Archive for the ‘Family Life’ Category
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2024 – “Better Than Before” Has Become 2025 – “THRIVE Not Just Survive!”
I find myself coming to this place over and over again, wanting to share what is really going on but not wanting to share too much for fear that others won’t understand. You’re told that it’s your children’s story to tell so you try not to share too much. There are those who would say that I’ve already shared too much. I get that. I try hard not to share any information about where they were found or how the ended up in an orphanage or the facts of the stories they’ve told me, unless they’ve given me permission. Believe me when I say I have story upon story that would break your heart and I won’t share those. However, I do feel like it helps me when others are forthright and honest. It helps to know you are not alone. It helps to spread information so others can learn and grow too so I will share our story as carefully as I can.
I find it hard to advocate right now, even though I would go back and do it all over again. How do I honestly tell others how hard it’s been? Some of the illogical things that have happened would blow your mind; you’d probably never believe me. How do you convince someone that something that will be the hardest thing they have ever done in their life will be worth it? How do I know they will feel the same way in the end that I do? Maybe they will regret doing it. Maybe they will hate that they will have to heal all the things that it brings up in themselves. Maybe they will wish they stayed with the easy and the known instead of heading into the chaotic unknown. But God doesn’t call us to the comfortable. He doesn’t. If you want to be His hands and feet, you are going to be broken. It’s not an if, it’s a when.
I mean, “What if this child never loves or cares about me?” is a hard pill to swallow. As a mother, I can tell you this has been the hardest part for me. What if this child never gets past being mad? What if I’ve truly hurt the rest of my children trying to help these children heal? What if I give my whole heart and they never accept it? What if it’s just too late to get them to trust you? “The Nurturing Enemy” is a real thing. How many times does someone have to abandon you for you to never trust that someone will love you and not leave you? I get all of that, I really do, but I was absolutely serious when I told them that they don’t have to reciprocate my love, but they do have to be polite to their family.
Someone recently said to me that I’m so busy trying to save said children that I haven’t noticed everyone else is drowning too. Talk about a wake up call. A nice gentle bucket of cold water over your head to really wake you up.
I am a fixer. I am an empath. I am a teacher. I kept thinking that if I could just find the right story, the right video, the right words, maybe I could reach them. I’ve been called unfathomable things by said children. I’ve had children spend years trying to make others believe that I’m the bad guy. As a matter of fact, their motto is “If I can get others to believe mom is bad, then I am not bad.” I’m not here to defend myself. I’ve learned long ago that people will believe what they want to believe. It’s hard with children from trauma though because they are so believable. Unless you’ve lived with someone who can manipulate and lie to this degree, you can’t understand it. Especially when 75% of the time they are a good kid, but at some point in your life the 25% that happens when they are angry is just too big a toll for the rest of the family.
We’ve had four children that have had a hard transition. These four children spent more time in the orphanage than the others. These four children have had to work through more than anyone should ever have to. One child has turned it around completely. She finally believed us when we said, “We love you. You don’t have to feel those big feelings toward us. Maybe someday you will. Maybe you never will. But you can trust that we love you and and that we will never leave.” She has accepted that. She tells me it really is as simple as that – trusting that we will never leave her and knowing that family is better than being alone. The other three have decided that pushing family away is the only sure way to never be hurt again. If you make everyone who loves you, hate you, then your life will be so much easier. This is not an over exaggeration. If you ask them, they will tell you this.
I think the hardest part, as a parent, is that you protect them-as you should. You don’t tell people what’s going on because you hope they move past it. You hope they start to heal. You let things slide. You want to protect their reputation because, who wants to be known for the dumb and hurtful things they did as a child? Especially as a child who grew up in an orphanage. At some point, though, there has to be accountability, not for the past but for the things that continue today.
One day you have a friend or family who is visiting and said child says something that isn’t true, and you naively decide that for once, you are going to tell the truth. You are going to let someone know just a little bit about what is happening, but the visitor does not believe you. They say, “How could that sweet, charming child lie or hurt this family?” Since they’ve never seen or heard about what has gone on, they take the child’s side or look at you sideways, like maybe they don’t really know you. Doubt begins. These few kids are really good about only doing this behavior in front of the people, “that already know how I behave”, as they say.
I won’t defend myself to others. I am the person I present here. I have faults too. I know that. I cuss. I’ve yelled way too may times and way too loudly. I’ve cried. I’ve begged. I haven’t shut up when I should have. Want to know what my other faults are? (Often times our biggest gifts are our area of weakness too.) I forgive way too easily, which in turn enables those who manipulate. I refuse to give up on people. I don’t let people feel the consequences of their actions. I hate when people are sad which in turn had me comforting them for hurting me. I give second and hundredth and thousandths chances. I am not sorry I spent so much time trying to teach them. I am sorry I spent so much time trying to teach them when they weren’t ready to learn. Our other children got so tired of me begging someone else to make the right choice.
And by right choice I mean being polite. Things like, “do your 5 minute chore so your brothers and sisters don’t have to do your work too. Say please and thank you. Respond when someone is talking to you, not have a conversation, just respond.” You get the point. These are not big, complicated choices. I think at one point, when we were asked what “being polite” meant, we said that you just have to treat your family like you would treat a stranger you met at any store. We all know what polite means in that context. You say “excuse me” and “please” and “thank you” and maybe even a “hi”.
I will tell you that I had no clue that, while I was sitting by their bedside comforting them and saying things like “Today is a new day. Let’s make better choices. I know yesterday didn’t go like we thought it would but today can be so much better. ” -you know basic comfort and teaching talk- that they were thinking, “this is funny. I like wasting her time. It’s funny how mom thinks I care. How much of her time can I waste?” (These are actual quotes.) Years later when they admitted this to me, I was so unbelievably confused and sad. I mean, why not just say that to me so I can stop wasting our time? Why? Because everything is a game.
Have I mentioned how much I hate what orphanage life teaches children? I guarantee you that you don’t know what they are thinking.
I haven’t posted for years. One reason is that I don’t know what to say. The other is that I know there are others out there, much like me, who started out in their adoption dreamland and got their butts kicked and they are waiting for me to get my butt kicked too. They know it’s coming. Now don’t get me wrong there are many children in my house who have been adopted and are doing well, but life is hard. It will kick your butt whether your child is biological or adopted. Sometimes we forget that much of the stuff that is going on is just normal kid stuff, but the truth is that trauma adds a whole other level that can be hard to get through. It’s an extra special kind of butt whooping. It’s a butt whooping that will give you whiplash and leave you wondering if you even know what’s going on.
In 2022, I got this great idea to make it a year of healing and it was healing…for me. 2022 – the year of healing me and you. Every Saturday morning I would ask these children two questions. “Is there anything you would like to discuss that will lead to your or our family’s healing? Is there any hurt or misunderstanding that you would like to talk about?” I would tell them how much I love them but we can’t continue the way it’s going. I would ask if they would like to talk and they would answer “No!”.
Said children said nothing. Not once in 52 weeks did they say something we could work on. On December 31, 2022, I was told by two children that they didn’t need to do anything. They haven’t caused any problems and all the fault with our relationships were mine. I almost lost my mind. Seriously?? I mean, they could have told me that the first month. It would have saved a lot of time. But, as they said, “It was just too much fun watching you try to fix things and knowing we wouldn’t do any of it.” They waited in anticipation for the 31st of December so they could watch me cry. You’ve got to give them credit- they are dedicated to the cause once they decide something. My prayer is that someday this stubbornness goes towards something other than making me cry.
A few things happened that year. I learned a lot about letting go. The other children learned that I was serious about healing our family. They learned that mistakes are only mistakes if you don’t learn from them and move forward. They learned that I wasn’t going any where. They learned even more about unconditional love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy. They learned that we grow by looking at what we need to work on. Nothing gets healed if you never look at it or talk about it or fix it. Nothing gets healed if you pretend you’re never wrong. Nothing gets healed if you are afraid to hear the truth. I heard what my other children were saying: “Mom, please stop trying!”
