best thing you can do is give them a good foundation in doctrine so that when life gets tough they turn to the Lord. In reality, what I want most is to lead them to Christ and build their faith. Then I want them to figure out their purpose, why God has them here, and help them achieve that purpose. The rest is just icing. They will learn their multiplication tables. They will figure out the states and capitals. If it takes them a little longer than others, it doesn’t matter. That is why I love homeschooling. No one judges them on other people’s standards. They are allowed to grow in their own time.

Mother’s Day was wonderful and relaxing. Cassie watched little ones all day. People treated me to all my favorites. Dan got extra bonus points for the best Mother’s Day presents ever….two little ones. Wonder what next year will bring?
Good news and bad news….

Date: 2012.04.05 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey

Would you like the good news or the bad news first? We’ll go with the good…
The good news — Maisey really truly seems to hear. I can’t wait until her appointment on the 12th. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, but more and more people, including the doctors we saw today, agree that it is a strong possibility that she is able to hear out of her right ear. Today she took my phone because the music was playing and put it up to her right ear. It paused and she stopped and handed it to me and signed please.
The bad news — Benjamin has a temp of 104+, his platelets are 28,000 and we now have an appointment with hematology in Iowa City on Monday. Poor little guy. Hopefully, we will still be able to do the cath on the 18th. Prayers are appreciated.

Benjamin and Maisey are truly the sweetest kids. I can’t believe how much they love and trust us all ready. I get how much I love them. I’ve had a year to dream about them and to fall in love. Benjamin and Maisey have both had numerous blood draws and they are really angry while it’s happening, but as soon as it’s done they let me comfort them and they hug me so tight. It’s only been 2 weeks since we’ve been home. It hasn’t even been a whole month since we met and yet it seems like they have been mine forever. I truly don’t understand why I’ve been blessed but what a gift these two are.

Maisey is so funny. She is just this petite little ball of fire. She makes about 100 different faces. My favorite is when she tilts her head and puts a palm on each cheek and just grins this huge grin at you. She knows she’s adorable. I remember when we talked about adopting her and how it would be to have people comment on her facial defects. I was worried about how to handle it and what I would say. But none of that has happened, everyone keeps talking about how cute and sweet she is. Don’t worry about what might happen because many times it never comes to be. You’d think I’d learn. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Benjamin is sweet, kind, generous, and so loving. He tried to help unload the dishwasher today. What 3 1/2 year old tries to help like that? He loves to sit on my lap and just rock. He asks “What is it?” all the time and just takes it all in. He is learning so much each and every day. I took him outside to walk around our path because he was so hot and it was cool outside. We pointed at the moon and the stars. He leans in and kisses my cheek and hugs me so tight. No matter what happens in the months or years ahead, everything will have been worth it, just to have these moments with him. He is just so happy and his giggle melts my heart. It is the sweetest sound! There will be no worrying about tomorrow today. 🙂
Maisey hearing.

Date: 2012.04.03 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey

I have a couple of drafts saved that I have been working on that talk about our trip and adoption, but I don’t seem to have a ton of time to just spend on the computer these days. First off, trying to keep everyone happy and fed is a major feat some days. Secondly, Benjamin has been pretty sick and we’ve had numerous doctors visits and lab draws. It turns out his blood work isn’t great and we had to postpone his heart cath until April 18th. His platelets were only 40,000. He bruises very easily and has had many bloody noses. We are trying to get all the blood work done, but they are trying to not make him anemic while doing said blood draws. They think it may be ITP – don’t ask me what it means. I’d just have to Google and copy and paste for you. So we’ll keep it simple and let you Google it. 🙂 It just makes things a smidge more complicated as we try to figure out what to do to make him feel better and to get his sats up.

Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for my husband? He has researched everything possible trying to figure out what it could be with Benjamin. He has consulted specialists, spent tons of time on the phone trying to get it figured out. He has reviewed AAP guidelines for international adoptions and what labs need to be done. It just makes me sad for other families who are just left hanging. It has made me think a lot about how this can be fixed. It’s just plain frustrating.

On a slightly disgusting note, (this will be a TMI for most) I had to do stool samples for the kids. It was a first for me and not something I care to do anytime again. Praises to all the nurses who have to mess with everyone’s bodily fluids way too often in their line of work. No one gives you enough credit I’m sure. My hat is off to you for all that you do to care for your patients.

But on to what this post is supposed to be about, Maisey hearing. Her actual appointment to get her hearing checked is April 12th. I do hope we get good news at this appointment. We truly do think she can hear some things. She responds differently than what we have been told a deaf baby will do. She says sounds that they usually don’t make and she isn’t monotone. I’m going to attach a video of her with Dan and the guitar. It was wonderful. Not sure if she was truly hearing it, but it seemed like it. It was a good, good day.

