Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category

  • Christmas Letter 2016 (The Littles)

    Date: 2016.12.29 | Category: Adoption, Family Life, Uncategorized

    Merry Christmas everyone!

    We’ve had an exciting year in the Ellsbury household.

    We receive the miracle of a healed heart for Benjamin.  We were told that there was no hope and now his future is full of hope!  Ben turned eight and is enthralled with soldiers and police officers.  He has learned how to read and loves math and school.  To see our boy filled with energy and no longer blue is a beautiful gift.

    ben-now

    Little Evie has had a wonderful year.  She has grown since her last surgery and continues to do well with her health.  She is a ray of sunshine from the time she wakes up until her little head hits her pillow.  She is everything that is good with the world.

    evie-now

    She was adopted 3 and 1/2 years ago with Elijah.  They continue to be the best of friends.  These two should have their own reality show.  They are a hoot together!  I mean seriously who could resist these sweet, little faces?

    evie-eli-now

    I continue to stand in amazement of Eli.  Every day I am reminded of the miracle of modern medicine.  The amazing fact that he had main branch pulmonary arteries formed out of four collaterals and graft material in a 14 hour surgery just blows my mind.  I stand in awe of our awesome God and the gifts He gives.  It’s hard to take anything for granted when your life is filled with such miracles.

    eli-now

    Big miracles come in all shapes and sizes.  Lainey  has come so far from that sad little girl who never looked you in the eye.  She yells “mama and daddy”.  She hugs with such sweetness.  She gives love pats all day long.  She can not say many words but her love language is loud and clear.  She holds hands.  She hugs.  She loves and all the kids love her.  And the very best news is that now that her seizures are better under control she is actually sleeping for 4-5 hours at a stretch.  This has been very welcome to mama.  She will often sleep for four hours and go back to sleep for another four.  I can certainly live with that.

    lainey-now

    Maisey has become quite the little mother.  She is quiet and shy but since she has gotten her BAHA (bone conducting hearing aid) she has become more vocal.  She figured out that she is funny.  She hears so much better and her speech has come so far.  She takes care of everyone.  She loves BIG!  She loves art and drawing and writing.  She has decided she wishes to be a ninja librarian when she grows up.  It’s a job that would suit her well.

    maisey-now

    One of the best gifts during this past year is Maisey and Evie’s friendship.  Evie’s personality is BIG and Maisey is quiet so they have always gotten along but Maisey would choose to play by herself a lot.  That has changed this year as they both realize how much fun having a sister is.  It does my heart good to see them play.

    maisey-evie-now

    Max also received a BAHA this year.  It has been amazing to see him actually hear and start to understand what conversation is.  His world opened up when he realized he could actually ask for something.  He continues to learn more signs – last count was 300+.  We still have a long ways to go but he has certainly made great leaps this past year.  Probably his biggest step forward was understanding affection.  He asks for hugs and kisses now.  He sits on people’s laps.  It’s one of the hardest things on this mama’s heart to realize your children don’t know what hugs and kisses mean.  It’s a cultural thing as well as an institutional issue but when they finally get it….well, there’s not a whole lot that is better in the world.

    max-now

    Because of facial issues it’s still hard for him to smile big but his giggle is contagious.  He can barely contain his laughter and it makes the rest of us laugh too.  The boys play pretty well together.  They have their arguments as all siblings do but they really do get along amazingly well.  Their favorite thing to do is to dress up in costumes and play super heroes.  They make the cutest super heroes don’t you think?

    Super Hero Day 2016

    Our seventh little is William, we all refer to him as Liam.  Liam had a harder transition than any of the other littles.  He enjoyed his treatment in China.  He had a case of Little Emperor’s syndrome.  Don’t believe it’s a real thing?  Just google it.  Anyway, it was hard for him to share at first.  He wanted to always be first and when he didn’t get his way he would cry for hours.  He has come so far and has learned what family truly means.  I am proud of the progress he has made in 9 short months.  His whole world was turned upside down and he had to learn how things work here.  We still have moments, but they are few and far between now.  Sometimes adoption brings unknowns that you really couldn’t even foresee being a problem.  I’m glad he feels loved and cared for and that he trusts us.

    He is sweet and caring and a natural born leader.  He is charming and very smart.  He loves math and eagerly learns new things.  He loves to help.  We instituted a Leader Day for each little and he eagerly waits for his turn.  Wednesdays are Liam’s favorite days now.

    liam-now

    There is nothing little about our Littles.  The love BIG!  They love life!  Our house is noisy and chaotic and filled with laughter.  There is never a dull moment with them around.  They bring so much to our lives.  Dan and I constantly say, “We could have missed this!” and I’m here to tell you that we would have missed a lot.  Our lives would have been so much duller, quieter maybe, but so much less.  We have been blessed beyond measure to be able to call these children sons and daughters.

    Not a day goes by that I don’t stop in my tracks and think about the miracles that have happened to them with both emotional and physical healing.  I don’t deserve the blessings they bring but I am forever grateful that we get to be a part of their lives.

     

  • How We Ruined Our Older Children’s Lives

    Date: 2016.11.22 | Category: Adoption, Faith, Family Life

    Dan and I started out like most other people.  We met.  We fell in love.  We got married.   We dreamed of our first little house with a garden and a white picket fence.  Someday we would drive cars that didn’t break down weekly.  We would have a couple of kids, visit our family on holidays, go to church on Sunday, and lead a happy, comfortable life.

    After a couple years of marriage, we had the twins.  Codey and Kyle threw us for a loop but pretty soon we were back to our old comfortable dreams.  The death of a son and 14 months in the hospital surely meant that from here on out our lives would be easy.  Zach and Cassie were born.  They grew up.  They were bright, sweet, caring kids.  They excelled at school.  We dreamed of the day we would buy a bigger house and take nice vacations.  They would go to college.  Dan and I would retire and travel.  We were living the American dream.

    Then one day a little girl was born in the NICU where Dan was doing his fellowship. The pre-adoptive parents chose not to adopt her because of her heart defect and the bio parents chose to not to pursue treatment options, which meant she would die in the NICU without a family.  We had a choice.  We could step up and do something or pretend there was nothing that could be done and just stand by and watch her die.

    When we decided to do something, most people believed we had lost our minds.

    We were questioned about it over and over again.

    Why would you do this?

    Why would you bring a child who may die into your family?

    You are going to ruin your life.

    How will your other children survive the pain?

    They will resent you.

    Your are going to ruin your children’s lives.

    Over and over again we heard those words.  You WILL ruin their lives!

    Well, it’s taken me years to get to this point, but today I’ll admit it.  It’s true.  We ruined their lives.

    I’ll own it.  Heck, I’ll even go so far as to say it was the best darn thing that ever happened to them.

    Although I once feared ruining our children’s lives, I no longer do.  In fact, I love that their lives have been ruined.  In fact, I praise God that it happened so early in their lives.  My eyes were closed to the pain and suffering of the world for way too long. I lived in a very small comfortable bubble.   They, however, understand how beautiful life is and how fleeting life can be.

    They know more medical terms than any child should know. We ruined their normal, comfortable lives and filled their days with G-tube feedings, seizures, heart caths and surgeries, kidney failure, lower limb paralysis, SMA, PKU, brain damage, incontinence, and chemotherapy.  They know what it means to spend many, many days, weeks, and even months in the hospital.

