What can I say?

Date: 2012.03.06 | Category: Adoption | Response: 0

Well, if you truly know me you know I can say a lot.   I do like to talk.  I try not to ramble, but it doesn’t always work.

Today I feel blessed beyond any measure that I deserve.  Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement.  Thank you for all the offers to help the kids.  Thank you for taking the time to let us all know that you care.  I really, really, really appreciate it as does the rest of the family.

Thank you so much!  There is no pity in our house tonight.  Feeling nothing but BLESSED!  Thanks to all of you!

So close…

Date: 2012.03.06 | Category: Family Life | Response: 0

So close to leaving.  15 hours and counting.  Going to go file taxes.  That ought to keep my mind off it for a little bit.  🙂

Girls are going back and forth between hysterical giggling & talking a hundred miles an hour, to tears and asking me not to go because they will miss me too much.

Everyone wants us all to be together.  They can’t wait to meet their brother and sister.   Everyone is anxious for the day, but 2 weeks seems like an eternity – which is funny considering it’s been a year of waiting.

I’m praying for a safe trip for us and for my children at home to be safe & happy until we are all together again.

2 more days

Date: 2012.03.04 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey | Response: 0

We are so close to being able to leave.  I am so ready to hold them.  I hope they are ready for some major mommying.  Dan has been praying for their peace all year.  He prays that God will let them dream about us so they will not be afraid.  I love that Dan thinks about these things.  He continues to melt my heart in ways I think aren’t even possible.  I have loved him for 30 years now.  Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love him any more, I do.  I am so blessed to be able to go on this adventure with him.  The director of the adoption agency called it “joyful chaos”.   We shall soon depart on a joyful chaos adventure.

My worst fear during this past year has been that Benjamin would not make it through the year and I would not get the chance to hold him.  All I want is a chance to shower him with love, to hold him tight, and  to let him know just how much his little life means.  These fears have been there in the back of my mind. I can’t really say that I am worried.  I know God is in control.  I know God’s timing is perfect.  I know God’s plan is perfect.  But all things work together for good does not mean it will automatically turn out good.   My comfort at this time, is I know that no matter what happens I can go get him.  No matter what I can hold him.  We are just days away.  I know how very sick he is, but we are so close.  His last medical report states that he hasn’t grown at all in the last year, but he has held on so long and is such a little fighter.  I will be able to hold him in just 8 more days.  My heart can hardly stand it.

Little Maisey, what a sweetheart!  I love that picture of her that we posted earlier.  I can’t wait to see her run and laugh.  I can’t wait for the day when we get to see if she can get hearing aids.  I’m fine no matter what happens, but I want to be able to give her a chance at hearing.  I want to see her do her first sign.  I want to show her just how wonderful she is.   I want to put her in pigtails, to dance around the room with her, to feel her little head on my shoulder, and her hand in my hand.  I want to shower her with my love and tell her about God’s love.

I hope people can see just how much Dan and I love them already.  I have had so many people look at me like I am crazy.  I’ve had people say, “You know you could be getting close to an empty house right now.”  In reality, that is not the truth because God willing I will never place Codey in a home.  Besides God lead me to my babies and I can’t turn my back on them now.  It would be like taking one of my others kids to China and just leaving them there.  Not even a possibility.  My heart already overflows with the love I have for them and I have yet to touch their sweet faces.  Waiting is so hard.  Every hour just seems to drag by.  I don’t want to leave my other kids, but at the same time I’m so ready to travel.

I am so very blessed to be able to call these little ones mine.  I love the way God works.  I love the way He can place a picture in front of you and “BAM” your heart is overflowing with love for a child you haven’t even met.  It is the strangest thing and so hard to explain.  God works in ways that are miraculous and mysterious.  I’ve been thinking about Kyle a lot and what God taught me with his death.  Kyle only lived 5 days but his death changed my life in ways that are immeasurable.  He taught me to never take a moment for granted because you don’t know how many moments you have.  He taught me to not hold grudges and to forgive.  He made heaven very real and death not so scary.  He taught me that there is nothing more important than family.   He taught me that no matter how much it hurts,  in time you will heal.  He taught me how to truly have relationship with Christ.   He gave me courage to love, even in the face of death, and that courage allowed me to love Hope and Benjamin.

Please pray for peace for my babies – both here and there.  Cassie will be posting the pictures I send her and any information that she has on this site.  Only 2 more days…..

