Maisey Meilyn is 3!

Date: 2013.04.09 | Category: Adoption, Maisey, Photos | Response: 0

I remember being matched with my little girl. I remember Dan and I praying about it and him giving her the nickname “cupcake”.  I remember him saying that he was ready to be matched as soon as possible.  We had just sent in our papers and they said we would probably be matched in 6 months or so.  They called us to present Maisey the very next day.   We had checked on the “Medical Conditions Checklist” that we would consider a deaf child. Cassie had just taken a year of ASL and thought we could do it.  We agreed to accept this little girl as ours.  I remember a few days later, I was standing in Linda’s kitchen, and realized that it was my little girl’s birthday.  I cried.  She was turning one and we were looking at a whole year before we could go get her.  It was so heartbreaking and unimaginable.  So much happens with a child between the ages of one and two, and we were going to miss it all.  My heart just hurt thinking about it.

Then the day was finally here, we were going to travel.  Oh, that moment when they first placed her in my arms.  It was March 12th, 2012.  We got her in time to get to celebrate her 2nd birthday with her.   I was so overwhelmed with emotion when I first saw her face.  She was just so quiet and timid.  She walked around with her head hanging down.  She was hesitant…..

But then we started to get glimpses of who Maisey really was.

She was sweet and compassionate and loving.  When Maisey decided we were her family, she was all in.  There was no hesitation on her part.  She just decided “Hey, I like this being loved thing” and just went with it.  She knows she’s adored.  She knows she’s loved.  She runs and jumps and climbs absolutely everything.  She has no fear.  She lives life with such gusto.  Everything she does is with great excitement.   She wakes up ready to go every day.  She jumps up with a huge smile on her face.  She runs to you and hugs you like you are the best thing she has ever seen in her whole life.  She loves with great enthusiasm.  She loves with reckless abandon.  She comforts you when you are sad.  She is so empathetic.   She is truly so caring.  Plus, she likes to pretend that she is in charge.  🙂

Dan thinks this song says it all.  (Listen from the 28 second point until the 2 minute mark.)  She is bouncy and full of life and she believes without a doubt that “I’m yours!”.

We have been so blessed to be loved by Maisey this year.  We set out to save a little girl without much hope for a future in China.  The future for a deaf child and an orphan in China is very bleak.  We learned after we got home that Maisey weighed 6 pounds at 6 months.  We found out that she was a mini-celebrity.  She was the House of Hope’s 1,000 patient.  She was even listed in the book The House of Hope by Elisabeth Gifford .  Maisey’s name was Chaya in the book.  The Hills saved our little girl.  She is a fighter.  When we got her she had no way to communicate and had a huge bald spot on the back of her head from throwing herself on the floor.  Now she is signing and has her BAHA (bone conducting hearing aid) and her speech has just taken off.  She sings and dances.  She loves tumbling and her tumbling teacher (Cassie).  She loves to slide and run and swing.  She loves books.  She loves babies.  She just loves life.  What a beautiful addition to our family she has been.  One of the best things about Maisey is her love and compassion for Codey, a totally unexpected, beautiful gift.   We all feel blessed to have Maisey run to us, yelling our name,  jumping up, and hugging us as tight as she can. Maisey makes everyone feel loved.

Happy birthday sweet Maisey!  Looking forward to what the next year has in store for you as you learn and grow.  I can’t wait for you to meet your new siblings and for you to spread your love and sunshine all over them too.  🙂  Mommy loves you so much sweet girl!  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you, my sweet, little cupcake!

The Reason Why

Date: 2013.04.05 | Category: Adoption, Cassie, Thoughts to ponder, Videos | Response: 0

Disclaimer:  Everything I am writing about in regard to orphanages and what children go through – I have read about in another mother’s blog or in a book or had personal experience from.  Granted people could exaggerate or make things up altogether but these blogs have many, many followers.  You would think someone would call their bluff if they were out and out lying.  The truth of the matter is, there are just so many people saying exactly the same thing over and over and over again.   I tend to believe most of it.  Plus, I’ve seen the effects of an orphanage on a child firsthand.  It’s not pretty! It will tear your heart out and change every perspective you’ve ever had about what is and isn’t important.

Have you ever wondered why so many people are moved to adopt over and over again?  Why they come home, talk about it, and pray that others will hear their message?  Did you ever think  “Why in the world would someone do what they are doing, spend the time and money that they do, just to bring a child home?”  The truth is it is estimated that the average adoption will cost $28,000 and take close to three years* (Ours took a year.).   (*Please watch the video below!)  Why would anyone do that?  Why would anyone sign up to do that and especially why would they do that more than once?

(If you want to know more, STUCK will be playing in Des Moines on April 22nd at 7 p.m.)

I’ve watched Cassie come home upset because people question why in the world would her parents adopt four children at a time.   I’ve listened to her explain what her answers were and why she said what she said.  Last night I told her, the truth is, she has three options.

One, she can not answer at all.  Just let it drop, because she will never be able to truly make someone understand why we are doing this if they don’t understand what an orphanage is like. If they’ve never read the stories about “dying rooms” or children that are 14 that weigh 24 pounds.  If they haven’t heard that children freeze to death, or are chained to the walls, or are sent to mental institutions when they hit the age of 6.   It’s beyond their comprehension if they don’t know that a disability will label you as cursed for life.  In many places your last name means orphan and you will not be allowed an education, you barely have enough food to survive, you don’t have even the barest of necessities.  They will never understand if their only idea of an orphanage is from watching the movie Annie.

