We have been praying about it and we feel like God is leading us to adopt another child along with Mei-Lyn. We aren’t getting any younger and if we are going to do it, we should just do it. I’ve had this feeling before, the feeling that God is asking me to do something. Something that may not seem logical, but God is asking me to trust Him. I felt it with Hope. Dan just knew we were supposed to adopt her. Her adoptive parents backed out when they found out about her heart defect and Dan just knew even before she was born that he was supposed to be her daddy. He couldn’t explain it, but there he was in the hospital buying her booties & stuffed animals. He wrote a note in her chart that nurses had to rock her. She was his daughter without reservation. He called me to ask how I felt about adopting. We all agreed and Hope became part of our family.

Later I had that same feeling, when at the age of 40, I felt like I should have a tubal reversal and try again to get pregnant. Why would I do that? I had adopted 5 years before. I know how wonderful it can be. There are many children who need to be loved and need a home. But Dan had exactly the same feeling so we proceeded. We went to a fertility specialist who told us my eggs were still healthy. I had the surgery. The doctor had warned us that the odds of me getting pregnant were slim to none. I was 40, my tubes had been tied since I was 28, and there was a lot of scarring. But I knew who was in control and if this feeling was truly from God, then I would become pregnant. I was totally at peace with whatever was God’s plan. I was pregnant the very first month.

5 weeks early, at a routine ultrasound scheduled because I am an older mom, they notice that there is a ton of blood in my amniotic fluid. They rush me for an emergency c-section. The doctor knows that we wanted to try again after this baby, but because of the complications we decided to have a tubal again. I’m not sure I can go through that again. (We had already been through a lot with my first c-section with the twins at 28 weeks. Kyle died 5 days later and Codey wasn’t released from the hospital until he was 14 months old.) The doctor informs me that it is good because he has no idea how I got pregnant anyway. The first tube is unbelievably scarred and the second doesn’t even look like it’s hooked up. But we know who is in control and for that reason we name her Grace.

Now I’m presented with adopting a second child from China. China has just made this available for really sick children. You can adopt them with another special needs child. We pray about it and decide that is really want God wants us to do so we tell the agency. They ask us to fill out another Medical Conditions Checklist. We fill it out and we mail it back it.

Hope asks for a little boy with a heart defect like hers. We explain it can’t be as major as hers because most children don’t live past the first few weeks if it isn’t fixed. Dan says the new baby’s nickname will be Tigger. We all laugh because we know what happened when he nicknamed Mei-Lyn.

We get an e-mail from the agency telling us that they got our checklist and they will try to match us, but please check their web-site for a list of “Special Focus” children. We start looking at children and there he is, a 2 and half year old little boy, with a major heart defect, standing in his crib, and holding Tigger. I can’t explain it. He is just mine. We write the agency and we wait for the next morning. I can’t wait any longer so I call. Could we please see the information on this little boy? Well, they would love to but another family is looking over his medical history and trying to decide.

So I shop with my girls and I pray and pray and pray. I know that if God intends for this child to be mine, then they will say no. I know that. I truly know that, but I’m having a hard time. I get the e-mail on my Blackberry that Dan had me buy. (Sidenote: I thought it was ridiculous to have your e-mails sent to your phone. Hahaha….not anymore!) The other family has said no and the agency will send his medical information right away.

I cry. I turn to Cassie and say that I can’t explain it. I feel exactly like I did with Mei-Lyn. He is supposed to be my son. What if it’s not fixable and Daddy says it’s not logical? What if I have to say no. What does God want me to do?

Dan sends out the report to one of his cardiology friends. Have I mentioned how nice it has been that Dan is a doctor? He knows just the right people to ask and we get information that would be hard to come by quickly. I walk into Dan’s office when we get home and I just know. He’s upset, tears are in his eyes. He tells me it is not fixable. It would have been in the first few weeks of his life, but he’s too old now. Tigger’s heart is enlarged and his blood vessels thickened. Surgery is no longer an option. I cry. He looks at me and says, “I can’t explain it, but I feel God wants us to still do this. He may have 6 months. He may have 10 years. I don’t know. What do you want to do?” I say I want to proceed even though it doesn’t make sense. I’m pretty sure people will think we have completely lost our minds, but I just don’t care.

I post Proverbs 3:5-6 on my Facebook because that is how I feel. Dan jokes that at this point in our lives we should maybe have it tattooed on us. He can always make me laugh.

We send back a letter telling the agency we want to proceed and we will send our Letter of Intent in the morning. We spend an hour talking about what God wants us to do. Why is he asking us to do this? We talk about our other children and how they want to proceed. We are so proud of their open hearts and their willingness to love this little boy. We talk about how Tigger will always be ours no matter how much time we have with him. We talk about how we don’t know how long any of us have. There are no guarantees. We talk about how all of us have been adopted into God’s family and how God must feel. I wonder if God feels this way knowing that we could be His, but waiting for us to make that decision. We are as broken as Tigger, if not worse, and God just patiently waits. He waits for us to become His children.

This morning (4/21/11) I wake up and read my devotions that are sent to my e-mail. The Parenting by Design devotion from Crosswalk and what does it say? “Uncertainty” and the verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. I laugh out loud. Yes, God. I am listening. Here is the devotion: How comfortable are you with uncertainty? Many parents agonize over decisions because they are afraid of making a mistake, but God doesn’t promise to give us absolute certainty. He invites us to know and trust Him in the midst of uncertainty. That’s what faith is all about! If you constantly worry about your children, surrender your fears to God. Instead of being determined to figure out what God wants you to do, focus instead on who He is. As human beings with finite minds, we do not always understand the eternal purposes behind events. Faith is trusting that our story will fit perfectly into His story. Trust God’s character in the midst of uncertainty and embrace the wisdom and goodness of God.

And so I trust. I wait, while wishing I could just jump on a plane, but still I trust that God’s timing is perfect. He has brought me to my new son and daughter. I rejoice. I wait. I trust.