Archive for the ‘Family Life’ Category

• Loving life

  Date: 2012.05.11 | Category: Family Life

  I was thinking about how serious my blogs are most of the time.  I was wishing I was wittier and more light-hearted.  In reality,  I love to laugh.  I love to spend time making up musicals with my kids, they sing about everything even toast.  I love the life that I am blessed to be able to live.  So today I will post about what I’m grateful for and add a couple silly pictures just for fun.

  I love my husband with my whole heart.  I truly am blessed to be able to go through everything with him.  He makes the bad times easier to handle.  His is the witty one.  He is the one who makes me laugh all the time.  His one liners crack me up.  We often joke about his comedy routine that he will do when he retires.  It’s funny to me because most people think he is so serious.  The Dan I know and love is humor and love and affection.  I’m a blessed girl.

  You all know how I feel about those kids of mine.  I love home-schooling them because I get to spend so much time with them.  I love that I can look at their face and instantly know how they are feeling.  I love that we talk about everything and I do mean everything.  I know they don’t tell me every thought they have.  I know that sometimes it takes them time to come to me, but I also know they will come to me in their own time.  I know that they know no matter what I will love them.  I know that they are secure in their importance in my life.  I know that they know when they walk in a room it brightens my day.  I love that my opinion matters to them.  I love to hear them quote the quotes I love.  Gracie’s Code 1090 was proof of that.

  I’m blessed with a wonderful extended family.  My mom and my mother-in-law are two of my best friends.  I have grandparents that are still around.  In fact, they celebrated their 71st wedding anniversary yesterday, that deserves a shout out for sure!  Brothers and sister-in-laws and nieces and nephews.  Family is wonderful!  I love Facebook because you get to see into the lives of people you aren’t lucky enough to visit with very often.  Life is good!

  Happy Friday everyone!    Remember….  Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.   (Grace’s Code 1090)

  

  Hope the Gangster

  

  Yes, he is a ninja in a cozy coupe with a cell phone.

  

  Just 1 of the 1,000 goofy faces she makes.

  

  Wonder baby!

  

  Mommy trying on a "Hats for Gracie" hat.

  

  New towels from Elizabeth!

  

  Benji in the middle!

• Hit by a bike and other fun things that happened in China.

  Date: 2012.05.02 | Category: Adoption, Family Life

  We headed out from Des Moines on March 7th, 2012.  Dan and I were excited to finally be heading to China.  We had waited a year to get to hold our little ones and it seemed so much harder to wait the closer we got.  We would be arriving in Beijing on the 8th.  I couldn’t believe we were actually going to do it.  We were traveling internationally for the first time.  I was so happy to be on this journey with my best friend.  I love that our hearts were in exactly the same place with all of this. Our lives were about to change in a really big way.

  

  When we got to China we had a couple of days to acclimate and do some sightseeing.  Acclimating really wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.  Being out in the daylight and having plans made it a little easier or maybe it was I was just too excited to sleep.

  Beijing was just SO big. They have 20 million people and 10 million more people come in to town to work. I think Iowa has 3 million people all together and our 5 big skyscrapers in our downtown are really quite tame compared to the miles and miles of skyscrapers in Beijing and every other town we visited.  I’m a small town girl that’s for sure.  It was just overwhelming – the noise, the pollution, the traffic, the massive amounts of people.

  

  One of my favorite things that we did on our tour was a ride in the rickshaw. There was a street lined with rickshaws and people waiting to peddle you around.  Hundreds of rickshaws.  We went down streets that were barely wide enough to have a car go down them. We got to see how people used to live in the villages. The government is building many more modern buildings and the young are moving to those buildings, but there are still blocks of small one story buildings where people live with no indoor plumbing. They use public bathrooms and cook in a community kitchen.  The elderly like it because it is all they have ever known and it’s like one big family.

  

  We got to visit one of those homes where a 77 year old woman lived. We sat in her room, which was 20×20 maybe, and she told us her life story – as translated by our guide. She had raised 3 children in this home with no indoor plumbing. She had chosen to marry for love and married beneath her status. She turned down 7 suitors and gave up a much more well-off life for a life of happiness and love. While looking around her room, I noticed many crosses and other Christian items. It turns out she was Catholic. In a country where 30 years ago it was illegal to own a Bible, I was in a room with a woman of faith.  It was amazing.  We later learned that China is behind only the United States for the number of Christians the country has.  They estimate as high as 100 million people in China are Christian.  That is amazing!

  

  Our next great adventure was the Great Wall and the Forbidden City.  The Great Wall was amazing and so hard to climb.  It is one thing to climb a gazillion stairs.  It is another thing completely to climb uneven stairs at different heights while others are running around you.  There were tons of people going up to the first tower, then less and less people the higher you climbed. I climbed to tower number 4.  I was fine until I turned around to go back down.  My fear of heights kicked in.  I looked at the stairs a lot.  It was probably a good thing because it was so uneven.  I was so fearful of tripping and taking out about 50 people on the way back down.  Not good!  Dan bought a lock so we could put our lock on the railing of the Great Wall and throw away the key.  It is supposed to symbolize a marriage that can’t be broken.  I do love that man!