When we got Ben (3 1/2) and Maisey (2), they wouldn’t play with any of the toys we brought them.  Why?  Because their first thought was for food.  They didn’t care about a book, or a blanket, or a toy that made noise.  Their cherished possession was a spoon. Who cares about toys when you are starving?   Ben walked funny because he was confined to a play pen or a high chair through most of the day.    They were afraid of a bath.  We later learned it’s because some orphanages give one bath a week or they hose them down with cold water.  There are no bubble baths and cute terry cloth robes.  Ben needs major dental work because six of his teeth are in such terrible decay.  There can be 40 kids sharing two toothbrushes.  Ben and Maisey couldn’t even hold a spoon and feed themselves.  Why?  Because when they are fed they are all fed out of the same bowl with the same spoon because the nanny doesn’t have time to give each child their own bowl and clean up after them.   It’s an assembly line.  There is no good night kiss and being tucked in to a nice cozy bed.  Many times the mattress is a piece of plywood with a blanket because it cuts down on the lice problem.

Two, she can try to explain all about our family and all the people we have just waiting to love these four new children.  She can explain that our family has chosen this to be their mission and children are where our passion lies. She can explain her dad’s job, his expertise in caring for sick babies, his love for children, and how he’s home during the week.  She can explain how much I love children and how my dream as a little girl was to have 12.  But if they don’t understand that children need rescued and it’s not about having “quality time” or “more one on one time”, they still won’t understand.

Oh, but if they could see what we, as a family, have seen this past year.  If they could see how a child blossoms and grows with the love of a family.  If they could see what we’ve seen, the physical, emotional and spiritual growth.  It’s about giving them love, food, an education, some more love, and hope for a future that doesn’t include sex trafficking or living on the street.  It’s about saving a life. If they could see what we have seen, they’d more than understand.

Three, she can tell them to jump in a lake. (Probably not the nicest or the best option!)  The reality is it’s none of their business.  They have no right to judge.  They have no right to question whether it is or is not the right thing.  They don’t know anything about our family or where our hearts lie.   We’ve been through home studies.  You read that right – studie”S“.  When you adopt from China, you have initial home studies, and a follow-up home study when you come home, one at 6 months, one at a year, one at two years, and the last one at five years.  There are safe guards in place.  Plus, I’ve pretty much made our lives public by putting it all out there in picture and blog.  I’m not trying to hide anything.  I’m trying to prove you can do more than you think you can.  You can love more than you think possible.  You can show the love of God through taking a child in.  You can change their lives and their eternity.   All of this is a pretty amazing, mind-blowing, heart changing, life altering, thing.

Maybe that is all she needs to say “God brought us to these four children and our family feels overwhelming blessed to be able to bring them home!”  Because that is the truth!  We are blessed.  We may be tired.  The house may never be perfectly clean.  Our mid-life crisis car may now be a 15 passenger van.  But the overall running theme in our home is love and that God has blessed us in immeasurable ways.  What a gift to us.  What a gift to them.

Adoption Updates, Explanations, and Observations

Date: 2013.04.03 | Category: Adoption, Elijah, Photos, Thoughts to ponder | Response: 0

Look at those sweet, sweet faces.   (Top left) Evie (then clockwise) Lainey, Min and Eli.  I can’t wait to hold them and take them home.  We are all just so excited.  Gracie sits and tells stories about what she is going to do with everyone all day long.  She debates who she is going to hug first and who will sit beside her in the car.  Who will like to swim and who will like to read.  Ben lies in bed at night and talks about how much fun this is going to be.  He tells me who will lie where and how he will hold their hands.  I have a special song that I make up for each of my children when they are born.  It is only their song and I sing it every night before they go to bed.  It made perfect sense when there was a couple – now it goes on and on forever.  Ben has been making me practice songs for each new child, so far he has not approved of any of my song choices.  I’m running out of time.  I’d better get working on it.   I love that they are excited about adding to our family.  It’s a wonderful thing for this mama’s heart.

ADOPTION UPDATE:

We are getting so close to the time to travel.  The closer it gets the harder it is to wait.  Yesterday we received Eli’s LOA (Letter of Acceptance) that we need to sign saying we officially want to adopt him.  The next step is our immigration letter and then we will get our travel approval.  We are one step closer in this adoption journey.  We have been informed that we should travel the last week of April or the first week of May – if all goes as planned.  Yay!

EXPLANATIONS:

It’s crazy all the steps and acronyms involved with adopting.  You have your LID (Log in date for your dossier, all the paperwork saying you are fit to adopt.  Financial statements, police records, doctors letters about your health, etc.).  Then you send in a LOI (Letter of Intent) stating who the child is, why you want to adopt them and how you can provide for them.  Then you get your PA (Preapproval letter), which just means that they approve of you adopting this child and the child’s file is locked in for you.  Then you get your LOA (Letter of Acceptance) which states that you agree to accept this child.  Then you get your I-800 which allows you to bring them into the country.  And finally…you get your TA (Travel Approval).   There’s more paperwork in the middle of all of this and afterward when you get to China, but you get the picture.  Paperwork, waiting, fees paid, paperwork, waiting, a few more fees, more paperwork, more waiting but then that day gets here and you can barely stand it.  Which is why the day you receive them at the Registration Office (or other meeting place) is such a highly emotional time.  All that waiting is finally over.

OBSERVATIONS:

Everyone pretty much thinks we are crazy.  Not that people don’t celebrate what we are doing or think it’s a good thing…..for us, but it’s not for them.  I hear that over and over again.  “Congratulations!  I’m glad it’s you and not me, but congratulations!”

