Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category
-
What Does It Mean to be Adopted by God?
For you are all sons of God through faith in Jesus Christ. Galatians 3:26 NIV
We are children of God through faith.
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. Ephesians 1:5 NLT
God has adopted us into his family.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God… Ephesians 2:8 NIV
We joyously accept being called into God’s family simply by believing in Him.
And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18 NIV
We rely on the fact that we are sons and daughters of Christ.
In fact, our future in eternity depends on it.
We live our lives quoting scripture about God’s grace.
We talk about God and refer to Him as our Father.
We talk about our brothers and sisters in Christ.
We know what adoption means.
November is National Adoption Month.
November 2nd was Orphan Sunday.
The one day of the year that most churches talk about caring for the orphan.
This month is meant to bring awareness to the need to adopt.
But as Christians shouldn’t we already be aware?
Do we really need a day in November to talk about orphan care?
Does there really need to be a month to raise awareness about adoption?
James 1:27 is pretty clear.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:
to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
To look after orphans…
It isn’t a suggestion.
God has COMMANDED us to care FOR the orphan, not just ABOUT the orphan.
We should all be doing our part.
We should support families so they stay intact.
We should come along side those that are adopting.
We should sponsor children.
We should foster.
We should do respite care.
We should help pay for needed surgeries.
We should provide medicine, food, and clean water.
We should educate others and talk about it in our daily lives.
It shouldn’t be one day or one month out of the year.
We are called to help the needy and the poor.
We are called to help the orphan and the widow.
Adoption has been called the visible gospel.
What better testimony is there?
When we care for others, we are the hands and feet of Christ.
“My friends, adoption is redemption.
It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous.
Buying back lives costs so much.
When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him.” – Derek Loux
Christ paid the ultimate price for us.
But we claim no time, no money, not being called.
We close our eyes, but the truth is…
We have no excuse.
We know what adoption means.
The need is great.
What will you do?
What will you say when you one day stand before Christ?
How will you answer “What did you do FOR the least of these?”
-
We LOVE Pink!
We got the wonderful news Tuesday that we could head home.
7 days post-op from open heart surgery and she was ready to go.
She was ready in two seconds flat with her cape, sparkly boots, phone, and purse with all her critters.
Dr. Marx came to say goodbye and to let us know how pleased he was with her recovery.
She could barely contain the giggles in the elevator.
Everyone thought she was very stylish!
We said our prayers before we took off.
She was so happy to be home with the other littles.
And the middles…
And the bigs were happy too. Although I did not take any pictures to prove this fact.
It’s hard to tell which little is the happiest to have her home.
Trying to get a picture with Lainey proved to be quite the challenge.
After 2 1/2 years of having little blue ones in the house, the surgeries are done and everyone is PINK!
WE LOVE THE COLOR PINK! It looks pretty good on our Evie Faith!
We have been so blessed through the past year with all your prayers. It started with Evie’s heart cath in August of last year, we had four more heart catherizations and three more open heart surgeries. Each one of the kids did unbelievably well. With each of the last three surgeries, the kids were discharged on post op day 7. Have I told you how much I love the number 7? Here is the definition for the number 7 in the Bible.
Seven is the number of completeness and perfection (both physical and spiritual).
Seems pretty appropriate for these little ones who are healing emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Thank you again for every prayer said, every word of encouragement uttered, and for standing with us during this busy, busy year. We can not possibly put into words how much it meant.
Praise be to God!
We are indeed seriously blessed!!!
-
Just when I thought I’d heard it all.
I have blogged a few times about what people have said to us on this adoption journey. I wrote about the Top 10 Questions. Later, I wrote another post about the Questions we’ve been asked. And most recently I wrote a blog about the Four Types of People we have met.
I have heard “Boy, you have your hands full.” so many times when I’m out shopping, that I have considered, whenever I am out with the kids, wearing a t-shirt that says, “If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart.”
Believe it or not…
Yes, I know how it happens.
Yes, I have time to play with everyone.
Yes, they are happy.
Yes, they like each other.
Yes, they are loved.
Yes, I am blessed.
I know that I am not the only person who hears these things. You-tube is full of funny videos about just this thing. This Christmas video is one of my favorites. Believe it or not we have been asked each and every one of these questions. Although, I don’t think Cassie would approve of the very first answer. 🙂
There are many, many blogs talking about this very subject. I know it doesn’t just happen to me. I know most people don’t mean anything by it. I answer politely and with grace as often as possible. I can sometimes be blunt when I think it will make a better point to help someone remember not to judge in the future. For example, when we were flying to Boston for her surgery, Evie asked if she could have a Coke. I told her yes and when they were handing out drinks I asked the flight attendant for a Coke for Evie. She asked me if I was really going to give Evie a Coke. Lots of times I just smile and let things go. But this time she just stared at me with the most obnoxious look on her face and I thought I needed to say something. I informed her that I was indeed going to give Evie a Coke. I also told her that Evie was having open heart surgery on Monday and I wasn’t sure if she was going to live or not so today I was okay with her having a Coke.
I honestly do try to answer politely. I try to keep a smile on my face. I know most people are just trying to be funny. I know most people don’t mean anything by it. I have even practiced responses to lots of the usual questions so I am better prepared to answer, but sometimes I get asked a question that just throws me for a loop.
It happened on this trip. She asked this question right after she had just asked about all of our children. I thought she was truly interested.
“Do you think you might have done something wrong in a previous life to deserve this?”
How do you even answer that? There aren’t any one or two sentence answers that are going to properly answer it.
No, I never think that. I honestly often wonder how I got to be so lucky? Why am I so blessed? Why do I get to parent these beautiful children? It has never crossed my mind that God might be punishing me.
It’s all about perspective I guess.
All I know is Seriously Blessed is the name of my blog for a reason.
-
Traveling with Evie
There’s an amazing thing that happens when we are traveling and in the hospital. We are presented time and time again with the opportunity to share our adoption story, this is especially true when you travel with Evie. We like to joke that Evie may have half a heart but God gave her double the personality. She is social. She is a greeter. She says “Hi!” to everyone she meets. She is just a beautiful soul. She notices everyone from the lady sitting by herself on the bench to the little girl in the hot pink wheelchair in the gift shop who everyone else just walked by. Evie saw her. Evie said hello to her and blew her a kiss. The grandmother even mentioned how most little kids are afraid of this little girl, but not Evie.
