Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category
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Elyse’s Mommy
Elyse has been talking about writing a blog just like big sister, Jasmine. She has been begging me to do a blog about her mama. I promised her I would write what she says no matter what, but after typing this I had serious second thoughts. I have sat on this blog post for a while. I gave her time to think about why she wants to say this. She has told me over and over again that she wants people to understand that a child might not be nice in China because they don’t know any better. They might say things and act up because they are afraid or that is what they have been taught. She feels so bad that she judged me in China. I never gave it another thought after the first few times she said it and it still haunts her that she was mean to the person who came to give her love and a family.
In the end I decided to share this because I thought it was very insightful for a nine year old and it is a small insight into the mind of an child when their whole world is turned upside down. She is truly the sweetest, most caring, helpful little girl. I was afraid she would never attach to me. I was fearful that I would never be the mother she wanted. I was afraid she would never be happy with living in America. I was afraid all those lessons she was taught early in her life were part of who she was forever. The girl Elyse was when we first met her and who she is just 8 months later is vastly different. We are very close and I am very blessed to get to be her mama.
When mama was in China, people take a picture of me and mama. I saw mommy and did not know what to think. I was really mad and really grumpy. I thought Zach and Stephanie (brother and sister-in-law) were my mama and daddy. Mama said, “We go somewhere.” and I said, “NO!” I was really mad at mom. Sometimes I didn’t listen to her.
Sometimes I go to eat with Zach and Stephanie and mama. Sometimes I not be nice to mama. I feel bad now. I sometimes say bad word to mama. I say that she is fat. In China it not good to be fat. We laugh at fat. I make mama feel bad. I say it many times to many people.
I talk to mama about it after we be home for long time. I tell mama that I am sorry for saying bad word. Mama said, “I forgive you. I was not mad.” Mama said, “It only made me sad for a minute. I am heavy. It’s the truth. It’s ok.” Daddy said, “Mama already forgive you. You don’t have to feel bad about it.” But my heart is a little bit sad but mama said, “You don’t know me in China. It’s ok.” Right now I don’t do it because I know mama and I love my mama. I learn that fat don’t make you a bad person.
In China, I say, “I no learn English.” Mama said, “You will learn.” I said, “Mama I don’t. It too hard.” I tell her I no learn English cause I marry Chinese boy.
We went on a boat. I say, “I don’t like pizza. I won’t eat pizza.” Mama said “Just try it.” and I say, “No!” Stephanie say, “Just try it.” I said, “Mmmmm. Pizza is good!” The water was very pretty. It was very much fun. I sorry I was so mad.
I took a big bath in the hotel. It was so much fun. Mama said, “It’s time for bed and she signed ‘night night'” We had two beds but I asked mama to sleep by me. I was afraid. I patted the bed and she know what I say. Mama sleep by me. At night I didn’t sleep. I take pictures and watch t.v. I didn’t listen to mama when she said to go to bed.
Mama said, “We have to adopt Max too.” But I said, “No! I want to go to America.” Mama said, “We can’t leave Max in China.”
Then we went on a big plane for a very big time and we went to America.
We be in America for a long time. Jasmine go to the hospital and I learn English very good. Gracie and Cassie help me.
One day I cry because China say I can’t do anything, but mama and daddy say you can do anything. They say I can cook, drive a car, go to school. They say I can do anything. I cry and cry because I can’t do anything because I in a wheelchair and I am worthless. I know cause China said. I can not do anything. Mama and daddy said, “You can do everything! Dream big!”
In my house Jasmine and Codey are in wheelchairs. Jasmine can say Chinese and Jasmine explain it to me in Chinese that I can do anything and I believe it. Mommy and daddy show me videos with lots of people get married and do lots of things. I can go to school. I believe it!
I have lots of little brothers and sisters. Gracie every day she help me. She help me learn English. She shares her stuff with me and her room. She tell me it our room. She helps me get in bed.
In China they say, “I can go to America. Have a special surgery and fix your legs. Then I can get married and walk and do everything and be happy.” But that’s not true. It make me very sad. Mommy and daddy say they would fix it if they could.
I really happy mommy and daddy adopted me. I get to be called daughter. Mama said, “I so happy you are my daughter and I can be your mom.” Every day I wake up and mommy helps me get up and in my wheelchair. Everyday she say she love me.
I so happy mama and daddy love me and every day hug me. Every day they say they love me.
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Why You Should Adopt (per the terrific trio)
The three girls have asked me to write a blog about adoption. I agreed to write their words just like they say them. I may be in trouble for this one. 🙂
These three are going to be world changers. The heart they have for orphans is so sweet. They want to help. They talk about it all the time. They want to open eyes and hearts to the needs of children. I couldn’t be prouder of them even if they just won’t let the topic of us adopting drop.
Jasmine (16, adopted at age 14) – You should adopt because kids need a family. When you adopt a child, you will know they are so happy for a family. When you are in an orphanage you don’t have anybody to love you. You feel sad and lonely in an orphanage. When you get adopted you can have a mommy and daddy love you. When you have family you are able to do more things not like in the orphanage. You can eat what you want and not the same things over and over and people always feed you. You no go hungry.
Maybe sometimes people think orphanages are good but they are not good it is awful. Kids come to the orphanage and they become really, really sad. When you get a family, you are not alone anymore.