Songs that have touched my heart…

Date: 2012.03.03 | Category: Adoption | Response: 0

Be there soon…

Date: 2012.03.03 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey | Response: 0

Here’s a thought that will make you want to hug your daughters even tighter and thank the Lord that we live in the U.S.A.  I was on a conference call about our trip to China and they were talking about the opportunities we were giving our children. They were thanking us for giving these children with special needs a family.  He was talking about how hard it is for girls in China, but especially hard for girls with disabilities.  He said they almost never get married and usually end up in prostitution.  Have I mentioned lately that I just want to go get my children?  4 more days until we leave.  10 more days until they are legally my children – in reality they have been for a year now….China just hasn’t agreed until now. 🙂

I’m so excited (music playing)…

Date: 2012.03.01 | Category: Benjamin, Maisey | Response: 0

Guess what?!?!?!? I GET TO HOLD MY KIDS IN 11 DAYS!!!!!!! Yes, I’m happy! Yes, I’m saying my words rather loudly. I actually cried when I read the date. My itinerary says – meet with nanny to get your child(ren) on March 12th.

My Special Children

Date: 2012.03.01 | Category: Family Life | Response: 0

I’ve been thinking about this lately.  I post about Gracie, Hope, Codey, Benjamin & Maisey.  I talk a lot about how Kyle’s death affected me.  The truth is I have two other very special children,  Zachary and Cassandra.  Zach and Cassie are exceptional in so many ways.  I was further reminded by an article I read last night.  http://shelby-utica.patch.com/blog_posts/dont-forget-about-mebeing-a-special-needs-sibling   I try my hardest to be there for them and to show them just how special they are. But the reality is they’ve had to grow up watching some pretty hard stuff.  They’ve been there when we’ve called 911.  They know how to do tube feedings.  They understand p.t. and o.t.  They’ve sat through countless doctor appointments and hospital stays.  Their lives have been anything but normal, but I think that is what has made them so exceptional.  I remember people commenting because I wouldn’t let them join the sibling support group at the hospital.  They went one time, but they came home talking about how everyone sat around and complained about how hard it was to have a special needs sibling.  I couldn’t let them do that.  One, because we couldn’t change what Codey’s reality was and two, because what you tell yourself over and over again becomes your reality. If I wake up every morning saying I hate my life, I will hate my life.  They were allowed to be frustrated.  They were allowed to complain, but then we discussed what it was like to be Codey and how privileged they were to have their health and the ability to dream and be whatever they chose to be.

I know it’s hard to feel like you are in the shadows.  To feel like what you do isn’t as important as someone else or that you don’t matter enough.  Believe me I know.   The kids and I have had discussions about what it is like when everyone always talks about their siblings and their dad.  We have talked about how funny it is when Dan is interviewed and I’m always listed as the wife.  We joke that at least they get their names in the paper or magazine.  I’m married to a man who gets e-mails asking for advice from Turkey, Columbia, China, etc.  Who’s been asked to talk all around the world.  He has a book, writes articles, and most of all saves babies lives (with the help of God).  He has an amazing job and an amazing gift.  I have been at places where people have walked up to him and said, “You are THAT Dan!?!?”  It’s the most hilarious thing because it embarrasses him to no end.  I love that Dan does his work because he wants to make the lives of babies better not because he wants glory or fame.  He tells me constantly that he couldn’t do it without me, but it’s hard when people ask you if you are ever going back to school to do something with your life.  It’s funny because to me I always wanted to be a teacher or a nurse and I get to be both to the most amazing group of kids ever.  I feel like I have done something with my life.