Today we had the pre-op appointment getting ready for her Fontan surgery bright and early Monday morning. All day long she has been practicing saying “How are you?”. It just cracks me up. She told the x-ray tech that she was sorry she cried. She even thanked the phlebotomist for her owie.
The adoption talk starts when people say how cute she is, how social she is, and then they ask if she has any brothers or sisters. When I say that she has 13 siblings, there are a variety of ways people respond. You can usually tell within one or two questions which group they will fall into.
“The Skeptic” – these people believe we must have some ulterior motive – want money, glory, to get a book deal or to be on reality TV, etc.
“The Confused” – Why would you put yourself through this? Why China and not the U.S.? Are you crazy?
“The Appreciative” – You are so kind, thank you, your kids are so lucky.
“The Curious” – I’ve always thought about adoption or I’d love a large family…
The skeptics hurt my heart. I wonder how they could think those things. Adoption is hard. How could anyone think you did it for any of those reason? How many people really get a reality show? I most certainly don’t want one. Our house is too loud to be a t.v. show. I often refer to our house as controlled chaos. I love children running and laughing out loud. I love loud, off key singing and dancing. Plus, it is way too much work to try and be famous.
Answering the questions of the confused are much harder because I am constantly on defense. Trying to justify why one child deserves to be adopted is impossible. The truth is trying to adopt when you are older is tricky. There were many factors in why we chose to adopt from China. After we traveled the first time, there were even more reasons why we went back. None of this can be explained in just a couple of sentences nor will any of it make sense to someone who doesn’t understand what a child living in institutional care goes through. (Jasmine’s Blog)
Then there are those who go on and on about what we are doing. They are the appreciative. It’s embarrassing. Honestly anyone who spends a moment with these guys would have to be blind and unfeeling to not understand why we do it. They are beautiful souls full of life and love. Their joy is contagious. I am not special or extra kind or wonderful. I am blessed, truly blessed to be their mama.
My favorite moments are with the curious. I love when people truly, honestly want to know why. What would lead us to do this? Why would we open our hearts to pain? Why would we invest this much time in children that have health issues? Why would we adopt nine?
I love how often God puts those in our path that have been thinking about adopting. It happens time and time again. It is inspiring to talk with those that are in the process of adopting, have adopted, or have gone on mission trips and cared for special needs children. It’s fun to share notes, encourage others, and learn about new organizations that are helping those in need.
I enjoy being able to share how God lead us to each of the children. God has amazingly opened up doors time and time again. I love to share about the children’s stories because it is not about me or Dan or our family. It’s all about God. It is an honor to be able to share their stories, to talk about how far they have come, and what it means to step out in fear, but with trust that God’s plan is perfect!
It’s hard to contain your joy when you have been allowed to be part of such amazing stories. I mean really who wouldn’t want to be a part of this girl’s life?
Just a reminder:
If you are on Facebook, you can follow along at Seriously Blessed by Adoption.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him. Psalm 28:7 NIV
-
The Flower That Blooms
I just wanted to let everyone know that our daughter, Jasmine, has decided to start a blog too. She wants to share what it was like to be in an orphanage for six years, almost age out, join a family, and come to America. She hopes to help other older children who may be afraid by letting them know family is a wonderful thing.
http://www.flowerthatblooms.com/
Her first blog is entitled Adoption Day.
She was such a brave girl. She knew very little English. She couldn’t run away from us if she had wanted to because of her muscular dystrophy. Yet, she put a smile on her face and chose to be brave and happy about all that her life could be. It is truly a blessing to be her mother and I am honored to share her words with you.
-
Jasmine’s Blog – Adoption Day
The following post was written by Jasmine in Chinese. I used Google Translate to translate it. I have left it as it was translated as much as possible. I have clarified certain sentences and have italicized them and used paragraphs to set my words apart from Jasmine’s words. Jasmine has decided to write a blog to let others know what it is like to be adopted and come to America to start a new life.
收养日
有一天我去贵阳我去见我的新妈妈新爸爸。
是美国的爸爸妈妈收养了我，我也很高兴我也很害怕因为我从来没有见过美国人我很害怕我不会说英语，但是我也非常的害怕因为我怕我不会走路爸爸妈妈会不要我？我知道不可以自己去上厕所有人对我说如果我去了美国以后还是不能走路的话也许我会再次回到孤儿院让我很害怕真的真的很害怕。
但是我见到爸爸妈妈姐姐奶奶她们对我笑我也笑妈妈爸爸亲亲我，爸爸妈妈送我一个礼物这个礼物是项链上面写了是家庭，
我好高兴有爸爸妈妈爷爷奶奶哥哥姐姐妹妹，
我和爸爸妈妈拍照。
然后回到酒店然后爸爸妈妈问我想吃什么我说我想吃肯德基
爸爸妈妈就去卖了然后姐姐给我擦指甲油，指甲油有三种颜色然后我就选择粉色我喜欢粉色然后姐姐就帮我擦了！
然后爸爸妈妈回来了卖回来了肯德基我喜欢吃肯德基。
妈妈和姐姐想给我洗澡但是我不知道妈妈和姐姐在说什么
她们就翻译我就明白了妈妈帮助我洗澡的时候我非常的害怕因为怕我下降我就哭了我真很害怕。姐姐抱着我我就不害怕了觉得自己真的好幸福好！
我害怕我不会说英语但是我会说的是不，
但是妈妈爸爸对我真的真的真的好好好！
我觉得自己是个幸福的孩子。妈妈她说我很美她说的是中文
她还会我爱你她还会说我是你的妈妈还说他是你的爸爸。
我很幸福！
但是我还担心妈妈和爸爸会不要我这事情让很害怕我不想让这种事情再次发生。
我只希望爸爸妈妈对我好就好了不会不要我我就心满一足了。
我就会很幸福了！：）
Adoption Day
One day I went to Guiyang I went to see my new mom new dad.
