Search results for keyword(s): ‘codey’
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Jasmine Flower
“The Flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.” – Mulan
I always said I would never adopt an older child. I always said it wouldn’t be a good fit with the family and that was the truth. It is harder to bring an older child into your home and have them accept the ways of your home. Our house can be loud. Our house can be kind of crazy sometimes. Our house is full of love and fun and singing, but life with Codey isn’t the usual. Not many 26 year olds scoot on the floor and growl when they are upset. It was just easier to have a child grow up around him. I worried an older child wouldn’t accept and love him.
I’ve read the stories posted to Facebook of frustrated parents. I read the blogs and other articles. Older children are more set in their ways. They have a belief system in place. They are hardened by all the hard knocks they’ve taken in their lives and it will take lots of work to reach them. They are angry and mad at the world. They have learned institutional behavior. They can steal, lie, and more. They have walls that they have built very high to protect themselves. I wasn’t sure I was up to any of that.
Plus, an older child can call you out on things. An older child can tell you that you are wrong. An older child can say they don’t like you and articulate all the reasons why. They might never accept you. They might resent you. They might never truly accept you as their mother. I knew my heart couldn’t handle that.
Then I saw her face.
And in an instant all those doubts didn’t matter. OUR daughter was half way around the world and we needed to go get her. We couldn’t let her age out in another country. She was no longer an orphan, she was a loved child of this family. In an instant everything changed.
God works that way sometimes. We can be adamant about not doing something and then He shows us how wrong we have been. Jasmine has been through many hard times. She should be a hardened, angry teenager, but she is not. She is a sweet, beautiful soul with a smile that lights up the room.
From the moment we first saw her, she has been smiling. You might not know it by looking at her sitting in her wheelchair, but Jasmine can do very little for herself. If you knock her over, there is nothing she can do about it. We have to move her from place to place. We have to sit her up. We have to dress her. And yet…..she smiled when we had to take her to the bathroom that very first time. She smiled when we had to strip her down and hold her in place on a footstool in the shower. She smiled when I changed her clothes and it didn’t go quite as smoothly as I had hoped. We were strangers and she just trusted me and gave me that very sweet smile.
Recently she admitted that she had been afraid, but in China they had told her she would go to a place where she would be hurt and not fed. She said, at that point, trusting her new mama and daddy didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Can you imagine? You can’t run away. You can’t call someone on the phone for help. You don’t have many, if any choices, so you are just going to trust these two Americans you have never met because it seems like a much better option than what will happen if you stay. What amazing bravery, hope and courage Jasmine had.
Jasmine can be very silly. She likes to take your phone and take silly selfies. You never know what you will find.
Jasmine also shared with me that she wasn’t silly in China. She said she was silly when she met me because I am silly. I will admit that I am pretty silly in life. I love to laugh. I like to make up songs about the most ridiculous things. I like to hear my children laugh. It’s the best sound in the world and I will be as silly as I have to be to get them to laugh. So when I was in China, carrying my new daughter under her arms while Cassie had her knees, trying to get through the smallest bathroom door you’ve ever seen and then strip her down and stand there so she doesn’t fall off….well, what else was there to do but sing a show tune? And Jasmine smiled and then the most beautiful thing happened….she laughed. That very first day she laughed.
But things can steal Jasmine’s smile away and that is really hard on this mama’s heart. When she wakes up shaking because she had a nightmare and starts to tell me the dream and I say, “It’s okay sweetheart. You’re awake now. It’s not real.” and she says, “Yes, it is mommy. It really happened.” and it’s beyond anything you can even imagine. Your heart hurts. It hurts for all the pain she’s had to endure. It hurts because there is nothing you can do about the past. It hurts because her sweet soul didn’t deserve any of it. It hurts because ITS.JUST.NOT.FAIR!!!! It hurts because she was alone for way too long.
I’m thankful that we can be there for her now. Yesterday was another one of those days when she just trusts. They had to put in an i.v. and sedate her for her MRI. Her body is just too contractured for her to lie still in the MRI machine. She tried really hard to do it when we last tried, but she just couldn’t lie still enough. She trusted me when I said it was going to be okay. She trusted me when they put the needle in her hand. She trusted me as they hooked her up to all the monitors. She trusted me as they put the mask on her face and she drifted off to sleep. She fell asleep to my murmured “I love yous” and she trusted that I would be there when she woke up.
For a child who has been abandoned, that is huge. She has told us how they dropped her off with just a picture of her mama. How she sat there waiting for someone to help her. She doesn’t say much more except to say she was very scared. She shares mostly with Gracie after they are tucked in at night. She shares with Gracie because it is Grace who climbs in bed with her when she is afraid. It is Gracie who holds her hand and tells her it is going to be okay before she comes to get us. It is Gracie who she calls best friend. Jasmine has a hard time sharing a lot of the bad things that happened to her. She will tell Gracie but she doesn’t want us to know.
But every once in a while, when we are alone in the car or like last night when everyone else had fallen asleep, she decides to share some things with me. Jasmine told me that it’s good that I’m going to be a mama to 14. I laughed and said, “It is? Why?” She then told me that I make her happy. She said, Mama you are good with kids and you love orphans and that is a very, very good thing. She told me how much she loves me and how happy I make her. She thanked me for saving her and for loving her and for saving and loving Kelly and Elyse before I even got to China. That was the best compliment I have ever received.
She told me how much she loves the other kids, especially Evie, and Gracie is her best friend. She told me she likes when they all tell her good night and they all say “I love you” in the morning. I asked her if she understood Hope’s story? I told her Hopey’s story in the simplest terms that I could. I told her sometimes things happen to us that have nothing to do with us. I asked her if she understood that and she said no. So I asked her if she thought Evie had done anything to be an orphan. She said, “Oh no mama, Evie is wonderful.” I then asked her about Eli, Ben, Maisey, Lainey and even Hope. Jasmine told me that she never understood it before but she does now. She loves America. She loves her big family. She loves her mama and she adores her daddy.
I love her daddy too because he understands that daughters want to be loved by their daddies. He is the kind of daddy who does things like this.
I almost missed out on one of the biggest blessings in my life. I am not overlooking how hard it can be and how much work there is and how horribly it is going to end. I’m not. Life can be and most often is messy. But the blessings of being Jasmine’s mama far outweigh any of those things.
There are many things wrong with international adoptions. There is fraud, the paperwork is neverending, it costs too much and takes too long. The lists you can use for excuses are long. You can spend days thinking of all the reasons why you shouldn’t adopt, but I’m telling you that the blessings you will receive are beyond compare. Don’t let a scary story stop you from following God’s lead. Sometimes jumping in when you are most afraid leads to the biggest blessings of all.
Sometimes the most beautiful flowers, which have bloomed in adversity, make your garden more beautiful than you could have ever imagined.
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Providing care does not mean you care
What Kind of Doctor Do You Want To Be?
