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30 days to a better me
Hard times and deep truths often come together. If you want the latter, you must be willing to make it through the former. – unknown
30 days ago today, our family went from 10 to 14. 30 days ago today, I thought I had been through hard and could handle anything. 30 days ago, I thought I had it all figured out. 30 days ago, I thought my faith was secure. 30 days ago, I knew what God was asking of me and I was ready to proceed with this grand adventure. 30 days ago I was so sure that I could handle anything. 30 days ago – oh man, was I was clueless!
We showed up the day after Mother’s Day, ready to receive three more blessings. My blessings would then total 12. My childhood dream of having 12 children was about to come true. I was happy. I was nervous. I was feeling so blessed. I knew two of these blessings had complex heart defects. I knew Lainey had PKU and there was bound to be issues with her feedings. We were prepared as we could be….at least that is what I thought.
But 24 hours later, I was questioning everything. How could God bring me to this. This was not just hard, but realllllyyyyyyy hard? I was already doing my best with a life that was hard at home. Not so much hard, but complicated. I have children with complex medical conditions. I have a busy household already. I do g.t. feedings and oral feedings, medications, and lots of appointments, on top of homeschooling and all my usual mommy chores. How in the world were we going to do any of this?
All I could see in that first 24 hours was the hard. The fits, the crying, the whining, the refusing to eat, the not sleeping, the more complex diagnoses and the fear. Fear was a very real emotion during those first few days. How were we going to handle this? Before we traveled, I was so sure that we could handle it. But now I doubted everything.
Well not everything, I still believed with all my heart that God brought me to these children. These were my children. But I doubted me. Maybe that is why this happened. I mother pretty well. I mother people who don’t want to be mothered. I have been known to mother my grown children’s friends. It’s just in my genetic code. It is who I am. When others dreamed of being doctors, nurses, and teachers, I dreamed of being a mom. I have always believed in my ability to mother. I don’t do everything right, but I have what I believe to be the most important aspects of mothering and I do those to the best of my abilities. I believe God brought me, once again, to that place of being so overwhelmed that I knew there was no way in the world I could do this, which placed all that we were doing, even more so, at the base of the throne of my Lord. Only through Him would we ever be able to do this. Only with Him would I be able to survive.
So 30 days later, I praise a God with a plan that is so much bigger and better than mine. I give all glory to Him and the previous year that brought us to our blessings. Our wonderful, unbelievable blessings that have made so much progress in just 30 days.
Evie’s prognosis may not have been what we had hoped, but we have not given up hope. In 30 days, this little girl has gone from not being able to sit by herself to crawling across the floor at lightning speed. She is so happy and so loving. She is so very beautiful with her big brown eyes. She is very blue still with O2 sats in the mid 50’s and low 60’s,but she has already put on four pounds. This is what a little love and a little food will do for you.
30 days later, and this handsome little guy has become Mr. Charming. He was withdrawn, whiny, and refused to eat for days, but now he is so sweet and loving and there isn’t a food he doesn’t like. He is thoughtful and takes care of his sisters. He is the perfect little guy to end our family. (Although, Gracie did tell me last night that she wished she could hypnotize me so I would forget how many children we had so we could adopt again.) 🙂
Shuang Shuang’s smile lights up our house throughout the day. She laughs, and teases, and is the best big sister. She holds the kids. They climb all over her wheelchair. She even reads to them. She has been so trusting from day one. We have been so moved by all the people who have had their lives touched by her. We have received letters and e-mails. She received an American Girl doll with a wheelchair from her new pen pals. She received a birthday present from Spain from a family that had sponsored her while she was in the orphanage. It has been so moving and we have made new friends. Her diagnosis was not what we had planned on and her future won’t contain the healing surgery we hoped for, but we are blessed to have had her join our family.
Which brings us to little Lainey, she was so very sad those first 48 hours. She broke my heart and I wondered if I would ever be able to reach her. Would she ever be happy? Would she always be in her own little world? Would this angry, crying, temper tantrum throwing be all that there was? 30 days later and we see a girl who smiles most of the day. She runs up to all her siblings and loves to chase Codey. She loves to climb up in your lap and sit. She plays and she laughs and she is truly happy. There are still a few outbursts, but they are few and far between and most of them involve wanting her bottle. She is not magically cured and she still spends a lot of time in her own little world, but there are moments of eye contact with meaning. There is purposeful play. She runs up and hugs people and kisses them. She loves to cuddle on your shoulder.
30 days have brought so many changes to our family. I thought there was no way that I would be able to do any of the usual things that I did with the kids, but….
This is what we look like going shopping.
This is what we look like swimming.
This is what we look like hanging at home.
This is what we look like in our car.
We can’t all fit in one or even two of our cars, which is why we had to buy a bus….
Which made Benjamin very, very happy!
30 days later and although my house is messier and I am definitely more tired, I have had the privilege of watching little ones bloom. What a miracle to get to be a part of. 30 days later and I trust God even more. 30 days later and I realize that I set my goals too small. I believe that I can’t when God knows that I can with His help. We are still getting used to our new normal. We are still trying to figure out how to run our days as smoothly as we can. But 30 days later, I have been kissed more, hugged more and loved more than I ever believed possible. I have heard more laughter and have had more love showered on me than any mama deserves. 30 days later is a very good place to be.
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Mama & Mema
My Mama:
I’m a very blessed girl. I am lucky enough to be best friends with my mama. We have been friends forever. We didn’t have that usual teenage daughter/mother angst period when I was growing up. We talk a couple of times a day. I enjoy shopping with her. I enjoy just being with her. I have felt this way about her through all of my life. She is just a good, kind person. She is a strong, independent woman. She has always been tough and able to handle anything life sent her way. She has supported me through some of the hardest times of my life and she has always been there for me.