American parents adopted me, and I’m glad I’m scared because I had never seen Americans I’m afraid I can not speak English, but I am also very scared because I’m afraid I will not walk Mom and Dad Do not I? (She is afraid if she doesn’t walk we will not want her.) I know not myself go to the bathroom (I can’t even get to the bathroom myself.) Someone said to me that if I went to the United States later still can not walk, then maybe I will once again return to the orphanage so I am very scared really, really scared.
But my mom and dad to see their sister, grandmother smiled at me and I kiss my mom and dad laugh, Mom and Dad gave me this gift is a gift of necklace inscribed with the words family,
I’m so glad to have mom and dad brother (big) sister (little) sister, grandparents,
My mom and dad take pictures.
Then back to the hotel and then mom and dad asked me want to eat what I say I want to eat KFC (I remember being surprised that she asked for KFC and a coke. She had seen commercials on t.v. in the orphanage.)
Mom and Dad go to buy KFC then my sister gave me nail polish, nail polish comes in three colors and then I would choose pink I love pink and my sister to help me rub!
Then Mom and Dad came back Buy (from KFC) back I like to eat KFC KFC.
Mother and sister wanted to give me a bath, but I do not know what to say mom and sister
They would translate my mom helped me to understand a bath when I was very scared because I was afraid I would fall, I started to cry and I am really scared. Sister holding me I do not feel afraid of is really good happy good! (We had to place her on a stool in a shower because they didn’t have a bath tub. She had no clue what was going on. She was allowed one bath a week at the orphanage where they gave her a bucket and sat her on the floor so the shower felt really, really good.)
I’m afraid I can not speak English, but I Speak it is not, (She was afraid her English was not very good.)
But Mom and Dad told me really really really good good!
I feel I am a happy child. Mom said I am beautiful. She said that she is Chinese (I told her those four BOLD phrases in Chinese.)
She also said she would, I love you, I’m your mom said he is your father.
I am very happy!
But I also worry that my mom and dad will not let this matter was afraid I do not want this to happen again. (She was afraid we would decide we didn’t want her and would send her back to the orphanage.)
(We asked her time and time again if she had any questions. We wanted her to be able to ask the translator/guide anything that she had questions about before we left China. Every day she said she didn’t have any questions. We kept saying there has to be something you are curious about in America. But over and over again she said no. On the very last day she said she had a question. She spoke her words to the translator and tears started running down the translator’s face. Jasmine’s only question, after being with us for almost three weeks in China, was “Will we give her away when we get to America?” She was worried we wouldn’t let her be part of the family.)
I just hope my mom and dad would not do me good like I heart filled an enough. (She hoped we would think she was good and her heart would be happy enough.)
I will be very happy! 🙂
After I posted this blog, Yolanda from Love Without Boundaries sent me a corrected version of this blog post. I am posting it because it shows just how hard it is to translate from Chinese to English, as much is lost in the translation. This version breaks my heart just a little bit more. Jasmine was such a brave girl.
Here is the properly translated version:
“Adoption Day
One day I went to Guiyang to meet my new Mama and Baba.
The Baba and Mama who adopted me are American. I was happy and I was
scared because I’d never seen an American. I was very scared of not
knowing how to speak English, but I was also very scared that Baba and
Mama wouldn’t want me because I don’t know how to walk? I know I can’t
use the restroom by myself, someone told me that if I still couldn’t
walk after going to America, I might have to go back to the orphanage.
I was very scared, really so very scared.But I met baba, mama, big sister and grandma, they smiled at me and I
smiled too. Baba and mama kissed me and gave me a present – a necklace
with “Family” written on it.I was so happy to have baba, mama, grandpa, grandma, big brother, big
sister and little sister.I took photos with baba and mama.
Then we went back to the hotel, baba and mama asked me what I wanted
to eat and I said I wanted to eat KFC.Baba and mama went and bought it and then big sister painted my nails.
There were three colours of nail polish, I picked pink because I like
pink, then big sister helped my put it on!Then baba and mama came back with the KFC they bought, I like eating KFC.
Mama and big sister wanted to give me a shower but I didn’t know what
they were saying. So they translated and then I understood. When mama
was helping me shower I was very scared because I was afraid of
falling, so I cried. I was so scared. Then big sister held me and I
wasn’t scared anymore. I felt really very blessed!I was afraid I didn’t know how to speak English but I knew how to say
“no”. But mama and baba are really so very good to me!I think I am a blessed kid. Mama told me I was very beautiful, she
said it in Chinese. She also knew how to say “I love you”, “I’m your
mama” and “he’s your baba”.I’m so happy!
But I’m still worried mama and baba will not want me, this really
scares me and I don’t want this kind of thing to happen again.I only want baba and mama to be good to me, and won’t not want me
anymore. Then I’ll be perfectly satisfied.Then I’ll be very happy!”
-
Thank You!
I took the dogs to get their shots the other day. The vet looked the dogs over and mentioned that Snickers needed a tooth cleaning. I said, “I know. We discussed this last time.” He looked at me as if I was the worst pet owner ever and started to lecture me on why spending the $1,000 for a tooth cleaning was necessary. Most of the time, I just go about my business but this time I decided I was going to tell him what I have been up to these last two years and see what he said.
Two trips to China were we’ve adopted six children.
(I left off that three had worse medical needs then we thought.)
We’ve had two heart surgeries and four heart catherizations.
(I left off the two dental surgeries and the fact we had to travel to Boston & Stanford for the heart surgeries.)
My mom spent months in the ICU.
My mom died, my stepdad died, my grandfather died.
My brother-in-law had a massive stroke.
My son got married.
And add to that what we have coming up during the next four months and it wasn’t likely that the dogs would be getting in any time soon.
We have two upcoming surgeries. (Eli on 9/17 and Evie on 10/20.)
We leave for China in 9-12 weeks for the adoption of Max and Elyse.
Jasmine has back surgery in January for her scoliosis.
I didn’t want pity. I just wanted him to understand that sometimes there are reasons people don’t do something and it has nothing to do with how much they care about their pets. I told him I promised to get the dog’s teeth cleaned as soon as I could, but for now it was just going to have to wait.
As he left the room, the tech looked at me and said, “I think just one of those would have been a good enough excuse.”
The vet was very kind and understanding. He told me to just schedule it as soon as time allowed.
