Author Archive
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The True Cost
Everyone talks about the cost of adoption. It’s too expensive. You won’t hear me disagree with that. It is too expensive. When we adopted Hope 16 years ago, it was $10,000 for lawyer fees, court costs, and our homestudy. $10,000 worth of fees for us to be a family to a child that was left alone in the hospital. Was the fee too much? Probably! Was Hope worth it? YES! Every cent.
But the reality is there are many more costs involved with adoption. There’s the cost of time. The cost of heartache. The cost of little hearts waiting for a family. Medical costs. There is a cost to your family. You name it there’s a cost.
So what is the life of a child worth? I know people hate the word “save” when it comes to a child that is waiting for a family. I personally don’t have a huge issue with it because I have been saved. I was saved by my Lord Jesus Christ. I was literally saved by my husband from a life that was less than. Dan, through the gospel, taught me that others hurting me didn’t mean that I deserved to be hurt. Dan taught me grace and forgiveness. I had been through a lot in my early years and I believed I wasn’t worth loving. That pain, those awful, horrible feelings are what help me relate to my hurting children. How much is it worth to show another person their worth?
Was it worth the hours Dan held me while I cried? Was it worth the pain he felt until I truly trusted that he loved me? Everything in life has a price. EVERYTHING! I’m thankful Dan found me worth his time. I’m thankful he believed in me enough to stick with me. I’m thankful he saw my worth when I couldn’t.
Last night at Wal-Mart, Dan started talking to a family about why we were buying so many groceries. He explained we just got back from China. They asked how many children we had and Dan said “16”. The woman looked at me and said, “My mom had 16 children and she died at 42. Just be careful.” It would be comical if that wasn’t the first time I had heard this. I heard it when we adopted the first two. “You know you are older. You don’t want to take on too much.” I heard it after we came home with the four. “Four kids at a time would be hard on someone half your age!” I hear it because Lainey doesn’t sleep and I am sometimes really tired. “Take care of yourself. You don’t want it to kill you. You need to be around for your kids.”
These are caring words. I understand them. I believe them. I do need to take care of myself, but here lies the problem for me. What if adopting all these kids makes me die at 75 instead of 85? Wouldn’t 10 years of my life be worth it to improve theirs? What is an ok cost for bringing a child here and getting the surgery they need that will extend their life? What cost is ok for keeping them out of an adult institution where it is survival of the fittest? What cost is ok for letting a child feel love? What cost is ok for giving someone the unconditional love of family?
If it costs you a vacation, is that ok?
If it costs you sleep, is that ok?
If it costs you friends and family, is that ok?
If it costs you in your free time, is that ok?
If it makes you dead tired, is that ok?
If you are emotionally drained and feel you have nothing left, is that ok?
How much would be okay to spend for an adoption? $10,000? $15,000? $20,000? I believe it is about so much more than the money involved. We all waste money. We all find money to spend on the things we really want. We want a new car so we are willing to borrow for six years to pay for it but we can’t borrow for six years to pay for an adoption? I don’t think that money is the true cost that is stopping people.
I believe it is much like the cost of truly following God. I never gave it much thought in my 20’s or 30’s. I believed in God. I went to church on Sunday. I tithed. I was a fairly good person. I was kind to people. I helped when I could. But if you truly have a relationship with the Lord, there is a great cost in following God and His commands. There are many stories in the Bible about giving up everything and following Him. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. – Matthew 16:24
How many of us are willing to give up anything? How many of us would be willing to deny ourselves instant gratification for what we truly want? How many of us complain when we stand in line too long? Or complain when the Sunday morning service goes too long? Or when there is no internet connection? Would we give up cable and our weekly pizza night to adopt? Would we feel it was worth the cost to take our children out of sports or dance and make them share a room? What is okay to give up?
People who are passionate about things give up much to reach their goals. Marathon runners do it. The climbers of Mount Everest do it. Olympic trainers do it. They are willing to sacrifice much to reach their goal. When something has great value to you, it is worth the cost. So why should adoption be any different?
The cost of loving Liam isn’t much. It’s pretty darn easy. He’s adjusted fantastically. He likes American food. He has had no jet lag. He’s gone to sleep easily and slept through the night from the very first night. He follows the kids and does what they do. He’s jumped into doing chores, even though he wasn’t asked to. He loves his siblings and the games they play. He is joyful about every new thing he gets to experience. It has been pretty darn effortless.
