Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category
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Perspective
I’ve been listening to people talk about perspective lately. The world seems to be just a little crazier with the shootings in Connecticut and Oregon. I hear them say that some of the things that they thought were important don’t really seem as important now. We have the choice to want perfection and everything in it’s place or allow grace to those people and things in our lives that may be a little less than perfect. I am blessed to have gone through what we’ve gone through with Codey and Kyle. Their live’s have taught me to be grateful for every day you are allowed to live; to not get caught up in the tiny things that go wrong; to forgive when necessary, to say I’m sorry when you need to; to help and encourage those that you can; and to truly be grateful for everything that you have .
Every day I wake up and have the choice to be filled with fear that today may be Ben’s last day. I can dwell on his little blue fingers. I can dwell on his raspy voice when he plays too hard. I can dwell on how little he is and how low his platelets are. I can think about how he could fall and cause a hemorrhage. If I dwell on any of those things though, I miss out on all the wonderful moments throughout the day. He is so funny and so sweet. He is compassionate and caring beyond his years. Every day with him is a blessing. I don’t want to lose even one minute worrying about things that I have no control over. Only God knows the number of his days. I will leave that in His hands and enjoy every moment that I am blessed to spend with sweet Ben. The truth is it is that way with most of my children. I could go on and on about them and the trials their health issues bring to our lives. The truth of the matter is that it has given me a whole new perspective on living.
On the other hand, I have a son and daughter who are both so bright. I watched them when they were little and dreamed all the worldly dreams for them. Good grades, good schools, good jobs, etc. It’s not that those things aren’t important, but a good foundation in Godly values is so much more important. Compassion, love for others, finding their purpose and purposely living their lives is what it is all about. The lessons our adoptions have taught them are priceless. It has given them true perspective on what is and isn’t important.
The truth is we spend our days worrying about trivial things. Truly they are trivial. I bet you in two years you won’t remember what car broke down or which appliance wasn’t as new as you’d wished. You won’t remember what you purchased for Christmas. You won’t remember what your child said when they talked back. You can be upset about some wrong that has happened and then you turn on the news and see that 20 children have lost their lives for no reason at all. You grab your child and hug them a little tighter. You wonder why you screamed about their bed not being made or the fact that they were moving so slow this morning. I’m not saying that it isn’t important for our children to have rules and be disciplined. I’m just saying that it is a good reminder that some things aren’t as big as we make them out to be.
For example, if you knew that your husband was going to have a heart attack next week, how would that change how you treated him? The truth is do you know that he won’t? Do you have a guarantee that you’ll have another week to make up with him, to treat him right, to let him know just how much he means to you? How about your daughter or son? Do you know for a fact that they will live to be 50, 60, or 70? What if they encounter a drunk driver? What if they are diagnosed with cancer? What if your healthy 6 year old suddenly becomes ill and is diagnosed with lupus? Believe me….there are no guarantees.
Why does it take some major life event for us to pay attention? God tells us over and over again in His book to love our neighbor, to forgive, to treat others as we want to be treated, to care for the orphan and the widow. Why do we ignore these commands like they are just suggestions if we have the time and energy to do it? These should be our life goals.
The truth of the matter is there are approximately 147 million orphans in the world. There are approximately 250,000 children waiting to be adopted in the U.S. Why are we not standing up as Christians and doing something about this? My sister-in-law wrote a status on her Facebook about the ASPCA and their ads. Her 5 year old daughter asked her if they could be part of their team. She was so moved by the conditions of the animals. Why aren’t there commercials about children? What if they showed you a horrible orphanage and you saw your child’s face? What would you do to go get them? What if God has a child picked out for you and you are just leaving them there? What if we Christians put our values in what is really important? What could we change? We should all live generously. We should all be giving not if we have a little left over, but we should be sharing our wealth. We are so blessed as a country. We have so much. How much more is enough for you? What will be enough for you to decide you can share? When will you decide you can afford to help? What will it take to change your perspective?
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What if….
In honor of Lainey Rae who turns 2 today, I’m going to be talking to those of you who may have God tugging at your heart right now. Happy birthday Lainey. I’m heartbroken that I can not spend today with you, but you will no longer be alone on your birthdays. Daddy and I are coming sweet girl! 🙂
I watched the Rascal Flatts holiday special the other evening and cried through every story that was told. I watched as children said all they want is a family. I watched a 17 year old who said he cried because he thought his chance at a family was gone, that he had never had a birthday party. How does that happen? He had been in other foster homes, 8 of them, I think he said. Birthdays are special; it’s the day of rejoicing over your birth. Birthdays should be times of remembrance. Other families should have known that. That just broke my heart because it’s such a simple thing to fix. I wish everything in life was that easy to fix.
