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Today…
Today a family that I know will give birth to a sweet little girl. Today their world will change for the better and for the worst all at the same time. Today they will see what God has in store for them. A little girl will come into this world, not perfect by the world’s standards, but perfect in God’s eyes. Today my heart aches for what I know lies ahead for them. It may be worse than they think or it may miraculously be better than they were told. Either way it will be hard. The pain can be unbearable. It’s not fair! It’s not right! Babies should be born healthy and happy. Mothers should not cry tears of unhappiness – there should only be tears of joy.
The truth of the matter is they will one day look back at this moment and feel blessed. They will see how bad things can work for good. They will see all the way their lives have impacted others. It doesn’t help today when they are hurting. I know if I said this fact to them, they wouldn’t believe me. When you are in the moment, you are numb, you are hurting, you want it to be a really bad dream that you can wake up from. It changes everything and you can’t go back to who you were no matter what happens. Whether she lives an hour or 50 years, you can’t go back. You will be forever changed.
It is just the way it is and no matter how you rant at God – it won’t change. These are the cards you have been dealt and now you have two choices. You can see the beauty and the miracles in this life or you can forever be angry at God for doing this to you. The reality is that He didn’t do this to you. You aren’t being punished. John 9:1-3 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. But it is hard to see that at the beginning. I will admit that I was angry for a moment, but it didn’t last. I believe there are stages to your grief and you will spend as much time in each stage as you need. Don’t let others tell you that you’ve had enough time to mourn. Letting go of dreams is a process. The problem begins when/if you decide to take a detour into the self-pity/bitterness pit stop. That is a very dangerous place to be. You can get stuck there in that darkness. I’ve watched it happen to people. It’s hard to hear God’s voice of peace when you are busy screaming at Him. I know this because I’ve been there. I’ve had a child die and I’ve had a child live with medical problems.
I was so ready to be a mother. I felt so blessed to be having twins. I had a husband who adored me and two babies on the way. People shared my joy. Complete strangers congratulated me. It was a happy, happy time and then it was gone. My water broke. They lifeflighted me to Des Moines. It was scary. Unbelievably scary. I didn’t even have the words to pray. But even then I was in denial. They would be little, but they would be okay. We could do this. Life would still be perfect. I think your brain processes as much as your heart can handle at the time.
Kyle died at 5 days of age. Dan and I had quit our jobs. We had no home and now we had a son to bury. We were relieved that we had life insurance until we found out that to get the $10,000 coverage your child must live 7 days. Kyle died at 5 days of age. So now we had no job, no home, no money with which to bury our son. Because we couldn’t afford to have the funeral home come get him, we drove Kyle from Des Moines to Fort Dodge after his autopsy and hand delivered him. There was a big dose of closure and reality for you. I wanted to wake up. I wanted it to not be true. I wanted to put them back inside of me and be happy again. I was mad and hurt and screaming out that it just couldn’t be my life. I didn’t want it to be my life. I didn’t want to look at pictures of tiny, white caskets or decide which outfit he should wear. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted that little cottage with the white picket fence and my little, curly-haired, blonde boys in their little overalls chasing Dan in the backyard. I could picture it all and it was never going to be.
I share these things not because I think she won’t make it, but because I have been through both. I understand the pain from the loss of dreams, the unbelievable heart-wrenching pain of losing a child, and just what it will take to make the best of a bad situation. I understand how hard it is to trust God’s plan when it doesn’t make sense. I understand the question “why me?”. I can still picture that dream I had of my boys before they were born. Now I can smile, but for a long time seeing twin boys still brought me to my knees. Letting go and trusting God and His plan isn’t always easy; but God is perfect, His plan is perfect, and His timing is perfect. Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
It has been 25 years since Kyle died. 25 years years of some very hard years for Codey and our family. I’m not sure what I would have done standing there at the end of the aisle with Dan, if they had said here is what you are signing up for. I want to believe that my faith was strong enough and my love for Dan was big enough that I would have still said I do, but who knows. It’s easy to say that I would have done that now, but I am a whole different person now. I have a stronger faith. I have a deeper love for my husband. I believe every life matters. I see things not as much from the world’s viewpoint any more. I try so hard to see it from eternity’s viewpoint. I’m not sure at the age of 22 I even understood what that meant.
Today I am happy. Today I see a few of those threads in the tapestry of my life and how it has affected others. I see my husband and his love for babies and his drive for making their lives better. I know where it comes from. I know that Codey and Kyle’s lives had purpose. I know that their lives mattered. I know that there lives have touched so many others. I know that I am a much better person because of them.
But today for one family it is just starting. The pain is going to be very, very real soon. I ask that you lift them up in prayer today. I pray that God will give them the peace and the strength they need in the coming hours. Whether she lives a short life or a long life – her life has purpose. Her life has weight. She will make her mark on many, many hearts. I know this because she has touched mine. Many, many people have heard her story and are praying for her. God bless you sweet, little girl and welcome to your new life and a family that loves you so much!