My mama show me pictures of lots of kids that need adopted. I want to help them get a family that is what Jasmine’s Dream is. My daddy say my dream is “a family for every child”. I see a picture of a little girl she is so little and cute. She can use her knees but she has to crawl. Me and mama had a conversation. I said, “Mama, can we adopt her?” Mama said, “No, we can’t anymore. We have lots of kids.” I said, “She is a very pretty little girl. You would like her mama.” Mama said, “It hurts my heart. I can’t look at her anymore.” I said, “Don’t be afraid. Maybe she is our sister. We can help her find a family but I think she is our child.” Mama tell me she will not talk to me about it right now.
If people want to adopt, I say, “Don’t be afraid just go for it!”
Elyse (9, adopted 9 months ago) – Adoption is good because there is daughters and sons who needs a mommy and a daddy. Children are happy when family is together. Some people don’t have to adopt but there are very sad girls and boys that need a mom and dad so if you want to please adopt.
I think Jesus said we can adopt a little girl. She is 7. She is sick like me and Gracie and Jasmine. I think she is my little sister. I don’t care if we adopt 1, 2, or 3. I wish she had a family. She is very sad and looks like me. I wish that many children could be adopted. I will make birds for little girls so they can have a wish to have a family.
I saw another little girl who was very tiny, very, very tiny. She was some where not China. I can’t believe she was 5. She was so tiny. I wish she could have a family. I wish she could have a very good family like us. I don’t want her to die. I hope she has family that love her so much.
Last time mama show me that picture. I was so very sad. I hope some people find her and let her have family. She should not be so little and so sad.
Gracie (10 years old) – People should adopt because no mother and no father is too old and no child should be without a father and mother. Children need families and people who love them to grow up and be happy. It is really fun to have a lot of siblings to play with.
You get to take care of a child who doesn’t have a family and you get to let them know what love is. It would be nice if families could always care for their children but it doesn’t sometimes happen. When it doesn’t happen, is when adoption is good. We should help families stay together but if someone doesn’t have a family we should be there for them. I think this is what Jesus would want.
I hope you think about adoption and how happy you can make some boys and girls.
I think they make some good points so I will post it because I want others to understand that they want to do more. They want us to do more. They make me a better person. The stretch me and how much we can do. They have a big goal to help 1,000 orphans and I believe they will accomplish this goal. it is such an honor and privilege to be their mama.
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Questions and Answers 2015
The blog post “Questions and Answers” popped up on my memories recently on Facebook. I thought I would do an updated version for this year. People ask a lot of questions or make statements that deserve a response, most of them out of genuine curiosity. Some questions are funny, some are heartfelt, and some are just plain interesting.
Where did you and Dan meet?
We attended the same elementary school, junior high and high school. We started dating when Dan was 15 and I was 16.
How long have you been married?
30 years
Did you always want a big family?
Yes, I did. I think Dan was considering 4 at the most because that is what we both grew up with. Now, if we could make it happen, he would take in a child every year.
Did you always know you were going to adopt?
No. We had neighbors who were adopted, but I never really thought about the adoptions. They were just the sisters of the kids we grew up with. Our church never really talked about adoption or James 1:27 and why it is important.
Who initially wanted to adopt? Was it hard to talk Dan into it?
This one is the funniest to me because Dan had to talk me into it. Well, the first adoption (Hope) was a surprise and a beautiful story of faith and God’s hand, but when we were 45 and he started saying we should and could do more, I thought he was crazy because we were way too old to adopt.
You aren’t actually considering adopting more are you?
Well, we are pretty sure our family is complete so I am assuming we are done. Our house is pretty busy, but I believe fully that God has led us to all of our children. He has blessed our family over and over again by following His lead and it would be insane for us to say “No” to him now. Besides whenever we say things that are absolute it usually turns out the other way. We will leave it in God’s hands and keep our focus on the children we are caring for right now and pray that if there is another child(ren) in this world that are meant to be with us that He makes it abundantly clear as quickly as possible so they are not alone for any longer than is necessary..
Let’s see how you feel about having so many children the same age when they are teenagers.
Truth be told, bring it on. I pray that I get the chance to parent six teenagers at the same time. Eli, Ben, and Evie all have very complex heart defects and their life span will be shortened. Noone can tell us for sure how long they have. I pray to God that I am allowed the wonderful opportunity to parent six teenagers that have three and 1/2 years separating them.
Are you insane? Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
No, we are not crazy, insane or any of the other phrases that you might ask. Dan and I, however, are obedient to God’s calling. The first time it was hard to turn it all over to Him, but when you see the blessings that have been bestowed on you for following….well, each time it gets just a little bit easier until you know it would be insane not to follow His lead.
What about your other kids at home? Do they feel neglected? Do they resent sharing their time?
No, if anyone should have had a problem with us adopting more children, it would be Gracie. She was the baby at the time. But Gracie loves her siblings and brings me new pictures of children available for adoption all the time. She wants to help other little girls in wheelchairs. She knows what it has done for her sisters. It makes Gracie’s life harder. She is the person who grabs things they can’t reach. She is the person they ask to run and grab something. She has to put away the clothes that they can’t reach. But she does it with a willing heart because she loves them, not because someone expects it of her.
