Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category
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Some days
Some days I can pretend everything is all right
and some days I can’t.
There are lots of factors that contribute to some days being harder than others.
Lack of sleep.
That certain time of the month.
Hearing about other children who have lost their battles.
Reading a mama’s blog where she talks about this battle.
Being added to a new Facebook group of mama’s who have lost children.
Feeling like maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was.
This little face looks up at me….
and my heart breaks.
It breaks because it took so damn long to get her here.
Time wasted while paperwork was filed and mailed and authenticated.
An abandoned baby, left alone.
In a place no baby should be left.
Time was wasted when I could have held her.
Time was wasted when I could have loved her more.
Time was wasted that I can never, ever get back.
This little girl who is so very sick.
Who wants me to hold her all day long.
She laughs and smiles with that huge smile.
And I try not to think about her being alone.
But it is hard…
I mean how can you not think about those nights she cried alone,
and no one wiped her tears.
Those times she was scared,
and no one came.
Those times when she was sick,
and no one rocked her through the night.
Sometimes I can pretend everything is all right,
but when I hold her little hands, I know the truth….
She is very, very sick.
She is wonderful,
and bright,
and funny,
and so unbelievable sweet,
she smiles all the time,
and she can barely talk,
but she looks up at me with those big brown eyes
and says, “Mama!”
“Wuv you.”
It’s only been two months.
Two short months since she was placed in my arms.
But I’ve loved her for longer, since I first saw her face.
Forever it seems.
She says those words and my heart overflows with love for her.
As we sat in church today,
I prayed and thanked God for her again.
As she tapped me on the chest and said “Mama!”
Over and over again she said, “Mama!”
I know I should have told her to stop,
but she has had so many days when she couldn’t say mama
because she didn’t have a mama
and there will be so many days
when I will no longer be able to hear the word mama come from her sweet little lips.
So I let her say it
over and over and over again
as she shook her little head “yes”.
I am so happy that I get to be her mama.
What a blessing.
What a joy.
What an honor beyond any honor.
I want to shout it from the rooftop.
“I am Evie’s mama!!!!!”
I am proud to say that.
She is a treasure.
Worth every tear that will fall.
It hurts my heart sometimes, but….
truth-be-told I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I want to be strong for her.
I want to be here for her.
I want to live in the moment for her.
But it hurts
and I know it’s going to hurt even more
someday.
Some days I can pretend that everything is ok,
but today is just not one of those days…..
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30 days to a better me
Hard times and deep truths often come together. If you want the latter, you must be willing to make it through the former. – unknown
30 days ago today, our family went from 10 to 14. 30 days ago today, I thought I had been through hard and could handle anything. 30 days ago, I thought I had it all figured out. 30 days ago, I thought my faith was secure. 30 days ago, I knew what God was asking of me and I was ready to proceed with this grand adventure. 30 days ago I was so sure that I could handle anything. 30 days ago – oh man, was I was clueless!
We showed up the day after Mother’s Day, ready to receive three more blessings. My blessings would then total 12. My childhood dream of having 12 children was about to come true. I was happy. I was nervous. I was feeling so blessed. I knew two of these blessings had complex heart defects. I knew Lainey had PKU and there was bound to be issues with her feedings. We were prepared as we could be….at least that is what I thought.
But 24 hours later, I was questioning everything. How could God bring me to this. This was not just hard, but realllllyyyyyyy hard? I was already doing my best with a life that was hard at home. Not so much hard, but complicated. I have children with complex medical conditions. I have a busy household already. I do g.t. feedings and oral feedings, medications, and lots of appointments, on top of homeschooling and all my usual mommy chores. How in the world were we going to do any of this?
All I could see in that first 24 hours was the hard. The fits, the crying, the whining, the refusing to eat, the not sleeping, the more complex diagnoses and the fear. Fear was a very real emotion during those first few days. How were we going to handle this? Before we traveled, I was so sure that we could handle it. But now I doubted everything.
Well not everything, I still believed with all my heart that God brought me to these children. These were my children. But I doubted me. Maybe that is why this happened. I mother pretty well. I mother people who don’t want to be mothered. I have been known to mother my grown children’s friends. It’s just in my genetic code. It is who I am. When others dreamed of being doctors, nurses, and teachers, I dreamed of being a mom. I have always believed in my ability to mother. I don’t do everything right, but I have what I believe to be the most important aspects of mothering and I do those to the best of my abilities. I believe God brought me, once again, to that place of being so overwhelmed that I knew there was no way in the world I could do this, which placed all that we were doing, even more so, at the base of the throne of my Lord. Only through Him would we ever be able to do this. Only with Him would I be able to survive.
So 30 days later, I praise a God with a plan that is so much bigger and better than mine. I give all glory to Him and the previous year that brought us to our blessings. Our wonderful, unbelievable blessings that have made so much progress in just 30 days.
Evie’s prognosis may not have been what we had hoped, but we have not given up hope. In 30 days, this little girl has gone from not being able to sit by herself to crawling across the floor at lightning speed. She is so happy and so loving. She is so very beautiful with her big brown eyes. She is very blue still with O2 sats in the mid 50’s and low 60’s,but she has already put on four pounds. This is what a little love and a little food will do for you.
30 days later, and this handsome little guy has become Mr. Charming. He was withdrawn, whiny, and refused to eat for days, but now he is so sweet and loving and there isn’t a food he doesn’t like. He is thoughtful and takes care of his sisters. He is the perfect little guy to end our family. (Although, Gracie did tell me last night that she wished she could hypnotize me so I would forget how many children we had so we could adopt again.) 🙂
Shuang Shuang’s smile lights up our house throughout the day. She laughs, and teases, and is the best big sister. She holds the kids. They climb all over her wheelchair. She even reads to them. She has been so trusting from day one. We have been so moved by all the people who have had their lives touched by her. We have received letters and e-mails. She received an American Girl doll with a wheelchair from her new pen pals. She received a birthday present from Spain from a family that had sponsored her while she was in the orphanage. It has been so moving and we have made new friends. Her diagnosis was not what we had planned on and her future won’t contain the healing surgery we hoped for, but we are blessed to have had her join our family.
