Archive for the ‘Family Life’ Category
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A Weekend to Remember
So many things went wrong that weekend and yet Cassie & Reece’s wedding and reception were beautiful.
Elyse ended up in the ER on Saturday night. We got home at 4:30 a.m. I slept from 5 to 8 and started getting ready. I would have slept longer but Lainey rarely ever sleeps past 5:30 and the fact that she went back to sleep from 5 to 8 had to be a gift from God.
As the day went on we continued to season the meat and get the other items all ready for the nacho bar at the reception. Zach picked up the cake at 11:30 and got lunch for the kids. We had to have all the tables and our supplies to the reception area at 1, which was the earliest we could get in to set up. I laced up Cassie at 1:30. I then ran home to start getting the kids ready because we had to be back to the church for pictures at 3:45. I realized as we were packing up all the food in the coolers that there was no way I was going to be able to drop off the food and still get to the church on time for pictures. Dan and Zach headed to the reception area to drop off the food and crock pots, etc.
At this point they still had Cassie’s backdrop for the wedding in their van. She wanted really simple decorations. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that. She choose book pages for “the next Chapter” in her and Reece’s life. Her back drop was two 4×8 pieces of plywood with book pages randomly mod podged all over. Reece and Cassie wanted a Bible verse across the top. Dan had the great idea to get someone to do a custom vinyl cut out. Vinyl Motivations did a great job, reasonably, and quick!
Cassie made all her flowers out of book pages. My mom made wedding flowers for many weddings when Cassie was younger. Cassie and my mom had talked about what flowers they would use for her wedding ever since Cassie was a little girl. Cassie was heartbroken over the fact that Nana couldn’t make them and she just couldn’t do what nana and her had dreamed of.
Cassie even chose a Bible with writing margins to be her guest book. She wanted her quests to share their favorite verse and for her to be reminded every time they opened their Bible how many people came to celebrate with them.
At 3:45 we were still at home loading the bus. I let Cassie know how late we were going to be. As I was driving to the church at 4, I realized there was no way I could get the food set up and be back for the ceremony. I had to call in reinforcements. At Cassie’s pre-wedding dinner, Teressa (mother of the maid of honor) had offered to help me. I called her and she said she would be there. I also called Amy, our pastor’s wife and my friend, and told her my dilemma. These two families not only showed up to take care of things but they stayed throughout the night and helped clean up. Without them we would have been eating out of coolers. They were a HUGE blessing of the day.
I had hoped to be able to be there at 5 and show them what food needed to go where and I didn’t even make that, as pictures were still going on at 5:15. These two families were such a God send. I can’t even tell you what that did for my heart to have two families step up at the very last minute and save the day.
Lainey had a reaction to the sequins on her dress and was raging and refused to be in any pictures. We forgot her formula and the snacks for the kids. All of Cassie’s bridesmaids were in the restroom dressing my children for pictures. I put a run in not one but two pairs of panty hose. Lainey refused to put her dress back on, but Cassie wanted her to be on the video, so Lainey went down the aisle in a t-shirt, shorts, and no shoes.
Dan’s mom couldn’t attend because Dan’s brother, Rod, was dying. Dan had to walk Cassie down the aisle knowing at the same time his brother could pass away at any time. It was so hard on his heart.
We had bought Cassie’s dress so long ago. At the age of 18, with no serious boyfriend, Cassie purchased her wedding dress. We had seen the dress when she was buying her Miss Iowa pageant dress. We knew the owner of the store and Cassie told her someday she would buy a dress just like that one. A few months later, when the owner decided to close the store, she called us to tell us she still had that dress and it was greatly reduced in price. We laughed about trying on a wedding dress without a wedding in the future but we did it anyway. Dan’s mom, my mom and Aunt Kay, the three ladies that always took Cassie shopping, went with her to watch her try on the dress. It was just $300 dollars and we decided it was worth the price to just let it hang in the closet for a few years. Thank God that we made that purchase because not one of those three lovely ladies, who meant so much to Cassie, were able to be at the wedding. My mom and Kay had passed away and Dan’s mom was with Rod. Cassie was filled with wonderful memories of the day she purchased the dress even though she was sad they couldn’t be with her.
When I walked into the reception, I was blown away. Cassie had chosen simple decorations for the tables because there were going to be many children at the reception. She chose black vinyl tablecloths with butcher block paper so kids could draw. There were little books to read and crayons to color with. She had crowns for them to color and wear. Although, I saw many adults wearing the crowns too. She even made her flower stems colored pencils.
Cassie and Reece’s friends guided by Reece’s sister, Bailey, had a couple of hours to decorate the reception area. They did such a wonderful job. It all looked so pretty when we walked in.
The guests showed up, there was food to eat, the dance floor and DJ were in place, and the party went off without a hitch.
Dan said it wasn’t fair that he was the only one to get to dance with Cassie so he came up with the plan that after they started the father/daughter dance, he would motion to us, and we would circle Cassie with the whole family.
Even though it was Sunday night, Reece’s friends stayed to help tear down. They packed up the 41 tables to return them. The Edwards and the Jakes stayed until the very end to help us clean up.
I asked Reece about all the guys who came to help him set up. He said that’s what they do at their church. It’s a young church. Everyone helps everyone else so when it’s your special day there is nothing to do. I like that. That is what a church should look like everyone coming together to help you celebrate and to help you when things aren’t going well. People that graciously drop whatever they are doing to step in and take up the slack and then go above and beyond and they do it all with a smile on their face.
It was a day filled with bumps and hurdles and issues that could have ruined the whole day but in the end it turned out beautifully. Reece kept saying, “We have her dress and I have my suit, today we are getting married. Everything else will be just fine.”
