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Good things happen to those who wait…
Zachary has been patiently waiting for the right girl for a few years now. He has always had it in his mind that he would find a girl that shared his faith, who would be his best friend, care about his family (and not be afraid of his big family), and they would start a life together. Zach moved to Florida to get his Masters degree. He moved back to Iowa after interning at EA Sports because Gracie was sick and he wanted Maisey and Benjamin to know him. (Little did he know then that there would be even more littles to join our family.)
It’s hard when you are a 24 year old man who doesn’t drink, but you’d like to meet some people who share your interests. Zach had been praying for that for a while. He wanted to meet some friends, who liked video games like he did, who shared his same values, weren’t into partying or hanging out at bars, etc. One day I was talking to a new 10 weeker that had joined our 7 a.m. class at Farrell’s. He seemed like a nice guy. We talked on and off about our faith and a little about our families. One day I mentioned how hard it was for Zach to meet new people. Our church was very small and most of Zach’s friends had moved away or he lost touch with them. Fritz invited Zach over for a game night with his group of friends. They hit it off and a friendship was started. I love the way God works. How He places people in your life at just the right time. After Fritz and Zach were hanging out for a while, Fritz told me that he knew lots of single girls in Zach’s age group from church and they (Fritz and his wife) said that they would figure out who would be the best match for him. I laughed. Blind dates don’t usually work, but they said they had had some luck in this match making area and would get back to us. On New Years Eve they invited both Zach and this new girl over for their annual New Year’s Eve party. Zach knew about the match making. Stephanie did not.
But to the joy of everyone involved, Zach and Stephanie hit it off. They dated. Zach commented over and over again how comfortable he felt with her. He would say how easy it was to talk to her and how he just really liked her. Time went by. He brought her over to meet his siblings and she didn’t bolt out the door upon entering the chaos that can happen with 11 children in the house. Even when he explained all that was going on with the littles, she was supportive. The littles love her. They run to the door, yelling “Stephameme!”. They hug her and all ask to be held. They all fight over her lap and she just goes with the flow.
All of this leads to today. It was a very big day. Zachary proposed and Stephanie said “Yes!”.
Now this is all very sweet but I really wanted to share the back story of how the proposal came to be. Zachary really wanted this to be a sweet proposal. He had considered some big flashmob idea, but Steph doesn’t like surprises all that well and he was worried he would embarrass her around people she didn’t know. He decided to propose at Brenton Skating Plaza because that was where they had their first dates. He had been talking with the staff there and found out they had a package you could buy to do just that. He picked out his song, Philip Phillips “Home”. They had it set for him to propose right before the zamboni polished the ice during intermission. It was all set and he was so excited. He had been counting down the hours on his phone until 2 p.m. today.
He had worked it out so Stephanie’s parents, two of her sisters and her niece and brother-in-law could be there. Dan and I and all our kids were set to be there along with grandma, Linda. It is no small feat to get all of us somewhere. We couldn’t say we were going skating because that wouldn’t be believable. Ice skating with two children with thin blood would not be a good idea. The littles, Jasmine, Dan, Mema and I were going to hide off in the distance in our “invisible” bus and watch from afar. We were all set.
On Friday afternoon the manager called and said the rink would not be open this weekend because it was too warm. Too warm on November 17th in Iowa. How is that even possible? The manager asked if Zach could just do it next week. Zach said he would love to, but he couldn’t. His parents would be traveling to Boston for Ben’s open heart surgery and all sorts of finagling had to be done to get Steph’s sister off of work. Zach was disappointed and tried to figure out a Plan B.
Meanwhile, the rink manager called back and said he had a plan. What if he could get Zach 30 minutes on the ice at Wells Fargo Arena? Could he get Stephanie there? Zach was thrilled, but how to get Stephanie there without her figuring it out. It was no longer an outing to take Gracie and Steph’s niece to skate together. Now it was private skating time. Cassie came up with a great idea. What if we told Steph that Zach had a special plan to celebrate Gracie being well now after being diagnosed with lupus two years ago? It was right before Thanksgiving two years ago when she went in for her bone marrow biopsy because they thought she had leukemia. Gracie is still taking her chemo drugs along with many others and will be for a while, but she had been doing so well. What if that was the reason for the change? What if Zach said that the people at Brenton were so touched by Gracie’s story that they allowed us to do this? What if it was all about one last hurrah before Ben’s surgery?
Well, the plan was in place. We headed off in our bus to the skating plaza to get our skates. Both families got on the bus and we headed to Wells Fargo. We were taken in through the dock doors and the best news…..the littles, Codey and Jasmine didn’t have to watch from the bus. They got to go in. They got to be part of the whole thing. And the people at Brenton went above and beyond, they even brought Tinkerbell to celebrate Gracie’s health. Gracie and Jasmine were thrilled. Ben loves Tinkerbell because of Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Hope was even excited because we often call her “Tink”.
What a gloriously wonderful day! Have I mentioned before how seriously blessed I am? It’s not often that our whole family can be part of gatherings. It’s complicated with Lainey and Codey and Jasmine being in the wheelchairs. But today they opened the big doors to the ice arena, put up a ramp, and invited Codey and Jasmine to take their wheelchairs on the ice. It’s hard when your children feel left out. It’s hard when they are constantly on the sidelines watching others do the things they wished they could do, but not today. Today they were part of the group. Today they had fun!
Zach proposed. The families celebrated.
Even the littles had fun running up and down the aisles between the stadium seating.
I have to give a big shout out to Brenton Skating Plaza. They went above and beyond with all their plans. They could have easily said, “Well, we are sorry. Here is your money back. Wish we could have helped.” But instead they thought outside of the box. They listened to Zach and worked hard to make things work. They met us at Brenton. They took us to Wells Fargo Arena. They patiently stood by while we unloaded the bus and took forever to get our children into the arena. They made the day not only for Zachary and Stephanie but for all my middles and littles. All the way home Jasmine kept saying, “I had really, really, really, really, fun mama! I want to go again. Can I go?”
We were all feeling blessed to be a part of this wonderful day and can’t wait for Zachary and Stephanie to start their lives together. Nobody is happier than Steph’s niece and Gracie though. They have been planning from the very beginning to be cousins and now they have their wish. It wasn’t too long into their dating that Gracie said “She’s the one, Zach” and Steph’s niece announced to Zach at one of their first family lunches that “Hey, if you marry Steph then you get to be my uncle.” Zach had set up a lunch meeting with her dad to ask his permission for Steph’s hand in marriage. Zach was nervous about what to say. He kept saying, “I know this is right. I just want to say the right things so he knows my heart.” Gracie said, “Just tell him that Stephanie is wonderful. We all love her and we want her to be part of our family.” Out of the mouths of babes. God is good. We are blessed!
Congratulations Zachary and Stephanie! May your life together be seriously blessed!
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Sometimes…
Disclaimer: Before we even start, I want you to know I don’t want your pity. Truth be told, I don’t need it, I truly live a very blessed life and I know that. I am grateful everyday for what I have been allowed to be a part of. That being said, I have been told quite a few times this past month, that I only see the good, that I have a Pollyanna attitude. So I thought I’d share….
Sometimes….
I wake up and I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s overcast, gloomy, the house is still quiet, a great day to just pull the blankets back up over my head. But then it starts, Lainey is yelling, and she will not go back to sleep. The day has started too early. I’m tired of long, hard days. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of watching others around me exercise (I miss my 7 a.m. workout buddies), and take vacations and watching others just hang out and have fun with their friends. I’m tired of trying to find a moment to bathe. I’m tired of the noise, the chaos, the dirty house. I’m tired of scratches on my floor, dust on the shelves, and the fingerprints that are EVERYWHERE!!!!