You only have to look closely at Ben and listen to his out of breath little body after he runs for only a moment, to understand that life is not guaranteed.  Hope, who is almost 14, looked all grown up in her pretty yellow Easter dress, but the truth is evident in that long jagged scar that runs down her chest that she’s been through a lot.  When you look at them it’s easy to just see the special needs – Maisey’s difficulty with hearing, Codey’s limitations both physical and mental, Ben’s blueness is hard to miss, Hope’s scar lies there for all to see and Gracie’s illness has left it’s mark.  But maybe that isn’t what we should be looking at.  Instead when you look at them, maybe the first thing you should see is the miracle of their lives.  The miracle of love.  The miracle of God’s hands working in all their lives.  The beauty of all that they are, not what they aren’t.

I was born into a country that believes we should strive for the nice car, the perfect body, the nice house, the great job, the vacations, the pension, the retirement.  Well, I can tell you I have most of those material things.  I’ve spent a lot of my life thinking that after all the struggles, the not having money, the doing without, that someday Dan would have a well-paying job, and then that is when life would really begin.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy along the way.  I have always been grateful and felt blessed, but when there was more money, well, then the really good times would begin.  I’d have a nice house.  I’d drive a nice car.  I’d be able to buy clothes that I wanted.  I’d be able to do what I wanted.   Well, guess what?  I have those things and so what?  Who cares?  I wish I’d never bought the big house.  I wish I’d never wasted money on stupid gadgets.  I wish I could have a do over.  I wonder why did it take so long for my eyes to open?  Why? Why? Why?  I’m like a  two year old throwing a tantrum now but it’s at myself.  I could have funded a surgery.  I could have funded adoptions.  I could have helped a child find a family.  I could have fed more people.  I could have dug more wells.  I could have…. I could have… I could have!

So why you spend time thinking I’ve lost my mind.  Admit it! You’ve thought it.  You think four at once?  What are they thinking?  Well, here is what I am thinking. My time for adopting is running out.  God has brought me to these four children and even though I am afraid, I will do what He asks of me.  I know that these are my children.  I may not be a lot of things, but I am really good at loving children.  I can bring these children here and they will know love.  I know that without a doubt.  They may never go to college.  They may die well before it should be anyone’s time but they will know love.  They will know laughter and love and happiness.  They will understand God’s love for them because they will have a father who shows them unconditional love.  They will know that they were not a mistake.  They will know love in abundance.  They will have their hand held.   They will have a lap to sit on.  They will have a daddy to read them bed time stories and a mommy that sings them their special songs when she tucks them in.  They will know if they wake up afraid that we will be there to comfort them.  These are the things that we take for granted.  These are the things that millions of children will never, ever know.  Simple, simple things that every child should know.  How dare we as Christ’s hands and feet deny that to anyone?

I talk about these things over and over again because I want you to wake up to the need.  I want you to get it way before I finally did.  Don’t let time pass you by.  Don’t wait for later to help.  Do something today.  Spread the wealth.  Become God’s hands and feet.  Do something that really, truly matters.  Feed a child, help a family out, open your mind to the possibility of adopting.  Who knows where God will lead you.

Do you know how Dan and I know that this is right?  We know it to our very core because we have such peace about it.  We aren’t freaking out wondering how it will work.  We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God brought us to these children and He will provide for all of our needs.  God has this covered.  What a wonderful thing to get to be a part of.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes feel overwhelmed by all that lies ahead or that we’re not afraid, but I’m telling you that there is peace about this whole adoption that is truly amazing.  Even though we know that we have every right to be stressed, we have watched God provide over and over again this past year so it is easy to trust in His plan.  I’ve gotten to be part of some amazing, miraculous things this year. What  a beautiful gift that I am so undeserving of.  Blessed, simply blessed is the way that I feel.

Good Friday

Date: 2013.03.29 | Category: Faith | Response: 0

Today is Good Friday!   The day Christ hung on a cross and died to pay for our sins.  He suffered so we could live.  What a beautiful act of sacrificial love.  I hear many people talk about how to get to heaven.  We complicate a beautiful, simple, grace-filled thing.  We all sin and, therefore, can not enter by our own merits.

Romans 5:8  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

So what can we do to be saved?  How much good do we have to do to get to spend eternity with God in heaven?  How much is enough?  There is nothing we can do except believe that Jesus died on the cross for us.  God’s grace saves us.  God’s grace and our belief in Christ is all that it takes.

Ephesians 2:8  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

Acts 16:31  They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.”

John 3:16  For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

What a beautiful, simple gift for us – not so simple for Christ.   Jesus suffered and died for us.  He paid the price for our sins so that we could one day live with Him.  He was buried and rose again on the third day according to scripture.

1 Corinthians 15:3-4  For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures

Thank you, Lord, for the ultimate gift.  The gift of eternal life through belief in you.  I am humbled and amazed that You would allow me to be called a child of Yours.

John 1:12  Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God

Happy Easter everyone!

How to Forgive (when you have every right to hate)

Date: 2013.03.28 | Category: Thoughts to ponder | Response: 0

(WARNING:  This blog is not about adoption, or fun with kids, or my love for my family.   If you are looking for a fun-filled blog post, you might just want to skip this one.   If however, you are looking for a blog about God’s infinite grace and forgiveness, this is the blog for you.  The first couple paragraphs talk about what happened to me in my childhood, but the rest talks about how I found peace.)

If you just want to read this to see what horrible thing happened and see what sins I have committed, please just skip this now.  Judging is a sin and I’d hate to cause you to sin more.  If you truly want to know how I went through the worst time of my life and found a way to forgive, then please read the whole blog.  I know it is long.  I know it could be broken down into a couple of blogs, but the fact that I would rather throw up than drag this out any longer makes that impossible.  It’s sort of like pulling off the band-aid quickly.