  

  The Forbidden City was unbelievably BIG!  Our guide told us how one family lived here.  I can’t imagine being a peasant during that time and seeing the opulence or having your daughter chosen as a concubine and spending her life there for only the emperor.  Have I mentioned that I thoroughly enjoy being born in this country and at this time in history?  Though seeing the Forbidden City was an amazing site and one that was truly hard to comprehend.  It is just mind-blowing to think of the manpower needed to lay those bricks and build the walls – 600 years ago. Putting your hands on history is amazing.

  

  We visited a silk factory. We watched them stretch out a cocoon (the size of a salt pellet) over a metal frame.  Then they take it and stretch it out across a bed to be put into a bedspread.  I actually got to help pull the corner out on one.  We also visited a Jade factory where Dan and I bought a “Jade Family Ball”.  I loved what it stood for (it means family that can not be torn apart) and we decided to buy one of the smaller ones to remember our wonderful trip.    There is a you-tube video if you are interested in seeing them make one.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnpEfGVdJs0  We went to an acrobatic show.  We also saw the “bird’s nest” at the Olympic Park.

  

  Have I mentioned that many, many people bike?  There are regular bikes and motorized bikes and bikes that carry everything on big carts behind them and bikes with big baskets.  I stepped out from around a bus only to be hit by one of those basket carrying bikes.  Dan jokes that I almost ended up in that basket.  The Chinese gentlemen was not amused by the clumsy American woman who appeared out of no where.

  Everywhere you go there are signs for public toilets.  It’s an interesting site.  Almost as interesting as the “split” pants the babies wear.  Everywhere you go you see little ones in big bulky snow suits with the crotch open and little bare butts.  The children walk over and just pee in the gutter or on a tree or on someone’s tire.  The snowsuits are crazy.  When we got Maisey I couldn’t tell how big she was because she had on two pairs of snowpants, a snowsuit and 2 coats.  It was 50 degrees outside.  We went to get some papers signed one day and I put her in a coat, long pants and her boots.  It was 70 degrees outside and I got lectured by the elderly ladies about not bundling her up enough.  They believe it’s good for babies to sweat and apparently it is good to have a cold, little tushy too.

  

  Shopping was crazy.  When we got to Zhengzhou, we were informed that there was a Wal-Mart. Everyone was so excited.  Ha! It wasn’t like any other Wal-Mart I have ever seen.  We went up an escalator and were greeted by hanging gutted pigs, chickens hanging by their necks, and eels.  It was crazy.  It was much like a fresh food market.  While we were shopping we ended up in the formula aisle, where every other parent in our group was trying to figure out what kind of formula to buy.  Nothing was in English and we were all clueless.  I bet whoever was manning the video surveillance that night was getting a good laugh.  We looked ridiculous.  Dan and I tried to buy bananas and they took them from us all while shaking their heads sadly.  We finally figured out it was because we were the not-so-very-smart Americans and we didn’t put our bananas in a bag.  It happened to another family and the clerk brought them a plastic bag.  We, however, just got our bananas taken away. The Chinese buy very little at a time.  You couldn’t tell which line was express because no one bought more than they could carry home or take with them on their bikes. Dan and I commented many times about how many people live there but no one is really over weight.  Many people walk or bike.  The old buildings don’t have elevators.  They eat salad even at breakfast.  There is juice, fruit, and vegetables every where.  One of the families, that were very adventurous, walked around and ate from street vendors.  There was scorpions on a stick, tarantulas on a stick, eel on a stick.  I asked his daughter what she tried and she said strawberries on a stick.  I think I might have been able to handle that one.

  

  The best part about making it to Zhengzhou?  We got to finally get our little ones.  Gotcha Day was a big day for everyone!  We all waited at the Registration Office for them to show up.  They were coming from many different orphanages, some as far as 4 hours away, so we all just stood there in the room and cried as we watched families be united for the first time. Maisey came first and I just picked her up and held her.  Then we waited and waited for Ben.  Dan went to the door and grabbed his little boy.  Our family was whole.

  

  The worst part about China for me?  There were cars everywhere.  People pull in and out.  They drive 5 across on a 3 lane road.  They play chicken with each other.  You can be driving down the interstate with 3 lanes and all of a sudden 2 are just closed or better yet you come up over a hill and there is one of those motorized bikes carrying a hug bale of hay going right down the middle of the highway at about 15 mph.  People swerve in and out – no one wears seatbelts – no one has a infant/child safety seats.  You just hold on for dear life and PRAY…a lot!  People don’t pay attention to stop signs.  Our bus driver did a U-turn in the middle of downtown.  It was impressive.  When we headed to Hong Kong I texted Zach because our driver was doing over 145 kmh & I couldn’t get Google to do the conversion for me.  I like being safe.  I’m happy not going over 75 here.  China was a little hard on my nerves.  Amazingly though we saw very few accidents.  I don’t believe anyone is doing distracted driving in China.