Grace has mentioned wishing she could hypnotize Dan and I so we would forget how many children we have and adopt again. Just the other day I met a mom through Facebook that has 15 children at home. 12 adopted and they are adopting two more which will make 17. Gracie told me, “See mom. She’s not afraid of the number 17. Embrace the number 17.) Jasmine informs me daily that “I could love more”. Elyse prays for three more sisters (which is where the number 17 comes into play) but says she would settle for one more.
They bring me pictures of bunk beds and show me pictures of children waiting. Jasmine, Elyse, and Grace share the master bedroom because it has the most open bathroom for the wheelchairs. They show me plans of how they can fit more beds in their room. We are currently on a picture with three bunkbeds with trundles. Folks that is six more girls they think they can fit in that room. They talk about how sad the children look in the pictures and how happy we could make them by giving them the love of a family.
You must have lots of help.
I don’t have paid help, but I do have help with my older children who live at home in an apartment, in our garage, on our acreage. When we moved here 14 years ago, we wondered what we would do with a 7-9 car garage. We chose to turn the back into an apartment for the kids as they go to college. Cassie, who is recently married, and her husband, Reece, have chosen to stay in the apartment while Cassie starts teaching and Reece finishes up college. Dan works from home during the week and Dan’s mom comes down when I ask.
We recently simplified the whole house and got rid of tons of stuff. We donated and threw away anything that hadn’t been used in the past year. We drastically reduced the number of items that I had kept because someone gave them to me and it was a memory. We took pictures of the items to keep the memories and then donated it. We took the number of toys way down. We made a place for everything. We instituted a new policy of straightening everything before story time at night and made a list of an item to be deep cleaned each day during the month. The middle girls all have their chores and the littles have small items they are responsible for. We do a big general clean on Saturday while daddy does his 24 hour shift. So far it has simplified everything immensely.
How many children do you have at home? How many children do you have all together?
We have fourteen children. Thirteen still living. Kyle passed away at five days of age, twenty-eight years ago. We have twelve children living at home. Cassie and Reece live in the apartment and the other eleven live in our home. Our oldest son, Codey, is severely mentally and physically challenged and continues to reside in our home. Plus, the four middles and the six littles.
How do you cart everyone around?
We have a bus. Yes, a bus! The children love it. I love it too except for the mileage. It has a wheelchair lift and room for sixteen passengers, two wheelchairs, and the driver. This is another reason why the girls think we should be able to adopt more. Apparently, if there is room in the bus, there is room to adopt.
Is your house huge?
It is a nice size ranch house. It has three bedrooms upstairs and three downstairs. We remodeled to a more open concept a couple years after moving in and it has worked out wonderfully for Jasmine and Elyse’s wheelchair. We have a big sunroom that we have converted into a playroom for the kids. It is big and sunny and they have lots of room to play.
What has been the hardest part?
The waiting is hard. Once you see their picture, you want to go get them. Every day you wait, knowing where they are, is painful.
Unknown diagnosis are hard.
Lainey not sleeping has been very hard. For the most part, it has gotten better. She will sleep for 4-5 hours and then wake up one time and get up for good at 5:30. Have I mentioned I am not a morning person? 🙂
But truth be told the hardest part, for me, is that I can’t do more. We are sponsoring children. We have started Jasmine’s Dream (Love Without Boundaries/Jasmine’s Dream) to advocate and raise funds for children in need. Jasmine has set a goal of helping 1,000 children. We are helping others who are adopting but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
Every day in China children age out of the system at the tender age of 14 and are released with no resources. Many times they don’t have an education or anyone to turn to. Every day children die in orphanages – alone! Every day children are hungry and hurting and wanting a mother and a father to love them. Every year many children age out of our own foster care system. Only a small percentage of the children without families in the world will ever be adopted. A heartbreaking fact when you consider just how many Christians there are. If we, as Christians, stood up and either adopted or helped others, there would be no orphans. What a beautiful statement of the love of Christ.
Why aren’t we doing more? Why do we choose to close our eyes to what is going on around the world? Why do we continue to make excuses?
“The problem seemed so vast, so endemic, that stopping to help a single panhandler (person) could seem pointless.” – Laura Schroff.
If we all stopped and helped just one, we could help them all.
“And so we swept past them everyday, great waves of us going on with our lives and accepting there was nothing we could really do.” – Laura Schroff
What are you doing with your life? Are you caught up in the busyness of your life? So much so that you can’t stop to help one?
“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” – John Lubbock
The picture in the news recently of the little boy who washed up on the beach raised such an uproar. It was horrible. It was heartbreaking. I would agree with that completely but children die everyday all around the world and we pretend it isn’t happening because no one was there to snap their picture, because they weren’t deemed newsworthy.
Here is one example. (Heavenleigh) This little girl is 5 years old and weighs 10 pounds.
Are you looking? Do you see the hurting people? Do you see the children in need? Stop and look for that one that you can help!
Everyone is able to do something.
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I Hope I Always Remember
I still remember the call from CCAI. They said now that we had been matched with Maisey, there was something else they wanted to let us know about, China has a program that would allow you to adopt two children at the same time, if the second child had more complex needs. Dan and I prayed about it. We decided since we were only going to China this one time, that we should adopt two. We figured Maisey would have someone her own age to play with and she wouldn’t feel alone coming to this big, new place.