Which brings us to little Lainey, she was so very sad those first 48 hours. She broke my heart and I wondered if I would ever be able to reach her. Would she ever be happy? Would she always be in her own little world? Would this angry, crying, temper tantrum throwing be all that there was? 30 days later and we see a girl who smiles most of the day. She runs up to all her siblings and loves to chase Codey. She loves to climb up in your lap and sit. She plays and she laughs and she is truly happy. There are still a few outbursts, but they are few and far between and most of them involve wanting her bottle. She is not magically cured and she still spends a lot of time in her own little world, but there are moments of eye contact with meaning. There is purposeful play. She runs up and hugs people and kisses them. She loves to cuddle on your shoulder.
30 days have brought so many changes to our family. I thought there was no way that I would be able to do any of the usual things that I did with the kids, but….
This is what we look like going shopping.
This is what we look like swimming.
This is what we look like hanging at home.
This is what we look like in our car.
We can’t all fit in one or even two of our cars, which is why we had to buy a bus….
Which made Benjamin very, very happy!
30 days later and although my house is messier and I am definitely more tired, I have had the privilege of watching little ones bloom. What a miracle to get to be a part of. 30 days later and I trust God even more. 30 days later and I realize that I set my goals too small. I believe that I can’t when God knows that I can with His help. We are still getting used to our new normal. We are still trying to figure out how to run our days as smoothly as we can. But 30 days later, I have been kissed more, hugged more and loved more than I ever believed possible. I have heard more laughter and have had more love showered on me than any mama deserves. 30 days later is a very good place to be.
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Susanna’s Legacy
Tonight on the Tiny Green Elephants Facebook page that I read, she talks about a child that had passed away. You can read the blog about Susanna here. The Road to Peacefield
Tonight, when I could be sleeping, I sit here at my computer with tears running down my face. The house is quiet. I hear the breathing of many little souls coming from the other room. I am blessed. I am comforted that I got these children home, but the truth is there are many, many children who are alone right now through no fault of their own.
Children die every day, all around the world, for every conceivable reason. They are abducted, they are casualties of war, they die of starvation, they die at the hands of their parents, they die from unclean water, they die from mosquito bites, and they die alone in orphanages. How can we just go on living like nothing is happening? How can we not be moved when a life is ended much too soon? Is it such an overwhelming problem that we believe there is nothing we can do? Is it because it isn’t right there in front of us, that we are allowed to pretend it isn’t happening? I know if a child was standing in front of a runaway car, you’d try to save them. So why are so many young lives being lost and we just go about our days? A life lost, much too soon, should always be mourned, and we should be left wondering if there was something more that we could have done.
I cried tears when I saw Susanna’s face. Her story touched my heart because I have a son with hydrocephalus. It’s not something I have to google to try to understand. I get it! I understand what it takes to treat a child with hydrocephalus. I understand the infections, the hospital stays, the shunts, the frustration. I understand the pain and the headaches. But look at that picture, look at her face. She is giggling. She is happy and all she wanted was a family. She spent six years lying in a crib. Six years…..2,190 days and yet she smiles.
I have spent this past year praising God for all He has done to make our adoptions come together. I still give God all the praise, but it is hard for me when I watch these parents who want the same thing we wanted. They wanted to bring this child home, to help them, to love them for as long as they were given the gift. So why weren’t their prayers answered? Why didn’t Susanna get to come home? Why did God choose to call her home to Him first? What will her story change? Who will be moved because of Susanna’s life? Her life was not in vain. Her life has worth. I believe this with my whole being.
After Kyle died, people said all sorts of things to me. “Maybe God knew you couldn’t handle both of them being sick at the same time.” “It’s better that he died with all his special needs.” At the same time I was grieving, wonderful things happened for others. They talked about praying and having their prayers answered. I wondered “Weren’t my prayers good enough?” “Did I somehow offend God?” “Am I really not as faithful or as good a Christian as I thought I was?” “Why didn’t God answer my prayers?”
Twenty-six years later, I can see a smattering of the ways Kyle changed our lives. I can see how Kyle’s life changed Dan and made him a better doctor. I know for a fact that Kyle’s death lead us to the seven little ones that we adopted. I know for a fact that Kyle’s death took away my fear of dying and made me want to live a life of purpose. He lived a mere five days and accomplished that.
When I look at this situation, with my limited understanding, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around it all. I don’t understand why babies die in utero. I don’t understand why people who could care less if they have a child, have a healthy one and others who want nothing more than to have a child, can’t. I don’t understand why babies get sick. I don’t understand why any of this is allowed to happen.
I could go into the whole fallen world issue. I know that man has free will and we chose what we do. I know on the other side of it, God placed us here to do His work. I know that there are many reasons why things happen and I can’t possible see the ramifications of them all. I know that all things work together for good. I know God’s plan is perfect and He is a just God. I know that someday I will see all the threads of these children’s tapestries and will be absolutely amazed by the lives that they have touched.
But that doesn’t end the pain for the mamas that I know who have lost their babies this past week. It doesn’t take away from the pain that the William’s family is feeling because they never got a chance to bring Susanna home. Believe me when you proceed with the adoption of a child God has called you to, that IS your child. You would do anything you could for that child. And tonight because of bureaucracy and paperwork, they ran out of time and weren’t allowed the most precious gift of being able to bring her home.
Susanna is in her eternal home now and she knows how much she was loved. She knows how hard they fought for her. She knows how many prayers were said by others on her behalf. She sees what her life has done. She is blessed and she is well and she is home!
But the Williams’ will still be grieving the loss of dreams. Please cover them and other families who have lost a child with your prayers. I hope Susanna’s life makes you pay attention to what is going on around you. I hope that it makes you want to step up and do whatever you can do to help others adopt. Encourage, support, uplift others. You don’t have to adopt to make a difference. There are so many ways to help. You can buy a mosquito net through World Vision, support a group that is fighting sex trafficking, have your church dig a well, fed a family in your neighborhood. Step up. Do something. Remember Susanna and do something in her honor. Share her story and the other children’s stories just like her who are waiting. They deserve a family. They have worth and they have weight in this world. You can make a difference for one. Be that difference!
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Thoughts rolling around in my head (part 2)
It’s 4:24 a.m. Another night without sleep. Another night with babies crying but not at the same time. Another night left alone with my thoughts. I have been thinking today about clarifying my part 1 post. If you ask my children they will tell you that the two words I use a lot are “seriously” and “clarify”. It’s become a joke in our house that they will find a way to use those words on my headstone. Who knows why I use the word seriously? I don’t. It became part of my blog name because I truly do feel blessed and I was trying to find a word to describe how blessed I feel. The kids were coming up with all sorts of funny names using the word seriously but I wanted a name that said how I truly feel about my life so we combined the blessed with the humorous – a true description of our lives.