September 16, 2011In all our experiences over the years, we have seen two types of doctors, doctors who provide care and doctors who truly care. You might think they are one and the same, but you’d be mistaken. As a doctor, you might become very knowledgeable about your particular specialty. You may be able to look at a laundry list of conditions and tell exactly what my son has. You might be able to quote figures and percentages and tell me what the odds are that my son will ever walk or talk. I will tell you though that my son is not hydrocephalus. My son is not cerebral palsy. My son is not the numerous other labels that have been placed on him. If when you look at him, that is all you can see, you might be able to provide care but you won’t care.
Codey – 2 pounds 7 ounces
Edward Albert once said the simple act of caring is heroic. You might not think that it is heroic to care, but I tell you it is. Picture this:
A mother, standing at the bedside, wearing scrubs because she hasn’t had time to take a shower let alone drive home to get clothes. Her son is hospitalized, again, she’s tired, worried, worn out and afraid. The neurosurgeon walks into the room and looks at her son.
“How is he upstairs?” He asks.
The mother, who is rightly confused asks, “What?”
“You know,” he says, “how is he mentally?”
“What difference does that make?” she asks.
“Well, it just does.”
Nurses, who have been watching the whole thing unfold, are horrified by what they hear. The nurses take the shaking, visibly upset mother out of the room. Since this doctor is the neurosurgeon on call, she has to entrust her sons care him. She doesn’t have a choice. Her son needs surgery and he needs it now. She cries and worries that maybe the doctor won’t care. Maybe he won’t try as hard. Maybe he’ll just let her son go after she has fought so hard to keep him alive.
When her son comes out of surgery, this neurosurgeon comes into the empty waiting room. At the same time he sees the parents, he hears the t.v., which is blaring the Olympics. He turns away from the parents and watches what is happening on the t.v. When they ask how their son is doing, he holds up his hand to shush them until he sees the race finish. He treats them as if they don’t matter.
He was such a sweet, sweet baby!
Compare this to the neurologist who knows how much she cares for her son because he’s spent time at her bedside. He’s taken the time to come visit with them when her son wasn’t in pain. He’s visited when her son wasn’t so sick he couldn’t even stay awake. He has seen him watch Price is Right. He has seen him laugh out loud. He has seen the love they share. This is the neurologist who holds her hand while she makes the calls, once again to her family. This is the doctor who offers to make the calls himself. This is the man she will remember fondly for the rest of her life because he took the time to care about her son.
To her this doctor is a hero, as are the other physicians and nurses who took the time to care about her child. I could sit and list all the things that were done wrong. The list, which is unfortunately long, would include the care that caused my son’s severe brain damage. I could talk about the care that wasn’t given in a timely manner. I could talk about all the times I cried because the doctor wouldn’t listen. But today I’m going to talk about the positives, the people that showed how much they care.
There was a doctor who made the resident cross out all the times this resident listed mental retardation in my son’s chart because Codey wasn’t old enough for that diagnosis and our doctor didn’t want Codey labeled with something we weren’t sure about yet. Did it matter in the long run? No. Did he show he cared? Yes.
I can talk about the pediatrician that took the time to sit on the floor during my son’s first routine visit and just play with him. She tried to overcome Codey’s severe anxiety over anyone in a white coat who came near him. She spent precious time just playing with him on the floor. Would you say she cared?
Snuggling with Cassie!
I can talk about the nurse who rode with my son to Iowa City to get his trach because they wouldn’t allow family in the ambulance. This same nurse sends birthday cards 24 years later. This nurse has attended my other children’s graduation parties. I realize this level of care isn’t always possible but it has been a blessing to our family.
I can talk about the nurses who bought my son a regular crib with their own money and decorated it with Christmas lights because he had been in the NICU for 8 months. The same nurses treated us like family.
I can talk about the doctor who was honest enough to admit that if he tried to trach Codey, he might kill him. This doctor recommended we go to Iowa City where they had more experience. You might think that is wrong to admit that you can’t or don’t know something. I tell you, it is honorable. It is the right thing to do. It will earn you that parent’s trust because you proved you care more about the patient’s life than your ego.
The reality is you may be very, very bright and be a wonderful technician, but if you don’t look like you care, the parent’s won’t trust you. All it takes is a hand held, a moment to show that you care. It can be something as simple as remembering the patient’s name and taking the time to directly speak to them.
Our daughter, Hope, has a complicated heart defect called, hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Hope had a cardiologist that we have known for years. Every time we came into the appointment, we felt like we were catching him up. It was frustrating because we never felt like he put any thought into her care. We always felt like he was seeing just one frame in the whole movie. He provided competent care, but did he truly care?
Compare that to Hope’s new cardiologist. Before we even had our first appointment, he took her chart to present at a cardiology conference. Hope had a pulmonary stent that had cracked and he was unsure what the best course of action would be. He presented her case and got advice from 100’s of doctors before she was even truly his patient.
Both cardiologists were bright. Both knew what they were talking about. Who do you think we trusted more? Who showed that they cared?
If you want to make a difference you need to care and not just provide care. You need to take the time to get to know your patients. That textbook won’t tell you who that patient is or who their family is. You will never know that patient better than their parents do. Don’t talk down to the parent that spends 24 hours a day with this child. The patient is not their condition. My son is not the shunt case in bed 3. He has a name and many, many people who love him.
I know that your days are packed with people to care for. I know that sometimes the cases are sad and overwhelming. I know that sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it to go that extra mile. I know that the hours are long and the overnight care get tedious, but with all that being said, you really need to consider if you want to be the person families remember with fondness or the person they wish they could forget?
Be a hero. This isn’t something you can fake. You either care or you don’t. If you don’t care, maybe you shouldn’t be in medicine. On the other hand, if you take the time to know the patient and support the parents and truly give of yourself – your time, your support, your caring – well, then you might just be someone’s hero.
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Best Buddies
Sometimes things happen in life that you could never, ever imagine happening.
To most people, this picture will just look like two siblings snuggled up together, but I’m telling you it is so much more.
Lainey is a little girl mostly non-verbal, with severe limitations, who most the time doesn’t really pay attention to what is going on around her. She is in her own little world a lot of the day.
Codey likes to stay pretty much to himself too. He doesn’t like to share his room with the littles, although they love his noise-making toys, so they are always trying to sneak into his room. Codey has a couple phrases that he can say but he is pretty non-verbal too.
Yet, for whatever reason Lainey loves Codey. Codey scoots around on the floor and she loves to run up behind him and lay her head on his back. She likes to help him along and has even been known to sit on his lap while he is trying to scoot. They are just so cute together.
She runs into his room, throwing the door open announcing herself, and climbs on his bed. He just pretty much lets her be. She snuggles up on his bed with a bottle and he watches t.v. from his comfy chair.
I can guarantee you when I imagined us adopting again, I never pictured this. I worried about how much it would stress Codey out. I wondered about how he would react to them. I wondered how they would respond to a 26 year old boy who scoots around on the floor and growls when he is upset. It’s not the normal for sure.
But this…..this is….so much more than I could have ever hoped for. This is the biggest blessing.
So much so, that when I saw this picture, I cried.
Feeling very blessed indeed!
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Step Two – COMPLETE!
There are many steps in the adoption process. There are many abbreviations and letters for each step in the process. All of it can be quite confusing and overwhelming. I will try to describe it in a little more detail below.