Isn’t that the truth though? We let little things ruin our whole day. We need to keep our eyes on the big picture. Even though there were little hurdles throughout the day, there were always friends to help us out. The day turned out beautifully!
Happy marriage Reece and Cassie! May your life be filled with many blessings and may the trials only bring you closer to God. May your journey be filled with friends, family, laughter and love!
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Happy Father’s Day
Someday I am going to get my husband to write a blog post about what it feels like to be the father of 14 children, but for now I will just write a post about my husband from my point of view. I write about the children and our adoption journey a lot. I don’t often write about Dan, mainly because he is a pretty private guy. He prayed long and hard about our blog when we decided to write about our adoption journey. He felt that the benefit of others seeing adoption first hand trumped his need to be private.
Dan and I started dating when he was 15 and I was 16. We had the usual high school romance with on again, off again issues. We got back together shortly after high school and were married when he was 19 and I just turned 20.
He decided to become a physician after the twins were born. He wanted to make a difference in the lives of babies. He wanted to change their outcomes. He didn’t want other families to go through the pain that we had gone through with the death of Kyle and the extended hospitalization of Codey.
He fulfilled that dream after 15 long years of training and has now had the perfect job for over 14 years. He is still able to do his clinical work and he also has the honor of being Clinical/Quality improvement director for a large company. This job allows him to teach others about how important it is to not only take care of the patient but to truly care about the patient.
During his fellowship, he fell in love with a little girl in his care. She had a major heart defect and her pre-adoptive parents had backed out. Her biological mom had decided not to treat and Dan was left with the task of stopping her treatment. He couldn’t do it. That is the kind of man he is. I love that about him. I will forever remember his call and how my heart felt when he said he had bought this baby some booties and stuffed animals because her little bed looked so bare. Little did we know where this journey would lead.
Sixteen years later and she is a thriving healthy teenager.
A few years later, we added Gracie. Our family was complete or so we thought.
One of my favorite family pictures!
People often talk about reluctant husbands in the adoption world. In our family, I was the reluctant one. I was the one dragging my feet because I was unsure about adopting at the age of 45. Dan felt like we needed to do something about the orphan crisis. He never pressured. He just prayed. He knew if it was truly what God wanted I would agree to it.
When we set off on this journey, we thought we would adopt two. We never intended to adopt eight in three years. We were just following God’s lead. We’ve learned in our marriage that God’s plan is always best. Even when you are fearful. Even when that first step is so scary. Even when you can’t possibly see how it could work. It is always best to follow God’s lead.
Our children have instantly known that they were safe. It’s my favorite thing about the day when we first met them. Every one of our children has gone to him. Ben grabbed on and never let go. Ben’s first word was daddy.
Ben and daddy
Dan gets down to their level and they know it’s going to be ok.
Our children have a safe shoulder to lie on…
Someone who will be there with them no matter what…
Someone to be silly with…
Strong arms to keep them safe…
A lap that will hold one or two…
or more…
Someone to celebrate the big moments…
and little moments with…
A hand to hold…
Someone to help you when you can’t quite reach…
We’ve been through a lot together. Dan is not just my husband. He is my best friend. Many would consider the life we have lived as hard or unlucky but we both know we are blessed. Blessed to have met so young. Blessed to have so many little blessings that we get to wake up to each day. Blessed to have a child who waits for us on the other side. Blessed to have the hope of forever. Blessed to have had 30 years.
It is Dan who has taught me the life lessons that have helped me most.
When I was young and hurting and afraid to trust. It was Dan who reminded me that I have the choice to wake up every morning expecting bad things to happen or to trust in his love. Those words allowed me to trust God and God’s love for me. It was Dan who showed me what a true relationship with Christ is. It was Dan who taught me that life is all about perspective. I can decide to be grateful or I can be bitter and angry and never appreciate anything.
We chose to date when we were young. We chose to stay together when things were tough. The death of a child is hard on many marriages.
We sealed the deal in China when we put our names on our lock on the great wall. (The idea is that you have to break the lock to end your relationship and China is a long ways away.)
Every day I get to see Dan in action. He loves his children. He would do anything for his children. He keeps them safe and provides for them. He isn’t perfect, none of us are, but his heart is always in the right place.
I am blessed to have walked this journey with this man. Our family has changed a lot in the last three years. Not many men would sign up for this, but I am blessed that Dan knows what is truly important. He knows that life isn’t about the things you can acquire. It’s about figuring out the plan God has for you and using your gifts to the best of your abilities. Time and time again Dan has followed God’s lead where others would never go. He has said “why not?” even when he had hundreds of reasons to say no and my life has been forever blessed by those words.
Happy Father’s Day Dan! We all love you so much!
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Choices
A day of pain from missing my mom.
A day of immeasurable joy.
A day I hope I will always remember.
A day I wish I could forget.
A beautiful, loving, wonderful day – the best Mother’s Day ever.
A horrible, rotten, “wish I had never gotten out of bed” day.
That is what my Mother’s Day was.
I had both ends of the spectrum.
I was surrounded by my children and beautiful words were written especially by my husband.
“This is Dan, adding a post on Mother’s Day. I’m always amazed by the strength of mothers. In my work, I see so many moms that are so committed and devoted to their fragile children. The love warms your heart and gives you hope for the future.
And then I look at Lisa, and I see that girl that I have loved since I was 15. I remember all the pain we have gone through with our children, the crushing grip of death, broken dreams and the scars of abuse. I see the sacrifices that she so willingly makes – day after day, night after night. Putting her family first – always teaching, healing, loving, and caring. Never too tired, always ready to give – never because she “has to” but always because she “wants to”. She has been pushed to her limit and beyond during the past few years. Discovering the depth of the trauma that some of our kids experienced in China, grieving the loss of her own mom. These things don’t get better. But she just keeps “showing up” and giving all of our sweet children exactly what they need – a mom who loves them unconditionally and completely.