Dan is funny. His sarcastic wit is quick. He makes me laugh all the time. We laugh and joke in our house a lot. I realized, while we were in China, just how much I smile. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy for smiling so I tried not to smile at people. It wasn’t a feeling that I truly liked. Then I decided since everyone was taking our pictures, left and right, that I should just keep on smiling so I could try to look good for the pictures. It was a hard thing to do. I hate having my picture taken by people I love. People with ulterior motives were hard to keep smiling for. Dan constantly reminded me that “all things work together for good” and that even if someone took our picture for the wrong reasons, it may be seen by someone who would be touched for the right reasons. I do love that man’s perspective. He constantly reminds me to keep my eyes on the Lord and the bigger picture.
How we act and what we do has a huge impact on others. One of the statements that stuck with me, from someone we dealt with on the trip, was this…. “The unconditional love from the family really shocked me and gave me one big lesson.” Those words came to us from a second party who thought we should know. It came to us at just the right time, because Dan and I had both been wondering if people could really see our love for these four children. We wondered does your love of the Lord come across even when you aren’t preaching it? Can people see that you are doing it for the right reasons? For all of those laughing at us, judging us and believing we are crazy, are there those who are turned towards the Lord? Are there those who say “Could I be doing more?” “Is adoption right for me?” That is what I want people to take away from my blog. I hope they can truly see what a beautiful thing adoption is and even if it’s not what they are called to do, that they can help in many other ways. We set out to adopt because we were being obedient to God’s calling. We didn’t set out for any ulterior motives. We were just following the Lord’s call. He kept setting things in front of us and we would say “Really Lord?” and then proceed. Because, time and time again, His blessings, that came from what others might call burdens, were so immeasurable. How could we not follow that lead?
Which brings me back to my other word, clarify. I clarify a lot. If I think someone may have misunderstood what I said or took it in the wrong way, I make sure that I clarify. Words are very, very powerful things. Matthew 12:37 ESV For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” I realized after I wrote the first part that it may have sounded like I was comparing what we went through to the other parents. I was in no way doing that. I don’t know anything about the other parents who decided to leave that little nine-year-old girl there. I don’t know what they were thinking or where there hearts were. I truly believe in the saying “You don’t know where someone else is coming from until you walk a mile in their shoes”. I won’t compare my story to theirs. We all make our own decisions based on what we believe to be the right thing. The good news is that I heard from a friend on Facebook that she heard from another friend that this little girl does have another family who wants her. Let’s pray that this is the truth and she finds her forever family.
THE TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION TRIPS:
I’m not sure what most people think will happen when you travel to adopt. Adoption comes from a place of pain and loss. A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me. – Jody Landers You might get away without much pain in the beginning if you adopt an infant, but someday you will have to deal with thoughts of abandonment, the child questioning your love, and their thoughts of not being enough. It’s only in the movies that the child immediately forgets their painful past, rushes to you with open arms, embraces you while spouting praises of your wonderfulness, all the while thanking you for saving them. The reality is they can be withdrawn, sad, and angry. Even if they come from a foster home where they were loved, there will be issues because they are being taken away from the only family they have ever known. There will be many tears and sleepless nights.
You will travel long distances, be away from the rest of your family, in a land you aren’t really sure about, for days, maybe even weeks. You will be sleep deprived, tired, out of sorts. You will be on an emotional roller coaster ride of highs and lows. You will spend your time trying to convince this child that you will always be there for them. It is amazing how quickly they figure out that you are mom, but that doesn’t mean they will come right to you. Often one parent or the other gets left out. Mark Hall, from Casting Crowns, talks very openly about this subject. He wrote the song “So Far To Find You” because of what he felt when they adopted their daughter.
BE AS PREPARED AS YOU CAN BE FOR ANY SCENARIO:
Even with Dan’s medical background and all of our medical knowledge from caring for sick children, we were thrown for a loop. You may get exactly what the medical records show or it may be worse. You have to be prepared for whatever happens. You have to be ready for anything. You have to wrap your head around that if you can. The last thing you want to do is have to make a decision to disrupt the adoption. That is not fair to this child who has been waiting for you. For us it wasn’t about making our family better (although that does happen), it was about saving a child’s life. It was about doing what was right for them. God called us to these specific children and we felt that we couldn’t walk away. God sometimes calls us to the hard and takes us way out of our comfort zones. The Chapman’s call this “The glorious wreckage of our plans.”
GOD WILL LIFT YOU UP:
During this week when my heart was hurting, God spoke very clearly to me. (All of these excerpts are from daily devotions that I have sent to my e-mail and all were received while we were still in China.)
“For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me”(Matt 25:42-43). “It is not enough for us to say: “I love God,” but I also have to love my neighbor. St. John says that you are a liar if you say you love God and you don’t love your neighbor. How can you love God whom you do not see, if you do not love your neighbor whom you see, whom you touch, with whom you live? And so it is very important for us to realize that love, to be true, has to hurt. I must be willing to give whatever it takes not to harm other people and, in fact, to do good to them. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is not true love in me and I bring injustice, not peace, to those around me.” Mother Teresa
“Put your trust in the Lord your God and you will stand your ground. Believe what his prophets tell you, and you will succeed.” (2 Chronicles 20:20b GNT)
“Are you not God?” Yes, you are in charge, and you’re big enough to handle it.
“Did you not help us in the past?” Yes, you did help us in the past.
“Will you not do it again?” Yes, you will do it again!Have you ever had a day like that? What do you do when you’re facing insurmountable, overwhelming problems? Go to the Lord.
“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold.” (1 Peter 1:7a NLT)
Accept What Can Not Be Changed – “I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13 NLT)
Peace is Not Problem Free Living – “I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27 NLT)
This is the bottom line: Joy is a decision. You are as joyful as you choose to be.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” (Philippians 4:6 NLT)
God was there in the midst of our pain. God was holding us up and strengthening us. We believe that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. We can NOT do this. I know I can’t. My heart just breaks thinking about what the future holds for my sweet children. Pain and shortened lifespans, tests and more tests, hospitalizations and surgeries. It will be a hard road and one I am willing to take only because the Lord will be by my side. He has given me a best friend who shares my same dreams. He has given me children who see a greater purpose and willingly step up to help. He has bestowed upon our hearts a burden to do more than we thought we could.