As Dan and I have talked to more people and read more about orphanages and adoptions, we have heard more and more stories. Stories that will break your heart. Stories that will change your life forever. Some stories I wish I’d never heard. Pictures I wish I’d never seen. My heart can barely stand the thought of what too many children must endure. Children in pain. Children starving for much more than just food. Children alone and hurting wanting nothing more than to be loved by a family.
I hear people talk about adoption, but many have their “buts and what ifs”.
I would so love to, but
It cost so much money – what if I can’t raise enough?
What if it disrupts our family?
What if it is just too much?
What if I can’t love them like my biological children?
Well, I will counter with these “what if’s”…
What if you could save one child from starving to death?
What if you could change the world for one child?
What if you could be the whole world for one child?
What if you are the only thing between a child and a life of prostitution or living on the street?
What if you could be the face of God for one child?
What if when you stand before your king He shows you what you could have done?
Heaven is perfect and beautiful but that doesn’t mean we won’t know what we could have done better. Whose lives we hurt and whose lives we made better. I can’t imagine standing in front of God and having Him show me a life that I could have saved, if only I wasn’t afraid. I know there is so much I have done wrong but when I finally trusted Him so much became crystal clear. A life about me isn’t a life at all. A life about HIM is what it is about. I still fail. I still sin. I am still so imperfect; but I am not afraid to follow His lead. Okay, maybe I am fearful sometimes, but I am above all else obedient to His call.
I recently read Corrie Ten Boom’s book The Hiding Place. Children in orphanages aren’t much different than those in concentration camps. “How?” you might ask? Well, children who are considered “less than” are brought there. These children are starving, abandoned, and alone through no fault of their own. That’s not to say there aren’t caring people in some orphanages, but there are also places where children are just left to die. Places where children weigh 14 pounds at the age of 12. The holocaust was horrible because of Hitler’s evil, but it was much more horrible because of all the people who stood by and watched it happen; people who turned a blind eye because they didn’t want to become involved. Christians turning a blind eye is worse even than the evil that man can do because they know better. It is in black and white in God’s book. James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. Widows are hurting. Orphans are starving. People are thirsty for both water and God’s word. Children are alone and waiting for a family.
Again I ask…
What if you were no longer fearful?
What if your dreams were bigger than you thought?
What if you could change the world….one child at a time?
What if God is just waiting to bless your life?
What if somewhere out there is your child? The child God choose for you. What if she is cold and alone and fearful? What if your son cries alone at night because he is alone, afraid, hungry? This child is yours as surely as if he/she grew in your womb (or your wives). This isn’t an unknown face across the miles. This is YOUR child and you have chosen to turn a blind eye.
What if…..
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Waiting is the hardest part…
Once your heart has been taken. Once that picture is placed in front of you. Once God has grabbed hold of your heart and wrapped it up so completely that you can barely wait another moment to hold them, you start to dream and the wait begins. Waiting is truly the hardest part because the process is so painstakingly slow. It’s hard to fathom why you have to jump through so many hoops; why you have to fill out reams and reams of paperwork for a child that has been abandoned; why when they are just sitting in an orphanage; you can’t just go get them. There has to be an easier way to get these sick and hurting children into loving homes much faster. But for now my only option is to follow the rules, wait and pray and pray and pray. Pray that they will stay healthy enough until we can get them. Pray that I’m given the chance to let them know how much they are loved. Pray that they are being cared for. Pray that somehow they can feel in their hearts that they have a family.
When you start the process all you have is a picture and very little information. It’s sort of like seeing that ultrasound and wanting so much to just see that little face in person. Yet, at the same time it is very, very different. The difference is your child isn’t safe and warm in utero. Your child is in a cold orphanage. They may be being cared for. They may be getting the proper amount of food, but they may not be. They may have friends that they play with or they may be being bullied in ways that you can’t even imagine. They may have a nanny who truly cares, but you just don’t know and that is the hardest part. No matter what is happening, it still isn’t family. There is something to be said for being comforted and knowing that your parents will keep you safe. When we got Ben and Maisey, they wouldn’t even cry when they got hurt. Maisey had no way to express herself so she would throw herself to the floor with very little provocation. It didn’t take long for that to stop – all we had to do was explain things and listen to her. My heart just melted the other day when Maisey ran to her daddy for him to kiss her booboo on her toe. She knows she’s loved and that people care if she’s hurt. Ben and Maisey know they have many, many people who love them. They know they will be listened to. They know there is always food. They know they will be held whenever they come running. We take a lot for granted as parents. Trust, affection, love, adoration are all wonderful gifts given freely from our children and we rarely give it a second thought.