Hope had come to us asking if we could adopt a little boy with the same heart defect that she had. As a family, we agreed that was a good idea and Dan nicknamed our second child Tigger. We started to pray for Tigger.
We hadn’t had a litttle boy in the house for a very long time. It was fun trying to guess how old he was going to be and what he would look like. We continued to look at CCAI’s Waiting Child page and prayed.
One day Dan asked me to come look at a little boy he had seen on the page. I gasped when I saw his little face. I instantly felt a connection and knew that he was the one. What a sweet little boy. That first picture might have made me gasp, but it was the second picture that stole my breathe away. I had no idea what special need he had, but he was definitely our son. As I was standing there, very emotional, Dan pointed out Ben’s special need – CHD. He was a little heart warrior.
We wrote to CCAI and waited for an answer. When we didn’t hear the next day after they had been open a few hours, I called to make sure they got our message. They had received it but there were other families in line looking at Ben’s medical records. They would have to get back to us. I remember being so upset. This was my son. How could anyone else have his file? What was God doing? Was I really supposed to be his mother? The questions went on and on. We waited and waited and waited. I finally went shopping with the girls just to give myself something else to think about.
Finally, we got the call that they would be sending the records to us for our review. In my mind it didn’t matter, Ben was our son already. I called Dan to let him know. He said he would send the records off to be reviewed by his cardiology friends. I just stood there in the parking lot of Burlington Coat Factory. I remember turning to the girls and crying. “What if he is too sick and daddy doesn’t think we should do it?”
I was a nervous wreck. My stomach was doing flip flops. I knew he was our son. I prayed and prayed and prayed for peace. I prayed for wisdom. I prayed that Dan would feel the same way. I asked God for clarification. The girls keep teasing me over the fact that I would break out in tears over a child I had never even met. If this happened now, I would just trust that feeling but back then I didn’t have a clue how marvelous it is when God works on your heart.
When I came home, I ran right to Dan’s office to see what he knew. I opened the door and saw him sitting there with the saddest look on his face. I thought for sure he was going to tell me that Ben was too sick, that we couldn’t put our family through this, that there was no hope. Dan said everyone he talked to said, “Don’t do this. There’s no hope.” but then Dan quietly said, “He is our son. He may not make it until we can get there, but we need to try.”
Little did we know what a daddy’s boy Ben would be. He went to Dan right away at the registration office and he held on tight from that day on.
Ben and daddy
I never want to forget how that felt. How much I wanted Ben to live just so I could hold him even if it was only for a day. I wanted him to know that I loved him. I wanted him to feel the love of family. I wanted him to know his life mattered.
We got much more than a day with Ben. He has now been with our family 1,267 days. He has gone from a sad little boy who slept with his food to the best big brother to the littles. He loves the job of being big brother. We recently nicknamed him “Minion Squad Leader”. He LOVES this title.
He loves cars and puzzles.
He loves video games especially Mario Cart.
He has grown so much since we brought him home and especially since his surgery.
He has a great sense of style and loves bow ties.
He has the greatest giggle.
He loves to run now. He used to only be able to run around the couch and then he would have to rest. Now you can’t stop him.
Ben reminds us to enjoy life and to take nothing for granted. He reminds us that it isn’t how many days we are allowed to have, it’s what we do with those days.
That’s a pretty successful life for a 7 year old.
Happy birthday to the best Minion Squad Leader around!
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Assume Action
Yesterday was Dan’s birthday but it was me who got the present.
I had been in the basement cleaning. As I was in the basement, Jasmine and Elyse apparently had a very indepth conversation of the first time they met me. I know that Jasmine has been thinking a lot about this because she has told me her next blog is about me and her China mom. I am anxiously awaiting this blog because she does not talk about her China mom very much. Jasmine talks about her grandma who cared for her, but she has only mentioned her mom in passing, and the words were said with much pain.
I have told Jasmine over and over again that she can talk freely about her time in China and the people who cared for her, good or bad. I am not jealous that others loved her. In fact, it is just the opposite, I am thankful. Thankful that she knew love from others for a while. Thankful that people loving her showed her that taking a chance on family was a good thing. I am not happy she went through what she went through but I am thankful the road led her to us.
I once was nervous about being the adoptive mom. When we brought Hope home as a baby, I felt like it was a competition. Would her biological mom one day come back into her life and I would be forgotten? All those fears and questions that you have when you first start out. It didn’t take very long for me to understand those feelings weren’t true. Hope could love me and her bio mom. She could care about me and the woman who brought her into this world. It wasn’t a competition. It isn’t an either or thing.
I have explained that to Jasmine and to Elyse. It is okay to talk. It’s okay to care. You don’t have to forget. I want you to pray for the people you remember, good and bad. I want you to heal and know your place here is secure. I want you to know that you are forever a loved daughter and nothing could change this.
When we adopted Elyse, she had a very hard time with me. I was old and I was fat. These were not very appealing characteristics in her eyes. I cried and talked to Dan about this because, in the beginning, it hurt. The facts were true, I am overweight and I am old, but they still hurt. He would remind me over and over again that our children love me. When Elyse comes home she will see that love and she will want to be a part of that love, but I worried that maybe this would be the adoption that changed everything. This would be the adoption where the child never learned to love me. My heart would be hurt. How would I deal with this? I was afraid.