  The best part about China other than getting our little ones?  We met 12 other wonderful families.  People that are now dear to my heart for many reasons.  I didn’t get to hang out with them as often as I hoped.  Dan got food poisoning and was leary of eating anywhere.  I enjoyed Papa John’s on numerous occasions.  How funny is that?  I’m in China and eating Papa Johns.  Many people brought their children and it was sweet to see them interact with their new siblings.  I was surprised at how attached the babies were to their new parents and how quickly it happened.  The day we got Maisey and Benjamin they just held on for dear life.  I have to believe that Dan’s prayers about letting them dream about us worked. They wouldn’t let us put them down.  Benjamin was so happy in the hotel room.  He would play and run and laugh like crazy.  They ate and ate and ate.  They fell asleep holding food.  Ben’s security blanket for the first couple of weeks was a spoon and a bowl.  They were deathly afraid of water.   All in all I was just amazed at how smoothly everything went.  I was prepared for the worst.  I truly expected fighting and screaming and fear.  The only fear Ben ever showed was whenever we left the hotel.  He looked so afraid that we were going to take him back.  When we got on the plane and headed home.  We kept telling him family and pointed to the picture that he wore every day while we were there.  I think he finally got it then or at least he had a glimpse of what his life was going to be like.

  

  There were many firsts while we were in China.  First time I’ve ever had a gas mask in the closet of my hotel room.  First time to see split pants.  First time I was told to “Be Prudent”.   I was surprised about the things I truly missed.  I missed just getting a drink out of the faucett.  Being able to text whenever I wanted to.  Facebook.  Knowing what the food was in the buffet.  Mainly, I missed holding my kids and being able to tuck them in at night. It was worth it to go get our two newest ones and I really enjoyed having a few days alone with them to bond, BUT I missed my babies at home horribly.

  

  Before we left China, we visited Ben’s orphanage.  The didn’t recommend we go to Maisey’s. It’s probably a good thing.  I’m not sure why exactly, but we weren’t even sure we wanted to go see Ben’s.  I was so upset at how skinny they both were. Many of the children came and they had the usual baby rolls.  Our kids just looked so little.  Ben(3 1/2)  was 22 pounds and Maisey (2) was 16.5 pounds.  I couldn’t see how they could have been properly taken care of.  For that reason, I was glad I went to Ben’s orphanage.  It was a clean, state-of-the-art building.  There were many handicapped children and they were understaffed, but the place was clean and they were trying as hard as they could.  I’ve read that in some orphanages the ratio is 25 or 30 to 1 nanny.   There are just too many children and not enough help.  Ben wanted nothing to do with any of the people in the orphanage.  He just held on to Dan and buried his little face in Dan’s neck. I’m glad we went.  I know they cared.  It just isn’t the place for a child to grow up.

  

  Now we’ve been home for over a month.  So much has changed.  Ben isn’t fearful. He loves his bath.  He shares his food.  He will actually turn down food now.  Ben says well over 100 English words.  He is so soft spoken and so sweet.  He holds his hand to his ear (like a phone)and asks to talk to Mema or Nana.  He loves to read and build things, especially with Zachary.  He runs and plays and is all boy.  Maisey has her BAHA and is hearing and talking and signing like crazy.  She turned two and had a great birthday.  Maisey is sweetness and love and giggles.  They have become part of our family so seamlessly.   I am so lucky to get to mother these two.  All the fears I had have not come to be.   People warn you of all sorts of things.  I haven’t seen any of them.   Life is good.  I would do it again in a heart beat.  What an amazing journey this has been.

  

• Motherhood

  Date: 2012.04.06 | Category: Family Life

  I’ve been thinking about this a lot….how stay at home mom’s are looked down upon but change it to caring for an orphan & suddenly it’s this much bigger thing.  Saving orphans is a wonderful thing and God calls us to do this, but remember a child is a child in God’s eyes.  So do everything as unto the Lord.  Your work is important. Those who are allowed the luxury of staying at home, glamorize work  while those at work, envy the time those at home have with their children.   It’s the whole grass is always greener thing.  This isn’t meant to criticize anyone.  I just wanted to share this article because it hit home for me.
  

   

  Motherhood as a Mission Field

  by Rachel Jankovic | June 16, 2011

   There is a good old saying, perhaps only said by my Grandfather, that distance adds intrigue. It is certainly true — just think back to anything that has ever been distant from you that is now near. Your driver’s license. Marriage. Children. Things that used to seem so fascinating, but as they draw near become less mystical and more, well, real.