These past few weeks with my mom have been very, very difficult. It’s hard to watch someone you love when they are hurting. While we were in China, my mom had a perforated gastric ulcer. On May 22nd, while they were doing emergency surgery, they noticed a fairly large mass in her stomach. They tried to biopsy it but couldn’t get a good specimen. What they obtained came back non-cancerous, but they need to do an endoscopy, the end of June, to get a better specimen to be sure.
On May 26th, she was sent home and we figured as time went on she would slowly start to get back to old self. It just wasn’t happening. We watched as she slowly got worse. She pretty much quit eating. She was too fatigued to walk very far at all. She was pasty white. We were all very worried. We had an appointment on June 3rd with her surgeon. We explained her fatigue and he worried about anemia. We talked about her getting worse instead of better. We decided she needed to also see her family physician.
We called in and they said they could get her in June 12th. I argued and they still said we couldn’t be seen until June 5th. No one seemed overly concerned with how slowly she seemed to be recovering. On Wednesday, we had her seen and they sent her home on antibiotics because she had been diagnosed with a bowel infection (C-Diff) and was on the borderline of needing a transfusion (8.6 hemoglobin). She looked so horrible. We kept thinking a couple days of antibiotics and she’d be looking better. By the time Saturday rolled around, she looked worse and not better. We called the surgeon again and he said bring her in to the emergency room.
Well, what we found out was shocking. Mom was in congestive heart failure. They started running more and more tests. I suppose it shouldn’t have been to hard to figure out that she had excess fluid – since the poor girl had put on 21 pounds in 2 weeks. (Although her family doctor thought nothing of it.) We found out her kidneys and liver were in failure due to the heart problems. We found out that her ejection fraction was 20% – normal is 50% to 75%. She was anemic. The final decision through it all? Since her EKG before surgery was fine and she felt no pain any time after surgery. It is believed that she had a heart attack during surgery.
They told us she needed an angiogram but she was too sick to have them do one at this time. Shortly after her echo, they decided she needed one right away. Tonight she had an angiogram and we found out even more bad news. She has arteries that are blocked 80%, 85% and 90%. She needs bypass surgery and she is most likely too ill to receive it. The surgeon will be in and talk to us tomorrow about all of our options. Wow! That is a lot to take in. She went from being fairly healthy to barely able to get around. I am still in shock that all of this has happened.
So in honor of my mama – here is my lecture for you. If you have a family history of cardiac disease or high cholesterol, get a calcium scoring test. Fairly cheap ($99) and easy to do. They can tell you if you have any plaque and save you a lot of trouble down the road. Don’t pretend just because you feel pretty good that everything is okay. Don’t make your daughter cry too!
(and now on to happier grandma news)
MEMA:
Today is Mema’s birthday. Mema is my mother-in-love. I am lucky enough to have her be one of my best friends too. I talk to her daily on the phone too. My children love to be around her. She is funny and kind. One of my favorite things about Linda is her strength through hard times. She has a strong faith. A couple of years ago she lost her husband, and then in the same year, her sister and her father. Instead of wallowing in her self-pity she started a Bible study in her home for the women in her neighborhood. She has been very sad but knows that God still has a plan for her life. She uses her time to encourage others. Courage is what she has.
One of my favorite stories of my mom (Nana) and Mema is from when Cassie was about 10. Cassie was at the dance studio and a car pulled up to pick her up. In that car was my mom and mema, who both happen to be friends. They weren’t always friends, they became friends after Dan and I married. Everyone asked her who was there to pick her up and Cassie said her grandmas. Everyone was shocked that her two grandmas hung out together. They kept going on and on about how cool it was that both of her grandmas came to get her. It wasn’t until that moment that Cassie realized that most people’s grandmas don’t hang out together and she realized just how lucky she was.
Up until just a few years ago, our group included Linda’s sister, Kay, too. We would all go shopping together. We celebrated birthdays together. They would come to my children’s birthdays together. We did craft sales together and our business was called “Three Friends Crafts”. We go to Women of Faith conferences together. They drive together from Fort Dodge to visit their grandchildren. They are always there to support the kids in all they do. When it was decided mom couldn’t go home and take care of herself, Linda even offered to let her stay with her. It was Linda who drove my mom down so I could take her to the ER on Saturday.
I have been a blessed mama to have these to women in my life. They have both taught me so much through their kindness, strength, courage and faith. They have been our biggest cheerleaders with the adoptions and they love all their grandchildren the same. So today I want to take a moment to celebrate both of their lives. I pray that I have many, many more years to enjoy their friendship, encouragement and love.
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Hope Amongst The Pain
I thought I’d share two very moving stories that unfolded today.
The first story is about a little girl named Zoe, who recently had heart surgery and went into surgery to receive an artificial heart at 2 p.m. this afternoon. As of 11 this evening, we have not heard whether it was successful or not. The reason I am sharing this story, is that her mom, Eva, puts what many of us heart mama’s feel, into a very lovely blog. Please take a moment and read this. Choose Life
The second story is one that took the breath of many of us away. The Hammond family got home last night with their little 22 month old boy who had a congenital heart defect. He passed away this morning. I know that he is healed but his family is hurting. I know that he can see how much they loved him and how hard they fought for him, but that does nothing to ease their pain this evening. Here is their blog – A MeiMei for You You
Please join me in covering these families with prayers. They are both families of great faith. In Zoe’s case, they are moving forward and choosing life. In the Hammond’s case they are moving forward with the hope of eternity. There is joy in that hope. There is peace in that hope but the pain is fresh right now.