But last night Elyse gave me the sweetest gift. She asked for my forgiveness. She cried tears and told me that she was so sorry she hurt me. I reminded her that it hurt for the first couple of days but I got over it quickly. I hadn’t even thought about it in a long time. She said she didn’t know any better and she would have never said those things if she knew me. She cried and she cried.
I told her that is the way it often is in life. We judge people based on what we see. We are all guilty of it. I asked her if she learned anything from her mistakes and she said “oh yes!” These are the things I had always been afraid of.
I’m sharing this story because of this video that I watched this morning. Assume Action
“We’ve been so scared of so many things along the way. We’ll wrestle. Do we do it? Do we do it? And we are always terrified. We’ve done some scary things but each time as we start recounting the early days and it was so fun we just walked year by year to different things we did, and we just thought, “What if we didn’t do that?” We would have missed out. Like I’m so glad we just tried. We pursued.” – Francis Chan
These could have been words spoken by Dan and I. It’s always been scary. It’s always seemed like more than we could do. Always! Even in the beginning.
We can’t live through the death of a child. Yes, you can!
We can’t live for over a year in the hospital. Yes, you can!
We can’t adopt a child that may die. Yes, you can. Again and again and again!
We can’t handle a child with severe disabilities. Yes, you can!
We can’t heal hurting hearts. Yes, you can!
We can’t handle a large family. Yes, you can!
The list goes on and on and on.
We would have missed out. Don’t miss out. Take action! Assume God means for you to take action. No matter where your passion lies. God’s book lays it all out there. Care for the orphan. Care for the widow. Feed and cloth the poor. Take care of your brother. Love your neighbor. The need is great. Take action today! Don’t wait.
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Pain and Joy
I’ve seen a lot of heartache recently. I have watched friends stand by their children hopelessly unable to make it all better. Agonizing over long hospital stays and difficult decision. I have heard many question “Why would they adopt knowing this could happen?” or incredulously say “I could never do that.” or “Why would God let this happen?”
I don’t know why this happens. I don’t know why one story is one of miraculous recovery and another is of heartbreak. I can’t make head or tail of it. I try to fathom God’s plan and how it will all work together to bring Him glory and many times it is more than I can wrap my head around. We never want the bad to happen. We never want to take the difficult journey. We choose ease and comfort whenever we can. Even when we sign up for the bad, we do it with a heart full of hope for a miraculous outcome.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 How could anything bad ever be considered good?
As I was talking to a friend yesterday, we were discussing the what if’s. This was after a weekend which just about did my heart in. You can NOT discuss orphans without discussing the magnitude of them. You can not truly delve into the situation without your heart breaking. You can’t consider all those who wait, all around the world, and not feel helpless and unable to make a difference.
All you can do is proceed one child at a time because every child counts. Every child deserves a chance.
- Even though people are turning away from adoption.
- Even though there is not enough time or money to fix it all.
- Even though there is pain and heartache and turmoil.
- Even though your heart may be broken.
- Even though you can’t fix it all.
- Even though it is overwhelming.
You continue to proceed one child at a time, much like the starfish story.
My friends understand this. They have a clear picture of how fleeting life is. They are in the absolute worse situations possible and they give God the glory. They know that a life saved and loved is worth it. They rejoice over what they have been allowed to do, no matter the outcome. I do not wish for any of them to be on this journey but I know, from experience, that they will never be the same. God is growing them and shaping them. Their lives are not worse because of the pain. Their lives are immeasurably blessed by the joy that these children brought. Yes, their hearts will hurt. Yes, they will never be the same. But there is joy in the morning. There is joy in the good news. There is joy in the meeting again for all of eternity. Life on earth is but a small portion of forever.
I have talked with a few mamas on how pain and joy can coexist. How you can be going through the worst possible situation and still be thankful and joyful in the moment? One friend sent me this quote from Ann Voskamp – “Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living…. Yet I know it in the vein and the visceral: life is loss.”
The goal in life is not to be as comfortable and pain free as you can. The goal in life is to open your heart and love and make a difference.
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I LOVE Adoption (By Gracie)
Hi my name is Grace and I’m 10 years old. I’m one out of 14 children. I never dreamed that I was going to have 13 siblings but I am happy. I have lupus and there’s 10 other siblings with different sicknesses. I know some people think that adopting is crazy but I LOVE it!
Sometimes it brings sadness and sometimes happiness. Don’t be sad if they don’t adjust to you right away. I learned that the hard way. My mom and dad adopted the first two Ben and Maisey. They were scared. They didn’t adjust to me right away. I was so confused by that because I was only six years old. I didn’t know how to respond to them because they were in an orphanage where they got hurt and people were just mean and cruel to them. They were afraid for a little bit but they love to play. They left my little sister to die. I don’t understand because she is so happy and I’m just so happy that she’s my little sister. Ben Ben was very little and very sick and he wanted to eat all the time. He was so blue.
It was one or two years later and we were going to adopt Evie and Eli and Laney and Jasmine. Jasmine was going to be 14. When you turn 14 in China and you’re in a orphanage you get sent to an institution. But when I learned what an institution was I did not want her to go to one because there is people who aren’t nice and she’s in a wheelchair that would just make it so much harder for her so I gave up dance and tumbling just so we could get her. Lainey who’s gotten so far she used to just rage all day but now she’s happy. She plays. She says I love you mom and she says I love you Dad. She said hey Lainey.
