• Jasmine’s Blog – What’s on My Mind

    Date: 2014.11.30 | Category: Jasmine's Blog | Tags:














    What’s On My Mind


    All the time mama can read my mind. I don’t know why mama can read my mind. 


    Today mama read my mind. Today mama put Christmas tree up. Everybody has a lot of stuff to put on the Christmas tree. I only have a flower ornament. Mama said every year I can pick one thing (new ornament). My sisters and brothers have a lot of stuff, because they start collected when they are little. 


    Every time I saw they have their mama and papa’s picture when they are little, I just admire my sisters and brother. I really admire them!


    Actually sometimes I want to say I am mama and dad’s kid, but I became an orphan when I was eight.     (I asked Jasmine to clarify this sentence because I wasn’t understanding what she meant.  After a bit of time, she was able to say that she wished mama and baba had adopted her right away when she was left at the orphanage at the age of 8 instead of when she was 14.)


    Actually today I don’t want to cry, but mama read my mind. I can’t hold anymore, so I cried. However, my heart is still very very hurt.


    Every year we buy an ornament for the children that represents one thing they have really loved over the year.  I knew as soon as we started putting out the ornaments that Jasmine was sad.  I had already told her we would buy more this year since she understood Christmas better.  We had talked about it a bit and I thought it was all better but when I tucked her in to bed, I knew she was really, really sad.

    She tried over and over again to explain what she meant by saying she wished she was mama and dad’s kid.  We tried Google translate.  We tried to have the other girls listen and see if they could figure it out.  I just couldn’t grasp what she was trying to say.  I thought maybe she was saying she didn’t feel like she was Dan and my child as much as the others, but she kept saying, “No, I know I am your daughter.”

    She admitted she was jealous and felt bad about it.  I told her it was a natural reaction.  That it was good she understood that she was jealous and now she could think about ways we could make her not feel as jealous.  Daddy woke up with the great idea to make her ornaments with the pictures that we received from Love Without Boundaries.  We had pictures from each year she was in the orphanage.  We could fill her ornament box with good memories of those years.

    Then after I posted in Facebook about how it hurt my heart that she has to go through this type of pain, others asked if they could send her ornaments.  What a great surprise this will be for her hurting heart.  She can’t grasp that her life matters or that others care.  It will be another reminder every year, as we get out her ornaments, that so many people have prayed for her over the years.

    Older child adoption is hard.  There are many things you consider before you bring them home that you know will cause them pain and then there are these everyday things that take you by surprise.  They hurt my heart too because I can not make it all better and I really, really wish I could.