But the cost of loving JJ is much more. She is hurting. She strikes out. She is angry. She doesn’t trust. She does not believe she is worth any of this. You can not tell her she is pretty. She will shake her head right off her shoulders. She will not let you comfort her. My heart hurts because I know she has been hurt. What I have learned through the lessons of God and the patience of my husband is that love can heal. Trust can be earned. Fear can be erased. Forgiveness can be achieved. Grace is a beautiful thing.
JJ deserves unconditional love. JJ deserves a chance to grow up to be all she can be. Is she worth the medical costs? Yes. Is she worth the pain we feel from rejection? Yes. She is worth the time and energy that will be expended. She is worth the tears I will shed. She is worth the sleep I will lose. I believe the cost in not loving JJ is more than the cost of loving her. I believe she deserves to be safe. I believe she deserves to be happy. I believe that whatever it costs me is worth it.
My life is not worth more than JJ’s. My time is not more valuable than hers. God loves her with the same abandon He loves me. I may not have understood what is truly important in the first part of my life, but I understand it now, and the cost of pretending it’s not true is just too much!
“I want to run my life in that manner. I want the second half to be stronger than the first.” We we can run faster as the race goes on in our final years, we can sprint, knowing that we can collapse in His arms.” – Francis Chan
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How Do You Know if You Should You Adopt?
Edited – This blog post is not directed towards anyone. It is not meant in a negative way. I merely wanted to explain that I don’t know. I don’t know how you decide. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could look at someone and say, “Adoption would be a great fit for you or I think God has other plans for your family.”I want to share with you how I have made my decisions. Every one of the excuses at the end of the blog I have said. I had to work through whether or not those excuses truly stood up or not and I shared how I make those decisions.
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I’ve been asked this question over and over again – “How do I know if I should adopt?”
I was thinking back to our decisions to adopt JJ and Liam. I drug my feet on adopting JJ. I said, “I was too busy. I’ve done my part. I’m tired. I’m worn thin.” I thought JJ was beautiful and would make a wonderful daughter but her needs weren’t simple. We are talking possible kidney transplant or dialysis. Her kidneys are very sick. You aren’t a 25 pound 8 year old because you are healthy. Could I add that to my plate and do it well? Would it hurt my other children? Would it take away from them? How could it be possible that we were the right parents for her?
Then one night Elyse said to Dan and I, “If JJ dies and we don’t try, I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself. I know she is my sister.” Her words didn’t instantly make me say “yes” but they did make me think long and hard about it. It means I looked at every possible scenario and wondered if I could handle it. If I am honest, I knew the moment I looked at her picture, that she was my daughter and I was letting fear stop me from proceeding. I came to realize that doing nothing was just as bad as standing in my living room looking at one of my children, and deciding I was too busy to care for their medical needs and letting them die. I pictured myself at the end of my life and God showing me JJ’s picture and Him asking me “Why didn’t you do something?” At that moment, I knew I had to do something.
The decision to adopt Liam was instant peace. I have never felt such overwhelming peace. Yes, this is my son. Yes, everything will work out. It makes no sense but I know it is true. How can you explain that to someone? For me, it’s God. If you don’t believe in God it becomes me being some overemotional, crazy person. There’s been no magical formula that happens so we know we should adopt. Every one of our adoption journeys has been different. Sometimes it brings me to my knees and I can’t imagine not proceeding. Sometimes it’s just been an overwhelming peace. Sometimes instant tears. Sometimes it is someone else in the house who has been moved by a child and after much prayer you realize it is right.
This is why it is hard. This is why I can’t answer for you. The truth is I can’t tell you if you should adopt. I can’t tell you whether it is right or wrong for your family. I can’t tell you how to convince your spouse. I can’t tell you it won’t be too hard. I can’t tell you it won’t change your life. I can’t tell you that your bio children will do fine with it. I can’t tell you that your friends and family will be supportive.
What I can tell you for sure your journey will have moments of difficulty. Even when the child adjusts amazingly well there will be things that come up. Because it’s life. Life is messy. Adoption comes from a place of pain and loss. There is hurt involved. There are emotions that will overwhelm. You can’t avoid it. It may be easy and it may be hard, but I believe it is worth it. The hardest parts of my life are what have made me rely on God more and have grown my relationship with Him. The hard times have led to the most joy, maybe because I can appreciate it more.