  This same principle certainly applies to mission fields too. The closer you get to home, the less intriguing the work of sacrifice seems. As someone once said, “Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help Mom with the dishes.” When you are a mother at home with your children, the church is not clamoring for monthly ministry updates. When you talk to other believers, there is not any kind of awe about what you are sacrificing for the gospel. People are not pressing you for needs you might have, how they can pray for you. It does not feel intriguing, or glamorous. Your work is normal, because it is as close to home as you can possibly be. You have actually gone so far as to become home.

  Home: The Headwaters of Mission

  If you are a Christian woman who loves the Lord, the gospel is important to you. It is easy to become discouraged, thinking that the work you are doing does not matter much. If you were really doing something for Christ you would be out there, somewhere else, doing it. Even if you have a great perspective on your role in the kingdom, it is easy to lose sight of it in the mismatched socks, in the morning sickness, in the dirty dishes. It is easy to confuse intrigue with value, and begin viewing yourself as the least valuable part of the Church.

  There are a number of ways in which mothers need to study their own roles, and begin to see them, not as boring and inconsequential, but as home, the headwaters of missions.

  At the very heart of the gospel is sacrifice, and there is perhaps no occupation in the world so intrinsically sacrificial as motherhood. Motherhood is a wonderful opportunity to live the gospel. Jim Elliot famously said, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Motherhood provides you with an opportunity to lay down the things that you cannot keep on behalf of the people that you cannot lose. They are eternal souls, they are your children, they are your mission field.

  Faith Makes the Small Offering Great

  If you are like me, then you may be thinking “What did I ever give up for them? A desk job? Time at the gym? Extra spending money? My twenty- year- old figure? Some sleep?” Doesn’t seem like much when you put it next to the work of some of the great missionaries, people who gave their lives for the gospel.

  Think about the feeding of the five thousand when the disciples went out and rounded up the food that was available. It wasn’t much. Some loaves. Some fish. Think of some woman pulling her fish out and handing it to one of the disciples. That had to have felt like a small offering. But the important thing about those loaves and those fishes was not how big they were when they were given, it was about whose hands they were given into. In the hands of the Lord, that offering was sufficient. It was more than sufficient. There were leftovers. Given in faith, even a small offering becomes great.

  Look at your children in faith, and see how many people will be ministered to by your ministering to them. How many people will your children know in their lives? How many grandchildren are represented in the faces around your table now?

  Gain What You Cannot Lose in Them

  So, if mothers are strategically situated to impact missions so greatly, why do we see so little coming from it?  I think the answer to this is quite simple: sin. Discontent, pettiness, selfishness, resentment. Christians often feel like the right thing to do is to be ashamed about what we have. We hear that quote of Jim Elliot’s and think that we ought to sell our homes and move to some place where they need the gospel.

  But I’d like to challenge you to look at it differently. Giving up what you cannot keep does not mean giving up your home, or your job so you can go serve somewhere else. It is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.

  It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time. You will never make any difference there if you cannot be at peace here. You cannot have a heart for missions, but not for the people around you. A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive.

  God loves the little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&J’s will feed thousands. Given in faith, those presents on Christmas morning will bring delight to more children than you can count. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beginning. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied. And even then, there will be leftovers.

  Rachel Jankovic is a wife, homemaker, and mother. She is the author of “Loving the Little Years” and blogs at Femina. Her husband is Luke, and they have five children: Evangeline (5), Daphne (4), Chloe (2), Titus (2), and Blaire (5 months).

• Words that change your life…

  Date: 2012.03.29 | Category: Family Life

  I woke up this morning thinking about so many different things. This story was one of them. It goes along well with one of my favorite sayings – Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I love sayings, stories, quotes that make you think. That make you truly stop and appreciate what you have and who your life should be lived for.

  Welcome to Holland

  I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

  When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

  After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

  “Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

  But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

  The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

  So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

  It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

  But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

  And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

  But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

  c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

• So close…

  Date: 2012.03.06 | Category: Family Life

  So close to leaving.  15 hours and counting.  Going to go file taxes.  That ought to keep my mind off it for a little bit.  🙂

  Girls are going back and forth between hysterical giggling & talking a hundred miles an hour, to tears and asking me not to go because they will miss me too much.

  Everyone wants us all to be together.  They can’t wait to meet their brother and sister.   Everyone is anxious for the day, but 2 weeks seems like an eternity – which is funny considering it’s been a year of waiting.

  I’m praying for a safe trip for us and for my children at home to be safe & happy until we are all together again.