    We brought hurting children into our home not once but 11 times. We ruined their picture perfect life.  We made our kids share their home, their rooms, their parents.  We’ve made them sit through doctor’s appointments and surgeries.  They’ve cried tears over shots, blood draws, and i.v. starts.  They’ve held trembling hands, wiped away tears, and been filled with fear as their sibling was taken away for surgery wondering if their sibling would ever come home again.

    These things that we feared would ruin their lives for the worse have in fact made them better humans.  These things have opened their heart to others.  They don’t see the world the same way that others do.  How could they?  Adopting has opened their eyes to those who live without a mother and a father.  It opened their eyes to what orphanage life is. It made them appreciate what they have.

    They have been ruined for the ordinary because they have seen miracles in our home.  Children who shouldn’t be healed are in fact, healed.  They know how fleeting life is because there are children, who are NOT guaranteed tomorrow, running and laughing through our halls.  They understand that it is better to love with your whole heart and maybe hurt later, than to never have known the love of these sweet souls.

    They know that intelligence doesn’t make you a better person.  They know that taking care of the least of these may not always be easy but it is worthwhile.  They know that little souls who never utter a word can speak volumes.

    They know there is no greater blessing than allowing God to work in your life.  They know that being obedient, even when it scares you, brings blessings beyond measure.

    Our children are not perfect.  They still make mistakes.  We all do.  But what I know for sure is that God has ruined them for what the world stands for and instead has showed them what He values above all else.  I praise God daily that they are no longer unaware.

    I once feared those words that others uttered…

    “You will ruin your other children’s lives!

    But now I embrace those words and I celebrate them.

    We have been ruined for the ordinary and instead have embraced the extraordinary!

    It doesn’t get any better than that!

    our-family-now

     

     

     

  • Adoption Questions (Part 2)

    Date: 2016.09.12 | Category: Adoption, Adoption Questions

    In yesterday’s blog, I asked the girls questions about how they were told about their upcoming adoption and what they thought adoption was.  I also asked them two more questions that I saved for today.  What kept them going and did anyone treat them special?

    Jasmine

    Jasmine’s story is so complex and full of pain and trauma that is beyond anything any child should have to endure.  She has allowed me to share, and she herself has shared on her blog – Flower That Blooms, some of the least traumatic events that have happened to her.  If you have read any of her story, just let that soak in for awhile – these are the least traumatic events.  If you have been moved by her stories, just remember there is so much more that she has endured, things that bring tears to my eyes just thinking about them, her body holds the scars of that abuse and even more so her heart, and still she is a light in the world.

    What kept her going?  When the nannies were offering to help her die on numerous occasions, why didn’t she take that path?  She sat alone in a corner all day long.  She wasn’t allowed to join the kids for meals or school because those happened on a different floor.  She was ridiculed and made to feel like a burden.  So when her time was running out and she didn’t think a family was coming and she knew the horror of what was to come, why didn’t she end her life?

    She told me she never chose that path because she felt a presence that she couldn’t explain.  She felt like her life had purpose, that there was something she was supposed to do.  She never understood it, but she knew she should not take her life.  I have been told by someone who met Jasmine while she was in the orphanage that there was a light about her, that she exuded something good.

    This just blows my mind. I’m not sure I would have been that strong.  I’m not sure I would have kept my cheerful, hopeful personality facing all those adversities.

    Did anyone have compassion for you?   She told me that she remembers a better time with her grandma before she was unable to move.  Things were better when she was younger, she could still sit unassisted and still move a bit.  As her ability to move slowly faded, she became more of a “burden”.  At the age of 5, she was left alone while everyone went to work.  She was moved to the alleyway when family gatherings happened because no one wanted to be bothered by the child who was “cursed” with a disability.  She was allowed to go to school for a little while until everyone complained about her being there.   She was spit on and shunned by everyone.  She remembers a little girl who moved in next door who stopped in to talk to her in the alleyway sometimes.  When this little girl’s parents realized she was talking to “the cripple”, they moved (or at least that was what Jasmine was told).  These are the stories she shares and yet still she is still compassionate and filled with joy.

    She says no one in the orphanage was kind to her.  Whenever anyone lifted her they complained about how heavy she was and what a burden it was to care for her.   Whenever anyone brought her her meal, they complained about bringing food from another floor and having to go out of their way for her.  When others visited the orphanage, the nannies were charming in front of the guests. Those days were special and good, because for a little while she would be treated kindly.  She wishes she could tell stories of someone who truly made her feel special, but she isn’t able to.

    Jasmine has lived through unthinkable trauma and yet she is a compassionate fighter who wants more than anything to change the lives for other children in need.   She was able to live through the worst and hope for the best, for this reason and 1,000 more she will forever by my hero.

    Elyse 2015

    I asked Elyse the same questions.  What kept her going?  She says she was happy in foster care because she didn’t know any better.  She thought she was treated well in China until she came here and felt the true love of a family and even the acceptance and compassion of complete strangers. The realization that she was treated so badly for so many years has been difficult and the anger is palpable.

    Elyse’s “love language” is touch.  A hug and kiss and snuggle and Elyse is in her happy place.  She didn’t have that in China – quite the opposite. Harsh words and harsh physical contact. She thought she deserved it.

    She said she kept going because that is “just what life was”.  That is all she ever knew and it seemed okay at the time. The little ones kept her going. She said she enjoyed feeding and caring for the little kids, especially the babies and toddlers.  While older kids were allowed to play outside on the playground, she played inside with the little children.  Caring for the little ones gave her life purpose and kept her going.

    Did anyone treat you special?  She said her foster grandma loved her.  She knows that now although she was angry at her after she first came home to us and realized that her grandma didn’t protect her from the abuse that was happening.  She has now come to grips with those feelings.  She knows that her grandma probably did the best she could, in the position she was in, and tried to show love.

    The orphanage was different.  Elyse was a burden.  She was told this over and over again.  No one wanted to change her.  No one wanted to help her move.  No one was truly kind.  They just did their jobs and let her know how hard it was to care for her.  Elyse says there were a couple girls that she was friends with and together they tried to make life more bearable.

    Elyse says she loves life.  I can see that about Elyse.  She is a fighter.  She is outspoken.  She is full of love and has a bright spirit.   Elyse knows what is right and fights for it.  She is competitive and full of drive.  She wants to change the world as much as Jasmine does but in her own way.  She will always be my hero for her feisty, spunky, full of love ways.

    img_8456

    JJ is still pretty quiet and I am very careful to not push her for answers she is not ready to give.  I gave her the option of doing this with Jasmine and Elyse.  She asked Elyse and Jasmine why they did it.  Elyse and Jasmine both told her that the reason they decided to blog was that it would let others know what it was like for them as orphans.  JJ said she wanted to help to.

    What kept you going?  She said nothing did.  I told her that I had seen pictures of her smiling when she was very little. I asked her what changed.  The last pictures we got of her were so sad.  You could see the sadness in her eyes.  I asked her why she was so sad and her soft whisper brought me to my knees.  She looked me in the eyes and said, “I almost gived up mama!”

    JJ was separated from everyone.  She was in the hospital side of the orphanage.  She had no friends.  She wasn’t allowed to go anywhere.  She wasn’t allowed a wheelchair.  She was isolated, alone, and afraid.  I told her I saw pictures of her at a table with other kids and she confirmed what Jasmine said – that it was all show for when people visited.  She lived for those days.