What I can tell you as an absolute is if you are a Christian, God did NOT call you to be comfortable. God didn’t call you to sit back and let others do everything. God asks you… NO! He commands you to be His hands and feet. Your call may not be adoption but you are being called and if you feel comfortable and never stretched, I would say you truly need to look at your life and see what it is saying.
People should know what you stand for. People should know what you care about. People should be able to look at your life and see what you are passionate about. Otherwise you are just coasting. You are just existing. There’s been a lot of talk in the press about this lately. People claiming to be Christian but their words and actions don’t line up with what the Bible teaches. What if the camera was turned on you? Would your words and actions line up?
Are you living a life of fear and selfishness? Are you living a life of self-centeredness? Are you concerned about anyone else? Do you give as little as you can or do you do all that you can in every way that you can with your time, your words, and your money?
I’m going to share one of the most thought provoking statements Elyse has ever uttered. She is 10 and has been home a year. She is a very bright girl. “Mama, I think so many children are not adopted because too many people are afraid to say “yes”.”
She had me pegged. I was fearful. Fearful that this adoption would be the one that tipped the cart. Fearful that even more people would talk about how crazy we were. Fearful that I just couldn’t handle it. Fearful to put my heart on the line again.
Are you fearful? Are you afraid? I say this is a good thing. Read everything you can. Prepare yourself in every way you can. Surround yourself with supportive people, because there are always doubts about what you can handle, whether you can afford it, whether you will have the resources, what it will do to your family. No one goes into adoption thinking they have it all figured out. Everyone has moments of doubt or worry or at least they should. You can know God is calling and step out in faith and still have fear. We are only human.
Having a family and belonging is a beautiful thing. It’s something we all want – to be loved for who we are. We want to belong, to have roots, to have a safe place to fall, and somewhere to call home. Sometimes when you adopt it works like it did with Liam. It makes no sense that a 5 year old would understand what family means, but he seems to. He ran to us and hasn’t looked back. His foster mom prepared him well. She seemed more like a teacher who was training him and getting him ready for his life. It felt like a graduation when he left as she said, “Go and be happy!”
Liam’s adoption day was wonderful but it’s not always that simple. Sometimes you show up and the child is raging. Sometimes when you show up the child is so shut down you aren’t sure you can ever reach them. That is where we are with JJ. She’s been hurt. She’s seen friend after friend be adopted and she wasn’t chosen. She has obviously been told that she has very little worth. She hides in public. She won’t look in a mirror. Her little head hangs low and she won’t talk. Does that mean that this adoption was wrong? NO! Should I be upset and have my feelings hurt because she isn’t instantly throwing herself at me and saying she loves me? Not at all. Why?
BECAUSE IT’S NOT ABOUT ME!!!!!
I believe with all my heart that if a child was in your front yard you would do everything you could to make sure that child was safe. You wouldn’t be wondering what is in it for you. You wouldn’t be mad they didn’t instantly love you because you were helping them. You would just help. It’s easy to ignore a hurting child when they are just a faceless number. It is much harder once you see their face and it is darn near impossible once you hold them in your arms.
I can’t tell you when is the right time to adopt. I can’t tell you if you are honestly being called. I can’t tell you it will be easy. I can’t tell you that you won’t have to make some changes in your life.
But what I can tell you is that if God is calling, He will make a way. I can tell you that money shouldn’t stop you because God provides in miraculous ways. I’ve seen it happen too many times to say it isn’t true. I can tell you that once you give up your comfortable life you will be changed and blessed in ways you couldn’t even imagine. I can tell you that the hard is worth it. That every child is worth it. That sleepless nights and rages while they come to believe this is real, the testing limits as they learn, and tears spilled over the unfairness of it all, is worth it. I can tell you that watching someone blossom with love and caring is a miraculous thing.
I’ve thought long and hard about what I want you to consider about adoption. If you truly feel you are being called to adopt, but fear or some other excuse is holding you back. I want you to consider this. Truly picture it. This is what I do when I consider my actions. Our minds are too often centered on worldly things and ideals but this is not our true or final home. Picture yourself on the day of your death, as you stand before God, and He asks you why you didn’t proceed when He laid the thought of adoption on your heart. Look Him in the face and utter your excuse, whatever it may be…
We don’t have the room in our house.
We don’t have the money.
I don’t want to hurt our family.
I am afraid.
I am too old.
I’ve already lost friends and family over adopting.
Our life is comfortable and I don’t want to mess it up.
I’ve already done enough.
I am tired.
