Archive for the ‘Jasmine (Shuang Shuang)’ Category
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Updates
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 NIV
I’ve been hanging on tight to the “do not fear” portion of this verse for the last couple of weeks.
I will apologize ahead of time that this post is long. I’ve chosen to post updates on everyone in one blog. The good news is each paragraph is a story in itself so you can stop and come back and it won’t even matter. Plus, if you leave and come back it adds another visit to my blog and I am really close to going over the 20,000 visit mark for the year. Isn’t that unbelievable? I sometimes forget that there are those, that I don’t even know personally, following our story. I update for my family and friends who I know are praying for our family and for each of my children and pray that maybe, just maybe, I will reach someone I don’t know and they will be encouraged to do more. They will be encouraged to follow where God leads them, even if they are afraid. It just seems amazing to me that our story touches others. To me, it is just our life. It’s just my normal. It can be really, really loud, and really, really busy, but at the end of the day we are just a family.
If you are one of my readers, which I guess you’d be if you are reading this, thank you. Truly thank you. Thank you for caring about my children. Thank you for covering our family in prayer. As Christians we are commanded to encourage each other and lift up each other. You do that for me with your comments. You do that every time I hear about someone praying for my children. What a blessing. It goes without saying that the title of my blog says it all….I am SERIOUSLY blessed! Thank you!
Benjamin
Poor Benjamin had been feeling so bad. He was admitted to the hospital to receive IVIG because his platelets dropped to 12,000. He had a severe reaction to the IVIG, his temp jumped to 105.1 and his heart rate was well over 190. When your heart is as overworked as Benjamin’s is already, a very high heart rate for an extended period of time is not a good thing. During his hospital stay, I asked him, “Benjamin, do you know that God loves you?” and he responded, “Yes!” and then I said, “Benjamin, do you trust me?” and he said, “Yes mama!” as he snuggled in closer he said, “I’ll be brave.” He really is the bravest kid. I wish I had the words to properly convey how humbling and overwhelming it is to watch your child truly trust God. When said child is only 4, it is just mind blowing. Benjamin is sweet and gentle and so loving. Benjamin can not hear sirens without requesting that everyone pray, well commanding it is more like it. When you pray, you have to pray for the person who is hurting, for their family, for the people driving, and for their safety. You can’t leave anyone out.
We had been home for a couple days and Ben was still whiny and not eating. His dentist decided it was time to take out two molars before he has surgery. One of them was infected and yet Ben wouldn’t really complain. Benjamin’s surgery is scheduled for August 13th at Mayo. We have to check in early the morning of the 11th to check his platelets and see what needs to be done to get him ready for surgery. I am nervous about this surgery, but we know it is his only hope of being pinker and extending his life. We are trusting in God’s plan and His timing. We are putting Benjamin in His hands and praying for the best. Plus, Benjamin has decided that he is SuperBen Ben and he can handle anything!
Plus, Gracie has informed me that “it’s a pretty good day for a miracle”. So we are going to go with that. It does seem like a pretty good day for a miracle! 🙂
Cassandra
She has been such a huge help this summer. She was invaluable in China and continues to be so. She allows her mama some sleep, some much needed sleep. I am always amazed at how much she has learned from our life. She is so far ahead in her walk with Christ than I was at her age. Here is her latest post that shows exactly what I’m talking about. Things I Have Learned
Codey
The boy turned 25. How is that even possible? I’m barely over 25. Although, I suppose that makes the fact that I just had my 30th high school reunion a little improbable too. 🙂 Codey has adjusted well to all his siblings. He doesn’t seem to mind the increased decibels in the house. It has gone remarkably well. Better than I could have even hoped for. He has been healthy and he is a pretty happy guy.
Elijah
We now know why it said that he was “charming and handsome” throughout his papers from the orphanage. This boy will charm the socks off you. He is sweet and the faces he makes just crack me up. Last night we hit a wonderful milestone and he melted my heart a little more. There are many habits that children come with, who are raised in an institution, one of them is not wanting to be held or rocked. Some, not all, children have this. They are so used to being alone. Comforting themselves. Not crying out when they are in pain because no one responds. It’s just very, very sad. Last night Eli had a nightmare and he let me rock him. He let me hold him and comfort him and he said, “Mama, wuv you.” Those moments are to be treasured. Those moments of complete trust and the understanding that you are there for them. Little tiny steps but every time they happen they just warm your heart.
Evangeline
This little girl just continues to improve every single day. She has gained about a pound a week and weighs in at 20 pounds now. She is sitting, crawling all over, pulling herself up to standing. She is singing and saying new words every day. Little Evie’s heart catherization is scheduled for August 6th at the U of I Hospitals. I am soooooo not ready for this, but she is getting bluer and bluer. It needs to be done. I love, love, LOVE this little girl so much! She has a personality that is just so big! She steals people’s hearts in a matter of minutes when they meet her. They are hoping to place a stent in her PDA and increase the blood flow to her very small pulmonary arteries. Their hope is with increased blood flow, maybe her arteries will grow. I’ve had others write to me, to encourage us, with stories telling how this has worked for their children. Praying that there is hope for our little Evie Faith. Her middle name says it all – we have proceeded in faith and continue to press on in faith.
Faith makes things possible NOT easy. Have you heard that saying before? That’s where I am right now. It’s easy to love her. It’s easy to have your heart completely stolen by her. It’s easy to thank God for the gift of being her mama. It’s hard to know that I may not ever get to have a birthday cake with her. How silly is that? But not being able to celebrate a milestone with her makes me cry. It really is the little things in life that matter. It’s hard to think about taking this chance, even though the percentage is low that she won’t make it through the cath, the truth is she might not. Am I strong enough to take this chance? How strong is my faith? Can I truly just turn it over? Fear Not! Fear NOT! FEAR NOT! Eyes directly on the Lord and counting each and every blessed day I get to spend with her.
Gracie
She just got a great report from the hospital at her check-up. She got to drop another medication. She grew taller, which is a big deal for a child who isn’t growing from being on steroids. She’s been doing really, really well. She has also informed me that when she grows up she is adopting 20 kids. That is just my Gracie’s heart. She loves more and wants to do more. She just loves her siblings. In the picture below she made an early morning picnic for them. She’s always the one making the forts, playing games, giving baths (with help), having dance parties, etc.
