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Waiting is the hardest part…
Once your heart has been taken. Once that picture is placed in front of you. Once God has grabbed hold of your heart and wrapped it up so completely that you can barely wait another moment to hold them, you start to dream and the wait begins. Waiting is truly the hardest part because the process is so painstakingly slow. It’s hard to fathom why you have to jump through so many hoops; why you have to fill out reams and reams of paperwork for a child that has been abandoned; why when they are just sitting in an orphanage; you can’t just go get them. There has to be an easier way to get these sick and hurting children into loving homes much faster. But for now my only option is to follow the rules, wait and pray and pray and pray. Pray that they will stay healthy enough until we can get them. Pray that I’m given the chance to let them know how much they are loved. Pray that they are being cared for. Pray that somehow they can feel in their hearts that they have a family.
When you start the process all you have is a picture and very little information. It’s sort of like seeing that ultrasound and wanting so much to just see that little face in person. Yet, at the same time it is very, very different. The difference is your child isn’t safe and warm in utero. Your child is in a cold orphanage. They may be being cared for. They may be getting the proper amount of food, but they may not be. They may have friends that they play with or they may be being bullied in ways that you can’t even imagine. They may have a nanny who truly cares, but you just don’t know and that is the hardest part. No matter what is happening, it still isn’t family. There is something to be said for being comforted and knowing that your parents will keep you safe. When we got Ben and Maisey, they wouldn’t even cry when they got hurt. Maisey had no way to express herself so she would throw herself to the floor with very little provocation. It didn’t take long for that to stop – all we had to do was explain things and listen to her. My heart just melted the other day when Maisey ran to her daddy for him to kiss her booboo on her toe. She knows she’s loved and that people care if she’s hurt. Ben and Maisey know they have many, many people who love them. They know they will be listened to. They know there is always food. They know they will be held whenever they come running. We take a lot for granted as parents. Trust, affection, love, adoration are all wonderful gifts given freely from our children and we rarely give it a second thought.
There are many different types of orphanages. There are state of the art orphanages and there are orphanages that don’t even have doors or windows. There are orphanages where they try their best to make sure that the child is cared for to the best of their abilities and there are orphanages where the children are slowly starving to death for both food and love. There are orphanages with interaction and love and there are orphanages where they prop the bottle and check on them in 4 hours. I have a hard time comprehending the difference in cultures. I can’t even wrap my mind around someone not holding and rocking a baby. I’ve heard about orphanages where they won’t even hold a child that has downs syndrome or another disability because they believe these children will never be loved so you shouldn’t show them any affection. It is shocking to me the lack of value of life. How is it even imaginable that someone could watch a child slowly starve to death when they had the ability to change it? How can life mean so little? It is just so different. Here in America we have the occasional story where someone disposes of a child like they were trash. But just recently there was a news story in China where one woman saved 30 babies from the trash. That is one town and one woman. I know you can not possibly give individual attention to each baby if you are caring for 20 or more by yourself. I know they believe if they are fed and changed, they have done their job. But that is not nearly enough.
What if your child is older? This has put a whole new spin on it for us. We know she wants to go to school but isn’t able to because of wheelchair accessibility. Think about your 13 year old wanting to learn. Wanting so much to be able to learn but the classroom is just out of reach so she sits there alone knowing that her disability keeps her from learning. You want to help, but you are a half a world away. It’s one thing to lose days when your child is 1, but losing days when your child is 13 1/2 is so much more disheartening. I want her to have all that she is able to dream about. I want her to read and write and do arithmetic. I want her to learn about God. I want her to trust that even though it doesn’t make sense that she spent 6 years in an orphanage, that God can use it for good. That her life has worth. That her life will touch more people than she can even imagine. I want her to understand that God has always been there. I hope she can feel His peace. I hope He has brought her the comfort we have prayed for. I hope that she is ready to be treasured by a whole family that is so ready to love her. Her life is going to change and she will change ours. I can’t wait until I can touch her sweet face. I can’t wait to hold her hand and tell her that we will always be there. I want to brush her hair and hold her close. It hurts that I have to wait. It breaks my heart that she has to spend one more day there. I hate that she has to wait but I pray that we will be there soon. I pray that she is ready for a very loud house. I pray that she is ready to be cherished. I pray that she is ready for 6 younger siblings that will adore her and 3 older ones who will dote on her and one virtual twin that is excited beyond excited to have a sister.
I love this saying. It describes our house best. In this house we do second chances. We do loud really well. We do love. We do grace. We do real. We do hugs. We do I’m sorrys. We do family. We do faith.
Her second chance is coming and I feel so blessed that I get to be a part of it. I hope I can convey just how wonderful she is, just how loved she truly is, and that she can dream BIG and make it reality. I know it is hard for some people to understand how you can love a child when you have only just seen a picture. I can’t explain how God works but I can tell you that she IS my daughter and I would go to the ends of the earth to keep her safe. I will follow the rules and the regulations, but I will not let her go. I will fight for everything she deserves. I will be there soon sweetheart. I wish I could change your past but I can not, but I can and will change your future. I can’t wait to see the path that God has laid out for you. I will walk beside you. I will hold you up when life tries to knock you down. I will cheer for you and encourage you in any way that I can. I will let you know you are cherished and loved. I will do all that I can because I AM your mom!