But it got me to thinking about the fact that we should all be patient with each other. None of us knows what the other is going through. I’ve often shared the story of running into a lady with my cart at Wal-Mart not long after Kyle died. I just sat there and stared at her and then started crying. She was so angry and I couldn’t say a word. She must have thought I had lost my mind.
We are all going through something aren’t we?
A family member had a stroke,
a heart attack,
was just diagnosed with cancer,
family members die,
children run away,
marriages fall apart,
drugs and alcohol take their toll,
the lists go on and on.
How much better would this world be if we gave everyone the benefit of the doubt?
What if they are having a bad day, a bad week, or what if they are just rude. It has nothing to do with you. It’s like I always tell the kids, people can say what they want, it only becomes an issue if you believe what they are saying.
I learned long ago that people will judge. It’s what they do. It’s human nature. Sometimes people do it to make themselves feel better. Sometimes people do it because they truly believe they know what is best for everyone. I have seen and heard it all.
People have an issue with us homeschooling.
People have an issue with us adopting four at once.
People have an issue with us adopting too many children with health issues.
People have an issue with us being older.
People worry about what we are doing to our other children.
Heck, we even have a neighbor who is upset that we can’t keep up with our yardwork as well as we should because we have too many kids.
Seriously? Sometimes you just have to let people be. Especially people who don’t even know you or your family. Let them talk. Let them criticize. And then take the time to pray for them.
Years ago this would have driven me crazy. I would have lost sleep over it, but not anymore. Would you like to know why? Because I gave up caring what others thought and started living my life for God. I am accountable to only one. I can’t imagine on my last day standing before God and having Him criticize me for caring about a sick child or stepping out in faith and adopting four at once. I doubt that God cares about my yard or the shape that it is in.
God knows we love our children.
They are thriving.
Will everyone get to go out for three different sports each month? Nope!
Will they get three meals and snacks and special treats? Yep!
Will they get to go to a private college? Nope.
Will they get an education, one that they were not even guaranteed in their previous years? Yep! Assuredly!
Will they have every toy and electronic gadget they could ever hope to have? Nope!
Will they be loved and treasured and cherished until the day they leave this earth. You bet they will!
Which brings me to my second thought. As we prepare to leave this morning for Eli’s surgery, I’m remembering all the people who do care. The people who have covered us in prayer, our church family, the people who have brought meals and sent cards and encouragement and to my neighbor on the other side, who my children adore, thank you for helping me mow our crazy over run lawn. Dan and I both say, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
Eli needs this surgery. His oxygen sats have dropped. He is much bluer. We knew this day was going to come. We can not put it off any longer. I know that He is good hands. Dr. Hanley is the best at this surgery. At the end of the day, we will know we did everything possible to give him the best shot at life. Eli is a wonderful soul. He is sweet and courageous and so very funny. If you haven’t already done so, check out our page on Facebook “Seriously Blessed by Adoption”. You can see Eli spell his name and his siblings names. If you don’t have Facebook, I’ll give you a hint, every word is spelled B-E-N.
Thank you for the prayers that have covered our little boy throughout the past year. He has been such a blessing. Yes, this year has been hard but it has been so unbelievably awesome too. I am so thankful the words of the world didn’t keep us from following where God was leading. God is good. He is faithful and trustworthy. He has blessed us in ways we couldn’t even imagine. No matter what happens, I have no regrets. Dan and I feel extremely blessed to be on this journey with Eli.
-
MAXimum Blessings
When we found out about Kelly we were heartbroken. Someone at church even said to me, “This is much like a death in the family.” It’s true. It’s hard. What do you do with all the stuff you have bought during happier times? As you know from my previous post, someone graciously offered to take some of Kelly’s clothes with her when she traveled to China. I cried taking those clothes out of the suitcase, remembering all the fun the girls had picking them out. Her blue comforter is still on her bed. The stuffed animals the girls had bought her still sit on the pillow. Its been 27 years, but I still remember coming home after Kyle died. It has been much like that after the news that Kelly did not want to leave China.
We had already planned on someday writing her a letter telling her we wished her well. Letting her know that we understand and have no hard feelings. We want her to know that we still want to be part of her life. We wish she could have been part of our family, but we understand she feels she already has a family. We feel privileged to have learned more about Agape and to see the wonderful work they are doing. It says a lot about the home and the people there that she is content and wants to stay. Agape Family Life House
After we heard Kelly’s decision, our agency asked us what we wanted to do about being approved for two? Dan and I still felt like we were supposed to bring home two. It seemed almost ridiculous to pay the fees, be approved for two, and then not bring another child home. But you can’t just replace the child that you lost. How do you even start?
We started at the best place, the only place….prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I asked God over and over again to show me what I was supposed to do. I had no clue where to even start. I know during those first few days I repeated the words, “I can’t do this!” at least 100 times.
We talked with our trusted adviser at the adoption agency and she laid all the information out. Because of expediting Kelly, Elyse is still on the expedited timeline. We can slow it down a little, but not a lot. That means if we wish to bring a second child home we needed to decide now. We needed to pick a special focus child who was already on their agency list or a child off the shared list in one of the two provinces where they already had guides. The child needed to fit our criteria on our MCC (medical condition checklist). We said we wished to adopt a girl between the ages of 7 and under 10.
She had already been searching and told us the odds of that happening were slim. There were no girls that fit our criteria. She would continue to look. There was no time to ask for an agency to switch a file. There was no time to ask for updates. She told us she would keep looking and talk to others at the agency.
Dan and I both know who is in control and we knew if it was meant to be, it would happen. We just had to trust in that fact.
When my friends, who have also adopted, heard they understood completely and tried to help match us with a child.
They sent us beautiful pictures of children who need a family. That first day, I cried all day long over the loss of Kelly and the shear number of children waiting for a family. Since we had said little girls, they sent us file after file of sweet, beautiful girls who wait. Girls who don’t have much hope of a bright future in China, but who would be beautiful additions to any family. Why are they waiting?
Unfortunately, my heart was not in it. I felt moved, especially by three of the girls,
Poppy
Pearl
and Dottie
But it just didn’t feel right. They are beautiful girls. Others described them as sweet, special, and wonderful. They would be a beautiful addition to any family, but they didn’t feel like they were meant to be our daughter. That is the hardest part about adoption. If you truly trust that God is leading you to a child, then you have to wait, but at the same time how could it be wrong to give any child a family?