I have debated writing about the worst time of my life for quite some time.  I have had dreams where I wake up with the words “finish it” replaying over and over in my head. It is so ironic that I can be obedient in following God’s lead when He asks me to go get a very ill child in China, but ask me to say this to the world and I drag my feet.  I have been dragging my feet for quite a while now.  A couple of weeks ago, I read this post from Women of Faith and it got me to thinking about how many hurting people there are out there.

The last couple of nights I have been awakened by the same dream.  The dream that tells me to finish this.  It makes me so angry.  I don’t want to finish it.  I don’t want to think about it.  I don’t want to put these words on paper for the world to see.   I’ve put it all behind me, but for some reason I feel as if to be completely done I need to finish this.  So here it is….

I’ve talked about this subject with a few people.  I’ve tried to share it when I felt it might help someone else, but it will never be a thing that I can just state and not have it grip my heart and make me sick to my stomach.  I still have moments when I’d like to pretend it never happened.  The truth is I have tried my hardest to forget those moments in my life and for the most part God has graciously granted my request.  But the fact that it still has even a tiny hold on me, ticks me off, to say the least.  So I have chosen in this, my 48th year of life, to just put those words out there – to release the hold that these words have had on me.  Because the reality is people will judge you, people will think what they want, and in the end I can only do what I feel is right because everything in my life is between God and I, only He knows my true intentions.  So I share these words, and if by doing so, I help even one person, it will be worth what it took to write this (Or at least that is what I am telling myself right now as the tears fall down my face.).

It took me years to admit what happened.  I felt dirty, like it was somehow my fault.  If I hear those words with anyone else, I don’t blame the victim.  So how is that even possible that I would feel like I should be to blame?  I was a child of 11.  It wasn’t until my daughter hit the age of 11, that I truly grasped what it meant to be a child of 11.  I may have looked like a grown-up, but I was a child, an easily manipulated, trusting, looking-for-love child.  A child robbed of my youth and my innocence.   To put it in words, is still, after 37 years, a horrible thing, it still brings me a smidge of shame, even though I know I’m not to blame.   Molestation is an ugly, ugly, UGLY word.  There are times when these things are done by strangers.  There are times when these are random acts of violence.  In my case, it was a trusted friend, a 29-year-old who had the trust of my family.  That plays with a little kid’s mind in ways that are hard to even imagine.  Add to that, threats of violence against your family; and great, grandiose gestures of love from a sick adult; and an 11 year old becomes one very confused, hurting child.

I’ve not had counseling because it was felt that it would be better if everyone just put it behind us.  If you don’t talk about it, it’s like it never happened – that too plays with a child’s mind.  It wasn’t until 3 years after the horrible summer, when he came back and started dating my mother secretly, that everything came to light.  I hid most things for 3 years.  3 years of shame.   3 years of pain and anguish.  3 years of hoping that someone could see how much I was hurting.  But 3 years had changed a lot, at 14 I was much braver, much smarter, and ready to fight.  But I didn’t fight, instead….I ran away.  I didn’t run far, just to my dad’s house about 15 miles away.  My mom and dad had divorced when I was 10 and my dad lived with my stepmom in another town.  This act of finally admitting what happened started World War 3 between my parents.  Everything I had feared had started.  People were angry and it felt like they were angry at me.

I write about this not to talk about “him” so much, but to talk about what it took for me to heal.  First and foremost, it took lots of love from Dan, lots of forgiveness from myself, and finally accepting God’s grace.  I made Dan prove his love over and over again in the early years of our marriage.  I had trouble feeling like I deserved love, especially such over-whelming wonderful love, from him.  One day, Dan finally looked at me and said, “You can continually make me prove my love or you can trust me to love you like I said I would.  You can spend each and every day in pain assuming that I will leave you or you can be happy each and every day with me.  Then, if I ever am stupid enough to leave you, the best thing that ever happened to me , you can be angry with me at that time, but don’t waste our lives by assuming it will one day happen.”  He’s a very smart man.  He was right.  I needed to learn how to trust, forgive, and let go.

It’s hard when the father figures or male figures in your life are distant.  I didn’t really have a male figure that said “I love you” or showed love.  My brothers liked to tease me about being ugly and fat as brothers do.  My dad was gone at the age of 10 and very distant at the beginning.  My dad is a much different man now and is always there for my kids and me.  My grandfathers were standoffish and seemed somewhat cold and distant.  Men who were born 90 years ago, well, that was a different time.  They weren’t bad men, they just weren’t the overly affectionate type of guys.  I understood a God of discipline and punishment because I had heard that over and over again, but I had a hard time with the concept of God being a loving father.  Dan taught me about God’s grace.   How I grew up in church all those years and never, ever, understood God’s grace is beyond me.  Dan taught me about God’s forgiveness for our sins.  Dan taught me about turning it all over to God.  All those things led to my healing.  When I truly accepted God’s forgiveness, I was able to forgive myself.

Another thing that Dan taught me was God is good and perfect, but man is evil.  It’s hard when you believe that God is in control of everything and something bad happens to you.  People blame God when bad things happen.  You are left to question why God would allow something to happen to you.  The truth of the matter is God gave man free will.  Man is evil not God.  Could God stop it? Yes.  But if God intervened in everything we would live in a perfect world and we would all be robots.  God gave us free will.  Bad things happen because of man not because of God.

The second thing that helped me heal was realizing that this man was supposedly a believer.  It was a smack up along side my head when I realized that Christ paid for his sins just like Christ paid for mine.  We like to believe that there are really, really bad sins and then the nice little sins that we do that don’t really amount to anything.   Ha!  Sin is sin.  Yes, some of them are overwhelmingly evil, but sin, in the end, is still sin.   Gluttony, sloth, pride, envy, lust, anger, and greed are called the 7 deadly sins for a reason.  We don’t get to pretend that we are somehow better than others.  In the end, the only thing that saves us is God’s grace.