If you are wondering why Benjamin is in a penguin costume, well, the night before the girls had a fancy dance party complete with big, frilly dresses. Benjamin thought he should wear a tuxedo and this was as close as he could find. He then wanted to sleep in it, which I allowed. There’s just something about not knowing how many days you have that make the little things seem like not such a big deal. Who cares if he sleeps in a penguin costume?
Hope
Hope is Epic! Her words not mine. I was asking her what she wanted me to tell others about her and she jokingly said, “Say I’m epic!” and then rolled on the floor laughing. So, of course, I have to include those words. That is just the kind of mom I am. Supportive! Actually, Hopey is truly epic and is doing really well. Health wise you’d never have any clue she is missing half her heart. She recently just had a nasty bout of strep, but other than that she has been remarkably well.
Jasmine
Oh my goodness, this girl has been busy. She went to another VBS at a friend’s church. It was wonderful because they used the same VBS theme that our church did so she already knew all the songs and could sing along. She is learning more about God every day. We tell her the basics. God made everything. God loves you. God loves me. We love God. God brought us to her. Today a friend of the family who speaks fluent Mandarin asked her about God and told her a few more things.
The reward for attending every night of VBS was a ticket to the local amusement part, Adventureland. Tonight she went with Grace, Hope, Cassie, Zach and Stephanie. She loved it. She had a corn dog and a sno-cone. She tried the teacups, the ferris wheel, and a pretty tame roller coaster. She played tons and tons of games with Zach and won two small stuffed toys. She had an old time picture taken in the photo shop.
She has come so far. We are still waiting for her neuro appointment and her 2 1/2 hour MRI, which is scheduled for next week. She had an eye exam this week and it broke my heart. So many things that orphans feel and are fearful of that we can’t even imagine. Take for instance the eye exam. They started showing her letters and all was going well until the letter “H” came up on the screen. She didn’t know “H” so they handed her a board with four letters on it and asked her to point to the one she saw. It was then that the tears started. Not just a tear but full-out-sobbing tears. It broke my heart. She heard the word “test”, couldn’t say the letters, and just lost it. When I asked her about it on Google Translate all she would say was that she was “afraid”. She wouldn’t/couldn’t tell me why. It just made me sad. Something as simple as not knowing a letter should not fill you with such fear.
Today I asked her if she was happy here and her little face just lit up and she said, “Oh yes, Mama!” Those three little words just made my day.
Lainey
She is still not sleeping which makes for some really, really, really long nights. We have started taking shifts. Every once in a while, Hopey takes the 10 p.m. to 12 p.m. shift for me, because she likes to play video games and she isn’t able to have alone time during the day. It’s a win-win situation. Zach hasn’t been able to take many because of the final push on his video game, but sometimes takes the 1 to 3 shift. Cassie has been taking the 1 a.m. to 7 a.m. shift with Dan taking over at 4 a.m. when he is able to. Cassie is sleeping on and off during those hours, getting bottles left and right, holding a child who doesn’t want to be consoled, and all in all, being a life saver. I get up around 6:30 a.m. and take over with the crew, since no one, but the older kids, like to sleep past 7. Cassie then goes back to bed until noon. We have to find a solution before the end of August because Cassie will be going back to school. We have recently been approved to try melatonin. There was some debate on whether you could use it with a child with PKU, but we’ve been given the okay. Hopefully, this will help our child, who doesn’t want to sleep. sleep.
On top of that we found out that Lainey is extremely farsighted. We have been noticing that she grabs at things funny, like she just can’t see it clearly. She takes both hands and kind of starts big and brings them in closer. She seems to have an issue with depth perception and she is clumsy. It’s nice that at least there is a reason for this. We ordered her a pair of glasses. They are like goggles, completely unbreakable. This child might make that statement untrue.
Here she is rocking her compression shirt. It has really helped her. When you put the shirt on, she instantly becomes calm. It is the strangest thing.
But all in all, if you saw the Lainey we saw on day 1 and compared her to the Lainey you see before you now, things are so much better. Truly better. She is happy. She hugs. She plays with the kids. She laughs out loud. It does a mama’s heart good to know that she knows she is loved.
Maisey
Well, little Maisey Mei got herself some glasses. Fitting glasses on a little Asian nose and not really having ears is a challenge. These are what we found. Cute, little, pink wire-rimmed glasses. We use her hearing aid headband to hold them up and it seems to be working pretty well. Her speech has just taken off. She is getting clearer and clearer in the way she says her words. She is a great big sister to the littles.
Mom
Mom is back in her own home and feeling better. She just had her check-up today. She is still really weak but is steadily getting better. Her ejection fraction went from 20% to 35% – so that was wonderful! We were also told that she would need her carotid surgery done first to allow for proper blood flow to her brain when she is put on bypass. They said surgery is likely three months after pulmonary emboli are discovered. That would mean surgery could possibly be in 2 months with her quadruple bypass following 4-6 weeks later.
I am posting pictures of all the kids so I thought I’d include the picture my sister-in-law recently took of my mom. She is rocking those Minnie Mouse shades! Mom won’t care. Really she won’t. Have I mentioned that my mom doesn’t own a computer or know how to get on the web to even read my blog?
(No worries. I did tell her and she gave me permission.)
Zachary
He is busy with his new game that is set to be released at the end of the month. I say “his” but the truth is, he is the lead programmer for an international company trying to put their first game out. It’s pretty exciting watching how God has let him use his degree from home, which pretty much everyone said wasn’t possible. Oh and have I mentioned that he has a girlfriend? She is very sweet and all of Zachary’s siblings really, really like her. I won’t out them and put up a picture….yet. For now, do you hear that Stephanie? 🙂
Everyone
Everyone gets along so much better than I could have even hoped for. Maisey helps Lainey in so many ways. Maisey seems to have an affinity for helping those who aren’t able to communicate. She just gets right in their face and directs them. She makes Lainey hug and hold hands and play. It is a blessing to watch them play.
Right now the littles are riding their cozy coupes in circles around the couch.
Life is hectic, busier than I could even ever imagined but it is full of love and laughter. I couldn’t imagine my life without even one of my blessings.
Praying life is treating you well friends. Enjoy your family, your friends, your faith and follow God’s lead without fear!
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Hi! My name is Jasmine!