In 2023, my motto was you can only heal “me”. So 2023 became 2023 – I can only heal me. I had the children say it to themselves. I reminded them that no one can heal them. They have to heal. They have to work through it. Just like I do. I had to be forgiven for my parts in the fights. I had to work on my cussing that got out of control when I was angry. No one can make you angry. You allow yourself to get angry. I had spent years allowing things to happen and trying to be connected and all I did was enable a few of the children to always be forgiven even when things they did or said were beyond mean.
Here is an example of the things that happen. This is a simple one but it shows how committed they can be to making you look bad. One child, let’s call them “Jo”, barely needed glasses. I had taken 11 kids to get eye exams in a week. I remember that “Jo” really wanted glasses even though the optometrist said that they really weren’t needed. I remember her trying on glasses. I just don’t even remember ordering them. I know that sounds crazy, but I didn’t remember at all. The office called the house and said the glasses were in, but no one passed the message on to me. “Jo” waited 5 months for the perfect opportunity to “get me back”, as she said. We went to the dentist’s office and she proceeded to ask loudly, in front of the dental staff, “Mama, are you ever going to get me my glasses that I need? It’s been months? Don’t you care?” All she had to do is ask me 5 months ago if her glasses were in, but she decided I didn’t care about her because I forgot she ordered glasses. She decided to wait until the could humiliate me in front of people who don’t really know me as “payback”. When we got back in the bus after the dentist’s appointment, “Jo” said, “Now they know what a horrible mother you are.”
2023 saw great healing in our family and one of the four children. It was truly remarkable. Families need to grow. All families have some level of dysfunction. I mean, you can’t have imperfect people together and expect them to be perfect. I like to know what needs to be fixed. I can’t fix it if I don’t know it. I’d rather sit at a table and hear what you have to say, then pretend it’s ok. Believe me I’ve heard it all. Once you’ve heard “I wish you would die. My life would be better if you died…” not much else can shake you. You can’t fix what they won’t acknowledge.
In 2024 our family motto became 2024 – Better than Before. I think that is a life lesson we all should learn. Every new year it’s not about your past mistakes, it’s about making this year better than the last. Every day we get a new start. We get 1,440 minutes to do whatever we want with the day. We get approximately 1,000 minutes if we take out our hours sleeping. We can live it in love or anger. If we all got better every year, imagine where this world would be. That’s what I want for my family. Some hard decisions may have to be made in the future about who can and can’t be around the family, but for this year we waited to see who would step up to be better. Those who want to be a family are doing better and the two who are having a harder time have decided they don’t want to be in the house. The decision was made to let them live on the property in a tiny home. These two aren’t ready to live alone. They still need supervision and help, but they have the ability to be responsible for their own place.
And then life threw us a curve ball and we decided to move. Moving is one of the most stressful things for a “normal” family, let alone a family like ours. We no longer had a tiny home for them to move into. We told the two that we just needed time to get the garage apartment completely done for them. We walked them through this new beginning and starting from scratch. How they would just have to live in the house for a little while until the garage was done. Our other children gave the two a start over pass, which meant they could literally just start over in their relationships with their siblings. I was so proud of the other children’s forgiveness and trying to make it work. We explained what a great thing small town living would be for them. They could be truly independent. They could go to church by themselves. They could go to the library. They could go to the store and restaurants. There was a walking path they could go on. The park is across the street. There was so much potential for them to live a good life.
We started 2025 in our new house, in our new neighborhood, with the motto: 2025: Thrive, Not Just Survive. We started off great. We started attending a new church, a few of the kids got involved in ninja again, they started attending a youth group. We finished the garage so that the two had their own space once again. We watched parades, went for walks, played at the park, tried roller skating, had a huge party for Adoption Day. We thought we were living our best lives. What we didn’t know is one of the children already decided she didn’t want any of it.
What do you do when a child decides to check out of their family? What do you do when you are trying your best to make sure they are taken care of, when you know they could be taken advantage of? They are still naive but think they know it all. Truthfully, I guess that could be said about most of us as teens. Elyse wanted to be on her own. Now if she had just said that at 18, I would have just helped her move forward to achieving her goal. Instead, she did everything she could to get thrown out so she could say it wasn’t her choice. We let her stay an extra 6 months after “being thrown out” to make sure she had thousands of dollars saved from her job so she had a cushion to fall back on if she needed it. We helped her get transferred to another location for her job, one that had an apartment building directly behind her place of employment. We made sure her apartment was on a bus line and showed her how to apply for paratransit. We furnished her apartment and set her up as best we could. Then I had to walk away and let her live her life.
What the three struggling kids have told me is they have the belief everything they have done in the past is “just too much”. In their minds, there is nothing they can do to fix it. They want to live alone, with no chores or being told what to do. They know that living on their own and having no one is the way to go because then no one can let them down. They don’t have to try any more because they are tired of trying. They don’t want to love anyone because it just hurts. I get all of that. I understand past hurts. Here’s the truth…you can NOT make someone want to start the journey of healing. You can NOT make someone want family. You can NOT fix it all with love. You can NOT do anything but “Let Them” as the saying goes.
Let me assure you we all think it’s sad. What a choice to make. I keep saying, “But what if…” I can list facts. I can write them out. I can read them to them. They will agree that it is absolutely the truth but they can’t get past the past so they still believe the lies they have told themselves. They are so filled with guilt and shame that they feel it’s insurmountable and that breaks my heart. It’s not insurmountable. They’ve already been forgiven by me.
I have no control over what anyone does. What I do know is that all I can do is continue to teach them to the best of my abilities and then let them find their way. God loves them way more than I do. He loved them first. Even if it breaks my heart because they don’t want what I think they should want – family. The three that are having the hardest time were all in foster care. Is all of this because they were abandoned twice? I don’t know. Is all of this because they were in the orphanage longer? I don’t know. Probably. Is it all because children need to be held, to be comforted, to have someone show up for them, and be able to trust the person that is holding them? Absolutely!
Everyone always says “hurt people hurt people” but that’s not entirely true. Hurt people who won’t heal hurt others. I’ve been through a lot as a kid. I refuse to do to others what had been done to me. It’s why I talk through things. I spent years never knowing what I did wrong. It’s why I clarify. I spent years wondering if I misunderstood something. It’s why I let people know the rules from the start. I don’t like uncertainty.
As I said, I am in no way perfect. I hurt my family too by continuing to argue and get drawn into fights that ripped me and my family apart. What this cycle turned into was not good for anyone. But what I have learned – finally (it took me long enough) – is that you have to believe what people are showing you. You can’t go through life giving excuses like “that’s not really what you mean”. You have to pocket it and believe it, even if it means you have to give up hope for this season, not forever. I could never agree with what they were saying before because it felt like I was giving up hope.
The “three” have decided collectively that if you can prove that I’m a bad mother, then they never did anything wrong. Even though I explain that’s not how this works. We can both be wrong. We are both wrong. I’m not on here trying to defend myself. People are going to believe what they want to believe. If you are in camp, “see, I told you you shouldn’t have adopted so many kids”, then this is your lucky day. You can say “I told you so.” I still won’t believe it, though, because I have lived through the many wonderful miracles that led us to all of these children. It has been an incredible faith-filled journey.
I’m on here today to encourage any other mother who is going through the same thing. Save your breath. Stop explaining. They’ve heard it. They know it. One of the kids quotes my words to her friends that are hurting. They hear you, they do, Mama. Stop fighting. Lay it down. If you are a believer, lay it at Jesus’ feet. Just love. Just hope. Just trust. I’m not hear to tell you there is some magic happy ending. There might be. There might not be. But you can love and let go. This pep talk is as much for you as it is for me. I know you think they aren’t ready -they might not be- but you can’t control anything. I know you want to protect them and keep them safe and wait until they are ready, but if they are saying “I can’t wait to get out of here”, you have to let them go. if they walk away from you forever, it’s out of your control. All you can control is you. Just love them, pray for them, and hope one day they will be ready to receive that love. Hope is a powerful thing, even when it’s just a flicker.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
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Our Sanctuary
This post has been a long time coming. I’m finding it hard to put into words how amazing our new home is for our family, but on the eve of the one year anniversary of our move, I feel the need to praise God for these amazing blessings!
We’ve finally settled in and found our groove. We finally closed on the sale of the home we have lived in for 23 years on February 3rd. It’s bittersweet. We loved our acreage, but I couldn’t love this church or the little town more. There is so much here. The parks, the walking paths, the swimming pool, the library, the little restaurants, the sweet people, the parades that go right by our front door. I could not be happier with our move. We loved our old house but our family needed this church.