And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” (Psalm 39:7)
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Susanna’s Legacy
Tonight on the Tiny Green Elephants Facebook page that I read, she talks about a child that had passed away. You can read the blog about Susanna here. The Road to Peacefield
Tonight, when I could be sleeping, I sit here at my computer with tears running down my face. The house is quiet. I hear the breathing of many little souls coming from the other room. I am blessed. I am comforted that I got these children home, but the truth is there are many, many children who are alone right now through no fault of their own.
Children die every day, all around the world, for every conceivable reason. They are abducted, they are casualties of war, they die of starvation, they die at the hands of their parents, they die from unclean water, they die from mosquito bites, and they die alone in orphanages. How can we just go on living like nothing is happening? How can we not be moved when a life is ended much too soon? Is it such an overwhelming problem that we believe there is nothing we can do? Is it because it isn’t right there in front of us, that we are allowed to pretend it isn’t happening? I know if a child was standing in front of a runaway car, you’d try to save them. So why are so many young lives being lost and we just go about our days? A life lost, much too soon, should always be mourned, and we should be left wondering if there was something more that we could have done.
I cried tears when I saw Susanna’s face. Her story touched my heart because I have a son with hydrocephalus. It’s not something I have to google to try to understand. I get it! I understand what it takes to treat a child with hydrocephalus. I understand the infections, the hospital stays, the shunts, the frustration. I understand the pain and the headaches. But look at that picture, look at her face. She is giggling. She is happy and all she wanted was a family. She spent six years lying in a crib. Six years…..2,190 days and yet she smiles.
I have spent this past year praising God for all He has done to make our adoptions come together. I still give God all the praise, but it is hard for me when I watch these parents who want the same thing we wanted. They wanted to bring this child home, to help them, to love them for as long as they were given the gift. So why weren’t their prayers answered? Why didn’t Susanna get to come home? Why did God choose to call her home to Him first? What will her story change? Who will be moved because of Susanna’s life? Her life was not in vain. Her life has worth. I believe this with my whole being.
After Kyle died, people said all sorts of things to me. “Maybe God knew you couldn’t handle both of them being sick at the same time.” “It’s better that he died with all his special needs.” At the same time I was grieving, wonderful things happened for others. They talked about praying and having their prayers answered. I wondered “Weren’t my prayers good enough?” “Did I somehow offend God?” “Am I really not as faithful or as good a Christian as I thought I was?” “Why didn’t God answer my prayers?”
Twenty-six years later, I can see a smattering of the ways Kyle changed our lives. I can see how Kyle’s life changed Dan and made him a better doctor. I know for a fact that Kyle’s death lead us to the seven little ones that we adopted. I know for a fact that Kyle’s death took away my fear of dying and made me want to live a life of purpose. He lived a mere five days and accomplished that.
When I look at this situation, with my limited understanding, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around it all. I don’t understand why babies die in utero. I don’t understand why people who could care less if they have a child, have a healthy one and others who want nothing more than to have a child, can’t. I don’t understand why babies get sick. I don’t understand why any of this is allowed to happen.
I could go into the whole fallen world issue. I know that man has free will and we chose what we do. I know on the other side of it, God placed us here to do His work. I know that there are many reasons why things happen and I can’t possible see the ramifications of them all. I know that all things work together for good. I know God’s plan is perfect and He is a just God. I know that someday I will see all the threads of these children’s tapestries and will be absolutely amazed by the lives that they have touched.
But that doesn’t end the pain for the mamas that I know who have lost their babies this past week. It doesn’t take away from the pain that the William’s family is feeling because they never got a chance to bring Susanna home. Believe me when you proceed with the adoption of a child God has called you to, that IS your child. You would do anything you could for that child. And tonight because of bureaucracy and paperwork, they ran out of time and weren’t allowed the most precious gift of being able to bring her home.
Susanna is in her eternal home now and she knows how much she was loved. She knows how hard they fought for her. She knows how many prayers were said by others on her behalf. She sees what her life has done. She is blessed and she is well and she is home!
But the Williams’ will still be grieving the loss of dreams. Please cover them and other families who have lost a child with your prayers. I hope Susanna’s life makes you pay attention to what is going on around you. I hope that it makes you want to step up and do whatever you can do to help others adopt. Encourage, support, uplift others. You don’t have to adopt to make a difference. There are so many ways to help. You can buy a mosquito net through World Vision, support a group that is fighting sex trafficking, have your church dig a well, fed a family in your neighborhood. Step up. Do something. Remember Susanna and do something in her honor. Share her story and the other children’s stories just like her who are waiting. They deserve a family. They have worth and they have weight in this world. You can make a difference for one. Be that difference!
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Shuang Shuang turns 14
When we found out that expediting Eli was possible, we knew that we would be cutting it close with Shuang Shuang’s aging out of the orphanage. In China, when you turn 14 you are no longer available to be adopted. We were told that it didn’t matter if the paperwork was all done and we were traveling, if we weren’t there before she turned 14, then we couldn’t adopt her. God had shown himself over and over again during this year that lead us to four beautiful souls. We decided, once again, to trust in His plan and proceeded, believing with all our hearts, that He would get us to her in plenty of time.
We were told many things about what would happen to her after she turned 14. Someone said she would be put out on the street. That could not have even remotely been a possibility. She isn’t able to sit-up, roll over, or really move herself. Someone else told me that they thought she would have been moved to an adult mental institution. I don’t honestly know what would have happened to her, and it breaks my heart to even consider the possibilities. I hurt for all the years she spent in the orphanage waiting for a family. I have said many times that I don’t always understand God’s plans, but I trust them. I do know having seen her with our little ones that she was probably a wonderful big sister to the children in the orphanage. I bet she encouraged and changed many lives.