My usual day starts at 5:30, 6:00 if I’m really lucky, and goes non-stop from there until I fall into bed at 11. It starts with oral feedings and tube feedings, dispensing medications and shots to be given, then there’s the diaper changes and clothes to change and breakfast to prepare. Codey needs a bath. At 9 its time to get Jasmine up and transfer her out of bed, to the bathroom, help her get dressed, brush her teeth, etc. At 9:30 school starts and there’s work to be explained and corrected, little ones to teach and sing with, speech therapy and English to learn. All of a sudden lunch needs to be prepared, cleaned up. More school work, nap time for the littles, chores to be done and dinner to prepare. In between all of that there is laundry and dishes and more tidying up than I care to think about. Tube feedings x 5 and oral feedings for two x 5. There’s more diapers than I care to count and dirty faces to wash.
I get all excited when it’s time for bed, but then I remember there are 5 littles that I need to bathe and change and brush their teeth. They’d like a story or two or three Then it’s Jasmine’s turn, teeth, bathroom, clothes changed, transfer to the bed. Give Evi her shot. Tuck them all in. Sing them their songs. And then finally….bed. Glorious, wonderful, warm, soft bed.
And then…..Lainey wakes up. She rages. She yells. She doesn’t sleep. Every hour on the hour she is up. Last night it was 12, 1, 2:15, 3, 4:20, 5:30, and up for good at 6. Others take shifts when they can. But I’ve had three days of it in a row and I’m not as young as I used to be. And Evie is scared at night, Ben is having nightmares because he has surgery coming up, and all the littles seem to know something is up so everyone is a little more stressed.
I have read those books that say God doesn’t expect you to be so busy. I’ve read the articles about alone time and me time. But I wonder what could I cut out of my days right now? And heaven forbid I even joke about being busy. Do you know what the first words out of people’s mouths are? “Well, you asked for this. Don’t be complaining about it.”
BUT……sometimes a girl just needs to vent.
The house is a mess. My to do list just keeps growing. There are school papers to check and winter clothes to get out, summer clothes to put away. The yard is a mess. The car is sticky. The garage won’t hold a car. I’ve swallowed my pride more times than I care to admit when people visit because it is rare to find this house clean. Five littles move a lot of toys around. Five littles can make a very big mess. They laugh, they play, and I like it. I like it more than I like the crazy person I would have to be to keep it clean. So…..my house is messy.
But knowing what I know now, being as tired as I am, you might ask, “Would I still sign up for all of this again?” And the answer is “YES!” Yes, in a heart beat. Because when I take my eyes of “me”, I see the beauty in the miracle of all of it. Truly I do. I have listened to others who are angry and bitter because they didn’t know the extent of their child’s illness, but I am thankful. I am thankful because I know I would have said “No” if I had seen what Jasmine’s medical condition really was. I would have believed that I was too busy and left it for someone else to come forward. I would have said I would pray and then tried to let it go. I would have not signed on for Lainey’s autism either. I know I wouldn’t have. It scares me. I have watched friends go through terrible times. I’ve heard their tears as they sobbed about having to place their child to protect their other children. I know what may be in store for my sweet little Lainey, but I also know what her life would have been like in China. And she has made progress…real progress. Just yesterday she said “Dada”.
It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that I would have said “No!”. “No” because I am not strong enough. “No” because I am weak. “No” because my plate was full. And in saying “No” I would have missed the biggest blessing. Jasmine is joy and light and everything right with the world. Think about what you complain about every day and then compare it to her life. And yet she is happy. Truly happy. When I think about what she will go through, I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. But instead I will thank God for bringing me to her so she will never be alone again.
I am overwhelmed by worldly standards that say I should be fit and have a six pack, and my house should be clean, and I should wear the newest clothes, and be fashionable, and drive an awesome car, and live in a immaculate home, and travel the world, and retire when I’m 50. I should be sitting on the beach, drinking an umbrella drink or bettering myself in college or, or, or….. The list goes on and on.
I am overwhelmed when I listen to that voice that says “I’m not enough.” “I’m not as good as….” When I look in the mirror and I see an older me, a heavier me, a “man it would be nice to style my hair” me. Lainey was the tipping point for me. If Lainey was sleeping, I would have handled this all with relative ease. I’m pretty good at organizing. I’m pretty good at mothering and staying on top of things. Lainey and her lack of sleep has made me know that I am not enough. I have to ask for help and if you know me you know that I absolutely detest that. Truly I do, but it’s not about me. The Lord has placed all of this on my plate because for too long I have been in control except for times of crisis, for too long it’s been about me and what I could do.
But now….without Him….I wouldn’t make it through my days. Through Him I can be strong. Because of Him I know what is important. Because of Him I have been “gloriously ruined”!
I look at them and I wouldn’t change it. Not at all. Who would I not take? Where would they be? Life is busy. Life is hectic, but I have family that is so helpful. I have family that love each other and loves to be together. What a blessing that is. So when I am overwhelmed and tired, I remind myself that the only thing I can control is my attitude. I pick myself up and I look for the good in everything. I sit and laugh and play. I remember that I am not guaranteed tomorrow so I will appreciate today. I have fun each and every day. I laugh because I am surrounded by silly.
And then there is a quote from Katie Davis that I read whenever I feel overwhelmed.
“We bend. I bend to sweep crumbs and I bend to wipe vomit and I bend to pick up little ones and wipe away tears… And at the end of these days I bend next to the bed and I ask only that I could bend more, bend lower. Because I serve a Savior who came to be a servant. He lived bent low. And bent down here is where I see His face. He lived, only to die. Could I? Die to self and just break open for love. This Savior, His one purpose to spend Himself on behalf of messy us. Will I spend myself on behalf of those in front of me? And people say, “Don’t you get tired?” and yes, I do. But I’m face to face with Jesus in the dirt, and the more I bend the harder and better and fuller this life gets. And sure, we are tired, but oh we are happy. Because bent down low is where we find fullness of Joy.”
This is the truth. Not what the rest of the world would have you believe. It isn’t about me. It isn’t about the kids. It is about serving the Lord. It is about living my life as unto Him. He called. I followed out onto the ledge. Dan and I have talked each other out onto that ledge many times because we believed what God was calling us to do. The journey is not perfect. The journey has been hard. This journey though is blessed and beautiful and amazingly wonderful. I am tired but I am blessed. I rarely lose sight of that fact and when I do His word brings me back. So no I don’t have a Pollyanna attitude. I don’t even have my head in the clouds. I know how hard my life is and still I feel blessed because among the hard is so much beautiful my heart can barely hold all the love that I have been given.
So as I said before, please don’t ever pity me. I am living the life that I chose and love with all my heart. I have a husband who I adore who shares my dreams. I hear “I love you” more times each day than I can count. I have been blessed by beautiful children with the sweetest of souls.
So no pity, but you can, however, wipe up any fingerprints that you feel lead to clean, but please don’t ever date the dust because who knows when I will get to that.
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Do the difficult….
Sometimes a blog post gets stuck. You know what you want to say but you can’t find the words to adequately do it justice. There are just so many emotions wrapped up in it that you can’t even begin. I have been feeling that way the past couple of weeks. I have written and rewritten this post so many times. I have given up on trying to find the perfect words and decided instead to just write.