I’ve been silent on this blog for a long time; I haven’t written since October of 2021. We’ve been going through a lot with a couple of the kids. Trauma is not for the faint of heart. I haven’t written about adoption or adopting because I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemies but at the same time I know how important adoption is. I know that kids need a home. I know that a life that makes a difference will be filled with pain. The quote is “Your calling is going to crush you.” It will. It will break your heart. It will turn your life upside down. I think adoptive parents – or parents of any type – who are going through a hard time keep quiet. They don’t want to hurt their child by sharing their dark moments. A parent’s only prayer and hope is that they get their child through this season. You don’t want people to judge them. You don’t want people to think poorly of them, especially since you know they have very good reasons for acting out as they heal from their pain. I also think, truthfully, you sit on your secret because no one would believe you even if you shared it. It’s illogical. It’s beyond crazy. Some days make you question your sanity. There is healing but it takes a long, long time. You just hope you are strong enough to see it through the end.
Still, I feel like I should have been writing. I should have been sharing so others know they aren’t alone. Not sharing so much it hurt our children, but enough that people know there is hope during the struggle. Adoption with trauma, special needs children, and medical issues make for a very isolating journey. It’s good to know you are not alone. Would I still recommend adoption? Absolutely! It’s just not something everyone should do. Be prepared to do hard things. There is no fairy tale ending, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.
This home, our church, is a true sanctuary and a new start for all of us. It’s been such a blessing. The cycles of frustration and anger have been put to an end and those of us left here can all hopefully heal.
I had been looking for a house that would work for our family for the past 8 years. 7 years ago, I thought I had found it. God had answered all my prayers and we moved to an acreage 30 minutes east of our old home. I thought that it was a better fit for us because it had a 1,200 square foot lodge style living room that was perfect but the bedrooms were small (although there were 5) and the house was older. I thought it would work but Dan and the kids wanted to stay in the only home they knew. They didn’t like being so isolated and far from town. Dan was worried that I might have an asthma attack and die before they got me help. We moved into the acreage and a few months later, before we even listed our old home, we moved back.
I was crushed, but my family was happy. It was the right thing to move back but it didn’t feel that way at the time.
For years now, I have been looking at houses. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I have always loved house tours and home remodeling shows, but the houses that would fit our family with 6 bedrooms and large rooms were all a million dollars or more. I wondered how we would ever gather together as a family in the future with all the spouses and children. I considered meeting together in an Airbnb but with Max and Lainey being elopers, it would be so hard to relax. We couldn’t meet in a hotel because I have two kids who yell when they are panicked. I dreamed and prayed and envisioned the perfect house for years now. I thought God had answered all my prayers with that first one then but it wasn’t to be.
Last June, we had a packed house for our Family Day gathering, where the wheelchairs couldn’t move and we didn’t have enough room to really sit together. Jessica came to me and said she now understood what I was saying all those years ago; with everyone there she couldn’t really move around the house. It was a tight fit, but it was June and we spent lots of time in our backyard so it didn’t seem bad. I knew Thanksgiving and Christmas would be much harder.
The night before I saw the listing for this church on Facebook, I had cried myself to sleep. I had toured another home that just wouldn’t work. I was frustrated and exasperated. I finally said, “God, I give up control. You know my heart. You know my dreams. You can provide in ways that I can’t even fathom. You are a good God and I live in a beautiful home. I’ve always known that. I am blessed beyond measure and I am not complaining. I have so much. It’s wrong for me to even ask for more. You know what we need. I trust you. No more thinking about it. If its meant to be, I’ll just wait for you to show me. You are a good, good God.” I laid it all down. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how I was trying to control so much that wasn’t really in my control. I needed to just be content with what I had because I had so much. I felt terrible that I even wanted more when so many did without. I fell asleep at peace.
The very next morning I saw the church that had been converted into a home listed on Facebook. I laughed to myself and said, “Really? First thing this morning I have to be tempted by a beautiful home?” But then I did what I always do with a really cool house that I find: I messaged Cassie the link. It was a pipe dream. $640,000? How could we ever make that happen? Our current home could not be shown in the state it is. We weren’t even ready for a move. I certainly didn’t want to be trying to show a home with 12 kids and 6 dogs. We needed time to fix it up and there’s no way anyone is going to approve us for two home loans. It was 45 minutes the other direction from our home. The list of reasons why we shouldn’t look at it went on and on.
Cassie told me that she was going to hit the “tour” button just to go look at it. I said I couldn’t, but then I relented and at 6 p.m. on July 2nd we met the realtor. I mean, I love old houses. I love the big woodwork, the architecture. What could it hurt to tour the house and just see how cool it was?
I walked in and teared up. It was amazing!
It was seriously everything I had ever imagined in my head. It was so perfect. I mean, who puts in a 12 seat peninsula?
Dan looked at me, saw my face, and said that he knew we were moving. He had no idea how he was going to make it happen but he said he knew we were going to move. The living room/kitchen was almost 2,000 square feet. Gracie came over after work intent on talking me out of buying this house because our old home has been the only home she’s known. She walked in and said that she too knew that we were moving. She said, “Mom, this is everything you’ve ever described in your dream house. I can’t take that away from you. How do we make this happen?” I told her I had no idea.
Dan and I prayed about it and decided to move forward and the next morning we took the kids to see the church. Everyone loved it. A few were worried about the work we’d have to do moving. They were also worried about the money. One child even told me they’d move, but they would NOT socialize. hahaha
We decided to put in an offer. Now mind you this is July 3rd at noon. I called the banker we had worked with for our previous home equity loans, but he was out of town. The realtor told us that we had until 9:00 that night to get preapproval and send in an offer because there was already a contingent offer that the sellers had accepted. The realtor we used gave me his finance guy’s number. I called and left a message. Justin, the realtor (who has also adopted) asked if his finance guy called me back yet and I said “No”. Then all of a sudden I get a call at 3:30 from the finance guy who says, “Apparently I need to stop sitting by the pool because Justin says I have an amazing family that I need to help get preapproval for the house of their dreams.” So he sent me the papers, I frantically pulled all the information together, and we got preapproval at 6:30. WHAT?!??!? How does that even happen?
The other buyers had a contingency clause that said if another buyer comes forward they have 24 hours to get the money together or prove they don’t need to sell their house before buying the church. So we sat and prayed for 24 hours. I felt bad about the other buyers but I prayed that God would give them the house that they needed too if we were allowed to buy this house. At 6:30 p.m. on July 4th we got the news they accepted our bid. Cillian’s words were “WoooHoo!!! Let me get my shoes.”
When we toured the church it had all sorts of verses and sweet sayings. The bathroom had a print that said “Is this heaven? No, it’s just my beautiful home.” A pillow with “blessed” on it. The front entry had a sign that said “In this house let love abide and bless all those who step inside” And amazing grace was written every where.
It’s been so crazy. Not only is there a 12 seat peninsula but there is a stage with a dance floor. My favorite thing to do with my kids and grandkids is to have disco dance parties.
There are two laundry rooms and two kitchens. The kitchen in the basement is huge and made for church meals. There are two stoves and a power strip in the wall for crock pots.
We are set for family gatherings. Plus, the basement is 3,500 square feet. It has 3 bedrooms, a bathroom, laundry room, that huge kitchen, and a huge open living room.
One part of my dream was to have a multigenerational home. Cassie and Reece had been living in an apartment at our old home. Cassie wanted to stay at home with Cillian, so they moved back into the apartment that Cassie had lived in during college so Cassie didn’t have to work. Cassie, who is a teacher, started home schooling our kids. What a blessing that has been. When we saw the church basement, we knew it would work for them still.
Cassie and Reece moved into the basement, which doesn’t look like a basement because of the massive windows. Reece and Cassie have always wanted to live in a below ground house because they really like it cool. We had been looking at building for them on our old property but we were having trouble getting zoning because we couldn’t figure out how to get a driveway all the way to the back acre. But now they get their dream too.
Plus, the very best part is that Cassie and Reece have agreed to be the caretaker of all our children who need lifetime care when we pass. This will be our forever home. The house will be paid for and our disabled children will have a place to live forever. They will never have to live in a nursing home. Praise the Lord!!!