Our kids are seriously blessed to have Lisa as their mom and I am seriously blessed to be her husband. Thank you to all the moms out there that keep “showing up” and giving your kids that most precious gift – a mother’s love.”
Isn’t that what life is though? Tough and beautiful all at the same time? I wanted to wake up to a clean house. I wanted to not have to do anything. I wanted breakfast in bed after 8 straight beautiful hours of sleep. My expectations were not met. My house wasn’t magically clean when I woke up. I didn’t get 8 hours of straight sleep. (Although, Lainey was gracious enough to give me 5 straight.) I didn’t get breakfast in bed, but instead was up hours before anyone else getting ready for “my” day.
Choice – Be happy about 5 hours or be bitter about not getting to sleep in.
I will admit the foot stomping two year old in me was there for a moment. My day wasn’t going according to my plans and I was as cranky, but then I took a moment, opened my eyes, and looked around. I saw my beautiful, hand-drawn pictures from all my kiddos. I saw flowers in vases, some that were purchased and some that were hand picked. I was given some beautiful notes written in my Mother’s Day book. (Last year the Cassie started a journal where ever child writes something on a page for Mother’s Day. It’s a beautiful keepsake.) Elyse reminded me again how happy she was to just be able to say the words “Happy Mother’s Day” to her very own mama.
As the day went on, Cassie made a wonderful birthday lunch for Max with all his favorites. We played outdoors where the kids ran for hours in grass that was way too long because it needed to be cut, but the lawn mower had been broken. Reece had the great idea to cut a winding path in the grass and the kids ran for hours on this path. Something that had been driving me crazy all week, extra long grass, ended up being the most fun ever for the littles. The ran and ran and ran around the path. They were so joyful.
Choice – to fret about unmown grass and all the other things left undone or to fully enjoy the moment in the sunshine with my blessings.
The night took a turn for the worse when Jasmine started acting out again. Every once in a while she has a really hard time. Every once in a while she turns into a child that you would never recognize. The things she says are hurtful and mean. She lashes out and none of it makes much sense. Children who have spent most of their lives in an institution act out for the strangest reasons and sometimes it is hard to figure it out right away. Why is she lashing out? Is it because she is remembering her grandma or grieving her lost mother? Why won’t she just tell me why she is hurting? When they won’t open up it makes life hard. You want to scream. You want to return the favor with some harsh words of your own, but you can’t.
You remind her daily that she has a choice to be happy or sad. No one is responsible for her happiness. She has a choice to find her purpose and live life fully or watch it pass her by. She has the choice to trust God and His plan. She has the choice to make the world a better place or to make those around her miserable. She has the choice to discuss what is going on. She has the choice to love her family and participate or sit on the sidelines. She has the choice to trust us or live in fear.
She has a choice and so do I.
Choice – to let the few hours of discontent ruin my day or to keep the right perspective and remember all the blessings I have had throughout the day.
Choices! We all make them every day some intentionally and some by default. Not choosing is in itself a choice. I have the choice to respond in anger and discipline or I can teach. Jasmine has not been taught how to process the pain. Jasmine has not been taught what to do with her anger. She is much like a toddler – acting out, throwing words around, stomping her feet. Would I expect a toddler to reason with me and work through her problems. NO!!! I remind myself that daily with Jasmine.
Choice – to show grace and loving correction and teachings or angry words and discipline.
Love is a choice. God tells us that in His word. He wants us to be content. He wants us to choose joy. He wants us to love our neighbor and pray for those who persecute us. None of these things are easy but we always have that choice. We can choose to see our lives any way we wish. We can dwell on every negative thing that ever happens or we can see the beauty in each and every day that we have been gifted.
Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing ever goes exactly as we have planned. Nothing ever lives up to our dreams and preconceptions. My daughter recently wrote a blog called ” My Own Little Holland“. If you have ever read the poem called “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Kingsley (which is included in my daughter’s blog post), you will understand what I am talking about. If you spend the rest of your life upset that you didn’t get to Italy, you will never fully appreciate living in Holland.
Choice – to be angry, bitter, upset about all that I can not control or to remember each and every day that I am truly seriously blessed to be allowed to parent these beautiful children and to hear the word mama a hundred times every day in my own little Holland.
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At the feet of Jesus
This past weekend was particularly tough and it got me to thinking about some things. I have been told that I have on rose-colored glasses or that I portray a romanticized version of adoption. I don’t believe that is the case. What I do believe is that I have a realistic vision of what I think adoption is going to be like. It is a fight for the soul. It is coming back from a horrible place. If someone writes something beautiful that a rape victim or a cancer survivor or a veteran goes through, that doesn’t automatically diminish in someone’s mind what those people previously went through. I just assume everyone understands that adoption is hard. I just assume everyone understand where these children are coming from.
But then I remember where I was a few years ago. I never knew the pain these children felt. I never knew and I hate that I didn’t take the time to find out. I lived in my own little, comfortable world. So when you think about adoption, a hard life should automatically come to mind. These children live in an institution where oftentimes the ratio of care is 1 nanny to 20 children. How much one on one time to do you think these children get? There’s limited food and limited resources. Every time I have walked into an orphanage it has been deathly quiet. The building can be new or old, big or small, clean or dirty, and it is all the same – quiet. Picture any school across America. Would you expect complete quiet in the halls?