Friends, that we now have the privilege of knowing through the magic of Facebook, fought the hard battle to get their little girl Rini home from China. They and their agency went to battle to prove they could care for her, love her and give her the best possible chance at life. We talk about this being hard for the orphanage director and others in China to understand, but the reality is it is hard for most people to understand. Why would you adopt a child with such severe medical needs? Why would you go to battle for a child that may die before you can even get them home? Why would you open your heart to such pain? Why would you put the rest of your family through this?
WHY? Because God called! Because she is your daughter. Because you would do anything to rescue your child. Eric Ludy has a video called Depraved Indifference that tells it beautifully. If this was your child, would you not go to the ends of the earth to make sure she was safe?
The truth of the matter is, that we live in a country, during a time, that most people will find it too difficult to watch Mr. Ludy’s 7 minute video because they just don’t have the time. How can those same people be expected to wrap their minds around what Eric and Andrea have done?
I would like you to stop a moment and really look at Rini’s face. Don’t just glance over it. Does she not deserve love? Could you look at this face and say, “She does not deserve the love of a family?” There’s a quote that says it best. “We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.” – David Platt
From the beginning they have been doing the “hard”, the “difficult”. She didn’t come home pretty healthy and slowly decline. She was in the PICU in China. She is now awaiting a heart transplant. Her little heart stopped the other day. They are on borrowed time. Yet, they are honored to be her parents. Why do you think that is? Do you think it is just because they have some supernatural ability that the rest of us don’t have? Do you think it’s because they are somehow stronger? Do you think they’ve lost their minds?
Well, you’d be wrong on all accounts. What they have is faith. What they have is trust. What they believe with their whole hearts is that this is a child worth fighting for. This is their daughter!!!! What would you do for your daughter?
If you’ve been called, then your child is waiting some where. I want you to really, truly let that soak in your mind. If you have been called by God to adopt and you are not proceeding for whatever excuse you allow yourself to think, then your child is hurting and alone and you are doing NOTHING!
All around the world, children are born in countries where the “least of these” are hidden away. Parents are told right at birth that their child must be put in an institution. Children who look like this (before) while they are being cared for in an infant institution are then transferred at a very young age to an adult institution (after) where it is estimated 70-80% of children die in the first year.
Can you look at Kyle’s sweet face and say that he didn’t deserve the love of a family?
Well, the truth is, he didn’t get a family and he recently just passed away.
You want to blame God for these problems?
Nope, can’t do. We have free will. Man chose to put Kyle in the orphanage. Man chose to leave him in the orphanage. Man chose to treat him like he didn’t matter. Man chose to not step up. Man chose not to be the hands and feet of God. Man chose not to adopt him and he died.
That makes the blame ours…..not Gods.
If we say we are Christians, and we do nothing to help the least of these, then we are not practicing true religion as God says in James 1:27.
We have to stop treating these children like they don’t matter.
That is in essence what we do when we turn our backs.
When we don’t read the stories, because it is just too sad.
When we don’t stand up for the least of these because we don’t have the time.
When we say that it’s another country and they should take care of their own.
When we pretend it isn’t happening and just go about our business.
When we make excuses for why we can’t adopt or sponsor or foster.
We are in fact saying that these children do not deserve to be loved.
Because in an institution they may have food and clothing but they do NOT have love.
We know this fact first hand. We have watched our children blossom with love.
We have seen them on day one, dejected, sad, and withdrawn because every moment they spend in an institution chips away at their humanity.
Babies are meant to be held and loved not spend their day lying in a crib.
Children are meant to be hugged and praised and loved.
And with each hug and “I love you” they became a little more alive.
Every child wants a mother and a father. They may not know what that truly means but they know very early on that the word family is a wonderful thing.
We are failing.
We have been called to do more.
We are asked to do the difficult.
I’ve read so many blogs from parents who are doing the difficult. Rini’s parents. Lizzie’s parents. Ruthie’s parents. Katie’s parents. Ruby’s parents. Jenny’s parents. The list goes on and on. I am moved every time I read one of their stories because they didn’t choose the easy road. They didn’t turn their back because they thought it might be hard. They stepped up and took that first step in faith not knowing where their journey would take them.
Rini’s mom talked about what constitutes winning in Rini’s life. She says she feels like many people believe life equals winning and death equals losing. But then she read a quote by Art Spiegelman from the book Maus. “So it’s as though life equals winning, and death equals losing, and the victims are then to blame. But the best didn’t live and the worst didn’t die. It was random.”
It is the same way with a child in an orphanage. They are not somehow “less than” because they ended up there. It was random. They were born in the wrong country or to parents who couldn’t or wouldn’t provide. Your children do not deserve all that they have because they are somehow better. You do not deserve this blessed life because you are somehow better. By random luck you were born at this time, in this country, with all the blessings that you have.
Winning in life isn’t about acquiring the most toys. Winning isn’t about being famous, or rich. Winning isn’t being the fittest, retiring the earliest, living the most selfish, self-centered life that you can. That is NOT winning!
Stop closing your eyes. Stop pretending this isn’t happening. 147+ million orphans. Thousands upon thousands available for adoption as I write this.
God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called.
If all we think about is ourselves, then we are not doing what we were called to do. We raise children who believe they can only be children once. Everything in their lives revolves around them and they spend their lives wanting more, expecting more. Life is can be difficult. Life has responsibilities. Life requires giving and loving even when it hurts. If you are going through life and nothing stretches you, nothing makes you hurt, then you best be looking a little harder at your life. I’m not talking about trying to wake up at 5 and exercise or diet a little more, or running that 1/2 marathon, that’s all fine and dandy. What I’m talking about is the fact that life should stretch you outside of yourself. What are you doing for others? How are you giving of yourself?
C.S. Lewis says it best “I’m afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare…If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, they are too small.
Stop thinking small!
Stop waiting for others to fix it!
Stand up for what you believe is right!
Do the difficult!
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November 3rd – Orphan Sunday
Does your church look like the hands and feet of Christ?
Please take a moment to read this and consider how you proceed the next time you hear someone is adopting.
Recently, I have been added to a couple different adoption groups who have been discussing the issue of fundraising for adoptions. I see all these posts from people who say God is leading them…
which makes me believe they are Christians…
which automatically makes me wonder about their church.
I truly believe that God will provide. I honestly do. I have seen amazing things happen with our own adoptions. I have been completely blown away by God’s provisions. If you are called, then God will provide, BUT what if the church is supposed to be part of that provision? Yes, I know we have to spend money on outreach, missions, saving souls, etc. but what better way to bring a soul to Christ then to show them the love of Christ? Because of this, I believe churches should be passing the plate to collect fees for adoptions over and over again. We should all be happy to help a child find a family because God commands us. He COMMANDS us! He doesn’t mention it in passing. Churches should be the backbone of the fostering and adoption movement.
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless. What does your religion look like?
We should be the hands and feet of God. If everyone gave a little, instead of holding on so tightly to the blessings, that God has given in the first place, then much could be accomplished. That is not to say that families shouldn’t be spending their own money, but if they need help the church should be a safe place that they can go to for help.
Your church is small you say? Hold a garage sale. Everyone has stuff they don’t need anymore. Have a chili supper. Help them with free babysitting so they can work a part-time job. Hold a can drive. Collect change. Make and sell t-shirts. Do something. Anything! Be creative! We did not need financial assistance from our church but our church was great with encouragement, prayers, and meals. Knowing others are there to help goes a long way in not feeling alone.
