Prayer request

Date: 2012.04.29 | Category: Adoption | Response: 0

I’ve been thinking about and praying for all the people out there who are trying to decide about adoption.  There are many kids just waiting for a forever family.  I’ve been thinking about sharing this prayer, asking you to pray too, and thought it was just too vague.  But one of my devotionals this morning included this verse: You cannot keep yourself from talking about what you care about most. Jesus said, “A man’s heart determines his speech” (Matthew 12:34 LB).  Please pray for all those families trying to decide on a specific child and all those families trying to decide if it is the right thing for them. Pray for all those children out there (estimates range from 100 to 150 million children) just hoping & waiting for a forever family. Adoption is a wonderful thing. If God has placed this on your heart, please don’t dismiss it.  Trust in His plan and proceed.

One of the most awesome days ever…

Date: 2012.04.19 | Category: Maisey | Response: 0

This has truly been the most amazing day.  The ENT office called and after fighting with our insurance company, making a billion calls, and talking with the BAHA people, they decided to let us have a loaner.  We went in and they placed it on her head. The processor (hearing aid) clips onto this little pink headband ($160 headband).  We will leave my medical complaints until another day because today is too wonderful.  They turned it to the lowest setting and we said her name.  She proceeded to cry and laid her head on my shoulder and just sobbed.  BUT THEN Dan said, “I love you Maisey” and she figured out what was going on.  They slowly turned it up while we played with many noise making toys to see if anything upset her.  She did great.  Nothing really stressed her out.

When we walked out of the office, she heard a bunch of cars on the interstate.  The office is right by Interstate 235.  She just stopped and her little mouth dropped and she pointed at the cars.  She kept pointing and looking and me and pointing some more and smiling really big.  It was the best moment.  Truly the best.  Then she heard a bird and her head turned straight towards the sound and she laughed.

We celebrated with a stop at a local convenience store to grab her favorite powdered sugar donuts.  She placed one in each hand and celebrated with great gusto.  We went home and she played the guitar and was so happy.  We played music on the I-phone and she danced and sang.

Tonight when she took her bath we had to take off the headband.  She was so upset and she usually loves her bath.  She kept pointing at her headband and signing please.  She hasn’t touched her headband all day long.  It fell down to her neck once and she signed please to have it put back on.  I think it is official my girl likes to hear. This mommy is one unbelievably happy and blessed mommy.  What a wonderful thing to get to be a part of.  Praise God!

Adoption

Date: 2012.04.15 | Category: Adoption | Response: 0

Dan and I just read “House of Hope” about the foster home that Maisey was in while in China. The book actually mentions her because she was their 1000th baby treated. Maisey was taken out of her orphanage by this group because the orphanage couldn’t get her to eat and she was in the group of children who weren’t thriving.  Mrs. Hill who runs the Hope House Foundation took Maisey in.  Many of the children they take in die or are too sick to ever get on an adoption list but Maisey, with their help, put on weight and got well enough to put on the adoption list.

Plus, on top of that children with lethal/terminal conditions are not supposed to ever get placed on adoption lists, yet Benjamin did. It brings me to tears to think of him alone in an orphanage. I thank God daily that somehow He got Benjamin on that list. I can’t imagine Benji dying alone.  Both of these children are beyond sweet. They are kind and loving and so adorable. They laugh all the time and just enjoy life. I am so blessed to get to be their mama and feeling even more blessed after all that I have learned in the last few days. God is good and He watched out for my little ones. I know everyone keeps saying Benjamin & Maisey won the lottery, but truly it was me who won.

Everyone says “By the grace of God. I understand that and I get that, but what about all the kids that are left in the orphanages.  Does God not care about those children?  What if your child is sick?  What if you are the parent whose child isn’t saved? Did you just not pray hard enough. Does God just not care enough? How can you put together the thought of a loving God, an all knowing God and an imperfect world? I have 2 beautiful orphans who were saved. There are 10,000 orphans leaving China every year. But what about the other 800 orphanages in China alone?  Does God not see those orphans?  Does God not care? What about the child who is imperfect and no one sees their worth?  People talk about the chosen, the called, where does that leave the rest of us?  My head is just spinning with these questions and what I can do about it. Just so anyone reading this understands.  I am not questioning God’s sovereignty.  I understand His ways are not my ways.  I accept that His plan is perfect and I trust it with all my heart.  I know that man is evil and self-centered and that we have free will.  I just wish it wasn’t so.