There are many different types of orphanages. There are state of the art orphanages and there are orphanages that don’t even have doors or windows. There are orphanages where they try their best to make sure that the child is cared for to the best of their abilities and there are orphanages where the children are slowly starving to death for both food and love. There are orphanages with interaction and love and there are orphanages where they prop the bottle and check on them in 4 hours. I have a hard time comprehending the difference in cultures. I can’t even wrap my mind around someone not holding and rocking a baby. I’ve heard about orphanages where they won’t even hold a child that has downs syndrome or another disability because they believe these children will never be loved so you shouldn’t show them any affection. It is shocking to me the lack of value of life. How is it even imaginable that someone could watch a child slowly starve to death when they had the ability to change it? How can life mean so little? It is just so different. Here in America we have the occasional story where someone disposes of a child like they were trash. But just recently there was a news story in China where one woman saved 30 babies from the trash. That is one town and one woman. I know you can not possibly give individual attention to each baby if you are caring for 20 or more by yourself. I know they believe if they are fed and changed, they have done their job. But that is not nearly enough.
What if your child is older? This has put a whole new spin on it for us. We know she wants to go to school but isn’t able to because of wheelchair accessibility. Think about your 13 year old wanting to learn. Wanting so much to be able to learn but the classroom is just out of reach so she sits there alone knowing that her disability keeps her from learning. You want to help, but you are a half a world away. It’s one thing to lose days when your child is 1, but losing days when your child is 13 1/2 is so much more disheartening. I want her to have all that she is able to dream about. I want her to read and write and do arithmetic. I want her to learn about God. I want her to trust that even though it doesn’t make sense that she spent 6 years in an orphanage, that God can use it for good. That her life has worth. That her life will touch more people than she can even imagine. I want her to understand that God has always been there. I hope she can feel His peace. I hope He has brought her the comfort we have prayed for. I hope that she is ready to be treasured by a whole family that is so ready to love her. Her life is going to change and she will change ours. I can’t wait until I can touch her sweet face. I can’t wait to hold her hand and tell her that we will always be there. I want to brush her hair and hold her close. It hurts that I have to wait. It breaks my heart that she has to spend one more day there. I hate that she has to wait but I pray that we will be there soon. I pray that she is ready for a very loud house. I pray that she is ready to be cherished. I pray that she is ready for 6 younger siblings that will adore her and 3 older ones who will dote on her and one virtual twin that is excited beyond excited to have a sister.
I love this saying. It describes our house best. In this house we do second chances. We do loud really well. We do love. We do grace. We do real. We do hugs. We do I’m sorrys. We do family. We do faith.
Her second chance is coming and I feel so blessed that I get to be a part of it. I hope I can convey just how wonderful she is, just how loved she truly is, and that she can dream BIG and make it reality. I know it is hard for some people to understand how you can love a child when you have only just seen a picture. I can’t explain how God works but I can tell you that she IS my daughter and I would go to the ends of the earth to keep her safe. I will follow the rules and the regulations, but I will not let her go. I will fight for everything she deserves. I will be there soon sweetheart. I wish I could change your past but I can not, but I can and will change your future. I can’t wait to see the path that God has laid out for you. I will walk beside you. I will hold you up when life tries to knock you down. I will cheer for you and encourage you in any way that I can. I will let you know you are cherished and loved. I will do all that I can because I AM your mom!
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What if I won the lottery…..
I’ve been hearing people talk about what they would do with the money all day long. I listened to people talk about buying a house in every country so they could travel everywhere but stay in their own home. I heard someone even mention buying the “E” channel so they could fire all the Kardashians. Baseball teams and football teams were mentioned. Fancy cars, furs, jewels, gold, boats, etc. I heard it all. Of course, they would take their family on trips. They would pay off bills. They would give some away. But we are talking about 1/2 billion dollars. Maybe they just haven’t put any thought into it, but man I have. I have put some serious thought into how I would spend that kind of money.
Can you even imagine? I mean you will lose 1/2 of it to taxes, but still you would have the ability to spend $250,000,000 plus. I can barely wrap my head around the thought of that much money. But believe me I know exactly what I would do with that money. I would fund so many adoptions – domestic and international. I would get rid of that “We just don’t have the money.” excuse. I would pay for surgeries for clefts, and little broken hearts, and club feet. Show Hope, Hope Foster Home and Love Without Boundaries and I would become fast friends. The work they do is so absolutely AMAZING! I would help them do even more. $25 million to each for starters. Just boom write out a check and let them do their work. Can you actually fit that many zeros on a check? 🙂 Foster homes would be funded because I believe that getting children out of institutionalized care is so important. Children would be fed. Wells would be dug. There are so many organizations around the world that are doing really great work. They just need support and funding. There are so many people who have given their lives to make a difference.
My dream of becoming a philanthropist would become a reality. My heart races with the thought of it all. But the odds are 1 in 17,500,000. I heard someone say that you have a better chance of being hit by lightning – TWICE! So now what? The news is just in and I didn’t win. So there is nothing I can do right? Wrong! I can do something. I can sponsor one child getting a cleft and that is huge to that child. I can give every time I hear about a family that is adopting. I can support those people and places that are making a difference and spread the word of what they are doing as often as I can. I believe that Satan wants us to believe the world is too evil. He wants us to believe that there is nothing we can do. He wants us to believe that we are helpless, but what is that saying about our God? I’m not able to do much, but God is able to do everything. Everything is possible through Christ. Everything. It’s time we take our eyes off of the new car, the new house, the new gadget, and put it where it really belongs – on those that are less fortunate that us. We have so much. Just think about how much is in your house right now. Do you really need more? I know I don’t. I want to make a difference. I want my life to matter. I want every day to be spent thinking about someone other than myself.
