-
Happy Birthday Zachary
Sometimes in life something that scares us to death, turns out to be the best thing in the world that has every happened to us. Twenty-four years ago today was that start of a wonderful blessing and that blessing was Zach.
I was so afraid when I found out I was pregnant with Zach. We were still in the hospital with Codey. I thought I had the flu and someone in the NICU asked me if I thought I could be pregnant. I laughed and said, “No, we are taking precautions.” – which meant I was on the pill, I took it every morning without fail. I could not even fathom what being pregnant while having a son still in the hospital would mean. We were barely scraping by the way it was. There were times my mom showed up with food and I was so grateful. When you can’t afford toilet paper, you know things aren’t going especially well. We were living in married student housing at Drake. Dan worked weekends at the hospital. I worked temporary work at law firms downtown. Temporary work allowed me to miss if I needed to be with Codey, which happened fairly often.
I remember the PICU wanting to call the news station to do a story about Codey and the fact that he would celebrate his first birthday in the hospital without having ever gone home. I thought there was no possible way that a news station would want to do a story about this subject. Boy was I wrong. So there I was in all my pregnant glory, about 5 months along. There was no hiding the fact that I was pregnant. I remember being so nervous and so upset because everyone sitting at home would wonder what in the world I was doing. I know I would have wondered the same thing about someone else.
Everything felt overwhelming. We had no money. We had to figure out what to do about a car because when Codey was able to come home we would have a ventilator, car seat, oxygen, suction machines, apnea monitor. There was no easy way to get all of that and a second car seat into a car. We had no idea what we were going to do. We could barely afford groceries, not to mention medical bills, special formula, g-tubes, suction tubes, trachs, and now we were going to add on more diapers and formula. I tried so hard to trust in God’s plan but it really didn’t feel like there could possibly be a plan at that time.
Codey went home for the first time at 14 months. It only lasted a few days. Codey was in and out of the hospital a lot the summer of 1988. Then on August 4th, Codey was admitted to the hospital again. The nurses in the PICU asked when the last time Dan and I had gone out. We laughed. They asked how many more weeks I had with the pregnancy and I said five. A couple of the nurses who did care at our home were on that night and since Codey was admitted for something not overly emergent, we decided to actually go see a movie. We trusted these nurses and were as comfortable as we could ever be with leaving him. We laughed while we went out about having babysitters for Codey and it was too bad I wasn’t farther along. Don’t every laugh about what could be….while at the movie – my water broke. (That was a fun one to tell the theater manager.) 🙂 Zachary was on his way. Ready or not!
From the moment he was born, we knew he was different. Zachary was being examined by the nurses and he arched up on his shoulders and his heals and flipped himself over on the warming table. In all the deliveries Dan has been at, he’s never seen it happen again. Zachary was the sweetest baby and he was such a comfort to me. It was hard to not hold Codey all the time and do the normal baby things. It was hard to lose every dream for Kyle and to have to start dreaming new ones for Codey. Zachary healed so many of those hurts.
Zachary and I were home alone a lot with Codey while Dan was in medical school. I couldn’t go out and see friends. I rarely got out of the house except to work my midnight to 6 shift on the weekends. I was isolated so Zach and I kept each other company. He was the funniest boy from the very beginning. He asked questions way above his age level. He questioned everything and we would talk about everything. People would look at us like I was crazy with the way I talked to him, but he understood way above his age level. When he was two he asked me why the sky was empty and it took me a while to realize that he meant there were no clouds. When I miscarried before Cassie, Zachary held my hand and comforted me and told me that God had a plan. I remember thinking you are three you are not allowed to be more mature than your mama. He even quoted scripture. When I was pregnant with Cassie, he kept asking questions, until I explained exactly how it happened. I remember constantly calling Dan and saying what do I do Zach just asked me this question and Dan would laugh and say give him the answer but don’t give him more than he needs to know. If he wants to know more, he will ask. He asked questions and more questions and even asked to see pictures until he understood it all.