Today I was feeling anxious and nervous about the whole process. I am excited to share her story but know so many things can still go wrong. Every time I talk about her, it becomes just a little more real. It’s sort of like when you are first pregnant. You are anxious to talk about it but you know so many things can go wrong so you hold onto those feelings, trying to protect your heart from the pain if it doesn’t go as if you hoped. The reality is that you already love this child that you have yet to meet. It won’t really matter if you try to hold back. Your heart is already gone.
I don’t want to be that way. I want to expectantly wait upon the Lord. I recently read a blog about just that fact. (Blog) On this blog she had a George Mueller quote. If you don’t know his story, I highly recommend reading more about him. His faith was astounding.
Step 1 (Finding an Agency) – was covered long ago when we found CCAI as an agency. We have nothing but good things to say about this agency. They have worked with us through our many unusual issues. They have been encouraging and honest and helpful through all six of our adoptions.
Step 1 has been accomplished. I included the file being transferred in this step because the first miracle that had to happen was for the other agency to transfer her file to CCAI. You may not call the transferring of a file a miracle, but I do. Some agencies absolutely will not transfer a file for any reason. We were pleased that they not only transferred it but did it in a very timely manner.
Step 2 (LOI) -Locking in the file of the child you wish to adopt. The agency takes your Letter of Intent (LOI) and other papers and presents them to the China Center for Children’s Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA) and within two weeks the CCCWA will either say yes or no. If they say yes, you receive your pre-approval.
Step 2 was completed today! Praising the Lord for everyone moving very quickly on this matter! You are not supposed to show pictures of the child or talk about them specifically until you receive PA. It is a little different with us because so many people are advocating for her. Her name and pictures are out there. I don’t want to cause any trouble though so I am going to go back through my past blog posts and remove the links and her name specifically. The last thing I want to do is cause a problem with her adoption.
Step 3 (PA) – Pre-approval allows you the privilege of letting the child know you are adopting them. The agency then allows you to send the child pictures of your family, letters, and small gifts. Not all agencies allow it at the point of PA some make you wait until you have Letter of Acceptance (LOA).
Step 4 (1-800A) – This is the initial United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) approval to bring a child into the country. This is the preliminary immigration paperwork. You have to have a final paper 1-800 that will allow a specific child into the country but you have to start with the approval to bring a child to the U.S.
Step 5 (DTC) – Dossier paperwork. There are many different forms in the dossier. You have to notarize these forms and then have them authenticated with the Secretary of State and the Chinese Consulate (all of this depends on which state you live in). You have financial statements, physician’s forms, certified copies of birth certificates, certified copies of marriage certificates, 1-800, a home study, etc. You prepare your dossier, your agency translates and it is sent to China. (Dossier to China – DTC.)
I have actually started these forms and our home study is almost complete. Just waiting on Child Abuse Reports x 9 (anyone over 14 needs one), fingerprinting x 7 (anyone over 18 needs one), Criminal Background Check x 9 (anyone over 14 in the house or who helps watch the children needs one – welcome to the fun Stephanie. Physical Exams x 7 (anyone over 18 needs one).
There’s no time to waste when you only have 150 days left before she ages out. (Breathe Lisa breath!)
Step 6 (LID) – Dossier logged in with the CCCWA. This is also known as LID (Log In Date).
Step 7 (Article 5) – Then your Article 5 is issued which tells the CCCWA that you have permission to bring the child into the United States.
Step 8 (TA) – Travel Approval (TA) the formal invitation from China letting you know that you have permission to travel. You will usually travel within a couple weeks of receiving your Article 5.
Step 9 (Travel) – You will travel to China and within a day or two you will meet your child at the designated area. If you are traveling with a big group, you sometimes meet in Registration Offices or other formal settings. If it is only your family, they sometimes bring the child directly to your hotel room. There are many variables. You then have 24 hours before signing the official adoption papers. You stay in your child’s province until you receive the passport and then travel to Guangzhou.
Step 10 (CA) – Consulate appointment (CA) is where you take the oath to care for your child and get your Visa to enter the U.S. This is at the U.S. embassy in Guangzhou. The final step needed before heading home.
There’s many other little steps when you first apply to your agency. And throughout the adoption process including getting your passport, getting your visa, etc. but these are the big ones.
This journey will be completed one step at a time. We are getting there. As Jasmine keeps reminding me every time she hears me sigh, “God’s got this mama!” The faith of a child is a beautiful thing.
This whole adoption process has been a wonderful thing for Jasmine. It has reinforced what we had to go through to adopt her – all of the paperwork and the fees involved She told me that she couldn’t believe someone would do all of that for her. It’s been good for her to see how hard we fought for her and how much we loved her from the very start.
We can feel all the prayers that are covering us in this process. Just today when we had Codey fingerprinted the police officer went out of his way to type up a letter stating these were the best prints he could officially get. He did two fingerprint cards to try to not have a delay. We heard from another set of parents that there is another agency you can go through and get your prints back in three days. Considering the last time we printed Codey it took over 12 weeks, this is an amazing thing to learn. Even the smallest details are falling into place. We feel watched over and protected. It’s also hard to not feel positive about this all working when so many things just keep falling into place.
150 days folks. Please continue to cover her with prayer. Pray for peace for her heart as she waits. She doesn’t know she has a family and her heart must hurt thinking she is running out of time. Please pray for all of the other children who wait with her. Every child deserves the love of family.
Until the next step…
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A Leap of Faith
If you’ve been following along, you know that it started with me being convicted.
The story has continued with me being shown sign after sign. With us praying and contemplating what Jasmine had asked us to do. It then lead to Dan and I truly asking what it was that was keeping us from adopting again.
I made my list of what was keeping me personally from adopting and each thing was quickly taken care of by God. Each thing big or little was just – G.O.N.E.!!!!! Needless to say, God got my attention.
We’ve prayed and prayed and prayed some more.
Made a list and another list and another list – pros and cons – over and over again.
Prayed some more and then a little bit more for good measure.
We realized that for this to happen God was going to have to be in the details. This would be His story because there is no other way for it to happen. I wasn’t going to write about it and then I thought “You of so little faith. What are you afraid of?”.
I trust God’s plan. I believe fully that this will work. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. Matthew 21:22 Now many people believe this is like having a genie, I don’t believe this will work because I magically asked for it. I believe this will work because I asked and I believe that this is God’s will so I shall receive it.
The first step, getting her file transferred. My husband’s only wish was wanting to stay with our same agency because we have built such a wonderful relationship with them. The other agency is good. It had nothing to do with that. It was all about familiarity. I have tried to get files transferred before and it didn’t happen. Those agencies wouldn’t release them. I even had one agency that told me “Good luck in finding her after her file is released.” We are hoping and praying that they will okay this switch.
As I fretted about whether they would release her file, on Facebook I saw another mom ask which agencies will okay transferring a file of a child. And low and behold, her agency is on the list. They talk about this agency truly wanting what is best for the child.
More waiting and thinking and praying.
Asked myself these questions “Are we setting ourselves up for heartbreak? Can we really get this done in five months? What about our children’s hearts? What about her heart if she finds out she has a family and we can’t get there in time?”