At the Women of Faith Conference I was at, an artist drew it as a chasm.  God is on one side and you are on the other.

We think our goodness takes us part way to God and God brings us the rest of the way.  The truth is there is nothing we can do to reach God.  We are all sinners.  Romans 3:23  for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…    We can not do good things to make up for our sin.  Ephesians 2:8  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God…    We can only confess our sin and move on.    1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.   If we continually feel guilty about the same sin, it is as if we are saying “I don’t believe what you have said, God.”.    It became an either I believed His word or I didn’t.  If I trust that Christ died on the cross for my sins, how could I not trust Him for His forgiveness?  1 Peter 2:24  He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree…   I don’t understand why it happened to me, but I could believe that God could use it for good.  Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The third thing that helped me heal, was allowing God to punish him.  I could be bitter and angry, but that wasn’t doing anything to him.  He didn’t know the pain I was in.  To be honest, my only regret is that he may have done it to others.  It was three years before everything came out.  I wish I would have been strong enough to prosecute him.  The truth of the matter is 37 years ago it wasn’t like it is now.  It was your word against his and people just didn’t do that.  Things were swept under the rug and no one was encouraging me to do anything but forget.   Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

And the final thing that helped me heal was a big one, I started to pray for “him”.  Yes, him.  Matthew 5:44  But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.   You can’t hate when you are praying for someone.  At the beginning, my prayers were still hate-filled, but it is amazing what happens to your heart as you pray for someone who has hurt you.  Now when something reminds me of that horrible time, because there are triggers that still pop up from time to time, I pray.  The first thing I do is pray.  I pray that he hasn’t hurt anyone else.  I pray that he has found healing.  I pray that God has opened his eyes to what he has done.  I pray that and many, many more things but my prayers always bring me peace.  My prayers for him led to forgiveness, of both him and I, and it led to the end of my bitterness so that I could live a happier live.

I recently read a book called “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers.  This is a quote from the end of her book.  “There are many who struggle to survive in life, many who have been used and abused in the name of love, many who have been sacrificed on the altars of pleasure and “freedom”.  But the freedom the world offers is, in reality, false.  Too many have awakened one day to discover they are in bondage, and they have no idea how to escape.  It is for people such as these that I wrote Redeeming Love – people who fight, as I did, to be their own gods, only to find in the end that they are lost, desperate, and terribly alone.  I want to bring the truth to those trapped in lies and darkness, to tell them that God is there, He is real, and He loves them – no matter what.”

Part of the guilt I felt was for the few years when I acted out.  I did things and said things that I am not proud of.  I have forgiven myself for those things, but the truth is we can never know all the people who we hurt along the way.  I have prayed that God would let those people find peace, as I have.  I write these things not to get sympathy.  I write them to let you know there is a way to climb out of the darkness and the self-induced misery that we are in.  Bad things happen, but God can heal.  Let Him heal you.  Feel His grace and forgiveness and start living your life for Him.  It is a life of purpose and meaning and it is just waiting for you to let go of the trappings of this world and become who He made you to be.

John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

My prayer for you is that you can forgive.  Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.  I pray that you can find your meaning and your purpose.  Allow God to truly lead you and the blessings and peace that will overcome your heart will be amazing.  Bitterness and anger only hurt you and those around you.  You aren’t punishing the person who hurt you.  In the end, you are punishing yourself.  Accept that your sins are forgiven and forgive yourself first and foremost.  May God grant you peace that goes beyond understanding.  You are worthy of His love because He is love.  We are saved by His grace.  There is nothing we can do to look better in His eyes so let it go and allow God’s love to hold you close.  You are forgiven.  You are loved.  You are precious in His sight.  Right now.  Right at this moment.  You don’t have to fix your life to come to God.  You don’t have to be better.  You just have to trust in His forgiveness and move on, following His lead.  What are you waiting for?  Today is a beautiful day to learn to love yourself and allow God’s love to surround you.  I will continue to pray for you and your peace and for forgiveness to become part of your language.  I will pray for your strength to move on and to forgive.  May God’s love surround you today and every day.

Obedience, Sainthood and Eternity

Date: 2013.03.27 | Category: Adoption, Thoughts to ponder, Videos | Response: 0

My devotional this week said, “Surrendered people obey God’s Word, even when it doesn’t make sense.”. “Give yourselves to God … surrender your whole being to him to be used for righteous purposes.” (Romans 6:13b TEV)

Obedience means obeying even when you are afraid.

Obedience means following God’s lead even when you can’t see the path in front of you.

Obedience means not debating, questioning, reasoning with, or making excuses for why you can’t do something.

It takes a lot of faith to proceed even when it doesn’t make sense.  It took me years to get to this point.   Years to truly listen to the word of God, but when you see God’s miracles in your life over and over again.  When you see how perfect His plan is, you start to let go of what you thought was right for your life and trust in His plan for your life.

There is nothing amazing about us and being able to do what we are doing.  It has become somewhat of a joke to us because the number one thing that people say to us is “You are saints.”  First off, I will say if you are a Christian, you too are a saint.  In the Bible, believers were referred to as saints on many different occasions.   So in reality, I am a saint, but not for the reasons you would say.  I am a saint because Christ died for my sins and by believing in Him I become a member of God’s adopted family – a person holy for that reason only.  I am a person who fails and sins and is so much less than on most days.