If you have been thinking about adoption for a long time and can stand before God and utter your excuse, whatever it may be, and have peace with it, then fine BUT if your excuse doesn’t ring true, then maybe you already have your answer.
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So Many Thoughts
I’m going to give writing a blog post on my phone a try. At the rate this is going with all my typing errors, you can look for this post sometime mid-June.
This adoption trip has been interesting and one might say almost fun. It’s been the most vacation-like of any of our our trips. The first trip in 2012, was so nerve wracking, mainly because we had no clue what we were doing. Plus, Dan got food poisoning on that trip so we didn’t do a lot of sightseeing. We just hunkered down in the hotel room.
The second trip, when we adopted four at once and three were much sicker than we thought, was a strap yourself in for the ride and hope you get home safe, kind of a trip. Plus, whenever we went out people were beyond unkind to Jasmine. They yelled things at her, they spit at her, and everytime we went out we had to form a circle of protection around her to keep people away. Even going to the buffet was a nightmare. We had very nice servers who would save her a spot behind a wall so that no one could see or her yell things at her while she ate. Her province was the worst for this type of behavior. It got a little better once we got to the China Hotel in Guangzhou where there were lots of adoptive families but it still wasn’t good when we ventured outside the hotel.
Elyse and Max’s trip was fairly simple except that Max had no idea how to NOT get into everything and Elyse spent most of the first part of her trip trying to figure out how to call her foster grandma. In a room with many breakables and buttons to push, Max didn’t make it very relaxing. It’s hard to toddler proof a room when your toddler is 6. Plus, Dan wasn’t able to travel with me that trip.
This trip, Mr. Charming readily accepted us as his parents after his foster mama told him goodbye and to go and be happy. He ran to us saying mama and baba and has had very few tears during this trip. He adores his baba and has said the word “baba” (daddy) at least a 1,000 times. He’s only cried when we went back to offices to do paperwork. We were told by his teacher that he is fearful of being taken back because his friend was disrupted and he also cried when I held a baby at one of LWB’s healing homes.
Dan and I are on LWB’s board of directors and we were so happy to see the healing homes in action. I had my heart stolen by quite a few of those sweet babies and especially sweet little Christine! I was so happy to hear that she has a family in progress. I can’t say enough good things about the nannies in these homes.
All in all William has done extremely well. He smiles most of the time. He says “thank you and hello and good morning” to almost everyone he meets. He says it in both English and Chinese. He is sweet and sensitive and a great little boy. The fact that he has waited almost 6 years to be adopted blows my mind. He is so smart and cute and so able to do anything he puts his mind to. He already knows all his siblings names (no small feat), has learned many English words and corrected my Chinese, and says he wants to be a doctor. I can’t help but have my heart hurt for his bio parents who let him go, probably to get him the medical care he needed. It seems so unfair that I get to have this treasure as a son and they can not.
Jessica has been a bit of a different story. Our little girl has obviously been hurt. She does not like adults and especially men. She had spent time in the hospital alone. She’s been through surgery alone. She’s been isolated away from the other kids in the orphanage. She came to me and let me hold her but it was more like she had no choice than she wanted to. It’s going to take a lot of time to heal her heart and calm her fears.
That being said, by the time we went to the orphanage for a visit four days after we had met her she wouldn’t go to anyone there. She was upset when I had to hand her off to have her foley cath changed. She came back to me and there was a disagreement between the orphanage staff and Dan. They had the right size foley but the wrong size connecting tubing. They wanted us to hand her to the physician who wanted to take her to the hospital to get the right tubing. He said he would be back in an hour. Dan, who is a physician, said it made no sense because it didn’t matter that the tubing was a smidge bigger and he wouldn’t allow it. They disagreed and were completely disgusted with us for refusing. Dan was not about to allow anyone to take our girl again. I do not believe we will be welcomed back there any time soon.
By the time we went to meet the director before leaving the building, she was so quiet. They asked her to lunch about 10 times. They tried hard to talk her into it but she kept refusing. We left the decision up to her and by the time she got to the van she was worn out emotionally. She laid her little head on my chest and fell asleep. It was a turning point and a step in the right direction because she knew she has a voice with us and we would protect her.
We’ve slowly made progress with her. She will say “xie xie mama” (thank you mama) to me when I hand her items and when I say “wo ai ni” (I love you) she shakes her head yes now. When I pick her up first thing in the morning she forgets to be afraid and lays her little head on my shoulder and hugs me. Then it’s almost like she remembers she is suppose to be afraid and lifts up her little head. But it’s those moments when I know there is hope.