When Zach was four, I drove a paper route in the afternoon with all the kids in the van. I had to have a job to be able to afford a car and it was the only job I could do with all three kids. We would drive around and sing rhyming songs and do math problems. Zach loved to do math problems. We sent Zach to school for kindergarten because he really hadn’t been around a lot of kids. We thought even though he was way ahead, it would do him some good to be around others. In first grade he would come home crying because he was bored and they would only let him add and subtract to 12. The teacher finally gave in and had a 6th grader come make up problems for Zach, but Zach got upset because the 6th grader would make a mistake and get mad when Zach corrected them.
I really had no idea that Zach was as bright as he was. I thought every child was like this. We took him out of school to home school him when he was in 4th grade. Zach loved learning everything he could at home. He dreamed of being an engineer. We found out about the Belin Blank center in Iowa City and Zach was allowed to take the ACT in 6th grade. He scored a 24 and beat 99% of the smartest kids in his age group. I remember being blown away and thinking how is that even possible? Because I truly believed he was just a regular kid. In 9th grade he scored a 35 – an almost perfect score. He started getting college letters from MIT, Stanford, all over the country. He has a binder of all his letters and where did Zachary go to school? Iowa State. Why did Zachary choose Iowa State? Because they had a good engineering program, it was 40 minutes from home, and I was pregnant with Gracie. He didn’t want Gracie to grow up and not know him. Zachary chose to live at home and drive back and forth to Ames. Zachary has always chosen family over what the world thinks he should do. Many of Zach’s friends gave him grief about living at home, but he always said that coming to the door and hearing Gracie yell his name made it all worth while. It happened again this past year when Zach found out about Benjamin and Maisey. He was doing an internship at EA Sports and he turned down a job offer with them to come home to get to know his new siblings. He said flying home once a month wasn’t enough. He wanted to know them both, but especially with Benjamin’s heart and not knowing what was going to happen. When Grace got sick, that cemented the deal. Grace and Zach have always had an extra special bond.
Zachary is such a sweet, compassionate soul. He is fun and jokes and loves playing games. He is kind and quiet, and so very, very bright. He is just truly a wonderful man. We would talk about what was most important when he was growing up. My number one goal as a parent was his salvation. My number two goal was building his foundation as solid as I could so he could be strong and handle whatever life threw his way. We called this MOIH – growing to be a Man of Integrity and Honor. Zachary is that and so much more. I couldn’t be happier to have him as a son. He has blessed my life in ways too numerous to mention. I look forward to seeing what his future is. God has plans for this boy and I love watching them unfold. Someday he will make the best father and husband and I look forward to the day he finds his soul mate. I have been blessed over and over again by this child who was not planned – at least not planned by me – God knew exactly what he was doing. As always, God’s plan is perfect!
-
Fun Friday Photo (silly edition)
Silly children.
Silly Maisey
Sticky frog.
Hospital hugs
-
Fun Friday Photo (mini’s edition)
Learning rock, paper, scissors
Finally need new clothes & I LOVE them!
Have I mentioned just how silly Ben is?
Too cute!
Going for a drive!
Photo bomb from Hope. Mei loves the noodles!
"Don't go Hopey!"
Yay for Hopey!!!!!
-
Adoption
I was recently given a suggestion for a book to read by a friend of ours. After she only read one chapter, she e-mailed me because it fit with everything I’ve been feeling lately. I ordered my own copy and it came in the mail today. I read the first chapter and cried. How can you read the words (from the book Adopted for Life), “For a couple of seconds, my mind flashed back to the first time I ever saw these two boys. They were lying in excrement and vomit, covered in heat blisters and flies, in an orphanage somewhere in a little mining community in Russia.” and not cry. Or read the blog of a mother who was asking for prayers for a little girl from Bulgaria who at the age of 12 weighed only 12 pounds. How is that even possible? How can we, with all the wealth we have in this country, let this happen to children?
