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2024 – “Better Than Before” Has Become 2025 – “THRIVE Not Just Survive!”
I find myself coming to this place over and over again, wanting to share what is really going on but not wanting to share too much for fear that others won’t understand. You’re told that it’s your children’s story to tell so you try not to share too much. There are those who would say that I’ve already shared too much. I get that. I try hard not to share any information about where they were found or how the ended up in an orphanage or the facts of the stories they’ve told me, unless they’ve given me permission. Believe me when I say I have story upon story that would break your heart and I won’t share those. However, I do feel like it helps me when others are forthright and honest. It helps to know you are not alone. It helps to spread information so others can learn and grow too so I will share our story as carefully as I can.
I find it hard to advocate right now, even though I would go back and do it all over again. How do I honestly tell others how hard it’s been? Some of the illogical things that have happened would blow your mind; you’d probably never believe me. How do you convince someone that something that will be the hardest thing they have ever done in their life will be worth it? How do I know they will feel the same way in the end that I do? Maybe they will regret doing it. Maybe they will hate that they will have to heal all the things that it brings up in themselves. Maybe they will wish they stayed with the easy and the known instead of heading into the chaotic unknown. But God doesn’t call us to the comfortable. He doesn’t. If you want to be His hands and feet, you are going to be broken. It’s not an if, it’s a when.
I mean, “What if this child never loves or cares about me?” is a hard pill to swallow. As a mother, I can tell you this has been the hardest part for me. What if this child never gets past being mad? What if I’ve truly hurt the rest of my children trying to help these children heal? What if I give my whole heart and they never accept it? What if it’s just too late to get them to trust you? “The Nurturing Enemy” is a real thing. How many times does someone have to abandon you for you to never trust that someone will love you and not leave you? I get all of that, I really do, but I was absolutely serious when I told them that they don’t have to reciprocate my love, but they do have to be polite to their family.
Someone recently said to me that I’m so busy trying to save said children that I haven’t noticed everyone else is drowning too. Talk about a wake up call. A nice gentle bucket of cold water over your head to really wake you up.
I am a fixer. I am an empath. I am a teacher. I kept thinking that if I could just find the right story, the right video, the right words, maybe I could reach them. I’ve been called unfathomable things by said children. I’ve had children spend years trying to make others believe that I’m the bad guy. As a matter of fact, their motto is “If I can get others to believe mom is bad, then I am not bad.” I’m not here to defend myself. I’ve learned long ago that people will believe what they want to believe. It’s hard with children from trauma though because they are so believable. Unless you’ve lived with someone who can manipulate and lie to this degree, you can’t understand it. Especially when 75% of the time they are a good kid, but at some point in your life the 25% that happens when they are angry is just too big a toll for the rest of the family.
We’ve had four children that have had a hard transition. These four children spent more time in the orphanage than the others. These four children have had to work through more than anyone should ever have to. One child has turned it around completely. She finally believed us when we said, “We love you. You don’t have to feel those big feelings toward us. Maybe someday you will. Maybe you never will. But you can trust that we love you and and that we will never leave.” She has accepted that. She tells me it really is as simple as that – trusting that we will never leave her and knowing that family is better than being alone. The other three have decided that pushing family away is the only sure way to never be hurt again. If you make everyone who loves you, hate you, then your life will be so much easier. This is not an over exaggeration. If you ask them, they will tell you this.
I think the hardest part, as a parent, is that you protect them-as you should. You don’t tell people what’s going on because you hope they move past it. You hope they start to heal. You let things slide. You want to protect their reputation because, who wants to be known for the dumb and hurtful things they did as a child? Especially as a child who grew up in an orphanage. At some point, though, there has to be accountability, not for the past but for the things that continue today.
One day you have a friend or family who is visiting and said child says something that isn’t true, and you naively decide that for once, you are going to tell the truth. You are going to let someone know just a little bit about what is happening, but the visitor does not believe you. They say, “How could that sweet, charming child lie or hurt this family?” Since they’ve never seen or heard about what has gone on, they take the child’s side or look at you sideways, like maybe they don’t really know you. Doubt begins. These few kids are really good about only doing this behavior in front of the people, “that already know how I behave”, as they say.