The loss of hope is palpable. My heart hurt just standing in the hallways. My heart hurt looking at the little faces that wished you were there for them. My heart hurt every time some little one uttered the words mama while holding my hand and looking up into my eyes. My heart hurt thinking of how many of those children will never know anything else but those walls.
Not every orphanage is bad. Not every orphanage has nannies that don’t care. But an institution will never be the same as having a family where there is unconditional love.
When I was younger, I believed my children were a reflection of me. I worried if they weren’t dressed right or if they acted up in public. If they memorized their Bible verses and did well in school, that meant I was doing a good job. The house being clean and my children doing exceedingly well in everything was the measuring stick for how well I was doing as a parent.
But the truth is if my child scores a 35 on the ACT and never feels in his heart the plight of the orphan, I have failed. If my child plays on a great sport’s team and walks by the hurting souls on the street, I have failed. If my child shows up to church every Sunday and never has a true relationship with Christ, then I have failed. If my child memorizes 400 Bible verses and never takes to heart the verses that tell him to care for the weak and the destitute, I have failed.
Our measuring stick should not be by worldly standards but by heavenly standards.
Now I have children that may rage in public. I have children who lash out at me with their words. I have children who are potty trained much later than most. I have a four year old who still takes a bottle. I have a deaf child who never learned how to sign potty and his sign for going to the bathroom was to drop his pants. That is not a fun public display. I have children who are older and can still act like toddlers. I just assume others know this.
So yesterday after two days of words that were said that pierced my heart, I handed my children off to my husband and went for a very long drive. I put in my Casting Crowns cd (song below) and I reminded myself that this is NOT about me. If they lash out at me, it’s not personal. It’s hard work this redeeming of souls. It’s hard work. I pretty much do something for my children from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. (Please no lectures on taking care of myself. I work out and I get out of the house. I understand the need for that.) But the day to day living and taking care of this many children with health needs takes from morning to night. I wake everyone up and give meds to 7 of my children. Just the feeding, cleaning up, and doing laundry for this many children takes a lot of time, add in school work and my day is just full. Most days I don’t care. Most days I absolutely LOVE my job. It’s rare that it is just too much. But sometimes the pain my children have gone through, the sharing of their stories, and their acting out is more than I can take.
Katie Davis says it so well – “We bend. I bend to sweep crumbs and I bend to wipe vomit and I bend to pick up little ones and wipe away tears… And at the end of these days I bend next to the bed and I ask only that I could bend more, bend lower. Because I serve a Savior who came to be a servant. He lived bent low. And bent down here is where I see His face. He lived, only to die. Could I? Die to self and just break open for love. This Savior, His one purpose to spend Himself on behalf of messy us. Will I spend myself on behalf of those in front of me? And people say, “Don’t you get tired?” and yes, I do. But I’m face to face with Jesus in the dirt, and the more I bend the harder and better and fuller this life gets. And sure, we are tired, but oh we are happy. Because bent down low is where we find fullness of Joy.”
There is great joy and beauty amidst the pain. Watching these children grow and trust and love – is a beautiful thing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard work. When celebrating with a marathon runner, no one assumes it was easy getting to the finish line. You automatically assume they worked hard to be able to run the race. I am working hard to run my race and it is the most important race any of us can do. It is a race for souls. This is Christ’s work. This is what He has called us to do. To care for the hurting and the broken. The “us” I am talking about is not just Dan and I. This “US” is the church. We are all called to care for these children.
This work is hard on the heart. I mean who wants to sign up for harsh words and no appreciation? So when I feel overwhelmed I remind myself again that it is NOT about me. It was never about me and I lay it all at the feet of Jesus.
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Why We Share Our Story
After talking with Cassie today, I decided to take a moment and tell you all why we decided to tell our family’s story through our Facebook page and our blog. Years ago after we had adopted Hope, I refused to talk about her adoption story because I felt like people would think that I was bragging about saving this child.
You see Hope’s story is amazing. It all started when my husband, who was a fellow in neonatalogy, had a patient born with a heart defect. The preadoptive parents backed out when the doctors found the heart defect and the birth mother decided not to treat, which was one of the three options available for a child born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). Dan called me and told me he just couldn’t write the orders to discontinue support for this baby. We, as a family, decided to take her home and let her feel the love of family for as long as she lived. We had been through the death of a child and knew, with God’s help, we could do this. Not long after we had made that decision, the cardiac surgeon asked for a chance to save her life. We had been given a wonderful gift. We weren’t looking to adopt. We stepped out in fear because we felt that was what God was asking us to do. Hope is now 15 and doing very well.
But back to feeling uncomfortable telling Hope’s story. I would rarely tell anyone her story. I felt blessed that this adoption happened out of no where. I was so happy to have been given this opportunity. The way God worked out the details was unbelievable, but I still felt like people would think I was bragging. There were two conversations that we always heard if Hope’s story was mentioned. Either we heard that we were going to ruin our family and this was a stupid thing to do or we heard that we were saints.
One day, years after Hope was born, I was sitting on a bench at the Iowa State Fair. The stranger next to me started some small talk. She asked if I had any children and I said, “Yes, three boys and two girls.” She asked me their names. As soon as I said Hope’s name she smiled. She told me that she loved the name Hope. She had heard the sweetest story of a little girl with a heart defect and her church had been praying for this little girl because she had recently had surgery.
A perfect stranger had just told me Hope’s story. I took that as a sign from God that Hope’s story was being told whether I was telling it or not. I decided then and there that I had the choice to turn all the praise back to God or to keep quiet and let others do the praising.