I love what the Hills have done.  If you haven’t read any of it yet, look up www.hopefosterhome.com.  It is absolutely amazing.  The book “The House of Hope” was wonderful.   Mr. and Mrs. Hill talk about trusting God.  They say you just have to get in the river and trust that God will lead you were you need to go.  AMAZING!  They also talk about the starfish story.  Many have probably heard this one.  A gentleman is standing on the beach throwing starfish back in, one at a time.  Another gentlemen stands there looking at the beach covered in starfish and asks the other gentlemen why he is even trying because there is no way he can save them all.  The first gentlemen says, “I know, but it matters to this one” as he throws another starfish back into the water.  One orphan at a time.  I keep saying it over and over again in my head.

‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’   Matthew 25:40

I’ve heard it said that there is an orphan for every 10th Christian in the world. Why are we not opening our homes and our hearts? That last statistic I read says there are 125,000 children waiting to be adopted in the U.S. and there are 300,000 churches.  That’s not even 1 child per church.  I don’t know what to do with all these thoughts that I am having.  I know adoption isn’t for everyone, but there are so many other things we can do.  Now there are organizations that allow you to sponsor an orphan for only $30 a month.  Donate to someone who is trying to adopt.  There are so many ways to help.

My heart just breaks for these orphans here in the U.S. and around the world.  I have 3 children, who were abandoned, and they are the sweetest kids you could ever find.  I know not everyone can adopt, but if the thought has crossed your mind – don’t be fearful.  God provides.  God will find a way.  If the thought is placed on your heart, give it careful consideration.  Don’t automatically think “it’s too expensive” or “I just couldn’t do that”.  You’d be amazed at what you can do with God on your side.

Maisey’s a star….

Date: 2012.04.12 | Category: Maisey | Response: 0

Maisey update – Saw ENT today they are assuming she hears at 60 decibels. Normal talking is about 40 decibels. They are ordering her BAHA. PRAISE THE LORD!

On a sidenote: Maisey is in a book “The House of Hope” on page 216, they talk about their 1,000th baby helped and it was Maisey. They called her Chaya while she was there.

Dan and I have been praying about what group to help. I didn’t feel I could start my own foundation. I just don’t have enough time or truly feel that is the right thing to do. We both feel very pulled to help orphans.  Every since we decided to adopt Maisey, God has placed something on our hearts.  We just couldn’t pinpoint what it was.  It is interesting to me that the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through has placed me in the position I am in today. Living through Kyle’s death and fully trusting in the Lord’s plan for Kyle’s life allowed me to open my heart to a child/children with a shortened life span.  I realized this with Hope, when we decided to take a chance.  I felt it even more with Benjamin.  I knew he was my son and I would go through anything for him – just from seeing his picture.  Kyle’s death taught me many life changing lessons. Every day is a blessing.  Every moment is to be treasured.  Don’t take things for granted.  Don’t assume people know you love them.  Trust in the Lord!  Pretty big lessons from a little boy that lived only 5 days.

When we got back from China I felt something was still missing.  I am supposed to do more.  Over and over again I dreamt that my life is about to change.  I remember thinking I thought my life had already changed.  But I know there is supposed to be more.  Am I supposed to adopt again?  Am I supposed to support some group.  Should I sponsor some orphans through Show Hope.  Should we pay for surgeries?  What is God asking me to do?  I dreamt that I couldn’t find 4 of the 6 children that I adopted from China.  I woke up frantic and in tears.  I think that one freaked Dan out a bit.  Cassie joked that we were like Noah’s ark.  🙂  I keep praying that God will make my path clear.  That He will show me what I am supposed to do.  Our house is chaotic, it’s a mess, there have been blood draws and doctor appointments – why do I feel like there should be more.  It doesn’t make sense yet I feel it to my core.  God is calling.

I wanted something I felt a personal connection to and here it is.  The Chapman’s and Show Hope obviously have a special place in my heart.  It was Mary Beth’s fault I had adopted in the first place.  lol   Actually, her daughter’s quote about is it better for an orphan to have an older mother or no mother at all was the final deciding factor for me.  I had been dragging my feet thinking I was to old to adopt and then I read her book and God slapped me up along side the head.  I’m sure He gets tired of doing that.    But I wanted something I felt a true personal connection to.  And then it happened.