I won’t defend myself to others. I am the person I present here. I have faults too. I know that. I cuss. I’ve yelled way too may times and way too loudly. I’ve cried. I’ve begged. I haven’t shut up when I should have. Want to know what my other faults are? (Often times our biggest gifts are our area of weakness too.) I forgive way too easily, which in turn enables those who manipulate. I refuse to give up on people. I don’t let people feel the consequences of their actions. I hate when people are sad which in turn had me comforting them for hurting me. I give second and hundredth and thousandths chances. I am not sorry I spent so much time trying to teach them. I am sorry I spent so much time trying to teach them when they weren’t ready to learn. Our other children got so tired of me begging someone else to make the right choice.
And by right choice I mean being polite. Things like, “do your 5 minute chore so your brothers and sisters don’t have to do your work too. Say please and thank you. Respond when someone is talking to you, not have a conversation, just respond.” You get the point. These are not big, complicated choices. I think at one point, when we were asked what “being polite” meant, we said that you just have to treat your family like you would treat a stranger you met at any store. We all know what polite means in that context. You say “excuse me” and “please” and “thank you” and maybe even a “hi”.
I will tell you that I had no clue that, while I was sitting by their bedside comforting them and saying things like “Today is a new day. Let’s make better choices. I know yesterday didn’t go like we thought it would but today can be so much better. ” -you know basic comfort and teaching talk- that they were thinking, “this is funny. I like wasting her time. It’s funny how mom thinks I care. How much of her time can I waste?” (These are actual quotes.) Years later when they admitted this to me, I was so unbelievably confused and sad. I mean, why not just say that to me so I can stop wasting our time? Why? Because everything is a game.
Have I mentioned how much I hate orphanage what orphanage life teaches children? I guarantee you that you don’t know what they are thinking.
I haven’t posted for years. One reason is that I don’t know what to say. The other is that I know there are others out there, much like me, who started out in their adoption dreamland and got their butts kicked and they are waiting for me to get my butt kicked too. They know it’s coming. Now don’t get me wrong there are many children in my house who have been adopted and are doing well, but life is hard. It will kick your butt whether your child is biological or adopted. Sometimes we forget that much of the stuff that is going on is just normal kid stuff, but the truth is that trauma adds a whole other level that can be hard to get through. It’s an extra special kind of butt whooping. It’s a butt whooping that will give you whiplash and leave you wondering if you even know what’s going on.
In 2022, I got this great idea to make it a year of healing and it was healing…for me. 2022 – the year of healing me and you. Every Saturday morning I would ask these children two questions. “Is there anything you would like to discuss that will lead to your or our family’s healing? Is there any hurt or misunderstanding that you would like to talk about?” I would tell them how much I love them but we can’t continue the way it’s going. I would ask if they would like to talk and they would answer “No!”.
Said children said nothing. Not once in 52 weeks did they say something we could work on. On December 31, 2022, I was told by two children that they didn’t need to do anything. They haven’t caused any problems and all the fault with our relationships were mine. I almost lost my mind. Seriously?? I mean, they could have told me that the first month. It would have saved a lot of time. But, as they said, “It was just too much fun watching you try to fix things and knowing we wouldn’t do any of it.” They waited in anticipation for the 31st of December so they could watch me cry. You’ve got to give them credit- they are dedicated to the cause once they decide something. My prayer is that someday this stubbornness goes towards something other than making me cry.
A few things happened that year. I learned a lot about letting go. The other children learned that I was serious about healing our family. They learned that mistakes are only mistakes if you don’t learn from them and move forward. They learned that I wasn’t going any where. They learned even more about unconditional love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy. They learned that we grow by looking at what we need to work on. Nothing gets healed if you never look at it or talk about it or fix it. Nothing gets healed if you pretend you’re never wrong. Nothing gets healed if you are afraid to hear the truth. I heard what my other children were saying: “Mom, please stop trying!”