Too many people are adopting you say. You can’t help them all. Oh, to have such a problem! For God to be calling so many in your church that you feel overwhelmed, what a problem to have. What a blessing. Maybe instead of saying “Oh, there is another family wanting money to bring home an orphan.” Change it to “I have helped another child find a family.” What if at the end of your life you could proudly say “I helped bring 50 children home.” What a testament to what your life stood for – to help the poor, the orphan, the widow. What better way to be a good and faithful servant?
One of my favorite passages from the Bible is Acts 4:32-35 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need.
How does your church look compared to this?
To be the hands and feet of Christ is not a burden it is a blessing. Open your heart and your eyes to the need. Help a family in need with both spiritual and monetary support.
1 John 3:17 But whoever has the world’s goods, and beholds his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him?
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God winks….
While we were in Boston, we met a little girl named Paige. We met Paige while we were waiting in line to get a blood draw. Her dad had gone to sign her in. I was ahead of him in this same line. When I came back to where Dan and Ben were sitting, I found my husband chatting with this sweet little girl in a wheelchair. (What many people don’t know about my husband is that he is a sucker for little kids, especially sweet little kids who are ill.) This little girl was full of personality and smiles. She told us she gets twice a week blood draws. She knows what fun picture is on every CT scanner. Just a little over two weeks ago she had a liver/kidney transplant. Yet, here she was smiling her huge smile and showing us her Spider-Man shirt complete with webs under her arms. She loved Ben Ben’s Superman cape. She discussed many things. She had one of the sweetest souls around and a tiny voice full of life and joy. She asked Ben if he had any brothers and sisters and when Dan answered 11, she took a minute and answered “Your house must be really noisy.” She is wise beyond her years, which was all of 8. Dan stopped to talk to her after Ben’s blood draw and wished her well.
We walked off and Dan got very quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he said she is very, very sick. He hadn’t asked the dad what she had but it was easy to see the sadness in her daddy’s eyes and to connect the dots with all she had going on. I wished I had gotten her full name and address so my children could write to her. But with the wonder of all that is google I found this picture and some articles on her. Her family talks over and over again about their faith. I could see all of their faith and love shining through in this little girl’s face. She knows she is loved. She knows there is a bigger picture.
I have seen this over and over again. Sometimes children who aren’t dealt the fairest cards in life, really truly are wise beyond their years and have sweet, sweet souls. They have faith that is unwavering. They see joy in every day life, where we get caught up in the smallest of troubles, that won’t matter a year from now, they stay in the moment and enjoy life. I know this is true because I have been blessed with many children with just such souls.
After having gone to China and come home with not one, but many of these souls I would say that blessings abound when you put away your fear and step out and take that first step in faith. I know that there will be those who call me a Pollyanna. They think I only see the good and walk around with my head in the clouds, but people that say those things are the same people who have never met my children in person.
Everyone who came in contact with Ben while we were in Boston commented on what a sweet boy he was. You have to remember this was during a very stressful time for him. He doesn’t want to be sick. He doesn’t want to have surgery. He is afraid and yet he went in to that hospital, dressed in a Superman cape and Spider-Man gloves and treated everyone kindly and with a big heart.
This same little boy others say wasn’t worth the money spent on his adoption because of his shortened life span, finds joy in everthing. This boy is a treasure. He believes in God. He prays every time he hears a siren. He prays for the families of the victims, he prays for the driver and the workers, and he prays for whoever is hurt. This boy is a treasure. This boy is a gift worth more than any small adoption fee. This boy was fading fast in an institution and I wonder how many more souls, that are just like Ben, are there……waiting and waiting and waiting because they have a diagnosis that is out of the perspective families comfort zone. How many are waiting, just like Jasmine? How many?
We were told that there was no fix for Benjamin and while that is true, we learned this week at Boston Children’s Hospital that there is a surgery that we can do to make him pinker and slow down the progression of his pulmonary hypertension. That is wonderful news. Ben will have surgery Thanksgiving week and we will be thankful for a chance at a longer, healthier life.
I talked to many families in the waiting room at Boston Children’s Hospital. We heard story after story of families being told there was no hope only to have other families reach out to them and encourage them to get a second opinion. All of them heard what we heard, there is hope and HOPE is a beautiful thing.
Boston was very thorough. They were very kind. Everyone treated Ben very well, so well in fact, that he is okay with going back and having surgery. Steve our nurse for the three days we were admitted, found Ben a Spiderman car to give to him when he came back from his cath. Ben hasn’t wanted surgery, but Ben needs surgery. He is sleeping more, unable to walk very far without sitting down to catch his breathe, just not gaining weight, and dropping his sats in the low 60’s. He needs this procedure and for him to feel comfortable with going back is a such a blessing to us.
We are feeling very blessed this week. Everything went well with Ben. Mom got moved to a skilled nursing home in Fort Dodge where she can get rehab to regain her strength and all her friends and more of her family are closer. Plus, to top it off we got put in touch with the Muscular Dystrophy Association who are loaning us a power wheelchair for Jasmine to use until things can be worked out with the insurance company. Jasmine needs her independence and this is one way for her to have it.
On another note, in an only God could moment, while I was sitting in the pre-op waiting room, I received a message on Facebook from another mom in one of my heart groups on line. She asked if we were in Boston, from a post I had made asking for Prayers for Ben. It turns out this family recently adopted a little girl from China who was in Boston having surgery that very day. Plus, they live about 20 minutes from us at home AND the adopted another son from China who is hard of hearing AND they homeschool. You can call it a coincidence if you want but I know it was a Godcidence. Please keep their daughter, Ruthie, and her family in your prayers. She still has many more days in the hospital and we know what a roller coaster ride that can be.
Where we were staying, there was a food court attached to the hotel. Ben loved the noodles at the Asian restaurant. He opened two fortune cookies while we were there and each one said something about “heart”. One of my Facebook friends called them God winks. I like that!
Hoping others will step out in faith and adopt more of these special children both domestically and internationally. People are called to many different places. Who are we to question what God places on our hearts? Pay attention to the God winks that are all around you. He speaks to our hearts in many, many ways.
Thank you again for the prayers. Please keep Ruthie and Paige in your prayers also.
Keep your heart open to wherever God may be leading.
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God is good!
Every day I wake up and look at this little face and I feel so blessed. God worked miracles to get him home to me and I never, ever take a moment of that for granted.
He is seriously the cutest little thing. He is the lowest maintenance of any of the kids. He is happy almost all the time and says thank you for everything. He’ll eat whatever you put in front of him. He’s helpful and kind and loving and just so sweet! He is Evie’s best friend. I think about what he was like in China sometimes. He cried A LOT! I slept standing up because you couldn’t even sit down holding him when he was sleeping. He refused to eat or drink for the first three days. We had to force him to swallow fluids off of a spoon. He whined about everything. He wouldn’t come to me. He only wanted Dan for the first day. It was hard.
Had I not been so in love with him for so long, I’m not sure what I would have done. He was a handful. But I knew he was meant to be my son from the very first moment I saw his face and I knew there was no turning back. Over the past year, I watched as God worked out miracle after miracle for him to join our family and I knew there was a plan…no matter how afraid I was.