Why do I believe so much in adoption? Why? Because every day I wake up and see the most amazing scene. I see two little children who just 7 months ago were in an orphanage. Children that were quiet and afraid and wouldn’t even bother to cry because they had learned no one comes when you cry so why bother. How sad is that? What does that do to a child’s heart? Just weeks later, it had started to change and now months later they wake up with such joy that is it overwhelming. They are so content with the littlest things. They laugh and giggle and hug and kiss. They just want to be loved. How can we say that anything is more important that loving a child? How can we stand by and do nothing when we have so much?
I have had people who really don’t understand it. There are those who still think I have lost my mind, but after being around Ben and Maisey for even a little bit – they get it! When you stand in my yard and watch those two little ones run down a hill, just loving life, you know you’ve made a difference. Isn’t that what we really want? To make a difference. To have our lives matter. I don’t want to be remembered for the car I drove or how clean my house was (I can pretty much guarantee that one now.). I like being Ben’s mom, Maisey’s mom, Cassie’s mom, Zachary’s mom, Kyle’s mom, Codey’s mom, Hope’s mom, Lainey’s mom, Lauren’s mom, Eli’s mom, Gracie’s mom, Faith’s mom. It used to bother me that no one really knew my name, but now I’m okay with just being mama. I don’t care if anyone remembers me for anything more than having happy, content children, with compassionate hearts that put God first. If this happens, I will have made my mark on this world and will have made a difference. And I didn’t even need the lottery to do it.
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Standing by….
Warning! This video has graphic scenes at the very beginning from the Holocaust. I’m commenting on this NOT from a political view but from a view that atrocities are happening all over the world and we do nothing.
watch?v=EH_Izul6J5M&feature=youtu.be
I watched this video and it made me seriously consider what I would have done. I know I’ve talked about this before but God keeps placing these things in my path and making me really, truly search my heart. It’s easy to believe that you would do everything in your power to help because it’s hypothetical. I was not alive during the Holocaust. It’s easy to say I would have helped. No one can test me on my statement. But how often do we see horrible things happening and because it is on a screen we turn it off and move on. We read about atrocities and fold the newspaper and walk away. We see something on the computer and we may pass it on but then we’re done. We may talk about it to others but we do nothing. It’s over there. There’s nothing we can do. Is that the truth though? Is there nothing we can do?
The worst part about this video is the statement that when the trains rolled by they sang louder in the church to drown out the cries for help. Christians singing louder. It’s unbelievable. They knew when the train would roll by. They knew what was going on, but they did NOTHING! How many people do you have to have to make a difference? How many people need to come together to make a change? Can one person make a difference?
What train are you seeing? What is pulling at your heart yet you let things of this world drown it out? 21,000 children die every day from preventable causes. Mothers and children walk miles every day for water. Babies are dying in orphanages. Children with small defects are left in orphanages without a family of their own, slowly losing hope. What is your cause? What will you stand for? What will be the measure of your life? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Please take a moment and consider all that you have been given. Consider what you want your life to say. Consider being a hero in someone’s life. Take a stand. Make a difference. I’m using a sign I saw for pet adoption and tweaking it for children.
If you aren’t called to adopt, foster a child for a season or two.
If you can’t foster, sponsor a child for surgery, school, or their basic necessities.
If you can’t sponsor a child on a monthly basis, donate what you are able.
If you can’t donate, volunteer your time for a worthy organization.
If you can’t volunteer your time, then use your networks to spread the word.
Make a difference in the life of a child.
Be the change you want to see in the world. – Ghandi
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Top 10 interesting questions I’ve been asked since I’ve adopted.
I was unsure how to title this. Top 10 dumb questions….. Top 10 irritating questions….. Top 10 questions that drive me crazy…. Top 10 questions that made me want to say “did you really just say that?”…… Not quite sure what the title should be so I will just title it the obvious…. Top 10 interesting questions I’ve been asked since I’ve adopted.
#10 – Do you think it’s fair to your other children to bring more disabled children into your family?
Well, do you think it’s fair that your children are being raised by someone so narrow minded? Do you believe my children will somehow catch the disability? Or is it just because you think my children will somehow be lacking in material things or time because I adopted disabled children? Are you just concerned about my time management skills? Are you worried about our insurance premiums? What exactly is your problem with the children, who I’ve chosen to adopt, being disabled and would you say the same if I was adopting 6 healthy children?