So today, I will talk about my third born.  Zachary is very bright (like score a 24 on his ACT in 6th grade kind of smart), sweet and kind. The kind of boy who always takes a moment to be with his siblings. The kind of boy who would give up working at EA Sports in Florida to come home and be with his new siblings.  How many 23 year olds do you know that would do that?  Codey grabs him the minute he sees him to say, “Drive, drive hurry.”  because Zach will take him for a ride.  He throws Codey in the car and off they go.  Zach’s only concern when we had Gracie?  That she wouldn’t know him because he was going to college.  He lived near home and drove daily for 4 years to get his degree at Iowa State University in Ames.  He did that because he knows what is important in this life. Gracie and him are extra close to this day for just that reason.  That is not to say he didn’t hang out with friends and spend weekends gaming with his buddies.  He’s still a boy, but he’s just a good kid. He has always put God first and then his family.  Zach has many good qualities but the one I love the most is his love of God.  He just trusts in God’s plan.  He always has.  One of my favorite moments with him was him sitting beside me on the step to our kitchen in our old trailer.  I had just miscarried and I was so sad.  I just sat there weeping with a 3 year old holding my hand.  He hugged me and kissed me.  He then told me how God had a plan and that I just needed to trust it.  I remember calling Dan and crying because my 3 year old was being more mature than I was.  Zach has his faults as we all do, but he is a man of integrity and honor (MOIH).  We have talked about it since he was little and he has grown into that man today.  I love him so.  I couldn’t have even dreamed of a better son.

Cassandra is joy. There is no other way to describe her over-the-top bubbliness.  She is just plain joy.  She has always been the child who lives in the moment.  She is happy.  She will thank you excitedly for the smallest of gifts.  She has become one of my very best friends.  I love that she still wants to snuggle up and watch a movie with me.  That she will still sit and hold my hand.  We never had that angry teenage daughter/mother stuff.  She has always been a sweet soul.   She gets grief for telling people that “We are adopting.”   They always say “Your parents are adopting.”  But the truth of the matter is WE are all adopting.  If Cassie and Zach hadn’t been on board, we would have had to really consider whether it was right or not.  Dan and I are getting close to 50.  We are bringing 2 more special needs children into our family.  If Cassie hadn’t said that she was willing to parent them if something happened to us, I don’t know what we would have done.  But she was more than willing.  She is so excited about Benjamin and Maisey.  She is a girl with a great big heart.  She tries to do what is best.  She tries to follow God and where He is leading her even when the decisions are hard.  She had to make a really big decision when she was almost a senior.  It was what she believed was right, but it got blown out of proportion and she lost a lot of friends.  She has to deal with the gossip from her decisions to this day, but she does it with grace.  I love that about her.  I can almost guarantee that in high school I would have never had the courage to do what I believed God was telling me to do if it was going to cause discord.  I’m amazed at her strength of character.  She has been criticized many times for being too happy.  I love that about her.  If the most you can ever say wrong about my little girl is that she is too happy, well, then she will have done well.  She is sweet, caring and compassionate.  She is beautiful inside and out.  I love that about her.  I used to dream of one day having a little girl.  She is so much more than I ever dreamed.  And just in case you don’t know, on top of being sweet beyond belief and beautiful, the girl is smart as a whip too.  She won a Belin Blank award for scoring in the top 5% of the ACT too.  🙂

Hope

Date: 2012.02.28 | Category: Hope | Response: 0

I went to bed the other night thinking more about all the things that have happened with Hope.  I thought I’d put a few of them in writing in this blog, most of them have been written in her journal already, but it’s fun to look back at all the things that had to happen for her to be part of our lives.

For Hope to have come to the U of I Hospitals, was in itself amazing.  Her parents were from the South.  They came to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, to deliver her.  I, to this day, do not know why.  The pre-adoptive parents were from the east coast so why did her biological parents not go to the east coast?   A few weeks before she was due, the pre-adoptive parents asked for another ultrasound to be done.  Had they not asked for another ultrasound, Hope would have delivered in Cedar Rapids.  She would have gone to live with her pre-adoptive parents.  They did the ultrasound and found her heart defect.  The pre-adoptive parents said they would not proceed with her adoption. I remember Dan saying it was ironic because where the pre-adoptive parents came from was one of the best hospitals that did HLHS repair.  Hope was brought to the University of Iowa Hospital for delivery.  Dan heard the story and is moved by it.  The biological mother has decided she will deliver but will abandon the baby and refuses to do the surgery.  The surgery is risky, odds are 50/50 at this time and for that reason the hospital is not required to do the surgery.  The options presented to parents when their baby is born with HLHS are: 1) to not treat, 2) the three-step repair surgery, or 3) a heart transplant.  Dan cannot stand for Hope to be alone at the hospital and to die without a family so he decided to talk to me about bringing her home.   We’ve been through Kyle’s death.  We knew what to expect.  We figured we could handle this and this little girl deserves a family who loves her.  No one should be alone when they die.