Having read the posts about Lauren (Shuang) on Love Without Boundaries site, you see quickly that her life has touched many people. Many people were praying for her and we even heard from her sponsors this week. They both talk about how much they care about Shuang. It’s been a very moving couple of weeks.
So on this, her 14th birthday, a whole week as a US citizen, it seemed appropriate to celebrate.
We had a busy day today. The girls had a dance recital at 11 and 5:30, so we chose to let Shuang Shuang sleep in. I woke her up after noon and she still wanted to sleep. Jet lag is no fun! Maisey and Eli woke me up at 4:30 a.m. so we decided to start decorating. During our decorating fun, I had to put Maisey in time out because I turned around to find her having already opened two of Shuang’s gifts. More wrapping, more decorating, and we were as ready as we could be.
Dan may have gone a little overboard on the gifts. He said she has missed 6 birthdays and he wanted her to have a nice one. He went shopping and found a random array of gifts. From a stuffed dog that you make sing with a microphone, to really girly purses. The sad thing was she didn’t understand gifts. She didn’t know how to open one, but that was soon rectified.
And even some random goofy gag gifts….
Mema brought her a special, big, pink, princess, cake.
Eli especially enjoyed Shuang’s cake.
We went to her siblings dance recital. Where Maisey proceeded to turn herself slightly with her back to the audience and not dance one little bit. The audience ooohhed and awwwed and I wondered why I always have the child who loves dance and refuses to perform at the recital. She looked cute in the outfit though.
And on our way into the recital, a lady who had been selling bouquets of flowers to dance families, said that she had one bouquet of flowers left and wondered if she could give them to Shuang. I told her that it was her birthday and that would be wonderful. Happy birthday wishes were spread around and Shuang felt special. It’s not often you are on a sidewalk and a random person hands you a bouquet of flowers. I love Godcidences.
What a wonderful addition Shuang has been to our family. Everyone loves her. While Ben was dancing on stage, he stopped and yelled, “Hey, I can see mama and Shuang. Shuang, Shuang came to watch me. Awesome!” Cassie and Gracie especially have fun with Shuang. Gracie has always had a special place in her heart for Shuang and had hoped that they would be friends. It has turned out better than Gracie had hoped. They sleep in beds right next to each other. They giggle and play their I-pads. It’s a wonderful thing to see.
It was a big day. Cassie took the littles into the playroom so that I could take a nap. This is what happened a mere 20 minutes later.
But Shuang and Gracie were still going strong at midnight.
All in all, it was a wonderful day filled with happy memories. I fell in love with her picture on LWB’s site, when LWB was advocating for a family for her. I cried tears because we had already decided that adopting an older child was not a good fit for our family. At the very same moment, in another room, on another computer, Dan read the same story and cried tears too. He came to me and said we needed to talk and the rest is history as they say. Thank goodness God doesn’t listen to what we think we can handle. I can’t imagine my life without that sweet smile in it.
Happy birthday Shuang Shuang – my beautiful Jasmine flower. Mama loves you!
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The good, the bad, the adorable…
THE GOOD:
Tomorrow is the big day. Shuang Shuang will turn 14. Dan hit Toys’R’Us one last time for good measure. I think the girl has enough gifts now. We have been counting down the days. We have been joking all week about what she does and doesn’t want for her birthday. She wants a big, pink, princess cake so I keep acting confused and saying “Blue, trucks and cars cake?” and she laughs. Mema got her a pink, princess cake, so all is well. We’ve bought enough pink decorations to decorate the whole house or at least it seems that way. Hopefully, she will have a nice day. I think she deserves a nice birthday. She has spent her 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and 13th birthday in that orphanage. It’s about time for some celebrating.
SOME GOOD AND SOME BAD:
We took Evie, Lainey and Eli to Iowa City for appointments today. I told people I would update my blog when we knew anything. There’s not a lot to tell, but I’ll let you know what I do know. Lainey had all her bloodwork done for her PKU. We will hopefully get her diet back on track and she will feel even better. We’ve seen big changes in her since we’ve come home so I think we are on the right track.
Evie and Eli had EKG’s and echos. Our cardiologist was in the room during the echo, to try and catch what he could, without them having to be examined for a long time. Eli’s was pretty much what we thought. He will need to be seen by Dr. Hanley at Stanford in the next few months. No heart catherization in his future until we get to Stanford. If we did one here, they would just repeat it when we got to California. So we have a few more months before Eli has to have a procedure done. Eli has pulmonary atresia and that is Dr. Hanley’s speciality. Eli’s sats were 78%. He is much pinker than Ben and Evie. Although they said it might be because he’s anemic.
Dr. D has recommended that we take care of Evie’s issues, the Ben’s, and finally Eli’s within the next couple of months.
Evie’s was much more complicated than we thought. We had high hopes that her single ventricle would allow her to have surgery. It doesn’t look like that is the case. It looks like her pulmonary arteries are almost non-existent and she is getting blood flow to her lungs via collaterals and a small PDA. Of course, we won’t know for 100% sure until after the heart catherization. They want to do her heart cath next Thursday. They made time in their schedule for her, but after thinking it through, we are going to wait a while. She is just so malnourished. She doesn’t have much reserve. They warned us that her cath comes with a much higher incidence of death and I don’t think I could take that this soon into it. I know there will never be a time that I say, “Oh now would be a good time to let her go.” But right now seems too soon. I don’t want to risk it. If they said her only chance was to have her cath next week, well then I’d have her go through with it. But they said she’s been sick for a long time, so a few more days or weeks shouldn’t hurt anything. She’s had sats in the low 60’s, high 50’s for a while now. A little time will be a good thing, time to grow and just be with her family. At least after much prayer and consideration, that is what our hearts are telling us. Man these decisions truly suck! There’s a few other choice words I could use, but I’ll be nice and stick with sucks! She is just such a sweet soul. I know no child deserves to die. No child deserves to suffer. But this little girl is beyond special. She charms the socks off everyone she meets. Her whole face just lights up and she is so animated. It breaks my heart. Yes, I knew the odds going in but it still hurts when you are hit with reality this soon.