More days passed and our agency called asking us to consider a five year old boy. We had not been open to a boy mainly because we already had a bed in the girl’s room and the girls were all set to have another sister. The thought of adding to the littles was a bit overwhelming. Who willingly chooses six children under the age of 6? But since we said we would consider any child God placed before us, we said we would consider it. She told us to look at their waiting child page. We were told he had bilateral microtia. That was a very doable special need. It is the same diagnosis that Maisey has. We already sign. We know all about the surgeries and the BAHA hearing aid. We understood the frustration these children have from lack of communication. Dan asked for her to send his file.
I, in the meantime, messaged my friend’s about this little boy and the group home he was in, Swallow’s Nest. Swallow’s Nest
One of the four mamas in this group said, “Lisa, you aren’t going to believe this but one of my friend’s just adopted a little boy from that group home.” She went on to say, “I know the person who runs this home. I can put you in touch with her.”
I love the way the Lord provides.
I immediately searched for her on Facebook. Her Facebook page was open so I started scrolling through the pictures and then I saw his little face. She was advocating for him because he was being called back to the orphanage. She went on to say that he really, really needs a family. She said that he is such a sweet, smart boy and would be a great addition to any family.
I sent her a friend request and she immediately messaged me. She told me all about him. She sent me his baby picture. She told me who was caring for him and how sad they were that he had been called back to the orphanage. She let me know that he was at camp right now. A camp put on by our agency. I kept reading through all the comments and noticed that 21 people had shared this information. How do 21 people share about a child desperately needing a family and no family requests his file? I clicked on the shares to see if anyone I knew had shared his information. I noticed that Donna, a friend of mine, had shared it. I clicked on the share to see what others had said and what do I see? A comment from me asking if he had bilateral microtia.
On May 5th, I had commented about this little boy.
And it all came flooding back….
I remember reading about this little boy who was being sent back to the orphanage. I remember being so sad and sitting at the table with tears in my eyes. I remember talking with Zach about it because it reminded me of Maisey when she had to go back. She left the home and all the people who loved her and nourished her and helped her grow only to go back to a place where either no one knew how to communicate with her or didn’t feel she was worthy of communicating with. She had a bald spot from throwing herself to the floor out of sheer frustration over and over again. She would do this at any moment and she did it with such force. She was only with us two days in China before she almost completely stopped throwing herself to the floor. She stopped because we got down at her level and communicated with her. She stopped because we taught her a couple simple signs and she wasn’t as frustrated.
I knew his little heart was going to feel pain. He was leaving those he loved. My heart hurt. I wished we had asked to be approved for three on our homestudy. He would have been an easy child to add. We knew how to deal with his hearing issues. We knew how to deal with the frustration he would have with communicating. But I knew with our expedite that I didn’t have time to ask for an updated homestudy to add a third child so I just let it go. I never gave it another thought. The reality was he became just another child who touched my heart and I had to let it go because it is just so overwhelming.
In an amazing turn of events, we had been presented with the same child I wished we could adopt. He was a perfect fit for our family. Just the right age to be a playmate for Ben who often feels left out of the Evie/Eli bond and Maisey and Lainey, who often play alone. Yet, he wouldn’t disrupt Ben’s being the oldest little. Ben takes the job of being big brother and protector of the littles very seriously.
In his picture he is wearing a pirate shirt. Many of you will remember Ben’s love of pirates. As we were going to sleep one night Ben turns to me and says, “Mama, remember that picture of the little boy in the pirate shirt? He looks really nice? I would like to hug him. Can we have him over to play?”
And just a couple weeks ago, I wrote about the swallows in our back yard. I wrote about something that happened almost 13 years ago. Here is that post.
Yesterday, as I mowed our back acre, I was reminded of 13 years ago when we moved to this property. Usually Zach mowed but he was gone so I went out to do it. As I was mowing, swallows dive bombed the mower. They got so close that it made me really nervous. I finally gave up and went into the garage and got a tennis racket. So here I was trying to mow the lawn, swinging a tennis racket at dive bombing birds. It was quite the sight. My perspective was they were out to get me. My neighbor, who was laughing hysterically, asked what I was doing. I told him and he said, “Lisa, they are diving after the insects you are kicking up while mowing.” I felt silly to say the least. It reminded me of how we can think things are out to harm us, but then our perspective changes and we then see the beauty in the situation. I mowed for an hour yesterday watching the swallows dive up and down, coming oh so close to the mower. It was peaceful and beautiful. How things can change with the right perspective.
“It reminds me of how we can think things are out to harm us, but then our perspective changes and we then see the beauty in the situation.”
Exactly…..beauty amidst the ashes. My heart has been broken by what I can not do for one child, but there is beauty in still being able to be a family for another child.
I don’t know what God’s plans are. Maybe Kelly needed to know a family would fight for her. I know that she will always have a special place in my heart and I will do whatever I can to support her. I will continue to cover her with prayer. I am at peace knowing she is with people she loves. She will always have a home. She will have a job and opportunities to sing and paint. But in my heart she will always be my girl and it will always be bittersweet.
Here is what I do know though, before I saw Kelly’s picture and my heart was stolen, we were pretty sure we were finished adopting. When Jasmine brought up adopting an aging out child, we told her we would seriously consider it after Eli and Evie were done with their surgeries. We asked her if she could wait another year or so. But Jasmine kept praying and our hearts were opened to the idea. Had we not been trying to adopt Kelly, we wouldn’t have seen Elyse’s file and if we hadn’t had everything happen with Kelly, we wouldn’t be adopting Max.
It brought me comfort that Max was a child I had already considered adopting. We couldn’t replace Kelly. It was just so hard. You can not just replace a child, but there was a unexplainable peace with Max. We wouldn’t have even gone looking for him because he didn’t fit our neatly checked boxes of what we thought our family was looking for.
The path doesn’t always make sense when we are on it, but then God gives you little glimpses of the beauty in the tapestry that is your life. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28 Not all things will be good, but that they will work together for good.