For Dan to have been in the unit was a miracle in itself.  Codey had to have his shunt repaired earlier in the month.  Your rotations are for a month when you are doing your fellowship.  You are either in the unit or you are doing research.  Dan would not have been in the unit, had he not had to make up for missing a couple days because of Codey’s surgery.  Since Dan would not have been in the unit, he would not have heard about Hope.   He did hear her story, fell in love and he talked to me.  He refused to let me see the baby until I had time to pray and contemplate . Dan knows how much I love babies and once I saw her I would not be making a decision based on facts or what God is saying or what was best for our family.

We decided to talk to the kids to get their opinions.  Zach,who was 10, felt that no baby should die alone and without a name.  Cassie, who is 6, had always wanted a baby sister.  She is ecstatic about the prospect of having a sister.  She got on her knees and begged for this sister, who may only live a couple of weeks, but Kyle was her brother and she doesn’t even know him, but someday she will be with him forever, so this little girl will be her sister forever too, even if she only lives a couple of days, and really she has always wanted a sister so plllleeeeaaaassseeeee can we have her?  (If you know Cassie, you know that is exactly how she talks when excited.  It’s one big, long run-on sentence. I don’t have a clue where she gets it from. lol)   I was blown away by my kids reactions.  Dan talked to social worker, nurses, and physicians many of whom think we may have lost our minds and weren’t afraid to give Dan their opinion.  He put everything into motion.  Because Hope was so sick they talked directly to the mother to get permission for us to take Hope home.  Her biological mom seems relieved that we want her baby.  We started making plans to take Hope home.

After praying about Hope, asking God whether this will be too hard on our kids, deciding that we can do this, and setting things in motion, the cardiac surgeon comes up to us and says that he will do everything in his power to get her through surgery if we want to try.  We take this as a sign from God and we decide if we’ve come this far, we should at least give her a chance at life.   We decide to proceed with the surgery and adoption.  We talk to the social worker again.  We find a lawyer.  I can’t even remember how.  We file the papers.  Time is of the essence because once they stop the prostaglandin, Hope’s PDA will close and she will start to die.  A judge rules that the 6 month waiting period can be waived so that we can get her on our insurance. We have a quick home study. Everything is proceeding which, having gone through what we have gone through with Benjamin & Maisey’s adoption, is a miracle in itself.

We found out it will cost close to $10,000 to adopt her.  We obviously don’t have $10,000.  We were barely able to scrap by on what Dan made working at the hospital. Fellows are paid better than residents but it’s still not a lot.  We had $120,000 in school loans, a car that barely worked and had to pay $1,200 for a 3 bedroom house – gotta love those college towns.  We started to pray for help knowing if this is truly what God wanted, He would provide.   We got a credit card offer in the mail, we took this as a sign and applied for it, believing the whole time that no one would be crazy enough to give us that much credit.  They gave us a $10,000 limit.  Who gives a $10,000 limit to poor people with huge debt?  We paid for Hope with a credit card and on June 29, 1999, she legally became our daughter.

Hope’s first surgery, when she was 3 weeks old, was complicated.  She came out of surgery with her chest still open, a thin, transparent sheet covering it.  What an amazing sight, to see your daughter’s heart beating in her chest. It was completely and utterly unbelievable and amazing, but just take my word for it – no need to see for yourself.  Her heart rate went through the roof.  The doctors can’t get it below 200.  They told us that she can’t last for long like this.  They wanted to try an experimental drug.  Dan says okay but he is going to do some more research on it and headed to the library.  We prayed and prayed and prayed.  They gave the medicine and nothing happened.  They can’t figure out why.   They gave the medicine again and nothing happened.  Dan came back after hitting the computers and said he didn’t want her to get the medicine, it’s experimental and he thinks there may be other alternatives to try.  The nurse said they’ve already given two doses and nothing has changed.  They can’t figure out what has happened. The nurse comes in later to change Hope’s tubing, feels Hope’s bed, it is all wet.  The medicine has drained out onto her bed.  Hope never got the medicine.  I remember the nurse’s face when she was telling Dan that something was wrong with the hub and Hope didn’t get the medicine.  In the meantime, there is an alternative found, they tried it and her heart rate came down.  There were great risks involved with the experimental medicine and somehow Hope did not get the medicine.  I don’t know why it happened, but I love that it happened.