We will continue to pray for our little girl and love her like crazy. You never know what will happen and only God knows the number of her days. So for now I’ll just spend my time enjoying her cuteness! It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.
ADORABLE:
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Quick Update
I haven’t been getting much sleep. The kids are pretty much up at different times all through the night. I get two to sleep and then the other wakes up. I feel like I have triplets. My hat is off to all the parents of multiples out there. I have been sleeping from 7 a.m to 9:30 a.m. every day. It’s the only time everyone is consistently asleep at the same time. So last night, I had just called in Zach at 3:00 to help me try to get Eli back to sleep. (Zach is a computer programmer and works odd hours.) Zach came in and we had a nice little talk while rocking Eli. Poor little Eli has no clue how to self-comfort. He doesn’t take a bottle, use his thumb, doesn’t like blankets or stuffed animals. The only way he gets to sleep is by laying his head on your shoulder. You can’t cradle him or sit down with him. You have to be standing, with his head on your right shoulder. He just won’t let you put him down. This has made for some very long nights. We had to take more drastic measures so when we got home, we let him cry it out. This is a hard task with a heart child. He is stubborn, unbelievably stubborn. He cried for almost 3 hours straight. I sat right there, as I’ve seen them do on the SuperNanny. Yes, I was resorting to parenting techniques learned from t.v. It’s been a long couple of days. Please don’t judge. I let him know I was there. I patted him and I sat. He finally gave in. My heart was breaking. This mommying business is tough.
Today a friend of ours brought over lunch. It was so nice not to have to think about cooking. The kids loved it.
Part of the reason that I am so tired is that the person who would have helped me in the afternoon so I could sleep is my mom. I posted a little bit about it the other day. Zach ended up taking my mom in for emergency surgery while we were in China. She had a perforated gastric ulcer. To top it off when they opened her up, they found a mass. Suffice it to say that my mama who is 67 and would love nothing more than to be here helping, is out of the picture. 24 staples will put you on your back no matter what your age is. The initial tests came back non-cancerous so we are all cautiously optimistic that all well be well with time.
Dan has to work. He has to sleep. He has patients he has to care for. It’s a big deal for him to keep his job. Plus, he has to drive Eli, Evie, Lainey and I to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics tomorrow. Someone has to be awake in this household. Zach and Cassie have been trying to relieve me as much as possible. It just never seems to line up for me to sleep in the afternoon or early evening, but tonight was different. I got to sleep from 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. and I feel like a new woman. It’s not helping me right now at 2 a.m., but I do feel so much better. Everyone is asleep right now so I took a benadryl in hopes that I can drift off for the next 4 hours before we have to get up to go to Iowa City.
In the midst of all the chaos of trying to figure out sleep schedules and meals, there have been so many wonderful moments. Yes, it is hectic. Yes, it is tiring. Yes, it can be frustrating especially for the woman who likes her chaos organized, but there have been so many wonderful moments throughout the day. Gracie and Shuang are always together. Shuang is teaching Gracie Mandarin. Ben wakes up every day and tells me how much he loves everyone. Maisey is in love with Evie or “her baby” as she calls her. Lainey is so much better. Her first couple of days with us felt like it was all temper tantrums. Now she runs through the house, giggling, running up to you for hugs, and playing with the other little ones. They all play well together. They share. They want to be together. At 4 a.m. yesterday, when I was at the end of my rope and was finally going to go wake up Dan, the littles (Ben, Maisey, Eli and Lainey) all chased each other around in the sunroom. They were laughing so loud and hugging each other. Evie sat and cheered them on. Suddenly, it didn’t matter that it was 4 a.m. I would have hated to miss that. What a beautiful memory to treasure.
Once the sleep schedules are fixed, I can see that this will work. Even with the harder diagnoses and more work involved, it is going to work better than I had hoped. That makes this mama’s heart very, very happy. We’ve even got to go shopping and it went well. Watching Shuang pick out clothes was so much fun. She got three new pairs of shoes and sat and giggled at Payless. Everything is possible with time and effort. My house might even get picked up some day. I’m gonna go ahead and say without outside help, perfectly clean is way out of the picture, but liveable is well within reach. We are working on our new normal and I must admit I really like it!
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- Shopping for the first time.
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- New normal!
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Thoughts rolling around in my head (part 2)
It’s 4:24 a.m. Another night without sleep. Another night with babies crying but not at the same time. Another night left alone with my thoughts. I have been thinking today about clarifying my part 1 post. If you ask my children they will tell you that the two words I use a lot are “seriously” and “clarify”. It’s become a joke in our house that they will find a way to use those words on my headstone. Who knows why I use the word seriously? I don’t. It became part of my blog name because I truly do feel blessed and I was trying to find a word to describe how blessed I feel. The kids were coming up with all sorts of funny names using the word seriously but I wanted a name that said how I truly feel about my life so we combined the blessed with the humorous – a true description of our lives.