She’s amazing with Liam (William) though. She is the big sister even though he outweighs her by a good 15 pounds. She talks to him non-stop. They laugh and giggle and play all day long. They are already true siblings and we’ve caught them doing the “don’t copy me” game which seems to be universal. It was pretty funny. He kisses her and she pats his hands. She encourages him and tells him to finish his dinner and to throw away his papers. Liam has been good for her. God knew what He was doing. This trip would have been much harder for Little Miss had she been adopted alone.
Seeing her with Liam (William) lets me know that she will be fine with the kiddos. She likes kids. She loves to mother Liam. She will be loved and will fit in just fine. I have no concerns about that.
We head home Friday and I can’t wait. I miss my babies so much. I am so thankful for technology. Skype, Whatsap, and FaceTime have saved the day!
I will warn anyone and everyone to be prepared to have your socks charmed off by the little guy. He’s so easy to love, everyone comments on it. They also can’t believe we’ve only had him with us for 2 weeks.
My other warning is for adults with regard to Jessica. Please give JJ her space. Don’t try to pick her up, even though she’s little and cute. Don’t get upset when she won’t talk to you or look you in the eye. It’s not personal. Right now she needs time to know that adults are ok. She needs to feel safe and protected and we are going to insure that she has that.
I’m happy we were called to adopt again. These two precious souls are amazing and I am feeling overwhelmed by this gift that I don’t deserve. Blessings beyond measure for being obedient to the call. The sheer thought of this brings me to my knees.
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Jessica and William
Hello! Cassie again (tired of me yet?)
Mom and Dad have Jessica, and she is precious. Her orphanage loved her, they really did. They sent her with money, her stroller, clothes, and a backpack full of toys. They also made Mom and Dad promise to bring Jessica to the orphanage so they could say goodbye. As you can tell by her face, she was hesitant at first…
This is her timid face. Her disposition instantly turns to this sweet face as soon as she is unsure of the situation.
She made daddy work for her attention; she really wasn’t sure what to do with him. Give him an hour, some chips, and a backpack full of pretty things, and his daddy powers won her over. 🙂
Little one is tiny!! Her orphanage called her “little one” instead of her Chinese name. This is her compared to my mom’s standard-sized backpack…
and her little shoe next to a Coke can.
Even Liam got in on the glamour and glitter. A little lip gloss goes a long way…
As you can see, she loved Daddy’s bracelets!!!
Liam and Jessica have bonded quickly. The Kindle has movies on it, and Big Hero 6 seems to be a favorite.
Liam loves to draw; he was super excited to see Maisey drawing on one of our Skype calls.
Daddy made a fort, and they’ve spend all their cuddle times in there.
Sweet babies… We can’t wait for you to get home and see just how loved you are…. 😀
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We’re Almost to JJ!
Cassie, again. It is Monday morning in China, and my parents will soon be on their way to get Jessica. Their guide has met her, and says she is an absolute doll. She says that she is sweet, kind, and loves to take care of the babies. I think she’ll fit in pretty well. 🙂
Mr
. William is doing splendidly. He loves to play and dance and draw. When we were skyping, he got very excited when he saw that Mei Mei was drawing too! I don’t think he’s going to have any problems fitting in here. 🙂 The kids are all excited, and I constantly hear about all the things that Liam is going to do with them.Jasmine and Elyse made Jessica a video for Mom and Dad to show her this afternoon. I don’t remember everything they said, but there are about 15 “I/We love you”s and “Mama and Baba will keep you safe and love you” and “we can’t wait for you to get to America!” I thought you would enjoy. 🙂
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William!!
Cassie, here. I didn’t realize that I was supposed to be posting…. oops! So, quick upload with some cute pictures. 😉
William is settling in great. He’s been happy and giggly the whole time. He fully recognizes that Mom and Dad are HIS mama and baba. He loves having a family, and seems to be adjusting very well. He loves Hot Wheels, the Kindle, and Big Hero 6.
Here are a few pictures to hold you over until I get a post from Mom. Make sure you check out the facebook group for all the updates!
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ONE MORE DAY!!!!!