    Was anyone kind to her?   She said no one was.  I can believe it because when they handed her off to us on the day we visited the orphanage, their comments made Dan and I cringe. It was like they were happy to be getting rid of her and relived to not do her cares anymore.  It was awful.  JJ was so sad.

    She said they often told her she was bad.  They would “forget” to feed her.  They said she was smelly and none of the adults wanted to be around her.

    JJ is tough.  She stands up for what she believes in.  You should see her now.  I am so proud of my little girl for fighting and holding on until we got there.   She deserves a super hero cape of her own.

    There are many people who tell me this wasn’t the reality for their children in the orphanage.  I say thank goodness.  But this is my girls’ reality.  I know there is a pecking order in these orphanages.  Even among the children if you can not walk, you are looked down upon.  If you are incontinent, it adds a whole other layer of disgust from others.  There are many factors – province, directors, nannies, disability, the list goes on and on.  We are sharing their story to show one side of what happens.  To open eyes and to help others understand that an institution is not a family.  It never will be family.  Children need families.

    “A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”  – Christopher Reeve

    Maybe your home could use a superhero too!  🙂

  • Adoption Questions (Our Older Girls)

    Date: 2016.09.11 | Category: Adoption, Adoption Questions

    A friend asked me if the girls had ever talked about what they were told before being adopted, what they thought adoption would be like, and how they feel about it now.  The girls often talk about how they felt before being adopted, how they felt when we met in China, how they felt when they first came home, and how they feel now, but I’ve never put in my blog.  I am going to pose these questions to Jasmine, age 17 – adopted at age 14, Elyse, age 10 – adopted at age 9, Jessica, age 8 – adopted age 8 and write their answers below.

    What were you told by the nannies about adoption before you were adopted?

    Jasmine – Adoption means you get a daddy and a mama.  They won’t do anything for you.  They will tell you to do lots of hard stuff like cooking, cleaning, dig dirt.  You have to be very good.  If you are not good, then they will sell you.  The other people will buy you and you will have to do even harder work or they will send you back to China.  If you come back to China, they will treat you like a pig because you are so fat and covered with hair.

    Elyse – The nannies said that Americans have so much money.  They will give you whatever you want.  They told me it would be great and I should be happy to get to go to America where everyone has lots of stuff.

    Jessica – The nannies say I will have so much money and my parents can buy me so many toys and stuff that I want.

    What did you think adoption/having a family would be like?

    JasmineI had a grandma who cared for me until I was 8.  I sort of knew what a family meant.  I thought I would work hard for the family and maybe they would love me a little bit and be proud of me just a little bit because I helped them.  I just wanted to have a family so I didn’t have to just sit with old people in an institution.

    Elyse – I was in foster care so I knew what it was like having a family.  I thought the people would like me and I would work hard for them.  I thought that the family could help me be able to walk.  The nannies tell me that if I can walk and have babies, then maybe someone will love me and I will have great worth.  Before when I see people come to adopt children, I saw great love but I am not really sure what love is but I think that is what I see.

    Jessica – I don’t know what family is. I was scared because I don’t know what family means but I really want a mama and daddy.  (When I asked her how she knew what a mama and daddy were, she said that she didn’t know.  It was much like a story that she hoped was true.  Elyse said she meant a fairytale.)

    When and how did they tell you that you had a family coming to adopt you?

    JasmineThe boss came in one day and he said “You have a family adopting you.  They really like you.  In a couple months, they will come get you.”  The nannies all cheered because they wouldn’t have to take care of me any more.  They drank beer and celebrated by eating really good food because I would be leaving.  The big kids and the nannies laughed and said, “You are so fat.  We should cook you and eat you.”   I was upstairs by myself and they took a picture of the party and brought it up to me.  I almost cried but I was just happy that I had a family coming to get me.  I had almost given up that anyone would come.  Anything had to be better than this.  The nannies often offered to help me die.  I didn’t want to die.  Family had to be better.

    Elyse The helper of the boss said that I had a family come in a couple days, but it was a very long time that I wait.  She said you will have good family.  She showed me pictures.  She said there is a lot of people in your family.  Other people say it must be an orphanage or a foster home that I am going to.  After I get home, it was a long time before I realized my family was a family and not a foster home.

    Jessica – A girl who is the boss of everything tells me that I have a family coming.  They said that she was so happy that I can go to America.  They were happy that they don’t have to take care of me anymore because I am not good girl and do stuff that is not good and they are tired of taking care of me.

    What did the caregivers say the day you got adopted?

    JasmineThe nannies said I had to be very good or mama and daddy would send me back.  The nannies told me that mama and daddy wouldn’t want me when they saw I couldn’t walk so I had to be extra good.  They told me that if I didn’t get adopted that I would go to the old people place where I can’t have wheelchair.  I would just have to sit on the floor with the crazy old people.  No one would feed me and I would die.

    Elyse – They told me that today is the day you can meet your family.  You will get to walk when you get to America. They tell me that I have to call them.  One girl said that the family would be good to me.  I was very scared.  I kept wondering what this family be like.

    Jessica – They got all my stuff together and they said I was going goodbye.  They told me they would see me later.  I was very, very scared.

    What did you think when you first met your mom and dad?

    JasmineDaddy is so tall and mama has curly, yellow hair.  Mama is so pretty.  I had never seen American people.  Mama and daddy were so nice.  They acted like they cared about me.  They let me pick what I wanted to eat.  I had KFC and Coke.  I couldn’t believe they let me pick my food.  They let me have two glasses of pop.  I wonder why they be so good to me?

    It was so funny to be hugged.  I don’t know what a hug is.  Mama took my arms and put them around her.  I really, really liked to be hugged but it was weird at first.   Mama and daddy said over and over again, “WoAiNi”.  In China you only say, “I love you” if you are dating or married, but mama and daddy say it over and over again. Mama and daddy seem so happy to be with me.  I can hardly believe it.

    Elyse – (Dad wasn’t able to travel on this trip.)  I thought my mama was Stephanie’s mom.  When I found out that she wasn’t grandma but mama I was upset because I don’t want an overweight mama. (Elyse is crying as she says this because it upsets her so that she judged me by China standards.) In China I was told that being overweight was bad and we made fun of people who were fat.   Mama hug me and say “WoAiNi” and I don’t understand what those things are.  I don’t know love but mama show me love.  By the night, I wanted mama to sleep with me because I was scared to be by myself.

    Jessica –  I thought daddy was so tall.  I was so afraid.  Mama held me and I like it but I am was afraid to like it.  I don’t remember some stuff because I was so afraid.

    What did you think about America when you first got here?

    Jasmine Americans eat really weird food like burritos and sandwiches.  They use a fork and knife to eat their food.  I only use chopstick in China.  But I like to use a fork because it is so easy.  I can drink as much as I want.  In China, I can only have two little glasses of water a day because the nannies don’t want to take me to the bathroom, but in America I can drink more.

    I never knew people could drive.  It was so weird to drive around in the car.  I thought the only people who had cars drove taxi.  Mama and daddy had change in the front of their car in the cupholder so I thought daddy was a taxi driver, but I didn’t understand because daddy said he was a doctor.

    Elyse – There is so much food and I have lots of sisters and brothers.  I have lots of clothes and toys.  In orphanage, I never get to pick my clothes but now I have my own.  I liked most of the food and I was so happy that they have corn, fish and lots of fruit.  I came home right at Christmas time and it was crazy.  I don’t know what Christmas means.  It was fun with family and presents and laughing.  Daddy let me fall asleep on his lap.  Daddy tell me that Christmas is about God’s birthday.   I didn’t understand what God means.  Family treat me really good and I am really happy and I really like it.

