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Faith of a child…
We heard the song by Sidewalk Prophets called “You Can Have Me” yesterday and Gracie started singing. She stopped to ask me, “Does that mean to leave everything and follow Jesus?” I said, “Yes!” and she went back to singing with the song. I must say there is nothing better than hearing a 6 year old belt out a song from 107.1. When the song was over I asked her, “What would you do if Jesus asked you to follow him?” She asked, “Would that mean I had to leave my family and everything?” I said, “Yes! Benjamin, Maisey, all of us.” She said, “Well, of course, I would follow Him if He asked me to. I have all of eternity to be with my family.” The faith of a child is an amazing thing. I would like to think I would say that, but I’m not 100% certain and I don’t like that at all.
Today in church Pastor talked about taking up the cross. Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
I have been pondering this a lot lately. I do a few things right, but I do so many things wrong. So many of the choices I make are made by the world’s standards. I’ve dealt with these conflicting thoughts a lot.
Forgiveness. People who have hurt me – I have forgiven. That one is easy to understand. Christ forgave me for my sins – who would I be to not forgive others. Before you say, some things are easier to forgive than others, believe me I’ve had horrible things happen. I get that! It’s taken me years to talk about being molested as a child. I somehow thought that the act reflected poorly on me. No one talked about it as I was growing up and I felt shame. It wasn’t until Cassie was 10 (the same age I was when it happened) that I was able to say, “I was just a child!” and forgive myself. The light bulb moment in my healing was when I realized that sin is sin and just as Christ died for my sins, Christ died for his sins. I forgave and I healed. It didn’t make it right, but I was able to turn it over to God and let it go.
God’s grace. I can understand that one. I try to implement it. I often tell the story of running into a lady with my cart at Wal-mart right after Kyle died. She was so angry with me. I said I was sorry and sat there and cried. She must have thought I was crazy. I didn’t even see her. I was so caught up in my grief and my thoughts. I think of that often when someone cuts me off in traffic. Are they on their way to the hospital? Are they grieving? Did they even see me? Some days it’s easier to do than others, but I try. God’s grace is giving us what we don’t deserve. During this time of lent, do that for others. Give up what you want for Christ, but also honor Him by giving what He has given you – grace and forgiveness.
Faith & trust. Believe me. God has tested me on this one over and over again. I can honestly say I’ve pretty much got it now. That’s not to say I don’t get nervous or worry, but it doesn’t last. Codey was still in the hospital when I found out I was pregnant with Zach and it was not planned. God knew what He was doing, but I was so fearful. I miscarried right before Cassie – that was hard to handle because I had sworn I’d never get pregnant again. That’s a lot coming from a girl who once believed she wanted 12 kids. Then came Cassie and being monitored the whole pregnancy. Hope’s story – full of trust & faith. Then Gracie, felt it to my core that God was telling me to have another child, fertility doctor said he could do the tubal reversal but the odds of getting pregnant were slim – something like less than 20%. I was 40, tubes had been tied 12 years, but I had the utmost faith if God was truly wanting me to get pregnant, then I would. The very first month I was blessed with Grace. I have never been so full of trust and faith in a loving God then I was while I was pregnant with her. Then came her emergency delivery, I had a vessel rupture and they just happened to catch it at a routine ultrasound. God was in control. I’ve been asked numerous times why I’m not upset – like when they said they were sending me for a bone marrow biopsy for Grace. The doctor took me into the hall to ask me if I understood what he was saying? He was worried because I hadn’t fallen apart. How can you not have faith and trust in a God that has showed himself to you so many times? God’s plan is perfect. God’s timing is perfect. God is holy and God is love. God loved Gracie before me. His plan for her is perfect.
But taking up the cross and following Jesus, what does that really mean? Does that mean giving up all worldly things. Is any t.v. ok? How much money is okay to spend on frivolous things? How much is enough to give? I know I can do more, but what is enough? Does any of us know? These are the thoughts I’m pondering. I know I do so much less than many and a little more than some, but God is placing this on my heart more and more. In the immediate future He is leading me to China, but I anxiously await where He leads me next. Praying that I too can have the faith of a child.