Our proceeding with these adoptions is because of obedience only.  It is because we have seen the hand of God on so many different occasions that we choose to listen and proceed when He lays something on our hearts.  I have often said, “But I can’t.  Lord, this doesn’t make sense.  How in the world are we going to do that?”   But God’s calling is right there. Your heart is heavy with what you know to be the truth.  You just know it’s the right thing to do even if it doesn’t make sense.  Then things start to line up, things that others said could never happen – happen, and God says once again, “Listen my child.  I will provide a way.  I will bring you through whatever I bring you to. This is my plan. Trust in me.”

People say things to us like, “What about your retirement?  Don’t you want to travel? Won’t you be tired?  How in the world are you going to do this? You’ll never be able to….”  Believe me I get it.  I have said some of those things to myself.  Five kids under four at my age seems a little daunting at times.  But then I think about their lives.  Am I willing to trade a trip to Hawaii for giving Min or Lainey or Evie or Eli a home?  Am I willing to let Ben or Evie or Eli die, alone, in a cold orphanage?  Am I willing to not listen to the calling of God?  Am I willing to say to Min “Child, a life on the street is okay for you? Prostitution?  Early death?  No love of a family? Well, that’s okay cause I’m going to Hawaii.”  I am NOT willing to make those trades.  I am willing to trade my sleep for bringing them the love of family.  I am willing to trade new clothes, a fancy car, and any imaginable vacation out there to let them know God’s love and what being adopted into God’s family means.

I have been sitting on this post for a while now.  No one wants to listen to me preach again about adoption or at least that was what I was thinking but then I saw this video posted on Facebook and I understood.  I needed a better illustration of what I was trying to say.  I spent my life, in the 40 plus years before we even saw an orphanage, living for this one small moment in my life….retirement.  The magical illusion of when everything will be great.  Your children are grown.  It’s just you and your husband traveling the world.  Living happily ever after, but if you believe Christ died for you, then your life on earth is but a small portion of eternity.

We did not proceed with our adoptions because of some great reward.  If we weren’t doing it for love, then it would be worthless.  We would be doing it for all the wrong reasons and then it would be like straw or stubble to God.  God knows what is in your heart.  God knows what you are giving and why.  You can’t earn God’s love.  You can’t buy your way into heaven.

James 4:17  So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

But there are so many verses telling you to care for the orphan and the widow, the poor and the needy, to take care of those that need your help.  If you can help, and you choose not to then it is not just wrong, it is sin.   It goes against everything the Bible is commanding.  EVERYTHING!  Don’t fool yourself into thinking what the world is saying is the right way.  You will not be happy because you took a trip.  You will not be happy because you saved all this money so you could retire and golf or knit or sew or see the world.  That is not what your life should be about. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong to travel or golf, but your life should include following God’s lead and opening your eyes to the hurt in the world.  Too many children are slaves.  Too many children are being sold in the sex trafficking market.  Too many children are dying alone in a cold, lonely orphanage. Too many children spend their lives never knowing the love of a family.  Too many children are going to bed hungry or drinking dirty water.  Don’t kid yourself that it’s ok and someone else will save them.  These kids are waiting for you to show them the love of God.  Ask God and He will show you a need.  Ask God to use you for His plan.  Ask God to make your life count.  Don’t just exist.  Don’t just follow the world’s lead.  Stand out!  Do something!  Be the hands and feet of Christ.  It is possible – one need at a time, one person at a time, one life at a time.

Gracie is 8

Date: 2013.03.23 | Category: Grace | Response: 0

Sometimes life takes you by surprise.  Sometimes life can be going along very smoothly and then something comes along, unexpected, and it drops you to your knees.  November of 2011 was one of those times.  The week before Thanksgiving, we took Gracie to the doctor.  She had a fever again.  She had had a fever on and off for about six weeks and she just couldn’t shake it.  They nurse practitioner came into the room and said that her results were concerning and asked if I’d speak with the doctor.  Dan and I had been thinking strep or mono and they said, “We need to refer her to an oncologist.”  The doctor asked me to step out into the hall.   He questioned me a couple times about whether I understood what he was saying.  I assured him that I absolutely understood what he was saying.  I promised myself I would not cry in front of Gracie until I had a confirmed diagnosis.  I asked the doctor if he knew our family history?  He said “No”.  I explained a little bit about our children’s health issues and assured him that I absolutely understood without a shadow of a doubt what he was saying.  I then headed home to pick up Dan.

The oncology clinic got us right in and scheduled her for a bone marrow biopsy.  They wanted us to get the results before Thanksgiving.  I was so thankful for that.  It is so hard to wait and wonder even when you know it is in God’s hands.  The results showed it was not leukemia, but that left us with more tests to figure out what she did have.  Dan was scheduled to speak in California and he left on his trip.  He was so worried about leaving her but I reminded him that there was nothing we could do until the results came back in.  I remember waking up and seeing Gracie’s little face covered in a rash.  I called him, because he had more or less just landed, and he asked for me to send a picture.  I sent a picture and he said, “I’m heading home right now.  I know what she has.  It’s lupus.”   Lupus?  Kids don’t get lupus.  I remember wondering how is that even possible?

I will admit to being a little miffed when we got her diagnosis.  God and I had a talk.  I will admit it was a short talk.  I have been through enough in my life to know that beautiful, wonderful things come out of horrible circumstances.   My issue wasn’t that I had a sick child.  At the time I had two children with health issues and we were set to leave in months to get our two new adopted children with health issues.  My issue was one of my healthy children got sick. I had purposely signed up to adopt and take in children with health issues.  I didn’t understand why it had to happen to Gracie too.

Gracie’s kidneys were severely affected.  Dan pushed for them to run some extra tests and all of a sudden our scheduled appointment for three months away in February was moved up for a kidney biopsy the very next Monday, considering this was Saturday night, we knew it was serious.  Thank God for Dan and his training.  She was almost in kidney failure.  They told us it was only a matter of days until the damage would have been irreversible.   Gracie was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus with Class 4/5 Glomerulonephritis.  She would need months of chemo and would have to be on many medications and oral chemo for many years.

It took 16 months but she is finally in remission.  A life with lupus is doable but until you know someone who has suffered from it it is hard to understand the issues that come with the diagnosis.  Gracie has to be completely covered in the sun or it can cause a relapse.  Considering we have a pool and she is the most warm blooded child around, this is an issue.  No more playing outside in the summer sun for hours on end.  She wakes up every morning and takes her plateful of meds.  She takes more meds before heading to bed.  Lupus means your body attacks its own organs and cells.  Out of the 11 markers for lupus, Gracie had 9.  She luckily didn’t have seizures.   Gracie’s mouth was covered in sores.  Grace’s neck was a mass of lymph nodes gone crazy.  Her face was covered by the butterfly rash.   Ironic, since she’s always been her daddy’s butterfly.  On top of everything else, she had joint pain.   It was a lot for a 6 year old to take, but she did it with grace beyond her years.

That is the thing about Gracie.  She has always been compassionate and empathetic.  She has always had a faith beyond her years.  She has always talked about God like He was her very best friend.  She has always been the child to give away her toys even to complete strangers.  She has always been the girl who would play with the children younger than her and take whoever was at the playground under her wing. When she found out the chemo might make her lose her hair, she chose to donate it before it fell out.  Dan and I always knew God had special plans for her.   We just hadn’t planned on this.

Now I watch my Gracie as she spreads her compassion on others.  I know there are people who won’t believe that she is the one who thought about helping with the Love Without Boundaries’ Lenten Campaign, but it was all her. (You can read more about it on her site  Hats for Gracie).  She loves to pull up LWB’s site and pray for the babies that she sees.  She is always thinking of others.  I’m pretty sure if she had her way we would adopt about 20 kids.  Gracie truly is the most amazing kid.  Tomorrow she is going to speak at a local church to raise awareness for the Lenten Campaign and for LWB, Show Hope and orphans in general.  Just think back to when you were eight.  Would that have been something you were thinking about?  I know it wasn’t what I was thinking about at the age of eight.  I am so blessed to have had another year with my beautiful butterfly.  Happy, happy birthday Gracie!  Mama loves you more than words can say!

God is so good!

Date: 2013.03.22 | Category: Adoption, Elijah, Evangeline Faith, Lainey Rae | Response: 0

Praise the Lord!  Yesterday we were told that China has agreed to us adopting four.   We will leave in 4-8 weeks, hopefully, to get our precious children, Elijah (1), Evie (2 on Monday), Lainey (2), and Min (13).  We are all overwhelmed, ecstatic, and feeling extremely blessed.

You have trusted Him in a few things, and He has not failed you. Trust Him now for everything, and see if He does not do for you exceeding abundantly above all that you could ever have asked or thought, not according to your power or capacity, but according to His own mighty power, that will work in you all the good pleasure of His most blessed will. You find no difficulty in trusting the Lord with the management of the universe and all the outward creation, and can your case be any more complex or difficult than these, that you need to be anxious or troubled about His management of it?    – Hannah Whitall Smith

DISCLAIMER:  I am hoping everyone understands that we have very unique home circumstances.  We have two adult children living in an apartment on our property ready to help whenever we need it.  My mother-in-law (Linda) and my mom (Marlys) are both retired and willing to help whenever we need it.  My husband, Dan, is a physician specializing in the care of critically ill infants.  Dan works at home during the week doing clinical and quality Improvement for a national company.  He works a 25 hour shift every weekend while the kids are here to help.  There is absolutely no way that we could proceed with this new adventure without all the help and medical training that we have.  This is not going to be a precedent for China and they have graciously agreed to allow Elijah to be adopted on this trip to expedite his care.

That being said, when Judy called yesterday, tears were flowing.  Well, everyone except Ben, who sat there with his “I told you” look on his face.  This has been such an amazing, faith-filled, miracle producing year.  Maisey and Ben have adjusted remarkably well.  Delays with Eli lead to us proceeding and trying to adopt Min.  I remember sitting in the bathroom and crying when I saw her face.  I questioned God on why He would lay such a thing on my heart when China most certainly wouldn’t allow three at once.  Friends of ours had just learned of a family that was proceeding with adopting three and we got in touch with them.  Their words of wisdom gave us faith to proceed and ask China to allow us to adopt three.  When China allowed three, we were blown away and so thankful.  At that time, we figured we would proceed with returning as quickly as we could to get Eli.  I have known since I first saw his little face that he was my son.  I have never, ever doubted that God had planned for Eli to be with us.  Ben’s absolute certainty that Eli was his brother brought peace to our hearts.   It was so unexplainable how Ben felt about Eli that we have always felt it had to be a God thing.

When we did our home study we asked our social worker to change it from three to four children, knowing full well that China only allowed two at a time.  Both Dan and I felt that God was saying four.  The home study said four and our provisional I-800 said “allowed to bring four children into the United States”.  We proceeded through our year knowing we were going to get Evie the whole time.  We were waiting on Eli’s papers and it was taking a while so we proceeded with Lainey and Min.  Trusting that God’s plan was perfect.  When Eli’s papers became available, we asked if we could petition China for four.  Everyone said that the chances of it happening were very small.  It had never been done.  It doesn’t seem like such a big deal to us here in the United States but China’s one child policy has led to people believing that you give all your attention to one child and that is the best possible thing for children.  We have had miracle after miracle happen this year so we asked if it would hurt to ask and our agency said no.  The agency had us prepare our Letter of Intent as detailed as possible, they sent it off, and we prayed.  We prayed and so many of our wonderful friends and family prayed.