A Facebook friend recently posted this quote. “When God answers a prayer, no matter how big or how small, we need to share it. It’s a stewardship issue. If we don’t turn the answer to prayer into praise, it may very well turn into pride. Giving testimony is the way we give God all the glory.” ~Mark Batterson, Draw the Circle
I want others to see the miracles that God has done in our lives. I have felt Him call and stepped out in fear and watched Him provide over and over again. This is why I tell our story. So others see the glory of God and understand that He calls us to care for the least of these. Adoption is just one of the ways this is possible. What is your story? What is God asking you to do? Don’t be afraid. It just might be the best thing that every happened to you.
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Hurting Hearts
It all started with tears over the fact that she didn’t want to have a tea party with Elyse and Gracie. Somehow I knew it wasn’t about the tea party. Jasmine is usually easy going. It was unusual for her to balk about something so trivial. I asked her if Elyse had said anything to upset her and she screamed, “This is boring. I don’t want to do it.”
I let her know she didn’t have to play with the other girls. I let her know that she could just sit in the room and watch them then but it would be more fun for her to participate. She still didn’t budge on her position and I left them alone in their bedroom.
About five minutes later Gracie came out saying Jasmine was sobbing. I tried to get Jasmine to talk. Cassie tried. Gracie tried. None of us had any luck. I told her I knew that there was something else going on. I asked her to e-mail me when she felt ready to talk. She told me there was nothing wrong and I gave her some more time to calm down.
The sobbing continued. We continued to try and talk to her. Jasmine yelled, “There is nothing wrong. I am NOT sad! I am NOT mad!” as the tears continued to roll down her face.
This lasted three hours.
Three hours folks and she kept insisting it was because she didn’t want to have a boring tea party.
We’ve had one other huge battle like this one and that battle was over her saying she was stupid. This was admittedly the dumbest fight ever in the history of fights. She refused to back down about saying she was stupid. I told her she knows three languages. She is doing amazing in school. She is one very bright, insightful girl and I would not let her call herself stupid. The fight continued. She yelled. She threw her pencil. She cried and cried and cried all over the fact that I refused to let her call herself stupid.
I informed her that she could either say, “I am NOT stupid or I was going to make her write it 50 times.” She still refused. I got out the paper and the pencil. She wrote her sentences but she refused to write the NOT. This part of the disagreement went on for a couple hours. I tried to let her calm down. I had Cassie talk to her. I had Dan talk to her. I had Hope talk to her. She refused to say, “I am not stupid.” and the tears continued to fall.
See we’ve been here before. I knew the fight wasn’t about the tea party just as much as the other fight wasn’t about her admitting she isn’t stupid. It was about fear. It was about having so many emotions over so many confusing thoughts that the simplest thing set her off. It was safe to be mad about a tea party. It was not safe to admit your fears.
I told her that she had to stop and calm down. I wasn’t going to argue with her. She needed a shower so I gave her time alone in the shower so she could think. She refused to talk. I had already told her she had two choices.
1.) To let me know what was really wrong.
2.) To go to bed.
She chose to go to bed. I couldn’t believe it. I gave her the options and now I had to follow through. It was 6:30 p.m. and she chose to go to bed. I gave her ten chances to change her mind. I gave her her I-pad in case she changed her mind. I told her she could let me know just a little bit at anytime and we would talk but that she wasn’t allowed to not tell me the truth. She couldn’t keep saying “I’m not mad. I’m not sad. She could ask to talk about it later but she could not keep lying to me about there being nothing wrong.”
Three hours later I get this e-mail.
“Are you sad adoption me?”
Am I sad that I adopted her? Oh my heart.
“I do wrong. Do you think I’m stupid?”
Followed by….
“If one day you do not want me, I really do not want lose the family.”
“Because I know what will become of my foture.”
And then she asked me to come to her room to talk.
It wasn’t about the tea party. It was about Elyse mentioning that the nannies told her that she could come to America and be healed. The nannies had told Jasmine the same thing. We were about six months in when Jasmine had enough English under her belt to ask us when she would get the surgery that would let her walk. We had the horrible task of letting her know that there was nothing that could be done. You can’t fix muscular dystrophy. We had to break her heart and now we were going to have to break Elyse’s. I told Jasmine not to say anything to Elyse because we haven’t seen a doctor yet. Jasmine doesn’t need to be the bearer of bad news that could wait for another day.
But all of her discussions with Elyse brought up the fears that she had before.
Jasmine told me that she was worried that she would get too heavy and I would take her back to the orphanage.
Because it has happened to her before.
Jasmine let me know that she was afraid about having her surgery on the 13th because she didn’t want to wake up in the hospital alone.
Because it has happened to her before.
Jasmine was worried that I would decide that she was no longer worth caring for.
Because it has happened before.
It wasn’t about a tea party. It was about her wanting a family. It was about her wanting to walk. It was about her wishing she could dream about one day growing up, falling in love, and having a family of her own.
I’m sharing this story today because I want other parents who have adopted or are choosing to adopt an older child to remember not to take it personally and to remember the trivial fights usually are about something much more. It’s not about wanting to eat late at night. It’s about them testing you to see if you will feed them and love them. It’s not so much about control as it is about fear. Fear that you don’t love them enough. Fear that they won’t get food. Fear that this whole family thing isn’t going to work out.
I can understand this. For years when Dan and I met, I would test him. I would push him. I would bait him. I would argue with him. Why? Because I didn’t believe someone could truly love me. My dad and my mom divorced when I was 10 and then shortly after that I was sexually abused, for a whole summer, by an older trusted friend. It played with my head and my self worth. It made me believe that men would just hurt and that I had no worth. This took place over about six months. Now imagine if your whole life had been one of not feeling loved or worthy. What if they made you believe that you are so bad that if you ever let anyone know the real you, they would return you to the orphanage? How much would you test? How much time would you need to heal?