#9 – Don’t you want to do something with your life?
I know they mean “don’t I want a job?” or “don’t I want to go back to school?”, but I believe I am doing something with my life. I’m following God’s plan for my life and loving every minute of it (well, most of them anyway). I believe I make a difference in all of my children’s lives. If you read Proverbs 31, you don’t read about a wife who is subservient and accomplishes nothing. You read about a wife who is respected and praised by her husband and children. She not only runs the household, she runs the business dealings of their family. I am very confident in who I am and what I want out of life. I love children and my dream when I was younger was to have 12 children. I thought that dream was long gone but God has shown me differently. I will admit that these questions bothered me when I was younger, but as I’ve aged I have come to the realization that I can do anything I set my mind to. I have nothing to prove to anyone, including myself. I am happy and feel blessed beyond measure. Plus, when I was growing up I wanted to be a nurse and/or a teacher. I may not have the degrees to show it but I have gotten to be both a teacher and a nurse to those that I love the most.
#8 – You really think God is telling you to do this?
Well, yes I do! I have had it happen quite a few times in my life. I have known something with such certainty that I would bet my life on it. I know these are my children. I know God has led them to me. It’s not like I have accepted every child I have seen. I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of hurting children. We’ve turned down children that were presented to us. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Saying no is never easy. Do I want to find those children families, of course I do, but I have always known when I was supposed to proceed with the paperwork and when I was supposed to say no. I have cried just seeing a child’s face. There is a difference between crying because you hear a sad story and stopping in your tracks, losing your breath, being brought to your knees, and knowing beyond a doubt that child is yours.
#7 – Why would you go to China?
This one is simple, because that is where God put my babies. I had to go get them. It wouldn’t make sense to go get my Asian babies in Uganda. 🙂
#6 – Do you have something against white kids?
This one just floored me. You are seriously going to ask me that? I have adopted domestically (Hope, who is Caucasian) so the answer would be no. I personally gave birth to a few too. What kind of question is that? Do you have something against Asian children? As a Christian I find that insulting because we are all children of God. We are all adopted into God’s family.
#5 – Well, if you didn’t adopt them, wouldn’t someone else do it?
Do you know this for sure? What about all the children that age out of the foster care system and the orphanage system? What happens to these children from China who are considered bad luck, have a last name that means orphan, as they are put on the street without much of an education, if any? Over the past 20 years the number one agency in Chinese adoptions (CCAI) has placed 10,000 children. That is an amazing number, but there are 800 orphanages in China alone. Between 1971 & 2001 there were approximately 250,000 children adopted internationally in the U.S. I can’t find a figure that shows more recent numbers, but I think that it goes without saying that there are way more orphans than there are people willing to step up and take them.
#4 – Why would you spend money on a child that you know is going to die?
Wow! Really? Did you just ask that? Why have a child at all? Do you have a guarantee or a warranty that came with your child? I had a perfectly healthy 7 year old who ended up with lupus and kidney disease. There are no guarantees. I believe that Benjamin deserves to be loved and to not die alone. I also know that if you spent even a few moments with him you would believe it too. He is a sweet, sweet soul and he deserves to be loved and given every chance at a wonderful life, no matter how long that life is.
#3 – Don’t you think you have enough children?
Can one really have enough children or too many children? It’s sort of like chips and oreos. You can’t stop at just one. Ha! Just kidding. Truly though I think it is a person by person call. I know what my limits are and I believe firmly in letting every child know how much they are loved. I believe in one on one time with each child. I also know that being loved by a huge family is better than being left alone in an orphanage where the ratio of care is often 20-30 children to 1 nanny. My other children are not suffering from our adopting, they are loving it.
#2 – Aren’t you are too old to be adopting!?!?
That comment ranks right up there with asking someone if they know they are fat. Don’t you think I know that I’m older? Do you think I haven’t give careful consideration to the fact that I might not be around to care for them as they grow older? It is the one thing that made me seriously consider not doing what I knew was right. I believe that a child who is truly loved, for any amount of time, is better than a child being left in a orphanage. Plus, these aren’t my first children. My older children are on board. We have prepared as best we can for any circumstance that arises. I am healthy and more than able to care for these little ones.
#1 – Don’t you know you can’t save all of them?
Obviously, I can’t adopt every orphan nor have I been called by God to adopt every orphan. I am, however, listening very closely to what He is telling me and adopting the ones I am personally called to adopt. I know that I can not adopt them all, but I can spread the word about adoption. I can say, without a doubt, that there are a hundred ways you can help without personally adopting (if that isn’t your calling). But the truth is that the number of orphans is estimated to be between 147 million and 163 million. The number of Christians in the world is estimated to be over 2 billion. I am pretty sure that we, as Christians who have been called to care for the widow and the orphan, could probably take care of the orphan problem all by ourselves. What an amazing testimony to the rest of the world that would be! What would it say to those who don’t believe if suddenly no child was hurting, starving, made to be a slave, or alone? What would it say indeed!