I know that I have seen the ads and pictures on tv before and I have thought what can I possibly do? But then I went back to my own little world. It wasn’t until I unwrapped my little girl and boy from their bundles of clothing and saw their malnourished bodies that I grasped what it really meant to be starving – both for affection and food. I cried that night and I have cried on many nights since then because of what they endured. Sometimes I can hardly stand the thought that Maisey lay there for 6 1/2 months before she was brought to the Hills. 6 1/2 months of crying because she was hungry. 6 pounds at 6 months. It boggles my mind. Was she even able to cry any more? Did she stop crying because she learned that it didn’t matter? Or Ben who didn’t talk at all when we got him. When he finally talked he sounded like he hadn’t used his vocal cords in a very long time. Did he just give up? Why did they hold on for so long? Why am I lucky enough to get to hold them now. Why am I so blessed as to be able to be loved by these two sweet babies? Why did everything work out for them when it doesn’t for so many others?
If you believe in God, you can’t turn your back on this problem. If you believe in the Bible where it is stated over and over again to take care of the widow and the orphan, you can’t just walk away. If you know there are ways you can help, it is wrong to turn away. As Russell Moore says in the above mentioned book, “Adoption isn’t charity – it’s war.” It’s war because Satan wants us to do nothing or to feel so overwhelmed we think there is nothing we can do. That is why you will hear me say over and over again to look at New Hope Foundation or Show Hope or Love Without Boundaries or any of the many other wonderful organizations. I mention those 3 specifically because I have dealt with them personally and believe in their missions. These organizations are sponsoring families and children in a way that is amazing. They sponsor adoptions, surgeries, nannies, babies in orphanages and more. You can see where your money goes. A friend of ours recently sent money to help a child with a surgery in our families name. Love Without Boundaries in turn sent us that child’s picture and prognosis after surgery. Tangible gifts. I know not everyone is called to adopt. But we are all called to help in any way that we can. I have to say it again. If you are reading this, please pray and consider what you can do. Matthew 25:40 (KJV) And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
There are 147 million orphans some say the number is as high as 163 million. You alone can’t help them all, but you can help one. You can make one child’s life better. You can help feed one child, clothe one child, help pay for one child’s surgery. You can make a difference to one child. It’s the story of the little girl and the starfish….
A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement. She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”
The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied, “Well, I made a difference to that one!”
Make a difference for one today! You won’t regret whatever you do for the least of these. I guarantee it! 🙂
-
Things you never imagine happening….
For those of you who don’t know my son Codey, he is 25, severely physically and mentally challenged. One of his favorite things to do is open his window and listen to the cars go by and the birds sing. He has his big, fake leather, comfy chair parked right there under the window. He would sit there for hours if I would let him. We actually partially unscrew the screw in the lock to keep him from being able to unlock it and open the window even when it’s 100 out.
I admit that I worried about Codey and how our new kids would do with him. He doesn’t like to share toys. He doesn’t like change. He doesn’t like his wheelchair so he gets around our house by scooting on his bottom. He growls when he’s upset and can yell very, very loud. How do you explain that behavior to a child who is mostly deaf but can hear really loud noises or a child who 4 months ago only spoke Mandarin? It’s one thing to adopt a baby and have them grow up around it. It is a completely different set of issues to take a 2 and 3 year old and introduce them to him.
I’m sure you’ve heard me mention before that you should never worry because the things you worry about often don’t come to be and you couldn’t even possibly imagine what might come to be. (Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength. – Corrie ten Boom.) I’m not a worrier by nature, but thoughts do cross your mind – no matter who you are and how strong your faith is. You think “How am I gonna handle this if….”. It’s just human nature. I wondered about whether they would get along. What if they didn’t like each other. What if Benjamin and Maisey were afraid of him. Codey is a very tenderhearted, sweet, affectionate, loving little boy. He may be 25 but he is a small child mentally. What if their behavior made Codey sad?
It seems I had nothing to worry about. The other day, I found Codey trying to help Maisey on to his chair. There was no growling involved. No yelling whatsoever. Just secret laughs and quiet whisperings of who knows what. Codey was politely helping Maisey up on the arm of his chair and what does she have in her hand? A SCREWDRIVER! How does a 2 year old deaf girl communicate with a 25 year old non-verbal boy? I’m pretty sure I never even considered this happening. Needless to say, I worried for nothing. AGAIN! They are the best of friends and I am one blessed mama. Codey shares his toys with them. Codey shares his food with them. I don’t know how Codey knows that they were hurting souls, but he did. God is good!
-
God is good. Man can be evil.