BEAUTIFUL THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR HEART:
The truth of the matter is what comes out of adoption holds many beautiful things. Watching children heal and trust and laugh is amazing. Watching our babies come together and love each other is so heartwarming. Ben wakes up every morning and sits on my laugh and says, “I love Min mama. I love Eli. I love Lainey. I love Evie. Thank you mama!” He is four and he gets it. We have been home three days and they are running around the house, playing and loving up on each other. Gracie and Shuang have figured out their own way to communicate. Enough so that Shuang told her a story about Cassie and I being funny in China and Gracie repeated it to me.
It has been two weeks for little Miss Evie and she is sitting. She couldn’t sit up just two weeks ago and now she is sitting. A little bit of food and love and she is progressing so quickly. I bet she has put on a pound already. What a joy she is. Jasmine went from a shy, quiet girl to one who laughs all day long while she is playing with the kids. Eli is so charming. I can’t even describe how cute this kid is. Lainey is by far the best yet. I have watched her blossom. She is funny and cuddly and playing so well. It has been unbelievably mind blowing and it’s only been two weeks. The Lord is so good. Blessed be His name! (I’ve been singing that song all day long.)
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect. There is still crying and yelling. There is still not much sleeping at night. We are still trying to unpack our bags. The house is a mess. The laundry is not caught up. We are a long way away from our new normal, but we are well on our way. Life is a journey. It’s not about the destination. It’s about enjoying all the things along the way. There have been many wonderful blessings already, especially watching our older children with their new siblings.
We came home from seeing my mom in the hospital the other day and Gracie started crying. I assumed that she was crying about my mom, who was still looking very, very ill. (Today she looks much better – PTL!) I asked Gracie why she was sad and she said, “I’m sad because of Min, mama. She would have died if they left her on the street. I’m so glad you and daddy went to get her.” This is from an eight year old who knows how much time and work it will take to take care of Shuang. She gets it. It’s not about the easy. It’s about making their lives better. It’s about saving them from a fate that holds no future and giving them an eternal future. What a gift to be a part of. The blessings out weigh the pain. Don’t be afraid. Just be prepared. If God is calling you, please, please, please open your heart to the possibilities. Beautiful things will happen and blessings will abound. I’m seriously telling you the truth and would be willing to clarify for you if necessary. 🙂 Praying that God leads you and guides you to all the wonders of His ways. Praying that He opens your heart and your eyes to where your gifts would best be used.
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Thoughts rolling around in my head (part 1)
I thought these 3 a.m. postings would stop once we got home, but I guess not. Children are not wishing to sleep so I am trying to type with Eli lying on my shoulder. Not sure my post will make sense. I can’t even guarantee that there won’t be any typos, but I did want to get some of these thoughts down in writing so I will give it a shot. Here’s to sleep deprived blog writing…..
ABOUT THOSE FIRST FEW DAYS:
I will admit to being knocked to my knees when we got the kids. When we picked up Lainey, she was just so sad and acted out the first two days. She had been moved from the only home she had known for almost 2 years. She went by train for 16 hours and ended up in a new place where people didn’t know how to help her calm herself. So by the time we got her, she was in full meltdown mode for most of the time. She refused to look anyone in the eye, pulled her hair, rocked on the floor, slept for about an hour, at the most, at a time and screamed….a lot. It was unbelievably overwhelming. Add to that Evie’s severe malnutrition and Jasmine’s disability and what that meant for Jasmine’s future and my heart was just broken.
I had dreams. Dreams of five toddler beds with the sweet little babies all tucked in at night. I could picture home schooling 5 little kids at about the same level and watching them grow. I could picture us getting Jasmine her surgery and helping her achieve her schooling dreams. I could see her happy and thriving. I could picture this and so much more. I have dealt with Codey’s severe physical and mental disabilities for 26 years, it’s not that I was afraid of doing that again. With Lainey, I was afraid of not being able to reach her. I was afraid of what would happen if this was all there was for her. Screaming and yelling and pulling her hair – stuck in her own little world. What if that was all there ever would be. Could I handle that? What if she never even realized that she had a family? Would adopting her even make a difference?
That is a scary thought as a parent. With Codey, I felt I didn’t have a choice, you don’t walk away from your child, but here I was half a world away being asked if we still wanted to adopt her. I was tired, worn out, frustrated by the lack of information we had before we proceeded with the papers in the first place, overwhelmed by what would be required to care for her and Evie and Jasmine. Add to all of that, the fact that Eli would only sleep, while I was standing, with his head on my shoulder, and Evie was eating every 2-3 hours; well, the sleep deprived state I was in, didn’t help me in regard to having any rational, scripture based thoughts. I cried out to the Lord. I questioned whether He knew what He was doing because how could He possibly think I could handle this?
Lainey cried and cried and cried, but she is comforted by lying her little head on your shoulder. She calms there. So I held her. Dan held her. Cassie held her. Linda held her. And we cried lots and lots of tears. Tears for dreams lost and tears from the fear of whether or not we could handle it. The final decision came down to us knowing that God lead us to her. We believe that with our whole heart. I have written about it a lot. So many things led us to this little girl. I had looked at her picture for close to a year. I had prayed for her. I had fallen in love with her little piggy tails and her sweet little face. This was our child and we would bring her home. As I said before, you don’t walk away from your child.
As the days went by, Lainey came out of her shell. She giggled and laughed and danced and ran and played….even purposely played. She responds to her name. She pats you and looks at you with such love. There is a sweet little soul there. After just two weeks with her, there is a glimmer of hope.
DISRUPTION:
While we were in China, we met quite a few couples. We traveled with five couples and many couples came up to us when they heard/saw that we had adopted four. They wanted to know how we did it. We explained that we had special circumstances and why it happened. They were friendly. Lots of Facebook friend requests and e-mail addresses exchanged.