I remember being so sad and just wanted to know that it would be okay.  I had been through this before with Codey.  He didn’t even leave the hospital until he was 14 months old and then it was only for a few days.  He was so sick and for so long.  I don’t know how many times we have heard that he was going to die.  How many times we called family for them to come down because this would be his last day. He was on a vent for years, trached until he was 5.  Dan and I cared for him at home. We had nurses for a while, but that lasted only a year or so because of different things that happened.  I think about that a lot.  Who lets parents with no medical experience take home a child home who is that sick?  With Codey, we were asked time and time again if we wanted to withdraw support.  How can you withdraw support on a child who is lying there playing and kicking and smiling? I remember thinking all the time about Kyle being on a ventilator.  He died with every possible thing being done for him.  I knew that if God wanted to take Codey, He would take him home. I didn’t want that to be my responsibility. I didn’t want to make that decision. I didn’t want to question whether what I did was right or wrong forever. I knew what that decision was like for parents because there was a boy in the unit that had been sick for a long time and those parents withdrew support.  I pray for that mother to this day and I think about that little boy all the time.  Dan even had his name engraved inside a ring – their story touched us that much.  I know that everything is on God’s time.  They told us Codey probably wouldn’t live past a year and he will turn 25 this year.  Only God knows the number of days any of us have.

Anyway, back to Hope, I remember sitting in my friend’s driveway with Zach and Cassie.  I was praying for Hope again, she was just a few days old.  Talking to them about what was going on.  I joked that I just wished God could tell me that it was going to be okay.  If I could just have that confirmation, I could go through anything.  We all laughed and I got ready to back out of the drive.  As I started the car, the radio came on and played “everything’s going to be all right, rock-a-bye“.  We all just stared at each other.  I know people talk about coincidences, I prefer to call them Godcidences.

Hope had her 2nd surgery when she was 8 months old.  She was supposed to be in surgery from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.  She ended up getting out of surgery at 6:15 p.m.  They ended up keeping her in circulatory arrest for much longer than was recommended, over an hour.  They had a hard time getting through all the scar tissue, there was a lot of bleeding, and other issues that arose.  It was a very scary time.  They kept her paralyzed for quite a while after surgery because they were worried about seizures.  Dr. Chris stayed by her bedside.  She came through it all fine.  What a fighter she was, which leads us years later to the next story.

When Hope was 4, we were driving down the road and she proceeded to tell us a story about dancing with a boy named Kyle.  We thought she was talking about a boy from home school tumbling who was one of her teachers.  She said, “No mommy! My brother Kyle”.  She told Zach, Cassie and I a beautiful story about when she was a baby and was lying on a table, and Kyle came to dance with her.  Kyle told her that everything was going to be okay and to not be afraid.  I tried to remember then if we had even talked to her about Kyle.  If you ask her today, she will tell you that she doesn’t remember the story.  If you ask Zach, Cassie & I, we can recall it vividly.  What a day that was.  I realize there is no proof that this can happen, but she was arrested for over an hour and who knows?  As a mother, I like the thought that Kyle was there for her.

When Hope is 3, her heart surgeon is going to move to Canada.  He doesn’t want anyone else doing Hope’s surgery because he knows what he did to start with and what he’ll see when he opens her up.  He asks us if we are willing to do it early so he can finish what he has started.  God is in all things because he did not let Dr. Chris forget her.  We’ve had many doctors move.  It’s not uncommon in a teaching hospital.  The most we ever got when they moved, was a letter in the mail.  I love that God kept her on Dr. Chris’ heart.  She did remarkably well.

We go to the U for all Hope’s medical care.  She had to have heart catherizations from time to time.  Her cardiologist was moving and we were to meet her new doctor.  Dr. D.  We were nervous because we had had the same cardiologist for a long time.  Dr. D heard Hope’s story from her previous cardiologist and decides to take Hope’s information with him to a nationwide cardiology conference where he presented her information.  This is all before he has even had an appointment with us.   He presented her case (a broken stent in her left pulmonary artery) to his colleagues and they decided what course of action he should take.  She got the very best advice from the very best cardiologists across the nation.  Why would he do that for a patient he had yet to even meet?

We discuss Benjamin’s case with this same doctor.  He tells us while he was in New York he worked on a couple of cases like this.  He says it’s an unusual case because most of these kids, who are born in the US, get it fixed right away and are completely healed.  He has, however, worked on a couple of kids who were adopted with the same defect as Benjamin.   He says he won’t be able to fix Benji, but he can buy him some time, maybe even 10 years.  We have the utmost respect and trust for this doctor.  How a doctor from New York ends up in Iowa, and has worked on cases like Benjamin’s, I don’t know, but I thank God every day that Dr. D is here.

