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It’s Cute How I Think I’m in Control
I have always had an issue with control. Bad things happened to me as a kid and I thought I could control it by keeping everything around me “just so”. Rooms had to be cleaned in a specific order before I went to bed. Lights could only be turned off in certain order. It wasn’t really OCD, I could not do it, but I just needed to feel as if I had some semblance of control.
I let go of most of that when Codey and Kyle were born. There’s nothing better to make you put things in perspective and to let you know you have no control then having your children born 12 weeks early. Kyle’s death and Codey’s subsequent 14 months in the hospital were a constant reminder that I was not in control. I learned very quickly what was important and it was no longer the order in which I cleaned a room or whether or not everything was put back where it belonged.
On this journey, I have learned how to trust God and turn it all over to Him time and time again. But that hasn’t really stopped me from thinking that if I work hard enough I can control my little corner of the world.
December 30 and 31st of 2017 found me making plans and lots and lots of lists. I cleaned out the kitchen. I got rid of anything that I hadn’t used in a year. I put together two storage cubbies with wheels so I could put my rice cooker, pressure cooker and other gadgets on so they weren’t on my counters. My counters were going to look like a magazine – a minimalist magazine. My counters were no longer going to look as if 13 small children still lived in my home. My cupboards were going to be organized. There was going to be a place for everything and everything in it’s place. I was once and for all going to get it together.
I typed up my exercise plan. I worked out my Keto diet which I had lost weight on and had mostly stopped over the holidays. I made my grocery list. I looked up a few more recipes. 2018 and was going to be fabulous. I was going to rock this. I had already proven I could lose weight on this plan so instead of beating myself up over not losing all 60 in one year, I was going to dust myself off, congratulate myself on the first half gone, and move on to the last half. That weight didn’t stand a chance.
I made my list of the rooms to clean and what needed to be done in each room. I picked a room to do during each and every day of the first week of January. I was NOT going to wait for spring to spring clean. I was going to do it now so when we started school again, everything was going to run like clockwork. I was already so proud of myself. Look at these lists. I had thought of everything.
I wrote my resolution list on the kitchen window. I have found that I spend a lot of time at that window. During the past two months I had used a wet erase marker and wrote the things I needed to see during the day for encouragement. It already said 90 days without pop and listed my 27 pound weight loss. Now it was going to say: Less cussing, stick to a budget, lose 30 more pounds, and give more.
I wanted to be a better person. I want to live more frugally so that we can give more away. Our work with Love Without Boundaries has shown me over and over again what it is like to live in a third world country and what so many people go through. My heart breaks and I know for a fact that our family can do more and this was the year to do it.
Dude I was rocking this. It wasn’t even the first and I had the first room done. My counters sparkled. Everything had a place. I had gone through all my cupboards. I was the donation, recycling, garbage master.
But then January 1st came. I slept in so I was well rested. Heck, I might even do two rooms today, that’s how good I was feeling. I was ready to go. The kids knew the plan. We were going to do a room a day and be completely organized. They were ready. I was ready.
And then we got the call.
Would you accept this kidney for Jessica?
And again I learned who cares if the house is spotless? Who cares if I’m completely organized? Who cares if I don’t have it all together? Who cares about lists? Who cares?
J.J. has a chance at new health. J.J. has a chance to not only grow but to maybe grow old.
What a gift.
It makes me wonder if God was watching me frantically typing out my lists over the weekend, so proud of myself. Look what I am going to do. Look what I am going to accomplish. Saying to himself, “Oh sweet child, you have no idea. Do you think He turns to the angel next to him and says, “It’s so cute how she thinks she’s in control isn’t it?”
So technically none of my list got done. You could even say I failed cause I cussed when they called, I spent money not in our budget while we were in the hospital and I gained two pounds. Technically I messed up 3 of the 4 resolutions all ready. I had better find my checkbook quick.
But oh how good God is. I’m pretty sure it was me who said, “I think I’ve already learned this lesson.”, but maybe just maybe I still have a ways to go. Good thing God is patient and extends lots and lots of grace.
2018 is going to be an incredible year and it has absolutely nothing to do with what I will accomplish and everything to do with what He has already done!
I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. Psalm 104:33