This is a wonderful blog from a mother at the midnight premiere. People always ask where God is in all of this. God gave us free will. Man can choose what he does. Could God stop it? Yes! But then we wouldn’t have free will. I have tried many times to wrap my head around bad things that happen to people. I have yet to succeed, but the verse does not say all things will be good. The verse says God can take all things and make them good. That is a huge difference. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose Romans 8:28
-
Fun Friday Photo – (Cassie edition.)
One of my favorite Cassie pictures...ever!
My pretty little Boo!
-
The butterfly effect
This song is so appropriate for what I have been feeling lately. I want my life to matter. I don’t want another day to go by without doing what God is calling me to do.
And I believe God is calling me to do more. I have had people tell me that it is only my emotions, that God really isn’t speaking to me. I can tell you for a fact when God speaks, you know it is from Him. It’s not like I’m hearing voices or God has my cell phone number. I’m not delusional. What it is though is a feeling to the very core of your being. It is knowing something with such certainty, such clarity, that even you are amazed by it. It may be accompanied by dreams. I’m never sure if the dreams are my subconscious living out what I am feeling or if I’m really having a dream based on something God is trying to tell me. Either way when you have one of those dreams, you don’t just wake up, shake it off, and go about your business. It is life altering.
Then in the coming weeks you hear sermons, read devotionals, talk to others and their words all line up with those deep feelings. Things you have heard or read before take on a new meaning and you wonder how you missed it the first time. Things like the song above which hits home or the verse below that was in my devotional.
Luke 12:47-48: “And that servant who knew his master’s will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he who did not know, yet committed things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few. For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more.” or….
Os Hillman’s devotional stating this – Satan’s strategy is to keep us distracted with the urgency of the moment versus the importance of eternity. Ask God what your priorities should be today. Make His priorities your priorities.
God commands us to take care of the least of these. He states over and over again to take care of the injured, the hurting, the widow, the orphan. Pastor’s sermon this week was on the Good Samaritan. Which made me stop to think, would I stop and help? Would I give money to help? Or would I just say the words “I’ll pray” and then move on and forget about it? It’s not that I don’t think praying for others is important. It is very important! I stopped to really contemplate this a few years back. After that initial moment was gone and I had said my prayer, did I remember to pray again? Truth was I wasn’t as good as I should have been about it so now I write it in my phone notepad. I open it to remember people that I’ve said I would pray for so I remember to pray every day while it’s needed because I’m busy and more forgetful than I want to be. I want others to know that if I say I’m praying for you then they will truly be in my prayers.
Luke 12:47 says that if we know better and do wrong than the punishment is worse. Somehow I missed that verse or it didn’t stick as well as it should have. I’ve heard verse 48 over and over again. Even Spiderman paraphrases it – ” With great power, comes great responsibility”. But being held more accountable because I knew what I was doing was wrong – was a new idea. There is such a thing as prosperity testing. I know I scoffed at the idea when I had no money. Who would be tested with more money? If you could pay your bills and have some left over, where would the test be in that? I’m mean seriously bring on that test, I’m sure I could pass it with flying colors. Well, at least those were my thoughts.
But remember the widow who gave her two last coins? The Bible talks about how that is worth more than those of us who give a little of what we have. The thought of how much is enough drives me crazy some days. Every time I order pizza for our huge family, I think about how another child could have been sponsored. It’s not that I think that you shouldn’t spend money, take trips, eat out. I just don’t know what is enough to give. I fail miserably at not wasting money. I hate that about myself. I look back at things I thought I really needed – only to be discouraged as I’m taking it to Goodwill. Why did I buy it? Why did I waste the money? So many people are doing without and I am being wasteful. I give to others. I help out when there is a need. I care for orphans and give to World Vision. But deep down in my heart I know I’m not doing all that I could be doing. For that reason Luke 12:47 frightens me. I know better.