Thanks again for all your prayers for our family and our two new ones. They are truly, truly a blessing. I cannot believe how well they have fit in with our family and how much they love the other kids already. I am truly blessed and grateful every day for the blessing of them in my life.
3:15 a.m. ponderings

Date: 2012.03.29 | Category: Benjamin

I woke up wide awake at 3:15. I would have sworn that it was 6:15. I felt that good. I’m sure when it is really 6:15 and I need to get ready to go workout, I may not be feeling quite as chipper. Plus, I’m not looking forward to lifting for my lower body. My arms still hurt from Tuesday. I obviously should have taken a set of bands with me to China. 3 weeks off is too long! 🙂

This morning in bed, I laid there for a while and listened to my children breathe. I slept with the crew last night because Gracie needed held because she felt nauseous after her chemo and Ben needed the other arm after his big day or he wouldn’t go to sleep. Maisey who does not want to be cuddled (because then she might actually close her eyes and she’s fighting it with all that she has) has scooted herself over on top of my head on the pillow. Hopey is at my feet and her dog scratched at the door until I let him in to sleep beside us both. All of this should NOT have led to a good nights rest, but it did. So I find myself awake this morning thinking about Benjamin and what led me to him.

I’ve written about it before so I won’t go into great length about it, but I will say everything about adopting him was a HUGE leap of faith. Dan and I both trusted with all our hearts that this was a God thing. We knew going in that his defect was unfixable. It didn’t make sense how attached we were to him. How we wanted to proceed even though we knew he might not live long enough for us to get him. We knew all of this, but I had hope from our earlier talks with Dr. D. I cried, when at Hopey’s appointment months earlier, we discussed Benjamin and Dr. D said that he could maybe extend his life for 10 more years. What a blessing 10 years would be. I cried again yesterday when they said that specific surgery was no longer a possibility. It’s hard to listen to the doctors say well there’s another procedure that maybe could be done, but only a couple of places do it, you could ask around after we have more information from the cath. Dr. D said that the procedure can lead to arrhythmias in their early 20’s but you wouldn’t have to worry about that because his life expectancy will not be into his 20’s. I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear that after all he’s been through there is a cure, that there is a fix. I know Benjamin doesn’t know any better. I know that if it’s before the age of accountability he will go to heaven and if he lives long enough, I will be able to lead him to Christ. Benjamin’s life after this one will be full of many, many blessings. But darn it, I’m his mama and I want to be able to fix it.

I’ve had to fight so many thoughts of worry, anger, bitterness during this past year. I had to confess my mental attitude sinning quite a few times yesterday. I’m angry that I lost a year with him waiting for stupid bureaucratic paperwork. I’m angry that there is a culture that doesn’t value his life. I’m worried that I won’t be enough. (Although that one is subsiding after yesterday. He let me comfort him at every point. He believed me when I said, “No owies!”. He let them do the tests.) I’m upset that his little life has so little value by the world’s standards. I know he has great value in God’s eyes, but the world has let him down. He was starving. He is malnourished and protein deficient. He is so little that you can see his heart beat between his ribs. He has been alone and fighting for so long. I’m filled with pain because I couldn’t do anything to protect him or comfort him.

I’m trusting God’s plan. I’m trusting in Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I know that doesn’t mean there will be a miracle, but I haven’t given up hope. I know that doesn’t mean everything will be cheery and work out well. Life can be very sad and unfair. I have sick kids. I’ve signed on to take care of children with special needs and still my healthy, sweet, baby got lupus. Life can seem very unfair, but the reality of it is why shouldn’t things happen to me? Am I somehow above the bad? Who would I wish it on? Who would I say deserves it more? No one. God choose me to mother these sick little kids and I will do it to the best of my abilities. Their lives touch so many more lives than mine ever will. I watch Gracie and see how she moves people. I’ve seen how good people are as they supported her. Gracie has a faith and trust in God that is amazing! People still talk about Codey. People still comment about Hope and her story. I can’t see the big picture. I wish I could with Benjamin. I wish I could see why he went through what he went through. I know in my heart that there is a bigger purpose. I know with all of my being that God brought him to me for a reason. So at 4:15 I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, hoping that I can let go of the negative emotions that sometimes just show up, and that I will be able to stay completely and utterly focused in the moment of being his mama. What a special, special boy he is. What a sweet and loving spirit he has. Dr. D said he couldn’t believe he was playing and alert. His blood work is off and just touching him causes petechiae. Ben is sick and yet he is so happy. He giggles and giggles and play so hard. He isn’t angry. He is just love. What a gift I have been given. What a blessing that I get to be in the moment with him, that I get the gift of being his mama, that I get the privilege of comforting him.

