• Unwanted

    Date: 2012.09.25 | Category: Adoption, Hope | Tags:

    I just finished reading Christine Caine’s book Undaunted.  Here’s a somewhat funny story before I start on my ramblings.  It took me two weeks of hiding in the bathroom (because it is the only place people will leave me alone) reading a chapter at a time to get the book done.  I left it with Dan one day while I went out, with all the children for a couple of hours, and when I came home he handed me the book and said how good it was.  Not sure if I’m a slow reader or if the constant interruptions really do make a difference.  Hmmmm…..I wonder. 🙂

    Anyway, I often wonder what to tell my children about their adoptions.  I have been as honest and as kind as I can be with Hopey.  I have always told her the truth though.  I don’t know why her biological mom did what she did, but the truth is her biological mom did abandon her. Her pre-adoptive parents did back out and her biological mother left her there in the hospital.  There were those who told me I should sugar coat it or not tell her at all, but I didn’t want to build our relationship on half truths.  I don’t need to be brutally honest but I need to tell her the truth.  She could order her medical records at any time and see that it said to not treat and withdraw the meds, which would have led to her death.  Those same records say her biological mother abandoned her.  The truth is there in black and white for her to read.  I won’t lie to her.  I will answer her questions as honestly as I can without being cruel.  I want her to know that at all times I am telling her the honest truth.  I don’t want her to doubt anything I say, including when I profess my love for her.

    At first I admit, I had reservations about Hope finding her biological mom if she ever chose to.  It didn’t take very long for me to be secure in her love for me and for me to not feel like I might someday be replaced.   Human emotions aren’t always rational and my mommy heart was unsure.  I had always hoped that her biological mom would check on her.   We gave her our lawyers number and told her to call whenever she wanted to know anything.   We had hoped she would at least check to see if Hope made it through the first surgery.  She didn’t call, nor has she called in all these years.  So now my reason for not wanting Hope to look for her biological mom isn’t because I might be replaced, but that she could really hurt Hope.  There are worse things then being abandoned and there are many worse things she could say to my girl.

    I pray for Hope’s biological mom’s heart to heal.  I pray for all of my adopted children’s mothers.  What a hard choice.  No matter what reason whether it be because you hoped they’d find a better life, get the treatment they needed, or you were too afraid to proceed with the medical conditions – it’s not a choice most mothers could make.  I also know that they may have been abandoned without much of a backward glance.  I mean how could you walk away from your 9 month old in a park?  Did Ben’s biological dad just drop him off there and Ben’s biological mom didn’t know for a while?  We have heard this sometimes happens in China.  Why was Maisey left in a stairwell?  How can people just walk away?  My heart just hurts when I hear those things.  Ben and Maisey’s adoptions have helped Hope though.  I have asked her what Ben and Maisey did to be abandoned.  She says, “Nothing!”  This truth has helped more than all my words through the years.  Sometimes people do things we can’t understand through no fault of our own.  It is hard to not take it personally, but it doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you.

    I have always told Hope that this was God’s plan.  She was supposed to be with us and He found a way to get her here.  But as a child, when you feel you aren’t loved, for who you are or you weren’t wanted….it hurts.  There is no way to get around that.  What I liked about what Christine Caine said was that even though the country of Australia said she was unnamed and unwanted that that was not the truth.  The truth is she was named by God and she is loved and wanted by Him.  (Psalm 139:13-16).  I will quote those scriptures to Hope.  She was never unwanted – God formed her and made her.  She was never unnamed – God has always known her name. (Isaiah 43:1)  She is a chosen child of God and God is a Father who will never leave her.  The truth is in the Bible.  The truth is not whatever her biological mom, her medical records, or the world says.  She has always been wanted by God, there has always been a plan, and she is a beloved child of  God’s family and this family.

    I have often talked about all the miracles that happened for her to end up with us.  I believe with my whole heart that Hope was always meant to be my daughter.  I feel the same about my other two.   From the instant I saw their faces, I would have died for them.  They were meant to be my children just as much as the ones I carried in my womb.  I wondered about adopting an older child.  Would I feel the same?  It’s easy with a baby.  Who doesn’t love a little baby?  I can honestly say it wasn’t any different with Ben or Maisey.  I saw their pictures and I knew.  I had months to pray for them and to ask God to let them know we were coming.   Dan often prayed for them to be able to dream about us.  I love that he did that.  From the moment, Ben and Maisey were placed in our arms, it has felt right.  I understand how I felt, but how did they know?  It has to be a God thing.  We have been so blessed and it wasn’t any different because they weren’t babies.

    Their stories may seem sad to some and I understand that.  But the other part is how miraculous their lives are.  I am blessed daily with their presence and I often think about their biological mothers and how much they are missing.  I have been blessed with three of the sweetest souls.  I hope that I am able, with God’s help, to let them know just what a gift their lives have been.  They are loved.  They are named.  They were chosen!