It’s so hard to deal with all these feelings. The sadness mixed with the joy and the anticipation of traveling. Life is like that though isn’t it? Learning to dance in the rain. Learning to let go of what you can’t control and follow where He leads. I’m still learning. This past year has been one of the hardest on our hearts in our almost 30 years of marriage, but it has also one of the most beautiful. God sometimes takes us out of our comfort zone so that we can grow in His love by having to trust and let go.
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule” (Matthew 5:3 MSG).
I would like to introduce you to Max, our unexpected blessing!
-
Why Orphans Need Families
When we first considered writing a blog, Dan and I prayed and discussed it in depth. We knew that we were putting our family out there for all the world to see or at least my immediate family, some close friends, and maybe a few second or third cousins. 🙂 We knew we would be putting our family on display. We knew we would be opening up our lives to the critical review of many others. We knew there were those who would think we were sharing to brag or show off. What we hoped to show was the amazing ways God had worked in our lives. We wanted to put a face to adoption and let others know what giving a child a home meant. Dan and I ultimately decided if writing a blog lead to one, or two, or more children being adopted, then it would all be worth it.
I have been writing for a couple of years now. I write so that others can see what being an orphan truly means and what adoption does for these children. Even though it is life changing, harder than I imagined, and more than I ever thought I could handle, it is also a blessing beyond anything I could have ever dreamed.
So when I got an e-mail from Show Hope looking for bloggers to write about the global orphan crisis, I was on board and signed up immediately. This was what I originally set out to do, to let others know about the orphan crisis. There are just so many orphans. The last estimate was 143 million. I want to make whatever change I can. I want to give a voice to these children who don’t have one. Plus, Show Hope will always have a very special place in our hearts because they helped care for three of our children.
I got my first assignment at the beginning of August. The assignment? Write about why orphans need families. I have tried to write about why orphans need families for a month now. I just couldn’t do it. The words I wrote didn’t have any real feeling behind them. They were merely facts and quotes about orphans. I wanted more than that. I wanted to show how family changes the life of an orphan.
On September 1st we had Benjamin’s 6th birthday party. Dan and I started reminiscing about those first few weeks in China with Benjamin. We started to talk about just how far he had come and I realized that is what I wanted this blog to convey. I am going to try to adequately explain just how far he has come. I can quote facts and figures to tell you there is a need, but you already know that. 143 million is a whole lot of orphans. But what I really want is for you to see what institutional care does to a child. How it changes their little hearts. Orphans need families. Orphanages are buildings, they are not homes.
When we met Ben in March of 2012, he was a frightened, withdrawn, 3 1/2 year old.
Ben never acted afraid of us. He went straight to Dan and wouldn’t leave his arms. Ben had the saddest little face. It wasn’t an “I’m afraid response”, it was something so much more heartbreaking. It was like a little bit of his light was dimmed. He was malnourished, weighing 21 pounds at 3 1/2. The first time we changed his clothing, we cried. We cried about all the times we knew he went hungry. We cried because it took us so long to get to him. We cried because we knew he had gone through more in his little life than anyone should have to go through.
When we arrived back in the hotel, Ben ate for over 2 hours. We opened the drawer that was full of snacks and he just sat there staring at all the food. Right on top of this same dresser were the many toys we had packed for him. He never even noticed the toys. He was so intent on eating. The whole time we were in China, Ben slept with food in his hands. It was his security blanket. He didn’t want the blanket we brought him. He didn’t want the toys. He just wanted to hold his bowl, his spoon, and a piece of food.
Heaven forbid you would move his food. He would have a major breakdown if his bowl of noodles was moved from his sight. But at the same time, he would share with Maisey. He made sure she was cared for. He made sure to open two of everything so she didn’t go without. We had glimpses of his sweet, little heart from the very beginning. He accepted and cared for his little sister right from the start even though they had never met before that day in the Registration office.
Ben had a lanyard that he wore around his neck with our family picture in it. He wouldn’t take it off. We were immediately his family and he had never met most of us. He refused to speak Chinese. He spoke English from day one even though we were told he was never taught English. He refused to use his given Chinese name. He was Benjamin from the very first day we met. He later asked us to call him Ben Ben because it is a term of endearment to double up your name. I have often wondered what happened in his three short years to make him not want any reminders of his old life.
I remember vividly the first time Ben laughed. It was raspy, almost like his vocal cords were dusty, like he hadn’t laughed in a very long time.
And I remember the first time he hurt himself. He ran into the corner of the dresser and hit his head pretty hard. He just kept going. I thought it was odd, but didn’t really put two and two together until later in the day when he fell down. I could tell he hurt himself, but he didn’t even shed a tear. He didn’t come to me with his hurt. He just sat there.
It was a couple days later when he realized that we would care that he hurt himself. He came to show me what had happened and I kissed his booboo. I wish I could have captured his expression. It was one of wonder. He was actually confused by someone caring that he was hurt. I can still remember to this day the first time he knew it was okay to shed tears over being hurt. What must a child have gone through to no longer cry tears or believe anyone would care that they are hurt? This is what institutional care does.
There were other issues. Ben was deathly afraid of water. The first time we tried to bathe him, he grabbed the door frame, kicking and screaming and wouldn’t let go. We weren’t able to give him a bath for months.
He shut down the minute we left the hotel room. He was fine as long as he was in the room alone with us, but the moment we left the room, the worried look was back on his little face.
We visited the orphanage where Ben spent almost 3 years of his life. It was estimated that Ben was 9 months old when he was left in a park. While we went on a tour of the orphanage, Ben hung onto Dan for dear life. He would not look at any of the nannies. They tried to talk to him and get him to come to them but he would not leave Dan’s arms. What an eye opening experience that was for me. Ben was with the women who had cared for him for most of his life and he wouldn’t leave the arms of the man he had only known for a few days.
Ben had no clue how to be held. He didn’t understand what a hug was. He didn’t know how to snuggle. We would hold him and try to get him to lay his head on our shoulders but he just didn’t understand. We did it over and over again while we were in China. We would give short little hugs. We would hold him whenever he would allow it. On one of the last days there, Ben curled up next to Dan and fell asleep. He couldn’t speak our language, but he understood that Dan loved him and would protect him and he felt safe sleeping in his arms.
