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I just want to go already….
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about going to China. They have a little girl (who is as cute as can be) that they adopted from China. Every time I see her I just want to squeeze her. 🙂 We were discussing how sad and scared her daughter was at the very beginning. My friend said the very next day when they gave their daughter a second bottle it was a turning point. She was amazed that there was more food. That just breaks my heart, especially because Benjamin hasn’t grown in the past year. Maisey is 2 and he is almost 4 and there is only 1 pound difference. Kids with heart defects need extra calories just to grow. I think about him there in the orphanage needing and wanting more food and it just makes me want to cry. I hate that my children have had to fend for themselves. I’m happy that there was a place for them to go. I’m happy that people have cared for them, but I hate that this world is so imperfect. I hate that they were abandoned. It truly breaks my heart.
On a different note, I took a bunch of stuff to Goodwill today. Did my spring cleaning early because I’m afraid my spring is going to be very busy. We have stuff in boxes that we carted from Iowa City 10 years ago. As I was looking at the stuff, I kept asking myself why have you held on to this? Now was a wonderful time to just go through everything. My motivation? Watching my mother-in-law go through her father’s house full of 90+ years of papers. She found papers from the 1920’s. I don’t want to do that to my children. Although, the papers were kind of cool to look at. As I was dropping off my stuff at Goodwill, I was thinking about all the useless, unnecessary stuff I buy. The gentlemen at the door was talking to Grace about the clothes that were being packed up and how they send some of them overseas to people who don’t have anything. Gracie was very touched by that. Grace & I discussed how it’s hard when you see something pretty and you would like to have it, but you don’t really need it. We should just walk away and see if we even remember it in a week. How much better would it be to give that amount to someone else? I have done so many things wrong with my money. It makes me want to be better. Which led me back to Maisey & Benjamin, I’m so happy they will soon be part of my family. I’m also sad that there are so many hurting kids out there without a family. I may not be able to adopt any more, because the legal system frowns at adopting over 50 – which I suppose makes sense. I can, however, sponsor some orphans. I may get up to that 12 child mark that I once talked about in high school. Sounds like a good goal to me.
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Blessings
I’ve been thinking about this lately because I’ve had so many people say “you are wonderful to do what you are doing”. I’m never sure how to respond to that, especially since no one tells you that “you are a wonderful for doing what you are doing” when you get pregnant.
I can tell you without a doubt that my 3 adopted children are my children and have been since the moment I laid eyes on them. It was love at first sight. With Hope it wasn’t even first sight. Dan called to tell me that he had to ask another resident to go back to a delivery because he couldn’t do it. He had heard this story about a little girl with a heart defect, the adoptive parents backed out, and the biological mother had decided not to treat her, which meant that she would die within a week or two. He had been to many deliveries, heard and seen many things, but he could not go to her delivery. He was attached to this little girl.
He was supposed to write the orders to stop her prostaglandins. He couldn’t do it. Instead he went to the hospitals gift shop. He called me after she was born to tell me that he had bought her booties and stuffed animals. He couldn’t stand that her bed looked so empty. He wrote an order for the nurses to rock her every hour. He called me and I knew it the minute he said it. She was supposed to be ours.
The kids, Dan and I decided to bring her home so that she wouldn’t die alone in the hospital. We had already been through Kyle’s death and knew we could handle it. Cassie said she didn’t care if she was only here for a day she would be her sister forever. Cassie got on her knees and begged. Zach said no child should die alone and without a name. We knew that we could proceed with the adoption after she died because friends of ours had a child die during the adoption process and in Iowa you can still finish the adoption. So we knew she would die with our name and she would be loved for as long as we had. We were prepared. Well, at least as prepared as you can be.
Once we had decided on that though, the cardiac surgeon came up to us and said if we would proceed with the adoption, he would do everything in his power to get her through her surgeries. We decided to try. Dan’s mom even called me the day after I told her about this baby and she said, “How is she doing? It’s the strangest thing. I feel like I’m her grandma or something.” I laughed and said, “Well, that’s good because guess what we’ve decided to do.” Someday I’ll have to write about all the God things that have happened with Hope. It should be a book. She is a miracle, a gift. Any wonderful thing I did pales in comparison with the blessings that God has given me by letting me be her mother.