Dan finally made me see that I could trust him and live each day happy or I could spend my whole life assuming he would leave and be miserable. I had to make the choice. These kids are in the same boat. They have to make that choice but the first couple of years are just trying to figure it out. They don’t have the language or the maturity to make that choice. It’s all about survival. If they learned to survive with manipulation, then they will manipulate. If they learned to survive by withdrawing, then they will withdraw. It takes time to let go of the fear and the anger.
So it’s up to us, the supposed grownups, to remember it has nothing to do with us. It has to do with fear and we have to remember who the author of fear is. It isn’t God. God is all about hope and redemption. Satan whispers and people doubt. Please remember that the next time you are in the heat of the moment. Take a step back. It’s not about the tea party or them loving you. It’s about fear that they will one day lose this thing that they can’t even admit that they want.
FAMILY!
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Giving Thanks 2014
We have so much to be thankful for this year.
Blessed with hearts that are healing.
Both physically, from surgery,
and emotionally, from trusting that forever really means forever…
Thankful for new additions to the family.
Thankful for hockey teams that aren’t afraid to be silly to make sick little girls smile.
Thankful for older siblings that are always willing to go the extra mile for their little siblings.
Thankful for fun new adventures.
Thankful for the things the whole family can do together.
Thankful for the ability to order anything on Amazon. (chicken feet)
Thankful for new friends from all over the U.S.
Thankful for the strong arms of a big brother.
And traditions passed on from grandfather to father.
Thankful for siblings who love each other and find comfort in each other’s company.
Thankful for God doing big things in the lives of little girl’s who touch our hearts.
Thankful for God’s comfort when those big things aren’t what you planned for.
Thankful for a soft place to fall.
Thankful for little girl’s who are making BIG progress.
Thankful for pink little toes.
Thankful for food in bulk.
Thankful for being able to travel soon (12/13) to meet our newest blessings.
Thankful for wonderful places to stay while going through surgeries.
And the blessing of being able to proclaim your faith in Christ by baptism after being saved by God’s grace.
Thankful for daughter’s who feel safe enough to blog on their own.
Here are Jasmine’s words from today on her blog. (Happy Thanksgiving)
We have so much to be thankful for this year, including our friends and family.
Happy Thanksgiving from our home to yours!
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I Do
On this date, thirty years ago, I stood in the candlelight at dusk and said “I do” to my best friend.
I often wonder what I would have said if the minister would have proceeded to list what we would go through in our first thirty years.
Do you, Lisa, take Dan to be your wedded husband?
To have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better, for worse,
through adding eight children in three years after your 46th birthday,
to constantly being busy and pulled in all directions at all times,
through stacks and stacks and stacks of paperwork,
through three trips to China,
through Dan’s 17 years of training to become a physician,
and having to move away from friends and family for years,
for richer, for poorer,
$125,000 in student loans,
through the years of not having enough money to pay the bills,
to giving up retirement until well past 70,
to giving up vacations and fancy cars, and using bonuses to pay for adoptions,
in sickness or in health,
having twins 3 months early,
through the death of a child,
through Codey’s spending the first 14 months of his life in the hospital,
through caring for a child who came home with a tracheotomy, g-tube, and on a ventilator,
through the many years spent in the hospital caring for your children,
through late nights of no sleep,
to caring for sick children forever,
to the possibility of losing five children way before it should be their time to go,
to helping little souls heal after they have had to go through more than any child should,
through too many surgeries to count,
through losing your mom, aunt Kay, Dan’s dad, Dan’s grandpa, your grandpa, Dan’s grandma, and your step-dad all in a six year span.
to never having an empty nest,
to love and to cherish ’till death do you part?
I often wonder what my twenty-year-old self would say. The twenty-year-old me set out to marry an art teacher, to live in her small town, and raise a couple of children. Obviously, we don’t want the hard in our lives. We want the comfortable, the controlled, the fun, the happy, and none of the above says fun or happy to a 20 year old. We learn that it is all about the American dream from a very early age. Work hard, make a lot of money, and live the most comfortable life that you can.
But the fifty-year-old me knows better. The fifty-year-old me knows just how blessed I am. The fifty-year-old me would run down the aisle for a chance to spend another thirty years beside her very best friend, the man who holds me up when I think I can’t go on, the man who knows God is in control and trusts God’s plan, the man who tells me every day how blessed he is to have all of us in his life.
Because the fifty-year-old me knows something the twenty and thirty-year-old me didn’t. The fifty-year-old me learned I shouldn’t live with my eyes on the world, but that my eyes should be firmly planted on eternity. I learned that I should have been listening harder to God’s call. I learned that this life isn’t all about ME. The fifty-year-old me knows what it feels like to have a front row seat to God’s miracles. The fifty-year-old me knows that those hard times have given me the gift of a closer relationship with Christ.
It has given me great joy as I’ve watched Jesus in my children’s hearts as they opened their hearts to adopt others. They didn’t fret that their new brothers and sisters might not be on this earth long, they trusted in the fact that God promises forever. They trusted in God’s plan. My children learned the precious gift, that this life isn’t about them, way before I did. They know how to give of themselves. They know that sharing their room, or their toys, or their parents time and love isn’t a bad thing. They understand being adopted into God’s family better than most people ever will. They have a firm understanding of God’s grace in ways I never did as a child.
Watching God work in our family has been an amazing gift that goes so far beyond the pain of the hard. When you are so far past what you could even consider doing on your own, you know it’s all from God. The gift of a closer walk with God is priceless.
Yep, the fifty-year-old me would happily take this journey again because it has been one amazing, wonderful, unbelievable, seriously blessed ride!