I love how God works. I just happened to send a Facebook message to Show Hope thanking them for all their volunteers.  There were tons of posts that day.  Why did Cathy respond to my post?  Cathy  looked  into it and found out that Maisey was one of their kids.  She asked me to let them know when we get her home so they can celebrate another forever family. I send them a picture and they send me the newsletter stating Maisey was the 1,000th baby helped. Someone just happened to remember she was in the November 2010 newsletter. Dan reads about the New Hope Foundation in China on line and he orders the book about the House of Hope and turns directly to page 216 and their is our little Maisey’s name.   These people, the Hills, take in the sickest kids and try to bring them to health.  Their vision is “To comfort always, to relieve often, and to save sometimes.”  A place after my own heart.  I will continue to pray for God’s leading, but I can tell this one is gonna be big.  I wonder what He is asking me to do.

Motherhood

Date: 2012.04.06 | Category: Family Life | Response: 0

I’ve been thinking about this a lot….how stay at home mom’s are looked down upon but change it to caring for an orphan & suddenly it’s this much bigger thing.  Saving orphans is a wonderful thing and God calls us to do this, but remember a child is a child in God’s eyes.  So do everything as unto the Lord.  Your work is important. Those who are allowed the luxury of staying at home, glamorize work  while those at work, envy the time those at home have with their children.   It’s the whole grass is always greener thing.  This isn’t meant to criticize anyone.  I just wanted to share this article because it hit home for me.

 There is a good old saying, perhaps only said by my Grandfather, that distance adds intrigue. It is certainly true — just think back to anything that has ever been distant from you that is now near. Your driver’s license. Marriage. Children. Things that used to seem so fascinating, but as they draw near become less mystical and more, well, real.

Good news and bad news….

Date: 2012.04.05 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey | Response: 0

Would you like the good news or the bad news first? We’ll go with the good…
The good news — Maisey really truly seems to hear. I can’t wait until her appointment on the 12th. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, but more and more people, including the doctors we saw today, agree that it is a strong possibility that she is able to hear out of her right ear.  Today she took my phone because the music was playing and put it up to her right ear.  It paused and she stopped and handed it to me and signed please.
The bad news — Benjamin has a temp of 104+, his platelets are 28,000 and we now have an appointment with hematology in Iowa City on Monday. Poor little guy. Hopefully, we will still be able to do the cath on the 18th.  Prayers are appreciated.

Benjamin and Maisey are truly the sweetest kids.  I can’t believe how much they love and trust us all ready.  I get how much I love them.  I’ve had a year to dream about them and to fall in love.  Benjamin and Maisey have both had numerous blood draws and they are really angry while it’s happening, but as soon as it’s done they let me comfort them and they hug me so tight.  It’s only been 2 weeks since we’ve been home.  It hasn’t even been a whole month since we met and yet it seems like they have been mine forever.  I truly don’t understand why I’ve been blessed but what a gift these two are.

Maisey is so funny.  She is just this petite little ball of fire.  She makes about 100 different faces.  My favorite is when she tilts her head and puts a palm on each cheek and just grins this huge grin at you.  She knows she’s adorable.  I remember when we talked about adopting her and how it would be to have people comment on her facial defects.  I was worried about how to handle it and what I would say.  But none of that has happened, everyone keeps talking about how cute and sweet she is. Don’t worry about what might happen because many times it never comes to be.  You’d think I’d learn.  Matthew 6:34   Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Benjamin is sweet, kind, generous, and so loving.  He tried to help unload the dishwasher today.   What 3 1/2 year old tries to help like that?  He loves to sit on my lap and just rock.   He asks “What is it?” all the time and just takes it all in.  He is learning so much each and every day.  I took him outside to walk around our path because he was so hot and it was cool outside.  We pointed at the moon and the stars.  He leans in and kisses my cheek and hugs me so tight.  No matter what happens in the months or years ahead, everything will have been worth it, just to have these moments with him.  He is just so happy and his giggle melts my heart.  It is the sweetest sound!  There will be no worrying about tomorrow today.  🙂

Maisey hearing.

Date: 2012.04.03 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey | Response: 0

I have a couple of drafts saved that I have been working on that talk about our trip and adoption, but I don’t seem to have a ton of time to just spend on the computer these days. First off, trying to keep everyone happy and fed is a major feat some days. Secondly, Benjamin has been pretty sick and we’ve had numerous doctors visits and lab draws. It turns out his blood work isn’t great and we had to postpone his heart cath until April 18th. His platelets were only 40,000. He bruises very easily and has had many bloody noses. We are trying to get all the blood work done, but they are trying to not make him anemic while doing said blood draws. They think it may be ITP – don’t ask me what it means. I’d just have to Google and copy and paste for you. So we’ll keep it simple and let you Google it. 🙂 It just makes things a smidge more complicated as we try to figure out what to do to make him feel better and to get his sats up.

Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for my husband? He has researched everything possible trying to figure out what it could be with Benjamin. He has consulted specialists, spent tons of time on the phone trying to get it figured out. He has reviewed AAP guidelines for international adoptions and what labs need to be done. It just makes me sad for other families who are just left hanging. It has made me think a lot about how this can be fixed. It’s just plain frustrating.

On a slightly disgusting note, (this will be a TMI for most) I had to do stool samples for the kids. It was a first for me and not something I care to do anytime again. Praises to all the nurses who have to mess with everyone’s bodily fluids way too often in their line of work. No one gives you enough credit I’m sure. My hat is off to you for all that you do to care for your patients.

But on to what this post is supposed to be about, Maisey hearing. Her actual appointment to get her hearing checked is April 12th. I do hope we get good news at this appointment. We truly do think she can hear some things. She responds differently than what we have been told a deaf baby will do. She says sounds that they usually don’t make and she isn’t monotone. I’m going to attach a video of her with Dan and the guitar. It was wonderful. Not sure if she was truly hearing it, but it seemed like it. It was a good, good day.

Thanks again for all your prayers for our family and our two new ones. They are truly, truly a blessing. I cannot believe how well they have fit in with our family and how much they love the other kids already. I am truly blessed and grateful every day for the blessing of them in my life.

3:15 a.m. ponderings

Date: 2012.03.29 | Category: Benjamin | Response: 0

I woke up wide awake at 3:15. I would have sworn that it was 6:15. I felt that good. I’m sure when it is really 6:15 and I need to get ready to go workout, I may not be feeling quite as chipper. Plus, I’m not looking forward to lifting for my lower body. My arms still hurt from Tuesday. I obviously should have taken a set of bands with me to China. 3 weeks off is too long! 🙂

This morning in bed, I laid there for a while and listened to my children breathe. I slept with the crew last night because Gracie needed held because she felt nauseous after her chemo and Ben needed the other arm after his big day or he wouldn’t go to sleep. Maisey who does not want to be cuddled (because then she might actually close her eyes and she’s fighting it with all that she has) has scooted herself over on top of my head on the pillow. Hopey is at my feet and her dog scratched at the door until I let him in to sleep beside us both. All of this should NOT have led to a good nights rest, but it did. So I find myself awake this morning thinking about Benjamin and what led me to him.

I’ve written about it before so I won’t go into great length about it, but I will say everything about adopting him was a HUGE leap of faith. Dan and I both trusted with all our hearts that this was a God thing. We knew going in that his defect was unfixable. It didn’t make sense how attached we were to him. How we wanted to proceed even though we knew he might not live long enough for us to get him. We knew all of this, but I had hope from our earlier talks with Dr. D. I cried, when at Hopey’s appointment months earlier, we discussed Benjamin and Dr. D said that he could maybe extend his life for 10 more years. What a blessing 10 years would be. I cried again yesterday when they said that specific surgery was no longer a possibility. It’s hard to listen to the doctors say well there’s another procedure that maybe could be done, but only a couple of places do it, you could ask around after we have more information from the cath. Dr. D said that the procedure can lead to arrhythmias in their early 20’s but you wouldn’t have to worry about that because his life expectancy will not be into his 20’s. I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear that after all he’s been through there is a cure, that there is a fix. I know Benjamin doesn’t know any better. I know that if it’s before the age of accountability he will go to heaven and if he lives long enough, I will be able to lead him to Christ. Benjamin’s life after this one will be full of many, many blessings. But darn it, I’m his mama and I want to be able to fix it.

I’ve had to fight so many thoughts of worry, anger, bitterness during this past year. I had to confess my mental attitude sinning quite a few times yesterday. I’m angry that I lost a year with him waiting for stupid bureaucratic paperwork. I’m angry that there is a culture that doesn’t value his life. I’m worried that I won’t be enough. (Although that one is subsiding after yesterday. He let me comfort him at every point. He believed me when I said, “No owies!”. He let them do the tests.) I’m upset that his little life has so little value by the world’s standards. I know he has great value in God’s eyes, but the world has let him down. He was starving. He is malnourished and protein deficient. He is so little that you can see his heart beat between his ribs. He has been alone and fighting for so long. I’m filled with pain because I couldn’t do anything to protect him or comfort him.