And through the magic of Facebook I read a post from another parent asking others “how fast you can go from no paperwork to travel”. The answer? 3.5 months, 4 months, just under 5 months. Over and over again people told how they did it in under 5 months. We have almost exactly five months. Hallelujah there is hope!
I questioned fingerprinting. Why do we have to do our fingerprints again? Last time it took two months to get Codey’s fingerprints to clear. We don’t have that kind of time.
And by the grace of God, another family tells our social worker how they got their fingerprints expedited and done in days.
I wondered about her. More questions filled my mind. “Would she be a good fit for our family? Did she truly want a family? Does she want to move to the U.S.? Does she like little children? Would she be okay with a big family?”
And more Facebook magic. Someone read my blog and got me added to a group where they were advocating for her. (Thanks Megan!) Where I read about another mom who really wanted to adopt her but couldn’t. I messaged that mom and she put me in touch with people who truly knew this sweet girl and her heart. Which in turn let me talk on the phone with a mama who loves sweet her too and has spent two years with her in China. Which in turn lead to us seeing videos and pictures of her. I truly know more about her than any of the children we have set out to adopt.
God is so good. Ask and He will answer.
I was questioning if this was truly what He wanted us to do. Did He really want us to step up for another round of trust and faith?
It seems that way. Every question has been answered.
This has been mind blowingly amazing.
Sign me up! That is what our family has said. Sign us up for another round of faith and trust. God is good. I trust His plan. His ways are amazing. We are going to try our best and leave the rest in His hands.
This is going to be quite the ride. The paperwork has been started. Please join us on our journey. Please keep us and sweet Kelly in your prayers. It’s gonna take a miracle. To God be the glory. I can see His hand all over this story.
Oh and by the way yesterday, HER.FILE.HAS.BEEN.TRANSFERRED!!!! Step one done. Praising!!!!
We have filed our Letter of Intent (LOI) for this sweet little girl. We would appreciate your prayers as we head out on this journey. I recently posted on Facebook about why we decided to proceed with another aging out older child adoption. Here is why….
First, Jasmine thanks us and tells us how happy she is and she wants to do that for another child. She wants to make another little girl just as happy as she is. (Actually she wants to make six more girls happy but we will start with this one.)
Second, Jasmine shared that in China they had told her that if a family doesn’t come for her before she turns 14 then she will go to a horrible place with very mean people. Those mean people will just leave her in a corner without a (wheel)chair and she would get hit and be hurt and no one would feed her. (Oh to have been able to protect my girl from this pain.)
Third, she shared that she cried the day she got the letter from her daddy. Dan started the letter by saying “To my beautiful daughter”. (Jasmine told me it said pretty daughter, but it actually said beautiful.) Jasmine told me she had always been told how ugly she was and that she read her daddy’s words over and over again and believed them. (I remember Dan worrying over whether the words in that letter were the right words. He so wanted her to know how much he loved her. I love his heart.)
Jasmine informed us that people treated her poorly in China but she thought that was just the way it was supposed to be. She felt like she deserved to be belittled, left alone, and yelled at. She believed that she deserved to sit in her chair and not be allowed to eat with the rest of children, to not be allowed to go to school because she was in a wheelchair and the school was on another floor. She believed that she was not worth any of the things the other children got to do, BUT then she came here. She now sees that she is beautiful inside and out. She sees that family loves her even though her body doesn’t work that way she wishes it would. This is why she is so happy. She has a family that loves her unconditionally.
The pain and the fear and the lack of encouragement and comfort are hard on these children. There are so many children growing up without family. Please consider fostering and adopting or supporting someone who is. The world is full of these hurting souls. I can’t even put into words what Jasmine has brought to our life and this is why we have decided to proceed again for a little girl who may not YET see her worth. We are signing up to comfort her and care for her and love her unconditionally. To tuck her in and hold her hands and help her be the best her that she can be. To pick her up if she falls, to build a strong foundation under her feet, to erase her fears, and to give her what she wants most……A FAMILY!
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Please let me clarify…
Clarifying…it’s one of the things I do well. 🙂 I use the word clarify almost as much as I use the word seriously. That is part of the back story to why my blog is called Seriously Blessed. If you know me very well, you might have even heard a couple Holy Toledo’s too. Don’t ask.
I sometimes think I am explaining things very clearly and then I start to get texts and Facebooks messages. When more than a couple people asked questions, I realized I may not have been as clear as I thought I was. So I will clarify a bit further here and then we will see if there are still questions.
I do believe God is showing us clear signs that we are to adopt an almost aging out child. I do believe there may be more than one more Ellsbury child out there. There have been many more little signs that I didn’t include like yesterdays fortune cookie which was pretty funny.
I do believe God showed me their pictures to show me how many lovely girls there are out there that are running out of time. The odds of us being able to get our paperwork done in time to adopt them is pretty unlikely.
I forget that not everyone who reads my blog has adopted or knows someone who has adopted. You have to start from the very beginning each time you adopt. This is a big sore spot for me. The homestudy has to be done again and it takes a good month. You have to do fingerprinting all over again for the homestudy and then again for the immigration office. It took us 2 months to get Codey’s fingerprints cleared last time. It takes most families a good year to get everything in order from start to finish. I don’t really understand it. It’s not like we haven’t had follow-up home studies all year or that my fingerprints have changed sinced last year. It’s one of the things about adoption and all the bureaucratic red tape that I will never understand. I understand wanting to protect the child but we have been under the microscope for two years now. We aren’t new to the system.
One of the girls has five months. We can try to expedite, but as I said before, it would take a miracle. Not that I don’t believe that God could do it. Obviously, He is in the miracle business. I just believe it may not happen because that may not be His ultimate plan. I want her to have a family. She deserves a family. I want her picture to get out there so others who may be paper ready see her. She was recently added to Reece’s Rainbow so that should help.
The reason we are really praying about this and have talked about it being overly complicated is that we have three children having heart surgeries in the next couple of months. Jasmine needs surgery before the summer is out. Life is definitely complicated.
I have been in this situation before having my heart really touched by a child and having to turn it over to God and just pray. Each and every time a family has found them. My heart has been burdened. I have cried many tears and prayed many prayers. I’ve shared their pictured and hoped a family would choose them. A family did and now I watch them blossom and grow with that new family. I don’t always understand why He burdens our hearts so, but God works in mysterious ways sometimes.
Yes, these girls have touched my heart but I am unsure as to what will ultimately happen. It doesn’t mean we won’t start the paperwork. It doesn’t mean I am saying no. It just means I have no idea what God has planned but I am open to His lead.
Many people have questioned why we are not waiting. I just assumed everyone understood that it takes time. We won’t be adopting in the next month or two. If everything went unbelievably perfect, we would have a good five months before anything happened. We are taking everything into consideration. We are prayerfully considering everything. I shared my story hoping to encourage others about looking for the signs that God sends us. I believe He is saying there is more in store for our family.