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Baby update
First, I will share a conversation that I had with Gracie the other day. It was my chuckle for the day.
Gracie – “Mom, are we ever going to fly on a plane again?”
Mom – “Sure honey after we are done and get all the kids here, I would love to take them to Disney World.”
Gracie – “So we are never going to fly on a plane again?”
Mom – “Why would you say that? Didn’t you just hear what I said?”
Gracie – “I heard you, but how will we ever know when we are done?”We have received pre-approval for Faith, a little one year old with a complex heart defect (one ventricle). We are still waiting on Eli’s papers. Eli is a one year old with a heart defect. We have not sent in the papers for Lauren (Min) yet because they think our best hope of getting all three is to present Eli & Lauren at the same time. I pray that it works. My heart would hurt to tell her no. I wish I could get the information to her. I know she is sitting there thinking her time is running out and here we are waiting to let her know. She turns 14 on June 1, 2013, after that she is no longer able to be adopted.
I can’t believe that I am excited to be trying to do 3 at once. Truth be told there is another little girl and if I could do 4 at once, I would gladly do it. The other little girl, Lainey, had another family in line in front of us. We had prayed that she would be adopted by them and had to make a choice to proceed with the others. These decisions are so hard. It breaks your heart. There are just so many children who need a family, but these 4 in particular have touched our hearts. I have not lost the irony of the fact that those 4 would make my dream come true and I would have my 12. 🙂
I don’t often talk about Dan. Mainly, because he is quiet and doesn’t like me bringing attention to his wonderfulness. He truly is my soul mate. He is so on board with all of these adoptions and has, in fact, admitted that he isn’t sure when we will be done. He is sure God will let us know though. He is such a blessing to me. He truly understands my heart. Most men would think their wives have lost their minds, but Dan holds me when I cry and tells me how we will make this work. We will ask them to approve 3 children and maybe 4. If they say no, we will pray for those children to be adopted, but if they are still available when we get back, then we will start again. We will bring our babies home. It will just take longer than I would want it to. He always has plan A, plan B, and plan C. I love him for that. He is my protector, my source of strength, and my comforter.
Hopefully, we will hear something soon. Please continue to pray for the process to move forward and for our children to remain safe. I know God is in control and I try to turn it over all the time, but my heart just hurts waiting.
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Unwanted
I just finished reading Christine Caine’s book Undaunted. Here’s a somewhat funny story before I start on my ramblings. It took me two weeks of hiding in the bathroom (because it is the only place people will leave me alone) reading a chapter at a time to get the book done. I left it with Dan one day while I went out, with all the children for a couple of hours, and when I came home he handed me the book and said how good it was. Not sure if I’m a slow reader or if the constant interruptions really do make a difference. Hmmmm…..I wonder. 🙂
Anyway, I often wonder what to tell my children about their adoptions. I have been as honest and as kind as I can be with Hopey. I have always told her the truth though. I don’t know why her biological mom did what she did, but the truth is her biological mom did abandon her. Her pre-adoptive parents did back out and her biological mother left her there in the hospital. There were those who told me I should sugar coat it or not tell her at all, but I didn’t want to build our relationship on half truths. I don’t need to be brutally honest but I need to tell her the truth. She could order her medical records at any time and see that it said to not treat and withdraw the meds, which would have led to her death. Those same records say her biological mother abandoned her. The truth is there in black and white for her to read. I won’t lie to her. I will answer her questions as honestly as I can without being cruel. I want her to know that at all times I am telling her the honest truth. I don’t want her to doubt anything I say, including when I profess my love for her.
At first I admit, I had reservations about Hope finding her biological mom if she ever chose to. It didn’t take very long for me to be secure in her love for me and for me to not feel like I might someday be replaced. Human emotions aren’t always rational and my mommy heart was unsure. I had always hoped that her biological mom would check on her. We gave her our lawyers number and told her to call whenever she wanted to know anything. We had hoped she would at least check to see if Hope made it through the first surgery. She didn’t call, nor has she called in all these years. So now my reason for not wanting Hope to look for her biological mom isn’t because I might be replaced, but that she could really hurt Hope. There are worse things then being abandoned and there are many worse things she could say to my girl.
I pray for Hope’s biological mom’s heart to heal. I pray for all of my adopted children’s mothers. What a hard choice. No matter what reason whether it be because you hoped they’d find a better life, get the treatment they needed, or you were too afraid to proceed with the medical conditions – it’s not a choice most mothers could make. I also know that they may have been abandoned without much of a backward glance. I mean how could you walk away from your 9 month old in a park? Did Ben’s biological dad just drop him off there and Ben’s biological mom didn’t know for a while? We have heard this sometimes happens in China. Why was Maisey left in a stairwell? How can people just walk away? My heart just hurts when I hear those things. Ben and Maisey’s adoptions have helped Hope though. I have asked her what Ben and Maisey did to be abandoned. She says, “Nothing!” This truth has helped more than all my words through the years. Sometimes people do things we can’t understand through no fault of our own. It is hard to not take it personally, but it doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you.