I often wonder will there be a list when I get to heaven? I believe things will become known to us. That smile you gave to the person at the store, may have turned their day around and you will hear about it. Those Bibles you donated, you will have believers coming to you thanking you for the word. You will see the people their lives touched after they were saved. The child you sponsored will come forward. BUT the other stuff is more scary. Will I see all those people I drove by – the homeless and the hurting? Will I see the people I hurt when I was distracted and unforgiving? Will there be a list of all those mental attitude sins that I did each and every day? Gluttony – too often. Judgmental – more than I care to admit. Envious – it’s too easy to do that. Angry, lazy, the list goes on. I know Christ died for my sins and they are covered, but the fact that they are keeping me from being who I could be bothers me.
I don’t believe God promises me wonderful vacations and an easy life. I do believe He says eternity is wonderful. The blessings will be more than I can even comprehend. I sometimes forget that it’s not about my life here on earth according to the world’s standards. It’s about fulfilling His purpose for my life here. I know people think to be adopting at 48 is crazy, but there are at least 2 more babies that are waiting for me to mommy them. 2 more babies that I should love and protect for as long as I am allowed. I believe this to my core. I’m hoping for more than that. I know that it sounds crazy, but I am so happy to think about more babies. When I was young I had hoped to have 12 children and then I let fear get in my way. God’s plan is much better though. Now I get the chance to have 12 (I do so hope) and I am old enough, with enough life experience, to truly appreciate what that means. I get to have my dream when I thought that dream was long gone. It makes me cry sometimes that is how blessed I feel.
God is calling Dan and I. It’s not just to adopt either. I’m not sure where it will lead but the stuff that has happened on Dan’s end has been amazing. God is truly an awesome and wonderful God. Watching everything fall into place has been truly amazing. If there is anyone who is busy, it is Dan. He works at Mercy; he is the Director of Clinical & Quality Improvement for a national company; he writes articles, journals, and books; and yet, when the opportunity to volunteer for Love Without Boundaries came about he stepped up. He goes above and beyond and I love that about him. God is calling us. I’m excited and scared senseless at what that might mean. We have so many ideas some of which are coming into play. Helping orphans has been laid heavily on my heart and God will provide the direction. There are so many hurting children. If you could see the pictures that I have seen you would cry and have your heart hurt right along with mine. I can’t share most of them because of confidentiality, but I can share one blog that recently came to my attention. http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/search/label/Ruby%20Grace Read the headings The Miracle of Ruby Grace – Part 1&2 and try not to be moved.
Which leads me to where my thoughts have really been lately. I have heard people say I understand about adopting, but my life is so much simpler now. The kids are all in school. Life is good. I don’t think that I could add that to my plate or afford it or I’m too scared. I understand that. Adoption isn’t for everyone. I get that. But you can mentor, volunteer, donate, sponsor a child, etc. There are a million ways to do what God is calling you to do. I just have a really hard time with the “my kids are growing up and life is easy now” statement, because in reality what you are saying is your are more willing to leave a child in an orphanage rather than make your life harder. A hard statement I know, but I believe it. I’ve said the “I’m too busy to…” “I don’t have any money to spare.” “It won’t make a difference.” But none of those things are true. That is why I’m having difficulty with my own life. What am I saying by not doing more? What am I saying by not giving more? You can have an effect that goes on and on – the butterfly effect is what it is called. Dan likes to say you can have a butterfly effect or a maggot effect. What do you want your life to mean? Spread those wings and shower love on those that you can. You never know who’s life you are touching with something as simple as a smile.
-
Fun Friday Video
-
Fun Friday Photo
-
Archives
Blogroll
Links
- Chinese Children Adoption International
- Hats for Gracie
- Love Without Boundaries
- New Hope Foundation China
- Show Hope
Categories
- Adoption
- Adoption Questions
- Benjamin
- Cassie
- China 2013
- China 2014
- China 2016
- Codey
- Congenital Heart Defect
- Elijah
- Elyse
- Evangeline Faith
- Faith
- Family Life
- Food for Thought Friday
- Grace
- Homeschooling
- Hope
- Jasmine (Shuang Shuang)
- Jasmine's Blog
- Jasmine's Dream
- Jessica
- Kelly
- kidney transplant
- Kyle
- Lainey Rae
- Love Without Boundaries
- Maisey
- Making a difference
- Max
- Muscular Dystrophy
- Orphan Care
- Photos
- Thoughts to ponder
- Uncategorized
- Videos
- William
- Zachary