During all of our conversations, we heard about a little nine-year-old girl with mild cerebral palsy whose family had shown up to adopt her. I don’t know her adoptive family. I only know this story as told by the family, that we talked to, that was at the office with her on their “gotcha day”. This little girl was beaming. She was so happy to finally have a family. Her disabilities didn’t seem immense. She was able to walk and seemed pretty bright although she did have some institutional delays. She went with the family. She ate with the family. She slept with the family. She believed that this was her family. Only to be told the next day that they did not wish to sign the papers. She would not be their daughter. Now everyone can say that it is for the best. She shouldn’t be with a family that doesn’t love her. She is better off waiting for a family to come forward that really wants her to be their daughter. BUT what if one doesn’t? Is she really better off in an orphanage? How did this happen? Did they not know about her disabilities? What made them say that it was too much?
The rumor was that the family thought she wasn’t a good fit because she wasn’t bright enough to be in their family. Now normally I hate rumors. I don’t want to spread words that I did not for fact hear myself. The reason I have chosen to even include this statement is just the thought that that could be okay in someone’s world. Can someone really not be smart enough for your family? How do you get children that are smart enough? What is smart enough? This little girl’s life has been forever changed. She has been abandoned again. She has waited at least a year to be chosen. She has probably spent most of her life in that orphanage. The orphanage can now deem her unadoptable if they wish. Will she be afraid to ever love and give up hope? What must she think as she sits there in that orphanage? My heart breaks for her and all the other children deemed unworthy of a family. We are all unworthy. When did we lose sight of this fact?
NOT AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION:
Those were the words I read when I asked about the little girl in pink from Jasmine’s orphanage. She is not available for adoption. For reasons outside of her control, she will live her life in that orphanage and be released when she is 14. The longing look in her eyes still haunts me. The sweet hug and her head laid softly on my shoulder still breaks my heart. She wants a mama. She wants to be in a family and she will not be allowed to.
Yes, even with all that was going on I wrote and asked about her. Even with all that was going on, I would go back and get her in a heartbeat if they told me her papers were available. Why? Because every child deserves a family. EVERY child. Not some. Not the worthy. Not the healthy. Not the unbroken. EVERY child deserves the love of a family. Especially little girls, with broken hearts, dressed in a pretty pink shirt and green dress shoes with bows, that steal your heart with just a look.
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2013 China Adventures: Family Update
I should have posted sooner and I apologize that I haven’t. I have lots of excuses for why I haven’t. First off, I can’t get my phone to hook to internet. I can’t get my blog site to pull up at all. I’ve been blocked here in China. You can get wireless hookup in the main lobby but it’s been too hectic to head downstairs. And lastly, I just haven’t been able to post because I wasn’t sure what to say. I’m filled will so many emotions right now – sadness, anger, grief, joy, feeling blessed and so happy to be with my children. I know Cassie has posted pictures on her site – why she hasn’t been blocked is beyond me. Her site, if you missed it from before, is http://thankfulforthecrazy.wordpress.com/
I’m not even sure where to start. We have spent days running around for paperwork and today is our first free day which is why I’m trying to post while the kids are napping. Yesterday, we left at 7 a.m. with Evie and Eli. We took a 30 minute taxi ride to the bullet train station, where we walked forever and climbed 3 flights of stairs with a huge bag and a baby waited another 40 minutes and then we took an hour bullet train ride at 300 km/hr to Zumahdian to fill out the paperwork for Evie’s passport. We had time to kill so they took us to her orphanage, which meant another taxi ride. Then it was lunch, another taxi, and run back to the bullet train, up more stairs, another 30 minutes to next stop for Eli’s passport paperwork, more stairs, more taxis, more waiting, crazy women outside of court offices, back in a taxi, more stairs, more walking, one hour and 30 minutes back to our town, one more taxi and then home at 5:00 p.m. and Eli cried frantically every time we were on the train. Overall, that is pretty much how our days are going.
It is always exhausting when you travel to adopt. Your sleep schedule is messed up. The children come to you with trauma from the orphanage or even if they were well cared for, they have trauma from having to say good-bye. It takes a while for sleep schedules to get worked out, to figure out what they like to eat, and for them to trust. There is a big adjustment period. Though it never fails that they attach themselves to one person and they don’t want much to do with everyone else.
There is no way to make this short or in a way that makes it one cohesive point so I will finish this and then I am going to write a couple paragraphs about each child. I will tell you ahead of time that this emotional roller coaster has had so many lows – from the unbelievable malnutrition of Evie to the unknown diagnosis of Lainey and Jasmine, to seeing all the children in the orphanage. My heart just hurts, the pain and hurt of knowing what my children will go through and the grief of dreams lost. I know that the will of God will not take me where the grace of God will not provide, but I am having great difficulty understanding all that has happened. I trust His plan and I will continue to trust His plan, but our lives have just gotten ten-fold more complicated than even I thought it was going to be. I will move forward and find a new normal. It will just take some time.
EVANGELINE FAITH
On Gotcha Day at the Registration Office, I was so angry when they handed Evie to me. Evie turned two on March 25th. Evie is not able to sit alone. She weighs approximately 12 pounds, maybe a smidge more, by Dan’s judgment and he is usually dead on. 12 month clothes fall off her. We had to head to Wal-Mart and buy her those brand new infant shoes that you get for newborns and they are too big. I can’t even begin to adequately express my anger over her malnutrition. Every horrible thought that you could imagine went through my head, but when we showed up at the orphanage it was very apparent that Evie was loved. Her nanny was so happy to see her. It was a nice enough place. The other babies were chubby. They just weren’t feeding her enough to compensate for the extra calories she needs because of her heart defect.We even got to see a new friend’s of ours baby, named Meili. Oh man does this girl have personality. She looked so good and was so happy. She showed us her playroom. Meili danced for us and Dan has a video. We can’t wait to get somewhere that it will let us send it to them.
We also got to see where Evie was abandoned. It was a street corner covered in garbage and I can’t even begin to tell you how that made me feel. I’m just so happy to take my little girl out of here. The good news is this little girl is full of personality. She smiles at the drop of a hat. She sucks her thumb just like Hopey used to. I’ve never seen another child suck their thumb like this – thumb in mouth, pointer finger up over her nose, and her other arm across her face so she can smell her arm. Plus, she kicks her feet just like Codey did when he was little and still in the hospital. She has brought back lots of wonderful memories. She is so very sick but I still feel so very blessed to be her mama.