The town has turned out to be so much more than I could have ever dreamed of. Jasmine, who has her own apartment in our garage, can come and go when she wants. She has independence and freedom that she didn’t have at our other home. She can go out to eat at the restaurants in town. She loves when the food trucks come to town. She goes to the library whenever she wants. Everything is in walking distance. It is truly a blessing.
I didn’t know we needed this. I didn’t know we needed a small community. I didn’t know, but now I do.
I wake up every morning in unbelief that I get to live here. I hope that I never, ever, ever take this blessing for granted. We are feeling beyond truly seriously blessed. Happy first year – heading to forever – new home anniversary!
***All the photos are from the previous home owners.
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Silver Linings
Life is hard. Sometimes it doesn’t go the way you expected. Sometimes it makes no sense and you struggle to understand they “whys”, especially when you’ve waited years and years to get pregnant and when you finally do, the delivery isn’t what you expected, the recovery isn’t what you expected and then, to top it all off, you have to spend days in the hospital after the baby is born.
Cassie joked over and over again that she had no birth plan except to have Cillian be here with her. Everything else she would take as it came. I am so thankful that has been her feelings all along because even though this was hard she knew what was important in the end.
I’d be the first to admit that I don’t understand why life is so unfair sometimes. Oh, I know the bible verses…this life will bring you trials, there will be tests, etc. There are many stories in the Bible that show life is hard, life is unfair and it doesn’t always go the way we want, but in the end lessons are learned and God works the bad for good. I get it. I understand it, but it doesn’t mean I like it.
It was easier for me to tell Satan “Not today!” when we were in the middle of an adoption. It is a well known fact in the adoption world that everything breaks down right in the middle of the hard of raising funds, doing paperwork and waiting. I reminded myself over and over again during our adoptions to not let Satan steal my joy. Something good would happen and then something would break. I would yell, “You can not steal my joy!” I think it’s easier to do that when there is something you are working towards, when you can see the good that is happening but it’s harder when you can’t see the purpose.
If I admit it, most of my growth as a Christian has come during really hard times NOT when life was smooth and I was just coasting. During the easy times you forget to thank God and you forget that you even really need him. You just go about your life feeling like you’ve got it mostly together. Do you know anyone who hasn’t been through some trial? Does anyone leave this earth unscathed? Death, destruction, rape, natural disaster, cancer. Is there any adult who hasn’t gone through something? I think we’d be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t gone through the hard, but for some reason we like to think we are the only ones.
So during this time with Cassie, I reminded her not to let Satan steal her joy. She has waited so long to be a mother. She has always known she wanted to be a mother. She will make a great mother. Yes, there were roadblocks. Yes, there have been complications. Yes, there have been troubles and tests, but to try and remember what an amazing miracle this little guy is. When you are sad and in pain, it is hard to be joyful. I get that. Truly I do. You are allowed to cry out. You are allowed to weep. You just shouldn’t let all the bad overshadow the true joy and blessing that you have just been given. I am so thankful she knew that. I am so thankful that she understands these truths.
As I was saying all of this to her, it made me stop to look for the silver linings. There’s always some lesson to be learned in the midst of the hard. Nothing is all bad. Sometimes it takes years to see some of the good that came out of the bad, but there is always something to be learned.
There were a couple silver linings through Cassie’s delivery and recovery. The first being that I figured out how to let Jasmine feed a baby. I don’t know why I didn’t think about this before. As we were doing our usual morning routine with Jasmine, I realized I could lay him down in Jasmine’s bed next to her on her pillow wedges, I could pull her arm over her side and she had enough support to feed him a bottle. It worked because his head was up on the wedge and Jasmine was supported.
Seeing Jasmine in her wheelchair is deceptive. She looks so strong and able sitting there, but that is the illusion of her spinal fusion. The spinal fusion rod in her back keeps her sitting up tall and straight, but Jasmine has no muscle control. If you pick up her arm and let go, it flops to her side. If you were to push her head back, she isn’t able to lift it back up. She isn’t able to move her legs. She has very limited motion and is very weak so holding a baby on her lap and feeding the baby is impossible without help from others, BUT put the baby beside her on the bed and she is able to hold the bottle and look the baby directly in the eyes. It was a beautiful thing to watch. She was just so happy. There was pure joy on her face as she fed him.
The second silver lining was for the rest of the kids. They have asked and begged for a baby in our house. Dan and I have explained that I am too old to get pregnant. That no one is going to let us adopt a baby. The kids have believed all along that some where there is a baby that is ill and that that baby belonged here with us. I told them if God wants that to happen, it will happen, but I am not sure it is likely. I have assured them that we are leaving it in God’s hands.
One day while she was holding Cillian Maisey asked me again, “Why can’t you have a baby mama?” I reminded her that I was old and that I just couldn’t have another baby. When you are 55 years old, you can’t just have a baby because you want to have a baby. Maisey’s response? “Haven’t you read the Bible?” and later when we were talking about it again Maisey reminded me, “God gives babies to old women when they believe.”
Oh boy! I may be in trouble. Me of little faith. hahaha
It has been a blessing for the kids to get to hold Cillian for an extended amount of time. They’ve fed him. They’ve held him. They’ve sang to him. They adore him. It has been a really good thing for them to have him here.
The other good thing that has come out of it is the hard discussions. The “What did I do wrong to be left?” question has been a big one. I can say over and over to them that someone loved them and tried their best and they, themselves, did nothing wrong but until you can see how special a baby is and understand that babies deserve nothing but love, you can’t understand that you, as a baby, did nothing wrong. You have no blame. You didn’t do anything to have caused what happened.
I will be the first to admit that I was judgmental of mothers who left their children before I understood the “whys”. It’s easy to sit in our nice houses and say, “I’d never do that!” It’s easy when you have health insurance. It’s easy to say that when you have money and support. It’s easy to say that before you understand true poverty. It’s easy to say that before you understand what it takes to get surgery for a child in many other countries.
Now that I know. I am no longer judgmental. I have never had to make that very hard decision to give my child up in hopes that they may have surgery. I’ve never had to leave my child alone to go find food. I’ve never had to have my child forego school to dig through garbage so that we would have enough to eat. Life is truly unimaginable for way too many.
One of the other things that has come out of having Cillian here for an extended period of time is the flashbacks that our older girls have had. (This is being told with Jasmine’s permission.) Jasmine had a flashback of her grandmother sitting in front of some “fortune teller” type person who told her grandmother over and over again that what she was about to do was the right thing. This person told Jasmine’s grandmother that Jasmine would go on to be happy. She said Jasmine would have a happy life. Jasmine has been so angry over being left at an orphanage. Her anger towards her grandma has clouded her healing here in our family. See Jasmine’s grandma walked 8 year old Jasmine up the orphanage steps and left Jasmine there with the promise that she would be back for Jasmine. I have told Jasmine over and over again that it doesn’t mean that her grandma didn’t care. I’ve explained to Jasmine that she doesn’t understand the pressure or the issues for the disabled or the lack of understanding or proper medical care without the funds to do it.
But for Jasmine it is hard. She looks at her siblings that were about the same age as her when she was left and she doesn’t understand how anyone can do it. But what do you do when your child is getting worse and worse and you can do nothing. You’ve tried herbal remedies. You’ve taken the child to doctors who say it’s all in your child’s head. You’ve even gone so far as to take a hot poker and burn your child’s leg to “wake up” the muscles as the doctor asked you to do? How desperate do you need to be to do that? What do you do to get your child the medical care they so desperately need? What would you do? How far would you go to ensure your child had care?
Yes, it was horrible that Cassie went through what she did. Believe me when I say she was in horrible pain. To top it all off they couldn’t find the source for a couple days, but in the midst of the sad, there was some good. There was healing at the Ellsbury house in all sorts of ways.
We are praising God for His good and perfect timing. We are praising God for the time we got to spend with one of the chillest, sweetest babies I’ve ever seen. We are praising God for Cassie’s healing and for the absolute gift and blessing that Cillian is. We are praising God who can make GOOD come out of the bad every single time!