Evie she was really blue but after her heart surgery she called herself a princess. Now she only responds to Princess Evie and she’s happy. Eli has a heart defect too but he was as blue as Evie. He is silly and likes to dance.
Two years later my mom and dad adopted Elyse and Max. Max has no ears at all. Elyse is in a wheelchair. Elyse was not in orphanage her whole life. Elyse told me she had a foster mom and dad but her foster dad was mean and drank bad stuff and he hit her. That made me sad. I like having a sister my own age. We share a room. Max is very silly and he loves to dance even though he can’t really hear the music.
All of these children that I’m talking about are my Chinese siblings I have one more sibling who was adopted Hope who is 16 and she was adopted in the US. I love Hope so much. I love my family. Someday I am going to adopt 20 kids too.
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I Hate Indifference
I know hate is a pretty harsh word, but I am having a hard time being quiet about it. Maybe I should have titled it I Hate Indifference or How our Family Decided to Try and Make a Difference! We no longer wish to suffer from depraved indifference.
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Recently I was in the ER with Elyse. Our visit was in the middle of the night and she shared many, many things with me. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it is to listen to your child tell you of their abuse in such a matter of fact way. No tears or shaking or trembling of the voice, just words said normally like they happened to someone else or as if they deserved it.
In January, when we adopted Elyse, she was an over-the-top, bubbly, joyful child, but she told us over and over again that she would NOT be learning English. She said she would stay with us awhile but she was not going to be a part of all this family stuff. Her heart was definitely still in China. I was so worried that she would not bond. I knew that it was going to take forever to reach her and that hurt my heart.
When Jasmine ended up in the hospital for so long, just weeks after we got home, I thought it would take even longer to bond, but just the opposite happened. Because Elyse, who is very talkative could no longer communicate, she had to learn English. She spent more time with other family members besides Jasmine. She found out that she missed Dan and I. She decided she really liked having parents and lots of brothers and sisters.
In this past month we have seen a huge turnaround. She loves to tell people she is an American. She tells me that she loves me and that she is sorry for the way she treated me in China. She is the first to ask if I’m okay or if I need anything. She has asked that we only use her English name. At first, I didn’t understand why the change came about but I was thankful that my early worries about her not attaching to the family were wrong.
In the ER, as she was telling me about what happened to her in China, she also told me that she now knew that she didn’t deserve to be hit. She said that she knew if people truly loved you then they would protect you. She told me Dan and I taught her that. She said I love my family and I want to stay here forever. This was a huge break through for her and the first steps in helping her to heal.
I have a hard time with the abuse stories and the neglect stories. I know they aren’t everyone stories but they belong to too many orphans. Too many orphans are abandoned because their parents can not provide the care they need. Too many orphans end up abused and forgotten. Too many children are neglected world wide and I know it isn’t just an orphanage issue. It happens here and all around the world. Children are being trafficked. Children are growing up alone and sent into the world alone.
But if you ask most people they have no clue this is going on or to what degree it happens. I know I didn’t know. I lived in my own little world and didn’t believe that I could do anything about the world’s problems. Truth-be-told, I didn’t think the world problems were any of my concern, but I was wrong. Indifference is in epidemic forms right now. We care so much about me, me, me and we have forgotten what God has called us to do.
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:4
Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. 1 John 3:17-18
He who gives to the poor will never want, But he who shuts his eyes will have many curses. Proverbs 28:27
Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. James 1:27
These are just a few. We know we are commanded, but we are too busy or too poor or too (insert excuse here) to do anything about it. We all do it. It seems overwhelming. What can one person do? I’d be the first to admit that. I am not here to lecture but merely to remind you that you can make a difference.
Everyone can make a difference. The first choice is to stop being indifferent and open your eyes.
Our family chose to make a difference when we couldn’t let Hope die alone in the hospital. The kids were little (Zach was 11 and Cassie was 6) but they understood no child should die alone in the hospital without a name or people to love them. I didn’t think about it in the term “we were making a difference”. We just did what we felt was the right thing to do.
When we chose to adopt again, everyone in the family was on board. I will admit that we didn’t fully understand the plight of the orphan until we stepped foot in an orphanage, but we quickly began to understand.
We decided that this would be our family mission. We wanted to raise awareness for the orphan. We wanted to spread the news about adoption. Many people complain that adoption is too hard or too expensive but I am telling you the cost is much greater when we do nothing. The cost of souls that believe they are worth nothing and deserve to be abused is too great. You want to save lost souls? What better way than to show them the love of the Father?
We can no longer do nothing.
I have read this verse in the Bible many times.
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. James 1:22
And then I read it in the King James version. For some reason, it had more impact on me.
But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only…
BE DOERS!!!!
That is pretty clear. So what are you doing?
We realized that our family was probably done adopting but there were so many more children who wait. How could we just stop? How could we do nothing? We decided to join with Love Without Boundaries because they helped us find two of our daughters through their advocating on their blog. The more we learned of their programs the more in love with this organization we were. They do what they say they are going to do with the money received. They have a 4 star rating on Charity Navigator. They have a cleft exchange, education programs, the Unity Fund (which helps families stay in tact by getting their child the surgery they need), foster care programs and more. When you sponsor a child or give towards a surgery, you get updates. Ever wondered where your money goes when you send off a check to an organization? Well, wonder no more.
