• Thoughts rolling around in my head (part 1)

    Date: 2013.05.27 | Category: Adoption, China 2013, Thoughts to ponder | Tags:

    I thought these 3 a.m. postings would stop once we got home, but I guess not.  Children are not wishing to sleep so I am trying to type with Eli lying on my shoulder.  Not sure my post will make sense. I can’t even guarantee that there won’t be any typos, but I did want to get some of these thoughts down in writing so I will give it a shot.  Here’s to sleep deprived blog writing…..


    I will admit to being knocked to my knees when we got the kids.  When we picked up Lainey, she was just so sad and acted out the first two days.  She had been moved from the only home she had known for almost 2 years.  She went by train for 16 hours and ended up in a new place where people didn’t know how to help her calm herself.  So by the time we got her, she was in full meltdown mode for most of the time.  She refused to look anyone in the eye, pulled her hair, rocked on the floor, slept for about an hour, at the most, at a time and screamed….a lot.  It was unbelievably overwhelming.  Add to that Evie’s severe malnutrition and Jasmine’s disability and what that meant for Jasmine’s future and my heart was just broken.

    I had dreams.  Dreams of five toddler beds with the sweet little babies all tucked in at night.  I could picture home schooling 5 little kids at about the same level and watching them grow.   I could picture us getting Jasmine her surgery and helping her achieve her schooling dreams.  I could see her happy and thriving.  I could picture this and so much more. I have dealt with Codey’s severe physical and mental disabilities for 26 years, it’s not that I was afraid of doing that again.  With Lainey, I was afraid of not being able to reach her.  I was afraid of what would happen if this was all there was for her.  Screaming and yelling and pulling her hair – stuck in her own little world.  What if that was all there ever would be.  Could I handle that?  What if she never even realized that she had a family?  Would adopting her even make a difference?

    That is a scary thought as a parent.  With Codey, I felt I didn’t have a choice, you don’t walk away from your child, but here I was  half a world away being asked if we still wanted to adopt her.  I was tired, worn out, frustrated by the lack of information we had before we proceeded with the papers in the first place, overwhelmed by what would be required to care for her and Evie and Jasmine.  Add to all of that, the fact that Eli would only sleep, while I was standing, with his head on my shoulder, and Evie was eating every 2-3 hours; well, the sleep deprived state I was in, didn’t help me in regard to having any rational, scripture based thoughts.  I cried out to the Lord.  I questioned whether He knew what He was doing because how could He possibly think I could handle this?

    Lainey cried and cried and cried, but she is comforted by lying her little head on your shoulder.  She calms there.  So I held her.  Dan held her.  Cassie held her.  Linda held her.  And we cried lots and lots of tears. Tears for dreams lost and tears from the fear of whether or not we could handle it.  The final decision came down to us knowing that God lead us to her.  We believe that with our whole heart.  I have written about it a lot.   So many things led us to this little girl.  I had looked at her picture for close to a year.  I had prayed for her.  I had fallen in love with her little piggy tails and her sweet little face.  This was our child and we would bring her home.  As I said before, you don’t walk away from your child.

    As the days went by, Lainey came out of her shell.  She giggled and laughed and danced and ran and played….even purposely played.  She responds to her name.  She pats you and looks at you with such love.  There is a sweet little soul there.  After just two weeks with her, there is a glimmer of hope.


    While we were in China, we met quite a few couples.  We traveled with five couples and many couples came up to us when they heard/saw that we had adopted four.  They wanted to know how we did it.  We explained that we had special circumstances and why it happened.  They were friendly.  Lots of Facebook friend requests and e-mail addresses exchanged.

    During all of our conversations, we heard about a little nine-year-old girl with mild cerebral palsy whose family had shown up to adopt her.  I don’t know her adoptive family. I only know this story as told by the family, that we talked to, that was at the office with her on their “gotcha day”.  This little girl was beaming.  She was so happy to finally have a family.  Her disabilities didn’t seem immense. She was able to walk and seemed pretty bright although she did have some institutional delays.  She went with the family.  She ate with the family.  She slept with the family.  She believed that this was her family.  Only to be told the next day that they did not wish to sign the papers.  She would not be their daughter.  Now everyone can say that it is for the best.  She shouldn’t be with a family that doesn’t love her.  She is better off waiting for a family to come forward that really wants her to be their daughter.  BUT what if one doesn’t?  Is she really better off in an orphanage?  How did this happen?  Did they not know about her disabilities?  What made them say that it was too much?

    The rumor was that the family thought she wasn’t a good fit because she wasn’t bright enough to be in their family.  Now normally I hate rumors.  I don’t want to spread words that I did not for fact hear myself.   The reason I have chosen to even include this statement is just the thought that that could be okay in someone’s world.  Can someone really not be smart enough for your family?  How do you get children that are smart enough?  What is smart enough?   This little girl’s life has been forever changed.  She has been abandoned again.  She has waited at least a year to be chosen.  She has probably spent most of her life in that orphanage.  The orphanage can now deem her unadoptable if they wish.  Will she be afraid to ever love and give up hope?  What must she think as she sits there in that orphanage?  My heart breaks for her and all the other children deemed unworthy of a family.  We are all unworthy.  When did we lose sight of this fact?


    Those were the words I read when I asked about the little girl in pink from Jasmine’s orphanage.  She is not available for adoption.  For reasons outside of her control, she will live her life in that orphanage and be released when she is 14.  The longing look in her eyes still haunts me.  The sweet hug and her head laid softly on my shoulder still breaks my heart.   She wants a mama.  She wants to be in a family and she will not be allowed to.

    Yes, even with all that was going on I wrote and asked about her.  Even with all that was going on, I would go back and get her in a heartbeat if they told me her papers were available.  Why?  Because every child deserves a family.  EVERY child.  Not some.  Not the worthy.  Not the healthy.  Not the unbroken.  EVERY child deserves the love of a family.  Especially little girls, with broken hearts, dressed in a pretty pink shirt and green dress shoes with bows, that steal your heart with just a look.