I have always told Hope that this was God’s plan. She was supposed to be with us and He found a way to get her here. But as a child, when you feel you aren’t loved, for who you are or you weren’t wanted….it hurts. There is no way to get around that. What I liked about what Christine Caine said was that even though the country of Australia said she was unnamed and unwanted that that was not the truth. The truth is she was named by God and she is loved and wanted by Him. (Psalm 139:13-16). I will quote those scriptures to Hope. She was never unwanted – God formed her and made her. She was never unnamed – God has always known her name. (Isaiah 43:1) She is a chosen child of God and God is a Father who will never leave her. The truth is in the Bible. The truth is not whatever her biological mom, her medical records, or the world says. She has always been wanted by God, there has always been a plan, and she is a beloved child of God’s family and this family.
I have often talked about all the miracles that happened for her to end up with us. I believe with my whole heart that Hope was always meant to be my daughter. I feel the same about my other two. From the instant I saw their faces, I would have died for them. They were meant to be my children just as much as the ones I carried in my womb. I wondered about adopting an older child. Would I feel the same? It’s easy with a baby. Who doesn’t love a little baby? I can honestly say it wasn’t any different with Ben or Maisey. I saw their pictures and I knew. I had months to pray for them and to ask God to let them know we were coming. Dan often prayed for them to be able to dream about us. I love that he did that. From the moment, Ben and Maisey were placed in our arms, it has felt right. I understand how I felt, but how did they know? It has to be a God thing. We have been so blessed and it wasn’t any different because they weren’t babies.
Their stories may seem sad to some and I understand that. But the other part is how miraculous their lives are. I am blessed daily with their presence and I often think about their biological mothers and how much they are missing. I have been blessed with three of the sweetest souls. I hope that I am able, with God’s help, to let them know just what a gift their lives have been. They are loved. They are named. They were chosen!
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Hope is fading.
I think about little Lauren (Jasmine) and I want to get word to her not to give up, but I’m not allowed to send anything until we get our preapproval. How many children are sitting there just waiting for a forever family? How many have all but given up hope?
I’m having a really hard time with this lately. When I say we are adopting again, people say, “Why?”, they ask “Are you crazy?”, they ask “What about your other kids?” “Aren’t you busy enough?”. No, I’m not! God didn’t place me on this earth to take it easy and sit around watching t.v.. He placed me on this earth to do His will. HIS will not mine. I’m following His leading because it has been so beautiful and has blessed my life in so many ways before.
I truly can not tell you how much I love Benjamin and Maisey. I can not find the words to adequately describe it. They have fit into our family so easily. To hear their laughter does my soul good. To see my other children love them with their whole hearts is just an amazing sight.
I look at Ben who just 5 months ago had given up. If you had seen him those first few days, your heart would have broken too. He wanted to be loved so much. He was so full of love and little boy fun – running everywhere, so happy to have food readily available. While we were in the hotel we would get a glimpse of the real Benjamin. As the days went by, he would laugh more and play more. He was so happy to be loved. That is what he truly wanted just to be loved. Doesn’t everyone want that? So why is it we can’t understand a child wanting a forever family?
I’ve said it before and I will say it probably many times more, I know not everyone is called to adopt. Everyone, however, can help someone else adopt. It’s expensive. Money should not stop anyone from adopting. If you know of someone who is adopting, help them out in any way you can. Support them, comfort them, pray with them, be the hands and feet of Christ.
You will be making a change in a child’s life! You will bring hope to a heart that is hurting.
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Laughter
I am, on most days, a very happy person. I wake up joyful. I go to sleep joyful and I am happy to get to live my blessed life. I love to laugh. I think it does your soul good. When you are filled with laughter, when you can laugh at yourself, when you can laugh at what life throws your way, you find contentment. Because little things don’t matter, some days are hard, people make mistakes, mean words get said, but love of family and friends is what truly matters. Trusting in a God that is in control frees you up to not worry about trivial things. To be truly content you can’t take things of this world all that seriously. I think God wants us to understand that. I think God gets humor. I think laughter is a form of praise. When we can look at a situation and find humor in it and not let it ruin our day, you are in fact saying, “God you are in control. God your way is right. Satan throw at me what you might, but I will still sing with joy to the Lord!” Richard Exley said it well. “We can hug our hurts and make a shrine out of our sorrows or we can offer them to God as a sacrifice of praise. The choice is ours.” Take that hurt or trial and offer it to God. It is a form of praise to laugh at what life throws your way and trust in what God has planned.