So what is stopping you from being a doer?
Right now LWB is trying to help a mother who has been using social media to reach out to others to try and get her children medical help. It’s amazing how hard this mother has fought and now there is hope. Can you imagine not being able to get the care you need for your children? Won’t you please consider joining with LWB and help them get the care they need? (A mother’s plea)
Start here. Every dollar counts. Then open your eyes to what God lays before you. Is there a neighbor who needs helps? A widow? A single mother? Be a doer!!!!
Anne Frank says it best – “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
(This video is almost 8 minutes long but it is worth every minute.) -
Jasmine’s Dream (Part 1)
As you know, Jasmine and I have been talking a lot these past few weeks. It has been hard for her to give up hope that she would one day walk. Slowly losing the use of your body is a lot for a 16 year old to accept. Dan and I have decided that she needs something bigger than herself to dream about. She needs hope to be able to help. She needs to know that she can still achieve much and help many children. Her hope is that one day there will be no more orphans. She wants to keep families intact and help those children, that are hard to place, get adopted. We are working on “Jasmine’s Dream” and soon we will tell you all about her goal.
Jasmine has been praying for four children specifically. She has actually been praying that there is still room in our home for more, but right now that doesn’t seem to be where God is leading. Although, I have learned long ago to not say no to God so you will never hear me say, “We are done for sure!” One never knows where God will lead.
Our family has been praying for Superman, Baby Hope, Summer and the little girl that Jasmine was in the orphanage with. There are children that you see on the advocacy sites, that steal your heart for whatever reason. For example, when we were adding a second child to our adoption, there was one little girl that I just couldn’t get off my mind. I kept praying for a clear answer and the answer was never yes.
I kept thinking how can it ever be wrong to adopt a child? I kept asking God to make things clear. The “let’s fix this now” part of me wanted to go get her now, but I knew in my heart she wasn’t meant to be my daughter. She has now been chosen. I have seen pictures of her new family. I have read the words leading up to their decision to submit their Letter of Intent. (Ridiculous Faith) I love how God works and yet I have shed tears over a little girl that was not meant to be ours.
I mean really who wouldn’t want to call this child daughter? Who wouldn’t want to stand there and have this little face look up to yours expectantly? Who wouldn’t want to shower her with unconditional love and help her to be the very best she could be?
Many have looked at her file and walked away. Her physical beauty and big personality could not put them at ease. There were just too many unknowns in her file. That’s the problem with adoption. There are so many unknowns. We can’t imagine being able to handle the physical or mental disabilities. We look for the easiest problems, the fixable things. We look for things we are comfortable with or already know. I have talked many times about the fact that I’m not sure what I would have said if I had known Lainey or Jasmine’s true diagnosis before we got to China. I’m not sure I would have taken the chance. I mean who would sign up for their child slowly fading away with a degenerative muscle disease or pick a child who cried all day and beat her head on the wall especially when their lives were already so complicated?
I can guarantee you that Kyle dying or Codey being in the hospital for 14 months was not what I wanted. If I had been asked beforehand, I would have adamantly denied that I could handle it and walked away. BUT Codey and Kyle changed my entire life…they changed my walk with God. My relationship grew. My life was fuller. My viewpoint clearer. My priorities changed forever. Those two things made me who I am today. Who would I be if I hadn’t walked that journey?
The point when God asks us to follow His lead, isn’t that we can handle it. It’s just the opposite. It’s to show how much we need Him. God’s glory is shown in our weaknesses. It’s only when we say over and over again “Only with God” that people take notice.
Each time God asked us to step out in faith and we saw how being obedient to His call blessed us and grew our relationship, it made following through the next time we heard the call just a little bit easier, until we got to the point that we didn’t question it when He called. We were that sure that God’s way (the unknown – the difficult – the faith growing) was so much better than our way (the comfortable), that we said, “Okay God. I have no idea how this is going to work, but let your glory shine! We trust you!”.
Jasmine knows what it means to be overlooked. Jasmine knows what it means to almost have time run out. Jasmine knows what it means to sit in an orphanage day after day after day. Jasmine knows the scars that slowly build up on your heart over time and the overwhelming fear that can cloud your mind and because of these things Jasmine dreams of doing more.
She has asked over and over again what we can do. She prays for these children and the others left behind. Recently Gracie and Jasmine asked me about sending their allowance to two of these children who have funds set up. Their families have stepped up, even though their child’s future is uncertain. Two of them have traveled and one will travel soon. Jasmine and Grace chose to give their allowances to these children. They talked about how there was nothing that they needed and what better use would there be for their money? Won’t you consider helping them? Superman’s family will travel soon and the families are already in country with Baby Hope and Summer right now.
This is what we are called to do as Christians.
We are called to care for the widow and the orphan.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27
We are called to give away our possessions:
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. Luke 12:33
If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? 1 John 3:17
We are called to bear each other’s burdens.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
We are called to help each other and not just encourage with words.
What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. James 2:14-17
What are you living for? Life on earth is but a small portion of eternity.
How are you going to finish?
Make your life matter. Leave a legacy. Don’t wait for tomorrow because tomorrow may never come. Dream big and let God provide!
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” Acts 20:35
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Choices
A day of pain from missing my mom.
A day of immeasurable joy.
A day I hope I will always remember.
A day I wish I could forget.