   

• My Special Children

  Date: 2012.03.01 | Category: Family Life

  I’ve been thinking about this lately.  I post about Gracie, Hope, Codey, Benjamin & Maisey.  I talk a lot about how Kyle’s death affected me.  The truth is I have two other very special children,  Zachary and Cassandra.  Zach and Cassie are exceptional in so many ways.  I was further reminded by an article I read last night.  http://shelby-utica.patch.com/blog_posts/dont-forget-about-mebeing-a-special-needs-sibling   I try my hardest to be there for them and to show them just how special they are. But the reality is they’ve had to grow up watching some pretty hard stuff.  They’ve been there when we’ve called 911.  They know how to do tube feedings.  They understand p.t. and o.t.  They’ve sat through countless doctor appointments and hospital stays.  Their lives have been anything but normal, but I think that is what has made them so exceptional.  I remember people commenting because I wouldn’t let them join the sibling support group at the hospital.  They went one time, but they came home talking about how everyone sat around and complained about how hard it was to have a special needs sibling.  I couldn’t let them do that.  One, because we couldn’t change what Codey’s reality was and two, because what you tell yourself over and over again becomes your reality. If I wake up every morning saying I hate my life, I will hate my life.  They were allowed to be frustrated.  They were allowed to complain, but then we discussed what it was like to be Codey and how privileged they were to have their health and the ability to dream and be whatever they chose to be.

  I know it’s hard to feel like you are in the shadows.  To feel like what you do isn’t as important as someone else or that you don’t matter enough.  Believe me I know.   The kids and I have had discussions about what it is like when everyone always talks about their siblings and their dad.  We have talked about how funny it is when Dan is interviewed and I’m always listed as the wife.  We joke that at least they get their names in the paper or magazine.  I’m married to a man who gets e-mails asking for advice from Turkey, Columbia, China, etc.  Who’s been asked to talk all around the world.  He has a book, writes articles, and most of all saves babies lives (with the help of God).  He has an amazing job and an amazing gift.  I have been at places where people have walked up to him and said, “You are THAT Dan!?!?”  It’s the most hilarious thing because it embarrasses him to no end.  I love that Dan does his work because he wants to make the lives of babies better not because he wants glory or fame.  He tells me constantly that he couldn’t do it without me, but it’s hard when people ask you if you are ever going back to school to do something with your life.  It’s funny because to me I always wanted to be a teacher or a nurse and I get to be both to the most amazing group of kids ever.  I feel like I have done something with my life.

  So today, I will talk about my third born.  Zachary is very bright (like score a 24 on his ACT in 6th grade kind of smart), sweet and kind. The kind of boy who always takes a moment to be with his siblings. The kind of boy who would give up working at EA Sports in Florida to come home and be with his new siblings.  How many 23 year olds do you know that would do that?  Codey grabs him the minute he sees him to say, “Drive, drive hurry.”  because Zach will take him for a ride.  He throws Codey in the car and off they go.  Zach’s only concern when we had Gracie?  That she wouldn’t know him because he was going to college.  He lived near home and drove daily for 4 years to get his degree at Iowa State University in Ames.  He did that because he knows what is important in this life. Gracie and him are extra close to this day for just that reason.  That is not to say he didn’t hang out with friends and spend weekends gaming with his buddies.  He’s still a boy, but he’s just a good kid. He has always put God first and then his family.  Zach has many good qualities but the one I love the most is his love of God.  He just trusts in God’s plan.  He always has.  One of my favorite moments with him was him sitting beside me on the step to our kitchen in our old trailer.  I had just miscarried and I was so sad.  I just sat there weeping with a 3 year old holding my hand.  He hugged me and kissed me.  He then told me how God had a plan and that I just needed to trust it.  I remember calling Dan and crying because my 3 year old was being more mature than I was.  Zach has his faults as we all do, but he is a man of integrity and honor (MOIH).  We have talked about it since he was little and he has grown into that man today.  I love him so.  I couldn’t have even dreamed of a better son.

  Cassandra is joy. There is no other way to describe her over-the-top bubbliness.  She is just plain joy.  She has always been the child who lives in the moment.  She is happy.  She will thank you excitedly for the smallest of gifts.  She has become one of my very best friends.  I love that she still wants to snuggle up and watch a movie with me.  That she will still sit and hold my hand.  We never had that angry teenage daughter/mother stuff.  She has always been a sweet soul.   She gets grief for telling people that “We are adopting.”   They always say “Your parents are adopting.”  But the truth of the matter is WE are all adopting.  If Cassie and Zach hadn’t been on board, we would have had to really consider whether it was right or not.  Dan and I are getting close to 50.  We are bringing 2 more special needs children into our family.  If Cassie hadn’t said that she was willing to parent them if something happened to us, I don’t know what we would have done.  But she was more than willing.  She is so excited about Benjamin and Maisey.  She is a girl with a great big heart.  She tries to do what is best.  She tries to follow God and where He is leading her even when the decisions are hard.  She had to make a really big decision when she was almost a senior.  It was what she believed was right, but it got blown out of proportion and she lost a lot of friends.  She has to deal with the gossip from her decisions to this day, but she does it with grace.  I love that about her.  I can almost guarantee that in high school I would have never had the courage to do what I believed God was telling me to do if it was going to cause discord.  I’m amazed at her strength of character.  She has been criticized many times for being too happy.  I love that about her.  If the most you can ever say wrong about my little girl is that she is too happy, well, then she will have done well.  She is sweet, caring and compassionate.  She is beautiful inside and out.  I love that about her.  I used to dream of one day having a little girl.  She is so much more than I ever dreamed.  And just in case you don’t know, on top of being sweet beyond belief and beautiful, the girl is smart as a whip too.  She won a Belin Blank award for scoring in the top 5% of the ACT too.  🙂