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It’s That Time of the Year Again!
The time of year when the stores are full of all the wonderful things to get students ready for school, backpacks, pencils, sharpeners, binders, and paper galore. It has been so much fun this year getting Jasmine ready. She picked out her own tablets and pencils. She helped pick out some of her curriculum books. She did everything with such enthusiasm. It’s all new and exciting to her. Jasmine has given me a new appreciation for learning. I have always been appreciative of our education system and the possibilities that lay before our children, but Jasmine has given me new eyes to see just what a blessing the gift of learning is. I wish I had the words to properly express the joy that learning brings to her.
Jasmine doesn’t take learning for granted. Many of our children tolerate education, they sometimes love it, but I do not believe they truly appreciate it like a child who has been denied it for years. Jasmine had a year of school before she was abandoned at 8 years of age. She had some schooling during the first year in the orphanage, but was then excluded from school because of her disability. She was in a wheelchair, and the schoolroom had been moved to the second floor of the orphanage. They had no easy way to get her to the second floor, so she was left out. Why they didn’t they just bring her some books or worksheets? For years, Jasmine longed to go to school. For years she dreamed of being able to learn more. For years she sat in a room in her wheelchair, knowing that just one flight of stairs away was everything she longed for.
It wasn’t until years later that Love Without Boundaries was able to get her a tutor as part of a new educational program started in her school – an LWB “Believe in Me School”. Right before we traveled to meet Jasmine, she was given the opportunity to learn English. It was such a gift and she had such joy about the opportunity. Her tutor was very kind to her and the English she learned made her initial transition much easier for her and for us.
It is such a joy watching this sweet child learn. Her brain is a sponge, and she is eagerly absorbing every bit of information we can throw at her. She is learning a new language, a new culture, and years of basic knowledge at a rapid pace – all while smiling her dazzling smile and asking for more.
With the vast amounts of trivial information we are bombarded with 24/7 – news, tweets, YouTube, Facebook, etc – we forget what a privilege it is to simply learn. We are rarely denied access to our information sources – but when the WiFi goes down, the power goes out, or you lose your cell phone – panic ensues.
Perhaps, like Jasmine, you should exercise your freedom and privilege by picking up a book and engaging in the sweet joy and privilege of learning.
As we were getting our school room ready, Jasmine asked me how long I have been homeschooling. I had to stop and think about it for a while. I first started homeschooling when Zach was in 4th grade and Cassie had just started kindergarten, which makes the grand total 17 years.
We were about half-way through Cassie’s kindergarten year when I realized that maybe my children would be better suited for schooling at their own speed at home. Zach came home talking about how bored he was and Cassie was constantly frustrated that they wouldn’t let her read chapter books and they kept making her read the little kid books. I started to question why we were paying for a Christian education only to have my kids come home and want to do more.
It wasn’t that the school was bad or lacking in what they were teaching. My children just needed something different than they were getting in school. The school just wasn’t prepared for a kindergartner that read at the eight grade level. There were no talented and gifted programs in the elementary school we started Zach in or the Christian school we transferred him to. The Christian school was a year ahead of the public school in the level they were teaching, but Zach still wanted more.
My father-in-law had been telling me for years that I could do this, but I believed all the things others were saying. My kids wouldn’t be social. Kids want to go to school. They need to be around other kids their own age. You can’t provide the same type of education that a school can. They will fall behind. They won’t be able to get into college. They will miss out on opportunities that only a school can provide. They won’t be able to play sports. The list went on and on. This list put fear in my heart and kept me from doing what I should have done for Zach in first grade.
What they don’t tell you is that schools allow dual enrollment. You can take the classes you need there. You can play sports at the school. You can take art and music. You can do your yearly testing. In our school district, you can even ask for a homeschool adviser. We have had the same homeschool adviser for over 10 years now. We love Ms. Deb, as the kids call her, she is like family. If I get stuck trying to figure out how to help my child learn a certain task, she is there to help me out. It’s much like our o.t. and p.t. and speech person. I don’t need someone to do my work, but I would be the first to admit that there are others who know more than I do. Just teach me how to do it and I will apply it. Sometimes we all need a new eye on the area we need help with.
I am so happy that we started homeschooling. It has allowed me to be flexible with our hours and the days that they attend. Every one of the children under Cassie’s age have a health issue. Homeschooling allows us to go to doctor’s appointments without missing school. It allows for surgeries. It allows for long hospital stays. It allows for no school on each child’s birthday. It allows me to be able to go slower in the areas where they need a little more work and faster in the areas where they excel. It allows me to have lots of time with each child in our unique, large family.
There is nothing like being able to call a “mommy needs to snuggle with her littles” day and just hang out and watch a movie. As long as I get the allotted number of days in and they get their work done, we are allowed to take a free day here and there.
This year we decided to do something a little different with the way the children learn. Cassie and Zach were easy to teach because they could read anything and remember it. They were the type of students that every homeschooling mom should be blessed enough to start with. Both Cassie and Zach always tested at the top of their groups and did exceedingly well on their ACTs. They had no trouble getting into college.
But the middles all learn differently. They do better with visual aids. They do better with repetition. They like to learn by songs and videos and pictures so instead of workbooks and lots and lots of reading, which Jasmine and Gracie have trouble with, we decided to go back to the old days of the one room classroom and work on some subjects together. I put together a wall in my kitchen with two boards each holding four different subjects.