Jasmine went to Vacation Bible School (VBS) this week and had a wonderful time. I worried about her going because she doesn’t know a ton of conversational English yet, but Jasmine loves music and VBS has a tons of singing and dancing. I wondered if she would feel out of place in the 1st to 3rd grade class with Gracie, but I wanted her to be with someone she knew. Hope, who is also 14, is a helper this year because she is too old to attend VBS. I wanted Jasmine to be able to enjoy VBS, even though she was technically too old to go. I thought it was an important right of passage for her first summer in America. Our church is very small and very accommodating, so Pastor agreed to let her be in Gracie’s class.
All week long people would come up to her and say, “Hi, my name is ______ and Shuang Shuang would respond, “Hi! My name is Jasmine.” She always has that big old smile plastered across her face and everyone falls in love with her and her sweet, gentle spirit. I have been asked over and over again if she always smiles and I have to admit most of the time Jasmine is smiling. I told her that she could use the name Shuang and she said, “Mama, I like Jasmine. It is pretty!” I told her that is why we picked it because it means beautiful flower and she is just so pretty. (Which got me another one of those 100 watt smiles.)
She went all week with Grace, Hope and Cassie (who is 21 and is the music director). They sang, laughed, danced, did crafts and had a wonderful time. We took the bus a couple of times and that in itself is a grand adventure!
The gentlemen who runs the rec part of VBS is an older, retired gentlemen, named Tom, who is just as sweet as can be. One of my favorite moments of VBS happened during rec time. They had mowed a giant square with a little “X” in the middle for base. All of the children were set to play tag. Cassie took Jasmine to the side so she could watch, but Tom grabbed her wheelchair and said “No way, we get to play too!” and proceeded to wheel her all over the place while she giggled and giggled. I love that our church has been so wonderful about opening their hearts to our children and including them.
One night after she came home and told me all about her fun, I started thinking about how different her life is now. Thinking about where she would be if we hadn’t gone and got her. When we first asked about what happened to children who turned 14, we were told that she would have been put out on the street. After having met Jasmine, we knew that couldn’t have been possible. She isn’t able to sit up by herself, roll herself over, or even dress herself. If she falls over, she is not able to move. There is no way she could have lived on her own. We later learned from a reliable source – “I believe she (Shuang) definitely would have ended up in an adult institution –and they are just heartbreaking. I have only been to two on my trips – and the conditions just haunt me.”
That is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking because she really is the most beautiful soul. How she has managed to keep this beautiful soul intact after all she’s been through just amazes me. Imagine what your personality would be like after having been abandoned right before your 8th birthday. She must have been loved and then as she started to lose her mobility, they decided to abandon her. I look at little Gracie, who is also 8, and I can’t imagine what that would take and I can’t imagine what that would do to her heart. I can’t even wrap my head around it. Not only that but Jasmine has some really, really nasty scars. She has what looks like burn marks about the size of 50 cent pieces on her legs. She has one that goes from ear to ear under her chin, possibly from a nasty fall. Plus, a few others. I know what her leg ones look like and I pray that they truly weren’t intentional burns, but the reality is they are too perfectly shaped to be a splatter burn and they are too deep to be a small burn.
But through all of that and six years in an orphanage, this little soul didn’t lose her sweetness. What a blessing it is to be her mother. I hate, absolutely detest, that it took us so long to find her. Love Without Boundaries had advocated for her for years. There were other sweet families that wanted to adopt her and weren’t able to, through no fault of their own. She has been loved. She has been prayed for, by so many, for so many years. I can’t wait to tell her those things. I can’t wait until I can be sure that Google Translate is saying it right. She has always been loved. Her sweet spirit has shined through for so many years. Dan and I believe that she was a blessing as a big sister to the others in the orphanage and we find some comfort in the fact that there was a purpose to her being there. We got some very sweet pictures and videos from her time in the orphanage from Love Without Boundaries. She was showing the other kids crafts and she is just so patient with them. She is so wonderful with the “littles” in our house. She is so kind and gentle. She takes them on her wheelchair. She reads them books and sings with them. She feeds them and is just so patient with them.
I can’t adequately give words to just how overwhelming it is to think of what her life might have been and what it currently is. Not because I want to toot my own horn about “saving” her. It’s not that at all. Truth be told, we never intended to adopt an older child. We never even opened our hearts to the idea until her picture appeared before us through LWB and our hearts were forever hers. It’s just the miraculous ability of God to make families. God did not leave her in the orphanage – man did. I believe that God did not intend to bring her harm. But in the end, all the bad that happened, has turned to good. She has impacted so many people. She has changed my life for the better and the rest of our family too. She is such a blessing. Such a joy. Yes, there will be many sad days in the future with her diagnosis, but the good news is we will all be by her side. She will not be alone through any more of her suffering. She will never, ever be alone again. She has a family.
Jasmine is happy. Jasmine is loved. Jasmine is funny. Jasmine is patience. Jasmine is LOVE! Jasmine is silly. Jasmine is joy! Jasmine has brightened all of our lives. What has happened in her life, may not make any sense in our minds, but I for one am happy that I get to be blessed with being her mother, no matter how that came to be and no matter how many years we may be granted.
If God has placed an older child upon your heart, don’t automatically rule it out. We had heard horror stories of what it meant to adopt an older child. For that reason, we had decided long ago that it wouldn’t be a good fit for our family. Yes, her diagnosis was worse than we had expected, but Jasmine is so much more than we could have ever imagined. Get all the information that you can, pray and then proceed. My prayer is more and more older children will find homes. My heart just breaks for those that don’t. May God guide you and bless you and may your heart be opened to all that could be.
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30 days to a better me
Hard times and deep truths often come together. If you want the latter, you must be willing to make it through the former. – unknown
30 days ago today, our family went from 10 to 14. 30 days ago today, I thought I had been through hard and could handle anything. 30 days ago, I thought I had it all figured out. 30 days ago, I thought my faith was secure. 30 days ago, I knew what God was asking of me and I was ready to proceed with this grand adventure. 30 days ago I was so sure that I could handle anything. 30 days ago – oh man, was I was clueless!
We showed up the day after Mother’s Day, ready to receive three more blessings. My blessings would then total 12. My childhood dream of having 12 children was about to come true. I was happy. I was nervous. I was feeling so blessed. I knew two of these blessings had complex heart defects. I knew Lainey had PKU and there was bound to be issues with her feedings. We were prepared as we could be….at least that is what I thought.
