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Sometimes…
Disclaimer: Before we even start, I want you to know I don’t want your pity. Truth be told, I don’t need it, I truly live a very blessed life and I know that. I am grateful everyday for what I have been allowed to be a part of. That being said, I have been told quite a few times this past month, that I only see the good, that I have a Pollyanna attitude. So I thought I’d share….
Sometimes….
I wake up and I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s overcast, gloomy, the house is still quiet, a great day to just pull the blankets back up over my head. But then it starts, Lainey is yelling, and she will not go back to sleep. The day has started too early. I’m tired of long, hard days. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of watching others around me exercise (I miss my 7 a.m. workout buddies), and take vacations and watching others just hang out and have fun with their friends. I’m tired of trying to find a moment to bathe. I’m tired of the noise, the chaos, the dirty house. I’m tired of scratches on my floor, dust on the shelves, and the fingerprints that are EVERYWHERE!!!!
My usual day starts at 5:30, 6:00 if I’m really lucky, and goes non-stop from there until I fall into bed at 11. It starts with oral feedings and tube feedings, dispensing medications and shots to be given, then there’s the diaper changes and clothes to change and breakfast to prepare. Codey needs a bath. At 9 its time to get Jasmine up and transfer her out of bed, to the bathroom, help her get dressed, brush her teeth, etc. At 9:30 school starts and there’s work to be explained and corrected, little ones to teach and sing with, speech therapy and English to learn. All of a sudden lunch needs to be prepared, cleaned up. More school work, nap time for the littles, chores to be done and dinner to prepare. In between all of that there is laundry and dishes and more tidying up than I care to think about. Tube feedings x 5 and oral feedings for two x 5. There’s more diapers than I care to count and dirty faces to wash.
I get all excited when it’s time for bed, but then I remember there are 5 littles that I need to bathe and change and brush their teeth. They’d like a story or two or three Then it’s Jasmine’s turn, teeth, bathroom, clothes changed, transfer to the bed. Give Evi her shot. Tuck them all in. Sing them their songs. And then finally….bed. Glorious, wonderful, warm, soft bed.
And then…..Lainey wakes up. She rages. She yells. She doesn’t sleep. Every hour on the hour she is up. Last night it was 12, 1, 2:15, 3, 4:20, 5:30, and up for good at 6. Others take shifts when they can. But I’ve had three days of it in a row and I’m not as young as I used to be. And Evie is scared at night, Ben is having nightmares because he has surgery coming up, and all the littles seem to know something is up so everyone is a little more stressed.
I have read those books that say God doesn’t expect you to be so busy. I’ve read the articles about alone time and me time. But I wonder what could I cut out of my days right now? And heaven forbid I even joke about being busy. Do you know what the first words out of people’s mouths are? “Well, you asked for this. Don’t be complaining about it.”
BUT……sometimes a girl just needs to vent.
The house is a mess. My to do list just keeps growing. There are school papers to check and winter clothes to get out, summer clothes to put away. The yard is a mess. The car is sticky. The garage won’t hold a car. I’ve swallowed my pride more times than I care to admit when people visit because it is rare to find this house clean. Five littles move a lot of toys around. Five littles can make a very big mess. They laugh, they play, and I like it. I like it more than I like the crazy person I would have to be to keep it clean. So…..my house is messy.
But knowing what I know now, being as tired as I am, you might ask, “Would I still sign up for all of this again?” And the answer is “YES!” Yes, in a heart beat. Because when I take my eyes of “me”, I see the beauty in the miracle of all of it. Truly I do. I have listened to others who are angry and bitter because they didn’t know the extent of their child’s illness, but I am thankful. I am thankful because I know I would have said “No” if I had seen what Jasmine’s medical condition really was. I would have believed that I was too busy and left it for someone else to come forward. I would have said I would pray and then tried to let it go. I would have not signed on for Lainey’s autism either. I know I wouldn’t have. It scares me. I have watched friends go through terrible times. I’ve heard their tears as they sobbed about having to place their child to protect their other children. I know what may be in store for my sweet little Lainey, but I also know what her life would have been like in China. And she has made progress…real progress. Just yesterday she said “Dada”.