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2020
So I have decided that 2020 is the year of seeing clearly. One of the things I was going to do a better job of was blogging every week. I thought Saturday mornings would be the best time. I would wake up early, put my fingers to the keyboard, and be done before anyone else woke up.
How’s that going for me? Well, it’s the 4th Saturday of 2020 and I am just now starting to type. Better late than never, right? 2020 is also the year of exercise (that’s going great), sleeping more (hot flashes aren’t helping that), and being the best me that I can be. 2020 is about implementing everything that I know to be true and finishing all those projects that have sat on hold for the past 8 years as our family found our new normal.
It has been almost 9 years since we started on our international adoption journey. 10 years since Dan came to me, after reading Max Lucado’s book Outlive Your Life and said that he thought we should think about adopting one more time. Our one more time turned into four times of traveling to China and ten children joining our family.
In March, it will be 8 years since Ben and Maisey joined our family. It hardly seems possible that it has been 4 years since our last adoption. What do I know for a fact after all this time? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Ha!
What works for one kid doesn’t work for the other. What encourages one child, won’t encourage the other. When a child has attachment issues, everyone pays. I’m not sure there is any way around that. When everyone else just wants them to be part of the family and they just can’t let themselves do it, no matter how hard they try, hearts are going to hurt! It can’t be avoided.
If you think living in an orphanage is a good thing, you’ve never been more wrong. I don’t know how it could actually work out well for anyone. I can’t believe we, as humans, ever thought that this was a good thing. I mean I get that we want children fed and safe and for them to have a place to lie their heads BUT surely we can’t believe that housing children in an institution is the right thing. It’s easy to throw money at a building especially if it allows you to rid yourself of the guilt of not helping families stay together, or getting the children the medical care they need, or opening your doors yourself. I don’t know much, but I do know we can do better.
But then again, maybe not, agencies are closing their doors to international adoption. All over my Facebook feed, people are sharing the statistics on international adoption, and the numbers aren’t good. Having been in a couple of orphanages, and seeing my Facebook feed filled with stories from all over the world showing the care that other children get in orphanages, I can’t stand it. We aren’t doing enough to protect the children!
WAIT! I stand corrected. There is something I know and can state with utmost certainty. We aren’t doing enough to protect children!
I mean if we have children in the U.S. that are actually put in juvenile delinquency institutions because there aren’t enough homes open to our own foster kids, well then we are NOT doing enough. We are failing the children.
The words people utter matter. The things people do matter. I am parenting children where the emotional issues far outweigh any of the physical issues. I’m not afraid to work hard or to stay busy doing things for my children who need help. BUT the emotional drain of the turmoil caused by verbal and physical abuse from others to your child, takes its toll.
If you have a child, who never owns the words worthless, they will have issues and have lots to work through, but you can see steady progress. But if you have a child who believes all those horrible words said to them and believes that they deserved everything that happened to them, then the path is a lot less clear and progress happens very, very slowly.
If you would have told me years ago that you could have a child, that actually sabotages the good because they feel so much more comfortable in the bad, I would have never believed it. But, unfortunately, it is true. We want to believe that love can fix everything, but sometimes it just isn’t enough. As a mother, it’s the hardest thing for me. To realize that no matter how much I love said child(ren), that may never be enough to undo the harm inflicted by other careless adults.
I do know that the hard is still worth it. That they still deserve me fighting for them and loving them with everything I have. Knowing everything I know now, I would still adopt them. I have never, ever doubted that we did the right thing. I would have changed how I responded. I would have read the books and watched the Karen Purvis videos a whole lot sooner, but I would still adopt. I would have still adopted two at a time, out of age order, and exactly how we did it. I just would have been better prepared. I thought I was prepared, but I was wrong.
I have learned a whole lot about unconditional love these past 8 years. To love, when someone is trying to hurt you with their words, is hard. It’s hard to not take it personally. I have failed at that too many times. It’s hard. That’s all. It’s just hard.
Every morning I wake up and try again. Every morning I play my Christian play list reminding me that “I Want to Be Different” (Micah Tyler) and that I don’t want to miss anything, “The Beautiful Things we Miss” (Matthew West), and that I am just a “Nobody” (Casting Crowns) and that there are no “Mistakes” (Unspoken) that God can’t use for His Glory.
2020 is about fixing what I can and accepting what I can’t. It’s about putting into practice all the things I said I would. Finances, health, family. All great places to start working on just being a little bit more. A little more present. A little more patient. A little more healthy. A little more…
Maybe it’s because I just turned 55 and I can’t believe that much of my life has flown by. Maybe it’s because life has finally started to calm down a little bit. (Knock on wood!) Maybe it’s because the world seems to be just a little bit crazier and it feels like there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know but for whatever reason, 2020 seems like a great year to just work on me, and my little part of the world, being better!
Happy New Year everyone!
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Knowing You Can Do More
In March 2018, I wrote a blog post called Thriving Not Just Surviving. I poured my heart out about why we were moving and what I wanted to happen. It’s one of the best blogs I have ever written and no one will ever read it. Well, my mother-in-law and my grown kids have read it, but that will be it. I can’t post it.
Why?
Because it didn’t come true. I mean we moved but what I planned didn’t happen. The reasons we moved were sound. I did tons and tons of research. I planned who would move to what room. I planned what we would take with us. I reused everything we had and I donated everything we wouldn’t need. We worked hard fixing up our old house to sell and fixing up the new smaller house to move into. My brother and his family were a huge help! We moved one room at a time and went through everything in each and every room.
I was horrified…
At how much stuff we could give away.
How much stuff we really truly didn’t need.
How much stuff we had accumulated over the years.
How much money we had spent collecting this stuff.
I kept thinking about those articles that show people around the world standing with all that they own in their front yards. What would my yard look like? Just google Americans and what they own. There are 1,000’s of articles talking about how we are drowning in stuff. That’s how I felt. I felt like I was drowning in things that didn’t matter. It felt good to purge it. To simplify. So we moved.
BUT then, for many reasons that I won’t go into, we moved back to our old home and none of what I wrote could ever be said.
It’s really strange to say that I feel sad living in a big house. I mean most people would be ecstatic to have 7 bedrooms and 3 baths and an extra 800 feet of living space (an apartment) in the garage. Most people don’t understand how a big, beautiful house could make you sad. I mean isn’t that what we all want?
More.
More house.
More room.
More things.
I used to feel that way, but not any more.
I wanted to spend less money every month so we could give more away. Since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a philanthropist. I have always wanted to anonymously give and do big things. I didn’t want to be famous for it. I just loved the thought of stepping in when people needed something and being God’s hands and feet.
I wanted to stop stressing about a house that I can never seem to make look like the big, beautiful house that it is. It looked beautiful when we didn’t live in it, but it’s stressful trying to make it look put together. I fail daily at that.
13 kids are messy. 4 kids in wheelchairs and 2 kids with severe delays and extreme messy tendencies make for more than I can keep up with. Well, I can’t keep up with making it look like a magazine ad. I will admit that I have always had a bit of OCD when it comes to my house. It’s hard to tell amidst the mess but I like organized. I like a place for everything and everything in it’s place. I really, really like that. I mean really like that! My kids, however, do not share this same passion.
We moved back to the bigger house for many reasons. Reasons that everyone else had. I can agree with most of the reasons but I still dealt with sadness. Sadness that I couldn’t make the smaller house work. Sadness because I felt like my dream died. I feel guilt along with that sadness.
I don’t know what to do with this guilt that I feel. And before anyone starts to comment about guilt, I want you to know that I think we should all have some of this guilt. Even years ago when we were struggling with money, we still had so much. I see that now. Maybe it’s wisdom that comes with age or maybe it’s because Love Without Boundaries has opened my eyes to the need all over the world, but there is such need everywhere. I have so much so how could I not I feel some guilt?
Guilt that I get to live in America where I can order anything I want at any time. Guilt that I can order food at any drive through I want or grab a cart full of whatever pleases me at the local grocery store. Guilt that I own so much that I really don’t need. Guilt that happens when I open up my inbox and read e-mails about trafficked children and children digging through the dump to find plastic to sell to get one meal a day and children who die because they need the simplest of medical care that we take for granted. When I read about mothers walking hours to try to find someone to help their baby or families that sell everything they own trying to get the medical care their child needs. Children who never get to go to school or have to drop out to work when they hit the 3rd grade. Children as young as 6 caring for their younger siblings while their families work. My list could go on and on. I feel guilt because I know the truth.