But 24 hours later, I was questioning everything. How could God bring me to this. This was not just hard, but realllllyyyyyyy hard? I was already doing my best with a life that was hard at home. Not so much hard, but complicated. I have children with complex medical conditions. I have a busy household already. I do g.t. feedings and oral feedings, medications, and lots of appointments, on top of homeschooling and all my usual mommy chores. How in the world were we going to do any of this?
All I could see in that first 24 hours was the hard. The fits, the crying, the whining, the refusing to eat, the not sleeping, the more complex diagnoses and the fear. Fear was a very real emotion during those first few days. How were we going to handle this? Before we traveled, I was so sure that we could handle it. But now I doubted everything.
Well not everything, I still believed with all my heart that God brought me to these children. These were my children. But I doubted me. Maybe that is why this happened. I mother pretty well. I mother people who don’t want to be mothered. I have been known to mother my grown children’s friends. It’s just in my genetic code. It is who I am. When others dreamed of being doctors, nurses, and teachers, I dreamed of being a mom. I have always believed in my ability to mother. I don’t do everything right, but I have what I believe to be the most important aspects of mothering and I do those to the best of my abilities. I believe God brought me, once again, to that place of being so overwhelmed that I knew there was no way in the world I could do this, which placed all that we were doing, even more so, at the base of the throne of my Lord. Only through Him would we ever be able to do this. Only with Him would I be able to survive.
So 30 days later, I praise a God with a plan that is so much bigger and better than mine. I give all glory to Him and the previous year that brought us to our blessings. Our wonderful, unbelievable blessings that have made so much progress in just 30 days.
Evie’s prognosis may not have been what we had hoped, but we have not given up hope. In 30 days, this little girl has gone from not being able to sit by herself to crawling across the floor at lightning speed. She is so happy and so loving. She is so very beautiful with her big brown eyes. She is very blue still with O2 sats in the mid 50’s and low 60’s,but she has already put on four pounds. This is what a little love and a little food will do for you.
30 days later, and this handsome little guy has become Mr. Charming. He was withdrawn, whiny, and refused to eat for days, but now he is so sweet and loving and there isn’t a food he doesn’t like. He is thoughtful and takes care of his sisters. He is the perfect little guy to end our family. (Although, Gracie did tell me last night that she wished she could hypnotize me so I would forget how many children we had so we could adopt again.) 🙂
Shuang Shuang’s smile lights up our house throughout the day. She laughs, and teases, and is the best big sister. She holds the kids. They climb all over her wheelchair. She even reads to them. She has been so trusting from day one. We have been so moved by all the people who have had their lives touched by her. We have received letters and e-mails. She received an American Girl doll with a wheelchair from her new pen pals. She received a birthday present from Spain from a family that had sponsored her while she was in the orphanage. It has been so moving and we have made new friends. Her diagnosis was not what we had planned on and her future won’t contain the healing surgery we hoped for, but we are blessed to have had her join our family.
Which brings us to little Lainey, she was so very sad those first 48 hours. She broke my heart and I wondered if I would ever be able to reach her. Would she ever be happy? Would she always be in her own little world? Would this angry, crying, temper tantrum throwing be all that there was? 30 days later and we see a girl who smiles most of the day. She runs up to all her siblings and loves to chase Codey. She loves to climb up in your lap and sit. She plays and she laughs and she is truly happy. There are still a few outbursts, but they are few and far between and most of them involve wanting her bottle. She is not magically cured and she still spends a lot of time in her own little world, but there are moments of eye contact with meaning. There is purposeful play. She runs up and hugs people and kisses them. She loves to cuddle on your shoulder.
30 days have brought so many changes to our family. I thought there was no way that I would be able to do any of the usual things that I did with the kids, but….
This is what we look like going shopping.
This is what we look like swimming.
This is what we look like hanging at home.
This is what we look like in our car.
We can’t all fit in one or even two of our cars, which is why we had to buy a bus….
Which made Benjamin very, very happy!
30 days later and although my house is messier and I am definitely more tired, I have had the privilege of watching little ones bloom. What a miracle to get to be a part of. 30 days later and I trust God even more. 30 days later and I realize that I set my goals too small. I believe that I can’t when God knows that I can with His help. We are still getting used to our new normal. We are still trying to figure out how to run our days as smoothly as we can. But 30 days later, I have been kissed more, hugged more and loved more than I ever believed possible. I have heard more laughter and have had more love showered on me than any mama deserves. 30 days later is a very good place to be.
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Shuang Shuang turns 14
When we found out that expediting Eli was possible, we knew that we would be cutting it close with Shuang Shuang’s aging out of the orphanage. In China, when you turn 14 you are no longer available to be adopted. We were told that it didn’t matter if the paperwork was all done and we were traveling, if we weren’t there before she turned 14, then we couldn’t adopt her. God had shown himself over and over again during this year that lead us to four beautiful souls. We decided, once again, to trust in His plan and proceeded, believing with all our hearts, that He would get us to her in plenty of time.
We were told many things about what would happen to her after she turned 14. Someone said she would be put out on the street. That could not have even remotely been a possibility. She isn’t able to sit-up, roll over, or really move herself. Someone else told me that they thought she would have been moved to an adult mental institution. I don’t honestly know what would have happened to her, and it breaks my heart to even consider the possibilities. I hurt for all the years she spent in the orphanage waiting for a family. I have said many times that I don’t always understand God’s plans, but I trust them. I do know having seen her with our little ones that she was probably a wonderful big sister to the children in the orphanage. I bet she encouraged and changed many lives.
Having read the posts about Lauren (Shuang) on Love Without Boundaries site, you see quickly that her life has touched many people. Many people were praying for her and we even heard from her sponsors this week. They both talk about how much they care about Shuang. It’s been a very moving couple of weeks.
So on this, her 14th birthday, a whole week as a US citizen, it seemed appropriate to celebrate.
We had a busy day today. The girls had a dance recital at 11 and 5:30, so we chose to let Shuang Shuang sleep in. I woke her up after noon and she still wanted to sleep. Jet lag is no fun! Maisey and Eli woke me up at 4:30 a.m. so we decided to start decorating. During our decorating fun, I had to put Maisey in time out because I turned around to find her having already opened two of Shuang’s gifts. More wrapping, more decorating, and we were as ready as we could be.