• Faith of a child…

  Date: 2012.02.26 | Category: Family Life

  We heard the song by Sidewalk Prophets called “You Can Have Me” yesterday and Gracie started singing.  She stopped to ask me, “Does that mean to leave everything and follow Jesus?”  I said, “Yes!” and she went back to singing with the song.  I must say there is nothing better than hearing a 6 year old belt out a song from 107.1.  When the song was over I asked her, “What would you do if Jesus asked you to follow him?”  She asked, “Would that mean I had to leave my family and everything?”  I said, “Yes!  Benjamin, Maisey, all of us.”  She said, “Well, of course, I would follow Him if He asked me to.  I have all of eternity to be with my family.”    The faith of a child is an amazing thing.  I would like to think I would say that, but I’m not 100% certain and I don’t like that at all.

  Today in church Pastor talked about taking up the cross.  Luke 9:23     Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

  I have been pondering this a lot lately.  I do a few things right, but I do so many things wrong.  So many of the choices I make are made by the world’s standards.  I’ve dealt with these conflicting thoughts a lot.

  Forgiveness. People who have hurt me – I have forgiven.  That one is easy to understand.  Christ forgave me for my sins – who would I be to not forgive others.  Before you say, some things are easier to forgive than others, believe me I’ve had horrible things happen.  I get that!  It’s taken me years to talk about being molested as a child.  I somehow thought that the act reflected poorly on me.  No one talked about it as I was growing up and I felt shame.  It wasn’t until Cassie was 10 (the same age I was when it happened) that I was able to say, “I was just a child!” and forgive myself.  The light bulb moment  in my healing was when I realized that sin is sin and just as Christ died for my sins, Christ died for his sins.  I forgave and I healed.  It didn’t make it right, but I was able to turn it over to God and let it go.

  God’s grace.  I can understand that one.  I try to implement it.  I often tell the story of running into a lady with my cart at Wal-mart right after Kyle died.  She was so angry with me.  I said I was sorry and sat there and cried.  She must have thought I was crazy. I didn’t even see her. I was so caught up in my grief and my thoughts.  I think of that often when someone cuts me off in traffic.  Are they on their way to the hospital?  Are they grieving?  Did they even see me?  Some days it’s easier to do than others, but I try. God’s grace is giving us what we don’t deserve.  During this time of lent, do that for others. Give up what you want for Christ, but also honor Him by giving what He has given you – grace and forgiveness.

  Faith & trust.  Believe me.   God has tested me on this one over and over again.  I can honestly say I’ve pretty much got it now.  That’s not to say I don’t get nervous or worry, but it doesn’t last.  Codey was still in the hospital when I found out I was pregnant with Zach and it was not planned.  God knew what He was doing, but I was so fearful.  I miscarried right before Cassie – that was hard to handle because I had sworn I’d never get pregnant again.  That’s a lot coming from a girl who once believed she wanted 12 kids.  Then came Cassie and being monitored the whole pregnancy.  Hope’s story – full of trust & faith.  Then Gracie, felt it to my core that God was telling me to have another child,  fertility doctor said he could do the tubal reversal but the odds of getting pregnant were slim – something like less than 20%.  I was 40, tubes had been tied 12 years, but I had the utmost faith if God was truly wanting me to get pregnant, then I would.  The very first month I was blessed with Grace.  I have never been so full of trust and faith in a loving God then I was while I was pregnant with her.  Then came her emergency delivery, I had a vessel rupture and they just happened to catch it at a routine ultrasound.  God was in control. I’ve been asked numerous times why I’m not upset – like when they said they were sending me for a bone marrow biopsy for Grace.  The doctor took me into the hall to ask me if I understood what he was saying?  He was worried because I hadn’t fallen apart.  How can you not have faith and trust in a God that has showed himself to you so many times?  God’s plan is perfect.  God’s timing is perfect.  God is holy and God is love.  God loved Gracie before me.  His plan for her is perfect.

  But taking up the cross and following Jesus, what does that really mean?   Does that mean giving up all worldly things.  Is any t.v. ok?  How much money is okay to spend on frivolous things?  How much is enough to give?  I know I can do more, but what is enough?  Does any of us know?  These are the thoughts I’m pondering.  I know I do so much less than many and a little more than some, but God is placing this on my heart more and more.  In the immediate future He is leading me to China, but I anxiously await where He leads me next.  Praying that I too can have the  faith of a child.