Dan is funny. His sarcastic wit is quick. He makes me laugh all the time. We laugh and joke in our house a lot. I realized, while we were in China, just how much I smile. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy for smiling so I tried not to smile at people. It wasn’t a feeling that I truly liked. Then I decided since everyone was taking our pictures, left and right, that I should just keep on smiling so I could try to look good for the pictures. It was a hard thing to do. I hate having my picture taken by people I love. People with ulterior motives were hard to keep smiling for. Dan constantly reminded me that “all things work together for good” and that even if someone took our picture for the wrong reasons, it may be seen by someone who would be touched for the right reasons. I do love that man’s perspective. He constantly reminds me to keep my eyes on the Lord and the bigger picture.
How we act and what we do has a huge impact on others. One of the statements that stuck with me, from someone we dealt with on the trip, was this…. “The unconditional love from the family really shocked me and gave me one big lesson.” Those words came to us from a second party who thought we should know. It came to us at just the right time, because Dan and I had both been wondering if people could really see our love for these four children. We wondered does your love of the Lord come across even when you aren’t preaching it? Can people see that you are doing it for the right reasons? For all of those laughing at us, judging us and believing we are crazy, are there those who are turned towards the Lord? Are there those who say “Could I be doing more?” “Is adoption right for me?” That is what I want people to take away from my blog. I hope they can truly see what a beautiful thing adoption is and even if it’s not what they are called to do, that they can help in many other ways. We set out to adopt because we were being obedient to God’s calling. We didn’t set out for any ulterior motives. We were just following the Lord’s call. He kept setting things in front of us and we would say “Really Lord?” and then proceed. Because, time and time again, His blessings, that came from what others might call burdens, were so immeasurable. How could we not follow that lead?
Which brings me back to my other word, clarify. I clarify a lot. If I think someone may have misunderstood what I said or took it in the wrong way, I make sure that I clarify. Words are very, very powerful things. Matthew 12:37 ESV For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” I realized after I wrote the first part that it may have sounded like I was comparing what we went through to the other parents. I was in no way doing that. I don’t know anything about the other parents who decided to leave that little nine-year-old girl there. I don’t know what they were thinking or where there hearts were. I truly believe in the saying “You don’t know where someone else is coming from until you walk a mile in their shoes”. I won’t compare my story to theirs. We all make our own decisions based on what we believe to be the right thing. The good news is that I heard from a friend on Facebook that she heard from another friend that this little girl does have another family who wants her. Let’s pray that this is the truth and she finds her forever family.
THE TRUTH ABOUT ADOPTION TRIPS:
I’m not sure what most people think will happen when you travel to adopt. Adoption comes from a place of pain and loss. A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me. – Jody Landers You might get away without much pain in the beginning if you adopt an infant, but someday you will have to deal with thoughts of abandonment, the child questioning your love, and their thoughts of not being enough. It’s only in the movies that the child immediately forgets their painful past, rushes to you with open arms, embraces you while spouting praises of your wonderfulness, all the while thanking you for saving them. The reality is they can be withdrawn, sad, and angry. Even if they come from a foster home where they were loved, there will be issues because they are being taken away from the only family they have ever known. There will be many tears and sleepless nights.
You will travel long distances, be away from the rest of your family, in a land you aren’t really sure about, for days, maybe even weeks. You will be sleep deprived, tired, out of sorts. You will be on an emotional roller coaster ride of highs and lows. You will spend your time trying to convince this child that you will always be there for them. It is amazing how quickly they figure out that you are mom, but that doesn’t mean they will come right to you. Often one parent or the other gets left out. Mark Hall, from Casting Crowns, talks very openly about this subject. He wrote the song “So Far To Find You” because of what he felt when they adopted their daughter.
BE AS PREPARED AS YOU CAN BE FOR ANY SCENARIO:
Even with Dan’s medical background and all of our medical knowledge from caring for sick children, we were thrown for a loop. You may get exactly what the medical records show or it may be worse. You have to be prepared for whatever happens. You have to be ready for anything. You have to wrap your head around that if you can. The last thing you want to do is have to make a decision to disrupt the adoption. That is not fair to this child who has been waiting for you. For us it wasn’t about making our family better (although that does happen), it was about saving a child’s life. It was about doing what was right for them. God called us to these specific children and we felt that we couldn’t walk away. God sometimes calls us to the hard and takes us way out of our comfort zones. The Chapman’s call this “The glorious wreckage of our plans.”
GOD WILL LIFT YOU UP:
During this week when my heart was hurting, God spoke very clearly to me. (All of these excerpts are from daily devotions that I have sent to my e-mail and all were received while we were still in China.)
“For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me”(Matt 25:42-43). “It is not enough for us to say: “I love God,” but I also have to love my neighbor. St. John says that you are a liar if you say you love God and you don’t love your neighbor. How can you love God whom you do not see, if you do not love your neighbor whom you see, whom you touch, with whom you live? And so it is very important for us to realize that love, to be true, has to hurt. I must be willing to give whatever it takes not to harm other people and, in fact, to do good to them. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is not true love in me and I bring injustice, not peace, to those around me.” Mother Teresa
“Put your trust in the Lord your God and you will stand your ground. Believe what his prophets tell you, and you will succeed.” (2 Chronicles 20:20b GNT)
“Are you not God?” Yes, you are in charge, and you’re big enough to handle it.
“Did you not help us in the past?” Yes, you did help us in the past.
“Will you not do it again?” Yes, you will do it again!Have you ever had a day like that? What do you do when you’re facing insurmountable, overwhelming problems? Go to the Lord.