Dan may have gone a little overboard on the gifts. He said she has missed 6 birthdays and he wanted her to have a nice one. He went shopping and found a random array of gifts. From a stuffed dog that you make sing with a microphone, to really girly purses. The sad thing was she didn’t understand gifts. She didn’t know how to open one, but that was soon rectified.
And even some random goofy gag gifts….
Mema brought her a special, big, pink, princess, cake.
Eli especially enjoyed Shuang’s cake.
We went to her siblings dance recital. Where Maisey proceeded to turn herself slightly with her back to the audience and not dance one little bit. The audience ooohhed and awwwed and I wondered why I always have the child who loves dance and refuses to perform at the recital. She looked cute in the outfit though.
And on our way into the recital, a lady who had been selling bouquets of flowers to dance families, said that she had one bouquet of flowers left and wondered if she could give them to Shuang. I told her that it was her birthday and that would be wonderful. Happy birthday wishes were spread around and Shuang felt special. It’s not often you are on a sidewalk and a random person hands you a bouquet of flowers. I love Godcidences.
What a wonderful addition Shuang has been to our family. Everyone loves her. While Ben was dancing on stage, he stopped and yelled, “Hey, I can see mama and Shuang. Shuang, Shuang came to watch me. Awesome!” Cassie and Gracie especially have fun with Shuang. Gracie has always had a special place in her heart for Shuang and had hoped that they would be friends. It has turned out better than Gracie had hoped. They sleep in beds right next to each other. They giggle and play their I-pads. It’s a wonderful thing to see.
It was a big day. Cassie took the littles into the playroom so that I could take a nap. This is what happened a mere 20 minutes later.
But Shuang and Gracie were still going strong at midnight.
All in all, it was a wonderful day filled with happy memories. I fell in love with her picture on LWB’s site, when LWB was advocating for a family for her. I cried tears because we had already decided that adopting an older child was not a good fit for our family. At the very same moment, in another room, on another computer, Dan read the same story and cried tears too. He came to me and said we needed to talk and the rest is history as they say. Thank goodness God doesn’t listen to what we think we can handle. I can’t imagine my life without that sweet smile in it.
Happy birthday Shuang Shuang – my beautiful Jasmine flower. Mama loves you!
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It’s amazing what a few days will do….
Now that I am past the shock of things I wasn’t prepared for and have gotten more than two hours of sleep in a row, things are looking much better. When you adopt, you know you are not getting the most up-to-date reports and you always take the chance at unforeseen circumstances and diagnoses. We went into this with our eyes wide open about that and I thought I was prepared for anything that came up, but I obviously wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was.
Now that I’ve gotten a week under my belt, I will say right up front that God knows better than me. What a statement. I feel like I should put a “duh” in the middle of that. Obviously God knows better. I have always known this but it still blows my mind everytime I see Him work in my life. He knows what I can handle. He knows how to stretch me and challenge me and make my faith grow. All along, I have said “I’m too old for an infant. I couldn’t possibly adopt an older child. Autism is something I just couldn’t deal with.” I can’t decide if He is just trying to prove me wrong or not so I have decided to change my new “I couldn’t possibly….” to “I couldn’t possibly handle winning the powerball.” 🙂
I said, “I couldn’t handle an infant.” Evie is like a newborn. She eats every two-three hours. She isn’t able to sit alone. She is pretty malnourished and delayed. We took her in for her medical evaluation yesterday and her oxygen saturations read 53%. She is very blue and very sick. Because we have dealt with Ben, it hasn’t been nearly as frightening this time around. I did say I couldn’t deal with a newborn and guess what? I can. Had I avoided this adoption, then I would have missed out on the cutest little girl you have ever seen with the biggest personality. The first few days she was just so hungry all the time so she cried a lot. Now that she has been fed continuously for a week, she is already doing so much more. She is trying to pull herself up to a sitting position. She can grab on and pull herself up to her knees. She smiles all the time. It’s funny because people expect her to be an infant and then she smiles at them with all those teeth. It’s funny watching their reactions. What a sweet little soul she has. She charms the socks off of everyone she meets. I’m glad God knows better because I would have missed out on loving this sweet, little girl.
I said, “I couldn’t handle an older child. I said it wouldn’t be a good fit for our family.” Wow! Was I wrong. I wish you could see just how brave Shuang has been. She has taken this all in stride. She is all smiles and sweetness. She had to get her immunizations yesterday and she said it was fine. She would be brave. She just wants to get to America and be with her family. She is so good with the little ones. She encourages them and shares with them. She helps them in any way that she can. She offers you her food. She tries so hard to be helpful. When we took her into for her medical appointment yesterday, the doctor started off being so gruff. Then the doctor’s attitude changed, she talked about how sweet Shuang is. She talked about how her medical records don’t match with what she has. We told her we were aware of that. It’s kind of hard to miss. By the end of the appointment, the doctor was very kind to Shuang and even walked Dan and Shuang to the elevator and pushed the buttons for them. Shuang is another sweet soul just looking to be loved. Everyone has been so moved by her and her story. No one leaves her presence without being moved. It is hard for us, in America, to understand what it takes to be disabled in China. We have had people just stop and glare at her for over 20 minutes. They yell things at her. She just smiles and tries so hard to be brave. I can’t wait to get to America and show her how many people care about her. To show her that her disability does not make her less than. She is truly an amazing little girl with the best laugh. I am so proud to be her mama and it has only been two weeks. Oh what I would have missed.
I said, “I couldn’t handle parenting an autistic child.” The reason for this statement is because I am a very silly, huggy person. As a matter of fact, the first sentence Shuang learned from us was “mama’s silly”. It’s a good thing Shuang likes silly. But the truth is, I was afraid of how I would react to a child that couldn’t show affection back. That’s not a pretty statement but it’s the truth. I was afraid of how I would respond as a mother. I love my biological children and my adopted children the same. Now we all love our children differently because they are different people. Nothing in life is even and fair. I love my children for different reasons because they are different people. I don’t have favorites though. That is a totally different thing. What I was afraid of was the not feeling connected part. I love spending time with my children. How would I react to a child that couldn’t show love back. What I’ve learned is it doesn’t change how you feel as a mother. It’s unconditional love for a reason. It’s not based on how they love you back. It’s based on how much you love them. Lainey is severely delayed. Lainey is in her own little world most of the time. Lainey has triggers that take her into a full blown tantrum very quickly. We are learning those triggers and have already seen progress in helping her calm quicker and stopping the tantrums before they get full blown. But Lainey also has a cuddly side. She doesn’t hug, but she likes to lay her head on your shoulder and just snuggle in. She laughs and runs and dances and spins. Lainey has worth and Lainey deserves a family. I’m glad I get to be her mama. I know it won’t be easy. I know we are going to have to make a lot of changes, but I can already see how much she is going to change me as a person.
