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Heartbreaking
So excited to be leaving in the morning. I can’t wait to hug my babies at home and check on my mama. I can’t wait to not be stared at, have a glass of water right out of the faucet, eat some regular food, exercise, recieve texts, and be able to check Facebook. I’m looking forward to not living out of my suitcase. I just want to get home and start working on my new normal. Not that I’m ever normal mind you.
Our guide in Guizhou, Bill, and our guide here in Guangzhou, Kathy, have asked Shuang over and over again if she has any questions for us. She always shakes her head no and says she is fine, with a great big smile on her face. We have been communicating with Google translate, but she talks so soft she isn’t able to be picked up by the microphone so she hasn’t been able to ask us any questions. I have been able to say things to her like “I’m happy you are my daughter.” and “Everyone at home loves you.” and even “Do not be afraid. Everything will be ok.” She has always answered “Ok!” and smiled, but tonight I asked her if she was excited about going to America and she said, “Yes!” I then said, “Do you have any questions?” and she answered, “Yes!” I couldn’t believe she was finally asking a question.
I called Kathy to come down to our hotel room right away. I figured Shuang would ask about how long the trip was, what time we were leaving, or what our home was like in America. Kathy came in and asked her if she had any questions and she said, “Yes.” again. I was not prepared for her question. She asked, “When I get to America can anyone take me away from my family?” We all sat there with tears in our eyes. We had Kathy explain that no one could ever take her away. That no matter what happened she would be our daughter. We explained that no matter how sick she gets we will never let her go. We told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is our daughter. We told her of our friends who would be able to communicate with her because they speak Mandarin. We told her about all that she will be able to learn and she was so excited. We told her of all the people who care for her.
Dan and I were talking about how hard all of this is. How do you explain what happened to a child? Is it easier for her to think that she was abducted instead of abandoned? What does she remember? Do I even want to know? Did the orphanage tell her that she was taken away from her family because she was ill? What has she been told? I hate that it will take years for her to feel safe enough or have enough English to be able to share what actually happened. I hate that my little girl has had so much pain in her life. She has really been so brave. We have to do everything for her and she just trusts us. What a blessing that has been.
I’m praying for her peace as she transitions to our family. I hope she can see how much love we have for her. Others have commented on our unconditional love for her so I hope it is as clear to her. Her life is going to change so much in the next 48 hours. I wonder what she will think when she meets all her siblings. What will she think when she sees our house? What will she think the first time she is able to swim in our pool? How will she feel about America? So many wonderful, overwhelming changes. Jasmine Shuang Ellsbury – welcome to your new life.