As we get ready to leave, I am thinking and feeling many things. I am nervous to meet our new children. William has known for a little bit that we are coming so hopefully he will be a little prepared. I am not so sure with Jessica. I have heard that her orphanage often doesn’t tell them until the day they leave for the Registration Office. Hopefully, with all the mamas that have been taking her picture for her new parents, she understands what is happening. Friends of ours e-mailed our family picture to the orphanage so hopefully she knows what we look like too.
I love the new pictures we got of Jessica.
These children are so brave. They will leave everything they have ever known and trust us to take care of them. Can you imagine leaving with people who look different than you, who speak a different language, and trying to make sense of it all? Every time it has been different. Mostly it has gone well and for that we are thankful. We have been amazed at how quickly they have come to us and settled in. There are a whole lot of reasons for this and some of those reasons break my heart but I am happy they feel safe with Dan and I.
It is really hard to show up at that Registration Office and meet your new child, who you have loved for months and months, but they don’t know you and they might not necessarily like you. That is to be expected. They don’t know you. It’s hard to put yourself on the line and put your feelings aside. It’s hard not to take things personally. You are tired and nervous and anxious and so many other emotions. You’ve traveled 15 hours in a cramped plane. You’ve waited so long and it’s almost here. You haven’t slept well. The day when you meet is emotionally draining. It’s a hard day on everyone’s hearts. It starts early in the morning as you wait to go. By the time you get to the office you are a bundle of nerves. You don’t want to scare them but you want to hold them and let them know how much you love them. To this day I can not watch videos of those meetings without crying. It takes me right back to that moment.
I was thinking about all the emotions I have been feeling and thought it would be fun to find out how the kids are feeling. I asked them one simple question. As mommy and daddy get ready to leave to get Jessica and William, how are you feeling.
CASSIE – I’m just hoping everyone stays in one piece while you are gone. I can’t wait to see the little guys!
HOPE – Help me! Hurry home!
JASMINE – I feel so happy that you are going to get my sister and brother but I feel sad because I will miss mommy and daddy. I’m so excited to finally see them.
GRACIE – Ahhhhhhh….. I’m so happy that you are going to get my sister and my brother. I want Jessica and William to be happy and know that their family loves them.
ELYSE – I feel so good that you are getting Jessica and William. I’m a little bit stressed because I just want mama and daddy to come home. I hope that William and Jessica like us. Thank you so much for getting my sister and brother.
BENJAMIN – So excited to get William and Jessica. I’m really happy because you are going to be home as quick as soon. Everybody loves William and Jessica.
Max – (thumbs up)
MAISEY – I’m so excited. I will miss you.
EVIE – Sad because I will miss mommy and daddy. I so excited to get them. They are going to play with me!
ELI – I want you to get my buddy William. I want to play with Jessica even though she not a boy. I miss you.
I think the consensus is we are supposed to hurry home! I couldn’t agree more. I just want to have us all together under one roof.
Remember if you are on Facebook you can follow along on our family page, Seriously Bless by Adoption!
Please pray for their little hearts as they adjust to their new lives.
We will be updating soon.
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Shock and Awe
Dan and I have often discussed the differences in having a biological child who has a disability or illness and adopting a child that does.
With Codey and Kyle, I spent most of the first year in shock. Watching your child take their last breath as you hold them in your arms will do that to you. And there is nothing like standing there with the ground open and your husband carrying a little white casket to that hole in the ground, to change your life. It will rip your heart right out of your chest and you will wonder how you will ever make it through another day.
As the days in the hospital turned into weeks, and weeks into months which lead to over a year, dreams slowly faded away. I went through times of sadness and mourning over all Codey wouldn’t do. Just when I would think I had a handle on my feelings, another milestone would come up and my heart would break again. At one, he couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk, and was still in the hospital. We celebrated there in his ICU room with a cake and family and a news crew filmed it all.
When he turned five, I mourned the fact that he wouldn’t go to kindergarten. I mourned that he wouldn’t make friends and go to birthday parties. I cried tears over the steps he would never take and the games he would never play.
As time went by, I settled into a routine. Life seemed normal and then another milestone would remind me that life was anything but normal. When he turned fourteen, it was not being able to get a permit. Sixteen was the driver’s license and dating. Eighteen was graduation. Then there was not going to college, not getting married, not having children of his own.
Codey would always be a little boy in a man’s body. The pain wasn’t over what his life was. Codey is, for the most part, a very happy boy. He has a family that loves him. He has his room and his toys that he loves. He enjoys football and basketball games. He has changed everything about who I am and how I see the world.