God does know better. God knows what we need to grow as a person and what we can handle. I will say that without Him I couldn’t handle any of this. Without His promises to go to time and time again, I would be lost. I have and will spend many days crying out to Him for strength to get through, but I know His love is constant and His grace is sufficient. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Dan brought me those words to put on the wall in the kid’s room. It’s a constant reminder of where my eyes should be.
I would be remiss to not mention little Mr. Eli. What a charming, handsome boy this boy is. He is so sweet and soft spoken. He really does remind me of Zachary when he was little. God is amazing with how He works. I am amazed at how He makes families. If you know my Zachary, you know what a special boy he has always been. He has always had a faith that was unbelievable from the time he was little. He is gentle, smart, observant and the most special kind of boy. Ben is like that and so is Eli. It just blows my mind that they are all so alike. I love that Eli and Ben are going to be such good friends. I can already see them building things together. God is so good.
God has His hands in the smallest of details. When I stand back and look at how blessed I am to get to be a part of these things, well…..it is just mind boggling. I humbly stand in awe of a God that would allow me to get to do these things. Truly, I am amazed. When I think of all the things that had to come together for this past year to work, it is just mind blowing. We started out with these words at Codey’s bedside “Faith makes things possible, not easy!” Faith in God’s plan. Faith in God’s promises. Faith that all things work together for good. Faith in something that is so much bigger than me. And to think , had I chosen, I would have missed it.
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2013 China Adventures: Family Update
I should have posted sooner and I apologize that I haven’t. I have lots of excuses for why I haven’t. First off, I can’t get my phone to hook to internet. I can’t get my blog site to pull up at all. I’ve been blocked here in China. You can get wireless hookup in the main lobby but it’s been too hectic to head downstairs. And lastly, I just haven’t been able to post because I wasn’t sure what to say. I’m filled will so many emotions right now – sadness, anger, grief, joy, feeling blessed and so happy to be with my children. I know Cassie has posted pictures on her site – why she hasn’t been blocked is beyond me. Her site, if you missed it from before, is http://thankfulforthecrazy.wordpress.com/
I’m not even sure where to start. We have spent days running around for paperwork and today is our first free day which is why I’m trying to post while the kids are napping. Yesterday, we left at 7 a.m. with Evie and Eli. We took a 30 minute taxi ride to the bullet train station, where we walked forever and climbed 3 flights of stairs with a huge bag and a baby waited another 40 minutes and then we took an hour bullet train ride at 300 km/hr to Zumahdian to fill out the paperwork for Evie’s passport. We had time to kill so they took us to her orphanage, which meant another taxi ride. Then it was lunch, another taxi, and run back to the bullet train, up more stairs, another 30 minutes to next stop for Eli’s passport paperwork, more stairs, more taxis, more waiting, crazy women outside of court offices, back in a taxi, more stairs, more walking, one hour and 30 minutes back to our town, one more taxi and then home at 5:00 p.m. and Eli cried frantically every time we were on the train. Overall, that is pretty much how our days are going.
It is always exhausting when you travel to adopt. Your sleep schedule is messed up. The children come to you with trauma from the orphanage or even if they were well cared for, they have trauma from having to say good-bye. It takes a while for sleep schedules to get worked out, to figure out what they like to eat, and for them to trust. There is a big adjustment period. Though it never fails that they attach themselves to one person and they don’t want much to do with everyone else.
There is no way to make this short or in a way that makes it one cohesive point so I will finish this and then I am going to write a couple paragraphs about each child. I will tell you ahead of time that this emotional roller coaster has had so many lows – from the unbelievable malnutrition of Evie to the unknown diagnosis of Lainey and Jasmine, to seeing all the children in the orphanage. My heart just hurts, the pain and hurt of knowing what my children will go through and the grief of dreams lost. I know that the will of God will not take me where the grace of God will not provide, but I am having great difficulty understanding all that has happened. I trust His plan and I will continue to trust His plan, but our lives have just gotten ten-fold more complicated than even I thought it was going to be. I will move forward and find a new normal. It will just take some time.
EVANGELINE FAITH
On Gotcha Day at the Registration Office, I was so angry when they handed Evie to me. Evie turned two on March 25th. Evie is not able to sit alone. She weighs approximately 12 pounds, maybe a smidge more, by Dan’s judgment and he is usually dead on. 12 month clothes fall off her. We had to head to Wal-Mart and buy her those brand new infant shoes that you get for newborns and they are too big. I can’t even begin to adequately express my anger over her malnutrition. Every horrible thought that you could imagine went through my head, but when we showed up at the orphanage it was very apparent that Evie was loved. Her nanny was so happy to see her. It was a nice enough place. The other babies were chubby. They just weren’t feeding her enough to compensate for the extra calories she needs because of her heart defect.We even got to see a new friend’s of ours baby, named Meili. Oh man does this girl have personality. She looked so good and was so happy. She showed us her playroom. Meili danced for us and Dan has a video. We can’t wait to get somewhere that it will let us send it to them.
We also got to see where Evie was abandoned. It was a street corner covered in garbage and I can’t even begin to tell you how that made me feel. I’m just so happy to take my little girl out of here. The good news is this little girl is full of personality. She smiles at the drop of a hat. She sucks her thumb just like Hopey used to. I’ve never seen another child suck their thumb like this – thumb in mouth, pointer finger up over her nose, and her other arm across her face so she can smell her arm. Plus, she kicks her feet just like Codey did when he was little and still in the hospital. She has brought back lots of wonderful memories. She is so very sick but I still feel so very blessed to be her mama.