Benjamin and Maisey’s story were my first journals on this blog. We looked at many, many babies on the CCAI web-site. I knew the instant I saw them that they were my children. I can’t explain it. I can’t explain how God works. It just was. I cried when I saw their faces, much like I did after I delivered my babies. These are my children. I can’t stand the fact that they were abandoned. I don’t want to tell them that, but it is their truth. I can, however, tell them over and over again what led them to us. How God works and how their lives were meant to be. They were meant to be my children. I would do anything for them. I would gladly give up my life for them. I haven’t done anything special except love my children. So if you say, “It’s wonderful what you are doing” and I stare at you like I don’t know what you are talking about – this is the reason. I haven’t done anything except trust that what God has laid upon my heart is the truth. I’m so blessed that these children are mine. Hope is named Hope for just that reason because it means trust and faith. It’s not hard to trust a perfect God. When you have trust, have faith, and follow what He lays upon your heart, amazing things happen.
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Reminders…
I sat in church today and was reminded that God is everywhere. I know this. Truly I do. He is in the big things and the little things. He knows my thoughts and the number of hairs on my head. I have seen Him work in so many things during my life. I have been driven to my knees, at my child’s bedside, begging for “Jesus, Come to My Rescue” (yes, the song lyrics) and seen Him work miracles. I am constantly blown away by this. I know that He and only He knows the number of days we have each been allotted. I know that His plan is perfect, as is His timing. But today the reminder that He truly is every where was just what I needed to hear. It brought tears to my eyes. God is not a Father who only disciplines. He is not an angry judge waiting for you to mess up. He is a Father that can work all things for good. All things. That is absolutely, positively mind blowing.
So today whenever my nervousness or fear raises it’s ugly head, I will hear Pastor’s voice reminding me that God is in control. That He knows all and would not have placed these children on my heart if it was not meant to be. I pray that I can be the mother that Benjamin & Maisey need. I pray that the moment they see Dan & I they can feel all the love we have felt for a year now. I pray that they will be at peace and know that they are loved.
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It’s a small world….
I was at an eye appointment with Hope on Monday and asked the eye doctor when she would need to see the new kids. We agreed that it’s not emergent and we can schedule an appointment when life calms down….which makes me chuckle. I’m not sure that is likely to happen, but I’ll schedule the appointment anyway. Benjamin needs his heart catherization in the first 3 weeks. Maisey needs her hearing checked right away. She will be 2 on April 9th. Totally off the point, but I remember standing in Linda’s kitchen last year and crying because she was going to turn 1 without me. A whole year has gone by. How is that possible? Anyway, back to the subject at hand. All the literature says that the earlier you get their hearing appliance, the better. Hopefully, before they turn two. It helps with their speech. We will work on that as quickly as possible.
The eye doctor and I started talking about adoption and blogs. She told me of a blog she follows with a baby with a heart defect. She describes the heart defect and I chuckle because it is Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I point and Hopey and say that is the heart defect Hope has. She loves that Hope looks so good and you can’t even tell she is missing her left ventricle.
We then talk about a blog she has been following about parents that are in Taiwan getting their little boy right now. He is almost 4, just like Benjamin. She tells me that the little boy will go to the Dad and to the older sister, but not the mother. I can’t believe she has hit on my worst fear. It’s ironic really. I don’t remember ever wondering if my babies would love me when they grew up – not even with Hope, but for some reason the fact that they are already little people scares me to death. It makes me so nervous. I know, if it happens, that I can’t take it personally, but how do you not take it personally? Especially when all I want to do is hold them in my arms and give them all my love. I was recently told by a friend that they will sense how much I love them and they will be fine. He mentioned my “mommyness”. I know I tend to mother even if people are not my kids. I try not to, but I just do. I want to be able to say I’m at peace but still I worry. Which is hilarious because I know better than to worry. God has shown me that lesson over and over again. You’d think I’d learn. Whenever I am truly worried about something, some completely different happens & I end up saying, “Well, I didn’t see that one coming.” When will I learn? I try so hard to just have faith, to trust and be at peace. Dan and I have been praying for months now that God would let them be open to us and let them have peace in their hearts as they wait. I will continue to just turn it over. Maybe someday I will get it right – hopefully, tomorrow will be the day!
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Waiting….again….