ELIJAH JAMES
Little Mr. Eli has come out of his shell today. He was definitely loved and believes himself to be the emperor or at least a prince. He offers you his forehead to kiss and he dismisses you with this wave of his hand. The wave is like this “no, no that’s beneath me” wave. It makes me laugh every single time.He and Evie refused to eat the first few days. We tried bottles, sippy cups, cups, etc. and couldn’t get them to take anything. Cassie finally got the idea to spoon feed them liquid and that worked. Evie eats every 2-3 hours like a newborn so it’s been a tiresome couple of days. Eli is the healthiest out of everyone. How’s that for a kick in the behind? He looks wonderful and reminds me of Zach when he was little. He’s very quiet. He just sits and observes everything. He was the first to call me mama. Until today he wanted me to hold him 24/7. He wouldn’t eat until we went to KFC yesterday. The chicken finally got to him. If you know Dan, you know that is one of his favorite restaurants.
Eli truly is very, very sweet. The orphanage care giver that dropped him off said he is unbelievably sweet and easy going. He definitely looks as though he has been spoiled. He plays so sweetly with Evie. He includes Jasmine in everything. He even plays well with Lainey. He shares everything and has the cutest voice. He waved good-bye this morning and said, “Bye, bye baba (daddy).” and then blew dan a kiss. He has adjusted well.
JASMINE SHUANG
Jasmine or Shuang-Shuang (Sh-wong, Sh-wong) as she was called in the orphanage is the best girl. Everyone who meets her comments on how sweet and well-behaved she is. She has just gone with the flow. She takes everything in stride. Believe me this is a big deal. We showed up expecting a child with a mass on her back. We knew she was in a wheelchair and expected her to be a paraplegic. We were not expecting a child who can do very little for herself. She tries but she just doesn’t have the tone to do it. She can raise her arms a little. She pulls her pant legs to move her legs. She is able to feed herself, brush her teeth, etc, but that is about it. She has scoliosis that almost bends her in two.We are assuming she has some form of muscular dystrophy. I’m going to post that even without a diagnosis because it fits with her story. With m.d. you start to lose muscle function when you are 6 or so. She probably got very clumsy and then it got progressively worse and her parents didn’t know what to do with her. When you meet this girl you will understand what I’m saying when I say, I can NOT even fathom what that took to do that. She is an unbelievable child. She loves being a family and that makes me very, very happy.
LAINEY RAE
That leaves Lainey or LuLu, as Cassie has now started calling her. The reason for my pain and anguish. She is a beautiful little girl but she doesn’t just have PKU with a little brain damage. She is severely delayed with autistic characteristics. If you know me, you know that is one of the things I never thought I could handle. There were two things we did not check on disabilities we were willing to take. Those were hydrocephalus, because we had already been through all of that with Codey and I hate seizures, etc. and the second is autism.This little girl is so cuddly, which is a gift considering the level of her disability. I’m sharing this with you because when you meet her it is very apparent. This has been a shock and very painful to both Dan and I. We know that no matter what, family will be what is best for her. We will have to make lots of changes in our lives but she is worth it. Just this morning she ran down the hallway giggling and spinning. She was laughing and playing with Eli. She has the capacity to be happy and no matter what her life will be better by not staying here.
As you can see, we’ve had some adjusting to do – more than we expected – and believe me, I was expecting a lot. Even with the kids being as sick as I knew they were, I wasn’t prepared for this. God has blessed me with quite a few of the “least of these” and I will love them with all my heart.
FAMILY is a wonderful, wonderful blessing! I just want to get home so we can all start working on our new normal.
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The reasons I lost my heart….
It was so unbelievable being there with all those little kids. My heart hurt leaving them there. Dan says we should share their pictures and find them families. Has God been tugging at your heart? Take a look maybe a picture will steal your heart too.
Cassie’s favorite. If only she had a pocket….
Mema’s favorite. She had him jumping up and down and giggling so much.
The little one who stole Dan’s heart…..
Entering the orphanage.
Her SpongeBob room.
The view from her window.
Some of her friends waiting to say hi.
Nannies, teachers, director, family and friends.
This boy is a charmer. He kissed Cassie right on the cheek.
Handing out clothes to all her friends. Mr. Charmer went straight for the spiderman jacket. It was just like Christmas morning.
What did I tell you? Mr. C.H.A.R.M.I.N.G!!!!!
This little guy leaves for America in a week. His family is very, very lucky. What a sweetheart. Gave me a bunch of hugs!
The schoolroom funded by Love Without Boundaries. They were very, very proud of their schoolroom.
The two girls Shuang (Sh-wong) shared a room with.
The tall girl in pink stole my heart. She sat on her chair and looked sad. I’m not sure if it was because Shuang was leaving or the fact that she wanted a family too or a little bit of both. She came and sat by me. She kept scooting closer and closer and when I put my arm around her she laid her head on my shoulder. I put bows in her hair and wept when I left.
Just had to add the pictures of the kids sitting on the guardrail on their long trek home. It doesn’t seem that bad from this picture, but when you consider what the hills really looked like….
frightening.
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Stolen Hearts
We drove to her orphanage today. The scenery was unbelievable, absolutely breathtaking. Mountains and big deep valleys as far as the eye can see. We drove for 5 hours to get to the orphanage. It was all paved road except for one small stretch. This small stretch was like an amusement park ride. Potholes and bumps that almost knocked you off your seat.
Have I mentioned how much fun the driving is here? I’m not sure why they have lines on the road. It’s more like a suggestion than anything else. In and out, barely missing another car, add a mountain with huge drop offs and it was just a party. As we were driving home, we saw little kids on the side of this mountain roads, where cars drive fast with all that in and out business, walking home from school with their book bags. I’m telling you there wasn’t a house to be seen for miles. I asked our guide Bill about it and he said these farm children want an education so bad that some of them walk 2 hours to and from school every day. We take much for granted.
We got to her city, which I was told was a small rural community. Ha! It’s about ten Des Moines’! It is hard to explain what you see there. I’m just glad to be taking her home. I asked if they’d really put her on the street. They said sometimes, they put children in adult institutions. So she probably wouldn’t be in the street, but for a little girl who can do nothing for herself except eat and brush her teeth. It wouldn’t have been pretty.