    Jessica – I do not like America food.  I like the house.  I did not want to be around anyone except Grace and Elyse in my room.  I was so scared all the time.  Everyone is so much bigger than me.  I feel like I don’t deserve stuff or that people will not like me.

    What do you think about adoption now?

    Jasmine (home 3 1/2 years)I think adoption is a great thing.  I like my big family.  I have a really big family and lots of people to love me.  Having a big family is fun.  We can have big parties.  I am so happy that I was adopted.  Everything the nannies told me before being adopted was a lie.  Now I can live my life and figure out my purpose.  I want to help many, many kids get adopted.

    Elyse (home 1 1/2 years) – I like adoption.  I wish all kids could get adopted and see how it feels to be loved.  Before I meet my sisters and brothers I don’t know what it will be like but I am so happy that I have family to play with and have a mommy and daddy.  Family is so very good.  I think family treat me really good.  They always hug me and kiss me.  I can not walk but they tell me I can do anything.  I wish I could tell all kids to not be scared about adoption.  It is a very good thing.  I hope people will understand how scared the kids are.

    Jessica (home 6 months) – I like family.  I like be loved.  I like that no one tells me I’m smelly or bad or that they don’t want to help me.   Mama never be mad that she has to help with my tube or pick me up or help change me.  Mama never say I am smelly.  Mama and daddy say I am beautiful and smart and sweet.  I like the way I feel inside when mama and daddy hug me.  I like that mama carry me places.  Adoption is good.

  • Benjamin’s Miracle

    Date: 2016.05.29 | Category: Adoption, Benjamin

    We woke early on Sunday morning to leave for the airport.  The first words I heard were from Maisey, who was adopted with Benjamin, “Bring him home mama.  Ok?” We arrived in Boston on Sunday night.  Benjamin had his pre-op appointment bright and early Monday morning.  He was listed as the first case for surgery on Tuesday.   He was extubated Tuesday night.  We spent one day in the PICU.  He could have gone home on Friday, but they wanted to do one more chest x-ray Saturday morning just to be safe.  This surgery was miraculous but not because it went so well or so quickly BUT merely because it happened at all.

    Ben is home

    How completely humbling it is to watch as your child receives a miracle.

    Mir-a-cle (noun) – a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences.

    We heard that word more than a few times while in Boston this trip.  “Can you believe this happened?”  “We are trying to figure out why Ben responded so well.”  “Isn’t this amazing!”  “We can’t believe it!”

    It’s been an unbelievable journey with him.  We went from having no hope to hope for a complete repair.  Why?  Why Ben?  Why our family?   We are no more special or more deserving than the next family.  We have a strong faith BUT so do most of the people I have met on this same journey.  Things happen, good and bad, and it makes no sense to me.  I can’t wrap my head around it.  I can’t see the big picture.  

    Have you ever stopped and wondered why you get to live in America?  Why you wake up free?  Why you have a warm house to live in?  Why you can go to any store and buy your groceries?   Why do you have clean, running water?  Why don’t you live in a mud hut?  Why don’t you have to walk miles to find your water?  Why do you have health care?  We are no more deserving than the rest of the world.  Our faith isn’t necessarily stronger.  ALL of us are sinners deserving of nothing so why do some have and some do not?

    During the past few years I have watched four families in our China Heart Adoption group have kiddos that received heart transplants.  The road wasn’t easy.  It was paved with detours and long waits.  It had more than it’s share of heartache and close calls, and yet there were blessings beyond measure as each of these kiddos received a new chance at life. Their lives and their stories will stay with me forever.  (Lily)  (Rachel)  Joshua and (Rini)

    I’ve seen some of the sweetest children you could ever hope to meet, battle alongside their families who have great faith, not make it out of the hospital.  (Timothy) (Eisley) (Daniel H.) (Teresa) (Zoe) (Rosie) (Daniel)

    I’ve seen others who have been hospitalized for months and months and months and have major complications.

    And I’ve seen some fly through it just like Ben.

    Their faces have stayed with me.  Their stories of faith and fight have moved me.

    There are 277 people on our heart group for families adopting from China.  We are all walking this journey of adoption and faith and congenital heart defects.  We all have a story.  All of us.  Some of us are more public with our blogs and Facebook pages, but everyone’s story gets told to those around them, their family, their churches, their friends, etc.  Everyone of these heart babies have a story.  Every one of these children have touched others lives.

    Every year during February a dear heart mama, Jaime, puts together the 28 Days of Hearts Blog where these families share those stories.  These are stories that encourage others.  When we traveled this past February another mama said she knew me and figured out it was through this heart blog.

    We will never know how many people are touched.  We can not know what the ripple effect of their lives is.  Their lives, no matter how long, have great worth and are worth every minute that we fight for them!

    I have a hard time with sayings such as “there but for the grace of God go I” but at the same time I’ve name a daughter, Grace, because I truly feel she was saved by God’s grace.

    Or “God must have plans for him” because whether a child survives or not God had plans for this child.  And I know God does not mean to harm us, but doesn’t a child’s death mean we are harmed?  and yet Jeremiah 29:11 is still one of my favorite verses.   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    Or “God heard all our prayers”  because the reality is God hears all prayers.  Sometimes we don’t get the answer we are hoping for, but God hears the prayers.  We have been on both sides of this.  We’ve prayed fervently and had a son die and we’ve prayed fervently and had children receive miraculous recoveries.  So how do we wrap our head around verses like these  “And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.”  John 14:13

    Believe me there’s not a lot worse in the world than picking out a little white casket for your child or wondering how in the world you are going to afford to bury your son.  We prayed hard for Kyle.  Others prayed hard for Kyle.  I don’t know why our prayers weren’t answered like we wanted.  I don’t know why he had to die.  I don’t have to understand the plan to TRUST the plan or to know for a fact that the plan is good.  “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.  Isaiah 55:8 NLV

    I understand there is so much I can’t possibly comprehend.  God’s ways are not my ways, but I do know these little lives, whether they live a long life or a short life, matter.  People are moved by these stories whether happy or sad.  They are moved by the struggles and the pain.  Many, many people come together and pray for these hurting families.  Lives are changed.  More children are adopted.  More people realize they too can do this.  Families are supported.   People are encouraged.

    None of us want to go through the bad but the truth is that is where we turn our lives over.  It’s in the messy parts of life where we can’t figure out how to go on that we draw closer to God.  We are no longer too busy to take the time to pray.  Our hope lies in him.  We can’t go on without Him.  These little lives bring us closer to God.  They make our walk stronger.  They make our faith more real.  They take us so far out of our comfort zone that we can barely breathe.  We turn it over, our pain and our worry.  We let God hold it.  We truly understand for the first time what “cast our cares on Him” really means.  We find peace where it shouldn’t be.  We find strength from Him.  We learn to fight for what’s important.  We learn how to let go of the small things.

    And when the unthinkable happens, we find peace in the hope that eternity brings.  We hold tight to the promises that this is not the end.  We look forward with new understanding of what the joy of reaching heaven’s gates means.