I don’t deserve any of this. It’s luck of the draw that I was born here, in this time, in this country. Granted Dan worked hard to get through school and it took 15 years of our life to get through schooling and training, I am not downplaying hard work and working for success. I believe in working hard for what you have. I don’t want to take that for granted, but when God gives us much we should do more. That’s what I want to do. MORE!
Here’s what our move has taught me. We can always do more. We made a way for two house payments during all of this. Granted I pushed our budget to the MAX and we had to borrow BUT it showed me there was wiggle room for doing more. We all think we don’t have enough. We all think we will do it later or someone else will do it. But is that true? Why do we hold on so tight to what we have? Why are we so ready to spend our money on things that really don’t matter?
I mean I’m constantly looking at crowdfunding stuff that gets blown out of this world while people are trying to buy the next BIG thing that hasn’t been made yet.
And yet at Love Without Boundaries we share these stories of hurting kids and families in need, and although we have the best supporters,
and this bears repeating…THE VERY BEST SUPPORTERS,
and have had them for a long time, we can’t quite get to the next level. Some children never get funded. Some stories just don’t tug on people’s heartstrings. Some kids just wait. We always seem to find a way to help but still there’s so much need that we have to say no to. Why do kids wait for surgery? Shouldn’t we all be lining up to do the right thing?
To help children who are trafficked.
To help fund a surgery so parents can stay with their child.
To help the mother who needs just a little help to feed her children.
To help a child get schooling so they can get out of this cycle of poverty.
To give someone a hot meal and an encouraging word.
There’s so much to do and yet…
Why does a new fangled watch that needs 100’s of 1,000’s of dollars get funded in 24 hours and a child who needs help sits waiting for someone to step up?
Why?
Why don’t we step up?
Why don’t we want to do more?
My heart is so heavy.
I don’t know what God has planned but my dream that I had last April is gone. I wasn’t going to share my feelings. It’s hard to be uncomfortable. It’s hard to make yourself vulnerable. It’s hard to share your thoughts and your feelings. It’s hard to put yourself out there. It’s easier to stay in our bubble of comfort and pretend that there aren’t hurting people in the world. I saw this post and it helped…
I can’t mess up God’s plan, I’m not that important.
I was bogged down in feeling sad that I couldn’t do what I thought was the right way to do more, but I know God always provides a way. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. God knows the need. He’s the answer, not me. I’m but a small drop in a big ocean. Now I’m just waiting for Him to show me what is next because there’s so much to do and I don’t know where to start.
So much of my life went by while I was striving for the American dream and I realize that it was all a lie. I don’t know why it took so long for my eyes to be opened, but now that they are…
I want to open everyone’s eyes because we are striving for the wrong things. We don’t need 10 blankets if we already have 8 and only use 5. We need to share. We need to comfort others. We need to do more. We need to step up and get out of our comfort zone. Francis Chan said it best…
“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that really don’t matter.”
I don’t want to strive for things that really don’t matter any more. I don’t want to be afraid to speak up worrying about what people will say. I don’t want to be quiet any more.
I guess that’s what has made me the saddest about our move not working. I wanted to be able to say, “See we did with less and you can too.” It’s hard to preach about giving more to people when you live in a big, beautiful house. They look at you and say, “Well, it’s easy for you to give. You have so much.” But I am saying we can all give more.
More of our time.
More of our love.
More of everything.
We can all do that. It’s not necessarily about money. It’s about being there. It’s about being invested. It’s about caring. It’s about sharing something as simple as a smile or an encouraging word. It’s about making life not about you but about others.
Step out of your comfort zone and be the something that someone else needs today. Don’t wait!
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J.J.’s Make A Wish (part 2)
When we started this process, we had heard that wishes can sometimes take a while to be fulfilled. We were prepared to wait for months but everything seemed to just fall into place.
In December we agreed that her physicians could nominate J.J. for a wish. In January we heard that her wish had been granted. At the end of January, Brooke and Marcy visited and went over all the paperwork and figured out what J.J.’s wish was. We had the reveal party on the 14th of February and were prepared to wait until the end of March or so for the install. Imagine our surprise when Anna, from Make-A-Wish, called to ask if they could do the install this week.
A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!
When J.J. decided on her wish we agreed that we would use the sunroom for her playplace. The room has lots of windows and is sunny and bright. It also has a peaked 18 foot ceiling. It’s a narrow room but it’s where the kids love to play. We hired a great guy to put french doors in the two big entry ways leading to the living room and dining room, and to put in a door to close off the back end of the room so it could be a contained space for everyone to safely play.
When we were discussing the plans with Brooke and Marcy, Dan mentioned how much J.J. wishes she could play on the playplaces at restaurants. J.J. is very small and she scoots around on the floor. It’s hard for her when bigger kids are running over her. Her immunosuppression makes everything more difficult too. We try to keep her away from anyone who is sick.
Honestly, unless you meet her in person, it’s hard to even imagine how small she is when she is sitting and scooting. As you can see she’s a tiny girl. I had made this picture when we were trying to show her size to the grant committee. J.J. is 11, Maisey is 8, and Evie is 7 in this picture.
Dan mentioned again how it would be wonderful if we could make something like this happen for her. I couldn’t even let my mind go there. I know that those playplaces are expensive and thought there was no way something that awesome could come true. Dan told me to just see what God has planned for J.J. and not limit what we think they can do.
Imagine my surprise when they sent the original plans.
We taped the dimensions off in the room and showed the kids where it would go. We thought we had a clue.
HOWEVER, we did not…
These two guys have been at our house for three days, patiently answering questions and having little eyes sneak peeks around the corner at them, while they were installing this beast.
I don’t know what to say. We are feeling overwhelmingly blessed.
They made a dream come true for a little girl, who has been through more than any child should ever have to endure, and her very, very, very excited siblings.
The laughter and fun that this will bring to her life is absolutely…
PRICELESS!
No more boring recesses at the Ellsbury home school.
I wish I could share with you the squeals of delight we heard for hours tonight.
Don’t let Max’s face fool you. He had more fun on the playground than anyone else. He ran and ran and ran through the tunnels and down the slide and across the monkey bars. He just never, ever smiles in pictures.
They will all sleep well tonight.
J.J. is beyond thrilled and so very happy.
I think her smile says it all..
Thank you Make A Wish Iowa and Go Play Systems for making our little girl’s dream come true!!!
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Make A Wish J.J. (part 1)
In January 2018, J.J. received a new kidney through a transplant. While J.J. was in the hospital recovering, her doctor informed us that she could be granted a wish from the Make A Wish Foundation.
We gave it much thought, and for many different reasons had decided not to proceed with the wish. Every month or so we would have an appointment and they would ask us if we had considered J.J. getting a wish. We would politely say that we didn’t wish to proceed. One day J.J.’s doctor asked us why we weren’t proceeding with the wish. We told her our reasons and she simply said, “It isn’t about the gift as much as it’s about making J.J. feel special.” Her doctor then asked, “Doesn’t J.J. deserve to feel extra special with all that she’s been through? If you feel guilty about the cost, just donate it back to Make A Wish at a later date.”
We went home and thought about it some more. We weren’t even sure J.J. would understand what being granted a wish meant. We didn’t try to explain Make A Wish (MAW) to J.J. but we did ask her what she would do if she could have any wish she wanted. Her answers were so sweet, but we couldn’t make any of them come true. I wrote about this conversation on Facebook. Here is that post from October 2018.
When I put the kids to bed at night I like to ask a random question just to hear everyone’s thoughts. Tonight I asked Maisey, Evie, JJ, Elyse and Grace the question “What would you wish for?”
Elyse – No more orphanages.
J.J. – A family for every kid.
Maisey – No more mean people.
Evie – I would wish to be a genie so I could make everyone happy.
Me – No, I mean a wish you could actually make happen.
Elyse – To Travel the world and save a million souls.
JJ – No more stealing little girls.
Elyse – Yes, no more slavery of any kind.
JJ – To adopt a baby.
Evie – To have a pet zebra that I could hug every day.
Maisey – To be tiny so I could ride a butterfly.
Me – Does anyone have any wish that could actually come true?
Elyse – An underground playplace where Grace and I can secretly hang with our friends.
Me – That’s a little closer to something that could actually happen.
Maisey – I am gonna be a ninja.
Evie – I am just gonna make people happy myself I guess.
Grace – A car would be nice. I can drive in 3 years.
JJ – But mama I don’t need anything.Over the next month we would randomly talk about wishes. I explained to Grace what was going on and she would just say to J.J., “No, a wish that could come true. You know like when I wished for a car.”
In December her team at the hospital informed us that if we were going to do a wish, then we would have to proceed soon. J.J. needed to be nominated within the first year of her transplant and we were fast approaching the one year mark on January 1st. We decided to let them nominate J.J. and see if she would even be granted a wish.
After we received the letter granting J.J.’s wish, we decided to be honest with J.J. and ask her about specific wishes. Make A Wish sends out a book and paperwork that you can ask the child questions about. We asked her about celebrities she wanted to meet – there weren’t any. We asked her about traveling – she said, “I’ve already been to Disney. I didn’t like it very much.” We asked her to consider if there was anything that she could think of that she really wanted. It could be a big wish. She just had to let us know and she could draw a picture if she wanted to.
She came to us first asking about helping orphans. We told her that we loved her heart but this needed to be a wish that could be granted and that we, as a family, would always do what we could to help orphans.
She came back to us with the idea for an indoor playground. She drew out her pictures and told us what she wanted and why she wanted it.
REASONS WHY SHE WANTS AN INDOOR PLAYPLACE:
- Big play places have big kids that run her over and scare her.
- She is supposed to try to not get sick.
- Her brothers and sisters would love it.
- She wants to surprise her brothers & sisters.
- It’s cold like half the time here.
- She likes to play with her brothers & sisters.
WHAT SHE WOULD LIKE IT TO HAVE:
- Low monkey bars that her and Elyse can do.
- Rock climbing wall with one of those soft things you can fall on for Maisey.
- A swing.
- A lookout tower to see the tall windows.
- A slide.
- Tiny play house
Her request was just so sweet and well thought out. It was hard to say no after that. Dan and I thought long and hard and decided to let her have her dream. Well, honestly it didn’t take long to make the decision after seeing her sweet face excitedly tell us all about her plans.
The best part of all of this is that she wanted it to be a surprise. She has been so cute keeping her secret. I have to admit that it has been almost as much fun watching her plan her secret as when she was granted the wish. Brooke and Marcy, volunteers with MAW, came out to our house to ask J.J. questions. J.J. told them what she wanted and why she wanted it and they were so excited for her. My favorite part of them asking her questions was her answer to how do you see your wish playing out? J.J.’s answer was so sweet. She said she could see her brothers and sisters saying, “Wow J.J.! You are really good at keeping secrets. This is amazing! You are the best!” She could hardly contain her excitement.
Brooke and Marcy told her that they were unsure if they could make that wish come true but that they would really try hard. It wasn’t a wish that they had ever had before. They asked her for a second option in case they couldn’t make the first wish come true. J.J.’s request for her second wish was to adopt a baby. Brooke and Marcy told her that they couldn’t make the second wish come true. They asked her if there was anything else and J.J. told them no.
Marcy and Brooke talked to J.J. about what they would do when they told her siblings. They came up with a plan to have a reveal party so that J.J. could surprise her brothers and sisters with the plans. Marcy and Brooke asked her if she wanted a pizza party, or cake, or cookies? J.J. asked if she could have a Slim Jim and Pepsi party. That was a first for them I think. lol
What can I say the girl really likes Slim Jims…
We had been told that wishes can take a long time to be planned. That they would let us know when they heard anything. We were so surprised when just a few weeks later MAW called and said that they found a company willing to work with them and they had a plan they were sending our way. It was amazing! We couldn’t wait to show J.J.
Marcy and Brooke emailed and said that we could have a reveal party. I told them our son and family would be home from Wisconsin next weekend and asked them if that was too soon to have the party. They were beyond kind and agreed to having a party on very short notice. We decided not to tell J.J. about the party so that she could be surprised too. We would have her play down in the basement with her siblings and then Grace, who was in on the secret, would bring her up and we would surprise J.J. and then we would bring up everyone else and she could surprise them. Marcy came up with a great idea where everyone got an envelope and inside the envelope was a picture of the playground. J.J. had them hand out the envelopes and then she counted to three and had them open the envelopes.
In hindsight I realize that we probably shouldn’t have surprised her. She needs time to adjust to things. I remember when we gave her her first wheelchair. She sat in the chair and cried for an hour because she was so overwhelmed with the gift.
She was very quiet during her party. She was happy but I could tell something wasn’t quite right. After it was all said and done I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she was just so happy that she was having a hard time not crying and she didn’t want Marcy and Brooke to see her tears and think she didn’t like her party.
So now we wait for the very special date when they will install her playground. We have heard that it could be as soon as next month. I still can’t believe this is happening but this is one gift that will be used over and over again. In the plans, J.J. got her low-to-the-ground monkey bars, a covered slide, and a tunnel to hide out in.
J.J. picked the perfect gift. She has such a sweet heart. Dan and I LOVE the way she included everyone in her idea. I can’t wait to watch them play and hear their laughter while they enjoy J.J.’s gift. We are going to call it “J’s Play Place” so everyone remembers to be thankful to their sister who included them in her dream.
Thank you Make-A-Wish Iowa for making one very special little girl’s dream come true.
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National Sibling Day
Once upon a time I wanted a very large family. I thought 12 kids would be so much fun. I’m not sure I ever told Dan this when we were dating. I probably figured I would scare him away.
Our first two babies were such an exciting time. Dan and I found out we were having twins. All was right with the world. We were over the moon excited
And then life happened…
Codey – 2 pounds 7 ounces
3 pounds 8 ounces – Kyle
And then the world just seemed to stop as we buried Kyle and spent 14 months in the hospital with Codey.
I absolutely guarantee you I was NEVER going to get pregnant again.
But God had different and much better plans.
We found out we were expecting when we were still in the hospital with Codey.
What a gracious and good God we have. Zach was such a wonderful sibling for Codey.
Playing with Zach!
And I was done!
But then Dan said, “You’ve always wanted a little girl, Lisa.” And I started to dream…
And we had sweet Cassie and our family was complete.
But then Dan heard about a little girl who needed a family and we decided to proceed with Hope’s adoption.
And our family seemed complete again.
I’m seeing a pattern here…
And
And then came baby Gracie.
And once again our family was complete.
Until Dan thought we should adopt again and after my reluctant foot dragging, I agreed.
And then we adopted Ben and Maisey…
And we knew that we were done growing our family.
But after seeing all the little hearts waiting for families, we knew our family was not complete.
So we added Jasmine, Lainey, Evie and Eli.
This brought our children to that magic number 12. We were so happy
and said we were SO done.
Until we set out to adopt another older girl because Jasmine dreamed we could do more.
And Max and Elyse joined our family.
The magic number 14. 2 sets of 7 and 7 means completion, perfection.
We were done!
But God and Elyse and Gracie had different plans.
Liam and JJ brought us to number 16.
15 children here on earth who get to care for each other, pray for each other, play with each other.
We try hard to cultivate a feeling of belonging and connection. We want them to have a safe place to grow and learn and find out who they are and what their purpose is.
Praying that they are always there for each other no matter what.
I know I won’t always be around but I love the fact that they will always have each other.
Happy National Sibling Day!
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The Year of the Dog
Our children love to celebrate Lunar New Year, which is the Chinese New Year! We make all their favorites – chicken feet, steamed buns, potstickers, rice, noodles, and many other spicy dishes. They look forward to this holiday and it is fun decorating our house and learning more about their birth country.
This year is the “Year of the Dog” and our family set out to do it right. Ok, not really, none of this was really planned. Here is how the story played out.
This past fall we set out to get a puppy. One of our older dogs had a stroke and we had to let him go. Everyone was sad that Sammi was gone. Snickers, our other eight year old dog, seemed very sad and alone. Snickers is a cockapoo and one of the best dogs around. Dan and I had never been big fans of indoor or small dogs, but Snickers won us over. We initially got him for Hope when she was about 12. We had hoped that as she entered her teenage years she would come to understand what it meant to care for something else and be responsible for the care of this animal.