These are just a few of the things that have happened in Hope’s short little life.  God is at work in the big and the little things.  Trust in His plan.  Trust that all things work together for good….not that all things are good.  I am honored that He would see fit for me to see these things while I am still on this earth.  I can’t imagine how many more will become clear to me when I hit heaven’s gates.   I’m sure I will hit my knees thanking Him for coming to my rescue and praising Him for all the things my finite mind couldn’t even comprehend or missed completely and didn’t see while I was living.  I am truly blown away at the many blessings I have received and the things that have worked out for the best when I thought it wasn’t even possible.

Faith of a child…

Date: 2012.02.26 | Category: Family Life | Response: 0

We heard the song by Sidewalk Prophets called “You Can Have Me” yesterday and Gracie started singing.  She stopped to ask me, “Does that mean to leave everything and follow Jesus?”  I said, “Yes!” and she went back to singing with the song.  I must say there is nothing better than hearing a 6 year old belt out a song from 107.1.  When the song was over I asked her, “What would you do if Jesus asked you to follow him?”  She asked, “Would that mean I had to leave my family and everything?”  I said, “Yes!  Benjamin, Maisey, all of us.”  She said, “Well, of course, I would follow Him if He asked me to.  I have all of eternity to be with my family.”    The faith of a child is an amazing thing.  I would like to think I would say that, but I’m not 100% certain and I don’t like that at all.

Today in church Pastor talked about taking up the cross.  Luke 9:23     Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

I have been pondering this a lot lately.  I do a few things right, but I do so many things wrong.  So many of the choices I make are made by the world’s standards.  I’ve dealt with these conflicting thoughts a lot.

Forgiveness. People who have hurt me – I have forgiven.  That one is easy to understand.  Christ forgave me for my sins – who would I be to not forgive others.  Before you say, some things are easier to forgive than others, believe me I’ve had horrible things happen.  I get that!  It’s taken me years to talk about being molested as a child.  I somehow thought that the act reflected poorly on me.  No one talked about it as I was growing up and I felt shame.  It wasn’t until Cassie was 10 (the same age I was when it happened) that I was able to say, “I was just a child!” and forgive myself.  The light bulb moment  in my healing was when I realized that sin is sin and just as Christ died for my sins, Christ died for his sins.  I forgave and I healed.  It didn’t make it right, but I was able to turn it over to God and let it go.

God’s grace.  I can understand that one.  I try to implement it.  I often tell the story of running into a lady with my cart at Wal-mart right after Kyle died.  She was so angry with me.  I said I was sorry and sat there and cried.  She must have thought I was crazy. I didn’t even see her. I was so caught up in my grief and my thoughts.  I think of that often when someone cuts me off in traffic.  Are they on their way to the hospital?  Are they grieving?  Did they even see me?  Some days it’s easier to do than others, but I try. God’s grace is giving us what we don’t deserve.  During this time of lent, do that for others. Give up what you want for Christ, but also honor Him by giving what He has given you – grace and forgiveness.

Faith & trust.  Believe me.   God has tested me on this one over and over again.  I can honestly say I’ve pretty much got it now.  That’s not to say I don’t get nervous or worry, but it doesn’t last.  Codey was still in the hospital when I found out I was pregnant with Zach and it was not planned.  God knew what He was doing, but I was so fearful.  I miscarried right before Cassie – that was hard to handle because I had sworn I’d never get pregnant again.  That’s a lot coming from a girl who once believed she wanted 12 kids.  Then came Cassie and being monitored the whole pregnancy.  Hope’s story – full of trust & faith.  Then Gracie, felt it to my core that God was telling me to have another child,  fertility doctor said he could do the tubal reversal but the odds of getting pregnant were slim – something like less than 20%.  I was 40, tubes had been tied 12 years, but I had the utmost faith if God was truly wanting me to get pregnant, then I would.  The very first month I was blessed with Grace.  I have never been so full of trust and faith in a loving God then I was while I was pregnant with her.  Then came her emergency delivery, I had a vessel rupture and they just happened to catch it at a routine ultrasound.  God was in control. I’ve been asked numerous times why I’m not upset – like when they said they were sending me for a bone marrow biopsy for Grace.  The doctor took me into the hall to ask me if I understood what he was saying?  He was worried because I hadn’t fallen apart.  How can you not have faith and trust in a God that has showed himself to you so many times?  God’s plan is perfect.  God’s timing is perfect.  God is holy and God is love.  God loved Gracie before me.  His plan for her is perfect.