ELIJAH JAMES
Little Mr. Eli has come out of his shell today. He was definitely loved and believes himself to be the emperor or at least a prince. He offers you his forehead to kiss and he dismisses you with this wave of his hand. The wave is like this “no, no that’s beneath me” wave. It makes me laugh every single time.He and Evie refused to eat the first few days. We tried bottles, sippy cups, cups, etc. and couldn’t get them to take anything. Cassie finally got the idea to spoon feed them liquid and that worked. Evie eats every 2-3 hours like a newborn so it’s been a tiresome couple of days. Eli is the healthiest out of everyone. How’s that for a kick in the behind? He looks wonderful and reminds me of Zach when he was little. He’s very quiet. He just sits and observes everything. He was the first to call me mama. Until today he wanted me to hold him 24/7. He wouldn’t eat until we went to KFC yesterday. The chicken finally got to him. If you know Dan, you know that is one of his favorite restaurants.
Eli truly is very, very sweet. The orphanage care giver that dropped him off said he is unbelievably sweet and easy going. He definitely looks as though he has been spoiled. He plays so sweetly with Evie. He includes Jasmine in everything. He even plays well with Lainey. He shares everything and has the cutest voice. He waved good-bye this morning and said, “Bye, bye baba (daddy).” and then blew dan a kiss. He has adjusted well.
JASMINE SHUANG
Jasmine or Shuang-Shuang (Sh-wong, Sh-wong) as she was called in the orphanage is the best girl. Everyone who meets her comments on how sweet and well-behaved she is. She has just gone with the flow. She takes everything in stride. Believe me this is a big deal. We showed up expecting a child with a mass on her back. We knew she was in a wheelchair and expected her to be a paraplegic. We were not expecting a child who can do very little for herself. She tries but she just doesn’t have the tone to do it. She can raise her arms a little. She pulls her pant legs to move her legs. She is able to feed herself, brush her teeth, etc, but that is about it. She has scoliosis that almost bends her in two.We are assuming she has some form of muscular dystrophy. I’m going to post that even without a diagnosis because it fits with her story. With m.d. you start to lose muscle function when you are 6 or so. She probably got very clumsy and then it got progressively worse and her parents didn’t know what to do with her. When you meet this girl you will understand what I’m saying when I say, I can NOT even fathom what that took to do that. She is an unbelievable child. She loves being a family and that makes me very, very happy.
LAINEY RAE
That leaves Lainey or LuLu, as Cassie has now started calling her. The reason for my pain and anguish. She is a beautiful little girl but she doesn’t just have PKU with a little brain damage. She is severely delayed with autistic characteristics. If you know me, you know that is one of the things I never thought I could handle. There were two things we did not check on disabilities we were willing to take. Those were hydrocephalus, because we had already been through all of that with Codey and I hate seizures, etc. and the second is autism.This little girl is so cuddly, which is a gift considering the level of her disability. I’m sharing this with you because when you meet her it is very apparent. This has been a shock and very painful to both Dan and I. We know that no matter what, family will be what is best for her. We will have to make lots of changes in our lives but she is worth it. Just this morning she ran down the hallway giggling and spinning. She was laughing and playing with Eli. She has the capacity to be happy and no matter what her life will be better by not staying here.
As you can see, we’ve had some adjusting to do – more than we expected – and believe me, I was expecting a lot. Even with the kids being as sick as I knew they were, I wasn’t prepared for this. God has blessed me with quite a few of the “least of these” and I will love them with all my heart.
FAMILY is a wonderful, wonderful blessing! I just want to get home so we can all start working on our new normal.
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Stolen Hearts
We drove to her orphanage today. The scenery was unbelievable, absolutely breathtaking. Mountains and big deep valleys as far as the eye can see. We drove for 5 hours to get to the orphanage. It was all paved road except for one small stretch. This small stretch was like an amusement park ride. Potholes and bumps that almost knocked you off your seat.
Have I mentioned how much fun the driving is here? I’m not sure why they have lines on the road. It’s more like a suggestion than anything else. In and out, barely missing another car, add a mountain with huge drop offs and it was just a party. As we were driving home, we saw little kids on the side of this mountain roads, where cars drive fast with all that in and out business, walking home from school with their book bags. I’m telling you there wasn’t a house to be seen for miles. I asked our guide Bill about it and he said these farm children want an education so bad that some of them walk 2 hours to and from school every day. We take much for granted.
We got to her city, which I was told was a small rural community. Ha! It’s about ten Des Moines’! It is hard to explain what you see there. I’m just glad to be taking her home. I asked if they’d really put her on the street. They said sometimes, they put children in adult institutions. So she probably wouldn’t be in the street, but for a little girl who can do nothing for herself except eat and brush her teeth. It wouldn’t have been pretty.
When we got to the city our driver and our guide were calling someone and driving around in circles. We were starting to wonder why they couldn’t find the orphanage. We were sitting in traffic and out of no where came Jack, her English tutor from the orphanage, he rode his bike and directed us to this small little shop. The orphanage director had invited us for lunch. The meal was unbelievable. So many different foods to try. We ate with chopsticks. It was a memorable moment full of laughter and good times.
Then we headed off to the orphanage. The good news is the workers at the orphanage were wonderful. They all love her. First, they took us to see the babies. Their were a couple that stole our hearts with their belly laughs. One wouldn’t let go of Dan’s finger. If only he had a pocket big enough……..
Then we went & saw her bedroom. It was a nice little room with Sponge Bob blankets. They had the rest of the children in a room waiting for us, all lined up on their little chairs. One little boy smiled up at Cassie and said ni hao jie jie (hi big sister) so she kneeled down to his level and he kissed her on the cheek. Pocket number three filled. Cassie was smitten with a giggly little baby too. This boy had so much personality. We met another little guy who leaves for the states next week. I don’t know who these parents are but they are in for a treat. Oh what a big hearted little guy, who had hugs and smiles for everyone.
We brought tons of clothes with us for Min because I had two different sets of measurements. Some of the smaller clothes will not fit because her scoliosis is so bad she needs a larger shirt. I pointed to the clothes and told her, with our new made up language – signenglishbadchinese, “too hot, too small” and then pointed to a picture that I have of her two best friends. They share a room together in the orphanage. She shook her head yes very enthusiastically and said “thank you”. Linda had also brought one of those fleece blanket kits to make with Min. It had two pieces of fleece that you tie together so we just let her hand the blankets and the bag of clothes to the girls in another room so the others wouldn’t see. Thy skipped down the hall to their room after giving Min a huge hug. It was a wonderful moment. And mommy would bring those two girls home too. I need to find them a family. They were sweet with no visible defects. I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I’d need a suitcase for these girls, a pocket just wouldn’t cut it.