“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold.” (1 Peter 1:7a NLT)
Accept What Can Not Be Changed – “I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13 NLT)
Peace is Not Problem Free Living – “I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27 NLT)
This is the bottom line: Joy is a decision. You are as joyful as you choose to be.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” (Philippians 4:6 NLT)
God was there in the midst of our pain. God was holding us up and strengthening us. We believe that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. We can NOT do this. I know I can’t. My heart just breaks thinking about what the future holds for my sweet children. Pain and shortened lifespans, tests and more tests, hospitalizations and surgeries. It will be a hard road and one I am willing to take only because the Lord will be by my side. He has given me a best friend who shares my same dreams. He has given me children who see a greater purpose and willingly step up to help. He has bestowed upon our hearts a burden to do more than we thought we could.
BEAUTIFUL THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR HEART:
The truth of the matter is what comes out of adoption holds many beautiful things. Watching children heal and trust and laugh is amazing. Watching our babies come together and love each other is so heartwarming. Ben wakes up every morning and sits on my laugh and says, “I love Min mama. I love Eli. I love Lainey. I love Evie. Thank you mama!” He is four and he gets it. We have been home three days and they are running around the house, playing and loving up on each other. Gracie and Shuang have figured out their own way to communicate. Enough so that Shuang told her a story about Cassie and I being funny in China and Gracie repeated it to me.
It has been two weeks for little Miss Evie and she is sitting. She couldn’t sit up just two weeks ago and now she is sitting. A little bit of food and love and she is progressing so quickly. I bet she has put on a pound already. What a joy she is. Jasmine went from a shy, quiet girl to one who laughs all day long while she is playing with the kids. Eli is so charming. I can’t even describe how cute this kid is. Lainey is by far the best yet. I have watched her blossom. She is funny and cuddly and playing so well. It has been unbelievably mind blowing and it’s only been two weeks. The Lord is so good. Blessed be His name! (I’ve been singing that song all day long.)
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect. There is still crying and yelling. There is still not much sleeping at night. We are still trying to unpack our bags. The house is a mess. The laundry is not caught up. We are a long way away from our new normal, but we are well on our way. Life is a journey. It’s not about the destination. It’s about enjoying all the things along the way. There have been many wonderful blessings already, especially watching our older children with their new siblings.
We came home from seeing my mom in the hospital the other day and Gracie started crying. I assumed that she was crying about my mom, who was still looking very, very ill. (Today she looks much better – PTL!) I asked Gracie why she was sad and she said, “I’m sad because of Min, mama. She would have died if they left her on the street. I’m so glad you and daddy went to get her.” This is from an eight year old who knows how much time and work it will take to take care of Shuang. She gets it. It’s not about the easy. It’s about making their lives better. It’s about saving them from a fate that holds no future and giving them an eternal future. What a gift to be a part of. The blessings out weigh the pain. Don’t be afraid. Just be prepared. If God is calling you, please, please, please open your heart to the possibilities. Beautiful things will happen and blessings will abound. I’m seriously telling you the truth and would be willing to clarify for you if necessary. 🙂 Praying that God leads you and guides you to all the wonders of His ways. Praying that He opens your heart and your eyes to where your gifts would best be used.
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Thoughts rolling around in my head (part 1)
I thought these 3 a.m. postings would stop once we got home, but I guess not. Children are not wishing to sleep so I am trying to type with Eli lying on my shoulder. Not sure my post will make sense. I can’t even guarantee that there won’t be any typos, but I did want to get some of these thoughts down in writing so I will give it a shot. Here’s to sleep deprived blog writing…..
ABOUT THOSE FIRST FEW DAYS:
I will admit to being knocked to my knees when we got the kids. When we picked up Lainey, she was just so sad and acted out the first two days. She had been moved from the only home she had known for almost 2 years. She went by train for 16 hours and ended up in a new place where people didn’t know how to help her calm herself. So by the time we got her, she was in full meltdown mode for most of the time. She refused to look anyone in the eye, pulled her hair, rocked on the floor, slept for about an hour, at the most, at a time and screamed….a lot. It was unbelievably overwhelming. Add to that Evie’s severe malnutrition and Jasmine’s disability and what that meant for Jasmine’s future and my heart was just broken.
I had dreams. Dreams of five toddler beds with the sweet little babies all tucked in at night. I could picture home schooling 5 little kids at about the same level and watching them grow. I could picture us getting Jasmine her surgery and helping her achieve her schooling dreams. I could see her happy and thriving. I could picture this and so much more. I have dealt with Codey’s severe physical and mental disabilities for 26 years, it’s not that I was afraid of doing that again. With Lainey, I was afraid of not being able to reach her. I was afraid of what would happen if this was all there was for her. Screaming and yelling and pulling her hair – stuck in her own little world. What if that was all there ever would be. Could I handle that? What if she never even realized that she had a family? Would adopting her even make a difference?
That is a scary thought as a parent. With Codey, I felt I didn’t have a choice, you don’t walk away from your child, but here I was half a world away being asked if we still wanted to adopt her. I was tired, worn out, frustrated by the lack of information we had before we proceeded with the papers in the first place, overwhelmed by what would be required to care for her and Evie and Jasmine. Add to all of that, the fact that Eli would only sleep, while I was standing, with his head on my shoulder, and Evie was eating every 2-3 hours; well, the sleep deprived state I was in, didn’t help me in regard to having any rational, scripture based thoughts. I cried out to the Lord. I questioned whether He knew what He was doing because how could He possibly think I could handle this?
Lainey cried and cried and cried, but she is comforted by lying her little head on your shoulder. She calms there. So I held her. Dan held her. Cassie held her. Linda held her. And we cried lots and lots of tears. Tears for dreams lost and tears from the fear of whether or not we could handle it. The final decision came down to us knowing that God lead us to her. We believe that with our whole heart. I have written about it a lot. So many things led us to this little girl. I had looked at her picture for close to a year. I had prayed for her. I had fallen in love with her little piggy tails and her sweet little face. This was our child and we would bring her home. As I said before, you don’t walk away from your child.