In 2023, my motto was you can only heal “me”. So 2023 became 2023 – I can only heal me. I had the children say it to themselves. I reminded them that no one can heal them. They have to heal. They have to work through it. Just like I do. I had to be forgiven for my parts in the fights. I had to work on my cussing that got out of control when I was angry. No one can make you angry. You allow yourself to get angry. I had spent years allowing things to happen and trying to be connected and all I did was enable a few of the children to always be forgiven even when things they did or said were beyond mean.
Here is an example of the things that happen. This is a simple one but it shows how committed they can be to making you look bad. One child, let’s call them “Jo”, barely needed glasses. I had taken 11 kids to get eye exams in a week. I remember that “Jo” really wanted glasses even though the optometrist said that they really weren’t needed. I remember her trying on glasses. I just don’t even remember ordering them. I know that sounds crazy, but I didn’t remember at all. The office called the house and said the glasses were in, but no one passed the message on to me. “Jo” waited 5 months for the perfect opportunity to “get me back”, as she said. We went to the dentist’s office and she proceeded to ask loudly, in front of the dental staff, “Mama, are you ever going to get me my glasses that I need? It’s been months? Don’t you care?” All she had to do is ask me 5 months ago if her glasses were in, but she decided I didn’t care about her because I forgot she ordered glasses. She decided to wait until the could humiliate me in front of people who don’t really know me as “payback”. When we got back in the bus after the dentist’s appointment, “Jo” said, “Now they know what a horrible mother you are.”
2023 saw great healing in our family and one of the four children. It was truly remarkable. Families need to grow. All families have some level of dysfunction. I mean, you can’t have imperfect people together and expect them to be perfect. I like to know what needs to be fixed. I can’t fix it if I don’t know it. I’d rather sit at a table and hear what you have to say, then pretend it’s ok. Believe me I’ve heard it all. Once you’ve heard “I wish you would die. My life would be better if you died…” not much else can shake you. You can’t fix what they won’t acknowledge.
In 2024 our family motto became 2024 – Better than Before. I think that is a life lesson we all should learn. Every new year it’s not about your past mistakes, it’s about making this year better than the last. Every day we get a new start. We get 1,440 minutes to do whatever we want with the day. We get approximately 1,000 minutes if we take out our hours sleeping. We can live it in love or anger. If we all got better every year, imagine where this world would be. That’s what I want for my family. Some hard decisions may have to be made in the future about who can and can’t be around the family, but for this year we waited to see who would step up to be better. Those who want to be a family are doing better and the two who are having a harder time have decided they don’t want to be in the house. The decision was made to let them live on the property in a tiny home. These two aren’t ready to live alone. They still need supervision and help, but they have the ability to be responsible for their own place.
And then life threw us a curve ball and we decided to move. Moving is one of the most stressful things for a “normal” family, let alone a family like ours. We no longer had a tiny home for them to move into. We told the two that we just needed time to get the garage apartment completely done for them. We walked them through this new beginning and starting from scratch. How they would just have to live in the house for a little while until the garage was done. Our other children gave the two a start over pass, which meant they could literally just start over in their relationships with their siblings. I was so proud of the other children’s forgiveness and trying to make it work. We explained what a great thing small town living would be for them. They could be truly independent. They could go to church by themselves. They could go to the library. They could go to the store and restaurants. There was a walking path they could go on. The park is across the street. There was so much potential for them to live a good life.
We started 2025 in our new house, in our new neighborhood, with the motto: 2025: Thrive, Not Just Survive. We started off great. We started attending a new church, a few of the kids got involved in ninja again, they started attending a youth group. We finished the garage so that the two had their own space once again. We watched parades, went for walks, played at the park, tried roller skating, had a huge party for Adoption Day. We thought we were living our best lives. What we didn’t know is one of the children already decided she didn’t want any of it.