That being said if you feel God nudging you in the direction of adoption, don’t let fear stop you. Let Him lead. If God brings you to it, He will get you through it. You have to believe that nothing is impossible. Yes, adoption costs a lot, but I have seen Him provide in amazing ways. Yes, there are unknowns, but the blessings are unbelievable. If God is leading you to a little boy, have I got the sweetest little guy for you to meet. If I believed God was leading us to a toddler, I would have the paperwork started already. This little boy has stolen my heart so much so I didn’t even want to share his picture. Although, he has been seen by thousands of people on the Love Without Boundaries site so I suppose I’m out of luck keeping him a secret. 🙂
Be prepared to have your heart stolen. This little guy is a cutie. Herakles
There are so many children needing families. Pray, contemplate, let God lead, watch for those signs. It’s a pretty amazing journey. I’ll be letting you know what the next signs on this amazing trip are for us. Keep praying!
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What if…
I started this draft long ago and just never finished it. It’s been sitting there in the draft file for a long time, but after a recent talk with Cassie it got me to thinking about this subject again. Cassie has been asked over and over again in college “What is your go to drink to get drunk?” She is amazed at how often college students talk about drinking, getting drunk, and partying. When they talk about issues that they think are big issues, Cassie brings up orphans and some of the stories she has heard. Their response every single time is….”That can’t be true!”
She loves her big family and all her siblings. Cassie feels blessed to be able to care for them and to live at home. When others ask her why she still lives at home, her response is, “You have no idea how wonderful it is to have five little people run to the back door to greet you when you get home. They shout your name, they surround you with hugs, they love you with all their hearts, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Cassie even had a teacher congratulate her for creating and maintaining a “personal identity” despite her family. This, of course, was said with great sarcasm along with “it’s good that you seem to have your own identity outside of being on call for your family. You deserve to live and grow and develop yourself, and not in your family.”
I love what my children have learned from living with Codey and his special needs. I love what my children have learned from our adoptions. I love their hearts and their love and trust of God and His perfect plan.
All of this got me to thinking what kind of world would we live in if we only….
TAUGHT OUR CHILDREN….
to be world changers.
to embrace the uncomfortable.
to live simply and with purpose.
to help when they saw a person who was failing or falling.
to put others first.
to pray for others including those who hurt us.
to not speak unless their words were uplifting and encouraging and filled with love.
WHAT IF OUR CHILDREN…
didn’t think the best thing about growing up was moving out, going to college and partying?
spent their time finding their passion and their purpose to do all they could for God?
dreamed about the day when they’d be old enough to adopt or foster?
worried about the poor people in their hometown?
couldn’t wait to volunteer to mow a widow’s lawn or cook a meal for the hungry or help out at a shelter?
truly knew what it was like to live in a third world country?
didn’t always dream of the next big toy, but instead dreamed of funding wells, buying mosquito nets, providing food rations, sponsoring surgeries?
their hearts were really broken for the hurting in this world?
strive to have a relationship with Christ, a real relationship?
WHAT IF OUR CHURCH FAMILY…
truly supported those who wanted to adopt? Stepped up to help families with the costs? (All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. – Acts 2:44-45 NIV)
felt honored to help those in need. (Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. – Duteronomy 15:10 NIV)
thought the most wonderful thing you could say was “I have helped others adopt 10, 20, or more children. I have practiced true religion. (Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27 NIV)
gathered together to help the widows? (Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. – 1 Timothy 5:3 NIV.)
truly believed their blessings were gifts from God and couldn’t wait to share them with others? (And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. – Hebrews 13:16 NIV)
first thought was not to pass judgment but to love as Christ loved us? (“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – John 13:34 NIV)
not only read God’s commands in the Bible but truly followed them? (Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. – James 1:22 NIV)
WHAT IF…
our main goal in life wasn’t a better car, a bigger house, a nicer vacation, or retiring when we are 50?
we knew how much we had and didn’t need more?
we truly couldn’t wait to share our blessings?
we finally decided this life wasn’t about us?
we found the true meaning to joy and happiness.
WHAT IF….
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Good things happen to those who wait…
Zachary has been patiently waiting for the right girl for a few years now. He has always had it in his mind that he would find a girl that shared his faith, who would be his best friend, care about his family (and not be afraid of his big family), and they would start a life together. Zach moved to Florida to get his Masters degree. He moved back to Iowa after interning at EA Sports because Gracie was sick and he wanted Maisey and Benjamin to know him. (Little did he know then that there would be even more littles to join our family.)
It’s hard when you are a 24 year old man who doesn’t drink, but you’d like to meet some people who share your interests. Zach had been praying for that for a while. He wanted to meet some friends, who liked video games like he did, who shared his same values, weren’t into partying or hanging out at bars, etc. One day I was talking to a new 10 weeker that had joined our 7 a.m. class at Farrell’s. He seemed like a nice guy. We talked on and off about our faith and a little about our families. One day I mentioned how hard it was for Zach to meet new people. Our church was very small and most of Zach’s friends had moved away or he lost touch with them. Fritz invited Zach over for a game night with his group of friends. They hit it off and a friendship was started. I love the way God works. How He places people in your life at just the right time. After Fritz and Zach were hanging out for a while, Fritz told me that he knew lots of single girls in Zach’s age group from church and they (Fritz and his wife) said that they would figure out who would be the best match for him. I laughed. Blind dates don’t usually work, but they said they had had some luck in this match making area and would get back to us. On New Years Eve they invited both Zach and this new girl over for their annual New Year’s Eve party. Zach knew about the match making. Stephanie did not.
But to the joy of everyone involved, Zach and Stephanie hit it off. They dated. Zach commented over and over again how comfortable he felt with her. He would say how easy it was to talk to her and how he just really liked her. Time went by. He brought her over to meet his siblings and she didn’t bolt out the door upon entering the chaos that can happen with 11 children in the house. Even when he explained all that was going on with the littles, she was supportive. The littles love her. They run to the door, yelling “Stephameme!”. They hug her and all ask to be held. They all fight over her lap and she just goes with the flow.
All of this leads to today. It was a very big day. Zachary proposed and Stephanie said “Yes!”.
Now this is all very sweet but I really wanted to share the back story of how the proposal came to be. Zachary really wanted this to be a sweet proposal. He had considered some big flashmob idea, but Steph doesn’t like surprises all that well and he was worried he would embarrass her around people she didn’t know. He decided to propose at Brenton Skating Plaza because that was where they had their first dates. He had been talking with the staff there and found out they had a package you could buy to do just that. He picked out his song, Philip Phillips “Home”. They had it set for him to propose right before the zamboni polished the ice during intermission. It was all set and he was so excited. He had been counting down the hours on his phone until 2 p.m. today.
He had worked it out so Stephanie’s parents, two of her sisters and her niece and brother-in-law could be there. Dan and I and all our kids were set to be there along with grandma, Linda. It is no small feat to get all of us somewhere. We couldn’t say we were going skating because that wouldn’t be believable. Ice skating with two children with thin blood would not be a good idea. The littles, Jasmine, Dan, Mema and I were going to hide off in the distance in our “invisible” bus and watch from afar. We were all set.