The tall girl looked so sad sitting there. I had her come sit by me so I could put a bow in her hair. She snuggled in next to me and just looked at me with the saddest eyes. She just wants a mama and if she doesn’t get one where will she be? Man, I wish I could clone myself. I wish I could do more. I can’t stand it. It makes me want to build a house with lots of bedrooms. I’d have a classroom right there with a teacher. I’d have a maid so I didn’t have to waste my time on things that didn’t matter and I would be a mama to as many as I could. So right about now I can hear you say “wouldn’t that just be another orphanage?”. No! Because what is missing from those places isn’t love or caring. It’s the feeling of belonging, of mattering, of family. Knowing you have a family is something an institution just can’t give you. Every time Min leans in to me and looks at me with those big eyes and says “mama”, I know what matters.
Right now, I’m sitting on the bathroom floor, texting out this post on my phone, at 3 am again. I should try to get more sleep. Later, I will download the pictures and you will see what I mean. Be prepared to have your heart stolen.
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Contemplating
I’m awake most mornings at 3 am here. I wish that would stop but at the same time it’s quiet, just the sounds of the city, and I have time to think about what I’ve seen. What I’ll take home with me. It’s easy to talk about the things you miss from home: ice, water from the faucet, familiar faces, privacy, smiles on the street.
But there’s more. We are in a relatively small city by their standard and it’s huge. I haven’t seen the end of it yet. There’s just so much anonymity going on. No greeting people. No smiling hello. Just staring and glaring and scowling. You’ll probably never see the person again so it doesn’t matter.
I want to take Min shopping. I want to buy her something new, show her the city, but every time we go out they surround us, big circles of people – way inside your personal bubble, and they stare and the mama bear in me is none too happy. It’s not a “oh there’s a girl in a wheelchair” stare; it’s hard to even explain the animosity felt. Yesterday, while waiting for the van, a gentlemen glared (not stared) at her for 20 minutes. And her little heart hurts from it. She hangs her head in shame. It just breaks my heart. She’s been through so much. I try to contemplate what your little soul must be like to know that is how your community thinks about you and yet your first thought is still to care for others. Friends of mine have asked to have a get together so others could meet our new children after we get home. At first I thought no, then maybe, now I think yes. I would love to show her the love of complete strangers. I would love to show her how many people have supported her and care about her. What a gift that would be for her. Just look at the outpouring of love she has from the LWB community alone.
She is much sicker than we thought. We went into this prepared for anything. It’s ok. We knew no matter what we could give her the love of a family and she so deserves that. But it’s been a little bit of an adjustment. I’ll share more after we have a confirmed diagnosis. Being married to a pediatrician has its pluses, like no running to the ER for an ear infection in the middle of the night, but it has its downsides, especially for Dan. He knows too much about what can happen and what will happen to our children. That’s a blessing and a burden at the same time.
Back to my girl, she’s so very sweet. She’s so excited to go to the orphanage tomorrow and hand out clothes to her friends. She asked me if we could bring soccer balls. I told her when we go home we’ll send some. I’ll take her shopping where people will smile at her and not make her feel less than.
She is so very bright. Jack, her english tutor taught her well. She can count to 20 and write the numbers. She knows colors and loves pink! She says all her brothers and sisters names.
She is picking up on more English so quickly. We are teaching her sign and English and she is teaching me Chinese. She spends a lot of time giggling at my inability to say the words right.We, as a family, are an oddity here. We laugh and giggle a lot. Well, Dan doesn’t giggle but Linda, Cassie and I do. We find lots to laugh at everyday. Yesterday at the registration office, Bill our guide, told everyone there about us being a very happy family. I asked him why that was noteworthy and he said most people aren’t like that, which led to more contemplating. Did he mean here or families in general? Our family laughs all the time. The kids are silly. Dan, who can look so serious, could be a stand-up comedian. I’m happy I live in rural Iowa where it’s okay to laugh together and be silly. I didn’t realize that silly was such a big deal.
Well, my mind knows I should try to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. A five hour drive there and five hours back. It will be worth it so we can see where she has lived for the past six years. They cried over her leaving. People have loved her and I am so thankful for that. I’m sure there will be even more to contemplate after tomorrow.
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2013 China Adventures: Today’s the Day!
First off, I’m having trouble posting to my blog directly so if you’d like to see pictures and hear Cassie’s telling of our story, then head on over to thankfulforthecrazy.wordpress.com
Today was the day, we had to wait all morning long and that was such a hard thing to do. I was nervous. Worse than getting ready for a first date. Couldn’t find the right clothes and it was a bad hair day. I know that she just wants a mama but I wanted it to be perfect and I’m so far from perfect.
Dan had the great idea to get her an iPad. We downloaded a video of the kids saying they loved her, who they were, and how they couldn’t wait to meet her. We had it translated by Ali, a friend of Cassie’s. It was a huge hit. She played games and drew pictures. She then showed us all the English words she had learned and I showed her my really bad Chinese. Then she started writing on her iPad. She wrote that Cassie was beautiful and daddy was handsome. She also wrote mama is pretty but then she wrote it again and said “my” mama is pretty. Did you hear that? My!!!!
She is truly the sweetest soul. God has blessed us again. She is much worse off physically than we initially thought which made me sad. But mentally she is A smart as a whip and so, so sweet. How do I know you ask? Well, when she first met us she said we sent her a lot of stuff and she kept what was really important to her but she gave the rest to her friends in the orphanage and she wanted to know if that was okay. Then we told her we bought clothes for the children at the orphanage and she said it would be so much fun to hand it out. We will be making the 5 hour trip to the orphanage so she can hand out the clothes. Can’t deny her the handing out of presents to her friends.
We had our translator ask her what she wanted for dinner and she said “KFC and a coke”. Considering that is Dan’s favorite place to eat, I think she’s already proven she’s part of the family!
All in all a beautiful day. Love the translator apps. Love her beautiful flowing dark hair. Love her smile. Hate, hate, that she was there as long as she was. But she has a family now and that’s what matters.
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