When we got to the city our driver and our guide were calling someone and driving around in circles. We were starting to wonder why they couldn’t find the orphanage. We were sitting in traffic and out of no where came Jack, her English tutor from the orphanage, he rode his bike and directed us to this small little shop. The orphanage director had invited us for lunch. The meal was unbelievable. So many different foods to try. We ate with chopsticks. It was a memorable moment full of laughter and good times.
Then we headed off to the orphanage. The good news is the workers at the orphanage were wonderful. They all love her. First, they took us to see the babies. Their were a couple that stole our hearts with their belly laughs. One wouldn’t let go of Dan’s finger. If only he had a pocket big enough……..
Then we went & saw her bedroom. It was a nice little room with Sponge Bob blankets. They had the rest of the children in a room waiting for us, all lined up on their little chairs. One little boy smiled up at Cassie and said ni hao jie jie (hi big sister) so she kneeled down to his level and he kissed her on the cheek. Pocket number three filled. Cassie was smitten with a giggly little baby too. This boy had so much personality. We met another little guy who leaves for the states next week. I don’t know who these parents are but they are in for a treat. Oh what a big hearted little guy, who had hugs and smiles for everyone.
We brought tons of clothes with us for Min because I had two different sets of measurements. Some of the smaller clothes will not fit because her scoliosis is so bad she needs a larger shirt. I pointed to the clothes and told her, with our new made up language – signenglishbadchinese, “too hot, too small” and then pointed to a picture that I have of her two best friends. They share a room together in the orphanage. She shook her head yes very enthusiastically and said “thank you”. Linda had also brought one of those fleece blanket kits to make with Min. It had two pieces of fleece that you tie together so we just let her hand the blankets and the bag of clothes to the girls in another room so the others wouldn’t see. Thy skipped down the hall to their room after giving Min a huge hug. It was a wonderful moment. And mommy would bring those two girls home too. I need to find them a family. They were sweet with no visible defects. I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I’d need a suitcase for these girls, a pocket just wouldn’t cut it.
The tall girl looked so sad sitting there. I had her come sit by me so I could put a bow in her hair. She snuggled in next to me and just looked at me with the saddest eyes. She just wants a mama and if she doesn’t get one where will she be? Man, I wish I could clone myself. I wish I could do more. I can’t stand it. It makes me want to build a house with lots of bedrooms. I’d have a classroom right there with a teacher. I’d have a maid so I didn’t have to waste my time on things that didn’t matter and I would be a mama to as many as I could. So right about now I can hear you say “wouldn’t that just be another orphanage?”. No! Because what is missing from those places isn’t love or caring. It’s the feeling of belonging, of mattering, of family. Knowing you have a family is something an institution just can’t give you. Every time Min leans in to me and looks at me with those big eyes and says “mama”, I know what matters.
Right now, I’m sitting on the bathroom floor, texting out this post on my phone, at 3 am again. I should try to get more sleep. Later, I will download the pictures and you will see what I mean. Be prepared to have your heart stolen.
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2013 China Adventures: Part 1
What a day it has been. We left Hong Kong to head Guangzhou, where we were to catch a plane and fly to Guiyang, which is where we will meet Min.
First, I realized I was off a whole day and I had 24 extra hours to wait to get her – which was heartbreaking. As I write this now, it is 2:33 a.m. here in China. We leave in exactly 12 hours to go get her. Now I am positive I have my days straight. Anyway, while we were crossing the bridge from Hong Kong to China we were stopped in immigration, not for the 6 large suitcases we carried but because there was something wrong with my mother-in-law’s passport. We sat in a hot van for 2 1/2 hours while we waited and in the process missed our flight. We finally were allowed to leave and headed to the airport. We were originally set to fly out at 12:30. We now had a flight for 18:15 and they wouldn’t let us check our luggage until 16:00. Three hours to wait. The out of place Americans with their boatload of suitcases. Boy, were we a sight.
I spent quite a bit of time at the KFC counter trying to order chicken. This was no small feat considering no one spoke English. I pointed to what I thought were chicken nuggets and got a Pepsi because no one understood diet Pepsi and there was no cute little picture for it. Come to find out they don’t sell diet, probably because everyone is a size double zero here. (See back to the size issue here. I feel like a giant here. It’s just the way it is.)
Anyway, back to my story. I sit down and take a bite of my nugget which is in fact some breaded, hot, spicy, fish bite. I was a bit confused since the picture clearly looked like popcorn chicken bites but hungry enough to try a couple more. Went back up to the counter and tried again. I pointed to the two pieces of chicken. I paid my money. They handed me two wings. I’m ordering chicken for my husband, seriously, how hard can this be? I am at KFC for goodness sakes. Our guide finally comes back and I beg her to help me. She argues with the girl about me getting two pieces of chicken and we finally do. Dan was happy, I was relieved, and Cassie was in tears laughing at the hilarity of it all.
We waited and waited and waited. We walked around with our three trolleys of luggage and everyone stared. I am absolutely positive we were conversation and laughs for many people today. Even our guide asked if we brought our whole house. I explained again that we were getting four and we brought two suitcases of clothes packed in those “suck out the air” bag things to donate to the orphanage. We learned that the orphanage has no heat and asked if there was anything they could use. They informed me one summer and one fall outfit for each of the children. I have quite a few sets of clothes in my luggage. My worst fear was immigration opening those bags to search them. There is no way all of those clothes would have gone back into those suitcases.
We were tired and we were hungry. I’m not even going to go into the horrors of the “squat toilets” or the fact that the American toilet had a sign on the outside that said “only for the weak”. We were obviously frustrated and heading towards cranky. I hate days like this. Days that should be joy filled but little things keep chipping away at your happiness. We like to call it “the attack of the mosquito”. We all know where those doubts come from. Attacks like this are just the same. Chipping away at our joy so we lose sight of what a blessing we have in front of us. I don’t like when I lose sight even for a minute. My eyes are where they should be and after a good dose of reading a very good book, I’m back to feeling happy and excited!
It is now 2:59 am and at 15:00 tomorrow, 12 hours away, I will be seeing her in person for the very first time. I didn’t expect my journey to get her to be easy and today didn’t let me down. The really good things in life are never easy.
We will post pictures tomorrow. What a joy it will be to finally touch her sweet face and say “wo shi ni de mama” – I am your mama!