On the back of each of those cards are three easy questions, for Grace and Jasmine, and three hard questions for Hope. I have a large white board that I write out the question for all three of them. They copy the question in a large binder with nine different subject dividers in it. Eight for each of the cards and graph paper for practicing writing Mandarin. It helps their penmanship. It helps them with sentence structure and the larger words that Jasmine hasn’t picked up yet. Since Hope writes quicker then the other two, Hope does an easy and a hard question. Jasmine and Grace do an easy question each day. On Thursday, they have to research a fact that we haven’t learned to share with me and then we review everything on Friday.
Dan and I decided to do things this way after sitting down and deciding what it was we wanted the children to learn. We wanted them to memorize Bible verses so they could recall God’s promises in times of need. We wanted them to be able to recall a couple of basic facts about the subjects that we felt they needed to learn. There is no way everyone remembers everything they read unless they are like Zach and Dan. (We won’t even go into that subject.) We wanted them to be proficient in Mandarin (both written and spoken) and American Sign Language. The children should be trilingual by the time they graduate. Elijah, who is two, already signs well over 100 words. The littles sit at the table and listen too. They have already started learning.
I found these chalkboards at Hobby Lobby for 90% off. It cost me only a few dollars to put it together. I had been printing off questions and figuring out my own, but we found these games called Professor Noggins. There are unlimited subjects in which to study. On the back it has three easy and three hard questions. I have added more or different questions when necessary. We found stick on chalkboards at Target that are little signs like the faith and love ones below the question boards to the larger ones that show the rules of the house.
This House Rules sign is one of my favorites. About 30 seconds after reading all the rules to the littles, Ben turned to Eli, who was whining about not being able to play with Ben’s truck, and Ben said, “It says no whining and wait your turn.” I was so happy. Maybe I won’t have to repeat the rules 100 times a day any more. 🙂
We even have the school day listed. Last year I had it on a piece of paper but Jasmine had a hard time reading it. Jasmine likes routine and order. She likes to know what is expected of her. I stuck this stick on chalkboard to the side of my computer desk. I wrote on it in silver permanent marker. Jasmine already has it memorized and I no longer have to say, “This is what you should be doing now.”
We even have a sign for daily chores and the prayer order. Everyone knows their chores, like taking out the garbage and recycling, so this chore list is for the extra things each of them need to do each day. The prayer order list is because the littles actually fight over who gets to say the prayer. They all want to be the one to give thanks for the meal and I could never seem to remember whose turn it was. This list has saved mommy lots of headaches.
Jasmine has added new energy into our homeschooling. I like the new way of doing school. Instead of running from child to child doing workbooks all day long, half of our time is spent talking about different subjects and learning together. Jasmine’s excitement has rubbed off on all of us. She has given us all new eyes on the gift that learning is. It truly is a blessing!
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere. – Chinese Proverb
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Your Epitaph
Thinking about how fast life passes by and about what I want to accomplish, about what I want my life to say, and about how fast everything can change.
About 20 years ago, I wrote a poem entitled “What Do I Want to Accomplish”. I have it hanging on my refrigerator as a reminder not to let the busyness of life take me away from what is really important. I believe you have to give thought to what you truly want your life to say. We do mission statements for our jobs, for our volunteer work, our schools even have them. I believe it is just important to have a mission statement for your family and for your own life. What do you want your life to say? What do you want your family to stand for?
In life, others will judge you for what you do, but in the end it is just between you and God. People have thought we were crazy, our family is too big, too complicated. But if you spent just a moment with my treasures you would see what I see, that they are worth every bit of the complicated and so much more. My life may be busy but having them as my children is a far cry from crazy. My life is full of love. I’ve known for a long time that my gift was working with small children. There are many ways to use that gift. I have chosen to use mine caring for children with hurting hearts and I chose to do that through adoption.
The truth is I didn’t set out to adopt for that reason. We chose to adopt because we felt God leading us to Maisey and Ben. We felt it again when we set out to adopt the next four and again this year. I didn’t set out to use my gift in that way, but I see how God’s ways are so much better than mine. I love my life. I love what He has allowed us to do. I love being a part of the big miracles of bringing them to our family. I am blessed every day to be allowed to be their mother. What a gift. What a blessing.
This morning when I opened one of my on-line devotionals, I read Os Hillman’s words “What will be written on your epitaph? How do you want people to remember you? What type of legacy will your life leave behind?”
This is exactly what I have been thinking about these past couple of days. How much thought have you given to what your life says? Your life is your biggest testimony. You can quote scripture until you are blue in the face, but if you don’t live your life with love, it is all for naught.
I challenge you today to take a couple of minutes and truly give some thought to what your life is saying, what you want to accomplish, and if you are truly living a life filled with love. Here are my words from 20 years ago – they are as pertinent to my life today as they were then. (Please be kind. I am not a professional poet.) My eyes are on the promise of forever while living in the moment of today.
“What Do I want to Accomplish?”
“What do I want to accomplish?”
plays over and over again in my head.
What do I want them to whisper about me
when I’m long gone and dead.
I want them to mention my faith
and how every year it grew.
I want them to mention the words
loving, honest, caring and true.
I don’t want sins to rule
my heart and my mind any longer.
I know though I am weak
My God is most certainly stronger.
I want to take up the cross
so why do I resist it so?
I strongly believe in God’s plan
so why can’t I just let go?
I know I should apply
God’s word to every situation.
To pass the tests He places before me
and avoid earthly temptations.
I am here to work on the log in my own eye
and not the sliver in my brothers.
I am here to worship my Lord with praise and thanksgiving,
placing Him above all others.
I am here to help the downtrodden and the poor
with gifts blessed to me at birth.
I want to stand above and not be consumed
by the things of this earth.
Father, I ask for your help.
Please give me wisdom and grace.
So I can hear “well done, faithful servant”
when I first see your face.
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