We waited months for his paperwork to become available. We were sure his paperwork was just not going to become available so we proceeded with Lainey and Evie. Then China allowed us to add Jasmine because she was going to age out soon. Eli’s papers became available after we had already agreed to the three girls. We decided to proceed knowing we may have to turn around and go back to get him after we got home with the girls. But we had prayed and prayed and every one of those prayers were answered. First, that they would allow us to get preapproval, then we watched as papers were expedited at every step. Everything was falling into place. We could have everything done before we traveled. Would China allow us to add him so that we didn’t have to turn around and travel again six months later? They told us the odds were against us. The chance of them allowing a fourth child during one trip was unheard of. But the doors opened and we once again got the okay. There were just so many things that had to happen for him to become our son and every one of them happened.
God is good. SO.VERY.GOOD!
It would have been almost impossible to go back and get Eli with my mom being sick and all the surgeries with Ben and Evie. I’m not sure with as hard as it has been with Lainey that I would have thought I could handle another child. But God worked all things out in perfect time and I am forever blessed by being allowed the blessing of being Eli’s mama.
Right now it is midnight. In just a few hours we will travel to Boston for Ben’s heart catherization. It’s been a rough decision and he is not happy about surgery in any way, shape, or form. He has cried almost every time we have talked about it. It is hard with a five year old. You don’t want to just spring it on them, but you are limited by what they can understand. So you talk to them about the procedures and hope that you haven’t said too much.
Today a dear friend stopped by with a Superman shirt that is extra awesome and a Hot Wheel dinosaur car. Ben was thrilled. It took his mind off of things for a while. He felt special because she stopped by just for him. He had to put the shirt on right away and hasn’t taken it off yet. I told him I should wash it if he is going to wear it tomorrow, but he said “No!”
There is a home that does daycare on the corner on one of the streets on the way to Mercy Hospital. We actually stopped there a week ago when they were having a garage sale. They had a little tykes pirate ship in the yard that Ben has wanted. Every time we drive by it, he comments about how cool it is. We have looked on line and couldn’t find the same ship. I’ve even been checking Ebay and Craigslist. Nothing! But this afternoon as I was driving by on my way to visit mom, I noticed it was for sale in their yard. This yard has a ton of Little Tykes play houses and cars and slides, but the only big thing for sale was the pirate ship. I was in Cassie’s small car so I rolled down my window and asked her if it was indeed for sale and how much it was. She said $20 and I happily paid it and asked for her to hold it for me. Later I drove the bus over to pick it up. I asked her why she sold the ship and she said that for some reason she just thought it should be sold. I then told her about how Ben has driven by her yard for over a year now and has always commented on that ship. I told her that he was really upset about leaving for surgery tomorrow but the ship had made his night. All the way home, Ben commented over and over again how this was THE.BEST.DAY.EVER!!!!! As we drove off, she said she would be praying for him.
Again I say, “God is good.”
Ben hasn’t been upset tonight. He went to bed holding his dinosaur car and talking about what a wonderful, awesome day it was. I am feeling very blessed tonight and am as ready as I can be for the next step with Benjamin! How could I not be when God shows himself in even the smallest details of my little boy’s life?
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Update 6,422 (or something like that)
I may or may not have been told by numerous people that it’s time to update. So here is my excuse, finding time to sit at the computer without sticky fingers around, is extremely difficult. I often update on Facebook because it’s easy to do quickly while sitting at the hospital. But tonight, all the stars finally aligned and I am sitting in my mom’s hospital room at midnight, things are quiet, and I remembered my computer. I know. I know….shocking. I just might get this update finished.
Now where to start, there is just so much that has happened since Evie’s surgery and Ben’s birthday.
Let’s start with EVIE and the new word I learned yesterday.
Arborization. Isn’t that a lovely word? Truly it is. You can take my word for it. Eight weeks ago, Evie had a BT shunt placed. After a scare where she clotted off her shunt, and an emergency trip to the cath lab, she has done wonderfully. Four weeks ago, we had an appointment where we discussed the fact that her oxygen saturations were still in the high 60’s. Dr. Divekar was not thrilled about those numbers and said that he was quite concerned that she wouldn’t be a candidate for the Glenn. I went home upset and called Dan, who was away on a business trip. He said with great certainty, “I don’t believe that. I think she will do wonderfully and I believe this is due to her pulmonary emboli from the clotted shunt.” He is usually right so I was relieved.
The hope after surgery was that with more blood flow to her pulmonary arteries, they would grow, which would make her a better candidate for the Glenn. Wednesday she had her follow-up heart cath and we got wonderful news. The left lung is still not getting much blood flow, BUT the right lung is getting plenty of blood flow from the shunt. Her right pulmonary artery grew 2 mms wider in 8 short weeks. But the best news (and I wish I would have thought to get video) is the arborization in her lung. What that means is instead of there being very limited blood flow as the blood comes out of the artery, there is what looks like a tree. The artery being the trunk and the vessels coming off the branches. It was such a beautiful sight. On top of that her pulmonary pressures were down. All of this means she is a candidate for the second stage surgery, the Glenn, in the next 3-4 months. And all of that means she has a chance for a longer life. Praise the Lord!
She was a trooper. After being scared initially, she laid flat and took a nap. Laying flat for six hours is no small feat for a two year old. She charmed everyone when she woke up by blowing kisses and waving good-bye. She is such a beautiful soul.
LAINEY AND JASMINE
Last night we had an appointment with neurology for Jasmine and Lainey. We haven’t had a lot of information before this. We pretty much know their diagnoses based on the information we have before us. We just don’t have all the testing behind it to have a medically conclusive test giving us a definitive diagnosis.
We have been trying to get Lainey to settle in and see where her base-line is going to be. I think we are finally there. I will say that most of the time she is a happy girl. She has started to have some purposeful play. She giggles and runs and plays. She even understands to bring her lips to yours for a kiss. She has started making some sounds and that “mmmmmaaa” is going to be mama very soon. Her diet has been the easiest thing to handle, which is funny because it was my biggest fear. Truth be told, I wish we were only dealing with what I was initially concerned about. Temper tantrums over not being able to have McDonalds would be much preferred over PTSD nightmares that send her into a not really awake state raging for 30 minutes or more. The good news is that these are not daily occurrences any more and they rarely happen during the day. She is still having seizures that are short in duration and happen many times during the day. She also doesn’t sleep for any long periods of time. This has been the hardest on our family. We all take turns doing the “Lainey shift”. She sleeps for maybe 3 hours and then wakes every hour on the hour. This isn’t a you can just let her play in her crib or cry herself to sleep issue. If you leave her alone, she will rage. It’s not a good thing. When Lainey is awake, you are awake. She gets up for good any time after 3:30 a.m.
They are going to schedule a 24 hour EEG for her to try and capture her seizures. If you’ve met Lainey, you know that this is going to be a most enjoyable stay (truly wish I had a sarcasm font). For those of you who don’t know Lainey, let’s just say that it took 10 minutes and three people to hold her still for me to trim her bangs.
Look at that smile! She is a beautiful little girl who is improving each and every day. We’ve come so far in the five months since she has been home. Truly we have. I don’t know where she will end up but the little girl you see today has made so much progress. We have hope that she will continue to improve.
Jasmine. Where do I start? First off, we know it is some sort of muscular disease. She has lost so much muscle tone already. They need to do a muscle biopsy for a definitive diagnosis. Her scoliosis is starting to hamper her comfort and it is thought that we will have to do surgery in the next 6 months. For those of you keeping track, that will be at least 4 heart caths, 4 heart surgeries and a major back surgery in 6 months time. And no I’m not complaining. I’m just stating the facts. Sometimes it is a little overwhelming. It’s a good thing I can do all things through Him who strengthens me because this is so much more than I can handle on my own.