A beautiful, loving, wonderful day – the best Mother’s Day ever.
A horrible, rotten, “wish I had never gotten out of bed” day.
That is what my Mother’s Day was.
I had both ends of the spectrum.
I was surrounded by my children and beautiful words were written especially by my husband.
“This is Dan, adding a post on Mother’s Day. I’m always amazed by the strength of mothers. In my work, I see so many moms that are so committed and devoted to their fragile children. The love warms your heart and gives you hope for the future.
And then I look at Lisa, and I see that girl that I have loved since I was 15. I remember all the pain we have gone through with our children, the crushing grip of death, broken dreams and the scars of abuse. I see the sacrifices that she so willingly makes – day after day, night after night. Putting her family first – always teaching, healing, loving, and caring. Never too tired, always ready to give – never because she “has to” but always because she “wants to”. She has been pushed to her limit and beyond during the past few years. Discovering the depth of the trauma that some of our kids experienced in China, grieving the loss of her own mom. These things don’t get better. But she just keeps “showing up” and giving all of our sweet children exactly what they need – a mom who loves them unconditionally and completely.
Our kids are seriously blessed to have Lisa as their mom and I am seriously blessed to be her husband. Thank you to all the moms out there that keep “showing up” and giving your kids that most precious gift – a mother’s love.”
Isn’t that what life is though? Tough and beautiful all at the same time? I wanted to wake up to a clean house. I wanted to not have to do anything. I wanted breakfast in bed after 8 straight beautiful hours of sleep. My expectations were not met. My house wasn’t magically clean when I woke up. I didn’t get 8 hours of straight sleep. (Although, Lainey was gracious enough to give me 5 straight.) I didn’t get breakfast in bed, but instead was up hours before anyone else getting ready for “my” day.
Choice – Be happy about 5 hours or be bitter about not getting to sleep in.
I will admit the foot stomping two year old in me was there for a moment. My day wasn’t going according to my plans and I was as cranky, but then I took a moment, opened my eyes, and looked around. I saw my beautiful, hand-drawn pictures from all my kiddos. I saw flowers in vases, some that were purchased and some that were hand picked. I was given some beautiful notes written in my Mother’s Day book. (Last year the Cassie started a journal where ever child writes something on a page for Mother’s Day. It’s a beautiful keepsake.) Elyse reminded me again how happy she was to just be able to say the words “Happy Mother’s Day” to her very own mama.
As the day went on, Cassie made a wonderful birthday lunch for Max with all his favorites. We played outdoors where the kids ran for hours in grass that was way too long because it needed to be cut, but the lawn mower had been broken. Reece had the great idea to cut a winding path in the grass and the kids ran for hours on this path. Something that had been driving me crazy all week, extra long grass, ended up being the most fun ever for the littles. The ran and ran and ran around the path. They were so joyful.
Choice – to fret about unmown grass and all the other things left undone or to fully enjoy the moment in the sunshine with my blessings.
The night took a turn for the worse when Jasmine started acting out again. Every once in a while she has a really hard time. Every once in a while she turns into a child that you would never recognize. The things she says are hurtful and mean. She lashes out and none of it makes much sense. Children who have spent most of their lives in an institution act out for the strangest reasons and sometimes it is hard to figure it out right away. Why is she lashing out? Is it because she is remembering her grandma or grieving her lost mother? Why won’t she just tell me why she is hurting? When they won’t open up it makes life hard. You want to scream. You want to return the favor with some harsh words of your own, but you can’t.
You remind her daily that she has a choice to be happy or sad. No one is responsible for her happiness. She has a choice to find her purpose and live life fully or watch it pass her by. She has the choice to trust God and His plan. She has the choice to make the world a better place or to make those around her miserable. She has the choice to discuss what is going on. She has the choice to love her family and participate or sit on the sidelines. She has the choice to trust us or live in fear.
She has a choice and so do I.
Choice – to let the few hours of discontent ruin my day or to keep the right perspective and remember all the blessings I have had throughout the day.
Choices! We all make them every day some intentionally and some by default. Not choosing is in itself a choice. I have the choice to respond in anger and discipline or I can teach. Jasmine has not been taught how to process the pain. Jasmine has not been taught what to do with her anger. She is much like a toddler – acting out, throwing words around, stomping her feet. Would I expect a toddler to reason with me and work through her problems. NO!!! I remind myself that daily with Jasmine.
Choice – to show grace and loving correction and teachings or angry words and discipline.
Love is a choice. God tells us that in His word. He wants us to be content. He wants us to choose joy. He wants us to love our neighbor and pray for those who persecute us. None of these things are easy but we always have that choice. We can choose to see our lives any way we wish. We can dwell on every negative thing that ever happens or we can see the beauty in each and every day that we have been gifted.
Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing ever goes exactly as we have planned. Nothing ever lives up to our dreams and preconceptions. My daughter recently wrote a blog called ” My Own Little Holland“. If you have ever read the poem called “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Kingsley (which is included in my daughter’s blog post), you will understand what I am talking about. If you spend the rest of your life upset that you didn’t get to Italy, you will never fully appreciate living in Holland.
Choice – to be angry, bitter, upset about all that I can not control or to remember each and every day that I am truly seriously blessed to be allowed to parent these beautiful children and to hear the word mama a hundred times every day in my own little Holland.
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