Which is why I truly think God laughs*. I know that is assigning human emotions to Him, and that simplifies it. I know that God is much more than that, but I think He has to think like a parent and I can tell you that I laugh daily at the things my children do. I believe God sees us trying to control our world or obey what He is calling us to do as we work frantically to put our own parameters around it. Little tiny yes, buts…. and He has to chuckle. He has to be saying, “Child, if you could only see what I have planned for you…but okay you just keep thinking that.”
Just the other day Dan and I drove around. We were having an in-depth conversation about how many more we were going to try to adopt. I have to add here that many people think I talked Dan into adopting. It was Dan that fell in love with Hope. It took a year from when he asked me to consider adopting again for me to say yes. Many have heard me say that it wasn’t until I read Mary Beth Chapman’s book “Choosing to See” and read her question-“Is it better for a child to have an older mother or no mother at all?”- that I finally agreed that God was indeed asking us to step out of our comfort zone and adopt again. Age had been the only thing holding me back.
When we were heading home from China, I knew we were supposed to go back again. It made no logical sense, but I knew it to the core of my being. Dan, however, looked at me and said, “No!”… and it was a pretty emphatic no. I never said another word about it because if there is anything I know about how God works it’s that if it is meant to be, God will work on Dan’s heart. I don’t need to say a thing. I trust and go about my business. A few weeks later Dan told me that he was thinking maybe we should adopt again, but only one this time. A few weeks later he casually mentioned in a conversation that “When we go back to China we should….” A few weeks after that he was talking about how good it was when we got two last time because they had each other and we should do it again. I laughed. God is so good.
We’ve been reading the blogs of many other very large families. Blogs that are so moving, many of which I’ve shared on my Facebook page. These blogs were sent to me when I needed them the most. I love how God does that. He sends you just the right tidbit of information that helps you move forward. Anyway, we were discussing the fact that we had to be careful about an older child because we had to protect our younger children. Unfortunately, many of the children that are older have had trauma. You have to be ready to deal with that hurt and sometimes they lash out at others. I’ve seen families have a fairly smooth transition, but I’ve heard about many who have had to really work through things. Not that I’m afraid to work at something. I just need to be sure I can be all that I need to be for someone.
We discussed how many more we could truly handle. We discussed how many is too many? Does anyone really know? I’ve heard people say one is the right number or two or ten. As a family, how do you decide? We decided to just follow where God leads. He’s done it 3 times before. I wish I could truly explain what it feels like when you see a picture of a child and have your heart just ripped out of your chest. You know it is your child. We have felt moved to pray for many, many a child. We have seen thousands of pictures of sweet, little faces and been moved, but there is something different about certain children. I’ve had to say no before. I’ve prayed about a child and known it wasn’t right. I’ve also felt a tugging and prayed and prayed for a forever family for a child and celebrated when that came to be even though it wasn’t us. But sometimes you see a child’s face and you know your life is going to change.
I was reading a Love Without Boundaries blog and saw a little girl’s face. As I said, I’ve seen many faces before but when I saw the sweet face on this little thirteen year old girl in a wheelchair, my heart just hurt. I read the blog as tears flowed down my face. I went to the bathroom and cried so no one else knew I was crying. I was so moved by her story. I was so touched by that sweet face, but I remembered Dan and my conversation. We had decided no older children so I prayed and prayed and prayed for her all day. I saw someone else ask about her on the Facebook page. I read about how everyone who had met her said she was just so sweet and they couldn’t believe she hadn’t been adopted yet. I wondered why some children with sweet souls don’t ever get chosen? But I didn’t say a word to Dan because we had made our decision.
That day was Dan’s birthday and I was on the computer. He walked up to me and had tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong. Why was he upset? He sees and hears many sad things with his job. It is not unusual for his heart to be touched by some story, but still for him to be visibly upset I knew something was really wrong. He said, “I need you to look at this article.” I figured it was going to be another story of heartbreak and I sat there as he pulled up the story on the same little girl. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I know what we said, but I think we need to look into adopting this little girl.” And I laughed out loud. It was just so funny. Dan looked at me like I was crazy. He was upset and I laughed. I finally explained what had happened to me earlier in the day with the same little girl and we both laughed.
This is how I know God has a sense of humor. We say, “I’ll do this, this, and this, but not this” and God says, “No, my child you will do what I call you to do even when it doesn’t make sense.” He sends you these little things to test you. Now I don’t know if this little girl is supposed to be ours or if her story is supposed to make me tell it so that others pray so she finally does find a family or if God just laid her on my heart as a test to see what I would do. I’ll have to wait and see how it all plays out, but I’m telling you God says, “Don’t put limits on what I ask of you. Don’t tell me that this is not right. I will tell you what is right. I will lead you. Your job is to just trust and follow!”
*The One enthroned in heaven laughs; the Lord scoffs at them. Psalm 2:4
You can read about Lauren on the Love Without Boundaries page. http://www.lwbcommunity.org/laurens-last-chance-for-a-family
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