I’m trusting God’s plan. I’m trusting in Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I know that doesn’t mean there will be a miracle, but I haven’t given up hope. I know that doesn’t mean everything will be cheery and work out well. Life can be very sad and unfair. I have sick kids. I’ve signed on to take care of children with special needs and still my healthy, sweet, baby got lupus. Life can seem very unfair, but the reality of it is why shouldn’t things happen to me? Am I somehow above the bad? Who would I wish it on? Who would I say deserves it more? No one. God choose me to mother these sick little kids and I will do it to the best of my abilities. Their lives touch so many more lives than mine ever will. I watch Gracie and see how she moves people. I’ve seen how good people are as they supported her. Gracie has a faith and trust in God that is amazing! People still talk about Codey. People still comment about Hope and her story. I can’t see the big picture. I wish I could with Benjamin. I wish I could see why he went through what he went through. I know in my heart that there is a bigger purpose. I know with all of my being that God brought him to me for a reason. So at 4:15 I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, hoping that I can let go of the negative emotions that sometimes just show up, and that I will be able to stay completely and utterly focused in the moment of being his mama. What a special, special boy he is. What a sweet and loving spirit he has. Dr. D said he couldn’t believe he was playing and alert. His blood work is off and just touching him causes petechiae. Ben is sick and yet he is so happy. He giggles and giggles and play so hard. He isn’t angry. He is just love. What a gift I have been given. What a blessing that I get to be in the moment with him, that I get the gift of being his mama, that I get the privilege of comforting him.

On another similar note, I don’t know what to do when people say I am amazing. It seems weird to even bring it up but I feel I have to. It makes me feel very uncomfortable because the truth of the matter is I don’t feel amazing. I don’t think it’s amazing to love your child. It’s like commending me for breathing. I know God commands us to love our children. He also commands us to care for the widows and the orphans. I have seriously been told James 1:27 by 7 different people this week, even my Purpose Driven Life devotion had it. I’ve had this verse typed in the center of the pictures of my World Vision children for years. I understand what God expects of me, but that is not why I adopted Benjamin. I adopted Benjamin because he is my son. I don’t believe I’m amazing, but I do believe that God is amazing. In a computer full of little faces that all need love God brought me to my son. I knew he was my son with just a glance and the most wonderful thing is that Benjamin trusts that I am his mother! God is AMAZING! So my hope through all of this is that people will not look at me because the truth is that I am just an imperfect human*, but instead look to a God that is unbelievably amazing. God did not cause Benjamin’s pain – a world full of humans with free will caused his pain. Bad things happen. Could God fix them all? Yes. Could God make this a perfect world? I’m pretty sure it started out that way, and we took things for granted and messed it up. God deserves praise for working things together for good for Benjamin.

*My devotional prayer this morning says it all:
Dear God, Thank you for a new day. I know that everything I am and everything I have is a result of what you have allowed in my life. Sometimes life is very hard; other times it is full of happiness. I know you are always there and your blessing is available…if only I will listen and obey. Please help me to recognize the gifts you send and the doors you open each and every day. Give me wisdom to see and do your will. Thank you for the spiritual gifts you have given, also. I pray that you will use those gifts to work in and through me to minister to the world and draw people to you. In Jesus’ name I pray and give you praise. Amen. (by Os Hillman)

So even though I am sometimes sad at the unfairness of Benjamin’s life, you will not see me angry or frustrated at God. You will instead see me praise a God that is good. A God that has led me to my son and who has loved my son for all time with a love that I can not even fathom. He knows the number of hairs on Ben’s head and He holds Benji’s future in His perfect, all knowing hands. I trust that. I pray that Ben’s life will be happy and that I will be able to truly live in the moment with him. What a gift it is to be his mama.

A good reminder…

Date: 2012.03.29 | Category: Thoughts to ponder, Uncategorized | Response: 0

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

Words that change your life…

Date: 2012.03.29 | Category: Family Life | Response: 0

I woke up this morning thinking about so many different things. This story was one of them. It goes along well with one of my favorite sayings – Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I love sayings, stories, quotes that make you think. That make you truly stop and appreciate what you have and who your life should be lived for.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved