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Jasmine’s Blog – What’s on My Mind
心事
妈妈每次都能看到我的心事，
我也不知道为什么妈妈能看到我有心事。 今天妈妈看出来我有心事。今天妈妈圣把诞节的树抬上来，
大家都有好多好多的东西桂上去。我只有一个花（装饰）。 妈妈说在每年我可以选一样东西。 我的姐姐妹妹哥哥弟弟他们有好多好多的东西， 因为他们从小有他们的童年。 当每次我看到他们有他们妈妈爸爸小时候的照片，
我就会好羡慕我的姐姐妹妹哥哥弟弟。我真的好羡慕他们！ 其实有时候我想说如果我是妈妈爸爸的孩子那该多好呀。
可是我从8岁的时候就变成孤儿了。
其实今天我不想哭的，但是被妈妈看出来了。我忍不住就哭了。
但是我的心还是好痛好痛。 What’s On My Mind
All the time mama can read my mind. I don’t know why mama can read my mind.
Today mama read my mind. Today mama put Christmas tree up. Everybody has a lot of stuff to put on the Christmas tree. I only have a flower ornament. Mama said every year I can pick one thing (new ornament). My sisters and brothers have a lot of stuff, because they start collected when they are little.
Every time I saw they have their mama and papa’s picture when they are little, I just admire my sisters and brother. I really admire them!
Actually sometimes I want to say I am mama and dad’s kid, but I became an orphan when I was eight. (I asked Jasmine to clarify this sentence because I wasn’t understanding what she meant. After a bit of time, she was able to say that she wished mama and baba had adopted her right away when she was left at the orphanage at the age of 8 instead of when she was 14.)
Actually today I don’t want to cry, but mama read my mind. I can’t hold anymore, so I cried. However, my heart is still very very hurt.
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Every year we buy an ornament for the children that represents one thing they have really loved over the year. I knew as soon as we started putting out the ornaments that Jasmine was sad. I had already told her we would buy more this year since she understood Christmas better. We had talked about it a bit and I thought it was all better but when I tucked her in to bed, I knew she was really, really sad.
She tried over and over again to explain what she meant by saying she wished she was mama and dad’s kid. We tried Google translate. We tried to have the other girls listen and see if they could figure it out. I just couldn’t grasp what she was trying to say. I thought maybe she was saying she didn’t feel like she was Dan and my child as much as the others, but she kept saying, “No, I know I am your daughter.”
She admitted she was jealous and felt bad about it. I told her it was a natural reaction. That it was good she understood that she was jealous and now she could think about ways we could make her not feel as jealous. Daddy woke up with the great idea to make her ornaments with the pictures that we received from Love Without Boundaries. We had pictures from each year she was in the orphanage. We could fill her ornament box with good memories of those years.
Then after I posted in Facebook about how it hurt my heart that she has to go through this type of pain, others asked if they could send her ornaments. What a great surprise this will be for her hurting heart. She can’t grasp that her life matters or that others care. It will be another reminder every year, as we get out her ornaments, that so many people have prayed for her over the years.
Older child adoption is hard. There are many things you consider before you bring them home that you know will cause them pain and then there are these everyday things that take you by surprise. They hurt my heart too because I can not make it all better and I really, really wish I could.
