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Beauty amidst the Ashes
If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I believe there is always good that comes out of tests and trials. Life is all about perspective and how you choose to see things. I firmly believe that God can take the worst situation and turn it around for good.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Jasmine has been by all accounts the poster child for teen adoption. From the moment we met her she has been nothing but sweet and joyful. We worried while we were in China that she didn’t cry or have any questions for us. We wondered why she didn’t seem sad to leave her life behind. She seemed more than ready to join a family and start a new life and although everyone kept telling us this was just the honeymoon period, it never ended. She was a great addition to the family and instantly bonded with everyone.
Except for a few bad dreams and the sharing of some absolutely horrible stories of her past life, we have had a pretty uneventful 20 months.
We entered the hospital on January 13th for what was to be a week long hospital stay after spinal fusion surgery. Everything went according to plan and we went home six days after surgery. Six days after coming home Jasmine started running a fever and we took her to the local hospital. Jasmine ended up being septic with a wound infection and was transferred by ambulance back to the children’s hospital two hours away. This infection would lead to a 30 day hospital stay, which included pancreatitis, a lumbar drain being placed, and four more surgeries.
The stay was very hard on Jasmine. She had to lie flat on her back for weeks and that is the most painful position for her to be in. During procedures we had a couple bouts of post traumatic stress that lead to hours of crying hysterically and there was no way to calm her. It was extremely painful on our hearts. It was hard to watch our happy, joyful Jasmine be so sad.
Dan and I decided that I should not leave her side in the hospital. Jasmine had been left in the hospital alone numerous times while in China. She was convinced that we would abandon her in the hospital too. For that reason, I only left her room for short bouts of time. I missed the kids at home but everyone understood that this was what Jasmine needed and we all agreed that although it was hard, it was what needed to happen.
Before I delve into the rest of the story, I want you to know that Jasmine and I have talked about whether or not to share this and she believes it should be shared. I also believe there is much to be learned from this story but I wanted to wait until my feelings were on a more even keel before typing anything. The past three months and especially the month of March was extremely hard on this mama’s heart. I was hurt and angry over things that were said. I don’t want my hurt feelings to color this story and for that reason I waited until now to share.
When we got home we noticed that Jasmine wasn’t any happier. She sat in her chair in the corner of the living room or at the table. She didn’t want to call her friends or play on her I-pad or do any of the number of other things that she loved to do. I started to worry about depression but Dan said this was to all be expected. She was dealing with a lot and needed some time to decompress.
It’s true that she was dealing with a lot. She was much weaker after lying in bed for so long. She wasn’t even able to hold her head up by herself. She knew for a fact that she had SMA and knew that some day she would get worse. Because she was so weak after surgery, Jasmine started to believe that this was already happening. When she was in the orphanage she had the belief that she would come to America and be healed. The nannies had told her on many occasions that she would see doctors here that could treat her and allow her to walk. I believe this is what got Jasmine through all those years in the orphanage.
Surgery and a diagnosis had taken away that dream. She started to wonder what there was to live for. She felt sick. She knew she had to have a feeding tube for an extended period of time, i.v. antibiotics with a pic line, and then oral antibiotics for a year. All of this still might not fix it and she could end up still needing her hardware removed at the end of that year. It was a lot for a little girl to take in.
We talked to her about her regaining her strength. We told her that this wouldn’t last. We made lists of what she could still do. We showed her in every way possible that there was very little that she was able to do before that she couldn’t do now and that those things would be fixed once she was stronger. She didn’t believe us. She was just so sad and coming from a girl that oozes joy, it was very hard to watch.
Jasmine started being mean. It was small digs at first and then it was outright nasty. I’m sharing this not because I want to paint her in a bad light but because it may help someone else. Jasmine would say mean things to me and then when it made me cry, she would smile. It was so hard on my heart and so hard to not take personally. I knew she was hurting. I read all the articles on the whys and the whats of a hurting child. I read about how to stay calm. I read about how to redirect them and teach them, BUT I can tell you in the midst of a child raging at you it is extremely hard to not take it personally and stay calm.
I gave myself timeouts. I walked around our acreage. I sat in the bathroom and cried. I prayed and begged God for some insight and patience. I tried my best to not react and I failed many, many times.
One day after a particular mean outburst, Hope, Grace and Elyse had had enough. This was my fourth time crying that morning and they turned on Jasmine. The wonderful part was they had taken everything Dan and I had said and they implemented it. They weren’t mean. They didn’t raise their voices. They merely questioned her as to why she said what she did and why she was acting that way. They let her know that they didn’t appreciate her making me cry and they told her that there was nothing she could do to make them not love her. I have never been more proud of my girls.
