-
Hurting Hearts
It all started with tears over the fact that she didn’t want to have a tea party with Elyse and Gracie. Somehow I knew it wasn’t about the tea party. Jasmine is usually easy going. It was unusual for her to balk about something so trivial. I asked her if Elyse had said anything to upset her and she screamed, “This is boring. I don’t want to do it.”
I let her know she didn’t have to play with the other girls. I let her know that she could just sit in the room and watch them then but it would be more fun for her to participate. She still didn’t budge on her position and I left them alone in their bedroom.
About five minutes later Gracie came out saying Jasmine was sobbing. I tried to get Jasmine to talk. Cassie tried. Gracie tried. None of us had any luck. I told her I knew that there was something else going on. I asked her to e-mail me when she felt ready to talk. She told me there was nothing wrong and I gave her some more time to calm down.
The sobbing continued. We continued to try and talk to her. Jasmine yelled, “There is nothing wrong. I am NOT sad! I am NOT mad!” as the tears continued to roll down her face.
This lasted three hours.
Three hours folks and she kept insisting it was because she didn’t want to have a boring tea party.
We’ve had one other huge battle like this one and that battle was over her saying she was stupid. This was admittedly the dumbest fight ever in the history of fights. She refused to back down about saying she was stupid. I told her she knows three languages. She is doing amazing in school. She is one very bright, insightful girl and I would not let her call herself stupid. The fight continued. She yelled. She threw her pencil. She cried and cried and cried all over the fact that I refused to let her call herself stupid.
I informed her that she could either say, “I am NOT stupid or I was going to make her write it 50 times.” She still refused. I got out the paper and the pencil. She wrote her sentences but she refused to write the NOT. This part of the disagreement went on for a couple hours. I tried to let her calm down. I had Cassie talk to her. I had Dan talk to her. I had Hope talk to her. She refused to say, “I am not stupid.” and the tears continued to fall.
See we’ve been here before. I knew the fight wasn’t about the tea party just as much as the other fight wasn’t about her admitting she isn’t stupid. It was about fear. It was about having so many emotions over so many confusing thoughts that the simplest thing set her off. It was safe to be mad about a tea party. It was not safe to admit your fears.
I told her that she had to stop and calm down. I wasn’t going to argue with her. She needed a shower so I gave her time alone in the shower so she could think. She refused to talk. I had already told her she had two choices.
1.) To let me know what was really wrong.
2.) To go to bed.
She chose to go to bed. I couldn’t believe it. I gave her the options and now I had to follow through. It was 6:30 p.m. and she chose to go to bed. I gave her ten chances to change her mind. I gave her her I-pad in case she changed her mind. I told her she could let me know just a little bit at anytime and we would talk but that she wasn’t allowed to not tell me the truth. She couldn’t keep saying “I’m not mad. I’m not sad. She could ask to talk about it later but she could not keep lying to me about there being nothing wrong.”
Three hours later I get this e-mail.
“Are you sad adoption me?”
Am I sad that I adopted her? Oh my heart.
“I do wrong. Do you think I’m stupid?”
Followed by….
“If one day you do not want me, I really do not want lose the family.”
“Because I know what will become of my foture.”
And then she asked me to come to her room to talk.
It wasn’t about the tea party. It was about Elyse mentioning that the nannies told her that she could come to America and be healed. The nannies had told Jasmine the same thing. We were about six months in when Jasmine had enough English under her belt to ask us when she would get the surgery that would let her walk. We had the horrible task of letting her know that there was nothing that could be done. You can’t fix muscular dystrophy. We had to break her heart and now we were going to have to break Elyse’s. I told Jasmine not to say anything to Elyse because we haven’t seen a doctor yet. Jasmine doesn’t need to be the bearer of bad news that could wait for another day.
But all of her discussions with Elyse brought up the fears that she had before.
Jasmine told me that she was worried that she would get too heavy and I would take her back to the orphanage.
Because it has happened to her before.
Jasmine let me know that she was afraid about having her surgery on the 13th because she didn’t want to wake up in the hospital alone.
Because it has happened to her before.
Jasmine was worried that I would decide that she was no longer worth caring for.
Because it has happened before.
It wasn’t about a tea party. It was about her wanting a family. It was about her wanting to walk. It was about her wishing she could dream about one day growing up, falling in love, and having a family of her own.
I’m sharing this story today because I want other parents who have adopted or are choosing to adopt an older child to remember not to take it personally and to remember the trivial fights usually are about something much more. It’s not about wanting to eat late at night. It’s about them testing you to see if you will feed them and love them. It’s not so much about control as it is about fear. Fear that you don’t love them enough. Fear that they won’t get food. Fear that this whole family thing isn’t going to work out.
I can understand this. For years when Dan and I met, I would test him. I would push him. I would bait him. I would argue with him. Why? Because I didn’t believe someone could truly love me. My dad and my mom divorced when I was 10 and then shortly after that I was sexually abused, for a whole summer, by an older trusted friend. It played with my head and my self worth. It made me believe that men would just hurt and that I had no worth. This took place over about six months. Now imagine if your whole life had been one of not feeling loved or worthy. What if they made you believe that you are so bad that if you ever let anyone know the real you, they would return you to the orphanage? How much would you test? How much time would you need to heal?
Dan finally made me see that I could trust him and live each day happy or I could spend my whole life assuming he would leave and be miserable. I had to make the choice. These kids are in the same boat. They have to make that choice but the first couple of years are just trying to figure it out. They don’t have the language or the maturity to make that choice. It’s all about survival. If they learned to survive with manipulation, then they will manipulate. If they learned to survive by withdrawing, then they will withdraw. It takes time to let go of the fear and the anger.
So it’s up to us, the supposed grownups, to remember it has nothing to do with us. It has to do with fear and we have to remember who the author of fear is. It isn’t God. God is all about hope and redemption. Satan whispers and people doubt. Please remember that the next time you are in the heat of the moment. Take a step back. It’s not about the tea party or them loving you. It’s about fear that they will one day lose this thing that they can’t even admit that they want.
FAMILY!