    These little lives matter.  They are worth the fight.  Although we can look at Ben’s recovery as a miracle.   The reality is that all their lives are miraculous.   They have survived the unthinkable.  They have lived with oxygen saturations that leave them blue with clubbed fingers and toes and still they are happy.

    fingers

    They still find reasons to smile even when they can not run and play like the other children.  They still love BIG even though their little hearts are broken.  We learn so much from these little lives.  Each and every one of their lives is a miracle.

    We are lucky enough to have four miracle heart babies in our family.  Four times we have stepped out in obedience.  Four times we have been scared beyond belief.  Eight times we have shown up for open heart surgery.  People ask, “Is this a big surgery?”  Just let me say for the record that any time they open your child’s chest, put them on bypass, and mess with their heart, it’s a BIG surgery.  It doesn’t matter if it last 6 hours or 14 hours.  You never know what is going to happen.  Granted some surgeries have much greater success rates, but it is still frightening.  It is still going into the unknown.

    I want you to understand what it is like to live in my house.  I wake up in the morning and stand at the doorway, while my miracles walk towards me.  I know at any moment it could end, as it could for anyone, and I appreciate every breathe they get to take.

    So although I am singing praises from the mountain tops about Benjamin’s miracle, I want you to understand that every life is a miracle.  Everyone of these heart children’s lives were a miracle.  There are many more miracles waiting for their forever families.  If God is talking to you, and you are scared beyond belief, we’ve all been there, please reach out.  Any of us would love to encourage you on your journey too.

    “God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.” – unknown

  • Sharing a Facebook Post

    Date: 2016.03.13 | Category: Adoption, Benjamin

    I recently posted this on our family’s Facebook group “Seriously Blessed by Adoption”.   It seems to have resonated with others.  I have never had a a post be liked or shared so many times.  To be honest, I’m not sure why.  I have said these same words many times, in many different ways.  Maybe it’s because it shows a daddy’s love for his son.  Maybe it’s because so many of these sweet boys wait.  I’m not really sure why but I thought I would share it with those who just follow us on my blog too.

    China trip 2012 086

    When we decided to adopt Maisey, our agency told us of a program China had started where you could adopt two at once. We prayed about it and discussed it with our family. Hope really wanted us to adopt a little boy with a heart defect like hers and since Dan and I were older and absolutely positive we would never be going to China again, we decided to proceed.

    Every time I think about how positive we were that this would be the completion of our family, I chuckle. It’s a good thing I had no clue where God was going to lead us because I think I would have ran the other direction.

    It was life changing when they placed Maisey and Ben in our arms. It was as if my eyes had suddenly been opened. Here was a 3 1/2 year old little boy, who wouldn’t talk, refused to let you call him his Chinese name, was starving and ate for hours after we got him. Ben slept with his bowl and food in his hands for months. With Maisey they threw her in my arms, like she was nothing, I can’t even explain it. To this day my heart hurts over the utter worthlessness with which she was treated.

    I can still see Dan pacing in the registration office. Every other child had already arrived. I had been holding Maisey for quite a while at this point. All of a sudden Dan sees him outside the door, as soon as Ben walked through that door, Dan picked him up. That is not how it is supposed to work. You are supposed to wait until they hand them to you. There is paperwork and procedures that need to be followed. I often wish I had that moment on film, but it happened so fast. Four years later I can still see it and it still brings tears to my eyes.

    Ben went to Dan and he was instantly at home. When we visited the orphanage two days later, Ben refused to go to anyone. He held on to Dan for dear life. What makes a child hold on to a 6 foot tall, bearded, white man and refuse to go to anyone who has cared for him during his whole life? Ben buried his head in Dan’s shoulder, wrapped his arms tight around Dan’s neck, and hid.

    During those days, my eyes were opened to how much a child wants a family. My heart would never be the same again. I walked through the halls of that orphanage and knew most of those little faces would never know what family means. Just because you have never known the love of a family doesn’t mean you don’t want it or know, deep down, that there is something missing.

    I often wish I could touch people on the shoulder and have those emotions or memories transferred to them. They would never be the same again. I thought I knew before we traveled. I thought I got it, but what I know for a fact is I was clueless. Completely clueless!!!!

    Everyone needs to feel safe and loved. This is one of my favorite pictures from our trip. Ben loves his daddy. Ben found his safe place.

     BenBen and daddy

     

  • Jessica and Liam’s Update

    Date: 2016.03.12 | Category: Adoption, Elyse, Jessica

    Life has been interesting since we got home on the 4th.  We arrived home Friday night and Sunday morning Jessica awoke with a temperature.  We  already had an appointment scheduled for Monday morning with the pediatrician so we started antibiotics and planned to see the pediatrician Monday morning for some lab work.

    Her lab work was worse than we had hoped. Dan called the nephrologist and urologist at the children’s hospital and they fit her in for an appointment on Wednesday.  Grace and Elyse, who were trying to belp, had told Jessica that this was just an appointment and that she would not be admitted to the hospital.  Jessica was comforted by that.  She had been hospitalized and gone through surgery alone in China.  She was very fearful.

    We had her appointment where they changed her Foley catheter and drew labs. We left with a plan in place to get extra tests and go from there.  Unfortunately, as we finished eating, our phone rang and they asked us to come back to have her admitted. The lab results had come back and they were worse than Monday’s. She is extremely anemic and her labs were showing her kidneys to be working at about 15%.  We needed to start an IV and try to stabilize her electrolytes

    The good news is that Jessica (JJ) had a few good days at home and had bonded with Gracie and Elyse.  JJ did not want to be part of much that was going around the house.  She doesn’t like American food. She doesn’t necessarily like adults. It’s been interesting to say the least.  We have never had a child that wasn’t at least pretty comfortable by the time we got home from China.  It’s going to take JJ a very long time to trust us and to know that we truly love her and will never leave her. Add on a hospital admission and the time to trust us extends even further.

    image

    On the other side of the coin is Liam.  He looks like he has been here forever.  He is right in the middle of the littles all the time.  He likes the food, especially the treats big sister, Cassie, bought him.

    image

    He likes the kid’s schedule. He likes the toys they play with.  He likes to snuggle up with them to go to sleep.

    image

    He likes pretty much everything.

    image

    I am thankful that he has adjusted so well. It would have been horrible to leave him otherwise.  He loves to FaceTime and show me what he has been doing.  He is the happiest, silliest little boy.  Everyone adores him!

    The prognosis for JJ is complicated.  We don’t know where her baseline will ultimately end up.  Today her labs were better and her kidney function was about 20%.  The formula they use to figure your GFR takes many things in to account.

    Dan was at work today and the nephrologist sat and talked with me for quite awhile about what was to be expected in the future.  Of course there are many variables but we know for certain she will need dialysis and ultimately a transplant. There has been too many years of damage and scar tissue.  We had hoped to get to her in time to reverse some of the damage and avoid a transplant. I know now that isn’t possible.

    Her bones are almost see through from calcium loss and lack of vitamin D.  She is extremely anemic and will need weekly shots to help her produce red blood cells.  The doctors are trying to avoid transfusions because of the need for a transplant.

    She’s very sad and hasn’t been eating or drinking very much.  Elyse reminded her that she has to be able to take all 5 meds by mouth and drink and eat well to get to come home.  This afternoon she did much better.

    The nephrologist said he isn’t sure whether she will need dialysis in a month or a few months.  We will know more in the coming days.  We know anything under 50% kidney function leads to dialysis at some point in your life.  We know she will lose approximately 3% kidney function a year. We know lower than 20% and they start talking transplant.  We know a number of 15% gets you dialysis.