Dan talked with Jasmine after that and she finally opened up. She was sad about the loss of dreams. She had started to believe that what she was told in the orphanage was true – that she was just so bad that she deserved this. She questioned God and what her life meant. She questioned whether anyone could really love her. She was questioning her future and what a burden she would be to us.
Dan was finally able to reach her by saying if she believed she needed to be punished, and we in no way thought that was true, she had already had that happen. She had been through more in her short life than anyone should ever have to go through. He told her again about the miracle that had to happen for her to join our family. How we had to get approval for three and how we had to work so hard to get there before she aged out. He asked her if God wanted her to be punished why would He allow her to join our family? Why would those miracles have taken place?
Dan explained again what God’s forgiveness meant. He explained that her past was in the past. She was forgiven. He explained that God already knew her future and she didn’t need to worry about it because we would always be there. Her family was not going to leave her. Dan also explained that she need to figure out her purpose so that she knew why she was living today. What did she want to accomplish with her life? What did she want her life to say?
That was the turning point for Jasmine. We started to see more of our girl emerge. Her smile started to return and we once again heard her laughter. She told me she has a dream and that she believes she knows what her purpose is. She has started writing a blog about this, which I am not allowed to see until it is finished. I have been thinking a long time about setting up a fund called Jasmine’s Dream, but was unsure of what path to take with it. I do believe I may have more insight after she writes this blog.
Now for the good that came after a very painful couple of months. Elyse had informed us when she arrived in America that she would not be learning a lot of English. She would learn enough to respond but she was NOT going to learn any hard words. This lasted for about two days when Jasmine was in the hospital for her second admission. Elyse is very outgoing and the fact that she could not communicate with anyone at home about drove her crazy. I am happy to say that she is conversing very well after only four months home. She is able to understand most simple instructions and she can let us know what she is feeling and what she wants with ease.
The other blessing that happened with Elyse is that she was unsure of how she felt towards me at first, but after being home for only a few months, was the first to defend me when Jasmine lashed out. Elyse said she knew how much I loved them and how much I was willing to do for them. She talked about how I cared for them and made sure they were okay. She talked about how silly I was and how much fun that made her life. Those were precious, precious words to hear.
I don’t believe the first hospital stay would have brought healing to Jasmine. I believe only the second, longer stay brought her to the place where she had to confront her past and decide what she was going to do with her future. I hate what she went through in the hospital, but I will be forever grateful for the healing it brought to our girl emotionally.
The biggest place of healing came from her understanding that we would never leave her. When Jasmine finally admitted that she was being mean, especially to me, because she didn’t want us to love her because it would just hurt too much when we left her, we finally had an answer as to the “why” she was acting out. She told us that her grandma had told her she was placing Jasmine in the orphanage because she loved her too much. I can’t imagine what this did to an 8 year old’s mind. She has been hurt by so many people that she loved. She has been let down and lied to. She has endured more than any child should and now that she finally had the love of family she was afraid it would all be taken away from her. She decided that she would end it on her own terms. If she made us all angry, then we would not love her and she wouldn’t be hurt again.
I told her time and time again that this would not work. I told her she could be as angry as she wanted with me, that my feelings would be hurt, but she could not make me not love her. I would always love her because she was my daughter. She would lash out and I would still tuck her in and tell her that I loved her. I would still care for her and do her cares. She was so confused. Day after day, I said “I love you” even when she was not being nice. All the pain I had gone through as a child let me know what she needed.
Then one day, I knew we had turned a corner. When I told Jasmine that we could never, ever just return her to China, she got so upset. She had never said she wanted to return before. Not once in almost two years had she said she wanted to go back to China. Yet, here she was angry that she couldn’t just get on a plane and go back. She finally admitted that she now wanted to go back to China and find her parents to let them know they were wrong. She wanted them to see that someone could love her and that she truly had worth. She wanted them to see what she was able to accomplish even though she couldn’t walk.
We will continue to show her what family truly means. We will continue to support her and let her know that we will never leave her side. We still have a long ways to go, but she is happy again and that is a beautiful thing. I knew we were finally on the path to healing when I heard her say those beautiful words “I have worth!”.
I have worth, God loves me, and I am alive to fulfill my purpose! A mother couldn’t ask for more for her little girl. Well, that and seeing this beautiful smile again. God is good! Life is good, even through the trials, life is so very good!!!!!