On Friday afternoon the manager called and said the rink would not be open this weekend because it was too warm. Too warm on November 17th in Iowa. How is that even possible? The manager asked if Zach could just do it next week. Zach said he would love to, but he couldn’t. His parents would be traveling to Boston for Ben’s open heart surgery and all sorts of finagling had to be done to get Steph’s sister off of work. Zach was disappointed and tried to figure out a Plan B.
Meanwhile, the rink manager called back and said he had a plan. What if he could get Zach 30 minutes on the ice at Wells Fargo Arena? Could he get Stephanie there? Zach was thrilled, but how to get Stephanie there without her figuring it out. It was no longer an outing to take Gracie and Steph’s niece to skate together. Now it was private skating time. Cassie came up with a great idea. What if we told Steph that Zach had a special plan to celebrate Gracie being well now after being diagnosed with lupus two years ago? It was right before Thanksgiving two years ago when she went in for her bone marrow biopsy because they thought she had leukemia. Gracie is still taking her chemo drugs along with many others and will be for a while, but she had been doing so well. What if that was the reason for the change? What if Zach said that the people at Brenton were so touched by Gracie’s story that they allowed us to do this? What if it was all about one last hurrah before Ben’s surgery?
Well, the plan was in place. We headed off in our bus to the skating plaza to get our skates. Both families got on the bus and we headed to Wells Fargo. We were taken in through the dock doors and the best news…..the littles, Codey and Jasmine didn’t have to watch from the bus. They got to go in. They got to be part of the whole thing. And the people at Brenton went above and beyond, they even brought Tinkerbell to celebrate Gracie’s health. Gracie and Jasmine were thrilled. Ben loves Tinkerbell because of Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Hope was even excited because we often call her “Tink”.
What a gloriously wonderful day! Have I mentioned before how seriously blessed I am? It’s not often that our whole family can be part of gatherings. It’s complicated with Lainey and Codey and Jasmine being in the wheelchairs. But today they opened the big doors to the ice arena, put up a ramp, and invited Codey and Jasmine to take their wheelchairs on the ice. It’s hard when your children feel left out. It’s hard when they are constantly on the sidelines watching others do the things they wished they could do, but not today. Today they were part of the group. Today they had fun!
Zach proposed. The families celebrated.
Even the littles had fun running up and down the aisles between the stadium seating.
I have to give a big shout out to Brenton Skating Plaza. They went above and beyond with all their plans. They could have easily said, “Well, we are sorry. Here is your money back. Wish we could have helped.” But instead they thought outside of the box. They listened to Zach and worked hard to make things work. They met us at Brenton. They took us to Wells Fargo Arena. They patiently stood by while we unloaded the bus and took forever to get our children into the arena. They made the day not only for Zachary and Stephanie but for all my middles and littles. All the way home Jasmine kept saying, “I had really, really, really, really, fun mama! I want to go again. Can I go?”
We were all feeling blessed to be a part of this wonderful day and can’t wait for Zachary and Stephanie to start their lives together. Nobody is happier than Steph’s niece and Gracie though. They have been planning from the very beginning to be cousins and now they have their wish. It wasn’t too long into their dating that Gracie said “She’s the one, Zach” and Steph’s niece announced to Zach at one of their first family lunches that “Hey, if you marry Steph then you get to be my uncle.” Zach had set up a lunch meeting with her dad to ask his permission for Steph’s hand in marriage. Zach was nervous about what to say. He kept saying, “I know this is right. I just want to say the right things so he knows my heart.” Gracie said, “Just tell him that Stephanie is wonderful. We all love her and we want her to be part of our family.” Out of the mouths of babes. God is good. We are blessed!
Congratulations Zachary and Stephanie! May your life together be seriously blessed!
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Sometimes…
Disclaimer: Before we even start, I want you to know I don’t want your pity. Truth be told, I don’t need it, I truly live a very blessed life and I know that. I am grateful everyday for what I have been allowed to be a part of. That being said, I have been told quite a few times this past month, that I only see the good, that I have a Pollyanna attitude. So I thought I’d share….
Sometimes….
I wake up and I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s overcast, gloomy, the house is still quiet, a great day to just pull the blankets back up over my head. But then it starts, Lainey is yelling, and she will not go back to sleep. The day has started too early. I’m tired of long, hard days. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of watching others around me exercise (I miss my 7 a.m. workout buddies), and take vacations and watching others just hang out and have fun with their friends. I’m tired of trying to find a moment to bathe. I’m tired of the noise, the chaos, the dirty house. I’m tired of scratches on my floor, dust on the shelves, and the fingerprints that are EVERYWHERE!!!!
My usual day starts at 5:30, 6:00 if I’m really lucky, and goes non-stop from there until I fall into bed at 11. It starts with oral feedings and tube feedings, dispensing medications and shots to be given, then there’s the diaper changes and clothes to change and breakfast to prepare. Codey needs a bath. At 9 its time to get Jasmine up and transfer her out of bed, to the bathroom, help her get dressed, brush her teeth, etc. At 9:30 school starts and there’s work to be explained and corrected, little ones to teach and sing with, speech therapy and English to learn. All of a sudden lunch needs to be prepared, cleaned up. More school work, nap time for the littles, chores to be done and dinner to prepare. In between all of that there is laundry and dishes and more tidying up than I care to think about. Tube feedings x 5 and oral feedings for two x 5. There’s more diapers than I care to count and dirty faces to wash.
I get all excited when it’s time for bed, but then I remember there are 5 littles that I need to bathe and change and brush their teeth. They’d like a story or two or three Then it’s Jasmine’s turn, teeth, bathroom, clothes changed, transfer to the bed. Give Evi her shot. Tuck them all in. Sing them their songs. And then finally….bed. Glorious, wonderful, warm, soft bed.
And then…..Lainey wakes up. She rages. She yells. She doesn’t sleep. Every hour on the hour she is up. Last night it was 12, 1, 2:15, 3, 4:20, 5:30, and up for good at 6. Others take shifts when they can. But I’ve had three days of it in a row and I’m not as young as I used to be. And Evie is scared at night, Ben is having nightmares because he has surgery coming up, and all the littles seem to know something is up so everyone is a little more stressed.
I have read those books that say God doesn’t expect you to be so busy. I’ve read the articles about alone time and me time. But I wonder what could I cut out of my days right now? And heaven forbid I even joke about being busy. Do you know what the first words out of people’s mouths are? “Well, you asked for this. Don’t be complaining about it.”
BUT……sometimes a girl just needs to vent.
The house is a mess. My to do list just keeps growing. There are school papers to check and winter clothes to get out, summer clothes to put away. The yard is a mess. The car is sticky. The garage won’t hold a car. I’ve swallowed my pride more times than I care to admit when people visit because it is rare to find this house clean. Five littles move a lot of toys around. Five littles can make a very big mess. They laugh, they play, and I like it. I like it more than I like the crazy person I would have to be to keep it clean. So…..my house is messy.
