• It’s a small world….

    Date: 2012.02.18 | Category: Hope | Tags:

    I was at an eye appointment with Hope on Monday and asked the eye doctor when she would need to see the new kids.  We agreed that it’s not emergent and we can schedule an appointment when life calms down….which makes me chuckle.  I’m not sure that is likely to happen, but I’ll schedule the appointment anyway.  Benjamin needs his heart catherization in the first 3 weeks.  Maisey needs her hearing checked right away.  She will be 2 on April 9th.  Totally off the point, but I remember standing in Linda’s kitchen last year and crying because she was going to turn 1 without me.  A whole year has gone by.  How is that possible?  Anyway, back to the subject at hand.  All the literature says that the earlier you get their hearing appliance, the better.  Hopefully, before they turn two.  It helps with their speech.  We will work on that as quickly as possible.

    The eye doctor and I started talking about adoption and blogs.  She told me of a blog she follows with a baby with a heart defect.  She describes the heart defect and I chuckle because it is Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  I point and Hopey and say that is the heart defect Hope has.  She loves that Hope looks so good and you can’t even tell she is missing her left ventricle.

    We then talk about a blog she has been following about parents that are in Taiwan getting their little boy right now.  He is almost 4, just like Benjamin.  She tells me that the little boy will go to the Dad and to the older sister, but not the mother.  I can’t believe she has hit on my worst fear.   It’s ironic really.  I don’t remember ever wondering if my babies would love me when they grew up – not even with Hope, but for some reason the fact that they are already little people scares me to death.  It makes me so nervous.  I know, if it happens, that I can’t take it personally, but how do you not take it personally?  Especially when all I want to do is hold them in my arms and give them all my love.  I was recently told by a friend that they will sense how much I love them and they will be fine.  He mentioned my “mommyness”.  I know I tend to mother even if people are not my kids.  I try not to, but I just do.  I want to be able to say I’m at peace but still I worry.  Which is hilarious because I know better than to worry.  God has shown me that lesson over and over again.  You’d think I’d learn.  Whenever I am truly worried about something, some completely different happens & I end up saying, “Well, I didn’t see that one coming.”  When will I learn?   I try so hard to just have faith, to trust and be at peace.  Dan and I have been praying for months now that God would let them be open to us and let them have peace in their hearts as they wait.  I will continue to just turn it over.  Maybe someday I will get it right – hopefully, tomorrow will be the day!