The hardest part for me with Jasmine is just the loss of dreams. They will have a mandarin interpreter for her when we do her echo, pulmonary function test and see ortho. Jasmine wants to run. She wants to play. Instead of saying “Yes, we can fix this.” We have to tell her that she has to have a 6-10 hour surgery that will require that she lies flat for six weeks. I hate making her cry. She is such a happy girl with a wonderful smile. I love to make her laugh. I love to see that smile spread across her face. I don’t want to take away her dreams or disappoint her in any way.
She knows though. I know in her heart she knows the truth. I know this because Gracie has told me that Jasmine said she doesn’t want to be in the hospital like nana. She doesn’t want to be sick and she is scared. I’m happy we adopted her despite the pain in my heart for what she will have to endure. I feel blessed every single day that I get to be her mama. She really is a very special little girl. When people say, “I don’t know how you do it. I could never do that.” I believe they are missing the point. Because when you take your eyes off of yourself, then you know the truth. It doesn’t matter what I can do. The point is Jasmine will not be going through all of this alone. She may lose all ability to move, but she will know she is safe. That is what it is about. Jasmine. It’s all about perspective. You can feel sorry for yourself or you can feel blessed for being a part of a much bigger picture. A brighter future for a little girl who deserves to be loved with great abandon until the day she draws her last breathe. She should feel safe and loved and cared for. It’s not that Jasmine deserves more than other children. The truth is ALL children deserve the love of a family. The fact that we, as Christians, have lost sight of this fact breaks my heart.
Jasmine just wrote an essay for our upcoming six month post placement report. China has six questions they want you to answer. Cassie can read enough Chinese to get the gist of it. Jasmine stated that she loves her family. That she is very happy. That she loves school. She is doing remarkably well. We started school in September and we are through Kindergarten and first grade and well into second grade. She can write and count to 100, by twos, by fives, by tens. She can read some. She can add and subtract. She is a very bright girl and is excited to learn.
BENJAMIN
Benjamin has a heart catherization scheduled in Boston on the 28th. His has been the hardest decision to make. There aren’t many five year olds with uncorrected transposition around. It is so hard deciding what to do. Is it overkill to take him to Boston? Maybe? I don’t know. But when it comes to your child, you want to give them the very best chance that you can. You want them to be operated on with the most experienced hands you can find so that is what we are going to do.
Ben is not happy about surgery. He is a smart boy and knew something was up. When we initially started discussing this with him, he told us that Eli could have surgery but he was fine. He finally agreed to surgery as long as it could be performed at home. Now he says he will agree to surgery in the hospital as long as Spiderman performs the surgery. This came after he saw this picture from another heart mom’s blog.
Ben loves his superheroes. He dresses like Superman when he goes to the hospital. I think if the surgeon dressed like this, Ben would happily go into surgery. I wonder what the odds of talking the doctor into this would be?
MY MAMA
Which brings us to my mama, we are still in the ICU. She recently had a liver biopsy to try and figure out why her bilirubin just doesn’t want to come down very quickly. The good news is that her liver is not in failure. It is just in shock. She doesn’t feel like eating. She is very weak. She is in pain and can’t take any medication because her liver is not functioning well and her kidneys have failed. She is very weak and has a long road ahead of her. The good news is that she should get there. The bad news is she is beyond frustrated. On top of that, she gets confused and keeps trying to get out of bed. So far we have had two falls out of bed in the ICU. No injuries but she is scaring everyone.
FUN TIMES
As you can see, we have settled into our new normal and life is just smoothly moving along. (Still can’t find the sarcasm font.) Truly though, I love the noise and the chaos of it all. I love looking out into my sunroom and seeing the five littles play together. I love seeing Jasmine and Gracie all snuggled up in bed watching you-tube videos and singing. I am blessed to have Cassie and Zach still be here and willingly help with my mom and all the others. I am blessed to have Dan’s mom help out with the kids so I can be with my mama. I am blessed that no matter how much happens in our lives, Dan and I know who is in control and rely on each other to make it through.
It hasn’t all been sad. We have plenty of fun times in the midst of all the struggles.
We went to the Renaissance Fair.
We went to the zoo.
We took Jasmine to the Casting Crowns Concert at the Iowa State Fair.
The girls went to the Women of Faith Conference
And the usual fun grocery runs to Wal-Mart which get us many comments from “You have your hands full.” to “Are you running an Asian day care?” to “Where did all these kids come from?” Never a dull moment at our house!
Thank you for taking the time to ask me how it was going and to truly be concerned about our family. As always, thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
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This is just a test…
This is my mama on a much better day. She is the one standing behind the couch. She always refuses to get in pictures. It also shows my mother-in-law and four of the seven granddaughters.
I’ve been meaning to write an update on my mom for some time now, but finding the time to sit down and type it out was almost impossible. On September 11th, my mom underwent open heart surgery (OHS). She ended up needing four bypass grafts. She came through the surgery remarkably well. She had some issues with her blood pressure, but otherwise was doing remarkably well. She spent her time in the ICU and went to the floor. She had been doing really well and was told she would be released Tuesday morning, the 18th.
Last Monday afternoon (the 17th) I stopped with my crew to visit with Nana. She wasn’t looking very good and had just had an issue with low blood pressure again. I took the kids home, picked up Dan, and by the time we got back she was white as a sheet. They called the Rapid Response team and started i.v. fluids. They needed to start her on drugs that couldn’t be given on the floor so they started the calls to admit her back to the ICU. We headed down with her. They went through the ICU doors and into her room. They asked us to wait outside in the waiting area until they got her settled. No more than two minutes had passed when the floor nurse came out and said they had started chest compressions. What?!?! Was my only response. Well, truth be told, I might have said WTH. Not proud of that, but I was just so upset. She had just been talking to me and now they were doing compressions? They got her heart rate back and let us go see her. She started having rhythm issues again and they asked us to step out. By the time we got to the hallway, they had called a code blue to room 31, ICU. Life can change in a moment.
Her kidneys and liver went into failure. They thought her gall bladder was infected and took her to CT to put in a drain. Her blood pressure wouldn’t stay up. Her heart went from v-tach to a-fib. She went from 66 kilos (145 pounds) to 89.6 kilos (197 pounds) from fluid retention. She had a pulmonary effusion where they pulled off 1800 mls of fluid off her chest (60 oz. for us metric challenged folks). Her temp dropped to 34.4. Tim and I have been spending our time seeing who could figure out her temp the quickest. 34.4 x 9/5 + 32 or google it. Google works pretty darn quick. He has yet to beat me. Yes, you find many unique ways to entertain yourself in the ICU. She is on dialysis. She is still on the ventilator. She is very, very sick.
But today there is a glimmer of Hope, maybe even a ray of hope. Today her blood pressure is staying up without medication. Today her rhythm issues are being controlled by medication and not the external pacemaker. She is able to breath on her own with minimal help from the ventilator so hopefully she can get extubated in the next day or two. She lost 8 kilos yesterday alone. She is still on dialysis, but since her blood pressure is okay they are able to pull of fluid through the dialysis machine. She is moving her arms and responding appropriately when asked questions.
Life is complicated to say the least. I love when the devotionals you read say just what you need them to and Max Lucado’s has done just that the past two days.
Each day has a pop quiz! And some seasons are like final exams. Brutal, sudden pitfalls of stress, sickness, or sadness. What’s the purpose of the test? James 1:3-4 says, “For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.”