But taking up the cross and following Jesus, what does that really mean?   Does that mean giving up all worldly things.  Is any t.v. ok?  How much money is okay to spend on frivolous things?  How much is enough to give?  I know I can do more, but what is enough?  Does any of us know?  These are the thoughts I’m pondering.  I know I do so much less than many and a little more than some, but God is placing this on my heart more and more.  In the immediate future He is leading me to China, but I anxiously await where He leads me next.  Praying that I too can have the  faith of a child.

Spring Cleaning

Date: 2012.02.25 | Category: Family Life | Response: 0

Working on the kids room and it is so cute.  Well, cute if you’re 2 & 4.  🙂   I hope they like it.  In the middle of going through old boxes, I found a box of old bills from when Codey was in the hospital.  Wow!  They start in 1987.  You should see the bill printed for 4/30/87 to 1/13/88.  I don’t even want to know how much paper was wasted printing off his bills.  I decided to shred them.  I’m not even sure why I have them still.  In the midst of all the bills was a letter from Methodist about me not paying my bill.  The boys were covered the minute they were born, but because they were 3 months early my delivery wasn’t covered.  1 more month and it all would have been covered, but because I was early Life flight and the delivery weren’t covered.  I remember getting the letter because I cried so hard and then I just sat on the floor and laughed.  It was for $4,500 & they told me they had given me ample time to pay for it because they had waited 4 months.  There was also a letter stating that we couldn’t hold the bill paying $5 a month.  How hilarious is that? How long would that have taken to pay off at $5/month.  They told us we could apply for financial aid if we thought we qualified.  We had both quit our jobs and we were living in the Ronald McDonald house trying to figure out what to do with our lives.  Needless, to say with no income, we qualified for help.  I thank God for insurance and for financial aid.

So many memories came flooding back as I was going through his bills.  Having to leave Codey, who was so sick, and drive Kyle to the funeral home.  We couldn’t afford for them to come pick him up so we drove him up to Fort Dodge.  My mom & Linda with me, sitting there pathetically, holding the shell of my little boy – wishing I could do anything to change it. The chaplain told me that I should take him and that I wouldn’t regret it and she was right.  I remember having to hand him over to the funeral home director.  Having to pick out a little, white casket.  I was so afraid Codey would die while we were gone.  That was such a hard decision – do you stay with your son who is so ill and might die or do you drive 90 minutes away and bury your son?  I don’t know why I’m writing about it.  Maybe because the memory is so fresh and I don’t think I’ve ever put these words in writing.  I journal for the kids, but I don’t often do it for myself.  I don’t remember much about the funeral, except Dan.  I remember him walking to the back of the hearse and picking up the casket and carrying it to the gravesite.  Dan had never been to a funeral before and had never heard of pall bearers.  I carried Kyle to the funeral home and Dan carried him to the grave.  I suppose it was fitting.

Linda recently found a typed up paper of what Dan read at the funeral.  I remember thinking how brave he was standing there and talking about Kyle. I won’t type the whole thing because it’s pretty long and it just restates what was going on with the boys and me.  I had gotten pretty sick after the delivery and he had all 3 of us to worry about.  Here’s what he said…The Lord has a plan for each of our lives.  These plans all come together to form one big overall plan.  These plans are all interrelated and interconnected so that a change in one results in a change in all.  As short as little Kyle’s life was, he was alive for a reason; actually, for very many reasons.  He was here to show us not to give up no matter how bad things are or how many things we have going against us.  He was here to show us how much love we have to give.  He gave my life a purpose and when his little brother is old enough to understand it will give purpose and meaning to his life too.  His death showed us not to waste a moment of life, but to cherish it for the precious thing it is.  It will affect everyone in some way, but there’s one thing I want to make clear.  He was here to make our lives better not worse.  If you let his death affect you in a negative way, then his life will have been wasted.  The Lord is watching over him now, and when the Lord call us home we will have our baby boy there to greet us.  His life can be best summed up by Job 1:21  and said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb and naked shall I return thither; the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.