Children need families. They need parents to care for them. Parents who will teach them right from wrong, educate them, get them medical care, and kiss their booboos. Children need to feel safe and secure if they are to blossom and grow. Children need a home and love and security. They need unconditional love. You can not get these things in an institution.
Ben is now 6 years old. He has grown in so many ways. Medical care, food, and the love of a family changed his life.
The before and after pictures are amazing. The first picture is from September 2011 and the second picture was from December 2013.
Ben has come so far. He has family that adores him.
He has had life saving heart surgery at Boston Children’s Hospital.
Ben’s future is no longer uncertain. Family has given Ben roots for stability and wings to fly. Family has changed his life and given him a future. Why do orphans need family? I think Ben’s pictures say more than my words ever could.
-
Kelly
What do I know for sure? Life is complicated, difficult, heartbreaking, unpredictable, but it is also beautiful, wonderful, heartwarming, and joy-filled. Sometimes the journey isn’t what you thought it would be. Sometimes the curves take you places you didn’t set out to go. I know it’s not about the destination. It’s about following where God leads and trusting in His plan even when it doesn’t make sense to you.
I haven’t updated about Kelly in a while because it’s just been too hard on my heart. There are so many emotions and thoughts that I just couldn’t get the words down on paper in any coherent way. Have you ever just not wanted to do something because it made it way too real? That is where I am at. This is going to be long. I’ve tried to cut it down, but there’s so much I want to say. I thought about doing it in a couple of posts, but I just want to be done thinking about it. So here goes, time to pull off the band-aid quickly….
Kelly does not wish to be adopted.
Well, even that is not the whole truth. She doesn’t want to leave China. She doesn’t want to be adopted by foreigners. She doesn’t want to learn a new language and come to a new country and I can’t blame her. I’m not sure I could have done it. I have older daughters. I know Hope wouldn’t have wanted to leave her home and everything she knew and loved. Gracie might have been more open to it and considered it an adventure. Jasmine left China but she had no options and nothing waiting for her there so she was able to embrace all that we offered. Cassie would have trusted God and His plan and done whatever she felt He was leading her to do.
For the past two months, we have known that Kelly has had great reservations about being adopted. We have not said anything because we were hoping it was just the usual “I am afraid” response. We hoped and prayed she would embrace the thought of family even though she was afraid.
As you know months ago, I saw Kelly and Amanda’s pictures on some Facebook advocacy page. Things just never moved forward with Amanda. There were many roadblocks and it just didn’t seem right, but with Kelly the more I read about her the more I cared. I knew that my heart was moved but I wanted to be sure it wasn’t just an emotional response. I prayed and prayed some more and decided to ask more questions. I wanted all the information I could get on her so I posted a comment and people responded. I was told that I should talk to two specific people, one of whom had met her and the other who had hoped to adopt Kelly herself. From these two people, I got the names of two other people who had cared for Kelly in the group home.
I asked every question I could. The most important questions being “Does she really want a family, would she be okay with a large family, and does she want to come to America?”. I think we all like to think, “Well, who wouldn’t want to come to America and have a family?”, but the truth is sometimes older children do not wish to leave their birth country and everything they know and hold dear. By the time these older children are teenagers, they have come to terms with the fact that a family may not be coming. They are used to caring for themselves and can be very independent.
As a family, we discussed adopting Kelly. We talked with our agency and asked them what the chances were of adopting an aging out teenage girl in 170 days. Our agency informed us everything would have to go perfectly, but it was possible. We decided to take a chance, we submitted our LOI, and waited for PA. After PA you are allowed to send letters, gifts, and pictures. We received our PA and sent a care package to Kelly.
After we knew she got our package, we talked to people again. She had seen our pictures and we wanted to be sure she was okay with a big family. We continued to ask if she really wanted a family. We tried in many different ways and we never got the response we wanted. We heard over and over again that she wasn’t sure and that she was afraid. We never heard the words, “She really wants a family but is afraid.” You can overcome fear if the want for a family is greater than the fear. We understood that she would be fearful, everything in her life was about to change. We understood it would take time for her to adjust to her new life. No one can be expected to give up everything they hold dear and not have it affect them.
Instead of hearing that she wanted a family, we heard over and over again, “We are trying to convince her this is the best thing for her.” We did everything we could to ease her mind. We talked to people who were close to her. We sent her letters in her care package. We let her know about our blog. We asked them to share our Facebook page with her so she could see videos and pictures of our family. We asked to Skype with her.
We were allowed to Skype and we thought things had gone well. She didn’t seem afraid while Skyping. She was laughing and smiling the whole time. Her body language was relaxed and open. At the end of the call, we had told Kelly to let them know if she had more questions. We waited a few days and we heard nothing. I sent an e-mail to the director of the group home asking him if she had more questions and he said skyping made her fear worse. She was even more afraid and was very unsure about whether or not she wanted to be adopted.
One of the main things that stood out to me was that after we skyped, she said all the littles were overwhelming. They were very sweet during the Skype conversation. They all took turns and said “Hi!”. They waved and Evie even blew her a kiss. It wasn’t anything compared to what our house is like. They are very busy little people. I was hoping that she would see how much they loved her, but it had the opposite affect.
There were signs from the beginning that things may have not been what we were told. We thought she really wanted a family and was okay with going to America. As I said before, the truth was she wanted a family, but she never wanted to leave China. There were signs all along the process. We heard words like “She didn’t know she could be adopted. She never thought that it would happen. She was surprised by it. She was okay if the paper work did or didn’t get done.”
The issue is she has people she loves at the group home. She has a very close friend who she helps with schooling. She cares about all the little ones that are there. She considers these people her family. She sings with them. She has art lessons and piano lessons. She can work in their bakery when she’s of age. She won’t be out on the street. In her mind, she has a whole lot to lose and she has no clue what she would gain.
With all the information we had, we talked to our agency. After much group discussion within the agency and with our family, we knew we had two options. First, we could travel and hope that we could convince her to be adopted. But even as we discussed that, we were told by her group home that they would not force her to sign. They were going to let it be her decision. Second, we could give her a deadline by which to make her decision. She had been wavering for months and it wasn’t getting better. In fact, it seemed it was getting worse. We prayed and considered all the options. We discussed it again with our agency, who was very good at telling us the pros and cons. They shared with us previous stories, the kids who didn’t sign, the parents who landed in China only to be told no before they even met the child, and the stories where children were convinced to sign, forced to sign, and what happened when they came home.
