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Following God’s Lead
I have had some interesting conversations lately about how we came to know that we were to adopt again. I knew from the moment we left China that God was not done with me. I knew we were to adopt again. Dan wanted to see how everything worked when we got home first, but he has always wanted to adopt more. When people ask me how I knew, I say I am following God’s leading. I have said that I am listening to God. I have said many things, but judging from the looks on other people’s faces, I am not describing it properly. If you say you are listening to God, which in most people’s minds means that I am hearing God’s voice, they think you have lost it. I’m not literally hearing God’s voice but He is definitely making His desires known.
I have to admit I’m getting kind of tired of those “Well, isn’t she sweet, but she’s gone just a little looney.” looks. Even my grandma told me that I was paying too much attention to my emotions, and that was what was leading me. That one made me laugh – my emotions make me want to run away from the hurt and the work I know is coming. It doesn’t make me want to run towards it. I know this isn’t going to be easy. I know if you look at it rationally with all your pros and cons, it doesn’t make sense. I know that on paper it looks like a very bad idea. Where is the sense in adopting a wheel-chair bound, 13 year old who has had very little schooling and knows no English; on top of that bring her home with a 1 year old with PKU with unknown brain injury from the disease; and while you are at it add a 1 year old with a single ventricle who will need surgery right away; and then to top it all off be praying that you are allowed to either, add to this trip or go back, and get the 1 year old with pulmonary atresia. I know what that looks like on paper. You can’t possibly think I haven’t given it every consideration. I have a husband that is trained in everything that can go wrong. We have discussed this in depth, over and over again. I know all of this and yet I know it is right. My heart can be fearful, but still I know when I look at those children’s faces that they are OUR children. I know it to my core. I can’t explain it accurately. I just know it. I know I would do anything for them, including lose my heart and have it hurt in ways no parent should ever have to.
I asked Dan how he explains it. He is a wonderful teacher and he usually has some way to explain it. He said that he tells people that when you look at everything with Ben it didn’t make sense. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to proceed with an adoption when you aren’t even sure that the child will live long enough for you to get him, but that Dan knew to his core that this was what he was supposed to do. He isn’t able to explain it. He just knew it was the right thing to do.
When we first asked the agency for Ben’s information, they told me another family was trying to decide, I panicked for just a moment because I knew in my heart he was mine. I knew it to my core. I remember praying “God you have this all in your hands. You know the plans you have for me. I trust you and I believe that he is supposed to be ours so I will try my best to trust and stay calm and believe.” God gave me a peace that went beyond any understanding. I trusted that if it was meant to be – it would be.
After they sent the paperwork, I was so afraid that Dan would say that his heart wasn’t fixable and it would be just too much for our family. I remember it so well. I would have fought for Ben. I obviously didn’t have to fight because it was what God wanted us to do. I came home from shopping to find Dan sitting there holding Ben’s papers with tears in his eyes. I knew he was going to tell me it wasn’t fixable even before he spoke. Dan just looked at me and said, “I can’t explain it, but I know he is ours and we have to go get our son.” (Have I mentioned how much I love this man?) 🙂
That is the other thing, when Dan and I have exactly the same feeling and we haven’t even been discussing a certain topic, I believe it to be truth. How could it not be true. It worked that way with Lauren (Min). We both saw her picture on our own computers in different rooms and were both moved to tears and ready to go against the rule that we had already made. The rule being that we would NOT adopt older children because it would be too hard on our family. I know I make God chuckle. I can just see Him saying, “Isn’t that sweet? She thinks she won’t be adopting an older child. If only she could see how hard she will be praying for that older child in just a few months.” You’d think I’d learn to never say never. I said “I’m never having more children after the twins.” But I got pregnant while taking birth control and Zachary was the best gift ever. God’s ways are always better.
With Elijah, I am almost afraid to hope. But being fearful doesn’t mean I don’t trust God or His plan. “Even when I am afraid, I keep on trusting you” (Psalm 56:3 CEV). I can be fearful because I am human and a very imperfect one at that. But I know Eli is supposed to be my little boy and Benjamin’s didi. Ben has an attachment to him that is so hard to explain. Ben stops and prays for Eli throughout the day. Ben has dreams about playing with his didi. Ben tells me stories about him and his didi. It’s sweet and it doesn’t make any sense. It has to be a God-thing so I’m going to embrace it, trust it, and watch as God’s wonderful plan unfolds.
The second comment that drives me crazy is when people say that “you’re a saint” or “I could never do that you must be really special”. It’s true, I do love children. I do have a heart for those hurting, but there is nothing overly special about me. What I am though is obedient. Obedient to God’s calling. Obedient to following His lead. Obedient even when I’m scared to death. It’s a wonderful place to be when you believe in God’s plan so much that you just want to follow it. If you too are feeling a tugging at your heart, listen! If you are being shown something over and over again, pay close attention, even if it doesn’t make sense. Whatever it is that He is showing you, be open to His leadings. Blessings abound when you follow His call. Blessings upon wonderful blessings. I can’t guarantee you won’t be hurt. I can’t guarantee you everything will turn out fine, but I can guarantee you a peace that exceeds all understanding even when trials lie before you. Listen. Trust. Follow. Be obedient!