    She will have a sedated MRI and CAT scan on Monday to look at her back and hips.  We were lead to believe she had spina bifida but that isn’t true.  Her little legs are very contractured and very, very small.  Her back has many fused and misshapen vertebra.

    Genetics, orthopedics and neurosurgery have been called for consults and they have ordered the tests they need to figure this out.

    From her X-ray, we know she has pretty severe “s” scoliosis.  From the renal ultrasound we know her kidneys are very small.  At one point the lab tech left to get the physician and the physician informed me the kidneys were the size of a newborns and he wanted me to get my husband, who is a physician, so he could talk to him.  They aren’t quite that little, but they are very small.

    She needs urodynamics and other tests to see what else is going on. It’s a lot for a little girl, who is already hurt and fearful, to go through.

    She will let me comfort her after her procedures.  This picture is after they placed her PICC line.  When I rub her head or hold her hand, she pretends to be asleep so it isn’t like she is giving in.   You will see her look out under her closed lids and shut her eyes really fast and she sighs and leans into me.  It’s her way of being comforted without acting like she likes it or needs it or giving up control.

    image

    She is one tough little girl.   She is spunky and stubborn and a fighter.   I know this is what has kept her alive and fighting.  I respect that and will give her the distance and time she needs to feel safe.  Someday she will accept our love and know what family means.

    We knew the possibilities going in.  We were as prepared as we could be.  We were hoping we were wrong but knew in the end it didn’t matter.  She is our daughter and you fight for your children.

    Hopeful for more time for her to adjust before dialysis needs to start but we will do what is necessary to give her the very best chance at a happy, hope-filled life.

    Because she is worth it!!!

     

     

     

     

     

  • The True Cost

    Date: 2016.03.08 | Category: Adoption

    Everyone talks about the cost of adoption.  It’s too expensive.  You won’t hear me disagree with that.  It is too expensive.   When we adopted Hope 16 years ago, it was $10,000 for lawyer fees, court costs, and our homestudy.  $10,000 worth of fees for us to be a family to a child that was left alone in the hospital.  Was the fee too much?  Probably!  Was Hope worth it?  YES!  Every cent.

    But the reality is there are many more costs involved with adoption.  There’s the cost of time.  The cost of heartache.  The cost of little hearts waiting for a family.  Medical costs.  There is a cost to your family.  You name it there’s a cost.

    So what is the life of a child worth?  I know people hate the word “save” when it comes to a child that is waiting for a family.  I personally don’t have a huge issue with it because I have been saved.  I was saved by my Lord Jesus Christ.  I was literally saved by my husband from a life that was less than.  Dan, through the gospel, taught me that others hurting me didn’t mean that I deserved to be hurt.  Dan taught me grace and forgiveness.  I had been through a lot in my early years and I believed I wasn’t worth loving.  That pain, those awful, horrible feelings are what help me relate to my hurting children.  How much is it worth to show another person their worth?

    Was it worth the hours Dan held me while I cried?  Was it worth the pain he felt until I truly trusted that he loved me?  Everything in life has a price.  EVERYTHING!   I’m thankful Dan found me worth his time.  I’m thankful he believed in me enough to stick with me.  I’m thankful he saw my worth when I couldn’t.

    Last night at Wal-Mart, Dan started talking to a family about why we were buying so many groceries.  He explained we just got back from China.  They asked how many children we had and Dan said “16”.   The woman looked at me and said, “My mom had 16 children and she died at 42.  Just be careful.”    It would be comical if that wasn’t the first time I had heard this.  I heard it when we adopted the first two. “You know you are older. You don’t want to take on too much.”  I heard it after we came home with the four.  “Four kids at a time would be hard on someone half your age!”  I hear it because Lainey doesn’t sleep and I am sometimes really tired.  “Take care of yourself.  You don’t want it to kill you.  You need to be around for your kids.”

    These are caring words.  I understand them.  I believe them.   I do need to take care of myself, but here lies the problem for me.  What if adopting all these kids makes me die at 75 instead of 85?  Wouldn’t 10 years of my life be worth it to improve theirs?  What is an ok cost for bringing a child here and getting the surgery they need that will extend their life?  What cost is ok for keeping them out of an adult institution where it is survival of the fittest?  What cost is ok for letting a child feel love?  What cost is ok for giving someone the unconditional love of family?

    If it costs you a vacation, is that ok?

    If it costs you sleep, is that ok?

    If it costs you friends and family, is that ok?

    If it costs you in your free time, is that ok?

    If it makes you dead tired, is that ok?

    If you are emotionally drained and feel you have nothing left, is that ok?

    How much would be okay to spend for an adoption?  $10,000?  $15,000?  $20,000?   I believe it is about so much more than the money involved.  We all waste money.  We all find money to spend on the things we really want.  We want a new car so we are willing to borrow for six years to pay for it but we can’t borrow for six years to pay for an adoption?  I don’t think that money is the true cost that is stopping people.

    I believe it is much like the cost of truly following God.  I never gave it much thought in my 20’s or 30’s.   I believed in God.  I went to church on Sunday.  I tithed.  I was a fairly good person.  I was kind to people.  I helped when I could.  But if you truly have a relationship with the Lord, there is a great cost in following God and His commands.  There are many stories in the Bible about giving up everything and following Him.  Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. –  Matthew 16:24

    How many of us are willing to give up anything?  How many of us would be willing to deny ourselves instant gratification for what we truly want?  How many of us complain when we stand in line too long?  Or complain when the Sunday morning service goes too long?   Or when there is no internet connection?  Would we give up cable and our weekly pizza night to adopt?   Would we feel it was worth the cost to take our children out of sports or dance and make them share a room?   What is okay to give up?

    People who are passionate about things give up much to reach their goals.  Marathon runners do it.  The climbers of Mount Everest do it.  Olympic trainers do it.   They are willing to sacrifice much to reach their goal.  When something has great value to you, it is worth the cost.  So why should adoption be any different?

    The cost of loving Liam isn’t much.  It’s pretty darn easy.  He’s adjusted fantastically.  He likes American food.  He has had no jet lag.  He’s gone to sleep easily and slept through the night from the very first night.  He follows the kids and does what they do.  He’s jumped into doing chores, even though he wasn’t asked to.  He loves his siblings and the games they play.  He is joyful about every new thing he gets to experience.  It has been pretty darn effortless.

    But the cost of loving JJ is much more.  She is hurting.  She strikes out.  She is angry.  She doesn’t trust.  She does not believe she is worth any of this.  You can not tell her she is pretty.  She will shake her head right off her shoulders.  She will not let you comfort her.  My heart hurts because I know she has been hurt. What I have learned through the lessons of God and the patience of my husband is that love can heal.  Trust can be earned.  Fear can be erased.  Forgiveness can be achieved.  Grace is a beautiful thing.

    JJ deserves unconditional love.  JJ deserves a chance to grow up to be all she can be.  Is she worth the medical costs?  Yes.  Is she worth the pain we feel from rejection?  Yes.  She is worth the time and energy that will be expended. She is worth the tears I will shed.  She is worth the sleep I will lose.   I believe the cost in not loving JJ is more than the cost of loving her.  I believe she deserves to be safe.  I believe she deserves to be happy.  I believe that whatever it costs me is worth it.