We have been overwhelmed with all that the Lord has provided for us during this adoption journey.  We have proceeded with faith that God’s plan and His timing were perfect and we were just along for the ride.  He has shown us some very clear signs and had burdened our hearts with adopting these four children.  We have no clue what the future will hold and I’m sure our lives will change in ways that I can’t even imagine.  When I watch Grace, Hope, Ben and Maisey laughing and consider that I will soon have even more laughter in my house, I am overwhelmed with emotion.  Yes, I know there will be many trying times and sleepless nights ahead.  We have many doctor’s appointments and surgeries in our future.  But the fact that I have been blessed with being able to provide a home and love for these four children absolutely brings me to knees.  I am so blessed and so thankful that God would bless us in such a way.  To God all the glory is given!  Praises upon praises!

More Good News

Date: 2013.03.16 | Category: Elijah | Response: 0

All this year, we have been watching  things progress and seeing God’s hand in every single thing along the way.  If Elijah’s papers would have gone through right away, we would have been unable to try to adopt Min or at least assumed we couldn’t get her.  Instead things have led us to where we are – trying and praying for a miracle, to get four children at the same time.  All along the way, God has provided for us.  When I would get another statement and wonder how we were going to pay for it, the money would come – another speaking engagement for Dan, a refund that we weren’t expecting, etc.  I have been completely and utterly amazed this whole year.  I feel so undeserving and yet God has provided over and over again.

Well, today was another one of those miracle times.  Just for a recap, we will hear, hopefully next week, on whether we get to get Eli on this trip too.   If it is approved, it will add another orphanage fee which is over $5,000, not a small bit of change. I have to admit to worrying and then confessing my worry over and over again.  I know God provides and in ways I can’t even imagine, but the very human part of me wants to be in control.  I want it all nicely detailed on an Excel spreadsheet so I know exactly what I’m going to have to pay, when it will be due and where the money is magically going to appear from.  Adding Eli to this trip, will add more travel costs because we will take Dan’s mom with us and we will need a second hotel room throughout our stay.  I’m pretty sure Dan and I will need help traveling with three toddlers and a teenager in a wheelchair.  We’re pretty good at juggling, but that might be just a little out of our comfort zone halfway around the world, with children who are adjusting to their new lives, and us being sleep deprived.

Anyway, back to the extra special good news.  We went shopping for our spring break staycation with my mom and Dan’s mom.  We had a great day shopping for clothes for the girl’s new sisters.  We came home and got the mail.  In the mail was a check from the University of Iowa.  Not really a big deal, we sometimes get checks from the U of I because Dan does talks for them every once in a while.  I figured they had just forgot to pay him for one that he did a while ago…..BUT NO!!!!!    This check was big enough to cover Eli’s orphanage fees.  Yes, yes, you did hear that right.  Where did this check come from you might ask?  Well, it was for overpaid FICA when Dan was doing his residency, chief’s year, and fellowship way back in 1995-2001.  Supposedly the University and the government have been fighting over this issue all these years and today is the day I get the check.  HOW ABSOLUTELY AMAZING IS THAT?!?!?

Yes, I am excited.  Yes, I am standing in awe of a God that knows every hair on my head and cares what would happen in my life.  The money would have been useful back then but now it is blessing that goes beyond measure.   I can hardly wrap my head around what it would take for God to have this plan in place.  Yes, I know I’m putting human limitations on Him.  I know there are those that will say this is just a nice coincidence, but I believe with all my heart that God’s plan is perfect and He always provides for us, sometimes in ways we can’t even imagine.  It just blows my mind, brings tears to my eyes and a humbleness to my heart.  Bless the Lord, O my soul!  Or as Gracie says, “Today has been a hallelujah kind of day for sure, mama!”   Yep, that about says it all!

Short Update on Eli

Date: 2013.03.15 | Category: Adoption, Elijah | Response: 0

Not sure where to start so I will just say God is so good!  As if we all didn’t know that already. I wanted to take a moment to share our good news for those of you following our adoption story.  Today we got the news that our adoption agency received a letter from the orphanage director in regard to Eli.  This letter stated that the director felt that Eli needed to get to the U.S. for treatment as soon as possible and that surgical intervention was not possible in China.  All along we have been praying that China would allow us to adopt four based on the fact that Eli needs treatment quickly and this letter confirms everything we have said.  We know that we have an unusual home situation because Dan works from home during the week;  Zach and Cassie are here helping every day; and my mom and Linda (Dan’s mom) both can be here at a moment’s notice (well, 90 minutes if you get technical).

How amazing is God that this letter would show up right before they present our petition to the CCCWA?  The person who is going to present the petition was on vacation until the 15th, which means she wouldn’t be back to work until the 18th.  I remember last week when they called to tell us this and all I could think was “Really?  She’s going to be on vacation for a week?  It will delay us for another week.”  BUT if she hadn’t been on vacation, we wouldn’t have had this very important piece of information.  Another reminder that God knows and I just have to have faith.  I’m feeling very blessed right now and  I’m feeling at peace!  God’s will will be done and I will trust in the outcome. God’s plan and His timing are perfect.  For this to work out, God’s hand must be in every part of the situation.  As Linda said this morning, “I have been praying that God’s glory will shine through this situation with Eli!”  Amen to that!  Hoping to hear soon.

P.S.  I know Eli is my son. I have no doubts about that.  All we are figuring out is whether we get him this trip or on an expedited trip back to China in a few months.

Thought I’d share the new pics of Min, Lainey, and Evie that we got this week too.