My pain was not over what Codey couldn’t do, I knew before he turned five that he would never do these things. My pain was mostly because I still had these dreams in my head of what it was supposed to be like. I was supposed to have two little, blonde haired boys. They were supposed to be best friends. They were supposed to play football and baseball and cause messes. They were supposed to run together in the backyard and bring in critters that would make me scream. They were supposed to grow up and have families of their own.
Sometime during that first year or so, I received a poem about Holland written by Emily Perl Kingsley. I remember the first time I read that poem and I thought, “Well, isn’t that nice. I’m just supposed to be happy about Holland. Well, I’ll get right on that.” (Insert sarcasm here!) It wasn’t that easy. I had dreams and hopes and plans and none of them included a trip to Holland, but as time went on I realized they were right. I had to quit mourning Italy and keep my eyes on the beauty of Holland. The shock of not being in Italy slowly wore off and the awe over the beauty of Holland slowly emerged.
So what had changed? Codey didn’t change. Our circumstances hadn’t changed. We were still broke and Codey was still not going to do what I had dreamed he would. So what was it? It was me. It was my heart. I was no longer bitter and angry over what I felt had been taken from me; instead, I decided to be thankful for all that had been given to me. The glass is the same whether I see it as half empty or half full. The glass never changed, but I had.
Which brings us to adopting special needs children. When you know what the cognitive, physical disability, or illness is and you choose it, you know right away that this is the way it is going to be. You buy books to educate yourself. You find a support network. You don’t have to go through that mourning period where nothing is what you had dreamed. You actually purchased the ticket to go directly to Holland. You weren’t expecting a different destination. You are right where you were chose to be. You can get off that plane and actually be excited to have your feet land on the ground in Holland.
I can say that I have learned to love the slower paced life of Holland. I have learned to appreciate and stand in awe of all that our children do. All those normal daily things that are so easy to just take for granted. I found myself actually celebrating the little things like holding a spoon in your hand for the first time, the ability to run and play, the first word spoken even if it is at three years of age. Being able to put a shirt on by themselves. Being able to write their name. Living past their first, second, and third birthday. .
These are things to be celebrated. I learned that just because these are things we take for granted, they are NOT little things. A child’s smile, a child’s hug, a first step, these aren’t things to be overlooked or expected, these are things to be celebrated! A child’s worth isn’t based on what they can accomplish.
If we instead measure a life by lives and hearts changed, then our children’s worth is immeasurable. Dan and my heart have been forever changed. Our eyes have been opened to what matters. Time has slowed down. I don’t rush to and through things. I try to walk and enjoy the journey. I’m not worried about trivial things. I appreciate the little things, the joys we miss while we are busy waiting for that thing that will make us happy – school done, the perfect vacation, getting married, finding the right career, retirement. I have learned to not wish my life away waiting for something to make me happy. You learn pretty quickly not to wish days away when you aren’t sure there will be another one.
The truth is there are many other things that Codey will never do. He won’t lie. He won’t cheat. He won’t judge you for the things you say or do. He won’t make you feel less than. How many of us can say that? How many of us can say our words have never hurt another person?
You can say I have on rose colored glasses or a PollyAnna attitude, I won’t take offense because, the truth is, I do. I choose to be happy. I choose to enjoy my children’s lives. I choose to wake up thankful that I get to do it all again – the monotony, the diaper changes, the g-tube feedings, the teaching the same thing over and over again, all of it. Every day is a choice. For the longest time, I refused to be happy in this place I found myself and now I thank God daily that this is where my life took me.
Every day I wake up to the most beautiful, joy-filled faces and I know, beyond any doubt, that I am blessed. I am in awe of this life I get to live. I am in awe of these little souls that I have been entrusted with.
A life of worth isn’t measured in the money made, the titles held, or what you take; a life of worth is measured in the lives you touch, the love you give, and the difference you make.
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National Heart Month
Today is our day to share on the 28 Days of Hearts blog. We’ve shared for a couple of years now. I love reading through the stories of faith, love, and adoption. Day 6 is the story of Rachel, who waited 3 years for a heart. Rachel got her heart and is living life to the fullest. Jamie does a great job every year putting these together. I promise these stories will move you.