    My life is not worth more than JJ’s.  My time is not more valuable than hers.  God loves her with the same abandon He loves me.  I may not have understood what is truly important in the first part of my life, but I understand it now, and the cost of pretending it’s not true is just too much!

    “I want to run my life in that manner.  I want the second half to be stronger than the first.”  We we can run faster as the race goes on in our final years, we can sprint, knowing that we can collapse in His arms.”  – Francis Chan

     

  • How Do You Know if You Should You Adopt?

    Date: 2016.03.07 | Category: Adoption

    Edited – This blog post is not directed towards anyone.  It is not meant in a negative way.  I merely wanted to explain that I don’t know.  I don’t know how you decide.  I wish I could tell you.  I wish I could look at someone and say, “Adoption would be a great fit for you or I think God has other plans for your family.”I want to share with you how I have made my decisions.  Every one of the excuses at the end of the blog I have said.  I had to work through whether or not those excuses truly stood up or not and I shared how I make those decisions.

    ——————————————————————————————————————-

    I’ve been asked this question over and over again – “How do I know if I should adopt?”

    I was thinking back to our decisions to adopt JJ and Liam.   I drug my feet on adopting JJ.  I said, “I was too busy. I’ve done my part. I’m tired.  I’m worn thin.”   I thought JJ was beautiful and would make a wonderful daughter but her needs weren’t simple.  We are talking possible kidney transplant or dialysis.  Her kidneys are very sick.  You aren’t a 25 pound 8 year old because you are healthy.  Could I add that to my plate and do it well?  Would it hurt my other children?  Would it take away from them?  How could it be possible that we were the right parents for her?

    Then one night Elyse said to Dan and I, “If JJ dies and we don’t try, I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself.  I know she is my sister.”  Her words didn’t instantly make me say “yes” but they did make me think long and hard about it.  It means I looked at every possible scenario and wondered if I could handle it.   If I am honest, I knew the moment I looked at her picture, that she was my daughter and I was letting fear stop me from proceeding.  I came to realize that doing nothing was just as bad as standing in my living room looking at one of my children, and deciding I was too busy to care for their medical needs and letting them die.  I pictured myself at the end of my life and God showing me JJ’s picture and Him asking me “Why didn’t you do something?”  At that moment, I knew I had to do something.

    The decision to adopt Liam was instant peace.  I have never felt such overwhelming peace.  Yes, this is my son.  Yes, everything will work out.  It makes no sense but I know it is true.  How can you explain that to someone?  For me, it’s God.   If you don’t believe in God it becomes me being some overemotional, crazy person.  There’s been no magical formula that happens so we know we should adopt.  Every one of our adoption journeys has been different.   Sometimes it brings me to my knees and I can’t imagine not proceeding.  Sometimes it’s just been an overwhelming peace.  Sometimes instant tears.  Sometimes it is someone else in the house who has been moved by a child and after much prayer you realize it is right.

    This is why it is hard.  This is why I can’t answer for you.  The truth is I can’t tell you if you should adopt.  I can’t tell you whether it is right or wrong for your family.  I can’t tell you how to convince your spouse.  I can’t tell you it won’t be too hard.  I can’t tell you it won’t change your life.  I can’t tell you that your bio children will do fine with it.  I can’t tell you that your friends and family will be supportive.

    What I can tell you for sure your journey will have moments of difficulty.  Even when the child adjusts amazingly well there will be things that come up.  Because it’s life.  Life is messy.  Adoption comes from a place of pain and loss.  There is hurt involved.  There are emotions that will overwhelm.  You can’t avoid it.  It may be easy and it may be hard, but I believe it is worth it.  The hardest parts of my life are what have made me rely on God more and have grown my relationship with Him.  The hard times have led to the most joy, maybe because I can appreciate it more.

    What I can tell you as an absolute is if you are a Christian, God did NOT call you to be comfortable. God didn’t call you to sit back and let others do everything.  God asks you… NO! He commands you to be His hands and feet.  Your call may not be adoption but you are being called and if you feel comfortable and never stretched, I would say you truly need to look at your life and see what it is saying.

    People should know what you stand for.  People should know what you care about.  People should be able to look at your life and see what you are passionate about.  Otherwise you are just coasting.  You are just existing.  There’s been a lot of talk in the press about this lately.  People claiming to be Christian but their words and actions don’t line up with what the Bible teaches.  What if the camera was turned on you?  Would your words and actions line up?

    Are you living a life of fear and selfishness?  Are you living a life of self-centeredness?  Are you concerned about anyone else?  Do you give as little as you can or do you do all that you can in every way that you can with your time, your words, and your money?

    I’m going to share one of the most thought provoking statements Elyse has ever uttered.  She is 10 and has been home a year.  She is a very bright girl.  “Mama, I think so many children are not adopted because too many people are afraid to say “yes”.”

    She had me pegged.  I was fearful.  Fearful that this adoption would be the one that tipped the cart.  Fearful that even more people would talk about how crazy we were.  Fearful that I just couldn’t handle it.  Fearful to put my heart on the line again.

    Are you fearful?  Are you afraid?  I say this is a good thing.  Read everything you can.  Prepare yourself in every way you can.   Surround yourself with supportive people, because there are always doubts about what you can handle, whether you can afford it, whether you will have the resources, what it will do to your family.  No one goes into adoption thinking they have it all figured out.    Everyone has moments of doubt or worry or at least they should.  You can know God is calling and step out in faith and still have fear.  We are only human.

    Having a family and belonging is a beautiful thing.  It’s something we all want – to be loved for who we are.  We want to belong, to have roots, to have a safe place to fall, and somewhere to call home.  Sometimes when you adopt it works like it did with Liam.  It makes no sense that a 5 year old would understand what family means, but he seems to.  He ran to us and hasn’t looked back.  His foster mom prepared him well.  She seemed more like a teacher who was training him and getting him ready for his life.  It felt like a graduation when he left as she said, “Go and be happy!”

    JJ & Liam

    Liam’s adoption day was wonderful but it’s not always that simple.  Sometimes you show up and the child is raging.  Sometimes when you show up the child is so shut down you aren’t sure you can ever reach them.  That is where we are with JJ.  She’s been hurt. She’s seen friend after friend be adopted and she wasn’t chosen. She has obviously been told that she has very little worth.  She hides in public.  She won’t look in a mirror.  Her little head hangs low and she won’t talk.  Does that mean that this adoption was wrong?  NO!  Should I be upset and have my feelings hurt because she isn’t instantly throwing herself at me and saying she loves me?  Not at all.  Why?

    BECAUSE IT’S NOT ABOUT ME!!!!!

    I believe with all my heart that if a child was in your front yard you would do everything you could to make sure that child was safe.  You wouldn’t be wondering what is in it for you.  You wouldn’t be mad they didn’t instantly love you because you were helping them.  You would just help.  It’s easy to ignore a hurting child when they are just a faceless number.  It is much harder once you see their face and it is darn near impossible once you hold them in your arms.

    I can’t tell you when is the right time to adopt.  I can’t tell you if you are honestly being called.  I can’t tell you it will be easy.  I can’t tell you that you won’t have to make some changes in your life.