On another similar note, I don’t know what to do when people say I am amazing. It seems weird to even bring it up but I feel I have to. It makes me feel very uncomfortable because the truth of the matter is I don’t feel amazing. I don’t think it’s amazing to love your child. It’s like commending me for breathing. I know God commands us to love our children. He also commands us to care for the widows and the orphans. I have seriously been told James 1:27 by 7 different people this week, even my Purpose Driven Life devotion had it. I’ve had this verse typed in the center of the pictures of my World Vision children for years. I understand what God expects of me, but that is not why I adopted Benjamin. I adopted Benjamin because he is my son. I don’t believe I’m amazing, but I do believe that God is amazing. In a computer full of little faces that all need love God brought me to my son. I knew he was my son with just a glance and the most wonderful thing is that Benjamin trusts that I am his mother! God is AMAZING! So my hope through all of this is that people will not look at me because the truth is that I am just an imperfect human*, but instead look to a God that is unbelievably amazing. God did not cause Benjamin’s pain – a world full of humans with free will caused his pain. Bad things happen. Could God fix them all? Yes. Could God make this a perfect world? I’m pretty sure it started out that way, and we took things for granted and messed it up. God deserves praise for working things together for good for Benjamin.

*My devotional prayer this morning says it all:
Dear God, Thank you for a new day. I know that everything I am and everything I have is a result of what you have allowed in my life. Sometimes life is very hard; other times it is full of happiness. I know you are always there and your blessing is available…if only I will listen and obey. Please help me to recognize the gifts you send and the doors you open each and every day. Give me wisdom to see and do your will. Thank you for the spiritual gifts you have given, also. I pray that you will use those gifts to work in and through me to minister to the world and draw people to you. In Jesus’ name I pray and give you praise. Amen. (by Os Hillman)

So even though I am sometimes sad at the unfairness of Benjamin’s life, you will not see me angry or frustrated at God. You will instead see me praise a God that is good. A God that has led me to my son and who has loved my son for all time with a love that I can not even fathom. He knows the number of hairs on Ben’s head and He holds Benji’s future in His perfect, all knowing hands. I trust that. I pray that Ben’s life will be happy and that I will be able to truly live in the moment with him. What a gift it is to be his mama.
So it’s official, I’m a lucky, lucky mama…

Date: 2012.03.26 | Category: Adoption, Benjamin, Maisey

I get to wake up to these two sweet faces every day. I’m amazed that all the things I worried about never came to be. Yes, I said I learned my lesson, but obviously I had not. As a mama who loves her children and their cuddles, it was hard to think that Benji and Maisey may need time to warm up to me. But that worry never came to be, the kids both came to us that first day and have been attached ever since. Benjamin said “Dada” just two days in and while we were still in China he told me, “Wo ai ni Mama!” My heart just melted. Last night he looked at me at said “My mama” over and over again. He giggled and giggled. I love that. I love that they adore all their siblings already. How is that even possible? It’s like they have always been a part of this family. I was truly amazed at how all the children in our group were so attached to their parents and how quickly it happened. They obviously wanted to be loved, but it was so much more. Maybe God does what Dan had prayed for and He gives them a glimpse of who their parents will be. Dan prayed over and over again for Benjamin and Maisey to dream about us.

Benjamin and Maisey have played really well together. They both patiently wait for me to feed them. Benjamin shares his toys with her and there hasn’t been any hitting. I look at how bright Benjamin is and I wonder how they couldn’t see it. There was nothing said about that in any of the papers we received. He has said 50 or more English words already. He points to things and says “What is it?” and repeats whatever we say. The best news about Maisey is we truly think she can hear a little bit. Dan put the headphones on her right behind her ear and turned it up. She danced around and when he turned off the music she got upset. It was a repeatable thing. What a blessing that would be to be able to give her hearing. Benjamin is pretty sick. Our cardiologist wanted to do the heart catherization right away, but Dan and he agreed that Benjamin probably isn’t healthy enough to just do it. We have an echo, chest x-ray, and EKG on Wednesday. The cardiologist agreed to work him in on Wednesday when we are over in Iowa City getting Grace’s chemo done. It is nice having connections, but I think it should work that way for all parents.

I can not believe how blessed I am to be able to be a mother to these two sweet little kids. They have wonderful spirits and they laugh all the time. They melt my heart over and over again. What a gift God has blessed me with. I don’t deserve it, but I’m grateful beyond measure!