My heart feels such love for this little girl. Dan and I were sitting in the airport talking about how we both saw her picture at the same time, on different computers in different rooms, and fell instantly in love. For parents who had agreed to never adopt an older child, this was no small miracle. Someday she will hear this story and hopefully fully understand just how much she was loved from the very first moment we saw her face.
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As ready as we can be…..(part 2)
As I sit here contemplating what this trip means, it brings tears to my eyes. It was during this week 26 years ago, that I sat in the hospital, very sick because I had become infected after my emergency c-section and prayed for my two little boys. All of my dreams had come crashing down in just a few short hours. I had been life flighted (air helicopter) to Des Moines. I had been told so many horrible things about what the outcome for my boys would be. Life moved in slow motion and I was in a daze. They allowed me to go into the NICU on this day to hold their little hands. I know now it was because they knew how sick Kyle was. They called us in later that night and he passed away. I remember it clearly because it was an open bed unit and they pulled this little white curtain around us to give us some time with him. Have I mentioned that I absolutely detest white curtains? And I wept. I doubted I could go on. I didn’t even have the words to pray. I felt as if a part of my heart had died with him.
The next few days were a blur. We drove Kyle the 90 minutes to our home town, after his autopsy, because we couldn’t afford to have the funeral home to come get him. We thought we could pay for the funeral because we had the child rider on our life insurance policy but Kyle only lived 5 days and you have to live 7 days to collect. Everything was such a nightmare. The picking out of a little outfit. The little white casket. The forever of letting go. It was just so hard. It is still hard during this week, 26 years later. My heart still aches for what could have been.
So as I get ready to leave on May 4th, the day that Kyle died, I am so happy and yet heartbroken at the same time. I know that these things have worked together for the good of God, but that doesn’t make it easy. It doesn’t mean that it was good. It just means it worked together for good. I was very fearful after the boys. I had always dreamed of having a big family, but I didn’t want to take the chance. God knew better and even though I took all the precautions that I could, I got pregnant with Zachary. Anyone who knows Zachary, knows what a gift that was. God blessed me with the sweetest, smartest, little boy that I could have ever dreamed of.
Dan and I were talking about this yesterday. We were discussing how we know for a fact that we would not be who we are without all that we had gone through. That doesn’t mean we have it all together. I still feel like such a baby believer. I still make so many mistakes. I still don’t get all that I know I could get done, done. I still have areas of weakness that I fight with all the time, like my weight. But I do now know what is important. I wish I would have woken up sooner to the fact, but I finally figured it out.
Many times during this year, I have questioned whether I can really do this. It doesn’t help when people question your sanity. It makes you question it yourself. Most people have been very encouraging, but they still say they are glad it’s me and not them. So when they ask about extracurricular activities for the kids and whether or not they will have enough time it does make you question what you are doing. Then I stop and I reread James 1:27 – “…to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” We think being polluted by the world is stuff like watching R rated movies, or listening to the wrong kind of music. But the reality is we are polluted by the world with our American ideals. We don’t rely on God because we have everything at our fingertips. We don’t pray to God for our food, our home, our car. We take all those things for granted. We provide for them. It’s all about “we” or “me”. I deserve a nice vacation. I deserve this new toy. Well, why do we deserve? What have we truly done to deserve anything? I know I’ve done nothing. I am no better than that mother sitting in China with no hope for her child with a cardiac defect. She cries and wants nothing more than to love this baby that grew inside her, but she has no choice but to abandon him. She has to. There’s no big bank account. There’s no health insurance. There’s no public aid to help. She has absolutely no choice.
But I do have a choice. I have a choice to do without my vacation. I have a choice to go get this child and love them with all my heart. I don’t know why these bad things happen. I don’t know why any child dies or is born with problems. I don’t. I can’t wrap my head around it. But just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean I should not pay attention to it.
So even though I am afraid. Even though I wonder if I can do it all. I know through Christ I can do all things. I will keep my eyes on the Lord. I will repeat over and over again the phrase – caring for the least of these. I don’t have to have it all together to love them. I don’t have to be perfect to truly change their lives. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can let them know they are loved. I can let them know that I will always be here for them. I can show them the love of a family.
I can’t even begin to put into words what it has been like this past year. Watching Ben and Maisey grow and thrive. Maisey loves with such abandon. I can’t believe that she was a discarded child in China. 6 pounds at 6 months. No one cared if she lived or died and then the Hills found her. She is such a joy. Truly a joy. She throws herself into your arms and she loves you so much it almost hurts as Dan says. Just yesterday, she put a hand on each side of my face and said, “Mama! Mama! I happy here.” She is 3 and profoundly hard of hearing. Hearing those words come out of her mouth perfectly….well, that just says it all. She is happy here. It’s not about dance and being the best in school. It’s not about providing every single item that they could possibly want. It’s about providing a warm bed to crawl into and arms that welcome you every morning. It’s about knowing that they matter.
I may not be able to do it all but together, with the rest of my crew, we will do the most important thing. We will give them family. We will give them love and a safe place to fall. They will know they matter. They will see the love of Christ and they will know that their lives have worth. What a beautiful thing to get to be a part of. I have come full circle as a mother. I started out on May 4th, 1987 saying goodbye to my dream of having a big family, with my white picket fence, and fairytale ending. And now 26 years later, I am saying thank you to God for allowing me to have my dream, when I had given up hope of it ever happening. So with tears in my eyes, I set off knowing I will not do this perfectly, but that I know I can love them with all my heart and be the best mommy that I can be.
Yesterday, after hearing what Ben had said to me about Eli, Dan said the sweetest words to me.
“Your conversation with Ben brought tears to my eyes. He truly understands what “mommy” means – and he knows what it will mean to Eli.
I want to share a quote from Katie Davis: “Mommy.” She said it and I knew. She was mine. I was captivated. Because Mommy is forever. It’s such a powerful name. Mommy means “I trust you.” Mommy means “you will protect me.” Mommy is for shouting when you need someone dependable and for laughing when you are excited; Mommy is for crying on and cuddling with when you are sad or giggling and hiding behind when you are embarrassed. Mommy is the fixer of boo-boos and mender of broken hearts. Mommy is a comfort place, a safe place. Mommy means you are mine and I am yours and we are family. (from the book “Kisses from Katie”)Lisa – My children are so blessed that YOU are their Mommy.”
I can be a mommy to them and for that reason, I am as ready as I can possibly be…..
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