But knowing what I know now, being as tired as I am, you might ask, “Would I still sign up for all of this again?” And the answer is “YES!” Yes, in a heart beat. Because when I take my eyes of “me”, I see the beauty in the miracle of all of it. Truly I do. I have listened to others who are angry and bitter because they didn’t know the extent of their child’s illness, but I am thankful. I am thankful because I know I would have said “No” if I had seen what Jasmine’s medical condition really was. I would have believed that I was too busy and left it for someone else to come forward. I would have said I would pray and then tried to let it go. I would have not signed on for Lainey’s autism either. I know I wouldn’t have. It scares me. I have watched friends go through terrible times. I’ve heard their tears as they sobbed about having to place their child to protect their other children. I know what may be in store for my sweet little Lainey, but I also know what her life would have been like in China. And she has made progress…real progress. Just yesterday she said “Dada”.
It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that I would have said “No!”. “No” because I am not strong enough. “No” because I am weak. “No” because my plate was full. And in saying “No” I would have missed the biggest blessing. Jasmine is joy and light and everything right with the world. Think about what you complain about every day and then compare it to her life. And yet she is happy. Truly happy. When I think about what she will go through, I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. But instead I will thank God for bringing me to her so she will never be alone again.
I am overwhelmed by worldly standards that say I should be fit and have a six pack, and my house should be clean, and I should wear the newest clothes, and be fashionable, and drive an awesome car, and live in a immaculate home, and travel the world, and retire when I’m 50. I should be sitting on the beach, drinking an umbrella drink or bettering myself in college or, or, or….. The list goes on and on.
I am overwhelmed when I listen to that voice that says “I’m not enough.” “I’m not as good as….” When I look in the mirror and I see an older me, a heavier me, a “man it would be nice to style my hair” me. Lainey was the tipping point for me. If Lainey was sleeping, I would have handled this all with relative ease. I’m pretty good at organizing. I’m pretty good at mothering and staying on top of things. Lainey and her lack of sleep has made me know that I am not enough. I have to ask for help and if you know me you know that I absolutely detest that. Truly I do, but it’s not about me. The Lord has placed all of this on my plate because for too long I have been in control except for times of crisis, for too long it’s been about me and what I could do.
But now….without Him….I wouldn’t make it through my days. Through Him I can be strong. Because of Him I know what is important. Because of Him I have been “gloriously ruined”!
I look at them and I wouldn’t change it. Not at all. Who would I not take? Where would they be? Life is busy. Life is hectic, but I have family that is so helpful. I have family that love each other and loves to be together. What a blessing that is. So when I am overwhelmed and tired, I remind myself that the only thing I can control is my attitude. I pick myself up and I look for the good in everything. I sit and laugh and play. I remember that I am not guaranteed tomorrow so I will appreciate today. I have fun each and every day. I laugh because I am surrounded by silly.
And then there is a quote from Katie Davis that I read whenever I feel overwhelmed.
“We bend. I bend to sweep crumbs and I bend to wipe vomit and I bend to pick up little ones and wipe away tears… And at the end of these days I bend next to the bed and I ask only that I could bend more, bend lower. Because I serve a Savior who came to be a servant. He lived bent low. And bent down here is where I see His face. He lived, only to die. Could I? Die to self and just break open for love. This Savior, His one purpose to spend Himself on behalf of messy us. Will I spend myself on behalf of those in front of me? And people say, “Don’t you get tired?” and yes, I do. But I’m face to face with Jesus in the dirt, and the more I bend the harder and better and fuller this life gets. And sure, we are tired, but oh we are happy. Because bent down low is where we find fullness of Joy.”
This is the truth. Not what the rest of the world would have you believe. It isn’t about me. It isn’t about the kids. It is about serving the Lord. It is about living my life as unto Him. He called. I followed out onto the ledge. Dan and I have talked each other out onto that ledge many times because we believed what God was calling us to do. The journey is not perfect. The journey has been hard. This journey though is blessed and beautiful and amazingly wonderful. I am tired but I am blessed. I rarely lose sight of that fact and when I do His word brings me back. So no I don’t have a Pollyanna attitude. I don’t even have my head in the clouds. I know how hard my life is and still I feel blessed because among the hard is so much beautiful my heart can barely hold all the love that I have been given.
So as I said before, please don’t ever pity me. I am living the life that I chose and love with all my heart. I have a husband who I adore who shares my dreams. I hear “I love you” more times each day than I can count. I have been blessed by beautiful children with the sweetest of souls.
So no pity, but you can, however, wipe up any fingerprints that you feel lead to clean, but please don’t ever date the dust because who knows when I will get to that.
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Questions and answers
While we were in the hospital, I was asked quite a few different questions about our family. It got me to thinking about all the questions people ask me when we are out and about and the statements that are said while we discuss our family and adoption . This got me to thinking that maybe some of my readers might have the same questions so I thought I’d try my best to answer them.
You aren’t actually considering adopting more are you?
Well, we haven’t ruled it out completely, I am assuming we are done. Our house is pretty busy with all the special needs and surgeries going on, but I believe fully that God has led us to all of our children. He has blessed our family over and over again by following His lead and it would be insane for me to say “No” to him now. Besides whenever I say things that are absolute it usually turns out the other way. I will leave it in His hands and keep my focus on the children we are caring for right now and pray that if there is another child(ren) in this world that are meant to be with us that He makes it abundantly clear as quickly as possible so they are not alone for any longer than is necessary.
Let’s see how you feel about having so many children the same age when they are teenagers.
Truth be told, bring it on. I pray that I get the chance to parent five teenagers at the same time. Eli, Ben, and Evie all have very complex heart defects and their life span will be shortened. No one can tell us for sure how long they have. They may have many years or at any time they may have a weird rhythm issue or plug a shunt and then their lives will end. Every time we go in for a cath or a surgery, we live with the fact that they may not come back out from surgery. We have to ask ourselves questions like “Is it worth it to take the slim chance of survival from surgery or do we just enjoy the time he/she has left?” These are not easy questions to answer. I pray to God that I am allowed the wonderful opportunity to parent five teenagers that have three and 1/2 years separating them.
Are you insane? Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
No, I am not crazy, insane or any of the other phrases that you might ask. I am, however, obedient to God’s calling. The first time it was hard to turn it all over to Him, but when you see the blessings that have been bestowed on you for following….well, each time gets just a little bit easier until you know it would be insane not to follow His lead.
What about your other kids at home? Do they feel neglected? Do they resent sharing their time?
No, if anyone should have had a problem with us adopting more children, it would be Gracie. She was the baby at the time. But Gracie loves her siblings and brings me new pictures of children available for adoption almost every single day. She has mentioned wishing she could hypnotize Dan and I so we would forget how many children we have and adopt again. Jasmine informed me the other day that “I could love more”. When asking her what she meant by this, she informed me that I could love more sisters. When I asked her how many more, she informed me that I could love two more mei mei (little sisters) and two more jie jie (older sisters). She told me that she would share her room and they could fit bunk beds in there.
You must have lots of help.
I don’t have paid help, but I do have help with my older children who live at home in an apartment, in our garage, on our acreage. When we moved here 11 years ago, we wondered what we would do with a 9 car garage. We chose to turn the back 6 into an apartment for the kids as they go to college. Cassie is a junior at Iowa State University and she has arranged her schedule to be here every morning while we get everyone up and ready. Zach, a software engineer who works from home, helps out whenever I need a sitter. Dan works from home during the week and Dan’s mom comes down whenever I ask.