Snickers and Hope have a sweet bond. Snickers is seriously the best dog. He knows who needs hugs. He knows who is getting sick. You can always find him sleeping next to the person who needs him most. So when we set out to get another puppy we looked for a cockapoo and hoped for find one with the same personality as Snickers. We found this sweet puppy and fell in love.
She is a blue merle cockapoo puppy that is bouncy and ready to please everyone. Gracie is who she has bonded with and Max and Lainey help to care for this sweet, smart puppy.
As we were deciding to purchase Doodle, Dan asked if J.J. could hold the little white teddy bear puppy. The teddy bear puppy climbed on J.J.’s lap, licked J.J.’s face a couple of times and fell asleep in J.J.’s arms. Suddenly it looked as though we were purchasing two puppies. I mean how do you say no to this?
Lily is her name and she is a sweet, little puppy.
Evie Faith and J.J. take care of Lily and make sure she gets lots and lots of love.
After being home for a few days, we noticed that Doodle was going to Gracie and Lily was definitely J.J.’s puppy which left Elyse, who also shared a room with the girls, without a puppy. Dan and I watched Elyse and could tell she was feeling left out even though she never said anything. Dan started searching for another puppy. I mean at this point one more puppy wasn’t going to make a lot of difference. Right? Hahaha
Dan brought up the idea of another puppy. Elyse was talking about how she loves golden doodles and she loves their curly, apricot hair. Elyse is very active and loves to go fast in her wheelchair. We knew Elyse needed a puppy that was playful and could keep up with her. Dan found this pretty little girl and we made plans to go get her.
Elyse named her puppy Noodle. Maisey and Elyse love Noodle, who is very laid back and eager to please.
While I was looking at the site, I noticed there was one more puppy available. The little brother to Noodle. I asked the owner about him and she said there were a couple of people trying to decide if he was the right puppy for them. I loved his sweet face. The owner told me about his sweet disposition. She even mentioned that he would make a great therapy puppy. I tried to talk Elyse into getting this little guy but she was set on her puppy. I guess I looked like I needed a puppy too because Dan told me to tell the owner that we would take both puppies.
So now I have a puppy too. His name is Paladin and everyone loves him. He is mellower than mellow. He truly is such a sweet puppy. He is just the right puppy for Jasmine to hold on her lap. She isn’t able to hang on to much, but he is so chill he just calmly sits on her lap.
Ben and Liam help in caring for Paladin. The truth is everyone LOVES Pali. He’s just a sweet puppy.
While we were picking up Paladin and Noodle we noticed a little beagle puppy that the owner was holding. She said this beagle pup was the runt of the litter and they had to keep him separated. I told Dan to hold the puppy but he refused. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to say “No” to this face if he actually held the puppy. We already had four puppies and we certainly didn’t need anymore.
But as you can see that didn’t last long…
Dan has wanted a beagle puppy since he was little. Hope started talking about having a puppy too and how she would take care of it. We were worried about the puppy getting along with the other dogs and whether he would be a howler or not. We talked to the owner and she said that this puppy was sweet and was known to whine for attention but wasn’t a big howler. Hope convinced Dan that if the puppy didn’t get along with the others that she would take him to her apartment when she moved out in May.
And Ripley came home with us the next week. Hope and Eli LOVE their beagle pup.
All the puppies get along great. Someone asked how we get children and puppies to get along. I wish I had some great advice, but I don’t. It just seems to happen.
Here is how they sleep.
The puppies have brought a little more chaos into the home but a whole lot more love too. Watching the kids and puppies play together is so dang cute. They chase each other in circles around the house. The puppies even snuggle up next to Lainey and give her some love.
The puppies hang out with the kids during school time.
And they even like to go for rides in the bus.
Our puppies certainly give new meaning to the “Year of the Dog” but all in all it’s been a wonderful adventure and I wouldn’t change a thing. Five puppies isn’t really as crazy as it seems when there is this much love to go around.
Happy New Year everyone!
May peace and love fill your heart, beauty fill your world, and contentment and joy fill your days!
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It’s Cute How I Think I’m in Control
I have always had an issue with control. Bad things happened to me as a kid and I thought I could control it by keeping everything around me “just so”. Rooms had to be cleaned in a specific order before I went to bed. Lights could only be turned off in certain order. It wasn’t really OCD, I could not do it, but I just needed to feel as if I had some semblance of control.
I let go of most of that when Codey and Kyle were born. There’s nothing better to make you put things in perspective and to let you know you have no control then having your children born 12 weeks early. Kyle’s death and Codey’s subsequent 14 months in the hospital were a constant reminder that I was not in control. I learned very quickly what was important and it was no longer the order in which I cleaned a room or whether or not everything was put back where it belonged.
On this journey, I have learned how to trust God and turn it all over to Him time and time again. But that hasn’t really stopped me from thinking that if I work hard enough I can control my little corner of the world.
December 30 and 31st of 2017 found me making plans and lots and lots of lists. I cleaned out the kitchen. I got rid of anything that I hadn’t used in a year. I put together two storage cubbies with wheels so I could put my rice cooker, pressure cooker and other gadgets on so they weren’t on my counters. My counters were going to look like a magazine – a minimalist magazine. My counters were no longer going to look as if 13 small children still lived in my home. My cupboards were going to be organized. There was going to be a place for everything and everything in it’s place. I was once and for all going to get it together.
I typed up my exercise plan. I worked out my Keto diet which I had lost weight on and had mostly stopped over the holidays. I made my grocery list. I looked up a few more recipes. 2018 and was going to be fabulous. I was going to rock this. I had already proven I could lose weight on this plan so instead of beating myself up over not losing all 60 in one year, I was going to dust myself off, congratulate myself on the first half gone, and move on to the last half. That weight didn’t stand a chance.
I made my list of the rooms to clean and what needed to be done in each room. I picked a room to do during each and every day of the first week of January. I was NOT going to wait for spring to spring clean. I was going to do it now so when we started school again, everything was going to run like clockwork. I was already so proud of myself. Look at these lists. I had thought of everything.
I wrote my resolution list on the kitchen window. I have found that I spend a lot of time at that window. During the past two months I had used a wet erase marker and wrote the things I needed to see during the day for encouragement. It already said 90 days without pop and listed my 27 pound weight loss. Now it was going to say: Less cussing, stick to a budget, lose 30 more pounds, and give more.
I wanted to be a better person. I want to live more frugally so that we can give more away. Our work with Love Without Boundaries has shown me over and over again what it is like to live in a third world country and what so many people go through. My heart breaks and I know for a fact that our family can do more and this was the year to do it.
Dude I was rocking this. It wasn’t even the first and I had the first room done. My counters sparkled. Everything had a place. I had gone through all my cupboards. I was the donation, recycling, garbage master.
But then January 1st came. I slept in so I was well rested. Heck, I might even do two rooms today, that’s how good I was feeling. I was ready to go. The kids knew the plan. We were going to do a room a day and be completely organized. They were ready. I was ready.
And then we got the call.
Would you accept this kidney for Jessica?
And again I learned who cares if the house is spotless? Who cares if I’m completely organized? Who cares if I don’t have it all together? Who cares about lists? Who cares?
J.J. has a chance at new health. J.J. has a chance to not only grow but to maybe grow old.
What a gift.
It makes me wonder if God was watching me frantically typing out my lists over the weekend, so proud of myself. Look what I am going to do. Look what I am going to accomplish. Saying to himself, “Oh sweet child, you have no idea. Do you think He turns to the angel next to him and says, “It’s so cute how she thinks she’s in control isn’t it?”
So technically none of my list got done. You could even say I failed cause I cussed when they called, I spent money not in our budget while we were in the hospital and I gained two pounds. Technically I messed up 3 of the 4 resolutions all ready. I had better find my checkbook quick.
But oh how good God is. I’m pretty sure it was me who said, “I think I’ve already learned this lesson.”, but maybe just maybe I still have a ways to go. Good thing God is patient and extends lots and lots of grace.
2018 is going to be an incredible year and it has absolutely nothing to do with what I will accomplish and everything to do with what He has already done!
I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. Psalm 104:33
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