• Some days

    Date: 2013.07.08 | Category: Adoption, Evangeline Faith | Tags:

    Some days I can pretend everything is all right

    and some days I can’t.

    There are lots of factors that contribute to some days being harder than others.

    Lack of sleep.

    That certain time of the month.

    Hearing about other children who have lost their battles.

    Reading a mama’s blog where she talks about this battle.

    Being added to a new Facebook group of mama’s who have lost children.

    Feeling like maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

    This little face looks up at me….


    and my heart breaks.

    It breaks because it took so damn long to get her here.

    Time wasted while paperwork was filed and mailed and authenticated.

    An abandoned baby, left alone.

    In a place no baby should be left.

    evie abandonment

    Time was wasted when I could have held her.

    Time was wasted when I could have loved her more.

    Time was wasted that I can never, ever get back.

    This little girl who is so very sick.

    Who wants me to hold her all day long.

    She laughs and smiles with that huge smile.

    evie pink

    And I try not to think about her being alone.

    But it is hard…

    I mean how can you not think about those nights she cried alone,

    and no one wiped her tears.

    Those times she was scared,

    and no one came.

    Those times when she was sick,

    and no one rocked her through the night.

    Sometimes I can pretend everything is all right,

    but when I hold her little hands, I know the truth….

    evie hands

    She is very, very sick.

    She is wonderful,

    and bright,

    and funny,

    and so unbelievable sweet,

     she smiles all the time,

    and she can barely talk,

    but she looks up at me with those big brown eyes

    and says, “Mama!”

    “Wuv you.”

    It’s only been two months.

    Two short months since she was placed in my arms.

    But I’ve loved her for longer, since I first saw her face.

    Forever it seems.

    She says those words and my heart overflows with love for her.

    As we sat in church today,

     I prayed and thanked God for her again.

    As she tapped me on the chest and said “Mama!”

    Over and over again she said, “Mama!”

    I know I should have told her to stop,

    but she has had so many days when she couldn’t say mama

    because she didn’t have a mama

    and there will be so many days

    when I will no longer be able to  hear the word mama come from her sweet little lips.

    So I let her say it

    over and over and over again

    as she shook her little head “yes”.

    I am so happy that I get to be her mama.

    What a blessing.

    What a joy.

    What an honor beyond any honor.

    I want to shout it from the rooftop.

    “I am Evie’s mama!!!!!”

    I am proud to say that.

    She is a treasure.

    Worth every tear that will fall.

    It hurts my heart sometimes, but….

    truth-be-told I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    I want to be strong for her.

    I want to be here for her.

    I want to live in the moment for her.

    But it hurts

    and I know it’s going to hurt even more


    Some days I can pretend that everything is ok,

    but today is just not one of those days…..