Who takes care of the house and the other children while Dan and you are in the hospital with your sick child?
We have gone back and forth on the right way to do this each and every time we are in the hospital. If you know Codey’s story, you know we have spent years in the hospital. We were lucky when Codey was in the hospital because we lived in Iowa City at the time. It makes it harder when you have to travel. Each time our family gets bigger, it gets more complicated. In the end, we have decided both Dan and I need to be in the hospital. Dan because of his medical expertise and me, well, because I’m mommy of course. It would be nice if we could go to a hospital in our home town, but that isn’t an option. Zach, Cassie and Mema (Dan’s mom), take care of things on the homefront. This usually works great for short stays. It is like a mini vacation full of fun when they get to spend their days with their older siblings. Every family has to figure out what works best for them and so far, this works for us.
How many children do you have at home? How many children do you have all together?
We have twelve children. Eleven still living. Kyle passed away at five days of age, twenty-six years ago. All eleven children live at home. Zach and Cassie are roommates in the apartment and the other nine live in our home. Our oldest son, Codey, is severely mentally and physically challenged and continues to reside in our home.
How do you cart everyone around?
We have a bus. Yes, a bus! The children love it. I love it too except for the six miles per gallon that it gets. It has a wheelchair lift and room for sixteen passengers, two wheelchairs, and the driver. This is another reason why the girls think we should be able to adopt more. Apparently, if there is room in the bus, there is room to adopt.
Is your house huge?
It is a nice size ranch house. It has three bedrooms upstairs and three downstairs. We remodeled to a more open concept a couple years after moving in and it has worked out wonderfully for Jasmine’s wheelchair. We have a big sunroom that we have converted into a playroom for the kids. It is big and sunny and they have lots of room to play.
How do you pay for all of this? Isn’t adoption expensive?
Yes, it does add up but it doesn’t cost much more than a car these days. You can find a way to pay for things if you truly want. It takes a good year to complete the adoption and your agency will set out exactly at each step when the fees need to be paid.
We wiped out our savings. We adopted more than one at a time so the travel costs would be less. Only paying for one trip at a time and getting two children or four children helped. When you say $20,000 or more for an adoption, it instantly turns people off. But you have to remember that part of that is agency fees, part of that is orphanage fees, part of it is government/paper fees, and then there is the travel costs and it is all spread out over the time that you are adopting. I know many people hear that amount and think they can’t do it. I say money should never be a factor in your choosing not to adopt. There are many, many ways to do it. There are grants. You can adopt through the foster care system. People will step forward. I believe you would be amazed by the amount of people who want to help. Plus, I believe fully that if you belong to a church and feel called to adopt, your church family should be helping. James 1:27 clearly states the churches role in adoption.
I know people think that we have it easy because my husband makes a good living, but if you think we just had enough money and it didn’t cause us any hardship you’d be wrong. Plus, the Lord has always provided. When they agreed to expedite Elijah’s adoption, we were out of money. We were contemplating borrowing against our 401K when we got the most unexpected gift. We had known years before that there was a disagreement between the University and the government about taxes that were withheld. This happened when Dan was a resident back from 1995-1999. We figured nothing would ever come of it, but a few days after receiving notice about Eli and trying to figure it all out, I sat in my car and opened an envelope from the University paying for those back taxes AND interest. It was because of that interest that we were able to pay for Elijah’s fees and take Cassie along to help. God is good. Don’t lose sight of that fact. He can surprise you in the most amazing of ways.
Well, I would love to adopt, but….
“We don’t have enough money.” I know as well as you know that you could save. Most everyone has areas that we could cut back on. I know that doesn’t mean everyone, but most of us can and could cut back. We find the money for cars and a vacations and nicer houses filled with stuff we will never use or don’t really need. DON’T let money hold you back.
Besides that, did you decide to have biological children? When the news states facts like it costs $200,000+ to raise a child nowadays did you say, “We just can’t afford that” or did you assume you would find a way as the years went by and that God would provide for all your needs?
“We don’t have enough room.” Seriously? This has to be the most ridiculous statement. We are talking about children who live in an orphanage. Some of these orphanages are big, sterile, buildings and some have no windows or doors. These children share rooms with many, many cribs or beds. They have no toys of their own. In most cases, they don’t even own a toothbrush. Believe me when I say, “You have enough room and can provide for all of their needs.”
“I don’t want my other kids to do without.” (Usually this means extracurricular activities.) What makes you so sure that your other children will have to do without?
So if you have ever said any of the above sentences or anything similar to it, I want to take this moment to say, “STOP!”. Please don’t say this to a parent who has adopted, especially if they have been to a third world country and seen the need. These excuses make no sense. I’m going to say this knowing full well that I may tick some of you off, but I am assuming if you were saying something that offended or didn’t make sense, you’d want to know it.
When you say these things you are in fact saying __________ is more important than a child with no family, living his/her days in an orphanage, with no future or hope. You can’t honestly think that your child playing a sport is more important. You can’t honestly believe that your child having a room to themselves is more important. If you have been thinking about adopting and have said any excuse to yourself, then really let this sink in. Let it seep into the deepest recesses of your heart and mind. What is truly important? Do these excuses still hold up? And if this doesn’t work, pretend Christ is standing right there in front of you (because someday He will be), try out that excuse now. “Lord, I would have loved to save one of the least of these, but Junior would have had to share a room and it just didn’t seem fair.” How does that excuse feel now? How about all the things your children will learn. How about all the ways your heart and your home will be opened to love and caring and Christ-like behavior? What about all the blessings that you can not even fathom?
What has been the hardest part?
The waiting is hard. Once you see their picture, you want to go get them. Every day you wait, knowing where they are, is painful.
Unknown diagnosis are hard. Believe me I am not looking forward to explaining to Jasmine what she really has.
Lainey not sleeping has been very hard. She is up every two to three hours and our family has had to take turns caring for her at night.
But truth be told the hardest part, for me, is that I can’t do more. We are sponsoring children. We are helping others who are adopting but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
Every day in China girls age out of the system at the tender age of 14, and are released with no resources. Many times they don’t have an education or anyone to turn to. The sex traffickers know this and many girls are lost. Every day children die in orphanages – alone! Every day children are hungry and hurting and wanting a mother and a father to love them. Only a small percentage of the orphans in the world will ever be adopted. A heartbreaking fact when you consider just how many Christians there are. If we, as Christians, stood up and either adopted or helped others, there would be no orphans. What a beautiful statement of the love of Christ.
Why aren’t we doing more? Why do we choose to close our eyes to what is going on around the world? Why do we continue to make excuses?
“The problem seemed so vast, so endemic, that stopping to help a single panhandler (person) could seem pointless.” – Laura Schroff.
If we all stopped and helped just one, we could help them all.
“And so we swept past them everyday, great waves of us going on with our lives and accepting there was nothing we could really do.” – Laura Schroff
What are you doing with your life? Are you caught up in the busyness of your life? So much so that you can’t stop to help one?
“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” – John Lubbock
Are you looking? Do you see the hurting people? Do you see the children in need? Stop and look for that one that you can help!
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