It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that I would have said “No!”. “No” because I am not strong enough. “No” because I am weak. “No” because my plate was full. And in saying “No” I would have missed the biggest blessing. Jasmine is joy and light and everything right with the world. Think about what you complain about every day and then compare it to her life. And yet she is happy. Truly happy. When I think about what she will go through, I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. But instead I will thank God for bringing me to her so she will never be alone again.
I am overwhelmed by worldly standards that say I should be fit and have a six pack, and my house should be clean, and I should wear the newest clothes, and be fashionable, and drive an awesome car, and live in a immaculate home, and travel the world, and retire when I’m 50. I should be sitting on the beach, drinking an umbrella drink or bettering myself in college or, or, or….. The list goes on and on.
I am overwhelmed when I listen to that voice that says “I’m not enough.” “I’m not as good as….” When I look in the mirror and I see an older me, a heavier me, a “man it would be nice to style my hair” me. Lainey was the tipping point for me. If Lainey was sleeping, I would have handled this all with relative ease. I’m pretty good at organizing. I’m pretty good at mothering and staying on top of things. Lainey and her lack of sleep has made me know that I am not enough. I have to ask for help and if you know me you know that I absolutely detest that. Truly I do, but it’s not about me. The Lord has placed all of this on my plate because for too long I have been in control except for times of crisis, for too long it’s been about me and what I could do.
But now….without Him….I wouldn’t make it through my days. Through Him I can be strong. Because of Him I know what is important. Because of Him I have been “gloriously ruined”!
I look at them and I wouldn’t change it. Not at all. Who would I not take? Where would they be? Life is busy. Life is hectic, but I have family that is so helpful. I have family that love each other and loves to be together. What a blessing that is. So when I am overwhelmed and tired, I remind myself that the only thing I can control is my attitude. I pick myself up and I look for the good in everything. I sit and laugh and play. I remember that I am not guaranteed tomorrow so I will appreciate today. I have fun each and every day. I laugh because I am surrounded by silly.
And then there is a quote from Katie Davis that I read whenever I feel overwhelmed.
“We bend. I bend to sweep crumbs and I bend to wipe vomit and I bend to pick up little ones and wipe away tears… And at the end of these days I bend next to the bed and I ask only that I could bend more, bend lower. Because I serve a Savior who came to be a servant. He lived bent low. And bent down here is where I see His face. He lived, only to die. Could I? Die to self and just break open for love. This Savior, His one purpose to spend Himself on behalf of messy us. Will I spend myself on behalf of those in front of me? And people say, “Don’t you get tired?” and yes, I do. But I’m face to face with Jesus in the dirt, and the more I bend the harder and better and fuller this life gets. And sure, we are tired, but oh we are happy. Because bent down low is where we find fullness of Joy.”
This is the truth. Not what the rest of the world would have you believe. It isn’t about me. It isn’t about the kids. It is about serving the Lord. It is about living my life as unto Him. He called. I followed out onto the ledge. Dan and I have talked each other out onto that ledge many times because we believed what God was calling us to do. The journey is not perfect. The journey has been hard. This journey though is blessed and beautiful and amazingly wonderful. I am tired but I am blessed. I rarely lose sight of that fact and when I do His word brings me back. So no I don’t have a Pollyanna attitude. I don’t even have my head in the clouds. I know how hard my life is and still I feel blessed because among the hard is so much beautiful my heart can barely hold all the love that I have been given.
So as I said before, please don’t ever pity me. I am living the life that I chose and love with all my heart. I have a husband who I adore who shares my dreams. I hear “I love you” more times each day than I can count. I have been blessed by beautiful children with the sweetest of souls.
So no pity, but you can, however, wipe up any fingerprints that you feel lead to clean, but please don’t ever date the dust because who knows when I will get to that.
