• 3:15 a.m. ponderings

    Date: 2012.03.29 | Category: Benjamin | Tags:

    I woke up wide awake at 3:15. I would have sworn that it was 6:15. I felt that good. I’m sure when it is really 6:15 and I need to get ready to go workout, I may not be feeling quite as chipper. Plus, I’m not looking forward to lifting for my lower body. My arms still hurt from Tuesday. I obviously should have taken a set of bands with me to China. 3 weeks off is too long! 🙂

    This morning in bed, I laid there for a while and listened to my children breathe. I slept with the crew last night because Gracie needed held because she felt nauseous after her chemo and Ben needed the other arm after his big day or he wouldn’t go to sleep. Maisey who does not want to be cuddled (because then she might actually close her eyes and she’s fighting it with all that she has) has scooted herself over on top of my head on the pillow. Hopey is at my feet and her dog scratched at the door until I let him in to sleep beside us both. All of this should NOT have led to a good nights rest, but it did. So I find myself awake this morning thinking about Benjamin and what led me to him.

    I’ve written about it before so I won’t go into great length about it, but I will say everything about adopting him was a HUGE leap of faith. Dan and I both trusted with all our hearts that this was a God thing. We knew going in that his defect was unfixable. It didn’t make sense how attached we were to him. How we wanted to proceed even though we knew he might not live long enough for us to get him. We knew all of this, but I had hope from our earlier talks with Dr. D. I cried, when at Hopey’s appointment months earlier, we discussed Benjamin and Dr. D said that he could maybe extend his life for 10 more years. What a blessing 10 years would be. I cried again yesterday when they said that specific surgery was no longer a possibility. It’s hard to listen to the doctors say well there’s another procedure that maybe could be done, but only a couple of places do it, you could ask around after we have more information from the cath. Dr. D said that the procedure can lead to arrhythmias in their early 20’s but you wouldn’t have to worry about that because his life expectancy will not be into his 20’s. I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear that after all he’s been through there is a cure, that there is a fix. I know Benjamin doesn’t know any better. I know that if it’s before the age of accountability he will go to heaven and if he lives long enough, I will be able to lead him to Christ. Benjamin’s life after this one will be full of many, many blessings. But darn it, I’m his mama and I want to be able to fix it.

    I’ve had to fight so many thoughts of worry, anger, bitterness during this past year. I had to confess my mental attitude sinning quite a few times yesterday. I’m angry that I lost a year with him waiting for stupid bureaucratic paperwork. I’m angry that there is a culture that doesn’t value his life. I’m worried that I won’t be enough. (Although that one is subsiding after yesterday. He let me comfort him at every point. He believed me when I said, “No owies!”. He let them do the tests.) I’m upset that his little life has so little value by the world’s standards. I know he has great value in God’s eyes, but the world has let him down. He was starving. He is malnourished and protein deficient. He is so little that you can see his heart beat between his ribs. He has been alone and fighting for so long. I’m filled with pain because I couldn’t do anything to protect him or comfort him.

    I’m trusting God’s plan. I’m trusting in Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I know that doesn’t mean there will be a miracle, but I haven’t given up hope. I know that doesn’t mean everything will be cheery and work out well. Life can be very sad and unfair. I have sick kids. I’ve signed on to take care of children with special needs and still my healthy, sweet, baby got lupus. Life can seem very unfair, but the reality of it is why shouldn’t things happen to me? Am I somehow above the bad? Who would I wish it on? Who would I say deserves it more? No one. God choose me to mother these sick little kids and I will do it to the best of my abilities. Their lives touch so many more lives than mine ever will. I watch Gracie and see how she moves people. I’ve seen how good people are as they supported her. Gracie has a faith and trust in God that is amazing! People still talk about Codey. People still comment about Hope and her story. I can’t see the big picture. I wish I could with Benjamin. I wish I could see why he went through what he went through. I know in my heart that there is a bigger purpose. I know with all of my being that God brought him to me for a reason. So at 4:15 I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, hoping that I can let go of the negative emotions that sometimes just show up, and that I will be able to stay completely and utterly focused in the moment of being his mama. What a special, special boy he is. What a sweet and loving spirit he has. Dr. D said he couldn’t believe he was playing and alert. His blood work is off and just touching him causes petechiae. Ben is sick and yet he is so happy. He giggles and giggles and play so hard. He isn’t angry. He is just love. What a gift I have been given. What a blessing that I get to be in the moment with him, that I get the gift of being his mama, that I get the privilege of comforting him.

    On another similar note, I don’t know what to do when people say I am amazing. It seems weird to even bring it up but I feel I have to. It makes me feel very uncomfortable because the truth of the matter is I don’t feel amazing. I don’t think it’s amazing to love your child. It’s like commending me for breathing. I know God commands us to love our children. He also commands us to care for the widows and the orphans. I have seriously been told James 1:27 by 7 different people this week, even my Purpose Driven Life devotion had it. I’ve had this verse typed in the center of the pictures of my World Vision children for years. I understand what God expects of me, but that is not why I adopted Benjamin. I adopted Benjamin because he is my son. I don’t believe I’m amazing, but I do believe that God is amazing. In a computer full of little faces that all need love God brought me to my son. I knew he was my son with just a glance and the most wonderful thing is that Benjamin trusts that I am his mother! God is AMAZING! So my hope through all of this is that people will not look at me because the truth is that I am just an imperfect human*, but instead look to a God that is unbelievably amazing. God did not cause Benjamin’s pain – a world full of humans with free will caused his pain. Bad things happen. Could God fix them all? Yes. Could God make this a perfect world? I’m pretty sure it started out that way, and we took things for granted and messed it up. God deserves praise for working things together for good for Benjamin.

    *My devotional prayer this morning says it all:
    Dear God, Thank you for a new day. I know that everything I am and everything I have is a result of what you have allowed in my life. Sometimes life is very hard; other times it is full of happiness. I know you are always there and your blessing is available…if only I will listen and obey. Please help me to recognize the gifts you send and the doors you open each and every day. Give me wisdom to see and do your will. Thank you for the spiritual gifts you have given, also. I pray that you will use those gifts to work in and through me to minister to the world and draw people to you. In Jesus’ name I pray and give you praise. Amen. (by Os Hillman)

    So even though I am sometimes sad at the unfairness of Benjamin’s life, you will not see me angry or frustrated at God. You will instead see me praise a God that is good. A God that has led me to my son and who has loved my son for all time with a love that I can not even fathom. He knows the number of hairs on Ben’s head and He holds Benji’s future in His perfect, all knowing hands. I trust that. I pray that Ben’s life will be happy and that I will be able to truly live in the moment with him. What a gift it is to be his mama.