    But what I can tell you is that if God is calling, He will make a way.  I can tell you that money shouldn’t stop you because God provides in miraculous ways.  I’ve seen it happen too many times to say it isn’t true.  I can tell you that once you give up your comfortable life you will be changed and blessed in ways you couldn’t even imagine.   I can tell you that the hard is worth it.  That every child is worth it.  That sleepless nights and rages while they come to believe this is real, the testing limits as they learn, and tears spilled over the unfairness of it all, is worth it.  I can tell you that watching someone blossom with love and caring is a miraculous thing.

    I’ve thought long and hard about what I want you to consider about adoption.  If you truly feel you are being called to adopt, but fear or some other excuse is holding you back.  I want you to consider this.  Truly picture it.  This is what I do when I consider my actions.  Our minds are too often centered on worldly things and ideals but this is not our true or final home.   Picture yourself on the day of your death, as you stand before God, and He asks you why you didn’t proceed when He laid the thought of adoption on your heart.  Look Him in the face and utter your excuse, whatever it may be…

    We don’t have the room in our house.

    We don’t have the money.

    I don’t want to hurt our family.

    I am afraid.

    I am too old.

    I’ve already lost friends and family over adopting.

    Our life is comfortable and I don’t want to mess it up.

    I’ve already done enough.

    I am tired.

    If you have been thinking about adoption for a long time and can stand before God and utter your excuse, whatever it may be, and have peace with it, then fine BUT if your excuse doesn’t ring true, then maybe you already have your answer.

     

     

     

     

  • So Many Thoughts

    Date: 2016.03.01 | Category: Adoption, Jessica, William

    I’m going to give writing a blog post on my phone a try.  At the rate this is going with all my typing errors, you can look for this post sometime mid-June.

    This adoption trip has been interesting and one might say almost fun.  It’s been the most vacation-like of any of our our trips.  The first trip in 2012, was so nerve wracking, mainly because we had no clue what we were doing.  Plus, Dan got food poisoning on that trip so we didn’t do a lot of sightseeing.  We just hunkered down in the hotel room.

    The second trip, when we adopted four at once and three were much sicker than we thought, was a strap yourself in for the ride and hope you get home safe, kind of a trip.  Plus, whenever we went out people were beyond unkind to Jasmine.   They yelled things at her, they spit at her, and everytime we went out we had to form a circle of protection around her to keep people away.  Even going to the buffet was a nightmare.  We had very nice servers who would save her a spot behind a wall so that no one could see or her yell things at her while she ate.  Her province was the worst for this type of behavior.  It got a little better once we got to the China Hotel in Guangzhou where there were lots of adoptive families but it still wasn’t good when we ventured outside the hotel.

    Elyse and Max’s trip was fairly simple except that Max had no idea how to NOT get into everything and Elyse spent most of the first part of her trip trying to figure out how to call her foster grandma.  In a room with many breakables and buttons to push, Max didn’t make it very relaxing. It’s hard to toddler proof a room when your toddler is 6. Plus, Dan wasn’t able to travel with me that trip.

    This trip, Mr. Charming readily accepted us as his parents after his foster mama told him goodbye and to go and be happy.  He ran to us saying mama and baba and has had very few tears during this trip.  He adores his baba and has said the word “baba” (daddy) at least a 1,000 times.  He’s only cried when we went back to offices to do paperwork. We were told by his teacher that he is fearful of being taken back because his friend was disrupted and he also cried when I held a baby at one of LWB’s healing homes.

    Dan and I are on LWB’s board of directors and we were so happy to see the healing homes in action.   I had my heart stolen by quite a few of those sweet babies and especially sweet little Christine!  I was so happy to hear that she has a family in progress. I can’t say enough good things about the nannies in these homes.

    All in all William has done extremely well.   He smiles most of the time.  He says “thank you and hello and good morning” to almost everyone he meets.  He says it in both English and Chinese. He is sweet and sensitive and a great little boy.   The fact that he has waited almost 6 years to be adopted blows my mind. He is so smart and cute and so able to do anything he puts his mind to.  He already knows all his siblings names (no small feat), has learned many English words and corrected my Chinese, and says he wants to be a doctor.  I can’t help but have my heart hurt for his bio parents who let him go, probably to get him the medical care he needed.   It seems so unfair that I get to have this treasure as a son and they can not.

    William Daddy Healing home hug (1)

    Jessica has been a bit of a different story.  Our little girl has obviously been hurt.  She does not like adults and especially men.  She had spent time in the hospital alone.  She’s been through surgery alone.  She’s been isolated away from the other kids in the orphanage. She came to me and let me hold her but it was more like she had no choice than she wanted to.  It’s going to take a lot of time to heal her heart and calm her fears.

    That being said, by the time we went to the orphanage for a visit four days after we had met her she wouldn’t go to anyone there.  She was upset when I had to hand her off to have her foley cath changed.  She came back to me and there was a disagreement between the orphanage staff and Dan.  They had the right size foley but the wrong size connecting tubing.  They wanted us to hand her to the physician who wanted to take her to the hospital to get the right tubing.  He said he would be back in an hour.  Dan, who is a physician, said it made no sense because it didn’t matter that the tubing was a smidge bigger and he wouldn’t allow it.   They disagreed and were completely disgusted with us for refusing.  Dan was not about to allow anyone to take our girl again.  I do not believe we will be welcomed back there any time soon.

    By the time we went to meet the director before leaving the building, she was so quiet.  They asked her to lunch about 10 times.  They tried hard to talk her into it but she kept refusing.   We left the decision up to her and by the time she got to the van she was worn out emotionally.   She laid her little head on my chest and fell asleep.  It was a turning point and a step in the right direction because she knew she has a voice with us and we would protect her.

    We’ve slowly made progress with her.  She will say “xie xie mama” (thank you mama) to me when I hand her items and when I say “wo ai ni” (I love you) she shakes her head yes now. When I pick her up first thing in the morning she forgets to be afraid and lays her little head on my shoulder and hugs me. Then it’s almost like she remembers she is suppose to be afraid and lifts up her little head. But it’s those moments when I know there is hope.

    Jessica Pink

    She’s amazing with Liam (William) though. She is the big sister even though he outweighs her by a good 15 pounds.  She talks to him non-stop.  They laugh and giggle and play all day long.  They are already true siblings and we’ve caught them doing the “don’t copy me” game which seems to be universal.  It was pretty funny.  He kisses her and she pats his hands.  She encourages him and tells him to finish his dinner and to throw away his papers. Liam has been good for her.  God knew what He was doing. This trip would have been much harder for Little Miss had she been adopted alone.

    Seeing her with Liam (William) lets me know that she will be fine with the kiddos.  She likes kids.   She loves to mother Liam.   She will be loved and will fit in just fine.  I have no concerns about that.

    We head home Friday and I can’t wait.  I miss my babies so much.  I am so thankful for technology.  Skype, Whatsap, and FaceTime have saved the day!

    I will warn anyone and everyone to be prepared to have your socks charmed off by the little guy.  He’s so easy to love, everyone comments on it.  They also can’t believe we’ve only had him with us for 2 weeks.

    My other warning is for adults with regard to Jessica.  Please give JJ her space.  Don’t try to pick her up, even though she’s little and cute.   Don’t get upset when she won’t talk to you or look you in the eye.  It’s not personal.  Right now she needs time to know that adults are ok.  She needs to feel safe and protected and we are going to insure that she has that.

    I’m happy we were called to adopt again.  These two precious souls are amazing and I am feeling overwhelmed by this gift that I don’t deserve.  Blessings beyond measure for being obedient to the call.  The sheer thought of this brings me to my knees.