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Why Our Large Family is NOT Our Own Little Orphanage
I have heard the comment “Wow! You are starting your own little orphanage/group home” more times than I care to count. I’m still surprised people can think this, let alone even say it out loud. Maybe they are just trying to be funny. Maybe they are just saying the first words that pop into their heads. I’m not sure, but what I do know is that we aren’t the only family hearing these words. Many other mamas have stated the same thing. I have to chalk it up to someone not having a clue what life in an institution is truly like because if they had ever stepped a foot into an orphanage then they couldn’t say those words and be serious.
I have had people tell me that they can’t even handle their two children so how can we possibly do this? I have heard that there is no way I can have enough time for all of my children. I have heard there is no way I can give them the care they each need. It’s not like I close my ears to the negative or that I haven’t asked myself the same questions. I’m not delusional nor do I believe that I am superwoman. I do, however, know where my strength comes from and I truly believe most people could do more. I choose to try to be selfless not because I’m a martyr but because I truly LOVE my life. I am blessed!!! Those aren’t just words I utter because I want to somehow sound good to others.
Can life be hard? Absolutely! Can it seem overwhelming? Yep! Is it hard on your heart somedays? Yes! Trauma is not a pretty thing. What it does to little hearts is hard to take somedays. Adoption isn’t a walk in the park. If you think it’s gonna be a breeze and you will have no issues because your little one was adopted early, then you will have a rude awakening.
Institutional life is hard on a child. They are limited in food. The fact that they live in a facility means that their lives started by loss. They aren’t taught the basic life lessons we teach our child. They are left to raise themselves. They get very little one on one time and they have no sense of family or belonging and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
As we prepare to leave to adopt Jessica and William in 15 days, the middles won’t let the topic of adopting again drop. I laugh and tell them that we haven’t even adopted these two yet.
We don’t have a clue what it is going to be like when we get home. We don’t know just how sick Jessica is. It’s scary waiting, knowing that something as simple as a UTI could lead to sepsis and death for her.
But the girls talk about all the children who wait. The girls pray for the children ready to age out and cry tears knowing what this means for this child. It’s one thing to be an able bodied child left to fend for yourself, if you have a disability, your future is so uncertain. I could not let them see the advocacy sites and not let them know of the children who need prayer BUT I won’t. Too many people pretend it isn’t happening. Too many people go about their days without giving the orphan crisis a thought. Too many people say it’s just too hard on their hearts. I won’t be the one to tell my girls that this burden they feel isn’t worth their time.
These girls dream of a day when Jasmine’s Dream comes true – “A family for every child.”
I will continue to pray with the girls and have big, ugly cryfests with them. I will continue to post and share posts of others. We will donate when we can. We will encourage those who are adopting. We will be the hands and feet of Christ in as many ways as we can because we know just how important it is. We will help families stay together when possible and we will advocate for those who long for a forever family.
Elyse dreams of building a castle where we have a 100 bedrooms. She talks of all the children feeling loved and cared for. When I say, “Adopting 100 children would mean less time for each child.” She reminds me that having a family is a beautiful thing and knowing you belong and have some where to call home is priceless. She then says, “How about 20 then?” Although she tells me that I could love 100 children or more and this fact is true, there is no limit on how many children your heart can love.
She drew me this picture at her last doctor’s appointment.
I would think that if our children felt that our family was too big, they wouldn’t talk so much of adopting again. They love their siblings and they know how important family is. They eagerly wait for the day William and Jessica will be home. They talk about all the things they will do with them, where they will sleep, how they can figure out what their favorite foods are.
After talking with Elyse and Jasmine on numerous occasions, we decided to make a list of how family is not like an orphanage. Here are a few of the reasons we came up with that our large family is NOT like our own little orphanage.
1. Our children will never go to bed without being tucked in and told how much they are loved.
2. Our children will never spend a day hungry.
3. Our children will spend their days getting hugged, kissed, and told over and over again how much we love them.
4. Our children’s last name will not mean orphan or tell which orphanage they are from.
5. Our children will always have a place to call home and family to come home to.
6. Our children will get the medical and dental care that they so desperately need.
7. Our children will not be defined by their disabilities, feel less than, nor will they be made fun of for having a disability.
8. Our children will be helped to be the best them they can be. We will support them and encourage them in every way possible.
9. Our children will be allowed the privilege of going to school.
10. Our children will never hear the words worthless or unadoptable again.
11. Our children will have someone to run to for comfort when they are feeling physical or emotional pain.
12. Our children will know that they are loved, cherished, wanted, and part of our family FOREVER!
Family is a beautiful thing. May we never take that for granted. May we continue to remember and pray for those who want nothing more than a family to call their own.
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