• Spring Cleaning

  Date: 2012.02.25 | Category: Family Life

  Working on the kids room and it is so cute.  Well, cute if you’re 2 & 4.  🙂   I hope they like it.  In the middle of going through old boxes, I found a box of old bills from when Codey was in the hospital.  Wow!  They start in 1987.  You should see the bill printed for 4/30/87 to 1/13/88.  I don’t even want to know how much paper was wasted printing off his bills.  I decided to shred them.  I’m not even sure why I have them still.  In the midst of all the bills was a letter from Methodist about me not paying my bill.  The boys were covered the minute they were born, but because they were 3 months early my delivery wasn’t covered.  1 more month and it all would have been covered, but because I was early Life flight and the delivery weren’t covered.  I remember getting the letter because I cried so hard and then I just sat on the floor and laughed.  It was for $4,500 & they told me they had given me ample time to pay for it because they had waited 4 months.  There was also a letter stating that we couldn’t hold the bill paying $5 a month.  How hilarious is that? How long would that have taken to pay off at $5/month.  They told us we could apply for financial aid if we thought we qualified.  We had both quit our jobs and we were living in the Ronald McDonald house trying to figure out what to do with our lives.  Needless, to say with no income, we qualified for help.  I thank God for insurance and for financial aid.

  So many memories came flooding back as I was going through his bills.  Having to leave Codey, who was so sick, and drive Kyle to the funeral home.  We couldn’t afford for them to come pick him up so we drove him up to Fort Dodge.  My mom & Linda with me, sitting there pathetically, holding the shell of my little boy – wishing I could do anything to change it. The chaplain told me that I should take him and that I wouldn’t regret it and she was right.  I remember having to hand him over to the funeral home director.  Having to pick out a little, white casket.  I was so afraid Codey would die while we were gone.  That was such a hard decision – do you stay with your son who is so ill and might die or do you drive 90 minutes away and bury your son?  I don’t know why I’m writing about it.  Maybe because the memory is so fresh and I don’t think I’ve ever put these words in writing.  I journal for the kids, but I don’t often do it for myself.  I don’t remember much about the funeral, except Dan.  I remember him walking to the back of the hearse and picking up the casket and carrying it to the gravesite.  Dan had never been to a funeral before and had never heard of pall bearers.  I carried Kyle to the funeral home and Dan carried him to the grave.  I suppose it was fitting.

  Linda recently found a typed up paper of what Dan read at the funeral.  I remember thinking how brave he was standing there and talking about Kyle. I won’t type the whole thing because it’s pretty long and it just restates what was going on with the boys and me.  I had gotten pretty sick after the delivery and he had all 3 of us to worry about.  Here’s what he said…The Lord has a plan for each of our lives.  These plans all come together to form one big overall plan.  These plans are all interrelated and interconnected so that a change in one results in a change in all.  As short as little Kyle’s life was, he was alive for a reason; actually, for very many reasons.  He was here to show us not to give up no matter how bad things are or how many things we have going against us.  He was here to show us how much love we have to give.  He gave my life a purpose and when his little brother is old enough to understand it will give purpose and meaning to his life too.  His death showed us not to waste a moment of life, but to cherish it for the precious thing it is.  It will affect everyone in some way, but there’s one thing I want to make clear.  He was here to make our lives better not worse.  If you let his death affect you in a negative way, then his life will have been wasted.  The Lord is watching over him now, and when the Lord call us home we will have our baby boy there to greet us.  His life can be best summed up by Job 1:21  and said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb and naked shall I return thither; the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. 

• Happy dance!

  Date: 2012.02.17 | Category: Benjamin, Family Life, Maisey

  Today we received notice that our Travel Approval came in.  We leave February 29th to bring Benjamin & Maisey home!  Praise the Lord!

• Uncertainty Overcome by God’s Grace

  Date: 2011.04.11 | Category: Benjamin, Family Life, Grace, Maisey

  We have been praying about it and we feel like God is leading us to adopt another child along with Mei-Lyn. We aren’t getting any younger and if we are going to do it, we should just do it. I’ve had this feeling before, the feeling that God is asking me to do something. Something that may not seem logical, but God is asking me to trust Him. I felt it with Hope. Dan just knew we were supposed to adopt her. Her adoptive parents backed out when they found out about her heart defect and Dan just knew even before she was born that he was supposed to be her daddy. He couldn’t explain it, but there he was in the hospital buying her booties & stuffed animals. He wrote a note in her chart that nurses had to rock her. She was his daughter without reservation. He called me to ask how I felt about adopting. We all agreed and Hope became part of our family.

  Later I had that same feeling, when at the age of 40, I felt like I should have a tubal reversal and try again to get pregnant. Why would I do that? I had adopted 5 years before. I know how wonderful it can be. There are many children who need to be loved and need a home. But Dan had exactly the same feeling so we proceeded. We went to a fertility specialist who told us my eggs were still healthy. I had the surgery. The doctor had warned us that the odds of me getting pregnant were slim to none. I was 40, my tubes had been tied since I was 28, and there was a lot of scarring. But I knew who was in control and if this feeling was truly from God, then I would become pregnant. I was totally at peace with whatever was God’s plan. I was pregnant the very first month.