What do you do when a child decides to check out of their family? What do you do when you are trying your best to make sure they are taken care of, when you know they could be taken advantage of? They are still naive but think they know it all. Truthfully, I guess that could be said about most of us as teens. Elyse wanted to be on her own. Now if she had just said that at 18, I would have just helped her move forward to achieving her goal. Instead, she did everything she could to get thrown out so she could say it wasn’t her choice. We let her stay an extra 6 months after “being thrown out” to make sure she had thousands of dollars saved from her job so she had a cushion to fall back on if she needed it. We helped her get transferred to another location for her job, one that had an apartment building directly behind her place of employment. We made sure her apartment was on a bus line and showed her how to apply for paratransit. We furnished her apartment and set her up as best we could. Then I had to walk away and let her live her life.
What the three struggling kids have told me is they have the believe everything they have done in the past is “just too much”. In their minds, there is nothing they can do to fix it. They want to live alone, with no chores or being told what to do. They know that living on their own and having no one is the way to go because then no one can let them down. They don’t have to try any more because they are tired of trying. They don’t want to love anyone because it just hurts. I get all of that. I understand past hurts. Here’s the truth…you can NOT make someone want to start the journey of healing. You can NOT make someone want family. You can NOT fix it all with love. You can NOT do anything but “Let Them” as the saying goes.
Let me assure you we all think it’s sad. What a choice to make. I keep saying, “But what if…” I can list facts. I can write them out. I can read them to them. They will agree that it is absolutely the truth but they can’t get past the past so they still believe the lies they have told themselves. They are so filled with guilt and shame that they feel it’s insurmountable and that breaks my heart. It’s not insurmountable. They’ve already been forgiven by me.
I have no control over what anyone does. What I do know is that all I can do is continue to teach them to the best of my abilities and then let them find their way. God loves them way more than I do. He loved them first. Even if it breaks my heart because they don’t want what I think they should want – family. The three that are having the hardest time were all in foster care. Is all of this because they were abandoned twice? I don’t know. Is all of this because they were in the orphanage longer? I don’t know. Probably. Is it all because children need to be held, to be comforted, to have someone show up for them, and be able to trust the person that is holding them? Absolutely!
Everyone always says “hurt people hurt people” but that’s not entirely true. Hurt people who won’t heal hurt others. I’ve been through a lot as a kid. I refuse to do to others what had been done to me. It’s why I talk through things. I spent years never knowing what I did wrong. It’s why I clarify. I spent years wondering if I misunderstood something. It’s why I let people know the rules from the start. I don’t like uncertainty.
As I said, I am in no way perfect. I hurt my family too by continuing to argue and get drawn into fights that ripped me and my family apart. What this cycle turned into was not good for anyone. But what I have learned – finally (it took me long enough) – is that you have to believe what people are showing you. You can’t go through life giving excuses like “that’s not really what you mean”. You have to pocket it and believe it, even if it means you have to give up hope for this season. I could never agree with what they were saying before because it felt like I was giving up hope.
The “three” have decided collectively that if you can prove that I’m a bad mother, then they never did anything wrong. Even though I explain that’s not how this works. We can both be wrong. We are both wrong. I’m not on here trying to defend myself. People are going to believe what they want to believe. If you are in camp, “see, I told you you shouldn’t have adopted so many kids”, then this is your lucky day. You can say “I told you so.” I still won’t believe it, though, because I have lived through the many wonderful miracles that led us to all of these children.
I’m on here today to encourage any other mother who is going through the same thing. Save your breath. Stop explaining. They’ve heard it. They know it. One of the kids quotes my words to her friends that are hurting. They hear you, they do, Mama. Stop fighting. Lay it down. If you are a believer, lay it at Jesus’ feet. Just love. Just hope. Just trust. I’m not hear to tell you there is some magic happy ending. There might be. There might not be. But you can love and let go. This pep talk is as much for you as it is for me. I know you think they aren’t ready -they might not be- but you can’t control anything. I know you want to protect them and keep them safe and wait until they are ready, but if they are saying “I can’t wait to get out of here”, you have to let them go. if they walk away from you forever, it’s out of your control. All you can control is you. Just love them, pray for them, and hope one day they will be ready to receive that love. Hope is a powerful thing, even when it’s just a flicker.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