Test, test, test! This chapter in your life may look like rehab, smell like unemployment, sound like a hospital, but you’re in training. God hasn’t forgotten you, just the opposite. He has chosen to train you. Forget the notion that God doesn’t see your struggle. Quite the contrary. God is fully engaged. He is the Potter, we are the clay. He’s the Shepherd, we’re the sheep. He’s the Teacher, we’re the students. Trust His training. You’ll get through this!
And todays….
God can make something good out of your mess! The test you’re experiencing will become your testimony. 2nd Corinthians 1:4-5 says, “God comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone who’s going through hard times so we can be there for that person, just as God was there for us.”
You didn’t sign up for this crash course in single parenting? No, God enrolled you. He’s taken the intended evil and rewoven it into this curriculum. Why? So you can teach others what He’s taught you. Rather than say, “God, why?” ask “God, what?” What can I learn from this experience? Rather than ask God to change your circumstances, ask Him to use your circumstances to change you.
Life is a required course. Might as well do your best to pass it! You will get through this!
Thank you for the prayers and encouragement. She has a long, long road ahead of her, but she is a fighter and I believe she will get through this!
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Ben Ben is 5
I can remember how I felt the day I first saw his picture. The little “Tigger” we had been praying for.
I prayed and prayed that the family, who had his paperwork, would decide to not lock his file. I knew he was my son from that very first moment. I still remember Dan’s face when I came home and asked what the cardiologist had said. Tears on his face, Dan told me that he was our son and we may not have him long but we were going to go get him and love him every single day until God called him home and “Tigger” would never, ever be alone again. I have loved Dan for a long time, over 30 years now, and I can honestly say that I have never loved him more than at that very moment.
I can still vividly see Ben’s sad, sweet face when he walked through that door at the Registration Office. I can see Dan’s face as he ran to the door to get his boy and how he held Ben so close. How Benjamin held on to Dan and would not let go. I can still picture that outfit, he came in, that looked like a Harley Davidson biker jacket.
I can hear his very first laugh. He sounded hoarse, like he hadn’t laughed in a very long time.
I remember how he stood there and stared at our dresser drawer full of food and slept with his bowl and spoon. I remember crying because he was so thin. My heart hurt knowing what he had gone through in the 3 1/2 years before he became our son.
I remember him looking so sad every time we left the hotel, like he was afraid we were going to take him back.
I remember thinking it was all worth it no matter how much time we got. He was worth it.
He asked that we call him Ben Ben. We didn’t know why until we traveled to China this year. In China, it is a form of endearment to double up child’s first name. I remember how sweet he was with Dan and how much they loved each other from the very first moment they met.
Just recently we discussed Evie’s scar and Ben told me that he knows that he and Eli need surgery for their hearts but he was okay with not having it and Eli could just go. He is nervous. He understands that we are worried. He understands the hushed tones and the planning. He has been hospitalized a couple of times now. Ben gets tired. He still takes naps. He is still very, very blue.
He rests a lot, but he still has fun. He runs and plays and drives his cozy coupe all over the house.
He chases his siblings all around the yard and house. He is a happy, happy boy.
He is truly the sweetest boy. He is caring and thoughtful. He is very, very bright. He is a wonderful addition to our family. He was a huge step of faith that brought us immeasurable blessings.
Maisey and Ben, met that day in March, for the very first time. They had never met before, but they were instantly friends. The little boy who wouldn’t talk and the girl who couldn’t hear still communicated. Maisey and Ben are still the very best friends.
Benjamin dreams of being an epic cook, a train conductor, Jake, an Octonaut or Doc McStuffins. He sings and dances. He loves Superman and Spiderman.
Birthdays are bittersweet. On one hand it means that he has been with us just that much longer and on the other hand it means another day has passed that I can’t get back and he has limited days. In reality we all do, Ben’s condition just makes it that much more apparent. We should all enjoy each and every day we have with our family. Some days it is easier to do that than others, but Benjamin makes me think about what is really important. Benjamin makes me a better person. Benjamin has made my walk with Christ all that much closer. I have a trust in God’s plan that I never had before. Benjamin made taking a chance on Evie and Eli, an easy decision because we knew how blessed you can be when taking that first step in faith.
Ben has a joy for life that is contagious and a style that is all his own. I remember praying that I would get at least a day with Ben and now I have been blessed with 538. 538 glorious days! What a blessed mama I have been to be able to call him son.
Today we will be happy. Today we will have a Jake and the Neverland Pirate’s party. We will eat cake and ice cream. Today we will not think about the future or what may be. Today we will celebrate all that Ben’s life is. Ben has big plans and has asked all his siblings to dress up for the occasion. Today we will sing Happy Birthday and hold our boy tight. Praying that we have another year as beautiful and blessed as this one. Today, we will live in the today. Because, truth be told, that is all that any of us really have.
Happy birthday sweet Ben Ben. May God continue to bless you and hold you near. What a blessing you have been to our family.
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Questions and answers
While we were in the hospital, I was asked quite a few different questions about our family. It got me to thinking about all the questions people ask me when we are out and about and the statements that are said while we discuss our family and adoption . This got me to thinking that maybe some of my readers might have the same questions so I thought I’d try my best to answer them.
You aren’t actually considering adopting more are you?
Well, we haven’t ruled it out completely, I am assuming we are done. Our house is pretty busy with all the special needs and surgeries going on, but I believe fully that God has led us to all of our children. He has blessed our family over and over again by following His lead and it would be insane for me to say “No” to him now. Besides whenever I say things that are absolute it usually turns out the other way. I will leave it in His hands and keep my focus on the children we are caring for right now and pray that if there is another child(ren) in this world that are meant to be with us that He makes it abundantly clear as quickly as possible so they are not alone for any longer than is necessary.
Let’s see how you feel about having so many children the same age when they are teenagers.
Truth be told, bring it on. I pray that I get the chance to parent five teenagers at the same time. Eli, Ben, and Evie all have very complex heart defects and their life span will be shortened. No one can tell us for sure how long they have. They may have many years or at any time they may have a weird rhythm issue or plug a shunt and then their lives will end. Every time we go in for a cath or a surgery, we live with the fact that they may not come back out from surgery. We have to ask ourselves questions like “Is it worth it to take the slim chance of survival from surgery or do we just enjoy the time he/she has left?” These are not easy questions to answer. I pray to God that I am allowed the wonderful opportunity to parent five teenagers that have three and 1/2 years separating them.
Are you insane? Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
No, I am not crazy, insane or any of the other phrases that you might ask. I am, however, obedient to God’s calling. The first time it was hard to turn it all over to Him, but when you see the blessings that have been bestowed on you for following….well, each time gets just a little bit easier until you know it would be insane not to follow His lead.
What about your other kids at home? Do they feel neglected? Do they resent sharing their time?
No, if anyone should have had a problem with us adopting more children, it would be Gracie. She was the baby at the time. But Gracie loves her siblings and brings me new pictures of children available for adoption almost every single day. She has mentioned wishing she could hypnotize Dan and I so we would forget how many children we have and adopt again. Jasmine informed me the other day that “I could love more”. When asking her what she meant by this, she informed me that I could love more sisters. When I asked her how many more, she informed me that I could love two more mei mei (little sisters) and two more jie jie (older sisters). She told me that she would share her room and they could fit bunk beds in there.
You must have lots of help.