  5 weeks early, at a routine ultrasound scheduled because I am an older mom, they notice that there is a ton of blood in my amniotic fluid. They rush me for an emergency c-section. The doctor knows that we wanted to try again after this baby, but because of the complications we decided to have a tubal again. I’m not sure I can go through that again. (We had already been through a lot with my first c-section with the twins at 28 weeks. Kyle died 5 days later and Codey wasn’t released from the hospital until he was 14 months old.) The doctor informs me that it is good because he has no idea how I got pregnant anyway. The first tube is unbelievably scarred and the second doesn’t even look like it’s hooked up. But we know who is in control and for that reason we name her Grace.

  Now I’m presented with adopting a second child from China. China has just made this available for really sick children. You can adopt them with another special needs child. We pray about it and decide that is really want God wants us to do so we tell the agency. They ask us to fill out another Medical Conditions Checklist. We fill it out and we mail it back it.

  Hope asks for a little boy with a heart defect like hers. We explain it can’t be as major as hers because most children don’t live past the first few weeks if it isn’t fixed. Dan says the new baby’s nickname will be Tigger. We all laugh because we know what happened when he nicknamed Mei-Lyn.

  We get an e-mail from the agency telling us that they got our checklist and they will try to match us, but please check their web-site for a list of “Special Focus” children. We start looking at children and there he is, a 2 and half year old little boy, with a major heart defect, standing in his crib, and holding Tigger. I can’t explain it. He is just mine. We write the agency and we wait for the next morning. I can’t wait any longer so I call. Could we please see the information on this little boy? Well, they would love to but another family is looking over his medical history and trying to decide.

  So I shop with my girls and I pray and pray and pray. I know that if God intends for this child to be mine, then they will say no. I know that. I truly know that, but I’m having a hard time. I get the e-mail on my Blackberry that Dan had me buy. (Sidenote: I thought it was ridiculous to have your e-mails sent to your phone. Hahaha….not anymore!) The other family has said no and the agency will send his medical information right away.

  I cry. I turn to Cassie and say that I can’t explain it. I feel exactly like I did with Mei-Lyn. He is supposed to be my son. What if it’s not fixable and Daddy says it’s not logical? What if I have to say no. What does God want me to do?

  Dan sends out the report to one of his cardiology friends. Have I mentioned how nice it has been that Dan is a doctor? He knows just the right people to ask and we get information that would be hard to come by quickly. I walk into Dan’s office when we get home and I just know. He’s upset, tears are in his eyes. He tells me it is not fixable. It would have been in the first few weeks of his life, but he’s too old now. Tigger’s heart is enlarged and his blood vessels thickened. Surgery is no longer an option. I cry. He looks at me and says, “I can’t explain it, but I feel God wants us to still do this. He may have 6 months. He may have 10 years. I don’t know. What do you want to do?” I say I want to proceed even though it doesn’t make sense. I’m pretty sure people will think we have completely lost our minds, but I just don’t care.

  I post Proverbs 3:5-6 on my Facebook because that is how I feel. Dan jokes that at this point in our lives we should maybe have it tattooed on us. He can always make me laugh.

  We send back a letter telling the agency we want to proceed and we will send our Letter of Intent in the morning. We spend an hour talking about what God wants us to do. Why is he asking us to do this? We talk about our other children and how they want to proceed. We are so proud of their open hearts and their willingness to love this little boy. We talk about how Tigger will always be ours no matter how much time we have with him. We talk about how we don’t know how long any of us have. There are no guarantees. We talk about how all of us have been adopted into God’s family and how God must feel. I wonder if God feels this way knowing that we could be His, but waiting for us to make that decision. We are as broken as Tigger, if not worse, and God just patiently waits. He waits for us to become His children.

  This morning (4/21/11) I wake up and read my devotions that are sent to my e-mail. The Parenting by Design devotion from Crosswalk and what does it say? “Uncertainty” and the verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. I laugh out loud. Yes, God. I am listening. Here is the devotion: How comfortable are you with uncertainty? Many parents agonize over decisions because they are afraid of making a mistake, but God doesn’t promise to give us absolute certainty. He invites us to know and trust Him in the midst of uncertainty. That’s what faith is all about! If you constantly worry about your children, surrender your fears to God. Instead of being determined to figure out what God wants you to do, focus instead on who He is. As human beings with finite minds, we do not always understand the eternal purposes behind events. Faith is trusting that our story will fit perfectly into His story. Trust God’s character in the midst of uncertainty and embrace the wisdom and goodness of God.

  And so I trust. I wait, while wishing I could just jump on a plane, but still I trust that God’s timing is perfect. He has brought me to my new son and daughter. I rejoice. I wait. I trust.