As the days went by, Lainey came out of her shell. She giggled and laughed and danced and ran and played….even purposely played. She responds to her name. She pats you and looks at you with such love. There is a sweet little soul there. After just two weeks with her, there is a glimmer of hope.
DISRUPTION:
While we were in China, we met quite a few couples. We traveled with five couples and many couples came up to us when they heard/saw that we had adopted four. They wanted to know how we did it. We explained that we had special circumstances and why it happened. They were friendly. Lots of Facebook friend requests and e-mail addresses exchanged.
During all of our conversations, we heard about a little nine-year-old girl with mild cerebral palsy whose family had shown up to adopt her. I don’t know her adoptive family. I only know this story as told by the family, that we talked to, that was at the office with her on their “gotcha day”. This little girl was beaming. She was so happy to finally have a family. Her disabilities didn’t seem immense. She was able to walk and seemed pretty bright although she did have some institutional delays. She went with the family. She ate with the family. She slept with the family. She believed that this was her family. Only to be told the next day that they did not wish to sign the papers. She would not be their daughter. Now everyone can say that it is for the best. She shouldn’t be with a family that doesn’t love her. She is better off waiting for a family to come forward that really wants her to be their daughter. BUT what if one doesn’t? Is she really better off in an orphanage? How did this happen? Did they not know about her disabilities? What made them say that it was too much?
The rumor was that the family thought she wasn’t a good fit because she wasn’t bright enough to be in their family. Now normally I hate rumors. I don’t want to spread words that I did not for fact hear myself. The reason I have chosen to even include this statement is just the thought that that could be okay in someone’s world. Can someone really not be smart enough for your family? How do you get children that are smart enough? What is smart enough? This little girl’s life has been forever changed. She has been abandoned again. She has waited at least a year to be chosen. She has probably spent most of her life in that orphanage. The orphanage can now deem her unadoptable if they wish. Will she be afraid to ever love and give up hope? What must she think as she sits there in that orphanage? My heart breaks for her and all the other children deemed unworthy of a family. We are all unworthy. When did we lose sight of this fact?
NOT AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION:
Those were the words I read when I asked about the little girl in pink from Jasmine’s orphanage. She is not available for adoption. For reasons outside of her control, she will live her life in that orphanage and be released when she is 14. The longing look in her eyes still haunts me. The sweet hug and her head laid softly on my shoulder still breaks my heart. She wants a mama. She wants to be in a family and she will not be allowed to.
Yes, even with all that was going on I wrote and asked about her. Even with all that was going on, I would go back and get her in a heartbeat if they told me her papers were available. Why? Because every child deserves a family. EVERY child. Not some. Not the worthy. Not the healthy. Not the unbroken. EVERY child deserves the love of a family. Especially little girls, with broken hearts, dressed in a pretty pink shirt and green dress shoes with bows, that steal your heart with just a look.
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Heartbreaking
So excited to be leaving in the morning. I can’t wait to hug my babies at home and check on my mama. I can’t wait to not be stared at, have a glass of water right out of the faucet, eat some regular food, exercise, recieve texts, and be able to check Facebook. I’m looking forward to not living out of my suitcase. I just want to get home and start working on my new normal. Not that I’m ever normal mind you.
Our guide in Guizhou, Bill, and our guide here in Guangzhou, Kathy, have asked Shuang over and over again if she has any questions for us. She always shakes her head no and says she is fine, with a great big smile on her face. We have been communicating with Google translate, but she talks so soft she isn’t able to be picked up by the microphone so she hasn’t been able to ask us any questions. I have been able to say things to her like “I’m happy you are my daughter.” and “Everyone at home loves you.” and even “Do not be afraid. Everything will be ok.” She has always answered “Ok!” and smiled, but tonight I asked her if she was excited about going to America and she said, “Yes!” I then said, “Do you have any questions?” and she answered, “Yes!” I couldn’t believe she was finally asking a question.
I called Kathy to come down to our hotel room right away. I figured Shuang would ask about how long the trip was, what time we were leaving, or what our home was like in America. Kathy came in and asked her if she had any questions and she said, “Yes.” again. I was not prepared for her question. She asked, “When I get to America can anyone take me away from my family?” We all sat there with tears in our eyes. We had Kathy explain that no one could ever take her away. That no matter what happened she would be our daughter. We explained that no matter how sick she gets we will never let her go. We told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is our daughter. We told her of our friends who would be able to communicate with her because they speak Mandarin. We told her about all that she will be able to learn and she was so excited. We told her of all the people who care for her.
Dan and I were talking about how hard all of this is. How do you explain what happened to a child? Is it easier for her to think that she was abducted instead of abandoned? What does she remember? Do I even want to know? Did the orphanage tell her that she was taken away from her family because she was ill? What has she been told? I hate that it will take years for her to feel safe enough or have enough English to be able to share what actually happened. I hate that my little girl has had so much pain in her life. She has really been so brave. We have to do everything for her and she just trusts us. What a blessing that has been.
I’m praying for her peace as she transitions to our family. I hope she can see how much love we have for her. Others have commented on our unconditional love for her so I hope it is as clear to her. Her life is going to change so much in the next 48 hours. I wonder what she will think when she meets all her siblings. What will she think when she sees our house? What will she think the first time she is able to swim in our pool? How will she feel about America? So many wonderful, overwhelming changes. Jasmine Shuang Ellsbury – welcome to your new life.
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