I don’t have paid help, but I do have help with my older children who live at home in an apartment, in our garage, on our acreage. When we moved here 11 years ago, we wondered what we would do with a 9 car garage. We chose to turn the back 6 into an apartment for the kids as they go to college. Cassie is a junior at Iowa State University and she has arranged her schedule to be here every morning while we get everyone up and ready. Zach, a software engineer who works from home, helps out whenever I need a sitter. Dan works from home during the week and Dan’s mom comes down whenever I ask.
Who takes care of the house and the other children while Dan and you are in the hospital with your sick child?
We have gone back and forth on the right way to do this each and every time we are in the hospital. If you know Codey’s story, you know we have spent years in the hospital. We were lucky when Codey was in the hospital because we lived in Iowa City at the time. It makes it harder when you have to travel. Each time our family gets bigger, it gets more complicated. In the end, we have decided both Dan and I need to be in the hospital. Dan because of his medical expertise and me, well, because I’m mommy of course. It would be nice if we could go to a hospital in our home town, but that isn’t an option. Zach, Cassie and Mema (Dan’s mom), take care of things on the homefront. This usually works great for short stays. It is like a mini vacation full of fun when they get to spend their days with their older siblings. Every family has to figure out what works best for them and so far, this works for us.
How many children do you have at home? How many children do you have all together?
We have twelve children. Eleven still living. Kyle passed away at five days of age, twenty-six years ago. All eleven children live at home. Zach and Cassie are roommates in the apartment and the other nine live in our home. Our oldest son, Codey, is severely mentally and physically challenged and continues to reside in our home.
How do you cart everyone around?
We have a bus. Yes, a bus! The children love it. I love it too except for the six miles per gallon that it gets. It has a wheelchair lift and room for sixteen passengers, two wheelchairs, and the driver. This is another reason why the girls think we should be able to adopt more. Apparently, if there is room in the bus, there is room to adopt.
Is your house huge?
It is a nice size ranch house. It has three bedrooms upstairs and three downstairs. We remodeled to a more open concept a couple years after moving in and it has worked out wonderfully for Jasmine’s wheelchair. We have a big sunroom that we have converted into a playroom for the kids. It is big and sunny and they have lots of room to play.
How do you pay for all of this? Isn’t adoption expensive?
Yes, it does add up but it doesn’t cost much more than a car these days. You can find a way to pay for things if you truly want. It takes a good year to complete the adoption and your agency will set out exactly at each step when the fees need to be paid.
We wiped out our savings. We adopted more than one at a time so the travel costs would be less. Only paying for one trip at a time and getting two children or four children helped. When you say $20,000 or more for an adoption, it instantly turns people off. But you have to remember that part of that is agency fees, part of that is orphanage fees, part of it is government/paper fees, and then there is the travel costs and it is all spread out over the time that you are adopting. I know many people hear that amount and think they can’t do it. I say money should never be a factor in your choosing not to adopt. There are many, many ways to do it. There are grants. You can adopt through the foster care system. People will step forward. I believe you would be amazed by the amount of people who want to help. Plus, I believe fully that if you belong to a church and feel called to adopt, your church family should be helping. James 1:27 clearly states the churches role in adoption.
I know people think that we have it easy because my husband makes a good living, but if you think we just had enough money and it didn’t cause us any hardship you’d be wrong. Plus, the Lord has always provided. When they agreed to expedite Elijah’s adoption, we were out of money. We were contemplating borrowing against our 401K when we got the most unexpected gift. We had known years before that there was a disagreement between the University and the government about taxes that were withheld. This happened when Dan was a resident back from 1995-1999. We figured nothing would ever come of it, but a few days after receiving notice about Eli and trying to figure it all out, I sat in my car and opened an envelope from the University paying for those back taxes AND interest. It was because of that interest that we were able to pay for Elijah’s fees and take Cassie along to help. God is good. Don’t lose sight of that fact. He can surprise you in the most amazing of ways.
Well, I would love to adopt, but….
“We don’t have enough money.” I know as well as you know that you could save. Most everyone has areas that we could cut back on. I know that doesn’t mean everyone, but most of us can and could cut back. We find the money for cars and a vacations and nicer houses filled with stuff we will never use or don’t really need. DON’T let money hold you back.
Besides that, did you decide to have biological children? When the news states facts like it costs $200,000+ to raise a child nowadays did you say, “We just can’t afford that” or did you assume you would find a way as the years went by and that God would provide for all your needs?
“We don’t have enough room.” Seriously? This has to be the most ridiculous statement. We are talking about children who live in an orphanage. Some of these orphanages are big, sterile, buildings and some have no windows or doors. These children share rooms with many, many cribs or beds. They have no toys of their own. In most cases, they don’t even own a toothbrush. Believe me when I say, “You have enough room and can provide for all of their needs.”
“I don’t want my other kids to do without.” (Usually this means extracurricular activities.) What makes you so sure that your other children will have to do without?
So if you have ever said any of the above sentences or anything similar to it, I want to take this moment to say, “STOP!”. Please don’t say this to a parent who has adopted, especially if they have been to a third world country and seen the need. These excuses make no sense. I’m going to say this knowing full well that I may tick some of you off, but I am assuming if you were saying something that offended or didn’t make sense, you’d want to know it.
When you say these things you are in fact saying __________ is more important than a child with no family, living his/her days in an orphanage, with no future or hope. You can’t honestly think that your child playing a sport is more important. You can’t honestly believe that your child having a room to themselves is more important. If you have been thinking about adopting and have said any excuse to yourself, then really let this sink in. Let it seep into the deepest recesses of your heart and mind. What is truly important? Do these excuses still hold up? And if this doesn’t work, pretend Christ is standing right there in front of you (because someday He will be), try out that excuse now. “Lord, I would have loved to save one of the least of these, but Junior would have had to share a room and it just didn’t seem fair.” How does that excuse feel now? How about all the things your children will learn. How about all the ways your heart and your home will be opened to love and caring and Christ-like behavior? What about all the blessings that you can not even fathom?
What has been the hardest part?
The waiting is hard. Once you see their picture, you want to go get them. Every day you wait, knowing where they are, is painful.
Unknown diagnosis are hard. Believe me I am not looking forward to explaining to Jasmine what she really has.
Lainey not sleeping has been very hard. She is up every two to three hours and our family has had to take turns caring for her at night.
But truth be told the hardest part, for me, is that I can’t do more. We are sponsoring children. We are helping others who are adopting but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
Every day in China girls age out of the system at the tender age of 14, and are released with no resources. Many times they don’t have an education or anyone to turn to. The sex traffickers know this and many girls are lost. Every day children die in orphanages – alone! Every day children are hungry and hurting and wanting a mother and a father to love them. Only a small percentage of the orphans in the world will ever be adopted. A heartbreaking fact when you consider just how many Christians there are. If we, as Christians, stood up and either adopted or helped others, there would be no orphans. What a beautiful statement of the love of Christ.
Why aren’t we doing more? Why do we choose to close our eyes to what is going on around the world? Why do we continue to make excuses?
“The problem seemed so vast, so endemic, that stopping to help a single panhandler (person) could seem pointless.” – Laura Schroff.
If we all stopped and helped just one, we could help them all.
“And so we swept past them everyday, great waves of us going on with our lives and accepting there was nothing we could really do.” – Laura Schroff
What are you doing with your life? Are you caught up in the busyness of your life? So much so that you can’t stop to help one?
“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” – John Lubbock
Are you looking? Do you see the hurting people? Do you see the children in need? Stop and look for that one that you can help!
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