We decided it would be better to give Kelly a deadline before we traveled. We didn’t want to take the chance of traveling to China only to have Kelly refuse to sign the paperwork. In China, if you are ten or older, you have to agree to the adoption. You have to sign forms stating you wish to be adopted. I have heard others share their stories on a Facebook group. They talked of forcing the child to sign. I have heard the threats that were said by many different parties and the fights that ensued. As I said before, we had previously talked with the director of the group home and he said they would leave the decision up to her. They would not force her to sign. We knew it had to be Kelly’s decision and we knew she needed a deadline. She is painfully shy and neither Dan or I thought standing in front of her trying to convince her would really help anything.
We were at a critical point in the adoption process, we needed to file for her visa. We needed to know one way or the other. It was agreed upon that she would have until Friday, July 18th, to decide. They e-mailed and asked if they could have until Monday, the 21st, to decide and we agreed. When we didn’t hear anything on Monday, we e-mailed again. The response we got was that Kelly had a cold and they couldn’t get an answer. My heart dropped. I knew what that meant. That’s not a real excuse for not answering. I e-mailed again and he said, “Kelly may one day regret this decision, but she does not wish to be adopted. She does not want to leave China.”
I cried tears much like I did with Kyle. The dream of a life was there, but it wasn’t meant to be. We are heartbroken to say the least. The children have been in tears. Jasmine doesn’t understand. If you remember our journey to another aging out daughter began because Jasmine wanted to help another girl much like herself. Jasmine has said over and over again, “But she doesn’t understand what family means.”
I have prayed over and over again. Kelly’s picture is on my homescreen of my phone and my computer. Every time her picture came on the screen, I prayed for clarity for her. I prayed that God’s will would be done and I truly meant it. But being an imperfect human I hoped or assumed that God’s plan would mean Kelly would be my daughter. It’s funny how we do that. Like God is a magic genie and all our wishes will just come true if we pray hard enough.
The verse does say, “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:22
But there is also a verse that says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8
Someone asked me if I was angry at God. I’m not angry at God. I can’t be angry at God because things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Kelly has free will. I cannot make Kelly do what I wish. I can’t possibly know why we were lead down this path, but I still believe it was God who sent us on this journey. Too many doors were opened, too many signs lead to Kelly for it to not be from God.
All the signs lead to this having a happy ending, at least on our end. We’ve never had an adoption go so smoothly. Everyone was on board with the expediting and were more than gracious to speed our paperwork up. Our agency has gone above and beyond. We have been overwhelmed with the support and caring that we have received. Everything was going as planned. We were at that very last stage – requesting a visa, which leads to the Article 5 being issued, which leads to the consulate appointment and travel approval. We had 30 days left and it was more than doable. We were all set.
I have tried to wrap my head around this. I have cried many tears grieving over my lost dreams. I saw her in the girl’s room. We bought her a new bed. The girls and I bought her clothes that we thought she would love based on the pictures we’ve seen of her. We know her favorite color was blue so we bought her a beautiful blue comforter. She has jewelry and hairbows. I saw myself brushing her pretty hair and letting her know how beautiful she is. I am her mama in my heart and I would be lying if I said this doesn’t hurt.
I don’t understand. I just can’t see the big picture. I can see little bits of what I have learned. I have seen what group homes do for children. These homes are proof that there are better ways to raise children even if they can’t have a forever family. I have seen the other side of teen adoption. I belong to groups where I have heard all sorts of outcomes. My eyes have definitely been opened. I know it doesn’t always go like it has with Jasmine. I have learned how to expedite and I have seen how well the adoption process works if everyone moves stuff along. I have always wanted to speak to our congressman and tell them changes needed to be made to speed the process up, to cut out the redundancy of costs and paperwork, get rid of some of the unnecessary paperwork, and now I know ways that it can happen.
But if I was to tell the truth, I don’t want to be more informed. I want to be a mama to a little girl half way around the world who has no clue what that means and who doesn’t want the same thing.
So for now, we will try to help her in any way we can. We will stay in touch if she lets us. We will sponsor her. We have let them know we will help with her education or anything else that may come up. I am comforted by the fact that Kelly has people who love her there. She has friends and many who she considers family. She knows God. She has a love for God that is beautiful. There is a video of her singing and signing on Agape’s Facebook page. I believe God must have plans for her there. Maybe she just needed to know that a family would fight for her. I know I don’t have the answers, but I am placing my trust in Him who’s ways are not my ways.
Please keep Kelly in your prayers especially on August 17th, which is her birthday. No matter how sure she is of her decision turning 14 will make it very real. Also, please say specific prayers for healing on her feet, she has some really bad blisters and sores on them right now. Thank you for supporting us and encouraging us on this journey. Please consider supporting Agape Family Life House and the other group homes in China and around the world trying to make it a better place for children who wait.
The truth is we wish no child had to leave their families, but the world is not perfect. There are many ways to help: Support families that are stuck in poverty so their families may stay intact. Support the group homes that are doing the very best they can for the children in their care. Support groups that are providing surgeries for children in need. Support those that are called to adopt. And finally, if you are being called to adopt yourself, step out of that comfort zone, and see what God has in store for you.
Archives
Blogroll
Links
- Chinese Children Adoption International
- Hats for Gracie
- Love Without Boundaries
- New Hope Foundation China
- Show Hope
Categories
- Adoption
- Adoption Questions
- Benjamin
- Cassie
- China 2013
- China 2014
- China 2016
- Codey
- Congenital Heart Defect
- Elijah
- Elyse
- Evangeline Faith
- Faith
- Family Life
- Food for Thought Friday
- Grace
- Homeschooling
- Hope
- Jasmine (Shuang Shuang)
- Jasmine's Blog
- Jasmine's Dream
- Jessica
- Kelly
- kidney transplant
- Kyle
- Lainey Rae
- Love Without Boundaries
- Maisey
- Making a difference
- Max
- Muscular Dystrophy
- Orphan Care
- Photos
- Thoughts to ponder
- Uncategorized
- Videos
- William
- Zachary