I was so happy when they said that we would be leaving on the 29th. The agency said it was really short notice, but they wanted to get us there as soon as possible. I didn’t know what to do. For one thing, Grace has her chemo on the 29th. I hate to not be there. In reality, she has done so well. Her hair has thinned, but she hasn’t lost it all. She gets a little sick to her stomach, but has only thrown up once. Thanks in part to Zofran! Dan will just get back from his work related trip, but we could make it work. We e-mailed everyone. We rearranged everything only to have the agency say that we can’t leave until March 7-9. WHAT? More waiting? I am so tired of waiting. Yes, I believe in God’s perfect timing. Yes, I believe in His perfect plan. Yes, I am still human and am still working on perfecting my patience. 🙂
The truth of the matter is I do want to be here for Gracie and it is only one more week. An extra 7 more days. 168 more hours. Though it’s depressing that I won’t be back for Gracie’s birthday on March 23rd. It’s her 7th birthday and she is so excited. What a great gift that would have been….well, I guess will be. We’ll only be a couple days late. Then our family will be together – well, almost everyone will be here. That is a whole other story for another time.
We are coming little ones. We are so close now. 19 more days…
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Our littlest girl, Maisey Meilyn (Cupcake)
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Our little guy, Benjamin Hua Jie (Tigger)
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Happy dance!
Today we received notice that our Travel Approval came in. We leave February 29th to bring Benjamin & Maisey home! Praise the Lord!
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Uncertainty Overcome by God’s Grace
We have been praying about it and we feel like God is leading us to adopt another child along with Mei-Lyn. We aren’t getting any younger and if we are going to do it, we should just do it. I’ve had this feeling before, the feeling that God is asking me to do something. Something that may not seem logical, but God is asking me to trust Him. I felt it with Hope. Dan just knew we were supposed to adopt her. Her adoptive parents backed out when they found out about her heart defect and Dan just knew even before she was born that he was supposed to be her daddy. He couldn’t explain it, but there he was in the hospital buying her booties & stuffed animals. He wrote a note in her chart that nurses had to rock her. She was his daughter without reservation. He called me to ask how I felt about adopting. We all agreed and Hope became part of our family.
Later I had that same feeling, when at the age of 40, I felt like I should have a tubal reversal and try again to get pregnant. Why would I do that? I had adopted 5 years before. I know how wonderful it can be. There are many children who need to be loved and need a home. But Dan had exactly the same feeling so we proceeded. We went to a fertility specialist who told us my eggs were still healthy. I had the surgery. The doctor had warned us that the odds of me getting pregnant were slim to none. I was 40, my tubes had been tied since I was 28, and there was a lot of scarring. But I knew who was in control and if this feeling was truly from God, then I would become pregnant. I was totally at peace with whatever was God’s plan. I was pregnant the very first month.
5 weeks early, at a routine ultrasound scheduled because I am an older mom, they notice that there is a ton of blood in my amniotic fluid. They rush me for an emergency c-section. The doctor knows that we wanted to try again after this baby, but because of the complications we decided to have a tubal again. I’m not sure I can go through that again. (We had already been through a lot with my first c-section with the twins at 28 weeks. Kyle died 5 days later and Codey wasn’t released from the hospital until he was 14 months old.) The doctor informs me that it is good because he has no idea how I got pregnant anyway. The first tube is unbelievably scarred and the second doesn’t even look like it’s hooked up. But we know who is in control and for that reason we name her Grace.
Now I’m presented with adopting a second child from China. China has just made this available for really sick children. You can adopt them with another special needs child. We pray about it and decide that is really want God wants us to do so we tell the agency. They ask us to fill out another Medical Conditions Checklist. We fill it out and we mail it back it.
Hope asks for a little boy with a heart defect like hers. We explain it can’t be as major as hers because most children don’t live past the first few weeks if it isn’t fixed. Dan says the new baby’s nickname will be Tigger. We all laugh because we know what happened when he nicknamed Mei-Lyn.
We get an e-mail from the agency telling us that they got our checklist and they will try to match us, but please check their web-site for a list of “Special Focus” children. We start looking at children and there he is, a 2 and half year old little boy, with a major heart defect, standing in his crib, and holding Tigger. I can’t explain it. He is just mine. We write the agency and we wait for the next morning. I can’t wait any longer so I call. Could we please see the information on this little boy? Well, they would love to but another family is looking over his medical history and trying to decide.
So I shop with my girls and I pray and pray and pray. I know that if God intends for this child to be mine, then they will say no. I know that. I truly know that, but I’m having a hard time. I get the e-mail on my Blackberry that Dan had me buy. (Sidenote: I thought it was ridiculous to have your e-mails sent to your phone. Hahaha….not anymore!) The other family has said no and the agency will send his medical information right away.
I cry. I turn to Cassie and say that I can’t explain it. I feel exactly like I did with Mei-Lyn. He is supposed to be my son. What if it’s not fixable and Daddy says it’s not logical? What if I have to say no. What does God want me to do?
Dan sends out the report to one of his cardiology friends. Have I mentioned how nice it has been that Dan is a doctor? He knows just the right people to ask and we get information that would be hard to come by quickly. I walk into Dan’s office when we get home and I just know. He’s upset, tears are in his eyes. He tells me it is not fixable. It would have been in the first few weeks of his life, but he’s too old now. Tigger’s heart is enlarged and his blood vessels thickened. Surgery is no longer an option. I cry. He looks at me and says, “I can’t explain it, but I feel God wants us to still do this. He may have 6 months. He may have 10 years. I don’t know. What do you want to do?” I say I want to proceed even though it doesn’t make sense. I’m pretty sure people will think we have completely lost our minds, but I just don’t care.
I post Proverbs 3:5-6 on my Facebook because that is how I feel. Dan jokes that at this point in our lives we should maybe have it tattooed on us. He can always make me laugh.
We send back a letter telling the agency we want to proceed and we will send our Letter of Intent in the morning. We spend an hour talking about what God wants us to do. Why is he asking us to do this? We talk about our other children and how they want to proceed. We are so proud of their open hearts and their willingness to love this little boy. We talk about how Tigger will always be ours no matter how much time we have with him. We talk about how we don’t know how long any of us have. There are no guarantees. We talk about how all of us have been adopted into God’s family and how God must feel. I wonder if God feels this way knowing that we could be His, but waiting for us to make that decision. We are as broken as Tigger, if not worse, and God just patiently waits. He waits for us to become His children.
This morning (4/21/11) I wake up and read my devotions that are sent to my e-mail. The Parenting by Design devotion from Crosswalk and what does it say? “Uncertainty” and the verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. I laugh out loud. Yes, God. I am listening. Here is the devotion: How comfortable are you with uncertainty? Many parents agonize over decisions because they are afraid of making a mistake, but God doesn’t promise to give us absolute certainty. He invites us to know and trust Him in the midst of uncertainty. That’s what faith is all about! If you constantly worry about your children, surrender your fears to God. Instead of being determined to figure out what God wants you to do, focus instead on who He is. As human beings with finite minds, we do not always understand the eternal purposes behind events. Faith is trusting that our story will fit perfectly into His story. Trust God’s character in the midst of uncertainty and embrace the wisdom and goodness of God.
And so I trust. I wait, while wishing I could just jump on a plane, but still I trust that God’s timing is perfect. He has brought me to my new son and daughter. I rejoice. I wait. I trust.
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Cupcake
Ok. I can’t keep it inside anymore. A little more screaming from the rooftop kinda of information. On Thursday night Dan and I went out to eat. We were talking about all the changes in our life and how exciting they were. He proceeded to tell me that he had his nickname picked out for our new baby, where ever she is. He told me that now we were ready. She would be called “Cupcake”. He has given all his girls a nickname and his newest one had hers.
We have been told that it would be up to a year before we heard about the baby we were trying to adopt. We were on a very long waiting list. So we started to pray for “Cupcake” and were excited about the prospect of her being somewhere or waiting to be born. We know God is in control and He has her under His care. His timing is perfect and we were ready to wait.
Yesterday, not even a full 24 hours later, we received a call from the agency about a little girl, who is almost a year old. They sent us pictures and asked us to try and decide. I cried. Who can say no to a baby? But we have to make a decision that is right for the whole family. She was beautiful, but had special needs. But God is good and suddenly Cassie’s begging to take ASL last year made sense. The baby is deaf and Cassie says she knows we can handle it.
She is so beautiful. When I looked at her, I knew she was my daughter so we have decided to adopt Cupcake and make her a part of this family. I’m so excited. Now I just have to wait for all the paperwork to be done and to fly half way around the world. But I can see her face and I (and all my family and friends – hint, hint) can pray for her too!
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